PSP Found Dead in Laredo

Suicide note found on twelve-foot high causeway

AP -- Laredo, TX

Police at the Laredo PD were bored one day a short while ago, so when a kid entered and asked if they could find his missing PlayStation Portable (PSP), they figured what the heck, and opened a full-blown investigation. The results of their investigation were tragic - McDonald's really doesn't give a PSP to every customer who spills coffee on himself. Unfortunately, they called off the investigation when somebody reported a murder or robbery or some other petty crime. Johnny, for lack of the kid's real name, was left to discover the truth on his own.

Having exhausted all the logical places to find his handheld - beneath a cushion, in a bookbag, on top of one of those naked angel baby fountain things, you know, the one that spits water and it's supposed to be cute even though it's really gross and, yeah, sidetrack.

Johnny was walking the banks of whatever river there is in Laredo, if there is one (I'm too tired and don't care enough to check), he spied what seemed to be a hockey puck. He knew Texas doesn't care about hockey despite Dallas being a decent team, so he took a closer look. The angle whence he came created an optical illusion for the ages. Basically, it looked like a hockey puck, but, *gasp*, it was his PSP!

The hunk o' junk was found below the Samuel Texas Billy-Bridge. A note was found on the shoulder of the road which was supposed to span the bridge, but was never built. In some weird font was typed, "I can't go on. The DS Lite is so much better than me. I mean, really, I'm better, but where's the love? I need games! People don't play me. Good-bye, cruel world."