Tommy the Penguin Indicted on Theft Charges

George Zimmer sues for $350

Tommy the Penguin will have an easier time waddling this winter with a lighter wallet. A police report obtained from Officer Anonymous for a dozen donuts alleges that Tommy went into The Men's Wearhouse in Butte, Montana last Saturday and left with a brand new Tommy Hilfiger quintuple-brested suit. When asked to comment on the situation, Mr. Penguin was too nervous to speak. He simply muttered a few squeaks and waddled back and forth. A spokespenguin for the emperor thief told reporters, "Wehn. Weehhhnnn, we-we, wehnnn." We are told this means he's hungry.

Captain Strong of the OPD released a warrant for his arrest shortly after receiving a call from a deputy officer who claimed to have him in custody. That officer has not been seen since, and foul play on the part of Capt. Strong is suspected. That said, suffice it to say the penguin has been caught. George Zimmer, president of The Men's Wearhouse, sued the loveable little bird for $350, the cost of the suit. When asked why he wouldn't just take the suit back, he said, "Geez, man. Penguins are dirty. Nobody would ever buy that suit. I guarantee it."

Tommy Hilfiger burst through the wall behind Mr. Zimmer immediately after that quote I just made up. Believe it. The wall was made of cardboard. Anyway, the fashion idiot said, "Sheesh, man. He just dissed the name Tommy twice! What insolence!"

I just got word from my editor that Tommy the penguin is about to give a statement. I just heard that Tommy said, "I admit it. I done it."

Holy cow! The penguin talks! I'm not drunk enough. Peace out, homies.