by Mistress Kassandra Kane
"Safewords are expressions of communications - verbal or non-verbal - that all parties agree to in negotiation, that will stop or alter a session. Either the dominant or the submissive may use safewords. Safewords must ALWAYS be respected."
The above information is common knowledge in the S/M community. It is something that everyone in the S/M scene who has attended any class or presentation, attended any play parties, or played with a partner with any experience understands. But with this understanding can come dangerous assumptions:
Submissives can assume that using a safeword is being a wimp. If a submissive views using a safeword as a weakness, they may be reluctant to or even refuse to use it, even if it would be appropriate.
Dominants can assume that a submissive can "just stop a session" by using the safeword. Sometimes the energy in a play session will take a submissive to a different head space. Often a dominant will periodically ask a submissive, "What is your safeword?" to assure that the submissive remembers it. But the submissive can be in mental space that even though they know it, they cannot use it.
It can be dangerous for a dominant to continue a session based on the assumption that the submissive has a safeword, and therefore will use it if necessary. Safewords do NOT replace the necessity for a dominant to be VERY present and aware of what's going on with the submissive.
Intense stimulation - both physical and verbal - can bring up body-memories that tie into previous experiences and emotions that can be distracting to a scene.
It's important for the dominant to know the difference between a submissive curling up into that wonderful "never place" and the submissive shifting into a previous memory of non-consensual pain, and withdrawing into a fear-based cocoon.
One way I determine the difference is though communication. I often ask my submissives how they are doing and what level they are experiencing the stimulation, not necessarily for WHAT they say, but HOW they say it. To me there is an obvious difference between a vacant, spacey response from the "never place", and the realization that the submissive has become three years old.
The dominant needs to be attentive to recognize that something is going on with the submissive. An S/M scene is no place for therapy, however, it's helpful if the dominant has the necessary background and skill to recognize the need to suggest seeking professional help, or to give the submissive an opportunity to realize that issues are coming up, which can be quite healing.
Understanding that it's time to change the scene or stop it altogether and support the submissive in getting grounded is critical. And, it's important to remember that any serious issues should be referred to a professional counselor.
It's also possible for the dominant to get into body-memory space. Stimulations or triggers can come from a smart-assed attitude of the submissive or from a physical pattern in the scene. The altered head space can manifest itself as distracted play, emotional discomfort in the scene, feeling tired or angry, or even getting into "out-of-control" dominance. It will dramatically shift the energy of the scene and can be unsafe for both the dominant and the submissive. It certainly is an appropriate time for the dominant to use a safeword to stop the scene. Play smart. Play safe.
Even without dramatic, body-memory type of mind shifts, it's not logical to expect a submissive who is really "into" the scene, and flying high in their "never place" to have the presence of mind to know that something is hurting in an unsafe way, or that something is going on that is not safe for him. Ultimately, the safety of both the dominant and the submissive is protected by the awareness of the conscientious dominant.
Safewords are important. They should be used, and they should always be respected. But both the dominant and the submissive should be aware of the limitations of their effectiveness.
Trust between play partners is far more than a physical exchange between people. It is built through a respect and understanding of the dynamics and psychology of erotic power.
Copyright 1994 by Mistress Kassandra Kane
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