Dirty Jokes

Dirty Jokes

How You Have Sex

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ANSI does it in the standard way
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
C'Bers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESSPLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGEMEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNISTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINESTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on comission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILEMEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.
WRITERS have novel ways.

Last Rites

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
Now - the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."
The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE
Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.
It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.
You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl,
Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the fuck's he gonna cum.
Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.
Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag.

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.
12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.
13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.
14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.
15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

Out Of Babes

This little kid walks in on his parents having sex and says, "What are you doing?" His mom says, "Your dad is too fat, I'm letting the air out of him." "Why," said the little kid," the lady next door is just going to blow him up again."

Your Star Sign

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you're a damn jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)

You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a damned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22)

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving assholes and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)

You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)

You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

Confucius Says

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets tit bit.
2.Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7.Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11.Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house,dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

Dangerous Snake

NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION:One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM :

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard. 'I'm lost,' said the man. 'Can you put me up for the night?' 'Certainly,' the Chinese man said, 'but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'. 'OK,' said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, 'Chinese Torture 1:Large rock on chest. "Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about. 'He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: 'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle. 'In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, 'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post.'

The Sandwich Shop

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.

Checking his wallet for the necessary funds, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she answers with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am" The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

How Cheap Are You?

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."

Hospital Insurance

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where you could see a man masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital. "Ah." said the Doctor. "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode." "Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable." A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient a blow job. "Goodness Gracious!" shrieked HM. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!" "Ah." Said the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan."

The British Army

Back in the days of the glorious British Empire, a young officer arrived at his first posting, the command of a tiny fort in the middle of the desert, twenty miles from the nearest town. His new second-in-command is showing him around the base, when just outside the fort's walls they come across a decrepit, flea-ridden old camel. 'What's this blooming' camel for?' asked the officer? 'Well, sir,' his second-in-command replied, 'the troops, stuck out here in the desert for months at a time, have certain.. er.. manly needs, from time to time. And when they need to do something about them, they use old Deirdre the camel here'. The officer, rather embarrassed, says nothing, and continues with the tour. A few months go by, and the officer is beginning to feel those 'manly needs' himself. So he calls his number two and says: 'I feel I may.. um.. require the services of Deirdre the camel tonight. Tell me, when the men..um.. use her, do they have her bathed first?' 'Yes, sir'. 'Well then, see to it that she is bathed'. 'They also have her flea-powdered, first, sir'. 'Very good, see that that is done, too. And I couldn't help but notice that she is a rather tall animal. Tell me, do the men use a ladder when they, um.. mount her?' 'Yes sir, always'. 'Very well, see to it that a ladder is provided'. 'Very good sir. She'll be prepared for you within the hour.' After an hour, the officer is escorted to the side of the fort, where Deirdre waits, powdered, washed and with a ladder by her side. The officer moves the ladder to the back of the animal, climbs it, drops his pants and begins furiously ramming into the backside of the animal. He motions to his second-in-command: 'Tell me, is this how the men do it?' 'Well, no sir, they normally ride the camel to the nearest town and pay for a prostitute, sir'.

Two Lesbians in a Bar

These two lesbians walked into a bar One extremley pretty and one extremley ugly. The pretty one said to the ugly one "I get us a drink". So she walked up to the bar and said to the bar-tender "Two jim beams and coke" the bartender got the drinks and said "thats $10" she said "I don't have any money" the bartender said "well how are you going to pay for them?" she repiled "I'll show you my tits" he looked at her and repiled "o.k." so she showed him her tits, then took the drinks back to the table the ugly one said "how did you pay for those?" the pretty one said "I showed him my tits and he gave them to me for free!" The ugly one said "I try that" so she walked up to the bartender and said "two jim beams and coke please". The bartender said "that will be $10 please" the ugly one turned around and said "I don't have any money!" the bartender said "well how are you going to pay for them?' she repiled "I will show you my tits" he repiled back "your'e ugly so your tits will be ugly!" so the ugly one said "O.K. then I will let you smell my friends pussy!" the bartender repiled "what that one over there?" (pointing to the good looking one) she said "yer", the bartender said "yer o.k then" so the ugly one leaned over the bar and breathed in his face!!!!

Old Age Sex

A ninety-year-old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on. Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said "Sure" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. The old man said "Sure, why?" The doctor replied "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum."

Sex Deprivation

Three couples applied for membership to a new church, the pastor explained, " First you must show your devotion to god by remaining celibate for three weeks." The couples agreed that was not too much to ask, and went on their way. Three weeks later the couples returned. The pastor asked the first couple of their experience, to which they replied, "The first week was most challenging, but with gods help, the remaining two weeks were quite insightful." "Bless you my children," the pastor replied with an approving smile, "and welcome to our congregation." The pastor then looked to the second couple and asked if they had grown from their experience as well. To which they replied, "Well the first two weeks were sort-of touch and go, if you know what I mean, but we figured it was for a good cause and all.. so we finally made it." The pastor then looked upon the third couple with great expectation and asked them the same question. "Not so good," the man answered ashamed of himself, "The first coupla-days went okay, but when I saw my wife bend over to get in the refrigerator.. well.. I just kinda lost it." The pastor's look became very disapproving. "I'm afraid you will not be allowed to join our church." "That's okay," the man said sheepishly, "They wont let us in Safeway anymore either."

Elevator Conversation

A guy and a gal meet in an elevator. The guy asks, "Which floor?" The gal says, "Third floor." The guy reads the list of offices on the wall and says, "Oh, going to give blood, I see." She says, "Yup, it's worth $30.00. Which floor are you going to?" He replies, "Sixth." She says, "Oh, that's the sperm bank!" He nods and says, "Right! and it's worth $60.00!" A couple of weeks later, the same two meet in the elevator again. The guy says, "Third floor again?" The gal, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out, shakes her head and holds up 6 fingers.

Learning To Jump

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared, so the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this baby up your ass.' "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first.

Partying a Bit Too Hard
After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the water cooler to discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks." The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have no car." The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage." The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers, "I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Pierre the French Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. 'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie. 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.' Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts

pouring it all over her breasts. 'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.

'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!'

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me lower!' Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the river, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE, WHAT IN THEHELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? 'Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!'

The Saudi Trip
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?".
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Suk Mi Pagoda Menu
Suk Mi Pagoda Menu Cuntonese Cuisine
6969 Fellatio Blvd. Escondildo,
CA 281-6969 (that's Two ate one, sixty-nine,sixty-nine)
A -La - Carte
Cream Sum Yung Guy.. Women love it
Cum Drop Soup .... Same as above, but no MSG
Suc Sum Tit ..... Chef's favorite Luncheon
Specials
1. Sum Yung Chick..Sweet and delicious
2. Sum Dum Fuc ...Same as #1 but without brains
3. Wong Hong Lo...Chinese sausage with 2 meatballs
4. Suc Mi Pork....Mostly white meat for light eaters
5. Suc Mi Dork....Mostly dark meat for big eaters
Dinner Combinations
1.Goo in Hand.....For those dining alone
2. Suc Mi Wang.....Traditional Chinese sausage
3. Cum Too Soon.....Order early! These go fast!
4. Sum Dum Chick....Always a low cost favorite
5. Fuc Mei Slo.....Takes 2 hours to prepare
6. Lik Mi Clit.....A lip smacking Oriental treat
7. Goo Wee Chick....No extra charge for sloppy seconds
8. Yung Poon Tang....Fresh daily
9. Too Can Choo.....Includes sausage and fish for two
10. Wai Too Yung.....Not available on school nights
11. Fuc Sum Now.....Raw fish for those in a hurry
12. Tung Sum Chick....Chef's Special
13. Sum Gulp Twat....Low-cal diet special
14. Bang Ho Face.....Served sitting down
15. Bang Ho Butt.....Served with warm oil and jelly
16. Hoo Flung Poo....Lobster bibs & raincoats provided

Cold Hands

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get cold?"

The Doctor

A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "but they probably weren't vets".

Drug Trial

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday." Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this and told them this big circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs". "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?", the judge asked the second boy. "Well, your honor, I persuaded 150 people to give up drugs forever." "One-hundred-fifty people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. I said, "This small circle is your asshole before prison...."

THE WAY YOU ARE THINKING
Little James was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "James, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied James, "because the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little James says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, and one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little James. "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
Golf Lessons

One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day. Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life. The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip-as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."

The Anniversary

A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"

Biker Mamma

An old woman goes into a biker's bar. She demands to talk to the leader. A tough looking bearded biker stands up. "I wanna join your gang!", she says. The biker thinks for a second. "Do you have any tatoos?" he asks. "Sure'' as she bares her arm. "Hmmm, do you have a leather jacket?" "Out on my hog." she says. "You ever been picked up by the fuzz?" "No, but I've been swung around the room by my tits!"

Computer Doctor
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00." Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks. Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better

Little Red Riding Hood

One day little red riding hood was walking through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. She came up on a man who said "Where are you going?" She replied "I'm going to my Grandma's house." The man said "No, no Little red riding hood you can't, The big bad wolf is there waiting there, to fuck the shit out of you." So she turned around & headed back home. Then she decided she was going to her Grandma's house anyway. She headed back through the forest & there was that same man, He again asked "Where you going Little red riding hood?" She replied "I'm going to Grandma's house, I ain't scared of the big bad wolf." The man said "No, you can't do that, I told you the big bad wolf is waiting there to fuck the shit out of you." She turned around & headed back home, She got there & decided to get her gun & go on. She started out again & here came the same man, he said "Where you going?" She replied "I'm going to my Grandma's & that wolf ain't gonna stop me this time." She continued on her way, when she got there she knocked on the door. The Big Bad Wolf answered & said "umm, umm, I been waiting on you all day long Little red riding hood, I'm gonna fuck the shit outta you!" Little red riding hood pulled out her gun, stuck it in his face & said "Oh no you're not, you're gonna eat me like the end of the book say's!" - Deanna Walley

THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX

ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED

REMOVING CLOTHES

With partner's consent...12

Without partner's consent.187

UNHOOKING BRA:

Using two calm hands....7

Using one trembling hand..36

Lifting partner......15

Dragging partner on floor.16

Using skateboard......3

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:

For normal healthy man..2.5

Losing erection......14

Searching for it.....115

PUTTING ON CONDOM:

With erection.......1.5

Without erection.....300

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:

If the woman who does it is

Experienced.........6

Inexperienced.......73

If a man does it.....680

Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room.

AGGRAVATION:

Partner keeps showing plants.5

Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay.....14

Partner taking phone calls..7

Partner making phone calls..40

ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:

Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen..........26

Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission...55

American- Both on top...60

GETTING CAUGHT

By partner's spouse.....60

By your spouse.......100

Trying to explain......55

Trying to remain calm....100

Leaping out of bed......75

Getting dressed in one motion 500

SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE:

Bouncing..........7

Sliding around.......9

Serious skidding......12

Whiplash..........27

Thanking partner quickly...2

ORGASM:

Real............27

Faked...........160

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:

Shoes flew off........35

Expression didn't change..1/2

Orchestra swelled.......6

Birds sang: Large birds.........7 Small birds.........3

Earth moved.........30

PULLING OUT:

After orgasm........1/2

A few moments before orgasm.500

PENIS ENVY:

For woman...........3

For men...........72

GUILT:

Orgasm comes easily.....53

You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving.....2

Sex on your lunch hour....3

Putting it on expense account.20

The Bear
This guy decided to go hunting for bear in the woods. He took his little 22cal. rifle and headed out. As he came to the top of a hill he saw a bear on the other side. He aimed and fired, but missed. The bear came running after him and grabbed him by the throat "You tried to kill me. You have two choices, Blow me or I'll eat you." The guy couldn't believe it, the bear talked. What was he going to do? He didn't want to die so he got down on his knees and blew the bear. When he was done the bear said "good choice and walked away. The hunter was stunned. There was no way he could tell anyone what had happened. They wouldn't believe him and he was really embarrassed. He decided to kill the bear once and for all. He went to the sporting goods store and bought the biggest double-barreled shotgun they had. As he came over the hill he saw the same bear as before. He took aim and fired but missed. The bear came running up the hill and grabbed him by the throat. "You have two choices, blow me or I'll eat you." The hunter still didn't want to die so he blew the bear again. When he was done the bear said "good choice" and walked away. The hunter was so upset, he went back to the city and found a gangster on the corner and bought two automatic Uzis with extra large clips. He went to the same hill and saw the same bear. He thought " this time I've got you, you bastard." He fired both guns at the bear. The sound was deafening. Leaves and tree branches were flying all over like a scene from the movies. When he finally ran out of bullets there was a thick cloud of dust at the bottom of the hill. All of a sudden the bear came running up and grabbed him by the throat. The bear said to him "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

Stuck Up a Tree

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

FISHING
This guy was having his best day ever fishing the Mississippi on the Minnesota side. He catches his limit and gets ready to go. On the way out this federal DNR officer stops him. To verify everything is legal, he takes one of the fish, shoves his pinky in its asshole, pulls it out and smells it. He says, "Boy- this fish comes from the Minnesota side of the River. You got a Minnesota license?" The fisherman generates one and is allowed to leave. The next week, he's on the Wisconsin side of the river and has incredible luck. The same federal officer shows up and gives his fish the same finger-in-the-fish pooper test. This time he asks for a Wisconsin license which the man gladly generates. As the lucky fisherman is leaving the Federal DNR officer asks, "boy- you're a pretty good fisherman. Where you from ???" The lucky fisherman drops his pants, bends over and says.. "Find out for yourself............."

The Purpose of the Head

There were 2 rich men who were constantly arguing over the purpose of the
head on a man's prick. One man insisted that it was for the pleasure of the man, and the other insisted that it was for the pleasure of the woman. Finally, they decided that they would fund research teams to settle the issue. The first team, from France, came back after 6 months and $600,000. The results of the study proved conclusively that the head of the penis was for the pleasure of the woman. The first man would not believe this. So they funded another team from Italy. 3 months and $300,000 later, they came back with a study that said that the head of the penis was definitely for the pleasure of the man. To break the tie, the two rich men decided to hire a third team and chose some good ol' American boys. 5 minutes and $5 later, they came back and reported: "the head of the penis is for the pleasure of the man. - it keeps your hand from slipping off."

How Baby's Are Made

A Young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and mommy made the egg. So the little girl asks, "So if it takes a sperm and an
egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the
sperm get in there. Does mommy swallow it?" Her mother replies. "She does
if she wants a new cocktail dress."

The Nudist Colony

A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on. Blonde: "Sir, did you call for me?" New Man: "No, I just got here."
Blonde: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me." The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him. Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?" New Man: "No, I just got here." Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me." The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist..
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."
Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities.."
New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

The Motor Cyclist

Steve is shopping for a motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams,
"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________

DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT______ WEIGHT______ IQ__________GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________

DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES ___________

HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?____________________

If NO, please explain _________________________

Number of years they have been married ____________________

If less than your age, explain ________________________

Do you own a van? ________ A truck with oversized tires?___________

A waterbed? ________ A pickup with a mattress in the back? ________

A condom? _________ Pornography? _____ Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _________ A tattoo? ___________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?__________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you? ________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________

Church you attend ________How often you attend__________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? ________mother? ______priest? _______

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

C: A woman's place is in the:

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ____________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room?

Condoms come in packages of (circle one)

A: 3

B: 6

C: 9

D: 12

E: ALL OF THE ABOVE

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN INDIAN TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________

Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

The Frog

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there's something he could help her with. "I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" She says. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs." So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the strange gift frog, and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning, she wakes up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your arse is out of here!!!"

The Ebonic Lord's Prayer
Big Daddy's Rap - The Lord's Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, - Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin - Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood - Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it - Thy will be done
In this here hood and yo's - On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats - Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood - And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me - As we forgive those who trespass against us
don't be pushing me into no jive - And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away - But deliver us from evil
'Cause you always be da Man - For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.

Aaa-men - Amen

THE RABBIT

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The Voodoo Dick
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except.... and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yeah, right.. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

The Scottish Farmer

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

SUPERMAN

Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers. Superman yells down, "Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?" Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under control." Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, "Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back, "sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here."
Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught. Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, "what was that all about?" Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know, but my arse is killing me."

Cojones

An American tourist went into a restaurant in Mexico for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Sir, these are the cojones," the waiter replied.

"The what, you say?" exclaimed the tourist. "They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: "Today's cojones are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, sir," said the waiter, "you see the bull, he does not always lose.."

The Horse and the Chicken

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

THE MORAL: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.