"All we ever wanted was everything. All we ever got was cold."
--Bauhaus, All We Ever Wanted Was Everything
A whole bunch of random things before anything important. First off, I've decided that LiveJournal is wonderful for the little thing that says "Current Music." People either write what they're listening to as they write, or something that seems appropriate at the time. Nifty. All of my journal entries will now have a quote or song name at the top, because I'm jealous and whatnot. Well, not really but it seemed like a good idea at 3AM..
Second, some thoughts on an older diary entry by the Edd. The important part is, of course, the bit about roleplaying. I completely agree, and it's a bad habit of the Stuy school of gamers, among others. People forget about the humans behind their chars, and the storytelling part of the storytelling game. Even vamps were humans once, and only the hoariest (I got to use the word hoariest!) elders can't remember that. Hopefully you reminded someone out there that personal goals are just as important as any other kind in an RPG. I also think you hit the nail on the head about the war stories. The best ones are about the characters, not the game. And yeah, LARPs are inherently worse than TT. They tend to bring out worst of the group involved, even aside from gaming issues. Now that I'm done praising the Edd for her wisdom, I'd like to warn her that if she calls herself a goth again without even explaining why, I'll tear out her eyes with guitar picks :) Much love. I'll see you and your boy once we're back in the city, hopefully.
Now on to more serious stuff.
As to the ongoing situation and prevailing drama being discussed by my friends and others, I am going to momentarily break my unspoken rule about not getting involved to utter four simple, if slightly prophetic words: I told you so.
And now to me. Can't believe I took this long to get to the main part of the entry. The song finally makes sense.
Here I am at college. Half a year done. I think I'm passing. I think I'm passing well. I think I'm keeping my scholarship. I think I hate this. I'm working on running two games to get my roleplaying fix. I'm going back to FF9 to take up time. I'm teaching myself Flash and guitar to amuse myself and impress other people. Professors tell me I'm learning. And I'm utterly bored simply because all of these activities, any of which I could amuse myself with for days at a time, are reduced to "things I do to pass the time until I have to do something I hate." Don't get me wrong, American is a great place as colleges go, but it's still a college. I'm kinda-learning things that don't particularily mean anything to me for the most part in order to... in order to what? Discussions are fun and interesting. Papers and assignments are stupid and pointless and good for nothing but raising the mean student blood pressure. I don't want to be a psychologist. I don't want to be an English / History / Philosophy professor or teacher. I don't want to put anything I am doing now to practical use. In a year and a half I'm going to choose a major based on a)what I think I can do well in, and b)what I dislike rather than despise. All I do is endure, which takes quite a bit away from what I enjoy - none of which will pay a salary anytime soon.
Am I depressed again? I don't think so. Do I wish I was? Not really, although I would have an excuse not to do any of this. I'm just sure that I'm missing out on something major, like the part where they tell you how to look forward to things. I'm at college because you go to college. I slog on because it's what I'm supposed to do. I don't give up because... because I don't.