I am an emotional assassin.
I am a social chameleon, able to exist and survive in any group, be it at the periphery or as an associate. I am your compatriate, your friend, your loved one, your lover.
And I am dangerous. Because I don't care. Because I don't seem to be capable of the great majority of emotions at most times. Because all I have left is love, and contempt, and amusement, and very little in between. Empathy in abundance, yes, but very little good comes out of that except for those I love. And even they'll tell you it isn't all that great.
Constant outward pressure is necessary to sustain oneself in a pressurized environment. Fine. I can handle that. My defense is lashing out, and I am in a constant state of defense. For those I love, amusement and love usually win out and prevent anything untoward from occurring. Usually. When those two emotions aren't appropriate, I only have one to fall back on.
I can act out others, of course. It's part of the job. Part of the games, too. But it's not me - not that I can tell or find honestly, at any rate. I think most people prefer me honest.
I lost a friend today. A good one. The best I had here, at the very least. Why? Because I refuse to compromise. The problem is, by compromising I compromise myself. My integrity. My being. Emotions are the one thing I refuse to compromise about. Because I'm afraid. Afraid of going back to the miserable hellhole that my life was during high school, when I felt things.
I lost a friend today. A good one. And it bothers me not at all. The only thing really going through my mind was that I had triumphed. Overcome an obstacle, dropped a burden, passed a milestone.
I survived.
I am an emotional assassin. And it feels wonderful.