Independence Day Moved to First Monday in July

This Year, the Fourth is on the Third.

Reuters -- El Paso, TX

In a stunning move that has politicians scurrying to figure out which side their parties have taken, Congress passed a measure today that will move Independence Day from July 4 to the first Monday of July. Despite a rash of complaints and confusion, three-day weekends will be had by all, assuming all have jobs and don't work on the weekends and get the holidays off unless it's a religious holiday in which case everyone gets screwed anyway. When asked about the controversial piece of legislation, House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi retorted, "This is the single most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Wait, wasn't this the bill Ted Kennedy praised? You know, I spearheaded the committee to write this bill. It was all my doing."

We sent our very own Mongolian reporter to Senator Kennedy's office. Kennedy had this to say: "We feel that the current holiday system is too confusing for the increasingly substantial illegal immigrant population. What with Cinco de Mayo and whatever else their people do, we thought it would be more convenient to move Independence Day to a Monday. That way it's just like the other important holidays: Labor Day, Memorial Day, MLK Day, and Unsalted Peanut Day. We're already well on our way to moving Christmas to some other day for no apparent reason. But the real problem is Bush."

What will come of this incredulity? Is nothing sacred? Will we eat meat on Fridays? Or, I shudder to think, eat meat... never? It is too much to bear.