Jim Varney to Star in Katrina Benefit Show

Critics laud "Ernesto Goes to Florida"

AP -- Arrarrrrarra, PA

When asked in the Larry King Live 10,000th interview preparty, better known as the 9,999th interview, if he would ever consider filming another Ernest movie, Jim Varney, who may or may not have been in any roles beside playing Ernest (seriously, if he was, I don't care), replied, "Not unless there were a particularly compelling reason. You see, I've been a Christian Scientist for 8 years now, and scientists are smart, so I can't really play this bumbling idiot any more, or people will forever continue to associate me with Ernest, and I can't have that, you know what I mean?" Mr. King replied, "Nuts!" He then went on to promote the upcoming 10,000th interview with someone important, I guess. I wasn't really paying much attention.

Being the thorough and comprehensive and complete and all-encompassing and never-miss-anything and all-around thorough and comprehensive reporting agency that we are, we thought it prudent to ask some other celebrities what they thought about another zany adventure with Ernest. Then we realized that we're over budget for celebrity interviews this year, so we just asked Sylvester Stallone, who happened to be walking by us on the way to the open bar at a wedding for someone he's never heard of, for his take on the situation. His reply was by far the most favorable of any we've heard, and also the least favorable, because it was the only one we've heard. Without further ado, here are the words that would normally cost us a few hundred grand, but which we got for free: "Yeah, man, if Rocky can do it, so can Ernest. Ain't that right, Adrian? Adrian? NOOOO!"

We don't quite know what to make of this whole situation, because, frankly, we can't remember what the situation is. Oh, right. A new Ernest movie. Something about a broad named Katrina. I don't know. Maybe this whole news thing isn't for me. I mean, I like it, but it's boring. Yeah, I'll probably get fired for using column space to make a personal rant, but you know, that might not be a bad thing. I'm outta here.