Yokozuna Akebono Advances to Final Four

Fighting Ilini fans in shock

A one-point loss to Ohio State was the only blemish on an otherwise perfect record for the Illinois basketball team- until now. Many expected the Ilini to win the NCAA tournament, or to at least make it to the Final Four. Their championship dream ended last night against the surprising 15 seed, Southeast Louisiana (SELA).

Three days before the first tip-off of the tournament, all but two of SE Louisiana's players spontaneously combusted, and the other two choked on marshmallow Peeps. Not wanting to waste his team's hard-earned berth in the tournament, coach Billy Kennedy called his childhood friend, Akebono, and asked for advice. Akebono, the first ever American-born Yokozuna, said he would meet Kennedy at the gym after praying at the temple.

Coach Kennedy was taken aback when the 510-pound sumo wrestler showed up in sneakers and shorts, claiming to be almost ready for the tournament. Akebono showed off his skills, performing drills and shooting around for half an hour, and running a 40-yard dash in an amazing 5.2 seconds. When Kennedy asked what was the meaning of it all, Akebono replied, "you needed a team- I'm here."

SELA's athletic director made the announcement Wednesday on The Daily Show. That's probably why everyone thought he was joking, but he was very serious. When Oklahoma State arrived at their game expecting SE LA to forfeit, only to see Akebono wearing a custom-made Oakland Raiders jersey with the SELA logo duct taped on the front, they protested, demanding to know how in the world he could be eligible to play. Apparently, Akebono has been taking online classes at SELA for two years.

Anywho, this story is getting long-winded and boring, so let's get to the funny stuff. Realizing that he couldn't inbound the ball to himself, Akebono threatened to sit on the Cowboys' mascot if they didn't give the ball back after he inbounded it. Akebono had a double-double, with 14 points and 34 blocks. SELA won the game 14-9. It would have been a shutout had Akebono not goaltended three shots and had two fouls.

SELA, led by Akebono, breezed by Southern Illinois 47-4, after coach Kennedy gave a student in the fan section an ice cream cone to put on a jersey and inbound the ball. In their Sweet 16 matchup, SELA and Arizona traded shot for shot until there were only 38 minutes left in the game. At that point, the Yokozuna clapped his hands, did a little dance, and proceeded to take the score from a 6-6 tie to a 51-11 blowout.

Finally, I'm to the point of the headline. Everything else was setup. Man, I stink. Anywho, Illinois was leading 31-20 at halftime, thanks to three-point shooting, but Akebono went to the wrong locker room (on accident, he claims), and sat on Luther's Head, where he proceeded to rip a ginormous fart. The smell was so bad that the Fighting Ilini became delirious, and for the first 6 minutes of the second half, shot at the wrong hoop. That was enough to propel Akebono and that other kid to a 61-51 victory. SELA will play Washington tomorrow, and all portents point to a national championship for Akebono.