I don't really "journal." I mean, I like the idea of journaling. It sounds so nice and I'm completely jealous of the people who are able to 'pour out' onto paper regularly. Both Melissa and Ashley are journal-ers. They find comfort and clarity in being able to write down what they feel. I guess it helps them to actually figure out and understand how and why they feel or do the things that they - well - feel and do. Isn't that great? I mean...that's awesome stuff. I just can't seem to do it. I've tried, but I typically think things out that are on my mind, and I don't often have anything to write. So I don't have daily or weekly journaling entries and I don't keep any sort of regular diary.

From time to time, though, something will come along that I feel strongly about, and that makes me want to write it all down and sort through it. Whenever I get that compulsion to churn out an essay about one topic or other, it is usually irrepressible. I mean, when I get that urge to write, I have to write it now. Of all the things I've written in my lifetime, my favorite 'pieces' are the ones I've written in those moments of emotional fever that consumed me and forced me to get a pen (ok, ok, I'm a child of the 80's. There were never any pens involved. It's always a keyboard). I refer to myself as a first draft wonder because the best stuff I've ever done was never the stuff that I spent hours revising and wording carefully. The best things are always the ones that come straight out of me like a flood, and they are always the ones that I write out on a lunch break or during one of those late night insomniac veg-outs.

Anyway, that is what I'm going to use this page for. I'll be posting my little pontifications and moralizations whenever they pop up and sieze me. Now...the private things, I will usually keep to myself...but if the topic that I'm mulling over isn't too personal, then I figure - why the hell not post it? If something on the news makes me mad, and I want to write an editorial about it...it'll go here. If I have some random and meandering "amyism" to share, I'll put it here. You know? That kind of stuff. I hope you like it. If you don't...don't read it. It's all up to you and the free will God gave ya. *grin* Happy reading.










Life is full of disappointments and failures. The idea that happiness is a constant state-of-being to strive for – well, that’s just a load of crap. I think that a lot of us walk around trying to work toward some fuzzy goal in the distance that will finally bring us to that elusive state of happiness, and we just know that it’s out there at the end of a proverbial rainbow, somewhere. This belief in future happiness comes in various forms, but it’s easiest to recognize if seen in “when” and “after” statements. “When I get my raise,” “after the kids graduate from school,” “when we buy a house,” or “after I finish my degree.” So…we chase after the happiness. We run for it and keep that damn rainbow in sight at all times. It is in this manner that most of us will live out our entire stay on this planet – racing toward something that isn’t ever going to be there. The fruitless struggle to achieve Almighty Happiness claims the lives of entirely too many of us.

“There will always be vexation and grief.” That is a line from the Austenite film, “A&E’s Pride & Prejudice.” It is also one of the best ways to describe what life is all about that I have ever heard. No matter how great your life is, there will always be vexation and grief. No matter how beautifully your marriage works, there will always be vexation and grief. No matter how thoroughly you plan, judiciously you spend, or lovingly you relate, there will still be vexation and grief. You cannot escape having disappointment, crisis, and tragedy in your days. Everyone around you in the world has pain. You will have your share, as well…whether you like it or not.

I’ve had my dose of disappointment in the last couple of years. I’m not alone in this, I know, but my own suffering is what I can identify and learn from. I can see pain in others, but the only pain that I know anything about, for sure, is my own. For example…there are thousands of people who’ve been through a divorce, but there is only one person who went through my divorce (yes, there were two people in the marriage, but that would be a discussion of “our” divorce, not “my” divorce). The experience that I had during divorce, though similar in many ways to other divorce experiences, is unique. The experience that I had during high school, though similar to many other high school experiences, is also unique. I cannot look at similar life events in other people and claim to know what they felt simply because I’ve been through “the same thing.” We are all different. For that reason, we all suffer in a personal and distinct way.

There is, because of all this unique suffering, a sort of isolation that builds inside of a person. That isolation can manifest itself as a number of different things: depression, anger, self-loathing, or perhaps, even, a feeling of superiority. People relate to other people through coping mechanisms that are developed to counteract these things. Our personalities are created more by the negative experiences we endure in life and our reactions to them than by any other shaping force. In my case, the pain I’ve had in life has plagued me with loneliness. I have love in my life; I have people in my daily world who truly care about my welfare and state of mind. This does not change the fact that I suffer alone – just like everyone else.

The sooner that we accept and really internalize that other people’s insides are different from our own, the sooner it will be that we can make progress in preventing and helping one another with suffering. Just because Jane lost a pet in the past does not mean that Jane can “relate” to her friend, Joan, if she also loses a pet. Jane will be better equipped to assist Joan and empathize with her than someone who never lost a beloved animal, but if Jane presumes that Joan’s suffering is identical to her own…she will fail to be of any true use and comfort to her friend. People suffer alone because suffering is personal and unique. No one can “feel” the pain with us. We feel it, struggle through it, and are shaped by it, in isolation.

The never-ending quest for happiness is, like suffering, also journeyed alone in most cases. Each individual has a different way of looking toward his or her own goal of happiness. Even if two partners have the same “after” and “when” statements, they are each journeying toward happiness as individuals. “When we get a house,” could be the when statement for both partners, but I can guarantee that the ideas of why and how that house will give happiness feel different inside each of the two people.

Learning to live in the present is what my true goal has become. Now, I’m not knocking future planning. Hey, I make goals for my future and strive for them all the time. I cannot live solely to accomplish those goals, however. I cannot expect the people in my life – even my dearest friends and family – to feel and live for my goals in the same way that I do. I have to have a purpose in my own present in order to find contentment and happiness. I try to take joy in my small, everyday life. My purpose for getting up in the morning and my identity in this world have to be inside that woman who goes to the bank and the grocery store before rushing home to work out and make dinner. They have to come from that life that consists mostly of dreaming, being in love with Ashley, and the tedium of day-to-day cleaning, working, and “doing.” I must be able to glean an infinitely greater degree of happiness from reading a novel or drinking an especially good smoothie from my blender than from sighing wistfully about a future goal that I might truly never get to have. The focus must turn from “how good it’s going to be when…,” to “how good it is today because…”

Why am I writing about this? I know, it sounds kind of depressing, but it really isn’t. This whole line of thought is the product of my reflections on recent life history. I’ve been through so much disappointment. All my “when” and “after” statements got blown out of the water. All of the far-off goals that I had allowed my future happiness to depend on were taken from me. My marriage failed. My vow to become a U.S. Marine failed. All those gorgeous and perfect plans that I had built up around my husband and my career goals were gone. My life was a blank. I had no idea what to want, what to wish for, what to look forward to. I was abandoned and lost in my own skin because my entire purpose for living was focused on things that I wanted to do later. I had no goals for today. I had been living for the things I would have two years from now instead of the things I would have two hours from now.

Buying a new book is a big deal. It’s a big event in your day to purchase something new. Hell, if you buy a new brand of shampoo, that’s most likely going to be a big wave in your immediate life. What’s wrong with allowing it to be a source of joy? Why is it pathetic to hold simple things like that in equally high esteem to life’s larger events like closing on a new home, or finishing a college degree? Why not celebrate the fact that there was an extra $30 in the bank this week or that you hit nothing but green lights on your way home from work? All of that stuff is LIFE. Those tiny, insignificant things are REAL. They are the only part of life that IS real. These little things are what we need to live for. Rejoicing in one’s daily good is infinitely more rewarding than meticulously planning for a good that might bring great joy later on.

I thought that I understood this before. I truly believed that I’d had an epiphanous moment back in the Spring of 1999 in which I’d seen the light and learned to live for today. I had not. I learned, then, how important it was not to waste time. I learned to make plans and act toward them so as not to let opportunities pass me by. I stopped dreaming and started working. That was all great stuff. It pointed me in the right direction, but it wasn’t the whole enchilada. The point that I missed, almost entirely, back then, was that – if all you do is act toward what you’re planning – then what in goodness’ name will you do if that plan doesn’t work out?

There has to be something bigger in your life than the plans you make. No one can fill your daily void for you (because they all have their own voids to fill). You cannot fill your daily void by living to help and guide the other people in your life (because you will never be the main character in anyone’s play but your own). You have to let your little things constitute your reason to be. You have to notice them, act on them, and appreciate them…by yourself.

Plan your big things. Want, wish, and work for your big things. LIVE in your small things.

Love the people around you. Take joy in that love and give that joy out in bushel baskets. Empathize with, but don’t believe for a second that you “understand,” the pain and longings of others. Don’t depend on others to understand your crap, either.

Listen to the world around you. Be aware of the people in your life. Watch and take joy in the small dramas of every day. There is an entire world out there to explore. You are not the center of it. Be in it; marvel at its complexity, size, and beauty.

If we can do these things, then we can truly live. If we can’t, then we’re just living for something that we’re never going to get. Untainted happiness does not exist. It never has. It never will. It is the trial of humanity to accept and cope with adversity. There is pain and suffering. There is vexation and grief (*grin*). There are also lightening bugs, blue kool-aid drinks, and an occasional checkout counter with a short line. Be present and awake for all of it.

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
--H.D. Thoreau (smart man)


From the Pen of Aspen Lowood
August 13, 2001
12:27pm, MST

Accepting Responsibility Penned Nov. 12, 2000		Farenheit 451 Penned Nov. 17, 2000		That Voice Penned Nov. 22, 2000
Running Penned Nov. 24, 2000		Random Thoughts Penned Dec. 23, 2000		Weighing In Penned Jan. 11, 2001
Courage Penned Jan. 17, 2001		Dreams of Michael Penned Mar. 7, 2001		I Know For Sure Penned Mar. 14, 2001

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The text and images on this page were created by and are the exclusive property of Aspen Lowood and Lowood Online. They may not be taken from this site or copied, in whole or in part, without the express permission of the owner. The webmistress may be reached for question or comment at aspenusmc@hotmail.com.