...things a guy doesn't want to hear his blind date say:

1. I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.
2. Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.
3. Before we go out we have to get the rules straight. Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
4. That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
5. Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
6. This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
7. Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.
8. You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.
9. I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
10. Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my diaper.

Top ten reasons it's time to upgrade your computer...

1. Your graphics accelerator card is connected to the treadmill in your hamsters cage.
2. The smoke and fumes from your CPU are beginning to affect your health.
3. The only sound you get from your sound card is "cough, cough...wheeze"
4. The magnifying glass in front of your tiny monitor is starting to melt the plastic casing.
5. You attempt to connect to a site with graphics and your modem displays a pop-up window saying "You're kidding, right"
6. The start button on your Window 95 taskbar says "Attempt to Start"
7. You find yourself drilling holes in your floor or desktop to hold your 'puter in place while it's running.
8. Your idea of multimedia is turning on the stereo in the next room.
9. Your email comes back with postage due.
10. You have to "crankstart" it like an old model "T".

Top ten reasons to go to Boogie Jack's everyday...

1. Webmaster is obviously deranged and you support the mentally challenged.
2. To show your children what can happen to them if they don't pay attention in school.
3. You're a vegetarian and won't visit any sites with real meat in the content.
4. Morons like Boogie Jack need love too.
5. You want to be my one millionth visitor and win that stick of gum.
6. You've been a bad boy or girl and this is your punishment.
7. You always wondered what that commercial meant by "a mind is a terrible thing to waste."
8. You just can't believe that Boogie Jack's, like the energizer bunny, just keeps going and going...
9. You're still trying to figure out why it exists.
10. Boogie Jack's is like a big, fuzzy teddy bear and you needed a cyber-hug :-) aww...

Top ten ways you know you're getting old...

1. You clean your teeth in the dishwasher.
2. You can't find your glasses when they're on your face.
3. You forget to take your hearing aid out before applying Q-tip.
4. Your back goes out more than you do.
5. You no longer have a stack of books waiting to be read.
6. You notice a lot more people calling you sir or ma'am these days, and they seem old.
7. You've fallen and can't get up.
8. You're driving along and suddenly can't remember where you're going.
9. Those issues of Reader's Digest just can't come fast enough.
10. You find yourself thinking "boy, I sure could go for a nice tall glass of prune juice right now."

Since 02/17/99