Mojo: You’re just president because your father (Rufus) died!

Narrator: (Barret’s line?!)

Ruckus: Oh yeah well you’re just the science expert because your father (Hojo) died!

Mojo: Why I outta’ kick you in the…

Soldier: Sir, I have just gotten a report of a newly discovered continent.

Ruckus: Holy materia’s!!! Can it be true?

Soldier: I just told you it was you dumb $#%&!

Mojo: Does it have Mako?!

Soldier: Apparently it does, or else why would this be so @#$% important?

Ruckus: What is it called?

Soldier: Esthar. What a dumb #$% name!

Mojo: Are there any inhabitants to experiment on?! :)

Soldier: Only some soldiers called "Galbadian" something or other.

Ruckus: Take me to my ship!

Soldier: Yes, sir! Let’s get the #@$% outta’ here!!!

Mojo: What is wrong with you SOLDIERs these days? You have no respect for authority.

Soldier: I dono what the @#$% you talkin’ bout!

Narrator: :)! Let’s switch the scene over to the FF8 heroes!

Squall: God @#$%! It’s about time I was in a fanfic!

Rinoa: Hey, yunno we never did find out where Ultimicia wanted to go.

Zell: Yeah, we’re hella dumb. We kill a woman and don’t even know what her evil intentions are!

Quistis: I know she wanted to go to another dimension…

Irvine: Yes…I’m almost to the final boss…

Selphie: Stop playing that stupid video game and have an intelligent conversation with us!

Irvine: A what? I don’t understand when you talk yo’ scientific junk.

Squall: Well, we’re about to find out what dimension she wanted to go to…

Rinoa: Why’s that?

Squall: Those dumb #$%’s at Squaresoft never got us out of that black void.

The Planet: EEEEERRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH…CON…STI…PATE..ED

Zell: It’s gonna blow!

The Planet: FFFFFFAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!

(Budenhagen: Hmmm…I can’t hear the Planet’s cries anymore…)

Quistis: Where are we?

Selphie: In another time and place…

Irvine: @#$% it! We gotta go back! I left my Game Boy at home!!!

Quistis: Shut up Irvine!

Irvine: Shut up QUEERstis!

Selphie: Shut up everyone!

All: Shut up SEPHY!

Selphie: DON’T CALL ME SEPHY!!!

(Sephiroth: *snicker*)

Squall: What does this sign say?

Rinoa: Something like…F…F…7?

Zell: What’s that?

Quistis: Where we are dumb #$%!

Selphie: Let’s find out who is in charge here.

Irvine: Oh, look! Below it says: This way to Shin-ra inc.!

Squall: Then that’s where we go!

Narrator: At Cloud’s 8th Heaven…

Barret: Damn, I’m hungry!

Vincent: Maybe you need some hard alchohol?

Barret: No, I mean I’m HUNGRY!!! Cloud, let’s go to KFC!

Cloud: Kalm Fried Chocobos? Not in the mood.

All: Please, Cloud?

Cloud: Oh, all right.

Barret: I can’t wait that long!!!

Cloud: You guys stay here and I’ll go bring us back some good eats’.

Yuffie: Hey! Where is all my materia?

Narrator: Who stole Yuffie’s materia?

Cloud: Not me.

Tifa: Same here.

Red X111: Nope.

Cait Sith: No, uh, wait…hold on…oh, uh no! Of course not!

Aeris: I’m dead, I couldn’t have.

All: ???

Vincent: Who? Me?

Cid: Whatcha lose this time? Yo’ brain?

Barret: Uh…hehehehe ::sweats:: I WAS JES’ USING IT FOR MY SANDWICH!!!

All: Materia?!!?!?!

Barret: I was hungry, okay?!?!?!?

Narrator: Later…

Cloud: Hmmm…a group of weirdly dressed people with weapons…

Cloud: These people could ruin my reputation!

Squall: Hey, uh, you happen to know where Midgar is? We’re lost.

Cloud: Midgar?! Are you with Shin-ra?!

Squall: Who? Oh, that thing on the sign.

Cloud: Well, you guys seem to be pretty stupid. I’ll just be on my way…

Sephiroth: Not so fast!

Cloud: SEPHY?!

Sephiroth: Don’t call me Sephy!!!

Squall: Who?

Cloud: Sephy.

Selphie: ME?!

Sephiroth: No, me!

Narrator: Doh!

Sephiroth: Are you guys from FF8?

Squall: Yeah…

Sephiroth: Finally! I shall find the Promised Land! How did you get here?

Squall: Uh…I dono.

Sephiroth: AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!! Mommy! Jenova, cuddle your son!!!

Squall: Is this weirdo your friend?

Cloud: No, I was just on my way for some KFC.

Squall: Oh, you guys have chocobos too?

Cloud: Sure do!

Squall: Can I come?

Cloud: Sure!

Chocobo: WWWWWAAAAAAARRRRRRKKKKKK!!!

Narrator: In Esthar…

Ruckus: Hahahahahaha! The Promised Land does exist!!!

Mojo: I belive the villan laugh is "MWAhahahaha". You can’t forget that "mwa" before the "ha" or people will think you are, well, GOOD.

Ruckus: AAAAAAAAA! Not that!

Guard: So, where should we build the @#$%& reactor?

Mojo: My theories say that it would be most beneficially profitable if we begin construction on the eastern side of Esthar.

Ruckus: In English?

Mojo: Over there would be good.

Ruckus: I see.

Guard: And how is this going to work?

Mojo: We will use the hypodermic pressure contractors on the crust of the Planet and to further extract any Mako we will construct a super-calla-fragile-istic-expi-alla-docius underneath the main support beam of the gasius level inside the disentruim unit #3.

Ruckus: A what?

Mojo: A sucker-upper. Also known as a Mako vaccum cleaner.

Ruckus: I see.

Mojo: I will be leaving now.

Guard: ::whispers:: Hey, did you get any of that?

Ruckus: Not a @#$% word.

Narrator: Back at Cloud’s 8th Heaven…

Cloud: I’m back!

Barret: WHHHOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO! KFC!!!

Selphie: Now that’s my kinda guy!! Whoo Hoooooo!!!

Irvine: What about me?

Selphie: You? HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tifa: Brought some friends, I see?

Cloud: Oh c’mon! What will it hurt to have 15 playable characters!!!

Cloud: That reminds me! I gotta resurrect Aeris! Who wants to go?

Narrator: (select your characters…)

Narrator: Too bad! You now have a party with Cloud, Barret, and Squall! Sucks 4 U! Hahahaha! This is a fanfic! You can’t choose your characters!!!

Narrator: At the Unknown City place kinda thingy where she died…

Cloud: Anyone got any phoenix downs?

Sephiroth: I do!

Cloud: Yeah but you’re not going to give them to us.

Sephiroth: I will…If you can beat me first!

Cloud: I thought we already killed you? Doesn’t that count for anything?

Squall: Yeah, but bad guys always come back from the dead to form a sequel!

Barret: That’s mean! Why do video game producers do that?

Sephiroth: Cause’ they run fresh out of ideas for a new game!

Cloud: Enough chit-chat…let’s fight!

Narrator: Screen goes whoosh! Funky boss music starts playing…

Cloud: Hey! Where is Sephiroth? Did he chicken out?

Narrator: Who stole Sephiroth?

Cloud: Not this again!

Squall: Not me!

Dead Aeris: …

Barret: I WAS JES’ USING HIM FOR MY SANDWICH!!!

All: ARRGH!

Cloud: Oh look! A phoenix down!

Barret: Yeah! Like that time when we escaped from sector 7, and that wire just "happened" to be layin’ there!!!

Cloud: Hahahahahahaha!!!

Squall: Use it already!

Cloud: PHOENIX DOWN!

Aeris: Where am I?

Cloud: Nevermind that, let’s just get to an inn!

Narrator: Later…

Cloud: We would like a room please.

Innkeeper: There is only one room with one bed.

Cloud & Aeris: We’ll take it!

Cloud: ::opens the door::

Cloud & Aeris: Tifa?! Vincent?!

Tifa & Vincent: A little privacy here?!

Cloud: It was taken.

Innkeeper: Then you will have to sleep in the slums.

Cloud & Aeris: EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW…

Narrator: Back at Esthar…

Soldier: Sir, we have reports of other lands in the area.

Ruckus: Oh, really?

Soldier: Duh, ya dumb #$%&! They’re called Timber, Galbadia, Balamb, Trabia, and some others, too.

Mojo: Any more Mako?

Soldier: Umm, sir, there isn’t any Mako here at all.

Mojo: What! You mean I’ve wasted my calculenectic imported Vasuvian air pressured water powered atmospherically conditioned compatible scientific sucko-matron?!

Soldier: Umm, it seems so.

Ruckus: And how long have you known this?!

Soldier: Since, umm, April Fool’s day. It started out as just a prank…

Mojo: Do you know how much gil we have wasted on this?!

Soldier: 123,456,789 gil, exactly, sir.

Ruckus: Pack my bags! I’m going home!

Narrator: Later…

Ruckus: AAAAAAAAAAA! Where is Midgar?!

Narrator: Who stole Midgar?

Ruckus: Me? I was in FF8!

Mojo: My ancestoric genetic inhabitants would greatly disapprove.

Soldier: Are you @#$%&ing out of your mind?!

Guard: Uh, nope not me uh huh huh huh.

Barret: I WAS JES’ USING IT FOR ME BOWL OF LUCKY CHARMS!

(Leprechaun: Eat me Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious!)

Ruckus: Where we gonna live?

Mojo: Me scientific calculations say to live off of hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of golden rainbows, and me red balloons!

Ruckus: ?

Mojo: (KFC)

Ruckus: I see.

Narrator: For some strange reason, all of the characters in the entire fanfic have gathered at the Temple of the Ancients (maybe because I’m tired of giving explanations :))

Sephiroth: I am going to dip the Black Materia inside this Mako fountain!

Cloud: And what will that do?

Sephiroth: Destroy existence itself!

Cloud: If there was no existence, then what would there be?

Sephiroth: Uh, now you got my brain running! Ouch! It’s not used to being used so much!

Red X111: Prophecy says it will exterminate life.

Mojo: Science says it will fuse into a multi-molecular compound.

Barret: I say it will fuse into a sandwich!

Leprechaun: I say it will fuse into a bowl of me Lucky Charms!

Cid: Ten dollars says you’re all full of @#$%!

Sephiroth: Let’s find out! ::reaches down…::

Cloud: Wait! I have one question, in case we die, I want to ask it now…

Narrator: Will he ask Aeris, or Tifa, or mabye Rinoa?

Cloud: Sephiroth,…

Narrator: He’s gonna ask Sephiroth?!

Cloud: …how did you get out of Barret?

Sephiroth: He farted.

Cloud: Oh.

Narrator: Whew…

Sephiroth: ::reaches down::

The Planet: GAS INDIGESTION!!! NOT AGAIN!!! EEEERRRGGGGGH

The Planet: UUUUUUPPPPPPPCCCCCHHHHUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!

(Budenhagen: I could have sworn I heard voices from the Planet…)

The Planet: I knew I ate too much Mako for breakfast…

Ultimicia: Hahahahaha!!! Free again!

Squall: Oh, good. I just wanted to apologize for killing you on such short notice, and I’m sure the others…

Ultimicia: Quiet you insolent whelp!

Squall: …

Sephiroth: DO YOU THINK YOUR EGO IS BIGGER THAN MINE?!

Ultimicia: YES!!!

Sephiroth: WELL LET’S STEP INTO THE NEXT DIMENSION AND SETTLE THIS!!!

Ultimicia: OK!!! ::they walk into the void::

Ruckus: Just you and me Cloud…

Cloud: No, not really. I have 16 playable characters on my side, and you have a scientist and, well, you.

Cloud: We are at level 99 each, have beaten the weapons, and you are about at level 8, because you were introduced at the beginning of the fanfic.

Cloud: And what’s more…

Ruckus: Okay, okay. I get your point.

Squall: What’s that? Could it be?

Rinoa: Galbadia Garden!

Quistis: And it’s trying to kill us!

Zell: …

Irvine: …

Narrator: Zell and Irvine had to be included in the dialogue, because they haven’t spoken in a while.

Cloud: Everybody start fightin’! We have all 16…wait a sec! Where is Cid?

Narrator: Who stole Cid? (Barret did, and we all know that, but this is tradition)

All: Okay, Barret, just poop him out or something.

Barret: I didn’t eat him.

All: Yeah right, and the Promised Land really exists.

Barret: Look! It’s the Promised Land!

All: Where? ::turn heads::

Barret: Really, I didn’t eat him.

All: We know you were "jes" using him for your sandwich.

Cid: ::yells down from sky:: Hey guys!!!

Squall: Where did you get the Ragnarok?!

Cid: Found it! ::fires missile at Galbadia Garden::

Galbadia Garden: BOOM!!! ::blows up::

Cloud: Why aren’t you using the Highwing?

Cid: I couldn’t find it.

Barret: I WAS JES’ USING IT FOR MY SANDWICH!!!

Narrator: A happy ending, and all is well…

Cloud: Wait a God @#$% second! I have to marry Aeris!

Tifa: And I have to marry Vincent!

Squall: And I have to marry Rinoa!

Barret: And I have to marry Selphie!

Irvine: And I have to marry Quistis!

Quistis: EEEEWWWWW! No you don’t!

Irvine: It was worth a shot…

Narrator: But I’m tired of typing…

Cloud: DO IT!

Narrator: Okay, so Cloud and Aeris got married…

Cloud: No! The readers want to experience it in full detail!

Narrator: At the wedding chapel…

Aeris: Oh I just love joint marriages!

Cloud: You’ve never gotten married.

Aeris: Oh, right.

Cid & Red13 & Cait Sith: ::whisper:: Let’s make Cloud drunk! Hehehe…

Cait Sith: Here, Cloud, some beer for a short notice bachelor party!

Cloud: Well, a little couldn’t hurt. ::drinks beer::

Red X111: I took the liberty to make you some beer!

Cloud: (wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings) ::drinks beer::

Cid: Cloud, It’s my momma’s recipe!

Cloud: (well, I suppose I could stand a little longer) ::drinks beer::

Aeris: Cloud, It’s starting!

Cloud: Wha? What’s startin’?????

Aeris: The wedding!!!

Cloud: Wha weddin’????

Aeris: Ours! Are you drunk?

Cloud: Yupuroonies I sure am am ama ama ama amamamam!

Aeris: EEERRRRRGGGGHHH! He should know better!

Tifa: Better get started…

Priest: Now where’s that book?

Narrator: Who stole the priest’s book?

All: Barret.

Cloud: Sephiroth?

Aeris: Now Cloud, I know that you’re drunk, but everyone knows that Barret ate it.

Barret: I didn’t eat it.

All: SAY WHAT?!

Sephiroth: Ha ha ha! I took it!

Aeris: Did you beat Ultimicia?

Sephiroth: No, she felt sorry for me and let me go.

All: Oh.

Aeris: Well you won’t spoil my wedding!

Sephiroth: I just wanted some attention.

Aeris: Why?

Sephiroth: So I could show that old lady how to play some real wedding music!!!

::lights go out::

Sephiroth: ::plays Gettin’ Jiggy Wit’ It::

Aeris: Alright, I’m gonna kick yo’ momma’s heiny!

Sephiroth: Leave my momma outta this!

Aeris: ::turns to group:: Let’s go!

All: ::dancing:: Can we stay for the music?

Aeris: Oh well, Cloud and I can still get married.

Priest: I’m gonna hafta do this without the book…

Priest: Do you, Cloud, take Aeris to be your mouthful beheaded wife, through life, death, and drunkenness?

Cloud: I…um…I love another, I mean, I do!

Priest: Do you, Aeris, take Cloud to be your waffle shredded husband, through life, death, and resurrection?

Aeris: You can bet yo’ golden chocobo I do!

Priest: I now pronounce you…

Ruckus: It’s so beautiful!! WAAAAAAAAA!!! ::starts crying::

Mojo: There, there, I’m sure that your mental disorder is just a little sensitive after that long plane ride.

Priest: Ahem…no more interuptions!

Priest: You may now slap the bride, doh! Kiss…

Cloud: ::kisses the priest:: SMOOCH!

Priest: YUCK!

Aeris: Sorry, he’s a bit drunk. ::makes Cloud kiss her::

Barret: (best man) Hi!

Aeris: Where are the rings?

Narrator: Who stole the rings?

All: Sephiroth, he wanted attention.

Cloud: Barret?

Aeris: Cloud, I know you’re drunk, but everyone knows Sephiroth took them.

Barret: I WAS JES’ USING THEM FOR MY SANDWICH!

All: Doh!

Barret: I knew I would get hungry, so I brought 4 rings!

Narrator: Looks like Cloud and Aeris finally got married…

Cloud: Let’s cut the cake.

All: Cloud…

Cloud: Oh, let me guess, Barret was just using it for his sandwich.

Barret: ::nods::

Narrator: Later at Shin-ra Mansion…

Sephiroth: Are you guys here to kill me?

All: No, we just like your music!

Sephiroth: Sweet!

Narrator: Later that night…

Cloud: Boy, am I the only one up? Everyone must be pooped.

Cloud: I think I’ll take a look in the basement vaults.

Cloud: ::overhears Sephiroth mumbling to himself::

Sephiroth: Ha ha ha ha! Professor Gast’s books say that the Promised Land is in FF9! All I have to do is wait for FF9 to hit the shelves…

Cloud: Gotcha’ SEPHY!

Sephiroth: Don’t call me Sephy!!!

Cloud: Ha ha ha ha for me! I have a translator! Do you know what that means? It means I can play Japanese games before you!

Sephiroth: OOOHHHHH NNNNNOOOO!!!

Cloud: Oh, yes! And I will save the Promised Land from you and Shin-ra and Galbadia!

Sephiroth: NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Narrator: In summer 2000…

Cloud: Yay! I bought FF9!

Squall: Really?! Let me play!

Cloud: Hold on I’ve almost beat this boss…

Squall: Okay, now all we have to do is hook our memory card up with FF9’s and voila! We’re in the game!

Cloud: ::hooks up memory cards::

The Planet: I’M TOO…ERRGHH…OLD…FOR…THIS!!!!!!!!

The Planet: BBBBBBAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRFFFFFFFF!!!!

Cloud: We’re in FF9!

Narrator: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I have been waiting for this!

Squall: What?

Narrator: Now I can kill you and take this as an opportunity to write a better fanfic in the Promised Land!

Cloud: Oh, crudness…

Narrator 2: After ten hard days of fighting…

Aeris: It’s no use, he’s too strong…

Red X111: I know! The lifestream! It destroyed Meteor!

Lifestream: I seep out of every nook and cranny in the earth, I slowly make my way, penetrating through the atmosphere like a masamune blade through butter. My green glow irritates the eyes as if it were a death sentence ready to be put into action…my target, my goal, is the evil Narrator. Once in my vision there is no escape-for I am death itself-the countless souls entwined throughout me give power to an everlasting stream of energy, set on destroying the villain of all villains-the evil Narrator.

All: …bink…blink…

All: Whoa! This new Narrator is a lot more descriptive!

Narrator: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ::dies::

Narrator 2: The deed is done.

All: But where’s the Lifestream?!

Narrator 2: Who stole the Lifestream?

All: Barret?!

Barret: I WAS JES’ USING IT FOR MY SANDWICH!!!

All: ?!

RedX111: We should go find the Promised Land now.

Cloud: OKLY DOKLY ARTICHOKLY!

Squall: I heard someone say it was west of here…

Narrator 2: The next day…

Rinoa: This is where it was supposed to be.

Tifa: Barret, I thought we told you to go ahead and tell us if you saw it!

Barret: I did see it.

Zell: Then where is it?!

Narrator 2: Who stole the Promised Land?

All: NO, IT CAN’T BEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Barret: I WAS JES’ USING IT FOR MY SANDWICH!!!

All: YOU ATE THE PROMISED LAND?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Narrator 2: Summer 2001…

Sephiroth: Finally! I hope those idiots didn’t destroy it already!

Cloud: ::comes out of FF9:: All yours Sephy!

Sephiroth: Don’t call me Sephy!

Sephiroth: Hello, what’s this? No Promised Land?!?!?!?!?

Sephiroth: AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

Narrator 2: At Costa Del Sol…

Ruckus: We failed again.

Mojo: The bad guys always fail. Haven’t you figured it out already?

Ruckus: So, whatcha wanna do?

Mojo: I would enjoy a slight burning of the outer body shell.

Ruckus: A what?

Mojo: I WANT A @#$%ING TAN OKAY?!?!?!?!?!?

Cloud: Hey guys!

Ruckus: What do you want?

Squall: We want to ask you a question.

Mojo: Get on with it.

Aeris: Why do you think good guys like us always win?

Ruckus: I know what you’re doing-my father did it all the time!

Rinoa: Well?

1. We’re sure we will win
2.We have the ability to regain HP
3. If we didn’t, Squaresoft would get a lot of nasty letters

Mojo: Easy! You’re sure that you will win! I know that one by heart!

All: Nope! It was #3! Face the facts, you braino!!! Hahahahahaha!!!

Narrator 2: As Ruckus and Mojo say their final goodbyes, a crevice in the ground starts to expand and they fall to their doom in the shadowy depths below…as for our heroes, they walk off into the sunset, holding hands, and wait, no, wrong script…as for our heroes, they trudge through the rain, in the middle of the night, holding their umbrellas…