Our Demands
  • A therapist
  • The Launch codes for the entire American Thermo-nuclear arsenal
  • Rupert Murdoch & Mr Packers account numbers and access authorisations
  • A butler
  • A chef
  • Pentium 300 Mhz CPU & Motherboard upgrades, Voodoo II 3Dfx cards, FiberOptic Network, Speaker & Microphone Headsets, Quake ][, HalfLife, Team Fortress, T3 Permanent Fiberoptic Internet Connection, 1900x6200 dpi resolution scanner, Color Laser Printer,
  • Straighten the toilet bowls
  • Personal Heli-jet
  • Ferrari
  • Limousines to take us to and from the program, with chauffeur
  • Increase to slush funds
  • NSA spy satellite (we want to take some pictures)
  • A small Caribbean country
  • Our own personal hit squad (for resource gathering)[possibly ex-CIA assassination teams]
  • Holding Cells and interrogation suite (including torturer)
  • Nailclippers (in the form of a chainsaw), rubber hose, talcum powder, sodium bicarbonate, a couple of gallons of honey, electrical tape, plaster of paris, and a tuning fork (we’re not telling you why)
  • Little Johnny gagged and bound
  • Controlling interest in Microsoft
  • Bill Gates bound and gagged
  • A small quantity of antimatter (one tonne would be sufficient)
  • Swiss Bank Accounts
  • Baby fur seal slippers
  • A cloned sheep
  • Manpower & Bad Girls Australia
  • Grenades
  • The Mona Lisa
  • Handel’s Messiah
  • Handel
  • Chocolate (all of it)
  • The deeds and title to Buckingham Palace
  • Backrent
  • Mongolia
  • The Japanese Navy
  • Sydney, Adelaide, Hobart & Melbourne Casino’s
  • Chocolate Architecture
  • 500 monkey’s and 500 typewriters
  • Skippy the Kangaroo (dead or alive, we’re not fussy)
  • Masseur (Sven & Inga)
  • The Inca Gold
  • The Amazon Rainforest
  • A lighter (preferably similar to a US Army Flame-thrower)
  • A third world country’s nuclear arsenal
  • Longbeach (the company)
  • our own hospital for Mel, after she’s smoked all of Longbeach’s assets
  • Cuba
  • Coca Cola
  • Walt Disney’s freezer (with or without Walt)
  • The secret to Genetic Engineering
  • Access to Areas 50 through 57 (including currently used area)
  • FTL Spaceship
  • FTCWFUIA Drive (Faster than cat with firecracker up its’ arse)
  • FTLCA Drive (Faster than lawyer chasing ambulance)
  • Immortality
  • Ray Martin’s Hair (for hanging on the wall)
  • A gift certificate to Jenny Craig in the name of Santa Claus
  • The Spice Girls flight schedule
  • Michael Jackson’s as well
  • And why not Hanson’s too (Pauline and the little brats)
  • An anti-aircraft missile launcher and missiles (only a few hundred)
  • A mad Irishman
  • The originator of Political Correctness
  • A spare set of keys to the torture chamber
  • Open season on politicians
  • Centrelink’s backup & main computers
  • Rodney Rude & Kevin Bloody Wilson
  • Celine Dion bludgeoned, bound and gagged
  • Nuts
  • Bolts
  • A Hammer
  • A suicidal driver for US President Bill Clinton
  • A limo, with a hooker in the back, for the driver
  • A gift certificate from Viagra for Bill Clinton
  • Dry cleaning certificate for Monica Lewinsky
  • Bill Gates copy of ‘Evil Genius’s for Dummies’
  • Steve Job’s copy of ‘How to build a top notch operating system’ by Bill Gates
  • Entertainment System
  • Hydrochloric Acid
  • Chloroform
  • Aquarega
  • A signed copy of ‘Sadism for Saints’ by Marilyn Manson
  • Ten thousand litres of Ammonium Nitrate
  • Radio Detonators
  • The Little Arsonist’s Beginners Kit
  • A mummy
  • A daddy
  • A kitty
  • A doggy
  • A Shotgun
  • Monaco
  • A copy of ‘Demolition in 10 easy steps’
  • An FAQ for global domination
  • An incubation tank and a sample of Anthrax
  • A copy of ‘Tyranny for Dummies’
  • A private army (just for a status symbol)
  • Deed Title for the moon
  • A copy of ‘Systematic Slaughter – The Logical Solution’
  • Pretzels
  • A copy of ‘Homicidal Maniac – Are you getting enough fun?’
  • A kick in the nuts for Kim Beazley
  • A weight watchers certificate in the name of Kim Beazley
  • The Federal Fraud Squad
  • ASIO
  • Lucas Heights Nuclear Experimentation Facility
  • 10 rats
  • 300,000 lawyers (you get attached to rats)
  • A mutant fly
  • A big can of flyspray
  • The children’s teeth from inside spraycans
  • Hiccups
  • Radio Jammers (just to piss people off on grand final day)
  • A flea circus
  • A dachshund
  • A military Laboratory
  • Mind influencing drugs
  • Woolworths, Coles, Bi-lo, Franklins, and Jewels (just for the hell of it)
  • Grace Bros, Kmart, David Jones, Big W, and Target (yeah them as well)
  • NASA
  • Qantas, Aeroflot, Plummet Airlines, and Abdul’s Flying Freakshow & Cabaret
  • A highjacker
  • A group of terrorists
  • Trained Gorilla’s
  • More, More, MORE!!!!!
  • A drip under pressure
  • Psychosis (just pick one at random)[I’ll take delusional insanity]
  • A yawn
  • A lawn
  • A prawn
  • George Lucas
  • A Leather Whipping Kit
  • My left foot
  • His left foot
  • 2 million rubber bands
  • 2 million paddle pop sticks
  • 2 million paper clips
  • 763 rubber chickens
  • ‘Military Engineering’ by Macgyver
  • Sir Robert Menzies eyebrows (get them from John Howard)
  • The Pope-mobile (for use on the golf course)
  • The rabbit from ‘Monty Python and The Holy Grail’
  • Nitroglycerine