Santa Set to Launch Record Label

Kelly Clarkson, Kelly Ripa among possible artists to join

A premiership footballer was on his cell phone Tuesday when Santa appeared on his call waiting. He asked Santa to hold, as Tony Blair was on the line. After discussing the financial instability of Manchester United, the anonymous sweeper spoke with Santa for 48 seconds, according to records released by T-Mobile. U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge told reporters, "One of our new phone-tapping thingamajigs overheard Santa saying, 'It's on. Ho ho ho *hack* *gasp*.' Apparently, 40 of the 48 seconds during which they were connected were filled with Santa suffering a mild stroke."

Less than two hours later, Donald Trump stood at the opening bell of the New York Stock Exchange and proclaimed, "Today marks the creation of the Norf Pole record label. If you don't like it, you're fired!" The announcement caused such a commotion that nobody noticed Mr. Trump's sickly overused catch phrase.

Details are sketchy at this point, but Santa did issue this statement: "Kids these days are listening to some very naughty music. It's not that they enjoy hearing bad words and references to drugs and sex. The problem is that the music they enjoy has evolved in the last ten years from something silly and meaningless to a slew of tirades about how ruff tha streetz iz. Norf Pole Records will continue with the incomprehensible gibberish that has become so well-liked, but will bring back the good old days of Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer, when rap didn't mean anything. Peace out, ho-ho-homies!"

So far, the only artists to have signed deals with Norf Pole Records are Kelly Clarkston, Kelly Ripa, and R. Kelly. When asked why only people named Kelly have been signed, Santa replied, "I like the name." It is rumored that Lenny Kravitz has almost reached a deal with Santa. A spokesman for Kravitz says, "His name rhymes with Kelly, and he acts like a woman, so he should fit in well."

Santa plans to stuff three free downloads for iTunes in every stocking this Christmas. No further information is available at this time.