"Is it wrong not to always be glad ? "
--Sheila Take A Bow, The Smiths

When Hardee's named the Monster Burger, they weren't making any unrightful claims. This thing is huge, like a tract of land. You need two hands to succesfully contain its girth. Morphine and whiskey make the world a more bearable place, but when you hold up a Monster Burger, the world simply dissapears behind its beefy facade. I mean, you can still hear it and all, and the bums still ask you for change, but you can't see any of it. Cuz, you know, you're holding a giant burger in front of your eyes.

The reason I was at Hardee's was because it's at the Greyhound station, and I had to take Sasha there to get the bus home. Because she visited. Because she's my best friend and I love her. Overall, it was good times. Drinking and such occurred, she met Rob and Laura and liked them, and heartily approved of my being friends with them. Especially Laura. She really liked Laura. She hit on her a lot, which was funny, until Sasha got her to lay down with us, and then it was really cool. Not that anything was going to happen - stupid boyfriend. I'm just glad because I think this is the first time that Sasha has ever fully approved of one of my crushes. There was also some moviewatching, and CD ripping, and other friend-visiting activities.

The big problem with the whole weekend was actually Sasha's mother. She's crazy. I'm not going to go into all the details of what occurred, but it's an interesting and unique experience to be yelled at by someone else's mother. It's awkward till you realize that you don't have to listen. She tried to pull the whole adult vs. child thing on me, which made me extremely grr. Being older doesn't automatically make you wiser, which is especially true of someone who's so out of touch with her daughter. And I quote:
Sasha: Do you understand what I'm saying?
Her Mom: Yes, I understand.
Sasha: Do you really?
Her Mom: No, but...
I wish I was making this up. But I'm not. Sasha's mom is crazier than Sasha is, and that's where half of Sasha's problems come from. On to the next subject.

This is a drunken letter that my roommate Chris wrote me over break. The handwriting gets worse and worse as it goes on. Spelling errors are actually attempts to simulate horrific handwriting.

Justin,

Well, due to your requests, this letter is adressed to you. And, due to me neglecting to bring home a legal pad, this letter is being written on a ghetto-high-scool discarded french notebook. You know, I am brought time and time again to lament my Irish - (and of course time-tested and well-worn) alcohol tolerance. I have consumed half a bottle of "Prestige" Vodka (just so you know how prestigious it is, it cost a princely sum of $5) and I can still spell and make salient cracks about how ghetto my vodka is (was). Hell, I can even use the word "salient." Oh, wait, I just thought of telling you how I was hearing a christmas carol being sung in my head by elves, so the Prestige must be doing at least a small portion of its job - Sheesh, I was getting worried. [ ] Anyway, in between those two brackets was about a half hour of AIM where I argued w/Ben about study habits and learned/consoled about Erica's breakup w/Kurt. [ ] Yet another bout of AIM I forget, but more Ben, and I think fatso Tome was hitting on me. PS, fatso Tome is NEVER allowed in our room. Just a sec, I need to get the last drops of the emergency reserves. There wasn't too much, only like two shots. I need to drink H2O after this cup, so remind me. Oh man, I was supposed to have so much more to talk about. Oh! I have it, but wait, lemme drink more, and then it'll come out funnier, or at least faster. Wow. Never mind, I'll wait on that last drink. But don't worry. IT WILL BE CONSUMED! I was going to talk about how I'm straight now. I mean, beyond the homosexual thing and the ability to dance. I'm so much straigher than Daniel. Thus, I've recanted on the homosexual portion. I hate gays! They're so stupid slutty and superficial! God, I feel like I'm the only gay virgin in the entire world. WAIT scratch that, I meant FORMERLY gay virgin. Anyway, gay culture is superfluous, degrading, self-destructive (not to mention AIDS-ridden), and plain moronic. I read somewhere that gays on average have higher incomes than heteros, but that must be because our world values and encourages stupidity. One moment, am going to finish all available alcohol. God I hope I don't pass into puking. There's only so much the pyloric value can forgive. Oh man, wait,
OK, so I went to the toilet and heaved, but I did not liberate any fluids. BUT i did not finish the remainders of my holiday stash. No tragedy, can finish later, but had to poup pour the drink into a bottle and that was quite a process involving a straw, more dfn drinking, and a few more gags. Anyway sorry that this vurnal entry nasn't- delightfully non-sequitur or anything but hopefully maey my handwriting has gone to enough shit that you think this letter is bad enough. Hoping that your holiday break is as substance-filled as mine, your roomie,

CHRIS

Hehe, Chris is funny. Hm. What else... oh, I can back up to birthday stuff. Finally get to thank the people that came that night: Sasha, Jesse, Eric, Ali, and Leanora. The night before, Sasha asked me what I was doing for my birthday, and when I told her that I had nothing planned, she took it upon herself to plan an outing. Which she did, successfully, very proud of her. I also requested that she make it a surprise party. That was interesting. We ran into Eric in the Village, because Ali never told him about the surprise part or anything. He got worried that he messed it all up, but then I explained the situation, and then he "Oh, I'm just randomly wandering the Village, waiting for Ali. Maybe we'll randomly run into you. At a random table, at Silver Spurs." Perfect. Getting said table was also interesting: "Can we get a table for six? You know, just in case any of our friends wander by and decide to join us." And they did. I got good presents. Jesse got me a Saruman action figure, to beat up the two crappy oldschool Gandalfs I have at home. Sasha got me earrings that actually match each other. The best present came from Ali and Eric. They got me a shiny box full of tissue paper. It also contained a framed picture of Arsenic and Lace, Ali's cats, laying together on a couch. Awww! I miss Arsenic. She misses me too. Apparently, Lace misses me too, but I don't think she has a crush on me. Just Arsenic. Interspecies love is so tragic. You didn't hear me say that.

Note to self: I need to buy more cheapass DVDs with four really bad movies on them. End note.

What else, what else... oh yeah, Daniel is being really annoying. He broke up with his girlfriend, ok, cool, mad sympathy there, especially because of how she treated him. But she kept asking for some time and space, and every time I talked to Dan, he starts the conversation "So I talked to Michelle last night, and I realized I need to give her that alone-time she asked for." Every day. Now that the breakup is finalized, he's sick of hearing about her and having to talk about her. Every day. Twice a day. *Door open sound* "Hey guys, I'm sick of talking about Michelle."

And then there was a riot.

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