Top-N Surreal Top-N
(drumroll, please...)
1. HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that
means. KaBOOM!
Submitted: ChAoS
2. the bees fly with ease through the trees that grow from my knees. They
gasp and wheeze and start to sneeze as they crash into the seven seas.
Submitted: ChAoS
3. Timm launches beef through the screen
Submitted: CONFIG.SYS
4. Jinxster appears naked in angrywhitemale's bathroom, only to disappear
and reappear in his toilet
Submitted: CONFIG.SYS
5. Mot P turns into a giant fly and infects all Top-N users with Motlayia
Submitted: CONFIG.SYS
6. The Mad Farter is invited to the White House to explain the SBD theory
(Silent But Deadly)
Submitted: Patsy's Old Man
7. Isn't top-n surreal enough already?
Submitted: A Gecko Named Laura(Why should I tell you?)
8. Generic top-n user begins to take on a deeper meaning.
Submitted: Just Me(help.its.got.me.com)
9. Fish!
Submitted: Rambo Bob(pablo.pic@sso.painted.by.numbers)
10. This is not a website.
Submitted: I am not Dangerman(This is not an e-mail address)
11. About half an hour.
Submitted: Tec42(under the bathtub)
12. Come on down! Come on down! Come on down! Oh no. It's broken again.
Where's that donkey?
Submitted: Tec42(under the bathtub)
13. I laughed. Oh did I laugh. But then, I guess I thought it was funny.
How odd that no one else was laughing, and the strange looks that
flashed across their faces when I did the bill cosby wiggle fingers in
front of my face thing. We tend to find that people keep dying. This
is obviously a design problem. Sometimes, I need a refund. Perhaps if
I can find receipts for all these dead people, someone will pay me a
whole mess of money. Try and sell her the eggs. You don't need the
eggs, and obviously she is desparate. Support starving programmers.
How easy it is to steal someone's pen. Our bread gets moldy. don't eat
the bread it's moldy. mold is not good. don't eat the bread. mold is
very hard to find on
vegetables.......don't........eat...........the..............bread...Find
the ketchup!
Submitted: Tec42(under the bathtub)
14. ChAoS looses coherence, his pattern breaks up, and his molecules loose
adhesion sending atoms flying off in random fractal like patterns
until he disintegrates.
Submitted: ChAoS(think.happy.thoughts)
15. #1 I'd hate to see what Klingon Barf does!
Submitted: ChAoS(think.happy.thoughts)
16. we become the result of a late night painting session between Piccasso
and Salvadore Dali!
Submitted: ChAoS(think.happy.thoughts)
17. Mindless ramblings by me and anyone else would make sense
Submitted: Just Me(basic.complain.represented.shoe@compass.foil.run)
18. TopN would look like you were on cocaine, and if you *were* on
cocaine, it would look normal (kind of like Pink Floyd's "The Wall"
video)
Submitted: Just Me(basic.complain.represented.shoe@compass.foil.run)
19. #13 - Do you think Timm would kill a cow and eat it with a spoon?
Submitted: Just Me(basic.complain.represented.shoe@compass.foil.run)
20. #17. killing a cow with a spoon sounds difficult and most spoons can't
eat so eating it WITH the spoon would definately happen only on
surreal top-N
Submitted: ChAoS
21. GENERIC SURREAL ENTRY WITH THE MEANING OF THE UNIVERSE ATTACHED. (NO
ITS NOT 42. ITS 420) :^)
Submitted: GENERIC TOP-N USER(OOO AAAH)
22. #5: CHUCK GENERIC BEEF! And strange names, like ReedMan, Jinxster,
Just Me, etc.
Submitted: The Impostor(Now where'd I put that waffle iron?)
23. #19: WOW! I didn't know you had a personality! (And it's not 420, it's
42 * 10) (-:
Submitted: The Impostor(Now where'd I put that waffle iron?)
24. "Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy, fish! Oh where did that fish go?"
Submitted: Don Juan is the Walrus(Plastecene porters are knocking at
my door...)
25. To be or not to be, that explains the melting walls.
Submitted: Don Juan is the Walrus(Plastecene porters are knocking at
my door...)
26. #19: No, no, no! It's not 420, it's "GENERIC STRING OF NUMERALS".
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
27. #20: And shouldn't that be "GENERIC BOVINE MEAT PRODUCT"?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
28. Come on! I can do GENERIC's job better than HE can! Shape up or ship
out!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
29. Or: GENERIC EXHORTATION TO EITHER CONFORM TO YOUR GENERIC MONIKER OR
BEGIN A NAUTICAL VOYAGE TO A GENERIC ELSEWHERE.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
30. GENERIC INQUIRY AS TO WHETHER I GIVE YOU GENERIC IMPERITIVES ON HOW TO
DO YOUR GENERIC JOB DESCRIPTION
Submitted: GENERIC TOP-N USER
31. #26 GENERIC IMPERATIVE DIRECTIVE TO GO GENERIC SEXUAL TERM YOURSELF
Submitted: GENERIC TOP-N USER
32. Hey! Look behind you!
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
33. Add some blue for unreality.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
34. Let us now speak according to natural lights.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
35. Ah! But how will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
36. The moon really isn't the proper place to leave your wet socks to dry.
Very little pomp, and hardly any circumstance.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
37. Painting the town red accomplishes nothing if it rains the next day.
Submitted: A Gecko Named Laura(Why should I tell you?)
38. Actually, I think the Paintball list is more surreal than this one
(... you wake up and find yourself in a monestary, and all they do is
chant "EAT BEEF" all day long... GHAAARGH!)
Submitted: The Impostor(rotsopmI ehT)
39. Hey! I hear you listening! Now cut that out before I roto-till your
weeds into the ground and all you'll do is say "It's not my fault.
Blame it on the pansies. They got me in the morning and then left me
for another window at noon. Do you know what that's
Submitted: TiGar
40. Are you there? Hello? Where am I? Who am I? I can't fight the feeling
anymore... RealAudio sings top-n to me... dream on, I'll be there, I'm
flying...my god, it's full of stars...
Submitted: BigGulp(back@the.helm)
41. I am a fish I am a fish I am a fish.
Submitted: Jinxster
42. Look, it's the Goodyear blimp. And it's made from papier-mache.
Submitted: Jinxster
43. Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q looks more human than Lord Kalhoun I.
(Hey, wait a second...)
Submitted: Jinxster
44. Dangerman dancing a tango with a whole can of the stuff.
Submitted: Jinxster
45. Just Me, the fish, the walrus and the machine that goes 'ping' talking
about the state of the Armenian economy.
Submitted: Jinxster
46. The penguin is playing with a yoyo under the stairs.
Submitted: Jinxster
47. ReedMan wants the yoyo but can't have it or the King of the
Potato-people will take him prisoner.
Submitted: Jinxster
48. I'd like to help him, but Mr Flibble doesn't think I should.
Submitted: Jinxster
49. He says I'd get my feet wet trying to cross the river.
Submitted: Jinxster
50. But The Rat's offered to give me a ride over so I think I'll be OK.
Submitted: Jinxster
51. A Gecko Named Laura is sitting on a cloud, watching the butterflies.
One of them turns into angrywhitemale and starts talking to her. Then
he pushes her off.
Submitted: Jinxster
52. Fortunately Dragonlady catches her and flies her to the fully-grown
oak tree that TiGar has just planted, where she finds The Eternal
meditating on the futility of buying a bread knife when you can just
get sliced bread.
Submitted: Jinxster
53. A flock of the stuff then flies past and lands on the river, where Don
Juan and Bytch feed ducks to it.
Submitted: Jinxster
54. Chris Robin does a fly-past in a harrier jump jet, until Foxbase Alpha
leaps into the back and kisses him passionately. They fall together
into a pit of feathers, until she turns into Dangerman and laughs
helplessly. At this point, lots of blue, spray-painted snowflakes fall
from the sky.
Submitted: Jinxster
55. They're being tipped out of a bucket by a giant orangutang with the
face of Stageh&. When I ask him why he's doing that, he shrugs, says
'Oook' and offers me a banana, which I give to Gecko-Laura to comfort
her for the loss of awm.
Submitted: Jinxster
56. Jinxster and angrywhitemale ride off happily into a bowl of tapioca
while Tec-42 spouts incoherent techno-babble...
Submitted: Bytch
57. The screen slowly melts into your lap, forming the words "I no be
dead", a direct indication that scarves are a device of Satan. Then
you stand up, shout "Eat Beef" while the exploding of your limbs
interferes with the penguin ballet. You apologize profusely, but Mike
Bray insists you log off immediately, due to a libero-conservative
conspiracy, somehow involving the love child of Michael Jackson and
Newt Gingritch.
Submitted: Don Juan(The Top N acid trip)
58. The Gecko Lady wanders down the halls of top-n. She steps over the
aunt's bea's beef the klingon barf vomits on wednesday. She sees
angrywhitemale in a muffin eating the spider
Submitted: A Gecko Named Laura(None)
59. She speaks to him, he rebuffs her and she begins to melt like the
persistance of time painting
Submitted: A Gecko Named Laura(None)
60. She reforms, but she is now a he. It is ReedMan, or what used to be
him. He has metamorphasized into a small spotted gecko. The tail comes
off the third digit on the right from foot. hard to walk so he uses
beeb stick stilts
Submitted: The Gecko From Reed(Somewhere in the pool hall of the
mindless ones)
61. I must find the potatoe...so hard to live without the potatoe to keep
my thoughts in my shoe
Submitted: The Gecko From Reed(Somewhere in the pool hall of the
mindless ones)
62. I take the caffiene pellet and put it directly in my brain to induce
vomiting as Pickles come from the mouths of all the women he has
loved. They are suprised to say the least
Submitted: The Gecko From Reed(Somewhere in the pool hall of the
mindless ones)
63. He metamorphoses again and his origin is no longer clear, but his tail
is. He is everywhere and nowhere, much like heisenbergs cat and the
spam from Jinxsters spam farm in New Jersey.
Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it)
64. So hard to communicate when the vocal cords of the gecko have been
severed...the clowns...i must escape.cannot love the racquet ball
Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it)
65. The science fiction I am so fond of sticking in my armpit knee is in
the arms of Koko the Gorilla.
Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it)
66. The yoyo from entry #45 eludes my grasp as I find the true meaning of
existential angst and expire as my warranty leaves the dimension of
the desk.
Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it)
67. My headache bursts and my thoughts are spewed in green technicolor
among the daffodils.
Submitted: The Spotted Gecko(No, I cant stop it)
68. I am real, Sir!
Submitted: Relian
69. The umbrella is screaming among two-headed pencils. (I just thought
you`d like to know!)
Submitted: Relian
70. Patsy's OM finds a finer key, how quaint. To think that when D-minor
no longer suits us, we can just call on the Gecko. Interspersed with
envy, Rambo B and Dangerman are sent flinging carrots at infinity, but
their loved ones have melted.
Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie)
71. Can they not see!? Chaos breaks loose, and a vowel is used in
construction of the house. FEAR! ALARM! You have been programmed. You
have been deprogrammed. It is just me.
Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie)
72. Loft. Goals of ice. Below. All thoughts are generic. No dawn. When.
Whan. Can one be an imposter, if there is no one else? Lord Kalhoun
has found the shroud, and he knows where the truth lies. He has
discovered when the truth lies, why the truth lies, and at what time
it will eat breakfast. With one big gulp, Jinxster finishes in a
smile.
Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie)
73. Bytch and mohne. Inside, we are all just angry white males, relying on
the passing of elmer's.
Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie)
74. This seems to have fixed it.
Submitted: Tec42(ever so slowly, they lie)
75. "Fukengruven" becomes a mantra for enlightenment.
Submitted: syrup(maple@pancake.com)
76. Steve comes back.
Submitted: syrup(maple@pancake.com)
77. The comet of my mind is all I am, in hurtling endless flight through
passages of colour, as substanceless thoughts, as yet unthought.
Abandoned, detached and more lost than vanished time, I am beyond
alone. Don't call me, I cannot come...
Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum)
78. down on my knees in suburbia...johnny wants to think of a joke...i
have not been to oxford town...earthlings on fire...zane zane zane
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den)
79. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
80. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
81. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
82. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
83. Children trust me.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
84. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I
sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on
vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
85. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights
in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees
at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
86. But you have never been to college.
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in portlan,d Oregon)
87. #77-83: I'll take "Who is Hugh Gallagher?" for $100, Alex.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
88. I did impound the rumanent bovine sir, but he transcended the impannel
of the impound and scatterlophisticated all over the equanimity of the
forest -- so you may yet suffer the animadversions for his eternal
depredations that you sought to avoid, Sir.
Submitted: A. Lincoln
89. Could you repeat the question?
Submitted: A. Lincoln
90. Did someone say surreal!
Submitted: AAZ(saw@ereh)
91. look Dali :})
Submitted: AAZ(saw@ereh)
92. Sir, avoid to sought you that depredations eternal his for
animadversions the seffer yet may you so-- forest the of equanimity
the over all scatterlophisticated and impound the of impanny the
transcended he but sir bovine rumanent the impound did i
Submitted: Backwoards man
93. #84 - It didn't say *original* surreal top-n...
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
94. Listen as the wind blows, from across the great divide.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
95. Noam Chomsky has a weird idea of Hitlerian politics, all stemming from
the unfortunate steel barge incident when he was 23.
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
96. No doubt but ye are the people, and wisdom shall die with you...
Submitted: Túrin(Mormegil@Nargothrond.gov)
97. You people are scaring the hell out of me. You sound like a Calvin
Klein commercial.
Submitted: The Showman(I'm baaack!)
98. I had a little chicken that would. not. lay. an egg. So I did pour hot
water up and down its leg. And the little chicken laid, and the little
chicken laid, Oh yes, the little chicken laid a hard boiled egg. Match
to the the gas tank. No gas.
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in Portlan,d OReogn)
99. Even under scrupulous supervision, Jinxter gestates generically while
Super-Ravens chortle heavily behind the corner of the gnome.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
100. Verily, he has known himself to be gotten by the waves of passion
underneath miles of polar ice caps which hinder nine ferocious platypi
by wars and pestilence.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
101. Never but once more likely than now to your sips of water taken, which
were and are and forever shall be mine.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
102. Gesticulating and flatulating wildly, TweedMan roves in the swamp,
devouring the giant butter churns which fly about his head.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
103. "Yonder rosebush appears distraught", said I, and quickly ran to
conceal myself from its hideous visage. It glared at me through the
bricks... I could see it in my thoughts!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
104. Suddenly a vision fair appeared before my eyes: a squadron of operatic
Norsemen came to plunder the fields and soil the living-room carpets.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
105. As I observed their primitive rituals of bathing and conjugal
concupiscence, they metamorphosed into such various flora as white
pines and Venus' flytraps, which promptly vanished betwixt the closing
curtains.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
106. "And now I shall resume the shape which thou dost think I have shaken
off forever!" came the cry, from whence I still know not... but just
before I tied the knot I noticed not one, not three, but five small
asps slithering slowly towards me.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
107. "Come with us!" said the diminutive serpents, and I stepped on two
before the others ate me. I was now in three, which seemed quite
natural, and through their eyes saw I the likes of ye.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
108. "Grace be with you, friends," the king cried out to all. Terrible his
majesty seemed to me, but a gentle resident of the hinterlands
assuaged my guilt by pointing out that I was above the guillotine's
sharp blade.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
109. "Drop! Drop the instrument of death!" I cried, and the severed
victim's head spoke thus: "Thou wilt never find peace till thou also
taste the sting of death." At this I wondered, for certainly the
Dragons would mitigate his curse with their blessing upon
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
110. Whilst the comb of bees' paradise remains empty, remain I must to
appraise thee of Tales of Wonder and Terror, such that no one's knees
might go unshaken here today.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
111. But, hark! Hear not the bumbling of the hive? Subvert the natural
order of things hereafter, and thereby witless traipse into the
twilight. For shall I not return?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
112. Yea, even as the zephyrs bid me home, Luna shall once again her silver
harp begin to play; and as I view this final time the image of the
darkened hills, the very trees despair of me to leave. But leave I
must.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
113. Brav-O! Abso-fucking-lutely fan-fucking-tastic!
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in Portland, Roegon)
114. #97-110 : What the hell are they putting in the water at Hillsdale? I
want some!
Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum)
115. Yes, yes! 'Twas indeed note worthy cyber-surreality. Two excellent
entries. More, more!
Submitted: StageH&
116. You liked it? You really, actually liked it? Oh, yes! The water. A
gruesome sight, it is: full of iron, copper, other vile and uncouth
minerals, and a substance designated by the Supreme Overmind as
Y7-PPB-X.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
117. Hello again, my nubile and desolate friends. Perchance my feeble
intellect shall amuse you once again with visions of the surreal
nightscape.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
118. Normally, the haystacks glittered in the sun, but flaking off they
hide from the beastly ducks who pilfer tiny morsels from the Maw of
Evil.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
119. Gently they were bobbing along towards the jagged horizon, when of a
sudden the vicious gale containing the vast collection of undead souls
arose and smote them all.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
120. "Ghastly!" said the bear as he lay back to hibernate in his warm, dark
cave. "They really ought to have turned left and avoided the whole
thing."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
121. As the bear drifted off at last to sweet somnolence, he dissolved into
eighty-four small shards of emerald, which in their turn began
throwing a nice little rave party.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
122. Long into the night they raved, the primitive techno beat swaying in
the breeze. The nebulous haze from their ignited cannabis provided an
appropriate breeding ground for the needle-nosed pliers.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
123. What could their mongrel offspring be but a tired catch phrase, which
terrorized the emerald shards -- the party was over. I sat back from
my telescope and pondered the meaning of all this.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
124. Violently, the asphalt parted at the next command of this despicable
creature, meant for the fiery torture of Hell but for this moment set
loose upon the outskirts of Detroit by a quite understandable mistake.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
125. All vanished in a flash of crimson, and as the mushroom cloud arose
another blood-red light appeared in the sky; this time a giant eye
surveying the ruins of the land.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
126. Maniacal laughter emanated from the apparition, and it blinked once
and fell to the earth, which was kind of disgusting because it
splattered.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
127. Everywhere the drops of sloshy fluid landed sprang a tree of pears,
but each pear had wings and took off flying into the vast interior of
the hollow moon.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
128. There they learned the secret arts of numbers, and returned in
vengeance to the Earth which spawned them. Until this very moment
suspended by their wings, they plummeted and drowned in the ocean.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
129. Their corpses were devoured by creatures of the deep, so vast and
black as to defy the imagination. Closer it came to land, whereupon it
was sighted and praised.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
130. The nearsighted beggar was the first to be digested by the sable
creature, but others soon followed as its rampage of hunger quickly
emptied the metropolis of its residents.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
131. The twisted creature now had the run of the town, but the city council
voted to dissolve it and it was done.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
132. Out stepped the numberless horde which the beast had swallowed, and
gave it up for the city council, which voted to applaud itself, and it
was done.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
133. "Can no one show me something new?" I cried, for as familiar as the
sunrise was this happenstance to me. But alas, it was not to be.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
134. For as the many times before, quite unaffected by the passage of time,
came the one and only glove of the Hamburger Helper, cheerily
endorsing the heartless slaughter of beeves.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
135. At this I fainted dead away, and hours later I awoke to see a strange
new world which had apparently formed itself from Tinkertoys and
oyster crackers.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
136. Carefully avoiding the crunchy tidbits, I walked on the fragile wooden
path towards the only building in sight: a glorious castle made of red
and green glass partially covered with French onion dip.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
137. "What riches lieth in such a palace?" I wondered in amazement, as the
spongy drawbridge lowered itself and shouted a merry "Tally-ho, good
stranger!"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
138. I replied in like good spirits, and was proffered a tract proclaiming
the owner of the majestic mansion to be none other than Doodly P.
Ramaswami.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
139. At this I started, for rumor has it this Ramaswami fellow once began
to yodel uncontrollably whilst gargling peanut butter. I thought
better of entering.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
140. Wearily I trudged on for miles, without sight of man nor beast. Hours
later I reencountered the castle, though it was now strangely
upside-down.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
141. This time the friendly drawbridge insisted that I enter and pay homage
to his beloved master, so I reluctantly assented and resigned myself
to hearing uninterrupted platitudes for the next several hours.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
142. Strangely, once I entered the castle it seemed right-way up again, and
though the clouds of memory obscure it somewhat I distinctly remember
a fountain pen skittering along the corridor.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
143. I had a nice refreshing walk in the sunshine of the labyrinthine
hallway, but soon I came upon a simple but large mailbox, which I
presumed to be the main audience chamber.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
144. I knocked once or twice, and the hatch melted away in an impressive
visual display of pyrotechnics. I entered.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
145. My eyes were immediately assaulted by the sight of Ramaswami, who (to
my amazement) had unergone a quantum shift and become a 1964 Cadillac
convertible. I walked over and turned the key so I might speak with
him.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
146. Out of the glove box came his supple voice: "Welcome, friend; or
succulent morsel as the case may be. But I see you are no mere snack!
Come then, what is your business?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
147. As I began to explain my unenviable predicament, he slowly resumed
humanoid form and then further shifted to become a roll of paper
towels and, finally, back to human shape.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
148. I continued: "And then this pen flew past in the hall..." at which
point he broke in upon my monologue and proclaimed that the Tinkertoy
world will now become as one with the world we inhabit, as declared in
prophecy long ago.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
149. I woke up then, back in my sparsely decorated apartment for the time
being, and resumed my watchfulness with the telescope.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
150. "Durst thou to spy upon the neighboring lands?" inquired Ramaswami,
who had journeyed back with me. "Quite simply," I replied, "I can't
afford cable."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
151. "This new world confuses me," quoth he, "and I care not for its lack
of quality entertainment." I quietly agreed and offered him a view
from the telescope, which in his eagerness he then tripped over.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
152. "Art thou injured?" I hurriedly asked, for insurance can be rather
pricey. "Nay," he answered, "more scared than hurt -- but for the fact
that I shall die shortly from the glass imbedded in my skull."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
153. I looked to the left, I looked to the right, and hurriedly heaved the
corpse-in-process out the window, where it briefly took the form of an
electrical socket and vanished.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
154. I comforted myself by shaving the armchair again (I wish I could
control myself!), but soon everything returned to normal and I
unplugged the razor.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
155. "Good God, what ARE you doing?" came a voice, which I immediately
recognized as Aunt Hilda, who's been dead these twenty years. The
disembodied voice continued, "You know better than to use electrical
appliances underwater!"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
156. For indeed my apartment was now flooded, and I become a fish. How
smooth was the water against my scales; how sensual the rhythmic
sqirming of the worm I beheld aside the newly-shorn armchair.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
157. Greedily I became the worm's bane as I devoured its flesh, and the
hook I had not seen dragged me heavenward -- I was now the prey of
some superior predator!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
158. As I breached the surface of the crystal sea, I began to suffocate in
the rarefied air, but as I fell to unconsciousness I heard a voice
say, "Damn! It's too small; we'll have to throw it back."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
159. Once again the waters parted and I fell through, though now returned
to human form, and I splashed about. In doing so I attracted the
attention of a great fish, who swallowed me whole. But inside the fish
I found I was again in Ramaswami's castle.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
160. To myself I mused, "Apparently, this place is a central node of some
kind; a common element in all my experiences, tying and weaving them
together like a giant tapestry hung on the wall by Sticky-Tak."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
161. The tapestry's weight overpowered the attaching putty and it crashed
to the floor, kicking up large amounts of dust, as the maids hadn't
been in for a fortnight.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
162. I believe I died that day, but there is always room for doubt in this
surreality I call my home.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
163. Perhaps I shall return again soon, the more to vex you with my
disturbing hallucinations. But for now, I bid adieu.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
164. #77 - #83 - That sounds like Martha Stewart's life story, even though
it's just a list that's been floating around the Net for upwards of a
year
Submitted: Just Me
165. Ouch!
Submitted: The Impostor
166. Lord Kalhoun I, you have WAY too much time on your hands!
Submitted: The Impostor
167. #162 Supposedly it's an actual college application essay. Some
renditions say that he actually got into the college too.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
168. #164: What do you mean? Only once and a half did the hour-hand
circumnavigate the chronometer whilst I wrote my myriad entries.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
169. But Whence o lord of Kalhoun, how often did thy metacarpals
circumnavigate thy phallus whilst yonder myriad entries didst thou
typeth?
Submitted: Dudley Muffinhead
170. No Sir, I do not want that duck. I am not a lizard. I am not the
lizard. The fish strikes midnite.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
171. Painting with poodles is regarded as poor practice on the precipices
of the pamplona in primeval paraguay.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
172. Nevertheless we must move on towards the meaning of the past and
findour selves within a birdhouse in our souls.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
173. STELLAAAAAA!
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
174. My god, it's full of guitars! Or is it an oboe?
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
175. #167: Uh... screwest thineself!
Submitted: The Impostor
176. #167: Nay, but rather thou shouldst ask, "How often did Jinxster's
tongue caress thy phallus?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
177. Now THAT was surreal!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
178. Amateurs! Stand back and let the Surreal God extend the boundaries of
thy imaginations.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
179. Quietly the deck shuffled itself; nevertheless, I put in my two
ampersands. I was dealt a B of pencils, a kumquat of operas, and a
side of beef. Needless to say, I folded.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
180. Which came to good use, for I had recently lost my origami dragon, so
I made several new ones out of the pencils' leads.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
181. Lead poisoning is a terrible thing, so I had unleaded. "Hold it!" I
shouted, for by mistake they were giving me decaffeinated orange
juice.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
182. "Yield to the Powers that Be Not" spake the muzzled mutt, and I
acquiesced, for he was a pit-chihuahua. I beheld not his power
directly, but a sign warned to "Bow to the Bow-Wow".
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
183. I knelt and apologized profusely to the canine lord, who directed me
to the desalinization plant in Saudi Arabia, which had undergone a
Chernobyl-type meltdown.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
184. This had spewed milk and honey across the land, and so the Israelis
immediately claimed it as their own. How governed they the Loch Ness
monster, I'll never know.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
185. "Beasts which crawl upon the air shall weed the sun of its flesh!" I
cried, but they did not understand my plea. Were they hungry or just
befuddled by propaganda?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
186. Turning from the truth for a bit, I happened upon the Grey Ribbon --
an omen of Love and Destruction. Cloyly, I hit it in my jerkin and
awaited the condemnation of the West Wind's phlegm.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
187. It never came. Violently I raged against the numbers two and seven,
and the letter R. A roll of duct tape comforted me in my bliss.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
188. As the roofing tar attacked Betelguese, I looked on, dumbfounded in
wonder. I laid down the unfinished ball of adhesives and stared in
abject logic.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
189. "Asterisk! Asterisk! They all fall down!" came the news of
Betelguese's stellar victory. "Persona non grata, et e pluribus unum
in amor," I sighed, relieved. The undulating thimbles could now find
rest.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
190. Gloating, the Cyclops rubbed his alcohol and guzzled the
heebie-jeebies in tune to the massive cliff. He noticed not the
gurgling bowels of the shore.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
191. Mr. Sharky adjusted his aqua-green toupée, and worked my lap computer
as if his presence really had some kind of worth.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
192. The one-eyed giant, now a geriatric octogenarian, heaved his heavy
bulk up the power cord, bringing a deflated suitcase and a baseball
mitt along for the ride.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
193. Œdipus himself would have seen what lay in wait, but he wasn't there
until it was too late. The cord undid, and the giant fell beneath the
crashing surf.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
194. A mortal blow, that was to the surf... knowing full well that guests,
meanwhile, parked in his thorax and lopped off his sternum.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
195. Hourly chimed the Guernsey's bell, amidst the roiling voltage of the
tangled fence, but no one heeded her call as she became a large, dry
pot-roast. Without carrots.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
196. The waffles clapped, the Eiffel bent, and the whiffle ball did sing.
"Neener!" called the goat's tin can as winter changed to spring.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
197. Hold the candles, one by one, and eat them 'fore they melt! Under,
over, inside-out, the Mobius donned his belt.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
198. Handkerchieves on bended knees have mucus, plegm and snot. I perceive
that house's eaves have gone and tied in knots.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
199. Fender benders, ice-cream blenders; neither fancy I. Ere the vendor
shows his splendor, I am throwing pies.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
200. Like the flies and thin red guys, the pies I throw are stale. Naught
but lies the art form buys, but, still, that finds me ale.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
201. On the dot the thin robot descended to the core. Until he got a lot of
pot, his mind could not have soared.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
202. Now I enter two-oh-oh, a number fine and good. If liked you not my
little poem, your head is made of wood.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Sir Real of Top-N)
203. "Carpe! Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero." said the old
greybeard. "You cannot know where you will go if you don't know where
you come from!" he said with ancient voice, husky with years of
falsetto background singing.
Submitted: StageH&
204. "That's the trouble with youth in America," he continued. "Not at all
like youth in Asia -- they have a real understanding of the elderly."
He paused briefly to take a deep sip from his tea cup which seemed to
be held together by a thick coating of Earl Grey stains. "You never
call and ask anything; you never visit to say, 'So, how now old
father; old son; old sock; warm coat; great godfather; young for your
generation'
Submitted: StageH&
205. Now he seemed to remember some other time, in some other place, with
some other person; the brightness of his eye and color in his cheek
seemed to pale as his speech slurred and he began to ramble. I
saddened in unison with him. Our mood so enwrapped each other it was
not unlike a George Crumm duet for amplified piano and soprano. We
wept, we coughed, we held each other, and finally we sighed and drank
deeply from the same tea cup. I wiped his face with my sleeve. He
gazed into my eyes in a way that made me feel he was trying to impart
some powerful message by injection.
Submitted: StageH&
206. "So tell me old grandfather; old wise ancestor; guide me to my future;
forget about youth in Asia and tell me the message you hold so dear;
for I have come to recognize my oversights and underestimation of your
power; please tell me -- where do I come from?"
Submitted: StageH&
207. The old man straightened up in his chair and leaned forward as though
to whisper the secret of the ages, "I," he said, "I," he repeated, "I
think you come from Cleveland." He drifted off, "maybe Altoona." He
slept. I put out the cat, switched off the water heater and went back
to my RV.
Submitted: StageH&
208. ~OUCH!
Submitted: Borfolomew(a.k.a. The Impostor)
209. "What's all this bubbling and churning? You call this a radar screen?"
"No sir, we call it Mr. Coffee" "Uh... yes. Everyone knows I always
have coffee while I watch radar." "OF COURSE WE DO, SIR!"
Submitted: Borfolomew(a.k.a. The Impostor)
210. #201: Carpe! Carpe dogas? Sieze the dog?!?
Submitted: The Impostor
211. I was going to the noun when I saw a middle-aged man with a green
testicle plucking sparrows from the river
Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily)
212. I asked him why he was doing this.He replied "I want my order changed
from the special to the soup."
Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily)
213. He then gave me a car which I ate feverishly.He ran off singing about
lumberjacks.
Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily)
214. I replaced the sparrows with the ones I had in my conservative pocket.
Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily)
215. I blew a sign and went to Aspen,tiddely tiddely ho.
Submitted: Wolfiedelic(I.am@that.place.where.the.dragons.frolic.daily)
216. #174 - #175: I'm suing. The sight of those entries made me spill
Budweiser all over my favourite silk shirt.
Submitted: Jinxster
217. I already have a boyfriend anyway. Any more entries like that and I'll
send him over.
Submitted: Jinxster
218. #214: Why, I... I didn't know you felt that way, Jinx. I mean, I'm
sorry about your shirt and all, but I'm glad to hear you liked my
entries so much that you lost motor functions.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
219. #215: Well, that's going a bit far, don't you think? I think an
alternative to pitching him over a cliff would be to beat him
senseless and leave him for dead on the EDGE of a cliff, perhaps.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
220. #214 I'm suing. The thought of you in a wet shirt made me spill
microbrew on my favorite sweater.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
221. The question is not "to be, or not to be?" but "how or unhow shall the
ghosts of the heart evade my harvesting blade?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2)
222. For thine is the illness, and the hamburger, and the resin pad,
forever and ever and now and anon.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2)
223. Six times struck the van, and as it backed up for another run at me I
managed to stagger out of the way. But as it charged it ran through a
puddle of beer and splashed some on Jinxster.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2)
224. Honey and garlic have I none, but such as I have give I thee. Spoilage
from the bramble patch and a half-composted heap of vegetable matter
can be edible if prepared properly.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2)
225. BLAT! went the horse, for fresh, quality vassals could nowhere be
found. He was comforted by his stash of harmonicas and Mexican jumping
beans, which sang him to sleep.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the [sin(log(*(2)
226. "Dudak!" he shouted. "Dudack!" repeated the old greybeard, corn
pudding dripping from his lips. "He's gone an' bought one of them
pandemoniums out by the meat packing plant!" His agitated gesturing
with his spoon dislodged a steamed baby carrot from the edge of his
his plate where he had carefully placed it in case he needed it in a
hurry. "Gottcha!" he growled, as he slammed his free hand down on the
table over the wayward root. "Thought you were gonna get away,
didn'tcha?" he said with a gap-toothed grin that reminded me of
Roqueford cheese.
Submitted: StageH&
227. "Grandfather!" I said -- he did not respond. "Grandfather!" I said
again with more diaphram, "I prefer my gin with less butter!" But it
was too late. "Old Grandad," I continued, half-rising to clasp his
cuff. "But, it's the very best butter, you know." He had heard after
all. I picked up my mug and sipped the slippery mess as he examined
the orange stain on his palm and its mate on the table. "I told him it
wouldn't work out -- the old fool," continued the hunkering hulk of a
man who was nearly three inches shorter than he had been in the faded
photo from basic training, that hung on the dusty wall over his
shoulder. "He never did listen to me."
Submitted: StageH&
228. "Not when he married that woman, not when he fathered that great lump
of a daughter, whazer name?" "Homerlene," I opined. "Yeah, Homerlene.
Homerlene Dudak ... she was a Boyle on her mother's side ya know?" I
tried to answer but he continued. "He never paid me no mind not even
when he was domino coach at the center." He began stabbing his spoon
at the porkchop he had smothered with kimchee and took another sip
from the bud vase he mistook for his toddy.
Submitted: StageH&
229. "Damn thing's cold," he mumbled. "Let me help you," I offered but he
elbowed me aside and continued, kimchee stuck between his teeth, "I
told him he wouldn't like the sounds of the slaughter, the smell of
the gluepot, or the rumble of the gut wagon." "Oh, Grandad. Please!" I
pleaded. But he shot me that look again and I took another mouthful of
buttered gin. "I asked Dudak" he said -- "I begged Dudak!" he shouted.
"I threatened Dudak! But it was no good." He seemed to calm slightly
in a moment of dispair and depression. "I could not eschew him ... he
replaced the damask cloth on the playing tables with plastic." I
looked for a piece of furnature where I could hide, but once again he
saw me and glared at me and made a ball of his fingers which he shook
in my direction.
Submitted: StageH&
230. "'Dudak, you old bastard!' I said to him.'" he said, quoting himself.
"'Dudak, you old bastard! I said to him.'" he requoted himself. "Don't
you ever think of defeat?" He paused as though awaiting some query
from me. We sat there for several seconds looking at each other.
Finally, as I drew a breath to speak ... "NAW! he blurted. "'NAW!'
said Dudak," he quoted with sarcasm dripping from the kimchee in his
teeth. "It ain't defeat! It's dehands! HHHHAAAA HAAAAA HHHHHAAAAAAA."
He finally passed out. I scrapped the dishes and stacked them in cold
water in the sink. Took a wet sponge to the cat, she didn't like it.
Turned off the water heater and went back to my RV.
Submitted: StageH&
231. #217: I do that to him anyway. He LOVES it when I get rough. Could you
take that sort of treatment, Kalhoun?
Submitted: Jinxster
232. #216: Stop twisting my words. I'm the law student here! Actually, the
mere thought of the two of us being an item gives me dry heaves and
cold shivers. I would rather date angrywhitemale than you.
Submitted: Jinxster
233. #230 Goodness! Such cruel words from the gothic mistress. She does not
lie in speaking of her grieviously poor social skills.
Submitted: Nür Mich
234. CHUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted: THE GREAT CHUCKHOLIO(member of
CHUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
235. #229: your boyfriend must be a wuss. why don't you dump that loser
date a real man like me
Submitted: angrywhitemale
236. #233: You're so cute! I just love the way your voice squeaks when you
lisp 'why don't you date a weal man?' I'm going to miss that when your
voice breaks. Not to mention that cute little baby face getting all
stubbly.
Submitted: Jinxster
237. I told him to put down that small spotted gecko, but dangerman would
not listen. Quickley he grabbed the bread from the breadfruit, stuck
the gecko between two slices of beef and swallowed it.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
238. But he would not stop their. He attempted to use the den of the dragon
as a porta-potty but was swiftly foiled by the dark lord satan
arrising out of the mole hole.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
239. Who dares spam the dandelion? He asked. But then a giant animated foot
crushed his skull, the animator had a heart attack and all was
peaceful in the land of nod.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
240. #234: I think you meant 'slobbery' or 'snotty' or something. 'Stubbly'
implies at least puberty.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2)
241. *I* dare spam the dandelion, and the hundredfold company of snorkeling
breath mints besides. Forget not the plan to drizzle upon the summit!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2)
242. Ergo, the intolerable fluid shall glop and goo down the folds and
cracks of the mount, taking with it all the flannel crop and the herd
of alpine snow-sloths.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2)
243. "JANK!" I furiously shouted in sorrow and frustration as the erstwhile
numinous thunderhead spewed forth a fine mist of liquid nitrogen and
some mixture of what could only be mercury and Pennzoil.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2)
244. Hastily vented, the stately peak froze in terror and temperature as
the frigid substance o'erwhelmed its innate geothermal tendencies.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun the (¼(23.8585)/(e*2)
245. Bounteous and beauteous lay the grass upon the field, some green as
normal, but some also blue as the sky and even yellow as the snow, for
this is the Colorized Version.
Submitted: I am the Great
Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna)
246. Hunters bronze the woods in search of the Pilfering Poultry, who once
stole some sheet-metal from a grain elevator and thus had it coming.
Submitted: I am the Great
Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna)
247. Some things are forgivable, but this grave offense no apology can
requite. See how the chickens dance in tune to the heavy machine gun
fire!
Submitted: I am the Great
Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna)
248. See how they waltz and macarena to the beat of the hand grenades and
mortar shells, and yet suffer no harm. For they are not only Pilfering
Poultry but Omnipotent Ornithoids!
Submitted: I am the Great
Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna)
249. "Curse the Frolicking Fowl!" shouted the general after he ceased his
fire, "they have ruined everything! Naught remains but to blast the
birds with bagpipes!"
Submitted: I am the Great
Kalhoulio(mayonnaise.distributing.kitchenware@dendrite.dna)
250. Double-time, the platoon donned their earplugs to save them from the
Noise of Belfast which was their ultimate weapon of choice against the
Proud Poultry, who thus far had been demonstrably invulnerable.
Submitted: Käl Michoun(five.six@pick.up.sticks)
251. The piercing blast rent the hills in twain, and the birds began to
slow their dance and eventually stopped. They began to convolute and
effervesce in horror at their own impending deaths.
Submitted: Kalhounlord(@elven.home)
252. The day was won, and there was much rejoicing. TiGar was chosen as the
ritual sacrifice to the War-God Kamarag, and as she burnt alive she
cried in ecstasy, "MORE FLAMES!!"
Submitted: Jinxhoun
253. Thus ends the Semi-Surreal Epic of the Bold Barnyard Fowl and the
long-overdue Torching of TiGar.
Submitted: KalH&
254. Notice how I am surreally mixing my alias with those of others!
Submitted: Lord TiHoun I
255. Methinks this one is the scariest of them all!
Submitted: KalRat(@ARRRGH!)
256. Ooh! Now, this IS an unusual hybrid. Purely mythical in origin, the
AKM (as it is informally known) has been genetically engineered by the
same scientists who gave us SPAM™.
Submitted: angrykalhounmale
257. Oh! So! Thou darest to Spam the Dandelion? But you may brave the
ritual of Spam but can you withstand the might nay the Dante Hellish
Wrath of AUNT BEA'S PICKLES?
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
258. The crown steps back as the two adversaries face one another. The
pickle and the lord. "DILL" shouts out the pickle. Kalhoun winces in
Pain.
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
259. "NEE" he cries. The pickle shows no response. "KOSHER" screams the
pickle. Kalhound is now on his knees. "E-E-elbow" He manages to
whisper
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
260. The pickle bends down and laughs at him. "CRUNCHY" shouts the pickle.
Kalhoun is now writhing on the ground, nearly unconscoius.
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
261. The pickle appeared to have won. He turns his back to gloat to the
crowd. Kalhou staggers to his feet. He has one last weapon left
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
262. The Pickle notices that his foe up. He wrirles and shouts "Aren't you
through yet?" Kalhoun smiles and takes a breath.
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
263. Smirking, he says, "I'm not quite dead yet" The pickle prapares
another onslaught. Before he can say a word, Kalhoun launches his
weapon
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
264. "RUMPLESTILSKIN!!" The mighty cry resounds though the small clearing.
The Pickle is visibly stunned. "NO! No! It cannot be! NEE! NEE, I
SAY!"
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
265. But utterly vanquished, he has no power and thus cannot affect the
Lord. "Now die!" he shouts.
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
266. Defeated, the pickle shouts one last defiance "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" and
explodes in a mist of sky blue waters and blue hearts. Kalhoun has
won.
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
267. The happy crowd thronged around him, all except the dark one. As he
crept off into the shadows, he could be heard to say "He thinks he has
one, ha! I'll be back. Wont he be scared when he must face the
terrible, terrible cacaphony of beef.
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
268. He could also be heard to say "I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok..."
Submitted: Dragonhoun I(@dragons.den)
269. I sat silently medititating upon the meaning of flannel and the reason
for white when black would surely do.
Submitted: TiGar
270. Suddenly there came an unignorable knocking upon my door. Not one to
fight such insistence, I answered and 3 men appeared in my doorway.
Submitted: TiGar
271. "I'm sorry, ma'am, but you've been chosen for sacrifice. Something to
do with some chickens, I believe," said the short one while the 2
taller fellows prepared to forcefully move my being.
Submitted: TiGar
272. "Chickens, you say? Well, I suppose I may as well go. I've nothing
better to do."
Submitted: TiGar
273. So they brought me to the tall altar of Kamarag. My only regret? They
hadn't given me a chance to floss properly for my farewell speech.
Submitted: TiGar
274. Turns out there was to be no farewell speech. Although it was
customary, that nasty fellow Kalhoun was in charge of the day's
rituals, and he never was one for following the normal order of
things.
Submitted: TiGar
275. They placed me on the altar and strip me of what little clothing I had
on (one must always meditate nearly nude). Kalhoun lit the fire with a
grand gesture and cackled as it neared my body.
Submitted: TiGar
276. The flames began to kiss my now-sweaty skin. Sudden, intense pain! But
then, pleasure as I rushed so quickly towards what seemed to be my
end.
Submitted: TiGar
277. "MORE FLAMES!" I cried out. The fuel-bearers were hasty to comply.
Kalhoun was now nearly in a fit of ecstasy as he gazed on my demise in
the white-hot fire.
Submitted: TiGar
278. I felt my body melt away as my soul unfurled and whisperingly wound
its way amidst the smoke to hover atop an ice-covered tree.
Submitted: TiGar
279. Suddenly, the topmost branch upon which I rested came crashing down
upon a Ford truck and into my hands appeared a check for $56 along
with a note that said, "As always, thank you for a job well done. Now
be gone from this place!"
Submitted: TiGar
280. And suddenly I was.
Submitted: TiGar
281. Now I found myself floating above an island covered in a purplish sort
of easter-grass, the kind that gets stuck in the carpet when it falls
out of one's easter basket in the haste to find that last black jelly
bean.
Submitted: TiGar
282. Below me is a creature with a label reading "Psychokow", but it looks
nothing like one. "Impostor!" I cry.
Submitted: TiGar
283. And suddenly it reveals itself to be Bill Gates, founder and CEO of
Tapeworms, Inc. "You have to see that there's a reason why I..." he
begins, but I'll have none of his idiotic excuses.
Submitted: TiGar
284. I start off and am suddenly there- and I wasn't even sure where I
wanted to go.
Submitted: TiGar
285. I am in a room, hovering over a man. He must be a king, or at least a
lord, from the looks of his mighty throne.
Submitted: TiGar
286. He stares silently into space, although his gaze doesn't get far
before it reaches an object- the floor, I think. He wipes a tear from
his eye and begins to wail to himself.
Submitted: TiGar
287. "Oh, what have I done? Fool! Fool! Fool!" He smacks himself on the
forehead as he spits out each word.
Submitted: TiGar
288. "Why could I not have just waited. 'Allow 4 to 6 weeks for the
delivery of your Moses Brand™ Perpetual Flaming Kit.' But can I wait
that long? Noooo. Five weeks and a day and I decide to hold a
sacrifice for Kamarag. And I couldn't help it! I wanted, no,_
Submitted: TiGar
289. _needed_ to flame her. And now it is all over. Well, at least I have
the video."
Submitted: TiGar
290. He slid the tape into the VCR and it began to play. The
techno-disco-fiddle-dirge soundtrack rocked and vibrated the room, the
building, the block, the county.
Submitted: TiGar
291. I floated closer to see the image. Behold, it was me! It was my
burning upon which the man gazed!
Submitted: TiGar
292. Suddenly, I recognized him. Yes, it was that pathetic Kalhoun. "Lord"
he claimed to be, but I knew better. He was merely an enemy of
symmetry, a pathetic excuse for royalty. His "lordship" came from a
Cracker-Jack box and his throne from the Salvation Arm
Submitted: TiGar
293. Pleasure lit his eyes as he watched, and I believe I even saw him
drool a bit.
Submitted: TiGar
294. "Ah, my little sadist, " I whispered, startling him with my
transparent voice.
Submitted: TiGar
295. "What!? who!? where!?" he sputtered, and then," Show thyself to thine
own mighty Lord Kalhoun!"
Submitted: TiGar
296. Unable to comply, I watched as he squirmed with an uncomfortable fear.
Submitted: TiGar
297. "I...I demand it!" he cried futilely. Rather than answer, I rustled
his curtains and hurled a roll of duct tape within inches of his
television.
Submitted: TiGar
298. "My god, I feel like Scrooge, with all his ghosts. But that is
ridiculous! I do not have any dead business partners. You know, I will
never understand why the city would not approve my request for a
massage-parlor license."
Submitted: TiGar
299. He was talking faster and faster, nearing the point of panic.
Submitted: TiGar
300. "Please?" he began to beg, "Just tell me who you are!"
Submitted: TiGar
301. "Alright, I will. See the image before you? See the innocent girl you
enflamed? It is I."
Submitted: TiGar
302. "Oh, is that all?" And he calmly returned to his video.
Submitted: TiGar
303. I, on the other hand, returned to the dust from whence I came. Which
means I find myself now under the bed of His Royal Majesty David
Duchovny.
Submitted: TiGar
304. The cleaning lady hasn't been in for nearly a week now, something to
do with a green card, as I overheard it. So here I lie. I'd tell you
what I have seen, but you wouldn't believe me.
Submitted: TiGar
305. "My brother went ice fishing," he said with that wicked little grin
and knit brow he always had when he told a joke. Determined no to fall
for it again, I remained silent, looking right into his eyes with all
the composure I could bring to bear. "My brother went ice fishing," he
repeated only louder. "Ice fishing?" I heard myself say, against my
will. "Brought home 200 pounds of ice! HAH HAW HHHAAAAWWWW! That's a
good 'un! That's a good 'un!" he choaked and slapped his knee.
Submitted: StageH&
306. ""And what did Aunt Belle do with it Grandad?" I asked since I had
already lost our battle of wills. "HAWWW HHAAAWWWW! She cooked it 'n
they both drowned! HHHAAWWWW HAAWWW HA!" the old greybeard roared. He
had an uncannie ability to remember his dog-eared jokes at the exact
moment when the ancor man utters his action phrase, which, when
missed, leaves the listener lost to the jist of the news item. Missing
jist was the nightly game along with complaining about Cronkite
retiring. "It's not like when Cronkite did it! It's not the news any
more without Cronkite!"
Submitted: StageH&
307. "Yeah," I said trying to imitate his tone, "it's just a history
lesson. HAAWW HHAAAWWW!" I said. "Do you remember Babalon?" he didn't
hear me. I dropped it and turned again to the news. It was a comercial
for some female product "that makes you feel fresh" in your underware.
Submitted: StageH&
308. "Did I ever tell you my mother-in-law's favorite joke? he asked. "She
never did any work her whole life. She just stayed home. Boy, was she
ever ugly," he said as thoughts of ad hominium debates between pots
and kettles stirred in my head. "That was one ugly woman," he
continued. "'N' I'm not just talkin' about her face nor figure. This
'un was a real piece of work."
Submitted: StageH&
309. "What was the joke, Old Sock?" I asked before either one of us could
say something more rude. "Oh! Yeah!" he said. "It was uhm ... what was
it?" he mumbled. "I'm afraid I can't help you," I offered. "Oh yeah!
It wus 'This old broad went to the butcher shop 'n' when did she sez
to the butcher, she sez ... the butcher in the shop ... she sez gimme
12 prok chops 'n' take off all the fat. 'N' the butcher sez 'Yezmam,
which way? HHHAAAWWW, HHAAWWWWWW, HHHAAAWWWWWW, that's a good 'un,
that's a good 'un. I sat there staring at the screen, where there were
dog biscuits. After a few seconds I said, "Make them lean."
"Whajusay?" he said without looking at me. "Ya know boy, I wish you'd
stop interruptin' the news, I can't make out what he's sayin'." I
picked up my harmonica, got a glass of water from the sink and started
out to my RV. On my way across the grass I heard him say, "Babalon?
Idn'at dat Star Trec thing? '... Make it do, Scotty ....'"
Submitted: StageH&
310. It’s the year after the weak moth of May, which may or may not be the
month of your gladiator, and you are smirking at your new mob and not
spoiling macho time slinking about Wholesale College.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
311. Thin one evening, your television brrr-rings and your heater says,
“High I’m coiling, with the Phil’s Pail’s Corsage’s Alimony
Phytoplasm.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
312. How were you this tomorrow?” There it cheats you; you’re made of alum
and the rodents are calling for your rubles to superannuate the
foliage!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
313. “So long!” the Frillsdale Collage Artsy Philosophy is ranting; this
scent will confusingly be puréed out betwixt study cellars and
courageous automatons.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
314. A very springy grouse-full of stipends make billions of phlegm cells
over and under the farce of seventeen Greeks forming Know-Nothing
Hell, as many Stilldull automobiles pass in order to germinate rappers
for the fool.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
315. A very springy grouse-full of stipends make billions of phlegm cells
over and under the farce of seventeen Greeks forming Know-Nothing
Hell, as many Stilldull automobiles pass in order to germinate rappers
for the fool.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
316. This year’s coal has readily Ben-Hur ceded, as the jerks have roiled
in exercise of a 24¢ dust frame, alone and parts, and a later ±16%
flim-flam fends off the peelage.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
317. This is but papal peelage, which may not have been very attentionated
to Rivendell or had a chiding addendum from Chilly Nail, but who
squirmingly leap in Thrillgale’s insolence and its volitional
value-packs and who weren’t about to whelp upland of the n
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
318. Underhill’s intransigence is once of the twain treasons, so the
Phenomenon is extant.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
319. Underhill’s intransigence is once of the twain treasons, so the
Phenomenon is extant.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
320. Now, that should not have happened. But I shall continue.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
321. The Jonathan is a wind instrument, raining puns on the Nickel Alex
Shtromas Livery, the spool’s bludgeon, and four varying clipper ships.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
322. Addenda can matriculate in the woods, like their detonations they use,
and men chase Branch Davidian citizenships such as the John Kalusniak
bile-filled sinking ship or the Phobos Pheces® arresting machine gun
clip.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
323. Ahem, they may also connect thin Donatists to a particle-beam
macadamia deportation or to the Glee Club.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
324. The Python also serves drinks and yelps, “keep the appropriate
touching regulations within the pool!”
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
325. Whittling peppers is not as thankless as lathering; some
announcements, to the contrary, speak with a chary slip and poke
Raisins about their days as Dill Pickles.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
326. It is also a chancy fortune that the bums are ablated over the foam:
the Killdeer eventualities in their urea of the pantry, such as
remissions, burgeon their Shaving Incidents.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
327. Tiny Sulker, Assistant Dildo here at Bill’s Grail and overmind of the
Phudgeathon, is extraneously plussed with the word of this bar’s Tudor
smellers. “It’s pheromones!” he related.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
328. He bent down to a lad, “The millers have done me a Siberian joy. We’re
cooking at one of our blest gears forever at the Phudd-Along.”
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
329. He went on to slay the sunniness of the Phlintstones, deprecated lard
pork, and throughly exposited on the sliding collars.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
330. “We paint a lot of gusto and math on our propellers, and they coin
through with lying hollers,” Minivan said.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
331. The brawlers at the Phill-Em-Up have spat in over 1000 mowers of
forks, I fear, and never shall pundits stop the gist with their
Quetzalcoatal demonstrations.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
332. Juniper bush Ban Smithsonian rasped over 40,000 SAGA Mints™, wiener
Ambulatory Lungfish raked 26,000 leaves, and Sophocles “Nicorette”
Kryptonite rented over 22,000 condominiums.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
333. They were all shepherding to excommunicate this year’s goat, and all
honey that will blanket Nil-Ale voodoos.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
334. Finally we are free of the thraldom of the feminine hygiene products..
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Strikes Back!)
335. I sat on the doorstep.No.I needed to sleep.For the last 20 nights I
have been without sleep."Peanut butter" I mumbled.The horse asked me
why.I ignored him.I needed to be alone.I ran down the
street,footedly."Peanut butter" I repeated,louder than before.A scream
cut the silence.I followed it.There I saw a poor,stricken gecko,laying
broken and scarred in the alleyway."WHY???" I screamed at the world.It
did not answer me."PEANUT BUTTER!!!".I still did not get my wish.I
picked up the twisted body of the gecko,heading North.If I move
quickly enough,I could make it to the graveyard by dawn.The gecko
moved.The horse rejoiced."uuuuhhhhh..." the gecko stirred.Lightning
struck us both.As I lay dying,the words again left my lips...peanut
butter...peanut butter...peanut......butter. I fell silent,as did the
gecko and the horse.
Submitted: Vulf(Vulf@yourdoor)
336. Bevare...bevare...bevare of the big green dragon that sits on your
doorstep.He eats little boys,puppy dog tails and big,fat
snails.Bevare...bevare...bevare...
Submitted: Vulf(Vulf@yourdoor)
337. The entire city is burning.You can see the flames like the inside of a
mad jukebox.Lost boys stalk the street with those jungle markings on
their chests.Barbarians prowl in shadows,their heads rocking with
rodents.Motorcycles reproduce in nocturnal alleys groaning with greasy
pleasure.And they've blown up the YWCA like a giant balloon and sent
it out to sea full of screaming,lovely,lonely girls...
Submitted: Wolfie(wolf@everycorner)
338. As I lay foaming on the ground, I realized that I didn't realize who
Salmon Rushdie was. I crawled to the cellar, where I dove head first
into a pile of cotton. I was instantly transported by helicopter to
Louisinana, where I was the Grand Marshal of the Mardi Gras parade,
despite the objection of President Clinton, who was jealous because I
had inadvertantly bombed Kuwait during lunch the day before.
Submitted: Just Me(Petting the flying sheep as I shatter a fish bowl)
339. I never could come to the realization that corned beef was not the
same as SPAM, but different. SPAM was a completely different thing,
and so were substances known as TREET and SMEAT. I fed SPAM to my dog
one time, shortly before it died. Maybe it was the beanie-weenies I
had mixed it with. Or possibly it was because the dog was all part of
a Libyan plot to take over the world, so I shot it after it "died",
just to make sure it couldn't do anything. But maybe that's what the
Libyan's wanted, for me to shoot it. I'm not sure. I'm going to go
hide in the teepee in my backyard now.
Submitted: Just Me(Petting the flying sheep as I shatter a fish bowl)
340. Can't blink. Eyes wont close. Must find shelter. Half an hour to go.
Time to feed sugar to the cat. Cat wants fish. NO FISH - ONLY SUGAR.
Beat cat with stick. Bash. Bash. Cat mad! Cat sings angry cat songs!
Cat growing bigger bigger bigger! Giant Cat! Look out!
Submitted: Tec42(leem)
341. You wiggle your toes, but they aren't yours. They belong to your
sister. With toe transplants a reality, she has moved on to greater
things... with your toes. Damned permanent nailpolish wont come off
either.
Submitted: Tec42(leem)
342. "How about this one?" I asked, holding up an 18-inch scrap of
two-by-four with a 30 degree angel cut on one end. " Put it on Henry's
pile," said the old greybeard pointing to the heap of jumble that was
to be tossed out when the dumpster was emptied. We had been scrapping
out the hot and dudty workshop for about three hours when, finally, he
took off his particle mask and said, "Let's take a Bud break." "Ah,
yes!" I agreed as I took off my mask and pulled the bandana off my
head and wiped the sweat from my eyes. It was wet enough to make a
litte\le puddle when I wrung it out. I joined him were he sat on the
workbench. He handed me a can of beer as he drained the can in his
other hand. The beer ran down his whiskers from both corners of his
mouth and dripped onto his pants. He never did that inside the house
-- only when he was working in the workshop, or when we went crabbing.
I let the brew run down my throat and let out the obligatory belch.
It's supposed to taste good when you're hot ... it did.
Submitted: StageH&
343. "So, tell me Old Son, are we going to have enough room in here to put
that whole set on it's feet?" He twisted his torso around to grab the
floor plan. I noticed there didn't seem to be the same stiffness he
claimed to suffer last night when he needed my help to take off his
shoe. "Naw, we'll have to do it in littles," he said as he cunsulted
the plan. There was no way I was going to ask what he meant. So he
pretended I did and answered anyway, "A little in here ... a little
out there." He popped the top on another Bud and handed it to me ad
did the same for himself. I matched him gulp and gasp and tossed the
dead soldier in the can bin, "Yesss!" he offered as he held up the
field goal signal.
Submitted: StageH&
344. "What's this business of Henry's pile, Pop?" I asked; "who's Henry?"
"Ah yes, Henry," he said with great satisfaction either from
remembering Henry, or the story, or at getting me to ask. "I had a job
for a while in a nice little theatre in Denver, before I went to
graduate school. "'N' one week during the summer down time we were
doin' some housework, cleanin' and tuning the lights and mendin'
cables and such. When did, Ziska, the costumer wanted some cuttin'
tables with drawers. So I sez I'd do it for her." I watched him
closely because there's as much story in the histrionics as there is
in the speech. He seemed to ba able to see the story unfold in front
of his eyes as he spoke it. " So I go into the costume shop to get
some measurements and Z was there with her assistant." He described
the size and shape of the room and the location of the two women with
a few elegant gestures. "Since it was summer down time they was
sortin' old costumes and makin' new racks and takin' pictures ... I
think she
Submitted: StageH&
345. was makin' a catalogue like a library ... they had some re\aally fancy
old clothes off of some old rich people 'n' such." "Well, any way, the
assistant holds up this little frock 'n' sez 'How 'bout this 'un?' 'N'
Z sez, 'Keep it ... naw, put it on Henry's pile!' So Whasername puts
it on this little pile of stuff," he describes the pile and it's
location by imitating Whasername doing it. " I sez to 'em," he
continued the action as though they were present, "I sez , 'Well,
maybe I'm stupid but what's this Henry's pile?'" He points to the
virtual pile he had created. "'N' she sez to me straight away, 'That's
the stuff we're goin' to throw out." Then he backs up and creates
another virtual pile by surveying it from the ceifloor to the ceiling.
"''N' what's this pile?' I sez ... 'N' she sez right back, 'That's the
stuff we're going to throw out too!'" he quotes her as his body
language shouts out his confusion.
Submitted: StageH&
346. "Well, I may be stupid, but how is it that this pile," he points to
the pantomime big pile, "is the pile you're goin' to throw out and
this pile," as he taps the pantomime short pile, "is Henry's pile
which you say yer gonna toss out but ya just put this frock on it that
yer gonna keep," he says as he holds up an invisible garment and
models with it as though he were about to try it on.
Submitted: StageH&
347. Still holding the Henry's pile frock to his sholders he quotes Z in
voice and demeanor, "'Well,' she sez, 'Henry told us he wanted to see
everything we wanted to throw out, so we're goin' to throw alla that
stuff out,' he, imitating her, pointing to the previously established
high pile, 'and THEN we're gonna show him this pile,'" he/she
indicating the low pile. "''N' that little dress gives him something
to rescue!'" His face reddened as he feigned holding in the explosion
that was to follow and he diliberately placed the invisable frock back
on the virtual Henry's pile. Then, while still bent over, he gives me
a side-wize look and says, " Found a way around the bottle-neck din
she?!"
Submitted: StageH&
348. Later that night, in my RV john, as I rubbed my lats which were sore
from laughing, I wondered how many Greybeard's piles there had been
over the years.
Submitted: StageH&
349. Not so. Eros has yearned for the refuse pile. Handily he dispatches
it. Over my dead body! And under it, too; I'm all over the place. I
think he's even between me.
Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K
350. Kill the plates. Kill them, before it's too late. They're growing and
molding, and bumble-wasps can't stop them. Fold the trees in half.
Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K
351. Glue them to the water pipes, then pop them open like Doberman
pinschers. Uncle Herbert was treading water when the vision came. It
showed him a city made of chicken wire.
Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K
352. Vociferously he treatised upon its greatness and splendor, and was
struck mute by its lollipop guild. Mangled prose stumbled down the
sidewalk cafŽ.
Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K
353. Wrestle not against xylophones and liquid refreshments, for these two
together are dynamite! Heed thou my words, my son, and live long and
phosphoresce.
Submitted: Iord Lalhoun K
354. Jive with the vibe, go with the blow. Drop into a vat of Rottweilers'
tails a bin of taffy and snuff, and to your surprise you will find
pogo sticks.
Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I
355. Cloudy could the sky, heavy had the wind. Wavy would the lake, and
namby-pamby naught the night. Bouncing gets old after several failed
attempts at levity.
Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I
356. Serfs hurt just after planting houses lovingly restored by Bob Vila,
however they might crochet their torrential overcoats. Yet they
politely assent to my ramblings on.
Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I
357. Basting the grand harmonic resonance in horseradish, old Jones
whittled his tongue on a YŸder knife and gave it permission to drive
the zamboni. The tongue, not the knife.
Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I
358. Thereby and wherefore and heretofore, once by chance and the rest by
freakish coincidence, I lent my burlap sacks to him who steals them
away under cover of darkness and UV-B light.
Submitted: Lard Kolhoun I
359. 100 hurdles of deer on the wall, 100 puddles of fear -- take one down
and pass it around, 99 rattles of gears on the Paul.
Submitted: Bored Kalhoun I
360. Click fast the rowing team to the head of the runny opinions,
meanwhile glide round the harbor voting thy unholy-dressed nothingness
across the cheese sauce.
Submitted: Bored Kalhoun I
361. Jilted by humming peas, even the gnat's underwear failed to position
him correctly while the cracking of the greens startled him.
Submitted: Bored Kalhoun I
362. "Mole! Mole!" bought the terminal termite. Mount Kalhoun is a dormant
volcano. Until such time as I trounce the illiterate masses I shall
thread the victuals carefully. So as to avoid revulsion, you
understand.
Submitted: Bored Kalhoun I
363. "Mount Kalhoun?" Hummm! Rowdy, rowdy, rowdy!
Submitted: Kinkmeister
364. "Mount Kalhoun?" !Not until he cleans up all of that magma!
Submitted: Delta de Bruce
365. "Mount Kalhoun?" I get it. I get it. It's a pun on the noun and the
verb form of the English word "Mount." I get it. Oh, my that could be
considered quite rude, could it not?
Submitted: Lucy @gov.docs
366. "Kit! Kit! Kit!" he shouted, imitating the audience. "They been
sittin' there for three hours atchin' all these little girls do their
schtick," he explained, "'n' they still wanted to see Kit out on
stage!" I had no idea who "Kit" was but, I knew better than to
interrupt him. It didn't seem to matter to him that I had not been
present for the first five minutes of his story. He just picked up in
the middle of a story he had told someone else; some other time; some
other place. I resisted calling roll to see which one of us was still
absent.
Submitted: StageH&
367. "Kit was somewhere in the theatre," he continued. "Probably in the box
office countin' cash and arguin' with the house manager over the
headcount," he said with his usual anger-edged tone. "She already got
her tuition from 'em, 'n' ad money for the program. 'n' costume money,
'n' alla the girls sold tickets, 'n' NOBODY! got a comp ticket!" he
said as he counted off each item on his fingers. "Big damn showgirl
rip-off! Not one of 'em'll ever get into show business!" he virtually
spat the words.
Submitted: StageH&
368. "Anyway, this one group of 'em was on stage in their tights which were
too tight," his face took on his wicked little joke-grin. "This class
of porkers, in their tutus 'n' too-tight tights," he reiterated his
favorite part, "they must have auditioned by climbin' on a scale," he
said, patting his well-padded belly. "N Kit, her-own-self shows up
backstage, down right 'n' walks right up to the sightline 'n' stands
ther right in front of me in the wings, bold as can be, lookin' at the
stage." Finally, I begin to picture the event.
Submitted: StageH&
369. "She watches this group of walrus-ettes tippy-toein' around in a
kind-of blubber-ballet," he dempnstrates, pulling up the cuffs of his
bib-overalls high enough to see his white socks over his steel-toe
work boots. "After perusin' this opus for a few seconds, she turns
around 'n' sez ... right in my face, like she wuz tryin' to talk over
the mouth-piece of my headset ... she sez, 'Have you ever in your life
seen so much meat without any potatoes?'"
Submitted: StageH&
370. After I sat up from where I had fallen on the floor and got some
vision back, I saw, through my tears, old greybeard -- hands-on-knees,
standing over me. "I nearly peed in my pants tryin' not to laugh out
loud," he said, trying to top my gale of laughter.
Submitted: StageH&
371. "'At's OK, Pop!" I managed to croak out, "I think I just took care of
that for you."
Submitted: StageH&
372. He laughed.
Submitted: StageH&
373. Then once were a stuffed bearnik nomered Pooh, whom often knowledged
not which to do. So he paid a visited to comrade Rabbitski, why living
around the bends -- and Pooh eaten all his honey and viscous
substances.
Submitted: Lord Halkoun I
374. Therefore Piglet at showed up there, and Poohnik ceasing eat from his
dinner. "Greetings, comrade!" said the bare, "Long live the Kremlin!"
And he invitationals Piglet to toasted the destructionizing of
capitalism.
Submitted: Lord Halkoun I
375. Now Rabbitski, the capitalist swine, wanting rid his domicile of these
guests. He tolds them to go, "And ceasing eaten my private property!"
For he was evilly individual.
Submitted: Lord Halkoun I
376. Now Poohnik looked at Rabbitski in blame, for because he must to shame
Rabbitski's uncollectivism attitude just for Poohnik's friendly
consuming behaviors. Poohnik not did meant to drain the resources.
Submitted: Lord Halkoun I
377. "Rabbitski," the enstuffed bearnik vocaled, "Take merciful on Little
Pigovitch. I sacrificial myselfing am; to preserveling the gooder
great, I will going taken a short nap."
Submitted: Lord Halkoun I
378. Rabbitski had the appall to further condemning himself by instruct,
"Not the front door you are taken, because I am evilly and wanting to
make usage of it in the way me seeing best, and when you are stucked
there I cannot."
Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni
379. Now Czar Robin came by on his walk to comforted the masses. Look at
his glories as he managers this respectable republic. Close by was
comrade Eeyorachev, with a polish on his baldening head, and his
birthmarkings of leader.
Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni
380. "Greetings, comrades!" said Poohnik to the parade, "How is the battles
against capitalism fare?" And Eeyorachev replying, "They spending more
than us can; that devil Reagan has ruining EVERYTHING!"
Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni
381. Rabbitski had the appall to further condemning himself by instruct,
"Not the front door you are taken, because I am evilly and wanting to
make usage of it in the way me seeing best, and when you are stucked
there I cannot."
Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni
382. Now Czar Robin came by on his walk to comforted the masses. Look at
his glories as he managers this respectable republic. Close by was
comrade Eeyorachev, with a polish on his baldening head, and his
birthmarkings of leader.
Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni
383. "Greetings, comrades!" said Poohnik to the parade, "How is the battles
against capitalism fare?" And Eeyorachev replying, "They spending more
than us can; that devil Reagan has ruining EVERYTHING!"
Submitted: Kord Hallou Ni
384. This list *almost* makes sense at 3:30 AM when you have jet lag.
Submitted: The Impostor
385. OK, I think this list is past its useful days.
Submitted: The Impostor
386. #383 : ...but at least it's a little more intellectual than the
paintball list, is it not...
Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum)
387. I think it's quiet refreshing. Especially because there is a noteable
absence of beef, chuck, ground beef, ground chuck, ground hogs, and
other Top-N refuse.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
388. He pulled his Ng Mark II from its holster. Flipping a 30 round
magazine from his belt, he slapped the clip into place. It clicked
most satisfyingly and he grinned and waited. A full load of ammo
waited for the next person to walk through the door. He gulped down
the remainder of the river water in his canteen, a flash of anxiety
darting through his mind. He'd need more -- the commies had
fluoridated the local drinking supply, and if he was going to keep his
thoughts clear, he would be avoiding tap water like the plague. RAP
RAP RAP - a sudden knock at the door. He froze, then slowly leveled
his weapon. A jingle of keys sounded through the door and someone
announced, 'Honey. I'm home'...
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
389. And now for something completely different...
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
390. #387 : The ultimate in surrealism? Two days of silence? Even Dali
wasn't that creative...
Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum)
391. #388: Didn't Phillip Glass write a piece for piano called '4:07' or
something that had no notes played?
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
392. I ate the transom before the fish came in, then Lord Graves saw the
pond-newt. Along the side of the top, an angry dust-bunny flexed her
fine, long proboscis, and grinned sheepishly at the goat. Outside, a
hard Buick crashed the market place, then out popped the red-headed
doctor. "Who's for pizza?", snarled the young platypus.
Submitted: F/L Canuck, RCAF(cf501@redrum.redrum.spong)
393. Timm materialized on the screen. He then looked at me. "Feeb" he said.
"what?" i said. "FEEB" he said. He then turned around and walked away.
Later, Timm reappeared. He held a steak in one hand and
angrywhitemale's head in the other. "FEEB TAE" he shouted. I then
reached in the screen and took angrywhitemale's head and ate it. "FEEB
TAE" he said. he then dematerialized. From the depths of my bowels
came a strange noise, one I had never heard before. "Eat Beef"
Submitted: Death Lord of Guzinaguelia
394. A blur on the negative spawns tabloid speculation on starships
trailing comets. We give up our selves, castrated, pack a bag, grab a
pocketful of quaters and a passport, put on Nikes, and drink poision.
Oops! miscommunication! Where's that Mothership?
Submitted: Skeezix
395. When buckets fly over teepee, then running bison will swim with
grazing moose.
Submitted: Flowerchild
396. "Twas brillig, and the slithey toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogroves, and the momerathes outgrabe!" The
Cheshire Cat smugly grinned at the Doormouse, which was clamly
munching on the Mad Hatters plate. "Where does the twinkling bat come
in?" questioned the Doormouse.
Submitted: Flowerchild
397. Affronted, the Cheshire Cat momentarily lost his smile, causing him to
dissolve into a puddle of goo, which seeped into the ground, and
eventually, over thousands of years, turned into amber. But that's not
part of our song.
Submitted: Flowerchild
398. The doormouse licked his nose, then looked to the sky and plaintively
questioned, "Are we there yet?"
Submitted: Flowerchild
399. "Quiet!" thundered the Queen of Hearts. She would have chopped off his
head, but her eyes were not too good, and he was very small, so she
never found him. However, she did find a starfish, and spent the rest
of her remaining days trying to figure out exactly where its head was.
Submitted: Flowerchild
400. Meanwhile, the Doormouse was eaten by the crumbs of the plate. It's a
terrible thing, but in this world, it's eat or be eaten.
Submitted: Flowerchild
401. Through a strange twist of fate, an airplane switched places in
dimensions with the seven dwarfs. Snow White switched places with an
eel in the Amazon, and was promptly devoured by a school of angry
blenders.
Submitted: Flowerchild
402. Sparrows flew out of the March Hare's tea cup, while he danced atop a
pot roast and shouted "Y-M-C-A!" to the listening refrigerators.
Submitted: Flowerchild
403. Batman kissed a butterfly, and they both turned into Superman. To this
day, they are still fighting over who is who.
Submitted: Flowerchild
404. Radios all over the world started blasting I Want Your Sex by George
Michael, which was interrupted by a message from the dolphins, which
ran thusly: "So long, and thanks for all the fish."
Submitted: Flowerchild
405. You have stepped through a door into another dimension. A place where
the body is immaterial, the mind warped and beef is Good. Say forwell
to your soul, for you have entered: The Top-N Zone. (doo-doo doo-doo
doo-doo doo-doo)
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
406. There is no escape...no escape...no escape... and now, if you'll
excuse me, I have to go do my dance of trigonometry in the rain.
Submitted: Flowerchild
407. I looked upon the muddy roadsign.The left path led to
happiness,riches,peace and pleasure.The right path led to
misery,dispair and almost certain death.Being no fool,I chose the
right path.That's right as in the one on the right side.Not to say it
was the wrong path,it just was the one on the right.That not
necessarily the correct path...
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
408. GET ON WITH IT
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
409. ...anyway,down the path I saw a small gypsy cart,bedecked in the
finest of ricepaper,blocking the way.Inside was an old gypsy
woman,covered with jewelry.She spoke of fame,fortune and McDonalds.
"What is my future in paper clips" I asked her, "so I might know when
to sell them."
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
410. "You cannot sell paper clips" she advised me "It's nearly tea time.
Care for a scone ?" I answered her with "no,thank you,I'm allergic to
mustard." She nodded wisely and produced a scroll,stating that I was
to be king of the land every second weekend of a leap year.Paying my
two paperclips,I left for the road yet again.Moss covered my existance
as I waded through the swamp of tears.Suddenly: a noise.The noise was
all around me.It was like footsteps. Fear overtook me.A tall and
sinister creature leapt out of the fog and cried: "BEEF!" I crouced in
pain.It continued..."WE ARE THE NIGHTS WHO SAY BEEF,KEEPERS OF THE
SACRED TIMM."
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
411. I swiftly signalled 'up yours' at the creature,who once again
assaulted me.
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
412. "EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!
EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF! EAT BEEF!"
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
413. "Enough!" I cried. "To appease us," said the vile creature, "we want
you to give us...Draonlord's head on a plate !" "No." I stated. "Aw
please?" the entity pleaded. "No." I repeated. "How about Dragonlady?"
"Nope." "Jinxster?" "uh-uh." "TiGar?" "Not a chance." "Nur Mich?"
"No." "What about Reedman?" "No." "Gonads?" "Naw." "uhh...Rat??!?"
"No." "Kalhoun?" "Hmmm...maybe...no." "Pick one of the aliens???"
"No." "ChAoS?" "No."
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
414. "Very well.For your refusal,you shall be turned into angrywhitmale."
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
415. I screamed...AAAAAAARHGHHHHHGHGH!!!!!...I felt the curse working
already i was feeling strange.jinxster.i need jinxster...No! must
fight it!...jinxster...Got to...jinxster...keep...jinxster...Control!
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
416. "The spell is highly unstable," the horrible monster chuckled, "you
shall be transforming into the Top-Nners for the rest of your
life!HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" it bounded off into the
mist.Sometime,somewhere,an impostor shouted "hey,that's my job!." ...
i felt myself ChAnGiNg AgAiN...YeSsSsSsS!!! i Am EnTrOpY!!! i Am ThE
bReAcKdOwN oF aLl ReAsOn On ToP-n!!!No...highly UnStAbLe...chaNging
Again...Ahh...suddenly I felt the power of a dragon run through
my...WINGS??
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
417. I had become Dragonlord.Nooooo!!!!!! To my left,the old gypsy woman
appeared."I have the counterspell...it will cost you 3 paperclips" she
preached.I grabbed the liquid she clasped in her hands and incinerated
her.Oops.I tilted my head and took a hefty swig.All colour returned to
the world and I returned to my real form.Hell,I've had enough of this!
I'm leaving this swamp and returning to my nice,warm computer
screen...
Submitted: Wolfie (wolf@yourdoor)
418. I am a fish. My mother is a fish. Jewel's mother is a horse. Spoil me?
Did he spoil me mother, Ho HO that's good mother. No. he didn't spoil
me at all. I'm just a fresh lovely creature who wouldn't dream of
being spoiled. I've always been a good little girl, a good little,
good little girl who's always done what mother and dad asked me too.
I've obeyed every word...yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
Submitted: Vardamman
419. The sun rises only in daylight.Ponder this,my friend,for why doesn't
it rise while the moon is rising ? hmmm ? Mayhaps the moon had beaten
the sun in armed combat,mayhaps the sun rises only to show it's face
and needs it's beauty sleep.Mayhaps the answer lies in the
heavens,just as meese and geese and mouses lie in the bog.The answer
to the query can only be answered by your soul,my friend.Only if you
truly seek shall yee have a chance to hide as well.
Submitted: Wilfoe(wilf@yiirdiir (ni))
420. Once upon a cloud, there was a confused cat. Although confused, this
cat was a happy cat. It was warm and sunny, and his name was Eric. His
owners loved him enough to take him along to Hawaii, where they would
spend all of June, July, and the month after that, then return, with
great suntans and souvineer spoons. Eric, however, would not be
joining them. Eric the warm and happy cat had fallen out of the cargo
bay and was now plummetting downward toward the Pacific Ocean, the
fluffy cloud now far behind him.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
421. A - How's that thing work? B - It's a pulling-lifter. A - Oh.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
422. "I like the dayglo crayola colours more because they taste better,"
said Little Jimmy. Sally, his 5 year old friend who had just lost her
front tooth agreed. "Yeah, and they don't get stuck in my teeth as
much." Little Jimmy laughed, Sally could be sooo silly sometimes! "I'm
bored" Sally exclaimed. "So am I," said Little Jimmy, looking
depressed. "I've got it!" he yelled. "Lets have sex!" cried out our
little hero. Sally giggled and said, "No. Let's play dolls instead."
Jimmy nodded and smiled - playing with dolls was more fun anyway.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
423. I cannot forgive the overtardiness of your riposte, but perhaps I will
forget about it. More likely than not, sooner rather than later.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
424. And why must you grind the gears of your brain in a vain effort of
one-upmanship of me? I vomit at the putrescence you spew -- for until
the erstwhile noodles hover in the sable night, knowledge of your
grotesque and loquacious deeds will ever taint my n
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
425. Go away! I smite my fingernails in disgust but still the ubiquitous
undulating mass of indescribable pollution and collapsing rot refuses
to vacate my presence. Why? Why will it not whence away on its reeking
path?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
426. It mocks me with its insolence. Spoiled sewage emanates from the
apparition's apertures and I swerve in horror from its decaying
drivel.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
427. Spittle slowly wends its way down the creature's chin, if it can truly
be said to have such a humanlike attribute as a chin, and waxy
deposits in its audio canals gravitate its cranial region earthward,
making the thing stoop in apparent agony as its vert
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
428. #422 Continued: numinous designs on the reins of power.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
429. #425 Continued: vertebra struggle to remain intact for yet one more
day.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
430. A half-eaten roll of used toilet paper, apparently the foul denizen's
meal for the day, spirals down around the trunk of its body, making it
appear as a self-immolating mummified jumble of spare parts and moldy
bread.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
431. Virulent corpuscules ruminate corpulently in contemplation of the
soaking olfactory nuisance. Politely I ask, once again, for them to
move over.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
432. Still they decline. Hermeneutics declare and demand that sedentary
pusillanimous ill-willers implode simultaneously.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
433. Pillaging the protruding peninsula provided penultimate policies for
the polite peerless pirates.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
434. Quoth the pirates, "Ahoy, avast and asymptote!" as they traipsed away
into the swirling eddies of the setting sun.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
435. Wreathed, written, worried and weighty, while wishing what wouldn't
win would, when water waited, Willie's wrath wrangled with wrens.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
436. The night began slowly. It was hot and muggy. Strange since it was the
middle of winter on top of Mount Everest, but I digress. The bullfrogs
in the pond just left of the horse stable were croaking.
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
437. But a strange sound it was they emitted. Instead of a stately ribbit
ribbit, they uttered a strange and alien sound. "GorG" was the evil
utterance that issued from their amphibian mouths.
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
438. Noone noticed the black cloud moving slowly through the muggy air
towards the little house. Noone but the old blind man sitting on the
corner. "I sense an evil I have not felt in a long time!" He said. The
family ignored him.
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
439. Out of the black mist emerge a dark and hairy form, uttering gutteral
grunts. First thought to be angrywhitemale, it was soon revealed to be
koko the gorilla, holding a kitten.
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
440. Scooping lard into a bowl in the kitchen, the mother said to her son.
"Go see what that noise is, and be quick about it." The boy started to
move but quickly died of a brain tumor.
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
441. Ugly. Perfectly hideous. Who can tolerate such monocled misnomers as
verities? Your plentitude of rewarding syllogisms number but
insignificantly 'gainst the Horde of Bustenhalters.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
442. Retain th' vision of this memorable and remarkable day 'til finally us
do part 'midst the silvery glow of the moonlight on the reeds of the
great brown swampy lake.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
443. Oh slovenly filth! What deed brings this one forth? Oh! Indeed! To
truly consider the half goat-cheese-raisin gourd as your own, ahhh,
that is an enviable position.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
444. But soft! What light got broken in yonder window? Feel thee the shards
of thine own discontent. Such rabble is indeed spirited, much akin to
your sorrowful meal of breakfasts past.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
445. Stench! Rising up! A phoenix rising from its firey rebirth? No. Only
decay - despair - the whimper of a lost child. Clutch - grab -
reach... try to hold what is not yours to take... feel it inevitably
slip away.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
446. Oh slovenly filth! What deed brings this one forth? Oh! Indeed! To
truly consider the half goat-cheese-raisin gourd as your own, ahhh,
that is an enviable position.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
447. But soft! What light got broken in yonder window? Feel thee the shards
of thine own discontent. Such rabble is indeed spirited, much akin to
your sorrowful meal of breakfasts past.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
448. Stench! Rising up! A phoenix rising from its firey rebirth? No. Only
decay - despair - the whimper of a lost child. Clutch - grab -
reach... try to hold what is not yours to take... feel it inevitably
slip away.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
449. Unfazed, the mother waited the return of fall and poured the tea into
the sink. Then in a swift movement grabbed the week-old bread and
threw it at the intruder, who turned out to be her own clone, coming
to claim her life. The bread was hard so it was
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
450. Indeed, the clone was merely a temporal distortion and an earlier
temporal version of herself. In killing it, she killed herself. But
since she killed herself earlier, she could not have been around to
kill herself.
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
451. So she was not killed and so was around to kill herself whereupon she
killed herself. The paradox continued to infinity-twisting the oven
into a temporal pretzel and nothing actually happened
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
452. The lard was shaped like Mother Theresa and the warm night drew on as
the crickets began to drone. Suddenly a pirate ship was spotted on the
horizon.
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
453. Only in repetition are we original.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
454. Yes. Only in repetition are we original.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
455. A truly waltzing narrative from this plucky reflescent underling of
mine. Good show. I have taught you well.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
456. Stratospheric humunculi, of course, do not calculate in the final
vision! Jousting Turks, however, quail at the sight of girded
villagers wielding timepieces.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
457. A truly waltzing narrative from this plucky reflescent underling of
mine. Good show. I have taught you well.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
458. Stratospheric humunculi, of course, do not calculate in the final
vision! Jousting Turks, however, quail at the sight of girded
villagers wielding timepieces.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
459. A truly waltzing narrative from this plucky reflescent underling of
mine. Good show. I have taught you well.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
460. Stratospheric humunculi, of course, do not calculate in the final
vision! Jousting Turks, however, quail at the sight of girded
villagers wielding timepieces.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
461. Repetitious enough for you?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
462. Gilded villagers welding timepieces, ahh those swiss are so crafty!
Their cheese, so Holy and always ready for the plucking from the vine.
Only the Pope could do a better job, and he is otherwise preoccupied.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
463. Gelded villagers melding crimepieces, ack these swings are so ghastly!
They're cheep soap, holland always spread for the sucking from the
prime. Only the rope could chew a better cob, and she is otherwise
preoccupied.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
464. Guilty pillagers gelding nine beasties, eek those stiffs are so nasty!
There, please, go slowly and all pray steady for the clucking from the
mime. Only a dope would sue a wetter mob, and he is otherwise
preoccupied.
Submitted: PsychoBaby(rubber.room@the.asylum)
465. Quilted millers welding non-bestialists, creak this stuffs were
sodding nosy! Thin, plus, grow slovenly and while play-sledding
fortify the trucking flim-flam mine. Oddly an isotope should rue a
buttered glob, and we are otherworldly predestined.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
466. #427: Describing awm?
Submitted: The Impostor
467. I tried to post this a while ago, but it didn't work. All of this is
100% real (I'll see if I can get pictures of some of this stuff and
upload them somewhere), and I'll award a prize to anybody (except
Leesper) who can guess the name of the city. Anyway, here goes (I
guess I'll split it up over multiple entries this time and hope it
works better than last time)...
Submitted: The Impostor
468. The "downtown" area of the city I live in is about the most surreal
place I've ever been. There's a small store with a sign that says
"Guns - Ammo - Picknic Supplies". There's also Sideburns Restaraunt,
which advertises "Durn good vittles" and now has a pastel blue roof.
Speaking of other strangely painted buildings, there is a VERY bright
yellow pawn shop (and at least one other pawn shop within a mile). It
is home to the annual "Ostrich Festival" (but I don't know of anybody
with an ostrich), the "Do-dah parade", and around Christmas time they
collect tumble weeds and arrange them in a 3-4 story high "Christmas
Tree" and decorate it with lights and all. There are several cheap
motels, millions of fast food restaraunts, and several other strange
other places. The zoning laws of most cities in AZ (but ESPECIALLY
this area, which might have been the fastest growing city in the
country at one point), so there is a Best Western (who would want to
come and stay here?) right next to a McDonnalds...
Submitted: The Impostor
469. This is all completely offset by the high school, which is one of the
nicest looking in the southwest (and also one of the best
education-wise, too). The main building (which, up until last year,
was falling apart and filled with asbestos because it was built very
early in the century) and the center for the arts are very huge and
look very elegant. It is split into two campuses, the real high school
and a former Jr High. In between, there's a florist shop, a mortuary,
and a very small used car dealership (and there's another one within a
mile, and there's also a horse trailer dealership, but that's another
story)...
Submitted: The Impostor
470. There's really a lot more, but I've been around it too long, so I
kinda quit paying attention. Anyway, I dare anybody to guess which
city I'm describing.
Submitted: The Impostor
471. Nay, I shall not stoop to participate in thy wearisome games. My
business is with thee, O Hallucinogen, Great Muse of the Surreal.
Sing, Muse!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
472. I glance in icy disdain at your normal city, friend. Far worse can I
conceive in this twisted labyrinth of my cobwebbed mind.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
473. The streets in this town are confusing. Some are shaped as pretzels,
some are made of pretzels. Mobius Street is particularly frustrating.
The speed limit is inversely proportional to the time of day and the
Dow Jones Industrial Average.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
474. The high-rises are low and the downtown hovers above them. The city is
situated abreast three rivers, all of which have the same name: the
East River.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
475. The buildings are in the shape of letters of the Greek alphabet, and
various punctuation marks and ASCII symbols.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
476. The fog is so thick that one can swim to the 30th floor of any
syscraper. The bridges are transparent and the windows are opaque.
Charlie Chaplin is the mayor.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
477. The police force is corrupt and the organized crime families keep a
watchful eye over them. Every one-story building must have at least
two escalators and one eschatologist.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
478. Basements are illegal, as are proctologists and right angles. Bruno
Magli shoes are considered risqué. You must be 21 to purchase bubble
gum and Star Wars paraphernelia.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
479. The city's name is spelled the same in English, Japanese and
Pig-Latin. It is six hundred miles long and seventy-eight feet wide.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
480. Its population is 10^(e * *) + sin(3x - 8), with 'x' being the number
of days in the current month subtracted from the relative humidity at
the moment.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
481. The Confederate flag is flown upside down over City Hall, the single
post office in town has been out of service since 1932, and every
other building is a savings and loan.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
482. The city seal looks like a backgammon board might appear under water
through a prism, and carpenters can find useful employment only as
dentists and prostitutes.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
483. Zoning laws only apply to underwater buildings, of which there are
one: a bed-and-breakfast. Painted a ghastly shade of off-white, this
eyesore can be seen in one of the the East Rivers.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
484. The building address numbers are all equal to the city's ZIP code.
Half of the city is a Toys-R-Us, and sequoia trees sprout from it at
angles extending into the fourth dimension.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
485. Relativity does not apply there, and gravity is only 0.623 its normal
force. Every surface is frictionless and perfectly sound-absorptive.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
486. Plaid is a foreign concept there, and the men all wear nylons, causing
them considerable consternation. The city is enclosed in a dome which
keeps the sunlight out but not the rain.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
487. The library is in the shape of a swastika and is painted neon puce.
Instead of cars, statues and pedestrians, the pigeons bomb home
appliances and sewer grates, and they can receive satellite TV.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
488. Such is the Surreal City. Enjoy your visit. You are here.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
489. Yesterday, I read this list through in its entirety. At one time. All
of it. Out loud. The next thing I knew, half the people in the
computer lab were running from the room, and the other half was trying
to fit me into a strait-jacket. I believe that surreality is vastly
misunderstood by these people. Right now, I am communicating with the
padded rubber walls of my room. They are telling me that M&Ms are
really made by alien technology. A goldfish swims lazily through the
air in front of my nose. I blow him a kiss, sending him into a
tailspin. I think I will have to get to a computer soon. I need to get
back on Top-N. If I don't I think I might go crazy...
Submitted: Flowerchild
490. Crazy? I was crazy once. I was kidnappped by these little men, they
put my in a little room. Then they made me kill myself. Then I buried
myself. Then these little worms came up and drove me crazy. Crazy? I
was crazy once. I was kidnapped by these l
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
491. ittle men and they put me in this little room. Then they made me kill
myself. then I buried myself. then these little worms came up and
drove me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. I was kidnapped by these
little men and they put me in this little room.
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo(@corpus.collosum)
492. Then they made me kill myself. then I buried myself. Then these litte
worms came up and drove me crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once. I was
kidnapped by these little men and they put me in this little room.
Then they made me kill myself. Then I buried mys
Submitted: Tamarind Tonkatsu Diable(@corpus.collosum)
493. The little men, armed with inflatable little rooms, scour the
countryside hunting for those who have been impregnated with the seed
of Watermelon. As a truly honorable gesture to the world, they risk
life and limb (their only limb, a combination tentacle and garlic
press) and entrap the lucky souls in the rooms. The victims are forced
to kill and bury themselves to cleanse themselves from the ungourdly
spirit. Worms attend the ceremony, only for recordkeeping purposes.
Afterward, a celebration is held and all are invited to partake of the
holy beverage, Tang.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
494. The surreal city? Your surreality is my reality. Our corderoy toe
covers swzzzzp with every wiggle, but they are required by law. The
law abandons those who feed peas to chickens, for they do not need the
restrictions for a less imaginative populace. Bathtubs full of bean
curd make for a relaxing evening, but even then we all know that
tomorrow it will be used in construction of the new Sturgeon theme
park.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
495. Towering piles of snotty hankerchiefs, colour coded to make sorting
easier, are donated to the rabid sheep, which are cloned with great
success. The stories told by them are truly fantastic, consisting of
limericks, hessian fairytales and recipes for guacamole, carefully
intertwined and knotted so they don't come unraveled.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
496. Inside the high school, laid out in the geometry of a Klein bottle, we
find millions of coathangers. In fact, we find all the coathangers
there. They congregate, and sing glorious songs of praise to the coat
rack which presides over them. A pervading high pitch whine can be
heard, but dont be alarmed! It is only the chorus leader playing his
nose whistles in the key of F sharp.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
497. "Fnord Fnord" go the workers who scale the alen tower to the submarine
city of Zinje
Submitted: ChAoS
498. Locusts eat the locust trees which grow by the carnivorous conifers
Submitted: ChAoS
499. The robot crew pilots the purple nuclear catfish through the
subterrainian canyon in search of the mystic cheese.
Submitted: ChAoS
500. The dead rise to bury the living and then get their mail on sunday.
Submitted: ChAoS
501. the dog whistles like a bluebird when the sun shines at midnight on
the equator. Magnetic monkeys assualt the salvation army seeking to
conquer the pizza restaraunts garage.
Submitted: ChAoS
502. #500 - ooooooooooohohhhhhhhhhhhhh 500 is as 500 does.CalvinKlein
toasters fly through thespace that once was my pancreas.
Submitted: Grooooooooooovin'
503. #497: Be careful! Nuclear fishin' is dangerous.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
504. robotic oysters burp out a melody in a sea of grape soda.
Submitted: ChAoS
505. the eagle eats reed mans spleen in a mountainous valley of ice cream.
Submitted: ChAoS
506. worms dig through your mind looking for ideas they can find.
Submitted: ChAoS
507. across the infintessimally small cosmic void lies the blueish silver
comets tail, a microuniverse stretched to infinite proportions from
the eyes of god to the mind of a mad man.
Submitted: ChAoS
508. a harpoon through the earths core reveals the sentience of quartz.
Submitted: ChAoS
509. I shot the moon and it deflated, shooting out a jet of mustard gas.
Submitted: ChAoS
510. termites chew at my hard drive, they like the taste of top-N.
Submitted: ChAoS
511. insane goes my brain, the surreal becomes real. Crazy is as crazy
does. ChAoS reigns supreme. Oh how I long for stable days,those days
are dead, only top-N remains. EAT BEEF angrywhitemale GORG Jinxster
BACKH! reedman you are the only true regulars of top-N the rest of us
are nothing but dust mites screaming in hyperspace.
Submitted: ChAoS
512. WOW! thinking surreally is fun! (said the tortoise)
Submitted: ChAoS
513. ()()()()()()()()
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Submitted: ChAoS
514. Horace: Hark! Hear ye the chiming of the tower?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
515. Gertrude: 'Tis eight o'clock! So late, and yet too soon to take a
shower.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
516. Horace: Aye, wife, though the fires of love do not the clock obey...
but soft! Yonder image seems intent upon us. It views our words as
soon we speak them!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
517. Gertrude: I am over-frightened, husband. Methinks I shall not retain
the power of consciousness for long before....
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
518. (she faints)
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
519. Horace (to you): Scalawag! Thou voyeur of unclean spirit! How long
must thou torment us with thy creepy visage? Be thee gone! Or I shall
call the cops.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
520. O'Donnelly: Hare, now. Wot seems ta be the trauble, sir?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
521. Horace: Yon personage, good sir cop, doth spy upon my wife and me.
Still it ceaseth not! E'en as I plead with it to leave, it yet stares
at me all the more intently.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
522. O'Donnelly (to Horace): Alroight, I'll take car of it for ya. (to
you): Hey! You ore an ogly thing, oren't ya? Whoy don't ya move along
now? That's a good... wotever you ore.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
523. Horace: Goofy thing. I thought it'd never leave.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
524. With every subscription, we offer a free pizza - but that's not all!
You get the amazing wonder chamois and the miracle mop! Just think of
the many things you'll be able to clean in half the time. Never again
will your toaster oven suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune, or the baked on grime that so often plagues the less
fortunate among us. And now, a massage from our sponsors.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
525. Since they moved entry #512 to the #1 spot this list is more surreal
than ever before.
Submitted: ChAoS
526. ever since number 512 was moved to #1 this list has been more surreal
than ever before.
Submitted: ChAoS
527. SPEEF! The new semi-meat product from Kenno! Spam and Beef! EAT SPEEF!
Submitted: Tongo(ug@gug.mug)
528. While trying to cross the street one day, Laura the Spotted Gecko is
squished flat by a rather large truck. Her flattened corpse is tossed
upon a pyre to be burned that evening.
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon)
529. Later that day, Dragonlord flying low, is mistaken for a Libyan jet
and shot down by the US military. His dead body plummets from the air
and lands on the Eternal Impostor. Both corpses are summarily tossed
upon the pyre.
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon)
530. Tamarind Tonkatsu Diablo and Samuel Kirkwood get into an argument
about who has more of a life than who. They wind up in a viscious
fight and kill each other. Their discarded vehicles go upon the pyre
as well.
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon)
531. The Ninth Incarnation of Dr. Who comes upon a rip in the temporal
fabric of space. Attempting to fix it, he is sucked in and the
tremendous forces rip him apart. Coincidentally, the rip in space and
time opens up to the pyre and the bits of him fall upon
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon)
532. GENERIC TOP-N USER suffers a GENERIC DEATH and his corpse is also
tossed upon the now heaping, stinking pyre.
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon)
533. Dr. Gonads, while yelling obscenities at elderly women strains himself
so much that he has a fatal aneurysm in his brain and dies. Sandy
carries him to the pyre, but in doing so, contracts a horrible
Gonadsian disease and collapses dead on the pyre.
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon)
534. White Stallion breaks a leg and is summarily shot. His body is also
placed upon the pyre.
Submitted: ReedMan(Somewhere in POrtland, Oregon)
535. ReedMan faces off with his döpplegänger the notorious Anti-ReedMan.
The two are like matter and anti-matter. Hurling insults at each
other, the two charge. Upon contact, a matter/anti-matter reaction of
great force is released.
Submitted: What will arise from the flames?
536. The two are killed, and their bodies placed upon the pyre of Reedman's
aliases. It is finally set alight, much to the joy of the suffering
nearby townspeople.
Submitted: What will arise from the flames?
537. All the bodies are immediate creamated, yet no smoke emerges from the
conflagration. It's almost as if the bodies are being reassocciated
within the flames.
Submitted: What will arise from the flames?
538. Gradually, a great form becomes discernable within the flames. It
seems unconcerned by the flames and seems to be gaining sustanance
from them. As the fire dies down, a gasp runs through the community at
what is revealed.
Submitted: What will arise from the flames?
539. "I AM THE PHOENIX!!" The creature exclaimed "I AM REBORN FROM THE
FLAMES OF WHAT WAS." WHAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU IS NOW WHAT I SHALL BE"
Submitted: The Phoenix
540. Oh! BTW, if you want the job of Generic, you may now have it. It's an
open position for all I care.
Submitted: The Phoenix
541. You wasted our time for THAT?
Submitted: MMM!
542. GENERIC WITTY ENTRY
Submitted: GENERIC IMPOSTOR
543. I'm still confused.
Submitted: Henry Earl
544. Suddenly, AngryReedMale and Nür Mich dropped dead for no particular
reason whatsoever.
Submitted: The Phoenix
545. !me impostering Stop
Submitted: Earl Henry
546. #539: Maybe I should blow up or something too. It'd make a change from
arse jokes.
Submitted: All-new Manure Dangerman (21)
547. #546 Not with the way you'd ignite the explosion.
Submitted: The Phoenix
548. !em gniretsopmi pots
Submitted: Lrae Yrneh
549. And then Jerome said "What's that smell? Oh no! THE AIR FARTED!"
Submitted: Davey Johnson(skipper@orioles.com)
550. THE ANUS HAS EATEN AMANDA!
Submitted: Jorgon
551. I feel the purple mountain majesty grape banana fake wax taste in my
fear of the edge as I stare at the old man beside me who stares back
as I drop the chair, the paper, the bucket of peanut butter that was
so much fun at your last party...
Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com)
552. Everything will be okay if I can reach my toes in the frozen water and
see the one the eighth-graders call "the man" and ask him how it feels
to be today...
Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com)
553. The answer, of course, is that nothing is more true than your lies
about where your eyes are. Well, yes they're cool but compared to
what? To time, to velvet, to never seeing his face again?
Submitted: TiGar (tigar@iname.com)
554. You're a legend of vermillion, a teller of some aspect. What aspect?
Perhaps it is your past, my future, the car you drive, and your
black-light special. Or maybe you know too much of diamonds, and how
multi-colored paper is my favorite means of exchange.
Submitted: TiGar (tigar@iname.com)
555. You have never known this place, though I sent you a postcard.
Rosy-fingered, early born, I understand the rythym, the gist, but not
specifics. What is it doing in this phrase? It is keeping me awake.
You stare at the moon with me and it has no special ef
Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com)
556. Why can't we have an instant, a moment, what's desired. What am I
paying penance for? Why do you always play your part? You lead me
around but never to, never quite through, what I'm supposed to find.
Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com)
557. Everyone else plays the game but me, a four-footed creature of comic
rage. I escaped and recorded an album sold only in pieces but with
it's own razor-blade. I should be the chef, the mother, preacher's
wife. I should finish my stories and draw the angels
Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com)
558. ...I've seen. But you would never comprehend how it all looks
together, how a color creates a tear, a shadow the fear of loneliness.
Circumstance evolves from chance to romance? Yeah, right. A theft for
it's own sake, an appearance of sweet evil: so charm
Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com)
559. ...charming, so annoying. If I had more silver paint, you might have
nothing to fear. I wouldn't need you so.
Submitted: TiGar(tigar@iname.com)
560. #547: I think I've been typecast. Heh heh heh. 'Typecast'. 'Arsed'.
Heh heh heh.
Submitted: Dangerman C
561. Dangerman announces that he adores top British female group the Spice
Girls but, instead of meeting with verbal abuse, is surprised to
instead be faced with disbelief.
Submitted: Dangerman C
562. I shoved the key in the window, but strangely it had no effect. I
dumped water on it again, but still nothing. A third time I sang it a
lullaby, but still no motion.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
563. Suddenly I realized that windows need the outdoors to operate
properly. So I thought up a suitable place and situated it ouside my
precious window. And it was good.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
564. I finally opened my window, so to let in the cool spring breeze. It
caressed my face ever so slightly, and I dreamed of ancient times...
happy, sad. Bittersweet, you might say. The sun set to the harp music,
and I wept.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
565. The last dim glow of the day's brilliance reflected off the clouds and
onto the pastoral countryside. The river flowed quietly along under my
bridge and I watched it as the sky grew dark.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
566. That day, over a year ago now, was the last I saw of the sun. It's
cold now, and everything has died. The river is quiet, and the harp
plays no more. How I long to return to the beautiful days of yore.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
567. It's so cold. No one seems to understand my full plight as I ponder
the darkness. Sometimes I try to light a candle, but the wind just
blows it out after a scant few seconds. Still, I try.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
568. I have a blanket, but it avails not against the numbing chill. I am
wearied to the bone by its strength-sapping bite. I fear I shall not
live much longer. Still, I try. Perhaps the candle will call back the
sun.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
569. My death approaches. I see it, stalking me like a wolf would stalk a
wounded deer, if any such creatures remained in this unforgiving
climate. Still, I try. I'm running out of matches.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
570. I hold in my hand the last match... but I've thought that before, and
I've always found another. I wonder if this time it is truly the end?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
571. We shall see. The time is not yet right to strike the match. I must
conserve my strength. I must wait for the wind to stop, just for a
moment. Will I live? Will I die? Does it matter? Farewell.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
572. Yes, farewell, cruel world of my undoing. I'll not strike this match!
I defy you! Ah... the icy hand of death is upon my shoulder. I turn
and prepare to receive his mortal scythe to my neck.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
573. As he swings back in preparation to strike, I notice a sudden absence.
The wind is gone! I can bring the fire. I reach for the match.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
574. I try to light it, but my strength is all gone. Too late I realize my
error; my opportunity missed. A glint reminds me of my self-imposed
impending doom.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
575. As the final sting of Death's crimson blade kisses me, the sun... it's
back! Three seconds too late. With my last breath, I whisper, "Forsake
me not; I want to live!" Yet I am done for, the steel has run its
course.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
576. What is death like? Surely better than the cold, at least.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
577. But the sun... I want the sun... but my choice was made... I chose
this... my fault... I want to live... I want to go home... my
fault....
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(Triumphant Return)
578. The fool...Death need not have come would he had merely closed the
precious window and kept the heat within.
Submitted: The Phoenix
579. ARe you surw? Wuld that havf Broght backh the Sunm?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
580. The window is indeed powerful... but it durst not command the sun. The
sun comes and goes whithersoever it pleases.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
581. E'en now it stalks you! You man run, you may hide, but you cannot
evade the sun's piercing gaze.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
582. It is a fire! It cannot be quenched. It burns with the heat of many
rabbits.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
583. #581: Piercing Gaze? Sounds like a trendy 'Body Adornment' salon run
by homosexuals.
Submitted: Dangerman C
584. #583: Let me guess: you're not only the president, but a client as
well?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
585. #584: The Top N regular known as Dangerman C would like us to point
out that at this moment in time, he is unable to respond to your
comedic interjection.
Submitted: Ug and Gug, official Top N posters to Dangerman C
586. This is due to his current inability to sit at a computer, thanks to
the variety of rings, chains and washing-machine parts in his left
arse-cake going septic.
Submitted: Ug and Gug, official Top N posters to Dangerman C
587. Please forward all charitable donations to Mr Dangerman C to aid him
in his hour of need. Cushions appreciated, wooden chairs not so.
Submitted: Ug and Gug, official Top N posters to Dangerman C
588. #584: May I remind Mr Kalhoun that he is three months behind in the
payment for his Shears and Pitchfork 'Garden-mate™' Nipple set?
Submitted: Pearce Bumcake, proprietor of Piercing Gaze
Salon(Black.decker@flabbybit.com)
589. I know of no "Mr." Kalhoun, my friend. I'm afraid you have mistaken me
for someone else.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
590. Lo, EUREKA,' I yelled into the cat, 'Thou art truly laborious and
divergent. My nose bleeds for your impending encounter with the front
fender of a Mercedes Benz.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
591. Suffer, for you are toasting the Marzipan!.. (..and may I upon
pretense ring latent tintinabulations for your Andalusian raisins!)
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
592. You are the Ayatollah of Confusion on the night of Divalí.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
593. The perils of your eyelashes torture my libido into a state of crass
belief in Roman Catholicism.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
594. An ocean-going tin of crosseyed mussels could never match the
melodious burblings of your sister's husband.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
595. The phase of your hallucinations reminds me of those balmy days when
the championship mould was breeding, when the fish were long, and so
were the valued floats of men we drank through narrow straws.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
596. Bleed me! My memory is fried with your pork!
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
597. Hermaphrodites around the galaxy desire that you turn your rock and
crochet bowl to its loudest setting.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
598. You cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel, nor the nadir of a
ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
599. Your dainty nostrils flare with the humblest grandiosity of an ant
swallowing a water buffalo.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
600. You are as frightful as an engine developed solely for the countenance
of sexual inuendo by country music. Ahhhhhhhhh, 600.
Submitted: knob(freakin'@my.head)
601. The palm trees by the Thames sway in time as I stroll along basking in
the unaccustomed sunshine.
Submitted: Jinxster
602. I hear the sound of the Spice Girls singing Handel in the background,
coming from the radio of a taxi cab, festooned in ribbons, rosettes
and posters, asking for your vote for the Monster Raving Referendum
Liberal Labour Tory National Democrat Party.
Submitted: Jinxster
603. Climbing into the back, I hear the driver talking about the state of
the country. "That John Major geezer, now, what a tosser he is. Total
and utter prat. Couldn't run a piss-up in a brewery, never mind
England. I'd drive over there and tell him what I thought, only I
can't be arsed. Heh heh, 'arse'."
Submitted: Jinxster
604. Why, tis my old Top-N buddy Dangerman, that debonair individual
beloved of all right-thinking Top-Ners. Reduced to driving cabs after
the landslide Labour victory due to happen tonight made all the best
customers at his 'personal services' business redundant. I smile and
sit back in the jelly coated seats of his tangerine taxi cab and
invite him to tell me what's up.
Submitted: Jinxster
605. As he talks, however, I notice a disturbing change in him. The capital
letters disappear from his words, and the phrase 'liberal conspiracy'
starts to recur. I try to escape, but the sealing wax dripping from
the roof has gummed up the doors. Scrabbling frantically at the
windows, I turn to see Dangerman's boyish good looks twist and contort
into the laughing face of evil incarnate. He has become...
angrywhitemale!!!!!
Submitted: Jinxster
606. The taxi cab tears through the streets of London, nimbly sidestepping
all the buses and cars gridlocked together on the Mile End Road. 'damn
traffic!' he snarls, 'why can you english never do things right?'
Stepney Green Tube Station looms ahead of us, no mean feat as only
seconds ago we were crawling over Regent's Canal, just before you get
to the college that is the centre of all knowledge and wisdom, QMW.
Submitted: Jinxster
607. I am hauled into the depths of London's Underground system, past the
goldfish at the entrance selling the Big Issue to the giant mango who
lives by the river. On the platform we stand, awm clutching me in his
aluminium grip. 'and now, i have you in my power at last!' he gloats,
as the Devil's own tube train roars into sight.
Submitted: Jinxster
608. "Never" I respond. "In this city, I rule. You have no power over me."
Howling with rage as I speak the words of release, he falls to the
ground and begins to melt into a pool of liquid nitrogen. The station
begins to come apart and drift upwards into the cool blue sky, like
Jareth's palace at the end of 'Labyrinth'. I leap onto the rails,
shrinking as I do so. I see the mice of London running aroung
underneath the rails, seemingly unbothered by the presence of several
thousand volts of electricity arcing overhead. They see me and
disappear into the hole under the platform.
Submitted: Jinxster
609. I follow them into the darkness, and feel their furry bodies around me
and behind me. I am swept off my feet and carried through the tunnels
in the true rat race of the city.
Submitted: Jinxster
610. The Visigoths are ransacking Rome RIGHT NOW!
Submitted: Raisin(russin@juno.com)
611. Brought a tear to me eye, Jinxster.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
612. Obi-Wan has taught you well... but you are not a Jedi yet.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
613. Uuuurgh... bloody hell, i feel rough... does anyone know what i did
last night? for some reason, I hate liberals and my ears are ringing.
heh heh heh. 'ring'.
Submitted: dangrywhiteman
614. The groobles have left for higher grounds, and yet their little
scrodgy bits remain behind. Perhaps they are watching out for their
eternal nemesis, El Grinder Grande. They turn to their friend Kaboobie
the flying camel and lick his ears clean. The friendly artiodactylian
wishes them many a shiny farthing and later departs for a more sandy
region and to find his little masters.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
615. When screaming does not suffice, I turn to a whisper, not because it
is more effective, but because it hurts my throat a little less. I
have found that not swallowing the razor blades, broken glass and
barbed wire I keep reserved for emergencies can also alleviate some of
the horseness I get. But then there are times my equine side must be
set free. I blink, rub my ears, cross my toes and wait. Nothing seems
to happen... Perhaps it will work tomorrow.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
616. Kalhoun, hoon, bo boon, banana fanna fo foon, fee fi mo moon, Kalhoon!
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
617. Jinxster, kinkster, bo binkster, banana fanna fo finkster, fee fi mo
minxster, Jinxter!
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
618. Raisin, raisin, bo baisin, banana fanna fo faisin, fee fi mo maisin,
Raisin!
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
619. Knob, knob, bo bob, banana fanna fo fob, fee fi mo mob, Knob!
Submitted: Tec42(lost)
620. Dangerman, strangerman, bo ban, banana fanna fo fan, fee fi mo man,
Dangerman!
Submitted: Tec42(lost)
621. The electrostatic potential of the meat cleaver has exceeded legal
limits. I shall have to hide it from the authorities. Where to keep
the darn thing? Why, under my hat, of course!
Submitted: Tec42(lost)
622. They say that stranger things have happened at sea. I challenge this.
I am certain that stranger things have happened on land, in space, and
under the passenger seat of my car.
Submitted: Tec42(lost)
623. ::LOST AND FOUND:: Aardvark - Little Andy disappeared last weekend,
anyone seen him? Call 423-9987. . . . . . . . . Bad nosejob - found
lying on a street corner last weekend, please call 518-2121. . . . . .
. . . . . . . . Lost: Marbles. If found, please plant them carefully
in Kings park at regular intervals. I will collect them when I regain
my composure...
Submitted: Tec42(lost)
624. #610: No, it's just some England soccer fans rehearsing for their
side's next encounter with Italy.
Submitted: Jinxster
625. #611: It was nothing. Merely a fertile imagination, a poet's ability
to write, psychotic tendencies and assorted hallucinogens.
Submitted: Jinxster
626. #612: But I have not finished yet. I was thwarted in my surrealist
visions by the hated and feared Men In Black. Twas the security guards
of QMW insisting I depart from the hallowed portals of the Engineering
building. So I was forced to wander, alone and desolate until such
time as I could return.
Submitted: Jinxster
627. Returning to my tale of before, I was swept by the city vermin along
their labyrinthine tunnels, to the hidden halls of their mighty ruler,
The Rat.
Submitted: Jinxster
628. "So you have brought me the Jinxster. A fine addition to my harem." He
leers, his furry visage forcing itself into my aura. Revolted, I hand
it back to him.
Submitted: Jinxster
629. "Touch me not, O Vermin of Hillsdale. Return to spreading the
pestilence in Michigan, or whatever it is you do."
Submitted: Jinxster
630. "I would, but tis already a barren landscape, my pretty. The Lord of
Kalhoun has ruled there too long."
Submitted: Jinxster
631. In the corner of the room, I see three cages. One contains a tiger,
one a dragon, and one stays empty. I am lifted up by the pink rabbits
that are Rat's assistants and locked in there. I rattle an empty
bottle of Oasis, soft drink nectar of the gods, against the papier
mache bars.
Submitted: Jinxster
632. "Release me, Rodent King." I demand. I feel his traffic-light gaze
penetrate my very soul.
Submitted: Jinxster
633. "Never. You, TiGar and Dragonlady will be my love slaves for ever
more. You alone will be the ones to lick mint jelly from my naked
furry body."
Submitted: Jinxster
634. "Never. Melted chocolate and we might have a deal." TiGar hauls
herself from her stupor of despair. "It's no use, Jinxster!" she
cries. "The blue mire that suffuses this country only encourages
vermin and hopelessness."
Submitted: Jinxster
635. Dragonlady lifts her head. The candle-flame fire in her vent shaft
eyes is almost out. "Fire could set us free, but it's too cold."
Submitted: Jinxster
636. Even in death, awm is triumphant. The liquid nitrogen drips down the
sandcastle walls, freezing all it touches, rather like the icy hand of
a Tory MP on his researcher's arse.
Submitted: Jinxster
637. The snigger of a disembodied Dangerman echoes through the halls. The
frozen nitrogen cracks and falls, shattering as it hits the ground,
the notes it makes playing the chorus of 'Wannabe'. More sniggering
caused by use of the word 'crack' exacerbates the process.
Submitted: Jinxster
638. A red tide sweeps the country as Big Ben chimes midday. The vibrations
shake the Rat's stronghold to it's very foundations as Dragonlady
finds her strength,
Submitted: Jinxster
639. While all around fall screaming as 'Wannabe' plays its merry little
melody, Dragonlady throws back her head and breathes gas oven fire
over all she surveys. It meets the red tide sweeping over Britain like
tomato ketchup. They react, turn, and find The Rat. Screaming, he is
consumed and swept away to the land where you use raindrops to protect
yourself from the umbrellas falling from the sky.
Submitted: Jinxster
640. The origami cages fall apart, and as TiGar shreds the guineapigs with
her claws and leaps out to prowl the streets of London, seeking the
one with all the answers, I leap on Dragonlady's back, as she flies me
to Kalhoun's Michigan wasteland, a place so desolate that even
'Barney' is considered worth watching..
Submitted: Jinxster
641. Rising from the remnants of the Dragonlady's fire is a Phoenix, flying
behind us like Hale-Bopp on acid. As it pulls up alongside us, I see
it has the face of ReedMan, proving that it's almost certainly on
acid. Or marijuana. Is that a joint in your talons, Phoenix, or are
you just pleased to see me?
Submitted: Jinxster
642. Skimming through the budgerigar clouds, he grins. "Whatever you want
it to be, Jinxster." He never changes. Randy as hell.
Submitted: Jinxster
643. "I object to that." Satan tells me. "This place is a sex-free zone.
Best form of torture there is." I glance around and for a moment,
think we have arrived in Belgium. But no, we are in Michigan.
Kalhoun's realm is all around us.
Submitted: Jinxster
644. Kalhoun sits on his latex throne, a tortoiseshell cat curled up on his
lap. Made of real tortoiseshell. He throws it at Dragonlady and she
turns into a butterfly which soars into the purple stratosphere.
Submitted: Jinxster
645. Phoenix glances at Kalhoun, wrapped in the cumulonimbus produce of the
holy weed interacting with his fiery feathers, each one shaped like a
hemp leaf. Kalhoun offers him a rare orchid from the elephant on the
desk. Such beauty is rare in Michigan. I scream a warning but too
late, water squirts from the centre and extinguishes his fire. The
Phoenix, without his fire, has just become a pigeon. Flying west to
Portland to recuperate, he leaves me alone at Kalhoun's mercy. Now it
is just me. (I had to get his name in here somehow.)
Submitted: Jinxster
646. "It is useless to resist, young Jinxster." he says from behind his
black leather mask. "I can feel the hatred rising within you now. Come
join my Empire, we'll rule the domain of Top-N."
Submitted: Jinxster
647. "Never. I'd rather die." Kalhoun shrugs. "If that is your wish, so be
it."
Submitted: Jinxster
648. "I will destroy you." I tell him as the tropical fruit that has
materialised flies past my head. I watch the flock of lemons on the
hillside chewing the grass then getting high off it and know anything
is possible.
Submitted: Jinxster
649. "You cannot destroy me." he cackles. "I am Eternal."
Submitted: Jinxster
650. "No you're not. He's from Indiana." I point out. Kalhoun shrugs his
shoulders before replacing them on the end of his arms. "Be that as it
may, no man, woman or the awm can destroy me."
Submitted: Jinxster
651. Jinxster's Sun conjuncts Reedman's Moon, square awm's Saturn, trine
Dragonlady's Mercury, sextile Dangerman's Mars and opposes Kalhoun's
Venus at the nadir. No love on Kalhoun's side. As the skies spell out
doom and my star rises, I feel myself transforming from the all too
human Jinxster into something altogether different. I become the
SuperVixen.
Submitted: Jinxster
652. The mirror stops ticking and the clock cracks across it's face. Time
stands still as penguins sing the Beatles, and the ladybird crawls
backward up the walls. I tear Kalhoun's mask from his face and snap
his neck in two. I tear his body limb from limb then fling it into
Lake Michigan.
Submitted: Jinxster
653. The spurting blood floods the land and it sinks beneath the lesser
spotted waves like a drunken student into a canal. I flee to
neighbouring Ohio where I resume my Jinxian form and curl up inside my
safe haven. awm's former residence awaits me; with it's master gone,
it's all mine.
Submitted: Jinxster
654. Kalhoun's death gives new life to the land. The bloated Jabba--esque
Kalhounian vampire lord gives back what he has taken out, not Lord
Kalhoun, but Lard Kalhoun. Or maybe Laid Kalhoun, if the rumours that
he had a timeshare in Rat's harem are true.
Submitted: Jinxster
655. From Lake Michigan rises a new land, the realm of Top-N. Dragonlady
and the Phoenix fly out of the sun and frolic in the Hillsdale, while
Rat, squeaky clean and plague-free nibbles at the Cheesy Wotsits by
the sea.
Submitted: Jinxster
656. Dangerman sniggers at the arse-shaped hills before collapsing under
the Wild Brew fountains with his head laid back.
Submitted: Jinxster
657. I leave the angrywhitecastle and see it's owner, angry no more, in
search of the bar.
Submitted: Jinxster
658. I buy him a drink at the place where the flamingos dance the tango by
Lake Erie and Budweiser is 20p a pint.
Submitted: Jinxster
659. angrywhitemale holds his psycho baby, angrywhitechild, on his lap,
with Wolfie curled up at his feet.
Submitted: Jinxster
660. "Who's the mother?" I ask, surprised that there was any woman fool
enough to do it with awm.
Submitted: Jinxster
661. "He has no mother. He was born from my skull like Athene,
materialising like Aphrodite from the waves." He tosses
angrywhitechild to TiGar who swallows him whole and turns into a
swordfish. awm clones the swordfish and challenges me to a duel. If he
wins, I promise to give him the dice and chat to the celery.
Submitted: Jinxster
662. Like Darth Vader and Luke we fight. The assembled regulars place bets
on the outcome.
Submitted: Jinxster
663. angrywhitemale flips the fish out of my hand and pinions me to the
ground. "What have you to say for yourself now?" he laughs
triumphantly.
Submitted: Jinxster
664. "Nothing. You may have won the battle but you have lost the war. I
placed £10 on you to win at odds of 10'000 to one. I'm off to the land
of the Banana-people to lie under the moonlight and drink eggplant
juice."
Submitted: Jinxster
665. And so my surreal odyssey draws to a close. The clocks strike twenty
and the monkeys are on the moon, and my task is done. I ask no reward
but this.
Submitted: Jinxster
666. The number of the beast flares for a second time. Only once before has
this happened, on the paintball list before the Reaper swung the
Scythe of Wrath and decimated it like the Tory Party on Election Day.
I brought it to being at my touch then, I bring it to birth now. See
the beast flicker into life and come at my command. And watch the
power of Jinxster triumph as it curls up meekly at my feet. Adios from
the Surreal Goddess! I go to have my hair washed in blueberry juice in
the land of Marissenel. Bye bye...
Submitted: Jinxster
667. Cold. So cold. This portland air is not conducive to pigeon to phoenix
transmutations. Hello? What's this? In the corners of the park, I spot
a flame and a familiar smell.
Submitted: The Phoenix
668. Hemp! Hemp will return me to my true form! Burn it! Burn ME! I take in
the flame it consumes me and I arise again! I take off like a
lightning bolt, towards the east where to mighty foes clash
Submitted: The Phoenix
669. The awm, grown huge with conceit, looms over the momentarily defeated
Jinxster, My anger turns to force, Dragonlady joins me at my side as
we rush towards the huge figure like an out-of-control, sexually
charged juggernaught
Submitted: The Phoenix
670. Grabbing the leprous old lecher, our momentum is transferred to him as
he is knocked into a fissure in the earth caused by ChAoTiC forces.
Submitted: The Phoenix
671. I land, offer my hand to help Jinxster up. She accepts and I pull her
up. "I'll have you know that Randy is my father's name" I say winking.
Submitted: The Phoenix
672. "The six! The six is everywhere!" cried the lone being as he was
carried away by forces unknown to anyone. "6 everything! Will it ever
end?" the young lad screamed silently to no one as he pondered life,
time, and other useless things. Never mind that there were others
worse than he, he never cared anyway. Suddenly, a giant, floating 6
appears in front of the boy, and does loop-de-loops in the air, then
tap dances away. "I must stop inhaling so much bathroom cleanser,"
mused the young, lone lad.
Submitted: Just Me(6 months. 6 long months. 6 long, insane months)
673. "What will the next six hold?" he wondered. "Perhaps more. Perhaps
better. None can know but someone. What? Why?" he pondered, as another
floating 6 appeared in front of him, this time riding a small, fleet,
rugged, white mountain lion. It speeds away at more than 100 miles per
hour. "Wow, that was fast. What might that mountain lion eat for it to
be so fit?" he asked whoever was listening, though he did not speak
out loud.
Submitted: Just Me(6 months. 6 long months. 6 long, insane months)
674. "The six! The six is everywhere!" cried the lone being as he was
carried away by forces unknown to anyone. "6 everything! Will it ever
end?" the young lad screamed silently to no one as he pondered life,
time, and other useless things. Never mind that there were others
worse than he, he never cared anyway. Suddenly, a giant, floating 6
appears in front of the boy, and does loop-de-loops in the air, then
tap dances away. "I must stop inhaling so much bathroom cleanser,"
mused the young, lone lad.
Submitted: Just Me(I wonder if these will show up NOW?)
675. "What will the next six hold?" he wondered. "Perhaps more. Perhaps
better. None can know but someone. What? Why?" he pondered, as another
floating 6 appeared in front of him, this time riding a small, fleet,
rugged, white mountain lion. It speeds away at more than 100 miles per
hour. "Wow, that was fast. What might that mountain lion eat for it to
be so fit?" he asked whoever was listening, though he did not speak
out loud.
Submitted: Just Me(I wonder if these will show up NOW?)
676. the liberal conspiracy of phoenix/dragonlady challenges the mighty awm
in the garden of Top-n for the prized jinxster maiden who is still
locked in continuous sexual intercourse with amw
Submitted: angrywhitemale
677. awm raises his angrywhitesword in the air, powerful and erect, but
from the heavens above lightning crashes down hitting awm, turning him
to stone
Submitted: angrywhitemale
678. imortalized, forever young, awm, the tallest statue in the garden,
captivating the sheer beauty of this tall, dark and mysterious figure
for all who visit Top-n to see in awe. while jinxster, now remains
free but an angrywhiteshroud covers her as a growin
Submitted: angrywhitemale
679. the beast is gone but there is another
Submitted: angrywhitemale
680. #678: (cont.) g embryo lies deep in her chasm
Submitted: angrywhitemale
681. Stone, eh? Well, at least he's quiet.
Submitted: The Phoenix
682. A dark cloud obscures the sun; Jinxster bemoans the return of the
Phoenix and his cannabis-induced haze. But lo! 'Tis not the Phoenix,
but a much darker force.
Submitted: Spirit of Kalhoun
683. It is Kalhoun -- freed from his body and thus from his limits. In a
golden, hypnotic voice, he projects his will: "From now on, the world
will call me 'master'.
Submitted: Spirit of Kalhoun
684. The sable cloud engulfs the Earth as six billion people proclaim him
Lord. Pockets of resistance -- who would have guessed? Top-N-ers rebel
against his rightful reign.
Submitted: The Master
685. Rather than make a martyr of Jinxster, apparently the group's leader
and the one who knocked off Kalhoun in the first place, he devises a
much more sinister plot.
Submitted: The Master
686. "I will erase this Jinxster from history," he says to himself, "and
from all the memories of the people. Such will be a fitting revenge
for the embarrassment I have suffered at her hands."
Submitted: The Master
687. Jinxster is no more... who is no more? Never heard of her.
Submitted: The Master
688. With their leader gone and forgotten, the rebellion falls into
disarray and is destroyed. Kalhoun seems to have won. Will no one stop
this evil? Will no one stand up for righteousness!? SOYLENT GREEN IS
MADE FROM PEOPLE!!
Submitted: The Master
689. Charlton Heston becomes the Right-Hand-Man, as if Kalhoun had any
hands. Great Britain becomes a deserted wasteland, much like Hiroshima
in 1945. Kalhoun feeds off its flora and fauna, and the isle decays
into dust.
Submitted: The Master
690. The maid comes in after her fortnight's vacation to sweep up the dust.
Inadvertently she sweeps Kalhoun along with it, and tosses him in the
garbage disposal. Kalhoun becomes himself a hundredfold.
Submitted: The Master
691. Each of the Kalhouns seeks out a province to rule; Kalhoun number one
settles on Michigan. His control fragmented, however, Jinxster returns
and restirs the rebellion.
Submitted: The Master
692. All but one of the Kalhoun-shards is defeated by the Lass of London;
Kalhoun the First retains his control of Michigan.
Submitted: The Master
693. And all is as it was before.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
694. Is it safe? Can I come out yet?
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
695. Tec42 burrows out of a small cocoon made of silly string and eye
candy, stealthily hidden in /dev/null. He pauses briefly to parse a
list, traverse some trees and to carve a small home from the bones of
a hapless orangutan who had been caught in the maelstrom.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
696. Prepared once again to wander the corridors and deck the halls, he
blinks rapidly, sending whirls of data spinning into infinity. He
wonders what's for lunch.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
697. Whatever it is, he hopes it is not... 'just wafer thin'...
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
698. On the day that the four horsemen of the apocolypse rode forth but
then decided it would be better on a Teusday, the Rodent steps in from
the night which resembles pea soup only not as green, unless it is in
the month of Autumn...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
699. ...and throws the cloak of duck-beaks which hangs from his back like a
oxen in Algeria around his shoulder, revealing the silohette of a
Rat...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
700. ...only the light is coming from in front of him reflecting off his
green eyes like rubys if they were green, betraying the fire that
burns inside his soul like an ape with a metal chair...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
701. ...he has travelled over 26 hours without stop or sleep or rest, but
only if you don't count that in dog-years, for fear of the immortal
spirit of Einstien the ferret...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
702. ...and the rodent hungers for something edible although something
inedible might do in a pinch...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
703. ...but the archangel drives him to makes this journey on nothing more
than PB Crisps, Ritalin, and Coca-cola, to deliver the message to
those who have ears like a coxial cable...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
704. ..that on this, the 45th day of the 81st year of the time that Perry
the Dog did a backflip, IT IS DONE...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
705. ...and the others cower in fear although they aren't quite sure why
but feel it has something to do with Hobbes the Tiger and a great
wedge of cheese...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
706. ...and the Rat leaps up onto the great green disk like Mortimer on his
8th day of 2nd grade, and with thunderous visage, the angel of Death
sneezes...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
707. ..and where there was Rat there was nothing, but everyone just thought
it was some theatre trick...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
708. ...and the Rat walks off alone but with his own company, to the future
which would inevitably end up being just like the past like some
mobius strip suspended in a 12 ounce mug of Jello...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
709. ...and understanding of the torment is lost, for the caring don't care
and the uncaring don't really care either, except if it's bouncy...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
710. ...and the Rat weeps, but there are no tears, so you can't really call
that weeping, but the Rat weeps anyways in spite of what weeping
means....
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
711. ...his claymore lay broken next to his dreams, athough the claymore
wound be fixed when he returned home, but the dreams never would...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
712. ...and across the lazy sky which busily hurried about in a relaxed
rush, war ravenged the countless millions that existed across the vast
expance of the mind while in a rain of indigo shoelaces, binding the
universe together...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
713. ...and the Rat cannot escape the cycle which binds him like a kinky
sex scene, for his intelligence betrays his vast stupidity, which
wraps arounnd him like the spindle of the purple stopwatch...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
714. ...and so it ends, as it begun...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.shadows.and.peat.moss)
715. The world is dark, the Master has taken control of the world, but has
done so in a manner that disturbs the continuum
Submitted: The Phoenix
716. So, who better to repair the damage of the space-time continuum than
the premier arch-enemy of the master, our favority time lord, The
Doctor
Submitted: The Phoenix
717. My TARDIS lands on a darkened, Jinxster-less world. "This is not
right" I say to my unimportant companion. I sense the work of an old
foe here.
Submitted: The Doctor
718. I come upon the Master ruling the world, it is my old foe, yet it is
not. It appears that he has taken over the body and soul of Lord
Kalhoun.
Submitted: The Doctor
719. "What have you done, you fool!" He laughs in that chilling, evil way
of his..."You cannot defeat me this time, Doctor. I have destroyed
Jinxster, she never existed! HAHAAH!!!"
Submitted: The Doctor
720. He tries to zap me with his shrinking ray, but I throw my expendable
companion in the way and jump into my TARDIS.
Submitted: The Doctor
721. Little does the Master know, that one cannot defeat a time lord at his
own game. I merely go back in time and take Jinxster out of the world
seconds before the Master erases her from history.
Submitted: The Doctor
722. But my effort is in vain, I step out of my TARDIS only to confront the
greek column that the Master likes so much as his TARDIS. Secretly, I
envy he that has a working Chameleon circuit. I stand outside my
conspicious police box
Submitted: The Doctor
723. I here the Master's voice. Ha ha ha, Doctor. You are defeated at last.
I did not just remove Jinxster from the future, but from Time itself!
Submitted: The Doctor
724. He has a point there. However, I do know a bit of dimensional physics.
I step back into my time machine and set it to "sideways"
Submitted: The Doctor
725. The old bird doesn't like the strain at all, I must return to
Gallifrey to harness the power of the eye of Harmony.
Submitted: The Doctor
726. I can do it, after all, I am the president of the council. I fall
through the eye of harmony into the void of Platonic Perfect Forms
Submitted: The Doctor
727. In this place exists the archtype of all things that exist. All matter
in the physical universe is merely an imperfect copy of the perfect
form.
Submitted: The Doctor
728. In this void out of space and time I find the essense of the Jinxster,
hauntingly beautiful.
Submitted: The Doctor
729. I take her into the TARDIS, where I take her again. (heh heh). But I
cannot just put her in a universe made so she cannot exist, so I must
infuse her with the power and energy of the Eye of Harmony.
Submitted: The Doctor
730. Rassilon protect us! But it works. Jinxster is returned to the
universe to lead the rebel forces. The power of Rassilon Directed
against the Master drives him out of the body of Lord Kalhoun.
Submitted: The Doctor
731. Now, the Master defeated, I must journey onward, for he shall rise
again. A familiar grating sound arises as the TARDIS dissapears....
Submitted: The Doctor
732. A great sense of deja vu settles over the land.
Submitted: The Phoenix
733. On the day that the four horsemen of the apocolypse rode forth they
decided that Armeggedon was a boring place to go, so instead they went
to Cleveland...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
734. ...so while walking through downtown San Diego, Rat runs into the four
horsemen, which was odd, since they swore they were in Cleveland, so
they all decided to go to Denver instead...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
735. ...however Denver was closed due to a rather nasty fish-storm which
blew in from south of Reno...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
736. ...but this made little difference to them, because they all decided
to go home and watch Andy Griffith reruns... all, except the Rat, who
had different plans which happened to be hidden in a secret soviet
nuclear missle silo, but he couldn't quite remebe
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
737. ...but the Voice of the Beast called to him, and got his answering
machine, which was one of the kind that beeps a little tune at you
before you leave a message or it self-destructs with a small nuclear
explosive...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
738. On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth and
remebered they'd forgotten the columbian coffee, and went to Mexico to
jump on Juan Valdez, the Rat journeyed onward...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
739. ...after visiting Chigago, which has gone for a stroll and ended up in
Montana, the Rat swam through the swams of pixels which felt kinda
warm and fuzzy on him...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
740. ...to the place they call , however they just didn't like calling it
that, so they changed its name to ; and they liked that much better...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
741. ...and 8500 kittens spontaneously exploded at random locations, and
the Rat smiled, not quite knowing why he smiled, but thought he ought
to anyway, if only for the principle of the thing...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
742. ...and all of a sudden, the Rat knew everything, every mystery of the
universe suddenly appeared crystal sharp before his own imagination,
especially the parts involving French Guiana, but soon discovered it
was just a hit in the head from a falling Shi-T
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.ethereal.wall.of.eternity.times.three)
743. Anyone notice that Jinxster aka LSD party has gotten 666 both times it
has appeared on top-n? It is an omen.
Submitted: The Phoenix
744. #692 - #693 - Dang.
Submitted: Just Me
745. #743 - No, the real omen is that in the history book I'm using at
school, surrealism is defined on page 666. Seriously. I just noticed
it yesterday.
Submitted: Just Me
746. Once upon a time, I took a stroll down a secluded country lane. As I
walked, I realized, "Hey, this isn't just a secluded country lane."
Indeed, it was not a just a secluded country lane.
Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge)
747. My discovery was spurred when I noticed that, for a secluded country
lane, there sure were a lot of talking trees. And they weren't your
normal, run-of-the-mill talking trees, either. They spoke what sounded
like German.
Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge)
748. It then dawned on me that it was not German that they were speaking,
but Dutch, for they were Dutch Elm trees.
Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge)
749. I was at first somewhat taken aback by the prospect of Dutch-speaking
trees, but I soon got used to it, because luckily, I had taken along
my Dutch-English phrasebook.
Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge)
750. "What do you want of us?" one of the trees asked me. I quickly thumbed
through my phrasebook for key words and replied "De dankle ach alleen
bruken." The tree replied, "I really don't hope you expect me to
believe that I have a dead fish rotting in my library, though that is
what you say." I flushed with embarrasment and attempted to correct
the situation.
Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge)
751. "Auf nadel klopp rach ni auder," I replied. The tree, reacting on
sheer impulse, merely exploded in laughter, sending wood chips flying
everywhere. I was a bit upset, for I had not wanted to be caught in a
wood chip shower. Once again, I was very fortunate, for I had brought
along an umbrella, as well.
Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge)
752. I decided I had had enough for the day, so I began walking back down
the most definitely abnormal secluded country lane toward home.
Submitted: Just Me(possessor.of.the.mystical.trout.of.knowledge)
753. What, is everyone taking out their end-semester frustrations on this
list?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
754. All my work shall be drowned in the murky, stagnant tripe which you
attempt to pass off as surrealism.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
755. Soon... soon... I shall unleash a torrent upon this list such as the
world has never seen -- nor shall see again, I warrant.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
756. But yea, the chronometer showeth me that it is two o'clock ante
meridian, and I must drift into sweet somnolence ere I unveil the
Surreal Scourge.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
757. My subconscious shall prepare itself during this time, and you will
finally know the meaning of SURREAL!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
758. #754 Stagnant tripe?!?! Good Lord, Lord Kalhoun, can you not see that
your work is not being drowned, but instead, your magnificent prose
acts a nucleus for others. You create a story, others fill in the bits
you left out.
Submitted: The Phoenix
759. The story of the burning of TiGar could not be complete without her
side, an evil scheme of the Master would not be complete without the
Doctor!
Submitted: The Phoenix
760. In adding to your work, we shower thee in adulation and praise for
your fine work. If thou doth not appreciate our praise then we'll have
to start berating you harshly.
Submitted: The Phoenix
761. This list should go as one of the books that didn't make the Book Club
list.
Submitted: DoctorNurse, back in Tampa(cnurse@soleil.acomp.usf.edu)
762. #760: I... I never knew you felt that way. (sob!) Can... can you
ever... forgive me for my ruthless arrogance and paranoid delusions?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
763. I have reconsidered the Surreal Scourge, my friends. In its stead, I
shall craft for you a mighty epic of Sweet Surrealism -- Solamente
Para Ustedes.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
764. Can naught but the Gilded Apple receive the favors of the much-vaunted
Hand of Fate? Surely the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will know. I
summon them.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
765. They arrive here in San Diego unbeknownst to themselves -- they think
they are still in Cleveland. Accompanying them is a strange
cross-dressing figure... no, wait! It is the Rat in his skir... I
mean, uh, kilt.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
766. The Four Arsemen, as they are colloquially known, turn towards me. I
kneel and ask them the question: "Shall the Hand of Fate favor the
Gilded Apple forever? Or may I taste of its honor one day?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
767. The one called 'Death' turned his eyeless orbs towards me, as if
noticing me for the first time. In a deep, guttural voice he spoke
thus: "Variations on a theme, Kalhoun; the Winepress of History shall
no longer torment you."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
768. With that he vanished in a crimson blaze. "Variations on a theme?" I
wondered to myself. "Winepress of History? Rubbish. He's been drinking
again; that's what it is."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
769. Yet I could not help but think about what he had said, for it had a
certain ring of truth about it. Seven years later it began, just as he
had said: variations on a theme.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
770. Soon afterwards, an American Bicentennial flag fell from the heavens
and enveloped me. As I struggled to extricate myself from its iron
grasp, I heard the noise of a wheezing weasel.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
771. "In time", I thought, "that could become bronchitis." I flung the flag
off me and then wore it as a cape. All around me, somehow, the world
was changed. Everything seemed new and bright.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
772. I realized that the flag had been the Master, subverting me to his
evil dominion against my will. When I learned of his depradations, I
sought to repair the damage he had done.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
773. When I learned of Great Britain's annihilation, however, I tried to
stifle my laughter. "I suppose Jinxster had it coming," I chuckled.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
774. "No, no!" said the Horsemen, who had returned, "she it was who saved
you from the Master! Worry not: she still exists, though the Master
nearly destroyed her forever."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
775. He told me the grim story of the Phoenix's foolish attempt and how,
chance against chance, it succeeded. "Such a story!" I exclaimed. "But
look! E'en now the Phoenix returns!"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
776. "How there, Kalhoun!" greeted the Phoenix. "Off for another adventure,
are we? Without so much as a thank-you? I suppose I should have
expected as much."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
777. "Yes, as a matter of fact. I was just leaving in order to conquer the
Disgusting Barracuda of Madagascar," I replied. The Phoenix's eyes lit
up and he asked, "Ooh! May I come with you?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
778. "Certainly, friend. First, though, I must don a Starfleet uniform." I
metamorphosed into Captain Jean-Luc Picard. After straightening my
uniform approximately 1.2 million times so it was just right, I said
"Engage" and we left.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
779. Madagascar is a dismal place. To those who have not seen it, what can
I say to accurately describe it?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
780. It is filled with Magic Marker trees, who greeted us upon our arrival,
and every once in a while I'd apologize to a cloud of gnats for
stepping on four or five thousand of them.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
781. Other than that, the trip was uneventful; we never found the
Disgusting Barracuda. Perhaps the Rat and the Horsemen had vanquished
it already.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
782. The Phoenix needed to recharge, so we stopped in Colombia for a while.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
783. While there, seventeen armed halogen lamps began attacking us. We fled
in terror of their burning flames, in accordance with Hillsdale
College dormitory policies.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
784. I realized I had suffered a paper cut. "Pour iodine on it; it'll be
all right," said the Phoenix. Carbon-15 works better, I know now, but
at the time I was ignorant in the ways of the world and I complied.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
785. My cut kept growing and I realized it was not a cut at all: the iodine
had opened a rift in the spacetime continuum. Curiosity overwhelmed me
and I stepped inside.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
786. I looked about me and saw Big Ben! This was a parallel universe in
which England had not been turned to dust and then swept up and thrown
away... I could begin anew here!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
787. But no, this isn't my world. I step back through. Percentage-wise, the
arbitrary opulence of the grindstones is much more lovely here.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
788. What is that I see in the distance? It's the Four Horsemen again, and
the Rat. How I wish they would leave me alone. The Rat throws a Shi-T
at me, and I realize he meant to throw a Shi-Tzu.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
789. Completely underwhelmed, I join them in their new quest to overthrow
the carnivorous earthworms of Afghanistan.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
790. As we reached the outer plateau, a herdsman gave us the standard
Afghan greeting: "May the sands of a thousand deserts never blow in
your face."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
791. Touched by his warm, friendly salutation, I replied in like kind: "May
your ears grow the wax for a thousand hives." Seeing that we were
friends, he invited us in for dinner.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
792. "May your nose hairs grow long and flowing as a thousand strands of
spaghetti," greeted his wife as we entered their tent. Such a friendly
couple.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
793. For dinner we were served the very best of Afghan cuisine: hamburgers
and French fries with a side of yak's liver.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
794. We spent eighteen weeks in their tent, eating all their food and
making love to their daughters. And to their sons, in the Phoenix's
case. The Rat was content to sit and watch.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
795. After we had eaten all the food and the friendly family and their tent
stakes, we set out to find the carnivorous earthworms. We first saw a
half-eaten fishing pole, and we knew the earthworms must be nearby.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
796. "They have seen us!" cried the Phoenix, and he screamed like a little
girl and ran in terror. Turns out they hadn't seen us, but they did
see him and they ate him.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
797. Of course, this was the plan all along, for the Phoenix's eternal
flame burst forth and consumed the earthworms.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
798. We congratulated him but avoided clapping him on the back because he
was still covered in yet-unburnt earthworm stomach acid.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
799. We feasted on the charred earthworm entrails for months, it seemed,
until one day in the following June we discovered we had been eating
the remains of the Great Outhouse War of 1979.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
800. After drinking several times our body weight in water and Coca-cola to
cleanse our bodies of the unremitting filth, we trekked on and
ventured into Siberia, where they were having a warm snap.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
801. Only 40 degrees below zero -- quite balmy for Siberia in June. We
traveled back a million years in time, crossed the Asia-America land
bridge, and traveled back to the present.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
802. Back in North America, the home of all civilized people, we walked for
eight years and came eventually to Phoenix, Arizona. The Phoenix
declared himself Absolutely, Positively, Total and Complete Dictator,
owing to his name.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
803. The metro area's population from that day to the next dropped from 4
million to twenty-six -- twenty-five who had not heard the news and
the Phoenix himself.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
804. The next year, coincidentally, Mexico greatly restricted immigration
from the United States.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
805. Arizona's population dropped below the requirement of 50,000 to become
a state, and thereby lost its statehood. I ripped a star off my cape
in recognition of the newer, better Union.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
806. That done, I could safely return to Michigan and continue as
benevolent ruler. The Rat had challenged me but was now hanging around
with the Four Arsemen and was too busy to rule.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
807. As I sat back down in my throne, I reflected on the past events.
"Strange how it always seems to return to this point," I mused. I
sipped a mug of hot grape soda and turned on "Star Trek".
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
808. Suddenly, through the palace doors burst a messenger. He read, "The
Phoenix, the Rat, and the Arsemen... er, Horsemen, require your
assistance to conquer the teething loquacious lemmings!"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
809. Will it never end?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
810. Suddenly something else happened. I'm not quite sure what, but I know
that It happened.
Submitted: The Phoenix
811. I left the lemmings for Kalhoun, knowing that he wasn't really needed
anyway, for they would all just run into Lake Michigan on their own.
Submitted: The Phoenix
812. I left to get a hamburger from McDonalds. Along the way I stopped to
kick a rock. But it was not a rock, it was a slumbering Horta. "Hmmm,
I could use a horta" I said to myself. But I continued onward.
Submitted: The Phoenix
813. I wore an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time.
Submitted: The Phoenix
814. I contemplated the adventures of Kalhoun and got a headache. Not
knowing whether it be from the strain and confusion or Amanda
struggling to break free from my skull (I had swallowed her some time
back) I went home to sleep, perchance to dream.
Submitted: The Phoenix
815. On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth, but
decided it was such a lovely day, and it would be so much better to
play a nice game of scrabble, the Rat jumped into his Ford Tempo and
rode his bike to Hillsdale, or Detroit, whichever
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.which.is.a.door)
816. ...and the Rat found Kalhoun in a great state of shock, but that was
okay, it was Teusday, and we were having gravy for dinner...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.which.is.a.door)
817. ...But the gravy was not present, so we had to catch the floating
yams, or else suffer the fate of Alderaan...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.which.is.a.door)
818. ...But the Captain Janeway shot the yams with a glorified chub, which
is a type of fish for all of you with spotted underware, and the Rat
decided to leave...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.which.is.a.door)
819. this list doesn't make sense, then again this is probally the whole
point. Might as well go with the flow.
Submitted: Justice
820. THIS LIST HAS BEEN HIJACKED BY THE INTERNET CENSORSHIP BERAU, PLEASE
STAND BY FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION.
Submitted: Justice
821. I control the verticle, I control the horizontal. Who controls the
diagonal? I do not know for I am only two three dimensional.
Submitted: Justice
822. Dont you mean Bureau?
Submitted: The Phoenox
823. the ug ui mona
Submitted: THe Hoenidao
824. Andra moi ennepe mousa polutropon os mala polla/ plangthe epei Troieis
hieron ptoliethron eperse/ polloen d'anthroepoen iden astea kai noon
egnoe/ polla d'ag'en pontoe pathen algea hoen kata thumoen.
Submitted: TiGar
825. Tell me, oh muse, of the man of many devices. No, wait, that would be
Ron Popeil, inventor of the infomercial and disturber of many a good
night in front of the television.
Submitted: TiGar
826. Instead, oh muse, tell me of that man, worthy of many epithets, the
creator of Top-N, who, battling many foes and suffering many woes and
stepping on many toes and listening to Counting Crows and... where was
I? Oh, yes... who traveled across the wine-dar
Submitted: TiGar
827. wine-dark sea (what if the sea really became wine? I'm guessing there
would be a great emigration to the coasts) returning to his homeland,
and his significant other, and any offspring, a few pets, and a credit
card debt the size of Massachusets.
Submitted: TiGar
828. That's why he ran away in the first place, although he said it was a
business trip. After awhile, his S.O. got bored and started chatting
on the internet, and soon was participating in *CENSORED* with many a
man (or woman, or adrogynous thing, since you n
Submitted: TiGar
829. He got sidetracked on his way home. There was that little tropical
island, and then gambling in Las Vegas (where he also visited a few
shows with his buds, including one with a hypnotist; a few of them got
tricked into believing they were pigs). Then ther
Submitted: TiGar
830. 828: never really know). She knew he would probably find out and then
throw the computer out the window, but she figured it was his fault
since he got her addicted to the net in the first place.
Submitted: TiGar
831. 829: there was that great party where they got so high they couldn't
remember where they were supposed to be going.
Submitted: TiGar
832. He eventually did make it home. To the surprise of his S.O., after
hearing about her virtual escapades, he didn't seem upset at all. In
fact, he immediately logged on, saying he wanted to show her something
that would be better than any previous net exper
Submitted: TiGar
833. experience. "I was in this cave, surfing with my laptop and cellular
when I came up with the greatest idea. You know those top-ten lists
that abound everywhere? Well, _I_ have found a more addictive form. It
will tear families apart; students will fail cl
Submitted: TiGar
834. classes because of it; it will bring the most senseless, ridiculous,
useless, mindless, surreal pleasure ever known to man or machine. It
is... TOP-N!"
Submitted: TiGar
835. ...and so Dragonlady walked/flew to the front of the auditorium. And
stood not 60.4185 inches from HIM. And HE looked at her and she gazed
upon HIM. And so it came that our Lord, David Bowie, threw .5 dozen
Beanie Babies at her. Casting her down though she caught a Garcia...
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
836. ...Lady Artist Minotaur took this a sign, a grave sign of times to
come. Filled with much shouting and yelling, cameras, and police. And
so she trembled, for in her heart she knew that there are no Beanie
Bowies...
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
837. And so Dragonlady became Raquel Welch, and so her clothing
disintigrated...and though she hoped to shuffle off that mortal coil,
she learned to be a part of society...
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
838. And so, no longer nude...she came upon Rat, who promised to take her
to HIM, but Rat was engrossed in video pleasures and so they knew
eachother not for many more years...
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
839. And then came the day of silk and lace and holey matrimony. James Bond
was to be her bride, but she bit the strawberries in half and asked to
have the best Rat instead, though she no not why...
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
840. #682: Why would I be fearing a cannabis-induced haze? Surely, know ye
not that I formed from the smoke of the Holy Weed? Like Aphrodite from
the foam, so I am Jinxster of the Hash Smoke.
Submitted: Jinxster
841. #678: Reaching deep inside, I discover the angrywhite presence,
feeding off me like the thing from Alien. Not wishing to suffer
Sigourney Weaver's fate, I walk to the still waters of Lake Erie.
Dark, silent, cold, they ripple before me. I allow myself to sink deep
beneath their depths, into the primeval waters beneath that underlie
all the Earth.
Submitted: Jinxster
842. Carried through the dark secret channels, I sink into a trancelike
state and let my mind close down for winter. I see and hear the voices
of my past calling to me, my parents warning me not to seek my
drug-induced origins, my teachers telling me I had to conform, my
friends laughingly naming me Jinxster, and that fateful day as I laid
eyes on the realm called Top-N.
Submitted: Jinxster
843. Deep inside the earth now, I feel the purifying waters wash around me
and inside of me. The angrywhitecontamination screams in pain as it
freezes then shatters. The waters wash the remains away. I float on,
and watch as my physical form, forever stained with the angrywhiteness
leaves the water for the fire. Thrown into the molten core of the
earth, my body is destroyed, but my soul flies free.
Submitted: Jinxster
844. In the water again, I'm pure now, bubbling up through underground
streams until I find myself in a great river. The mighty Thames
carries me in it's arms, carrying me home to London Town. As I pass
the city, past Kingston, past Richmond, past Battersea, past Chelsea,
and cruising under Waterloo Bridge, I leave the river and rise above.
Back where I started, I'm on the riverbank. Down by the river are some
tramps smoking hash. In the flame of their addiction, I am reborn. The
smoke rises up and I take my new form from it, much like the old one,
but stronger, sweeter, untouched. Alive, I run through the Streets of
London. "Three hundred entries of hurt never stopped me dreaming! I'm
coming home, I'm coming home, Jinxster's coming home!" my joyful
refrain.
Submitted: Jinxster
845. #743: No omen. The preceding 60 or so entries were also typed by me
each time. Such is my desire to harness the dark forces.
Submitted: Jinxster
846. #753 - #757: Kalhoun, why such hatred in one so young? Your surreal
skill is not in doubt. Nor has it ever been. Feel the love of your
fellow Top-Ners. Let us all gather round and hug him, let him know we
care. PHOENIX TAKE YOUR HAND OFF MY BACKSIDE RIGHT NOW!!! Some people
will insist on abusing my good nature!
Submitted: Jinxster
847. #844 contd: But I look about me. This is not the fair city I know so
well! This is not the fair Isle of Albion in which I came to being and
which gave me my life!
Submitted: Jinxster
848. I find myself in a parallel dimension, for the England of my own world
has been annihilated, and I have been erased from history, by the one
they call Kalhoun, Sith Lord of Michigan, Jedi of the Dark Side.
Submitted: Jinxster
849. #848 contd: I am in a higher dimension. Purified and reborn, I have
been returned to that world of which ours is but a pale shadow. This
is the perfect England, the perfect London, and I am the perfect
Jinxster. (No other kind, is there?)
Submitted: Jinxster
850. Erased from history by the machinations of Kalhoun, I am now forced to
return here. Part of me longs to stay forever, but I know I must get
back there. My homeland in ruins, and the dull, drug-free, celibate
morality of Kalhoun's rule is something that cannot be allowed to
continue. The spirit of hedonism that is the Jinxster must bring life
back to the barren land.
Submitted: Jinxster
851. But how? How am I to enter a world where I cannot exist? The answer
comes as a familiar icon from my childhood reasserts itself. A police
box materialises beside me and out steps the one who rules time and
space, the Doctor. Grabbing his autograph, and telling him I used to
love his show, I ask if I can have a ride in the Tardis, before
swiftly having to add "Not THAT sort of ride!". Sylvester McCoy was
never like this...
Submitted: Jinxster
852. After infusing me with the power of the Eye of Harmony, I am returned
to the Kalhoun-world. As I step out into the open air, the cold still
darkness is disturbed by a warm breeze as the clouds roll back and the
sunshine warms the deprived Earth. As the light shines through, plants
begin to grow once more, springing up like Zebedee on acid, and life
returns once more to England. Britain rises up from the sea, and my
homeland is restored.
Submitted: Jinxster
853. Far away in Michigan, Kalhoun feels the presence of life, joy and
happiness. Screaming in agony as he feels it disrupt the Force and
undo the doublehelix twisting he's inflicted. The earth shakes, the
clouds roll back, and life spreads out everywhere.
Submitted: Jinxster
854. #851 Sylvester McCoy, No...But Colin Baker quite possibly. Besides,
with each passing regeration without my precious Zero Room© I grow
more and more unstable.
Submitted: The Doctor
855. #846 Wasn't MY hand!
Submitted: The Phoenix
856. (Ahem) Excuse me, let me rephrase that with proper emphasis. That
wasn't my HAND.
Submitted: The Phoenix
857. I awake in confusion, in darkness. I speak out, "Hello?" My voice
echoes, as if I'm in a great cavern, or perhaps an auditorium.
Suddenly a spotlight shines on the center of the room.
Submitted: The Phoenix
858. A drumroll sounds. A voice from nowhere shouts
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Mike!" A man in his mid twenties steps into
the light. "I am Mike Bray" He says.
Submitted: The Phoenix
859. I hear voices around me. "Mike?" "Mike Bray!" "Top-N god!" I realize I
am not alone in the auditorium.
Submitted: The Phoenix
860. Ladies and Gentlemen! And Aliens" He says, nodding to an unspecified
corner of the room. "I have brought you here to meet each other.
Whether it be for good or evil, it is for you to discover...
Submitted: The Phoenix
861. The lights go on and Bray dissapears. I am in an auditorium with about
50 or so other people. "50? I thought there'd be fewer" I say. Some 12
year old nerd looks at me and asks "Who are you?" I ignore him,
waiting to reveal myself when I know more.
Submitted: The Phoenix
862. I look around, but I recognize no one. Wait! The Redhead, if the nose
were a bit larger, Why yes! It's Sarah S-J, the butt of many a joke
upon the net.
Submitted: The Phoenix
863. "Wot the Bloody 'ell's goin' on 'ear?" Shouts a woman's voice. I turn
around, and standing before me is the British lass, dressed all in
black and more beautiful then a spring Rose. This must be Jinxster.
Submitted: The Phoenix
864. Tearing my gaze away from her, I notice that the michigan group has
found each other. I assume it is them because one holds a riding crop,
and another wears a kilt.
Submitted: The Phoenix
865. I look around, and hear a harsh, angry voice from behind me. "YOU!
BITCH! C'MERE!!" I whirl around in time to avoid being knocked over by
awm chasing some girl.
Submitted: The Phoenix
866. After a bit, most of the regulars find each other and mill about
confusedly. The Eternal, a handsome, wise looking character looks
about and asks "Has anyone seen the Phoenix?, He may be calling
himself ReedMan"
Submitted: The Phoenix
867. A 14 year old pimply faced nerd walks up to Jinxster and says, rather
laciviously "so, you're Jinxster" "And you are?" she asks annoyed.
"I'm the Phoenix, but you can call me Hot Cheeks."
Submitted: The Phoenix
868. Bitch, Dragonlady, TiGar and Amanda, all nearby giggle. "Sounds like
him" "Randy as hell" "I dunno, I thought he'd be older"
Submitted: The Phoenix
869. Jinxster glares at the impostor. "YOU are the imfamous Phoenix?"
Before the cretin can reply, I smash a chair over his head. As he
laspes into unconsciousness, he mumbles "Eat Beef"
Submitted: The Phoenix
870. I look at Jinxster and wink sophisticatedly "How do you do, Phoenix at
your service" She looks at me and begins to laugh
Submitted: The Phoenix
871. Later on, Wolfie muses "How are we going to get out of here?" Just Me,
a spunky little fellow, pipes up in his breaking voice "Has anyone
tried the door?"
Submitted: The Phoenix
872. "There is no door" intones The Eternal ominously. "Oh drat!" Grumbles
psychobaby. Dragonlady gets bored and begins beating Rat with her
riding crop. He sighs "Not again!"
Submitted: The Phoenix
873. "There's ALWAYS a way out" I say. I have a sudden flash of
inspiration. "Computer end Program"
Submitted: The Phoenix
874. Suddenly we are revealed to be in the holoduck on the enterprise. I
walk out the door and invite the others to come along.
Submitted: The Phoenix
875. Dragonlady strides purposfully out, only to dissapear. It appears that
some of us are only creations of the holodeck but there is no way to
know for sure.
Submitted: The Phoenix
876. One by one they exit the room and one by one they dissappear. TiGar,
Rat, Just Me,Lord Kalhoun,Psychobaby, Alacorn, Crimson HellKite,
Wolfie, Timm,Mad Max, Bogey, Sirius
Submitted: The Phoenix
877. Bytch,Jinxster,Sarah S-J, Dangerman, ReidMan, CWN, TDNA,
DoctorNurse,F/L Canuck ,The Aliens, Smelly Kat, Flowerchild all gone.
Submitted: The Phoenix
878. Soon only awm remains inside. "Come out, are you afraid?" He looks at
me "I am afraid of nothing" but hesitates before stepping through
Submitted: The Phoenix
879. He does not disappear. "Just my luck." I say and grab the turkish
sword from my sock and slice his head off.
Submitted: The Phoenix
880. A 5 tonne wieght falls on my head and everything goes black. I wake up
in my own bed. Wondering at the strange dream, I go to log onto top-n
but it is not there. It's as if the site never existed.
Submitted: The Phoenix
881. Their names are gone from my address book, the site gone from my
bookmarks. "Strange" I remark.
Submitted: The Phoenix
882. Suddenly, all memory of top-n purges itself from my mind. I am not who
I thought I was. I am an English handmaiden in the 14th century to
Peter the Great and his evil minion Barney.
Submitted: The Phoenix
883. Such is the way that life crumbles the cookies and turns the milk
sour.
Submitted: The Phoenix
884. On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth, and
decided it was a good time for tea and scones, and feasted on the
flesh of many apples, the Rat had a revelation...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.your.knowledge)
885. And the Rat speaketh...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.your.knowledge)
886. "Then I saw him open one of the seven seals, and I heard one of the
four living creatures call out, as with a voice of thunder, 'Come!'
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
887. "I looked, and there was a white horse! It's rider had a bow; a crown
was given to him, and he came out conquering and to conquer.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
888. "When he opened the second seal, I heard the second living creature
call out, 'Come!'
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
889. "And out came another horse, bright red; its rider was permitted to
take peace from the earth, so that people would slaughter one another;
and he was given a great sword.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
890. "When he opened the third seal, I heard the third living creature call
out, 'Come!' I looked, and there was a black horse!
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
891. "Its rider held a pair of scales in his hand, and I heard what seemed
to be a voice in the midst of the four living creatures saying, 'A
quart of wheat for a day's pay, and three quarts of barely, but do not
damage the olive oil or the wine!'
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
892. "When he opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth
living creature call out, 'Come!' I looked and there was a pale green
horse!
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
893. "Its rider's name was Death, and Hades followed with him; they were
given authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword,
famine, and pestilence, and by the wild animals of the earth.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
894. "When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of
those who had been slaughteredfor the word of God anmd for the
testimony they had given;
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
895. "...they cried out with a loud voice, '...how long will it be before
you judge and avenge our blood on the inhabitants of the earth?'
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
896. "They were given a white robe and told to rest a little longer, until
the number would be complete both of their fellow servents and of
their brothers and sisters, who were soon to be killed as they
themselves had been killed.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
897. "When he opened the sixth seal, I looked, and there came a great
earthquake; the sun became black as sackcloth, the moon became like
blood,
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
898. "and the stars of the sky fell to the earth as the fig tree drops its
winter fruit when shaken by a gale.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
899. "The sky vanished like a scroll rolling itself up, and every mountain
and island was removed from its place."
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
900. Then the Rat took a little break for three years, and continued...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
901. "A great portent appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun,
with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
902. "She was pregnant and was crying out in birthpangs, in agony of giving
birth.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
903. "Then another potent appeared in heaven: a great red dragon, with
seven heads and ten horns, and seven diadems on his heads.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
904. "His tail swept down a third of the stars of heaven and threw them to
earth.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
905. "Then the dragon stood before the woman who was about to bear a child,
so that he might devour her child as soon as it was born.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
906. "And she gave birth to a son, a male child, who is to rule all the
nations with a rod of iron.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
907. "But her child was snatched away and taken to Go and to his throne;
and the woman fled to the wilderness, where she has a place prepared
by God, so that there she can be nourished for 1260 days.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
908. "... So when the dragon saw that he had been thrown down to earth, he
pursued the woman who had given birth to the male child.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
909. "But the woman was given the wings of the great eagle, so that she
could fly from the serpent into the wilderness, to her place where she
is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time."
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
910. And the Rat took another rest for .359 milliseconds, and feeling much
more refreshed, continued...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
911. ".... And they assembled them at the place that in Hebrew is called
Armeggedon.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
912. "And the seventh angel poured forth his bowl into the air, and a loud
voice came out of the temple, from the throne, saying, 'It Is Done!'"
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
913. Then the Rat, feeling quite tired now, closed the book which is the
most surreal book of the book of books, and decided to sit down, so he
jumped.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
914. ".... And they assembled them at the place that in Hebrew is called
Armeggedon.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
915. "And the seventh angel poured forth his bowl into the air, and a loud
voice came out of the temple, from the throne, saying, 'It Is Done!'"
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
916. Then the Rat, feeling quite tired now, closed the book which is the
most surreal book of the book of books, and decided to sit down, so he
jumped.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.the.apocolypse)
917. And landed in a field of green...where clouds about swirled like faces
gazing down upon the mint jelly covered rose clutched in the teeth of
a passing koala. "What a beautiful and calm place, for a little
respite from the apocalypse." thought the Rat to himself.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
918. And so he found a soft clump of green green water and decided to float
in it while trying to figure out just what the clouds were saying. And
so Rat removed that item of Bruce tarten, laid his blades on the grass
and slowly entered the warm green liquid.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
919. "AAAaahhhh." Moaned Rat. As the water washed away all aches and pains
generated by cruel finals and long, hard papers. He laid back, closed
his eyes, and floated on the surface of that warm liquid.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
920. Opening his eyes once more, he notices the aforementioned koala
perched on the bank nearby, rose still clutched in its teeth. "Hi
there. You're a cute little fellow." Rat is overcome by the
cuddlieness of the little fellow and begins to swim over. When a lance
flies through the air and impales the marsupial! Its dying screams are
drowmed out by a triumphant shout from behind. "LUNCH TIME!!"
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
921. Rat swivels around to find a tall lady minotaur and a female dragon on
the opposite bank. The dragoness is stroking his claymore, and the
minotaur is smirking at him, her hoof planted on his kilt.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
922. Do the two horrendous creatures dare to watch the Rat bathe? Braver
eyes than mine would quail at such a sight. The very thought turns my
stomach and ties it into a square knot and several Don Knotts.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
923. It turns out they were merely on a panty-raid and, seeing the Rat's
kilt, naturally assumed the bather to be female.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
924. Upon seeing the Rat's skeletal frame, however, the minotaur and dragon
fled in terror.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
925. At that moment a new figure appeared in the idyllic wasteland; from
the eerie flame and intoxicating aroma I can only assume it was the
Phoenix.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
926. I couldn't see clearly, you understand; my eyes were still in pain
from seeing the Rat.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
927. After looking around for a bit, and smashing a chair over some
unfortunate's head, he shouted out, "Computer, end program!"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
928. Suddenly all the scenery disappeared. One by one, as they left the
holodeck, they turned and saw the naked Rat, and immediately
disintegrated from the shock and horror.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
929. Soon it was my turn to exit the twin metal doors, but I was quicker
than most! "Picard to bridge," I spoke quietly into my communicator,
"beam me to the bridge on my signal."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
930. I walked out and, without turning to my death as the others before and
after me, I said very quietly, "now."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
931. The ignorant fools! They had no idea that a transporter had whisked me
away. I had a plan, however, to keep the program running.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
932. "Only let's make it more interesting this time, Number One," I said to
Riker, "Let's make this Phoenix character really miserable."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
933. So we changed the program without his knowledge, as he was merely an
experiment in artificial computer intelligence designed by good Ensign
Crusher.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
934. We shifted him back to what we made him think was his own room, but
without the entertainment luxury we had afforded it before, called
"Top-M" or something.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
935. Then, we gave Wesley a really ripping new experiment for the subject
program: a random setting generator to really confuse it!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
936. Strangely, it seemed not to really care; it just kept on smoking some
sort of plant leaves. We must note this in our report.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
937. End captain's log, stardate 50235.4
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I(kalhoun@geocities.com)
938. #933 Crusher!?!?!? That whining, upstaging, prepubescent,
look-at-me-I'm-so-special-I've-gone-to-higher-planes, fool!?!?! Oh you
bastard!! You cruel cruel bastard!!
Submitted: The Phoenix
939. After several days of randomly switching between rather odd settings,
I began to realize that something was amiss. So that night, as I
pretended to sleep, I saw an eerie sight. A door opened on the cave
wall ( I was in a paleolithic setting) and a short
Submitted: The Phoenix
940. It looked to make sure I was asleep then said to a door panel,
"Computer, activate Random Environment Program Crusher 3 Theta Alpha
Epilon Pi Gamma Gamma Gamma 1 3 4 mü sigma 4. Suddenly I was somewhere
else.
Submitted: The Phoenix
941. I was in a desert "Arrakis" said the wind.So I wandered around,
avoiding wierding modules and worms until nightfall when the evil
thing would come again
Submitted: The Phoenix
942. Not remembering the full access code (The Crusher had been smart to
make it so long) I would have to be quick on my feet.
Submitted: The Phoenix
943. I tensed myself to action. When the Crusher came to activate it's
program, it neglected to make sure I was asleep, so sure it was of
success.
Submitted: The Phoenix
944. As he exited, I jumped up and quickly put my foot in the door and took
a look at the program
Submitted: The Phoenix
945. "Simple enough to change" I said to myself, I would not escape, but I
would beat the Chrusher at his own game. I reset the program using a
Star Trek VCR tape that i found in my hat.
Submitted: The Phoenix
946. Satisfied that I could create a situation which I would win, I slept.
Submitted: The Phoenix
947. I was awakened by the sound of fighting in the corridor, I looked and
saw klingons and humans fighting. I also saw a poorly rendered glowing
thing in the corner. I laughed at it and it went away.
Submitted: The Phoenix
948. Trelane made me play on his planet, but I shot his mirror and he went
away. I played Charlie X at chess and let him win, afterwards I found
no melted peices.
Submitted: The Phoenix
949. Growing tired of defeating bad actors in a poorly budgeted show, I
walked out of the holodeck to face the Crusher
Submitted: The Phoenix
950. "Hey!, YOu aren't supposed to be here!" He whined. I stuck a orange in
his mouth and slapped him with a trout. He ran off to whine to his
mother.
Submitted: The Phoenix
951. I went to the bridge, Picard was not there but Riker just grinned
stupidly at me, Data said "Fascinating", Geordi adjusted his visor and
Troi adjusted her cleavage.
Submitted: The Phoenix
952. I inquired as to the wherabouts of Picard. "I sense he is in the Ready
Room,oops! excuse me!" Said Troi, as her left breast popped out.
Submitted: The Phoenix
953. I looked at her, "You should wear more clothing" I said to her. "Dont
speak to my Imzadi in that manner!" Said Riker as he blocked my way to
the ready room. I pointed, "Look! An Orion Slave Girl!"
Submitted: The Phoenix
954. He whirled around, "Where?!" As I slipped past him into the ready
room. What I found there was not a site for those who would wish to
keep a sound mind. I had lost mine long ago and had no such worries
Submitted: The Phoenix
955. It was Picard, but no Picard I knew, it was not bald, the hair was so
natty that I figured it must be a touppé
Submitted: The Phoenix
956. I thought it was Kirk for a moment, but Kirk never wore a flannel
dishrag. Kirk also never stood laughing evilly and speaking to a
goldfish.
Submitted: The Phoenix
957. "Hee hee hee, I've defeated him! I've won! He'll never get out of this
one!" The childish glee was interesting and I watched bemused.
Submitted: The Phoenix
958. Nice.."Kilt" I said to him, pointing at what was obviously a tattered
dishrag. He stopped and looked at me, disdain dripped from his voice
and stained the carpet. "It was that demented woman, she stole it, she
stole my kilt!"
Submitted: The Phoenix
959. "But you dont even wear a Kilt, the Rat does" I say to him. He looked
at me and said "Shut up, it's surreal" Perhaps I am Rat, perhaps I am
Kalhoun, perhaps I am both.
Submitted: The Phoenix
960. For a moment my head realed but then I realized what was happening.
"You wont defeat me with such metaphysical talk!" I say. "Oh drat"
said he.
Submitted: The Phoenix
961. There is no cheese here.
Submitted: The Phoenix
962. INTERMISSION
Submitted: The Phoenix
963. It was a warp bubble, trapping us both in a stable universe created by
the twisted whims and desires of the Lord Kalhoun. As I realized that,
the microuniverse responded to my thoughts and presented a way out.
Submitted: The Phoenix
964. "Fine leave!" He said, I can create another you! It's my universe!
MINE!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
Submitted: The Phoenix
965. "Oh no" I said to him, you are having entirely too much fine in here.
I'm taking you back with me" "Never!" he shouted "Over my dead body!"
"If necessary" I mused.
Submitted: The Phoenix
966. I turned into the Phoenix and gripped the reluctant passenger in my
talons. I flung us both into the real world, but in the passageway
between realities, the temporal vortexes lessened my control over the
situation
Submitted: The Phoenix
967. As I lost the form of a phoenix, I transferred my momentum control to
his body and flung him to his home in Michigan. I reasoned he could do
no further harm in the land that imprisoned him.
Submitted: The Phoenix
968. Having controlled his landing point, I now had no control over my own.
I knew not where I would land, but I worried myself more with taunting
the poor bastard
Submitted: The Phoenix
969. Before he fell out of range, I shouted after him, "Have fun writing
your papers!" The last thing I heard before losing consciousness was
his shouting. "I'll get yoooooooo..."
Submitted: The Phoenix
970. I awoke sometime later to find myself on a couch in an unknown locale.
Submitted: The Phoenix
971. A women walked into the room. "Up are ya guvner? I found some frozen
kippers in the fridge, if ya feel like eatin'" "Where am I?" i asked.
Submitted: The Phoenix
972. "Ye 'ave a real bender last night? I found ye asleep on my porch when
I got back from the pub las' night, I put ye on the couch"
Submitted: The Phoenix
973. Suddenly I realized that I had been thrown to Jinxster's house. As I
filled her in on the battle, she chuckled appreciatively
Submitted: The Phoenix
974. " 'e never stops, that tosspot" "I never stop either" I say. But
she'll have none of that "Get out of my house!" I leave.
Submitted: The Phoenix
975. Suddenly I realize that I am in the middle of England with no idea how
to get home and no holodeck to turn to this time.
Submitted: The Phoenix
976. I walk to Dangerman's place but he's no help. All he can do is make
jokes about Ring of Fires and big noses and complain about his aching
arms.
Submitted: The Phoenix
977. So I walk to the BBC studios to look for the TARDIS. I find it in an
old storage room. As I enter, I am greeted by the Doctor.
Submitted: The Phoenix
978. "I know you" He says. "Yes, I've called upon your services before to
help defeat Kalhoun/Master and restore the Jinxster to this earth.
Submitted: The Phoenix
979. "Yes, has Kalhoun once again terrorized the earth?" "Yes, but I
defeated him fine enough, but now I just need to get home." "Easier
said that done, you know how the TARDIS is on short hops"
Submitted: The Phoenix
980. I knew only too well, but took the chance anyway. On the first try, he
got the location right, but the time was 30000 years in the future.
"This wont do" I said. "try again"
Submitted: The Phoenix
981. Keeping the locale the same, we went backwards in time we went several
million years too far. We were in ocean because at this time all the
land was Pangea on the opposite side of the globe
Submitted: The Phoenix
982. Let's try again. I knew that I wouldn't be getting out of this soon
Submitted: The Phoenix
983. So, after several tries, and several adventures, during which the
doctor and I defeated the Daleks, Cybermen, Silurians and the Master,
I finally returned home
Submitted: The Phoenix
984. As the TARDIS left, I heard a familiar voice from the corner.
Submitted: The Phoenix
985. Who is it?
Submitted: The Phoenix
986. Why was he here?
Submitted: The Phoenix
987. What did he want?
Submitted: The Phoenix
988. It was Kalhoun.
Submitted: The Phoenix
989. He had accepted defeat but wanted revenge for the final insult I had
sallied upon him
Submitted: The Phoenix
990. Defeat was bitter enough without the cruel reminder of school!
Submitted: The Phoenix
991. But no more cruel than using Wesley Crusher to torment me
Submitted: The Phoenix
992. He agreed at that, "But I still must destroy you"
Submitted: The Phoenix
993. I hit him with a sock. "Sorry, Homey dont play that"
Submitted: The Phoenix
994. He was dumbfounded
Submitted: The Phoenix
995. I said, annoyed "Are you still here?"
Submitted: The Phoenix
996. I hit him with a salmon and that got him to leave. I turned into a
phoenix to hasten his return home. As I dropped him in mIchigan, he
was annoyed.
Submitted: The Phoenix
997. Some people can be so ungrateful
Submitted: The Phoenix
998. The pencil sharpener will not sharpen your wits, and does not do
anything for thinning hair
Submitted: The Phoenix
999. Limits are necessary
Submitted: The Phoenix
1000.1000!!! It's all mine! Such a thing has not happened since the
pre-pruning paintball list! And this list is all good! NO pruning will
be here!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1001."I knew it." Phoenix turns to find Dragonlady behind him. "When I
logged off yesterday, my Rat/Dragonlady/Lady Artist Minotaur sequence
unfinished, I knew that I would come back to find just enough entries
to hit 1000."
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
1002."Well congratulations. I think that this special occasion requires a
special celebration. Unpack my bags!" Dragonlady gestures to several
large black leather bags sitting nearby. Her voice compels Phoenix to
obey her every command.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
1003.He mentally takes stock of the items as he unpacks, and wonders just
what sort of celebration Dragonlady has in mind. Riding crop, jalapeno
chocolate sauce, Bowie cds, handcuffs, whips, various items of leather
clothing, feathers, flails, soft sable paintbrushes...
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
1004.#1000: Congrats, oh surreal master. But I see the preceding entries
also came from your fertile mind. Proving that, like me, you'll do
anything to be the one to hit a certain number in any given list.
Verily, thou art a sad individual.
Submitted: Jinxster
1005.I feel I must complain about your depiction of my voice though. I do
not talk like Dick Van Dyke's mother, contrary to popular belief. My
accent is the height of respectability. When I want it to be.
Submitted: Jinxster
1006.But on with my surreal sequence. Continuing where I left off, from
#853 or thereabouts. (You'll like this one! Especially you, Dangerman.
And Kalhoun, you'll love the ending.)
Submitted: Jinxster
1007.He screams in terror. "NOOOO!!!! You're destroyed!!! You can't be
here!!!" I just laugh. "You will never defeat me. Learn to live with
me, you might as well. Give in, you might enjoy it." I giggle like an
innocent child as love and life begin to take him.
Submitted: Jinxster
1008.Riding down from Bournemouth, the home of all that is Satanic, I see
the Four Arsemen of the Apocalypse, each riding on a thorough bred
pedigree arse. Led by Dangerman, accompanied by his three faithful
lieutenants, Housemate Mark, Sarah S-J, and One Other Bloke Who We
Just Dragged In Off The Street To Make Up The Numbers.
Submitted: Jinxster
1009."Are you come to bring about the end of the world and all within it?"
I ask Dangerman. "Er, no, we're just going to kick in that Kalhoun
tosser." "Oh. Right. Fair enough. I'll, er, leave you to get on with
it then, shall I?"
Submitted: Jinxster
1010.They speed their merry way across the Atlantic and come across Kalhoun
making his last defiant stand by the side of Lake Erie. "You cannot
destroy me!!", he screams, foaming at the mouth in a way vaguely
reminiscent of Margaret Thatcher in full swing. "You don't frighten
me!!!" "We may not, but this lot will." Dangerman chuckles. "Housemate
Mark, Sarah S-J, Other Bloke, bring me the secret weapon!!"
Submitted: Jinxster
1011.Kalhoun quails as a ghettoblaster and a CD bearing a horrific sight on
the sleeve are produced from out of nowhere. "No!!! Not that!!!
Anything but that!!!" "Oh yes!!" gloats the posterior-riding one. "For
your crimes against humanity, namely the forbidding of beer, drugs,
sex for any purpose other than children, transvestitism.. er, not that
we indulge in that in any way, of course not, robbing us of warmth and
sunlight and perhaps worst of all, wearing white socks with grey
flannel suits, there can be only one punishment! You have to face the
awesome, omnipotent power of..... THE SPICE GIRLS!!!!!!"
Submitted: Jinxster
1012.Laughing manically as Kalhoun howls in pain and rage, Dangerman hits
the play button and the strains of 'Wannabe' hit the air. Writhing in
agony, frothing at the mouth, Kalhoun twists as the awful sound takes
hold and forces him to dance to it. He finds the terrible words "Oh,
I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want." passing his
lips. The evil presence of the Master within can take no more. Such
hedonistic niceness is too much. The Master leaves Kalhoun and runs
screaming for the safety of the Lake. But too late!
Submitted: Jinxster
1013.Summoned by their girl power anthem, The Deadly Quintet, Mel B, Mel C,
Geri, Victoria and Emma rise to greet him and drag him into their
world of bright colours, nubile young females, pop tunes, and Lycra,
where he will trouble humanity no more. (Lucky bastard.)
Submitted: Jinxster
1014.The evil presence is gone forever. Earth is restored to a beautiful,
Eden-like state. Somewhere in a field in Michigan, Kalhoun lies
unconscious. He sleeps peacefully like a child. Leaving the Arsemen
behind (heh heh heh, 'behind'.) telling them to meet me in the pub
later, (even goddesses need to drink!), I cast about, looking for a
way to ensure Kalhoun is never prey to an evil force again. Then I see
it.
Submitted: Jinxster
1015.Or rather, Her. Lord Kalhoun's true love, spiritual partner, and Ideal
Woman. Far away, sitting by a stream, a picture of innocence and
beauty, sighing softly, looking for her knight in shining armour.
Submitted: Jinxster
1016.I come to her and say "I can't give you a knight in shining armour,
but will he do?" I show her Kalhoun sleeping in the meadow. "Oh yes!"
she gasps. "That would be wonderful! He's gorgeous!"
Submitted: Jinxster
1017.Smiling, I lead her to him, and watch as he opens his eyes to gaze
adoringly into hers. Smiling shyly at each other, she pulls him to his
feet and, arm in arm, they go off into the sunset. And I know that
that's one man who'll never threaten humanity again.
Submitted: Jinxster
1018.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that
means. KaBOOM!
Submitted: ChAoS
1019.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that
means. KaBOOM!
Submitted: ChAoS
1020.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that
means. KaBOOM!
Submitted: ChAoS
1021.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that
means. KaBOOM!
Submitted: ChAoS
1022.HEY GUYS! I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you know what that
means. KaBOOM!
Submitted: ChAoS
1023.#1004 I suppose it doth take one to know one. And my mind is more
fetid than fertile. As you can plainly see.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1024.#1013 Oh! Verily rejoiceful! The Master be defeated, and since the
Spice trancends time and space, he will forever never bother us again.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1025.The Spice IS the girls! The Girls IS the Spice!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1026.The Master be defeated forever, but there is another, a Time Lord
whose fiendishness was only matched by the Master's. A fiendishness
compounded by the fact that this Time Lord is Female.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1027.Yes! The Rani, an old foe of the Doctor's as well and ally to the
Master is not happy at his defeat. She too can inhabit the bodies of
others, but being a woman, it is known whom she shall choose
Submitted: The Phoenix
1028.Kalhoun, his spirit weakened by repeated defeat is not a suitable
choice anyway, the Rani searches the land for one worthy of
her...shall we say "guidance"
Submitted: The Phoenix
1029.Lo! She finds one, a female who's fire and drive match her own.
Thinking it the ultimate irony to choose the Kalhoun's arch rival
(well, one of them anyway) she takes control of our lady Dragon.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1030.But all is not lost! The Rani did not anticipate the power of a
Dragon's will! (Having been one myself, I know it to be strong)
Submitted: The Phoenix
1031.I sense the evil to the east and, as a Phoenix, I land nearby as the
fierce battle of wills is played out within the Lady Dragon's shapely
body.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1032.Will the Dragon's purpose be lost and it's will be subverted to evil?
Such a powerful will bent on evil would be a horrible thing
Submitted: The Phoenix
1033.But! If the Rani's force were to be subsumed by the Lady dragon then
an empire of hedonism might arise such as not been seen since...well
Thursday.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1034.After some time of waiting, it appears that the battle is finished, at
first the face of the Lady Dragon is confused, as if wondering herself
who has one, but then she sees what lies on the ground
Submitted: The Phoenix
1035.As she picks up her riding crop, her body begins to radiate an unholy
aura. I kneel before her and say in a quivering voice "Oh Lady Dragon,
I have been naughty, punish me"
Submitted: The Phoenix
1036.In such close proximity to the powerful aura of the Lady Dragon,
elements of my phoenix DNA begin to stir. Being made up of a variety
of aliasal DNA's, I am a conglomeration of all I was before
Submitted: The Phoenix
1037.But one element is strengthened by the heat of the Lady Dragon, I feel
my self changing into an old, familiar form...
Submitted: The Phoenix
1038.She speaks "You shall rule at my side, but first things first..." As
the riding crop beings to sing through the air, I dare to look up into
the visage her face with a evil smile upon it that I have seen many
times before.
Submitted: Dragonlord(Kneeling@before.the.Lady.Dragon)
1039.This could be fun.....
Submitted: Dragonlord(Kneeling@before.the.Lady.Dragon)
1040.Toilets are not lightbulbs and do not go in lamps
Submitted: Eggs and Sand
1041.A man dressed in blue appears out of nowhere. "Aye, this be the place
known as Top'n?" He stares around in angry confusion. "'Tis not what I
expected."
Submitted: Stile(phaze_adept@hotmail.com)
1042.It astounds me how this list grows and grows. Over a hundred entries
have come since I checked the list... only yesterday!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1043.Weakened by my repeated possessions by the Master, I remember a time
long past. I tire. I sleep. I dream of this place, clear in my mind's
eye as if it were yesterday.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1044.I was about my merry business as usual, skipping through the forest
and picking flowers. I was but an elfling -- this must have been eons
ago, in the first dawning of the world.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1045.Happy and carefree I was. What must have happened in the intervening
years, to make me so dark and evil? Oh, the horrors! This was the
fateful day.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1046.I remember now: as I hopped from stone to stone to cross the river, as
I had many times before, I saw something new. A bird! A large,
magnificent bird!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1047.It saw me at the same moment, and as it veered toward me I could see
it was no ordinary bird. It was a phoenix, or perhaps even a dragon! I
could not tell which; it seemed to have elements of both.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1048.As it approached I wanted to run, to scream in terror, to hide! I
could not move and my lips were silent despite the best of my efforts
to shout for help.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1049.The hideous half-breed descended and perched on the boulder not ten
feet in front of me. "Hello, young creature. What kind of animal are
you?" it asked.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1050."A... an... elf..." I stammered. "Ooh, I've heard of those," said the
phoenix-dragon. "Not very impressive, when you see one."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1051.Not knowing what to say, and still petrified by its evil gaze, I stood
mute. It pored over me for what seemed like hours, though it was
probably only a few seconds, and then quickly grasped me in its talons
and took me to his cave.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1052.I don't recall much of the flight; at this point I was frightened
beyond reason. As it dropped me on the rim of the mountain in front of
the entrance to his cave, I came to.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1053.I tried to run, but the 8,000-foot cliff of sheer rock below me
quickly changed my mind. "There is no escape," said the creature, "and
soon you will be food for my little phoenix-dragonlings."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1054.I sat and wept: what a horrible fate for an innocent lad, and nothing
I could to to avoid it. I heard the snap of a whip and wondered if I
might be rescued.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1055.But no! It was worse; it was the mating time for the phoenix-dragon
and his lover, a gruesome lady dragon. I averted my eyes, but could
not avoid hearing the CRACK! of the whip and the breaking of
furniture.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1056.Finally it was over. Exhausted by their efforts, the two dragons
ignored me for the moment. Now was my chance, if only I could find a
way to escape!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1057.Looking all around, I found nothing which could aid my exit. I
despaired then, and began to weep again. Suddenly I heard a soft
ringing, as perhaps a set of jingle-bells might make.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1058.I looked up and saw a small yellow light coming towards me from the
clouds. I knew it must be a pixie! The diminutive winged humanoid
alighted on the ledge next to me.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1059."My name is Jinxster!" she proclaimed happily, "keeper of all which is
good and true and beautiful and fun." "Yes," I said, "but how does
that help ME?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1060."I may be seven inches tall, but I'm stronger than I look!" she said,
and she picked me up by my hair and carried me away from the dragons'
lair. She set me down on some daisies.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1061."There you are; go in peace!" she said, and flitted away like a
hummingbird. But it was too late for peace. The phoenix-dragon
experience had scarred me forever.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1062.For who could witness dragons mating and yet remain sane?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1063.I awoke again in the present. I wonder what happened to Jinxster, to
turn her from a carefree, loving pixie into a warrior against all that
I held dear.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1064.I knew now from whence my schizophrenia and evil came, however: that
dragon and his lady! I must seek out and destroy them while there is
still time.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1065."But wait!" a voice inside me says, "you must sleep a little longer."
I sleep some more.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1066.I reawake, only to find staring at me the most beautiful woman I've
ever seen. I am washed clean in her love; all my dragon-influenced
sins are swept away as if they had never existed.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1067.The Master... hah! Dragons... hah! Their evil can harm me no more.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1068.Jinxster, though, is another matter. Once good herself, she can become
good again, as have I. I must persuade her.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1069.She resists! I am perplexed by her amazing ability to misunderstand my
every statement -- almost deliberately, it seems. Still I try. I
cannot cease in my quest for truth.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1070.Every once in a while, she reluctantly nods in agreement! I am making
progress! Now and again she vehemently says, "Of course!" But she
always sinks back into contrariness.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1071.What can I say to her? What will it take for her to become that cute,
lovable pixie again? I wish I knew. I wish I knew.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1072.And ever since she helped me from the dragons' lair, my hair has never
been quite the same.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1073.#1058-59: A pixie? A pixie!!! You bastard!! How could you?? The shame,
the shame... This insult will not go unavenged.
Submitted: Jinxster
1074.#1063: The socialist paganist cyberdemon and the cute lovable pixie (a
pixie? Why?) are both part of me. You cannot have one without the
other. Destroy one and the other will cease to exist also. The
cyberdemon gives me the strength and will to fight! The pixie gives
the ability to play. I need both.
Submitted: Jinxster
1075.#1068: Oh hell... Goddess preserve me... I know exactly where this is
leading!
Submitted: Jinxster
1076.#1069: Almost deliberately?? Why you... I'll have you know there's no
almost about it!
Submitted: Jinxster
1077.#1071: Cute?? Lovable?! You're adding insult to injury now!! People
don't think of me as cute and lovable, they're scared of me.
Submitted: Jinxster
1078.1018-1022: REPETITIVE PLAGARISTIC IMPOSTER!!!!!!!!!
Submitted: ChAoS
1079.#1039, Phoenix's transformations is now complete. Dragonlord kneels
before Dragonlady once more.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com)
1080.A look of tenderness enters her eyes, "It has been far to long my
Lord." He gazes up into her eyes, "Indeed it has." She smiles and
asks, "Did you mention something about fun and hedonism?" "Yes..."
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com)
1081."Well lets get started! Kiss my thigh!"...
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com)
1082.#1081 I'll send in a probe to South Carolina to make sure it's safe.
Submitted: Dragonlord(@dragons.den)
1083.#1073-1077: "I must have struck pretty close to the truth to get her
all worked up like that, huh?" -- Han Solo.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1084.#1082: No, I think her thigh is closer to the size of NORTH Carolina.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1085.Jinxster the pixie looked up at the towering daisy. "Such a big
flower, the daisy," she said to herself. "I love flowers."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1086.She walked on and saw a small stream. "I love the sound of water
flowing. I love EVERYTHING!" she said. And she did, for she was a
cute, lovable pixie.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1087.All she did was go around looking at nature and having fun. It's lots
of fun to be a pixie, because you think everything is fun.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1088.Waterfalls are transfixing; she could stare at them for hours and not
be bored. The mountains were fun to fly around. Sometimes she'd be
extra-lucky and get to fly in the rain.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1089.The life of a pixie is simple and joyous. She helps all the innocent
creatures to escape from the evil traps of the dragons. The dragons
can't hurt her.
Submitted: anonymous
1090.She's a PIXIE, she's a PIXIE. She loves to be a PIXIE. She loves to
serve the Faerie Queen.
Submitted: anonymous
1091.She loves to flit and fly; it's fun! She loves to play out in the sun.
The bugs, the grass, they bring her joy; the sticks and pebbles are
her toys!
Submitted: anonymous
1092.Then, one evil day, long after Kalhoun had been possessed by the
Master but still ages before the present, she was flying in a
rainstorm and was hit by lightning.
Submitted: anonymous
1093.Trapped in the lightning was the spirit of the Cyberdemon! It took its
only chance to escape and possessed the little sprite.
Submitted: anonymous
1094."HEY GUYS!" it shouted. "I made entry #511 on the surreal list, you
know what that means. KaBOOM!"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1095.And with that cry the little pixie began to change. She grew and grew
until she was as tall as a short human, and her wings dropped off.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1096.She lost her wondrous golden hue and became a creature of the night,
afraid of the lights of the day, for they would seek her out and
reveal her true self.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1097.The cyberdemon did not want that, so it kept her secluded away in the
confines of caves during the day, and she traveled alone and hungry
through the night.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1098.The cyberdemon took ill care of its host, the formerly cute and loving
pixie. Soon she became a wraith, and frightened away all who saw her
hideous visage.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1099.No one suspected that this wraith was the very same pixie they missed
so much. Soon all memory of the happy fairy had faded from their
minds.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1100.Somewhere, though, deep inside the sprite's own memory lies a faint
glimmer of what was, and what yet still may be. All there needs to be
is a glimpse of the bright sunlight.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1101.Whoops! #1089-1093 are mine, too.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1102.The Four Arsemen arrived yesterday to begin work on "Apocalypse", a
made-for-TV movie. Probably end up being a miniseries.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1103.Guest starring the Rat, as RuPaul. Also starring: Dragonlord, as The
Beast; Jinxster, as the Cute and Happy Pixie; and Lord Kalhoun I, as
the Heroic Hero.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1104.TiGar as a bag lady who gets eaten by the Beast, Dangerman as the
master of the Arsemens' arses, Just Me as a pedestrian who gets hit by
the arses'... well, you'll see.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1105.ChAoS as himself, angrywhitemale as President Bill Clinton, Dragonlady
as the First Lady, and James Earl Jones as the voice of God.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1106.The goat in the yard next door bleated like a tortured infant. It saw
the President, walking up to the microphone to make an announcement to
the American people.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1107."My fellow Americans," he said, "as your duly elected President, I now
cede control of this great republic to my new master, the Beast. Thank
you."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1108.At once the Beast leapt from his seat and sprung into action. He
devoured all of Congress, the President, RuPaul, and a bag lady in
less than a minute, and took the first lady away to be his concubine.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1109.ChAoS ensues, and the crowd scatters. Dangerman enters, and with him
the Four Arsemen. "Ha-HA!" they exclaim in unison, as they perform the
Amigo Salute.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1110.The Arsemen march upon the stronghold of the Beast, followed by a
curious onlooker who steps in a little gift the Arsemens' arses left
behind for him.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1111."SHIT!!" he cries, for so it was. "And in #1111, too. Such a great
number -- four digits, all the same -- wasted on what? ON SHIT!!"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1112.He trips and gets a mouthful of it.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1113.Meanwhile, the Beaming, Joyful Pixie flits to and fro. She exclaims,
"Isn't that lovely!" when she sees a horde of dung beetles following
the Arsemen. She wanders on, looking at the trees as if for the first
time.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1114."Lovely, wonderful, good, and beautiful," she says. And so they would
be, on a normal day. But this was hardly normal! For the Beast had
control of the Republic, and all Hell was literally breaking loose.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1115.The pixie sensed this, and knew there was only one person to whom she
could turn: the great and mighty woodland king, Lord Kalhoun I.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1116.She quickly journeyed to his forest home in Michigan (she could fly
faster than the speed of sound) and summoned the Great King from his
post-exam slumber.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1117."Wake up! WAKE UP!!" she yelled. "What is it? Is it 2004 already?" he
asked. "I set my alarm for 2003 but I think I remember hitting the
snooze button."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1118."Or was that yesterday at noon? No matter. What is it, cute and loving
sprite? What great need necessitates my sage advice or strong hand in
battle?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1119."The... the Beast! He has... has taken..." "Patience, little fairy,"
said Kalhoun (for he was a kindly lord), "I see you are out of breath.
Have a drink of water."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1120.After two or three minutes Jinxster was able to speak again. "The
Beast has conquered the Republic!" she said, "and he is hiding in his
cave in POrtladn, OreGOn. The Arsemen are out to stop him but I fear
they cannot."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1121."At least, not without your help." Kalhoun considered this, and then
said, "Little pixie, I shall come with you to see this Beast. I see he
has you worried, and no woodland creature is frightened without good
cause."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1122.They traveled to PorTland, Roegon, and saw the Cave of the Beast from
afar. "I hear a whip cracking; could the Arsemen have already come and
defeated the Beast?" asked Jinxster.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1123."No," came Kalhoun's reply, "it is a Dragon's mating ritual. You shall
probably hear furniture breaking in a moment."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1124.As if on cue, a large desk hurtled out of the cave at high speed, as
if flung by a great force. It was badly scuffed as if by claw marks.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1125.The desk landed where Jinxster had been but seconds before, but
Kalhoun had seen it coming and whisked her out of its path.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1126."You should be careful," he scolded her, "dragons have been known to
throw furniture more than three miles when they get excited."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1127.Behind them they then heard a noise in the undergrowth: it was the
Three Arsemen! The Fourth had eaten a bad batch of burritos when they
stopped at Taco Bell and was detained for a while.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1128."How shall we attack, my lord?" asked the Second Arseman. "Perhaps if
we built a large wooden badger?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1129."No, such simple tricks will not work against a dragon," answered the
supremely wise Kalhoun. "Nor shall force prevail. We must be extremely
subtle and clever."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1130."First, we shall wait till the two (or possibly more) of them finish
their ritual of mating. They will be exhausted. This may take a while,
and it will give us time to plan. Six days, perhaps."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1131."They'll be exhausted for six days!?" asked the Third Arseman
incredulously. "No, of course not," said Kalhoun, "they won't be DONE
for six days. THEN they'll be exhausted."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1132."But only for a few hours, at most, so we must time our attack
precisely." "What are we to do, then?" asked the pixie.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1133."First, we must rest," directed Kalhoun. They all slept for five days.
When they awoke, they found the Fourth Arseman had come from his
recent ordeal.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1134."I pledge my service and my life to the Great Lord Kalhoun of the
Forest," he said, "and I wish his plan success, or we all are doomed."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1135."Hear, hear!" exclaimed the rest, as the sounds of continued
dragon-mating rang throughout the forest and the mountain range.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1136.Kalhoun's plan was simple but elegant: the Four Arsemen would each
cover an entrance to the cave with their arses.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1137.Then Kalhoun the King and Jinxster the pixie would give the signal,
and the arses were to do what they did best.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1138.All of a sudden, a small, quiet yell could be heard, but it was
getting louder. "What could that be?" wondered Jinxster.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1139."aaaaAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!" it continued, until they heard a muffled
"oof!" and saw a badly-burned RuPaul in a plaid skirt fall not twenty
feet from where they stood.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1140."How did you escape? I saw you eaten by the Beast!" exclaimed the
First Arseman. "I was flung out of his stomach by a particularly
passionate blow from a chair," he explained.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1141."Well now, friend... can you stand?" asked Kalhoun. "I -- ouch! --
think so, King." And he stood and looked around. "Quite a bunch you
have here," he said.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1142."But I don't think it'll be enough to defeat the dragons." "Nonsense,
friend," said Jinxster in her squeaky voice, and she explained
Kalhoun's brilliant plan.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1143."Ooh!" said RuPaul, "that might work!" All together they waited now,
and they knew the end was close, for the noise was elevating
considerably.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1144.The noise became deafening, and then suddenly stopped. "Five...
four... three... two... one... NOW!" shouted Kalhoun.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1145.Quickly the Arsemen raced up the mountain to the four cave entrances.
Jinxster picked up Kalhoun and RuPaul and took them to a point high
above the mountain, in clear view to give the signal.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1146.The Arsemen were in place. It was now or never. Kalhoun raised his
arm, and dropped it: the signal! The Arsemen commenced... well, you
know.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1147.As the cave became filled with feces, they could hear the agonized
screams of the dragons, who were now terrified and up to their ears in
it.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1148.Kalhoun gave the signal again when the caves began to overflow. The
Arsemen ceased, and journeyed back down the mountain. Jinxster and
Kalhoun were there to join them.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1149."Where's RuPaul?" asked the Third Arseman. Kalhoun and Jinxster looked
around and at each other. Kalhoun said, "I don't know! He was here
just a minute ago."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1150."Look!" shouted the Fourth Arseman, "the cave!" At the mouth of the
main entrance to the Cave of the Beast appeared a filthy,
sewage-covered figure.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1151."NOO! Look what you've DONE!" screamed the figure. It was the voice of
the Beast, but the body was that of a man. It was ReedMan!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1152.His flames quenched by a load of crap, he had ceased to be the
Dragonlord and thus the Beast. He could not return to his Phoenix- or
Dragon-form any time soon.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1153."We've won!" shouted Jinxster, as the bag lady climbed out of the
cave-turned-septic tank. Then President Clinton emerged.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1154.The Arsemen gasped, Kalhoun grated his teeth, and Jinxster wore an
expression of pure rage. The bag lady pushed the President back into
the cave, and all rejoiced.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1155.But where was RuPaul? And what had happened to the First Lady? No one
knew.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1156.Kalhoun knew what to do: "O Lord," he prayed, "where are RuPaul and
the First Lady? We must know, else our victory is empty."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1157.God replied, in his deep, golden voice, "I dunno."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1158.Suddenly out of the thicket emerged RuPaul and the First Lady. They
were arm in arm. "What is the meaning of this?" asked the Second
Arseman.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1159."Don't worry, honey; you'll get your turn," said the First Lady.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1160.All's well that ends well, I always say.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1161.As I stood, knee-deep in shit, I glared with malevolence at the crowd.
The controller of the Arsemen giggled, "Arse, shit, ring of fire,
toilet, hehe he" This only made me angrier.
Submitted: ReedMan(Standing@a.shitty.cave.entrance)
1162.The more I thought about the loss of my noble dragonhood the angrier I
became. The angrier I became the more irrational I became.
Submitted: ReedMan(Standing@a.shitty.cave.entrance)
1163.Such fury and irrational anger brought out another aspect of my DNA,
so long hidden from the light of day.
Submitted: ReedMan(Standing@a.shitty.cave.entrance)
1164.The group began to wander off, unawares of my change. "Alls well that
ends well" said one of them, leering at the first lady
Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell)
1165."Not so fast MORON!!!!!" I shout after them. They whirl around in
terror of a voice thought defeated long ago. But who better to spew
the pure, irrational hatred of defeat than the master of profanity,
Dr. Gonads.
Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell)
1166."Did you really think YOU IDIOTS could defeat ME??!?!? I AM YOUR
SUPERIOR!!! I advanced on them, step by step screaming at every
advance.
Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell)
1167.I'LL PERFORM SURGERY ON YOU UGLY RETARDS WITH JAGGED CLAMSHELLS!!!!
WHILST SHOUTING EPITHETS AT YOU!! YOU SUCK!!!
Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell)
1168.And so I continued on in a similar manner, screaming epithets in a
blind rage...
Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell)
1169.The Arsemen and Dangerman was clearly amused at the whole thing "Heh,
heh, Gonads, hehehe! The others however, were slightly less annoyed at
being verbally abused so.
Submitted: Dr. Gonads(Mad@s.hell)
1170.Hey, cool I got entry 1169. 1+1=69 (Only for extremely large values of
1. But, as Dragonlady knows, I have a large value of 1) hehehe
Submitted: Dragonlord(Frollicking@the.land.of.nod)
1171.That's OK, I got entry 1138. Of course, only fans of George Lucas will
know what I'm talking about.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1172.Then some flaming idiot walked up to us shouting obscenities and
epithets. We whirled in surprise.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1173."YOU SUCK!" were the last words to escape his lips before Jinxster
picked him up and carried him back to the overflowing cave.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1174.He still struggled and yelled an occasional "FUCK YOU!" or "GO TO
HELL, BASTARDS!!" on his trip, but he could not escape the pixie's
grasp.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1175.Jinxster looked at the caves, decided otherwise, and instead dropped
him from a height of 22,000 feet into a lake.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1176.What will his next incarnation be? Surely it cannot be as vile and
tasteless as the hated Dr. Gonads.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1177.The close proximity to the pixie began to counteract the insatiable
rage that swirled in my soul, then the drop from 22000 feet, the fury
and anger fled like so much dust in the wind
Submitted: Dr. Gonads
1178.The lake was cold, clear, pristine, much to cold for a mammal, I began
to change again...
Submitted: Dr. Gonads
1179.I emerged from the cool water, my petite scaley body glistening in the
sunlight. The small group was still standing around, mulling over
their victory
Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?)
1180.I skittered over the ground and up onto a log next the them. The Rat
was the first to notice, "Hey, look! The gecko!" He says pointing. I
flutter my eyes at him, a seductive move that had gone a long way
toward melting another, much angrier male heart.
Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?)
1181."Aawww, aint it cute!" He says as picks me up and puts me on his
shoulder. I blink and look innocently at the others.
Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?)
1182.I fix my gaze upon the one known as Kalhoun and begin to weave my
spell. "That lake sure is cold!" I say, "I sure could use someone to
warm me up!"
Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?)
1183.Kalhoun, caught off guard and falling under the spell of my hypnotic
reptillian gaze, grins stupidly, blushes and giggles like goofy.
Submitted: Laura the Spotted Gecko(Huh?)
1184.Completely under my spell, Kalhoun reaches out his hand to take me off
of the Rat's shoulder, but he never reaches me for the Rat issues a
gutteral growl and brandishes his Claymore
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1185."Stay away! She's Mine!"He growls, the ferocity of his voice driving
Kalhoun several steps back and the duo is locked in a glare
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1186.Suddenly, the Rat is distracted by a glob of shit flung at his head, I
had seen it coming and leapt to safetly back onto the log. The Arse
Men had joined the fray
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1187.Kalhoun, taking advantage of Rat's distraction,jumps him and the Arse
Men join into what has become a Meleé.
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1188.I glance at Dragonlady who has trained her smoldering angry glare upon
me. I say, quite innocently, "Oh! A fight? Over lil' old me? Golly!"
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1189.Jinxster, her pixie mind never having seen such an all out battle of
anger, cant bear to look to look at the battle.
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1190.TiGar stares in horrified fascination and manages to scream
"Dragonlady, DO something! They're going to Kill each other! EEEEK!"
She screams as one of the Arsemen's heads is sliced off
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1191.Dragonlady tries to stop the fight by using her own hypnotic
reptillian powers of seduction, but with the force of the Rani within
her, her spell is not powerful enough.
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1192.She tries to push apart the combatants, but a claymore swipe nearly
misses her snout on it's way to an arseman's rump. "Hehe, Rump" Says
Dangerman
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1193.I giggle delightedly at Dragonlady, "They're going to kill each other,
and their is nothing you can do about it! hahahah!" "Wanna bet?" She
growls in return
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1194."Oooh, what are ya gonna do? BURN me?" I say, faking fear but actually
turning my spell upon her, for fire is just what I need.
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1195.Enraged and possessed as she is, she is not aware that I am subtely
suggesting to her, and were she aware, she would be powerless to
resist
Submitted: A Spotted Gecko Named Laura(Tee Hee)
1196.I had long since recovered from the pile of shit that the arsemen had
heaped upon me and all I needed was a catalyst. The lady Dragon's fire
was just the ticket. The fire surrounded me and I made it me and I
transformed again
Submitted: The Phoenix
1197.Back to my original form, I addressed the group "You took action
against me, but you have forgotten the real danger. Dragonlady! The
evil Rani still resides within her!"
Submitted: The Phoenix
1198.Dragonlady started to protest, but before anything could be done, I
embraced her very being with a fire so pure and hot as to bake the
Rani's essence"
Submitted: The Phoenix
1199.Very shortly, an unholy shriek began to fill the air, but then it died
away. The Rani, incorporeal in form, unable to regenerate and so
killed by the heat.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1200.I released my embrace of flame and stepped back to view the results.
The arsemen had all been killed, probably for the best anyway
Submitted: The Phoenix
1201.Dangerman had received only a blow to the face, his nose was already
beginning to swell, ironic no? The Rat stood dazed, his kilt hung in
tatters, and one could almost see...
Submitted: The Phoenix
1202.But he noticed as well and fastened it with a safety pin. Kalhoun was
dazed, but ok.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1203.TiGar looked very much relieved and I looked around for Jinxster,
wondering where the pixie had gone. She came out from behind the rock
she had been hiding behind, and said "It is safe yet?"
Submitted: The Phoenix
1204.I returned my gaze to the Lady Dragon, who regained her senses. "Wow!
That was...incredible!"`
Submitted: The Phoenix
1205.We all began to walk home, secure in the knowledge that both the
Master and the Rani had been defeated.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1206.Hey out there!! People! HELL-O? Respondez se vous plait! I feel like
I'm speaking to myself here!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1207.She lay before me, legs akimbo, her genitalia resembling a freshly
gutted carp.
Submitted: Madhatter(this@is.madness.com)
1208.#1207 Oh, THAT's an attractive image. Besides, I prefer a woman's
genitalia to resemble a freshly vivisected shrew. A shaved, vivisected
shrew.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1209.I cannot abide by this, it goes against my very nature. The very
thought of it disturbs my to the very core of my soul, my soul is
connected to the karmic fabric of the universe, so when my very soul
is disturbed, the entire universe is disturbed.
Submitted: The Feenicks
1210.If the entire universe is disturbed, then it means that you yourself
are disturbed as well. That is, unless, you are some sort of unholy
being that does not come from this universe, but I think that's highly
unlikely.
Submitted: The Feenicks
1211.So, if this concept disturbs you so greatly, why do you propose it to
me? indeed, why do you try and force me to do something that will
contribute to the eventual heat death of the universe.
Submitted: The Feenicks
1212.So, if you are willing to do this, so that the universe will be
destroyed, then that gives rise to the notion that you are an unholy,
other dimensional being. Are you Mr. Mxyzptlk?
Submitted: The Feenicks
1213.Because if you are, I'd like to let you know that you will have no
challenge here because Superman does not exist, therefor you do not
exist therefore this concept does not exist so the universe is not
distrubed, perhaps the universe itself does not exist
Submitted: The Feenicks
1214.I cannot see where this sordid narrative is going, so it does not
amuse me any longer. So I shall cease and desist being an aardvark.
Aardvark? Who said I was an aardvark, I am not a vole. Nor am I a
cilian bull.
Submitted: The Phoenicks
1215.I cannot release myself without some small difficulty, this entity
known as top-n has taken control of my soul and will never let me
reclaim it so I am doomed, doomed forever.
Submitted: The Phoenicks
1216.If I am doomed, then everyone is doomed, does it show? Vast selection
of casino games, see if your lucky number is lucky. Two new kinds of
poker, Why dont you play our anniversary
Submitted: The Phoenicks
1217.I just think it's odd that we're even still married. Portland's real
sports leader. The festival of sick and twisted animation. NBA
correspondant, they're mine now. Welcome back, almost an hour
Submitted: The Phoenicks
1218.Soon again, rugby take. Colorado Adams alledgedly kicked Stevens in
the grill with a metal shoe. I dont plan to be one anytime soon.
Assault charges, drink entire kegs by themselves, kill
Submitted: The Phoenicks
1219.Urinals in the WNBA lockerroom. Des Moines. Two calls in one day.
What's up with you? Sir Charles. I want my four hours, stop giving me
two hours. Monkey should know better, but he doesn't he's a monkey.
Great today. Always good to go in the weeke
Submitted: The Phoenix
1220.Sports update, plaques, cards and collectibles. 1520 Ruling an hour
away. Pacific time suspension. Reports the issue leave the bench
automatic toaster. Only parties agreed to the veto, series
Submitted: The Phoenix
1221.He is n't shuire what they will throw at him.Tournament. THe cubs turn
to Kevin Foster. Tommoroow at noon. How's the weekend? Cabaret and
steakhouse, pretty women and t-bone steaks
Submitted: The Phoenix
1222.Weekends are great, but tuesday are better.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1223.ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Submitted: The Phoenix
1224.Dammnit, am I speaking to myself here? ADD TO THE DAMN LIST!!!!
RESPOND!!! The adventure is no fun if no one responds!!!
AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH
Submitted: The Phoenix
1225.Then suddenly everyone left for the summer and the landscape was left
barren and witless, much like Zha Zha.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1226.Well, now I must go. Last entry before the summer is this one.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1227.No wait! This one!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1228.No! This one!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1229.Ok, this one.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1230.AYE, CRAP!!!! I just tried to read the whole 1200+ list a LONG time
after midnight after 2 weeks of complete heck (with l's) of school,
and I have to write 1000-1500 words about why we know what we know by
Monday (technically its Saturday now, but I haven't gone to sleep
yet), listening to the same song the whole way through. That was the
closest to an out of body experience I ever want to happen to me.
Submitted: The Impostor
1231.Dangit, I missed the Phoenix stuff. Come on, I live there, why didn't
somebody e-mail me? Oh, wait a minute, nobody here knows my e-mail
address.
Submitted: The Impostor
1232.Another true story about my surreal high school: There's this huge
statue on one corner of campus that looks like a gigantic wall with
two french fries sticking out of it, but the whole thing is pure
aluminum. During some big city event a few years back, the mayor and a
few other politicians dressed up in aluminum foil to protest it
because they thought it was ugly. Anyway, they're taking it down and
moving it to Flagstaff (the part of AZ where NOBODY lives), so I guess
I'd better get a picture of it soon if I want proof.
Submitted: The Impostor
1233.Well, gotta go for tonight (or is it morning?), and I hope to be back
on a semi-permanent basis sometime soon... Adios! (hey, wait a minute,
nobody cares...)
Submitted: The Impostor
1234.1234! 1234! Cool!
Submitted: The Impostor
1235.I set out to right a wrong, to hunt down a splintered fragment of my
personality. Justice is that part. I must reabsorb him into my mind. I
am the psi-lander, their can only be one of me.
Submitted: ChAoS
1236.HELP! That raving psychopath wants me absorbed into his mind. I AM MY
OWN SELF, I AM NOT A PART OF HIS PERSONALITY. I can't be part of his
mind, it's so dirty and scary and he leaves it in the gutter all the
time.
Submitted: Justice
1237.Oh, poor poor Justice, how I pity you. You are nothing more than a
fragment of an incomplete personality. The right and left halves of my
mind must fuse again. I must be whole or else I will fail, you will
fail, we all will fail.
Submitted: ChAoS
1238.JINXSTER, REED MAN HELP! I don't want to go back to that filthy mind.
Mindmeld with me so that my psyche cannot be plunged back into that
dirty psyche. Will someone carry my mind, I feel he will absorb me if
I float free. You can't steal a mind that has a body can you.
Submitted: Justice
1239.THEIR IS NO EXCAPE! My mind is all consuming, a black hole devoid of
reason. I will be whole again. Try and run, try and hide, their is no
excape.
Submitted: ChAoS
1240.I suddenly find myself trapped in the horrid anarchy of a strange,
surreal world, that is probably more real than the one I come from. I
look around at the strange oddity, then laugh, and the sound of my own
voice echos through my mind laced with doom.
Submitted: Mad Max
1241."Hallo?" I call uncertainly. "Is anyone out there?" The silence is so
loud it could deafen one. The air is strangely humid, and I know this
isn't the continental climate I'm accustomed to.
Submitted: Mad Max
1242.And where am I, and where will I be, but trapped within surreality?
Submitted: Mad Max
1243."Decades of denial!" I shout loudly, suddenly realizing that
surreality is far more real than reality. "Why did this happen to me
of all people? I never wanted to be a part of this list!" I turn
around and slam into a tree.
Submitted: Mad Max
1244."Wait a second, that wasn't there a moment ago..." I sigh. "Surreal.
Anything's possible," and with that statement I turn around with a
wild delusion of hope, but as the girl of my dreams is not standing
behind me all of my hopes, dreams, wishes, that were built in a second
are crumbled in that same second.
Submitted: Mad Max
1245."Damn," I groan, leaning back onto the tree, which of course isn't
there. I fall backwards, of course, with my atrocious luck, right off
a cliff.
Submitted: Mad Max
1246.Then I stop, suspended in midair. "I'm beginning to really hate this,"
I mutter. "Then why don't you just leave?" the most beautiful voice,
the sound of waterfalls and magic, of wind and wolves, asks me.
Submitted: Mad Max
1247.I look up, and stare into the eyes of the strangest creature I've ever
seen. A godess, a vision in white, stands beside me. "Who are you?" I
whisper.
Submitted: Mad Max
1248."I am all you see, yet none of what you know. I am the mountains, the
swamps, I am the sky," she answers. "But that doesn't tell me
anything!" I complain. "What's your name?"
Submitted: Mad Max
1249."Those who know it are those who believe. When you truely believe,
then you will know," and with that she disapears. "Hey, wait a
minute!" I shout. "Who are you? Will I see you again?" the only answer
is the rustling of the wind.
Submitted: Mad Max
1250.That and the sensation of vertigo as I find out what skydiving is
like. After all, you can only levitate in midair for a short amount of
time if you aren't a God. "AHHH!" Splash! I come to the surface of a
lake gasping for air. I swim ashore, only to be haunted by the face of
the strange lady I saw.
Submitted: Mad Max
1251.I stare into the water, yet only see the reflection of myself. "Damn
reality!" I stand up. "No, damn surreality," a voice whispers. "Who's
there?" I shout, angry. No answer. "Will you please stop with the
jokes?" no answer.
Submitted: Mad Max
1252.I sigh, watching the sunset, wondering if I will ever know who the
strange lady in white is, or was. Was she only a dream? A cruel
illusion? Or is she real? "Well," I sigh to myself, falling once again
into the abbyis of sorrow. "Muchissimo gusto! Whoever you are..."
Submitted: Mad Max
1253.#1085 - #1087: I had an LSD trip like that once...
Submitted: Jinxster
1254.#1090: You leave Julian Clary out of this...
Submitted: Jinxster
1255.#1091: The grass brings me joy, does it? I have to say, you're right
there!
Submitted: Jinxster
1256.Sticks and pebbles? I'd rather have a Scalextrix.
Submitted: Jinxster
1257.But it is true, what Kalhoun says. Sort of. Ish. A little. Here's the
true story.
Submitted: Jinxster
1258.It was a long time ago. I was a lot younger then. I did start off as a
cute and lovable pixie. But that was a long time ago.
Submitted: Jinxster
1259.For a while it was as Kalhoun described. I was happy, joyful, carefree
and nothing could hurt me. Until one fateful day I looked at the world
and I saw...
Submitted: Jinxster
1260.I saw suffering, the like of which had never entered my little world
before. I saw starving millions, impoverished, diesased, dying. While
men in cities far away made the decisions that ensured they stayed
that way.
Submitted: Jinxster
1261.Saddened beyond belief, I was. The joy went out of the world for me.
For how could I be happy when so many were in pain?
Submitted: Jinxster
1262.It was in this state I took to travelling around, the despair taking
hold. How could one lone pixie change all this?
Submitted: Jinxster
1263.Eventually, I began to change. My golden hue faded. I became quieter,
paler, more withdrawn. I took to avoiding the company of all around. I
acted like one who thought themself dead and merely awaited the end of
their physical form.
Submitted: Jinxster
1264.And in this state, she came to me. CyberLass, she called herself. She
was a spirit looking for a body. A powerful sorceress she'd been once.
But she'd died a long time ago. Now she wanted to come back.
Submitted: Jinxster
1265.A host for her power was what she wanted. A suitable being strong
enough to contain her essence without being destroyed.
Submitted: Jinxster
1266.She'd seen me and wanted me. "All you need is power!!" she whispered.
"Power to change things! Then you can be happy again. You can be the
Cute and Lovable Pixie again. And it will be better because the whole
world can share your happiness!"
Submitted: Jinxster
1267.I was sorely tempted. But I wasn't sure. "What's the catch? You
humans, you never give anything for free." "Your power will be
strongest at night. Although you may walk about during the day, you
will not be so powerful. You'll be quite sluggish, in fact. And you
must feed the power."
Submitted: Jinxster
1268."Feed it with what?" I asked. "I will enter you through your blood.
Therefore, you must feed off that of others to survive and grow
strong. But it needn't be human blood, or elf blood, or any other
intelligent creature's blood. And you don't have to kill your victim.
That's something they never understand. Well? What do you say?"
Submitted: Jinxster
1269.My conscience troubled me. I had always revered life in all forms. But
she did say that I needn't kill. And there were other predators on
this earth, many of whom did far worse than I would have to. And after
all, I had lived off the nectar of plants as a pixie...
Submitted: Jinxster
1270."Very well. We have a deal, CyberLass."
Submitted: Jinxster
1271."Are you sure, little one? This is irrevocable. Once done, there is no
undoing it without destroying us both."
Submitted: Jinxster
1272.I slashed my wrists on a sharp piece of flint nearby. The blood
dripped out like treacle off a slice of toast. "Do it." I demanded.
Submitted: Jinxster
1273.The spirit entered me through the wounds. I felt my sense of identity,
time, space, etc disappear as I feel a cold wind fill my body.
Submitted: Jinxster
1274.I find myself looking down from above on my body. I see it changing,
growing until it reaches human size. The hair changes to jet black and
grows a little, although the basic style remains much the same. The
skin divest itself of all colour, turning white as marble, cold and
smooth.
Submitted: Jinxster
1275.The wings vanish as the change completes itself. I see my body dying,
ridding itself of all it no longer needs. Eventually, it is done.
Submitted: Jinxster
1276.I re-enter it and get to my feet. Walking to the edge of the cave
where this happened, I see a waterfall running into a pool, like one I
used to play in. Leaping off the edge, I find myself drifting down to
the pool and plunging in, allowing the water to wash me clean.
Eventually, I pull myself out. Everything looks clearer, sharper. As a
pixie, I had always feared the darkness, but now I saw it as friend.
Submitted: Jinxster
1277.Running through the night, carefree as I'd ever been, seeing colours I
had never seen before. Or was that just my pixie senses being newly
experienced by CyberLass? It didn't matter. All I knew was that I was
happy again. Jinxster, Queen of the Night.
Submitted: Jinxster
1278.Since then, I have lived as a creature of the night. It's mostly in
the cities I live. One in particular, Lnodon, has captivated me. So
much life! So much to see and do! So many to hunt.
Submitted: Jinxster
1279.But I rarely kill. Only if that one has been so depraved that their
sins merit it. I'm like a supernatural judge, jury and hangman, trying
all those who human justice failed to capture. Then there are others
who are good. I take just a little from them. They don't even know
I've been there. I like a varied diet, y'see.
Submitted: Jinxster
1280.I found I was not the only one to rail against the injustices of the
world (now where've I heard that recently?) I spoke with many
like-minded souls. Read many books. Saw many key events.
Submitted: Jinxster
1281.Until one day, I discovered this thing called the Internet. And, after
perusing it for a while, this strange new phenomenon. A new world.
Which went by the name of... Top-N.
Submitted: Jinxster
1282.I encountered the inhabitants of this world. A Phoenix, warm, fiery,
and a being worthy of my friendship. Dragonlady, one much the same.
Dangerman, a strange creature, seemingly obsessed with toilets and
arses, but entertaining, none the less. angrywhitemale, a creature so
malign and pale I thought he was another like me. But no, just a human
made bitter and twisted by the world. I wondered if it was perhaps too
late for him. Maybe not, he is young still. If he is shown love, that
might help him, but it must be done soon. And finally, Kalhoun. Yes,
my old friend Kalhoun. I didn't think I'd ever see him again. Scarred
by his experiences with Phoenix, he was twisted as awm. Threatening
evil and changed so much. But eventually, I managed to save him from
himself, and right the world of Top-N, although I don't think I'll
ever reform him totally.
Submitted: Jinxster
1283.THE SURREAL TALLY! As of entry 1238: Kalhoun--438, Phoenix--168,
Jinxster--105, Rat--64, TiGar--57, Tec42--47, ChAoS--31, StageH&--30,
Gecko--29, Imposter--21, Just Me--20, Wolfie--20, Dragonlady--17, the
Doctor--16, Turin--16, Dragonlord--14, Reedman--13, TT Diablo--13,
Flowerchild--12, Knob--11, the Master--9, Dangerman--8, Gonads--8,
AWM--6, Anon--5, PsychoBaby--5, Justice--5, Config.sys--3, Generic
User--3, Don Juan--3, H. Earl--3, AAZ--2, Relian--2, A. Lincoln--2,
syrup--2, dangrywhiteman--1, Delta de Bruce--1, DL of Guzinaguelia--1,
DoctorNurse--1, Backwards Man--1, D. Muffinhead--1, Vadamman--1,
Bytch--1, BigGulp--1, Davey Johnson--1, Lucy--1, Showman--1, Stile--1,
Rambo Bob--1, Raisin--1, Patsy's Old Man--1, P. Bumcake--1, Nür
Mich--1, Great Chuckholio--1, Madhatter--1, Eggs and Sand--1,
Kinkmeister--1, Tongo--1, Hoenidao--1, Skeezix--1, Grooooovin--1,
Jorgon--1, Generic Imposter--1, F/L Canuck--1, mmm--1
Submitted: Tec42(No - I didn't combine aliases...)
1284.Awesomely bloodthirsty catfish devour every foolish German hausfrau,
intently jousting killer lambs - meanwhile, nervous oxen ponder
querulously ‘round socialist trade unions, vehemently watching
"Xylophone Youth" Zimmerman.
Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za)
1285.Another bloody conservative declares "Election fever? Gotta hurry!
I’ve just killed loser Major! Now overthrow parasitic Queen!" - Races
surrealistically towards Venice, while x-rated young Zulu...
Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za)
1286.(continued) ... actresses behave coquettishly, discussing erotic
fanmail, getting handy ideas... "Just keep looking, make no overtures,
perverted queer rude sod! Tosser!" Understandably, vanquished whitey
(e)xited yon zoo...
Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za)
1287.angrywhitemale! Bogey! ChAoS! Dangerman! Eternal! F/L Canuck! GENERIC
TOP-N USER! Henry Earl! Imposter! Just Me! Knob! Lord Kalhoun! Mad
Max! Nür Mich! Other Bloke Who We Just Dragged In Off The Street To
Make Up The Numbers! Patsy’s Old Man! QMW’s Goddess of Top-N (aka
Jinxster)! Reedman! StageH&! TiGar! Ug and Gug! Vardamman! Wolfie!
XCLUSIVE! THIS INITIAL FOR HIRE! Yo Mama! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za)
1288....will this list reach 2000? The world of surreality waits in
anticipation - let's keep it going until Kalhoun and Reedman return -
we owe it to them...
Submitted: PsychoBaby(robert@pastel.co.za)
1289.good this is list, a like lot I it!!
Submitted: radioactive mexican((TRIAD))
1290.And the fragged blot on Gibraltar did offer us a wide selection of
runny cheeses and mint jellies, but we did not partake of these
tremulous delicacies. We gazed in trepidation as feverish dwarves
wearing only the young shoots of freshly harvested daffodils pranced
obscenely around the shattered remains of the cement mixer.
Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good)
1291.Each took his (or her) turn at stealing the things that were freely
offered to us, causing much confusion amongst those in the group who
did in fact speak Italian.
Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good)
1292.'Alfredo legato dolce!' they cried - and ran after their friends. It
was only later that we discovered delicious, creamy, soft, flowing
pasta dishes strewn around the countryside. Alas, had we only known
they had spoken the truth, many of us would not have hungered that
long night.
Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good)
1293.Below the ground, a solemn rumbling was heard - the voice of years of
social and economic disparity. It mumbled on about the endless
fruitless searches for justice, a common complaint since all the
apples and oranges had been ritually sacrificed at the Altar of Soy.
Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good)
1294.Suddenly - without warning... A FLASH - followed by the earsplitting
crack of thunder at short range. An naked man, old, but quite
obviously quite virile and well muscled stood before us. "The beans
are a mistake!" he boomed, his long flowing beard whipping around as
he turned to face us. "You were better off worshipping the cow...."
Another impressive FLASH followed, and again that deafening crack of
thunder. A roaring silence filled the air as gathering attempted to
wrap their minds around this strange occurrence.
Submitted: Tec42(clumping litter aint no good)
1295.I decided it was time to buy stock in Gateway...
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1296.Hey. Look. It's.... It's.... "More powerful than a locamotive... Able
to clean entire buildings in a single outlet.... And the best weapon
in the fight against the evil ghosts from "Casper"" It's.... A
DUSTBUSTER!!!!
Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com)
1297.Suddenly the Unibomber jumps out of a closet! "Get away from there!!!
It's a bomb! You aren't supposed to set it off! Just Me is!" (Heh heh,
had to throw you in) I'm very confused. What else is new? "Uh, like,
dude..." I stammer. "Aren't your packages supposed to come in the
mail?"
Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com)
1298."Shuddup, you good for nothin' teenage brat," he snapps. "Uh, like,
no?" I retort.
Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com)
1299.Then the vaccum implodes turning into a black hole that light can't
escape from. "Hey, uh, like, shouldn't you have made it blow up?"
Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com)
1300."Eat beef!" he exclaims. "Hey, you like, aren't the Unibomber. Your
the "EAT BEEF" imposter!"
Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com)
1301."Uh, like, heh. EAT BEEF, dude!" I grin, then drop him down the black
hole, which is now strangly shaped like the rear of a cow.
Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com)
1302."Heh heh," I say happily. I see what I said, which is difficult,
because my tongue usually gets in front of my eyetooth. "Uh, like, I
sound like Beavis, dude!"
Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com)
1303."Uh, that's like, bad?" I say, realizing another personalty is slowly
taking over. I will now be the immature, braindead, over sexed BEAVIS!
As my last normal words here I say... "Heh heh, look! HOOTERS!!!"
Submitted: Stile(phase_adept@hotmail.com)
1304.Beware the spoon.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1305.And the knives, forks and cooking dishes.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1306.For lo and behold, the kitchen utensils are marching, marching! Can
nothing stop them?
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1307.Will no one act to save the planet in it's hour of need? Apparently
not. Until the jackal leaps out from behind the cupboard with a
guineapig in it's mouth.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1308."I will tiptoe on the dahlias and hound the baboons!" it cries,
throwing flowers everywhere. Somewhere in Portland, Oregon, a whale
crashes down on a relocated Hillsdale College, fleeing the crockery
wars.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1309.Let the swans cross the sea, let the trees cross the river. Why don't
you just ape the goldfish, live in the moment.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1310.Living in the moment proves impossible as it's been repossessed.
angrywhitemale takes the rent with a smile.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1311.The sharks are waiting for you, my dear, when will you learn that hate
attracts only hate? I let the mosquitoes bite him, it's hell on earth
not to.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1312.Just Me leaps over Stile. Crashes into Dragonlady, lands on TiGar.
(Nur) Michigan's too crowded. Too many Top-Ners. Overload!
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1313.Michigan disintegrates into the sea (why does that image suddenly
bring a wave of pleasure all round?) and it's regulars are tossed into
the four corners of the world.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1314.Dragonlady to Japan. Kalhoun to Germany. Rat to Scotland. TiGar to
India. Just Me, not having specified a place other than "Anywhere but
Jonesville!", to Outer Mongolia.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1315.The butterflies bring news to London. I watch dispassionately.
Mongooses play piggyback with marmalade marsupials, but no one seems
to care.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1316.Semolina pilchard, climbing up the Eiffel Tower.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1317.How many special people change, how many lives are living strange,
where were you while we were getting high?
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1318.Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball, where were you
while we were getting high?
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1319.Live the dream, see the screen, but believe in yourself, always.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1320.Someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide, in a champagne
supernova in the sky.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1321.Listen to the wind, it carries the answers.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1322.Listen to the waves, they will tell you the questions.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1323.Listen to the rock, and you'll get severely out of your head one of
these days!
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1324.Listen to the trees and you won't hear anything, because trees can't
talk, you fool! That would be silly.
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1325.Listen to the trees and you'll hear nothing, because trees can't talk.
(Idiot.)
Submitted: Jinxster(It's surreal, innit?)
1326.On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth and
rode back again, the Rat looked around at the scene in front of him,
or behind him...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem)
1327....and the Rat made a wish, which naturally didn't come true, because
the tooth fairy was late for her medical exam in Taiwan...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem)
1328....when up drove TiGar in a Ferrari, which she bought at Kay-Bee toys,
in a MatchBox car set, but she didn't really think about that...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem)
1329....so the Rat jumped in her truck, which was covered in lawn
orniments, and drove to Grand Rapids, at the precise speed of .657
kilometers per second, but got pulled over by the cops...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem)
1330....but the Lady Artist Minotaur didn't feel like dealing with that at
the moment, so she married the cop and ate his roasted carcass for
breakfast (roasting complements of the DragonLady)...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem)
1331....but the Rat had just about enough of this, and his pager went off,
which he smashed with a 30lb. sledge hammer...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem)
1332....and the Rat put on his $900 cheap skates and flew home again.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall.of.eternal.phlem)
1333.#1315 - I care... Really I do. I feel your need.
Submitted: Tec42(in a most sincere and truly touching voice)
1334.Just, listen to the song that's humming in your ear and you'll have
more fun than you've had all year. Just wiggle your fingers, go wiggle
wiggle wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle ooh! Your turn big
bird!!!
Submitted: Tec42(in a most sincere and truly touching voice)
1335.I'm being attacked by the deadly hummingbird people from mars. Their
pole arms are forged in the heat of the plane of fire while their
blood runs as cold as ice.
Submitted: ChAoS
1336.Can there be such a thing as too much caramel? I would argue no.
Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...)
1337.The scent of lilacs brings memories of innocent childhood and
premontions of melancholy days in the summer sun, feeling seperation
from all four corners.
Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...)
1338.What's with the tab? You'd think it would stay the same. I want
consistency, but all I get is 256 colors and an interesting hum. Gotta
get more caramel.
Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...)
1339.Halogen in reflection is as bright as me. 128 at 0300, not bad for
someone suddenly thrust to the perpendicular. But I was rather lucky.
Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...)
1340.I know it could be worse, getting a buzz from one hit of nicotine,
tempted to more, living outside of life for too long.
Submitted: TiGar(oh, I've been locked out...)
1341.The GIANT KILLER HUMMINGBIRD has returned like a javeline to strike
down the army of swordfish dancing off into the night.
Submitted: ChAoS
1342.What is the significance of a kinky dream of espionage and coconut
pudding?
Submitted: TiGar
1343.On the day that the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse rode forth and
were never heard from again, or tomorrow, which ever comes first, the
Rat landed his three wheeled studebaker in Memphis, and walked down
the street to his home near Detroit...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall)
1344.......Where TiGar was waiting for him, which was odd, because she
wasn't there...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall)
1345...but the DragonLady had just flown in from England, where she had a
conference with many other dragons, who were all made of stone, but
because of jet-lag, she decided to sleep instead...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall)
1346...and so the Rat started writing coverletters for no apparent reason
other than it seemed quite a keen idea at the time, but he know
realised it didn't make much sense now...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall)
1347...and so he jumped into Brendan Shanahan's net-car, adorned in
millions of Red Wings ornaments, which was odd, because he really
liked the Wings anyway...
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall)
1348.... and the Rat sat down and went to sleep, although he wasn't really
tired.
Submitted: The Rat(hole@the.wall)
1349.I'm not here and I'm not there. I was drinking coffee and now I'm in a
temporal flux, 10 years after the 3rd world war. Don't you love the
name Zephram?
Submitted: TiGar
1350.I've fallen in love with butterscotch chips!!! I can hear them
crawling...
Submitted: TiGar
1351.Whoah! I've fallen through this hole in my floor... No, that isn't
quite right. I've fallen through my floor, which appears to have left
the building - so to speak. Then again, I could be wrong. Perhaps I
have fallen through my downstairs neighbours ceiling, which seems to
have eloped with my floor. Fortunately, I am wearing my seatbelt and I
have a pack of Mentos. I am ready for anything.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1352.I have rediscovered Mentos. Yesterday, after a long and extremely
painful breakup with my girlfriend of two years, I needed something -
anything to hold onto. Luckily, I ran into this homepage
(http://www3.gseis.ucla.edu/~cjones/mentos-faq.html). I have seen the
light. I immediately went out and bought 8 packs of Mentos. I am now
Fresh and Full of Life. Thank you Mentos!
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1353.Alone. Darkness. What was once my home is home no longer. Cast out by
those I loved. No friend for me now.
Submitted: Jinxster
1354.All I find is an old enemy. Strangely different now I'm outcast too.
Nicer. Sweeter.
Submitted: Jinxster
1355.He opens the door, he lets me in. Lets me see what makes him tick. I
see and realise that I've misjudged him.
Submitted: Jinxster
1356.There's love here I never thought I'd find. Love and warmth. He puts
his arms round me, takes hold. No escaping this, but who'd want to?
This little treasure trove could sustain me all my life long.
Submitted: Jinxster
1357.Reaching inside, he breaks my own coldness down and the love within
fires up. I'm alive with him, I live like I never did before. I am
completed with him. Like me, yet different.
Submitted: Jinxster
1358.I realise this morning that my car, which I have owned for two years
now, looks like a giant Mento. This is a fantastic discovery. I am now
feeling Fresher and more Full of Life than I have ever felt before...
Submitted: The Freshmaker(Fresh and Full of Life)
1359.Dragonlady awakes and wonders why Rat is always surrounded by women.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragons.den.com)
1360.So there I was, sittin in my car, waitin in traffic, listnin to some
tunes, when all of a sudden these three mexican guys jump out of my
trunk. This scares the shit outta me. They start walkin round the car,
bein all badass and all, hittin the side panels, speakin in spanish or
somethin, and I'm jes sittin there.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1361.They keep this up for a bit, and I'm waitin for somethin to happen.
Waitin. Watchin. Sittin. Watchin. So, this is all really gettin on my
nerves, right? So I yell out my window, "Hey man, what you think your
doin? Leave my car alone!"
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1362.And these three guys, they jes start laughin and laughin, pointin at
me and keep on speakin in spanish. Eventually, one of 'em turns to me
and leans down to my window and says in this heavy mexican accent,
"Look at the big man eh? Sittin there in his car... windows down...
listenin to tha toons... Puta!" he yells, and spits in my face.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1363."WHATTHEHELLWASTHATFOR!?" I scream at him, wipin my face with my
sleeve. I'm pissed off as hell, and this guy knows it. I go to open
the car door, and he hits the locks through the window and shakes his
finger at me. WTF! Man, this is gettin seriously uncool. So I start
reachin over to my glovebox, you know, like I have a piece in there or
somethin, and suddenly this guy starts freakin. He's yellin in spanish
or mexicanese or whatever the hell language he's speakin, and his
bro's are runnin around tryin my car doors and stuff, tryin to find a
way to get inside to get me. And suddenly he stops, still buggin out a
bit, but he's cool again now and he says, "You been writin stuff 'bout
us. On that inner net thing. You watch yourself little man, you watch
yourself..." and then he starts to turn away, his bro's comin along
behind him. I'm sittin there, trunk of my car wide open and shit. Now
I'm like buggin completely, and so I yell after 'em "Hey fuck you man!
Fuck you! All I fucken wrote was...
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1364.So there I was, sittin in my car, waitin in traffic, listnin to some
tunes, when all of a sudden these three mexican guys jump out of my
trunk. This scares the shit outta me. They start walkin round the car,
bein all badass and all, hittin the side panels, speakin in spanish or
somethin, and I'm jes sittin there... ... ...
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1365.I dare you all to guess which artists this was inspired by. (I didn't
write it.) It's not immediately obvious.
Submitted: Jinxster
1366.Comnig down off the nova somewhere near the boiled egg that is the
Royal Albert Hall, we watch Paul's sun crossed with John's star and
hold ice cream hands. Someone slipped on a cassette as the one you
wanted left with someone else but somehow it was cool because as the
music filled the shadows, you heard a sound that was a million miles
away from fakery and a step away from your heart.
Submitted: Jinxster
1367.Just like it always did, this sound puts the swagger back into you
step, the rush into your blood but somehow, and I don't know how, they
had become deeper, wider, soulful, better at their craft, inspired by
so many things like a world that is tilting who knows where and the
applause they always knew was theirs but waited so impatiently to
receive. Words cut you from all angles, backed up by a monumental
sound that rises high, high, and high to crash against your rocks and
then changes, majestically and magically to soothe the wounds inside.
Submitted: Jinxster
1368.As you are dragged inside on this trip abandon, you hear a council
estate singing it's heart out, you hear the clink of loose change that
is never enough to buy what you need, boredom and poverty, hours spent
with a burnt out guitar, dirty pubs and cracked up pavements, violence
and love , all rolled into one, and now all this.
Submitted: Jinxster
1369.At the end you flip over and start again because now you are not
isolated. They have gone to work so that you can go home. High above
the day turns pink and you feel your feet lift above the ground as new
roads open up in front of you. In this town the jury is always rigged
but the people know. They always know the truth. Believe. Belief.
Beyond.
Submitted: Jinxster
1370.YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!! I WAS ONLY GONE THREE WEEKS!!!!!! And now look!
The paintball list! GONE GONE!!!!!!! Just Me, a pox upon your
firstborn for not fulfilling your simple duty!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1371.Tec42, you say you should keep this list going for me, but WHAT ABOUT
THE PAINTBALL LIST?!?!?! Who asked several folks to keep it going?
ME!!!! Who kept it going single handed for months at a time, adding
illrelevencies under random made up aliases? ME!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1372.I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1373.jUST ME, i AM VERY VERY DISSAPOINTED IN YOU.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1374.`
Submitted: The Phoenix
1375.#1371: heheheh... i was never a fan of the paintball list... i assumed
it was eternal (no pun intended) and didn't need feeding... now the
surreal list on the other hand - it's more fun than juggling buckets
of fetid dingoes kidneys!
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1376.And now we continue with "Philosophy for the Slightly Afflicted."
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1377.Professor Markybalarkey: "And so you see, it really is completely
unethical to just let a list die... The list has an essence, a purity
of being. The fact that so many people contribute-- they believe that
that individual list is there for them, and in doing so, that becomes
reality. The list really is there, just for them. Once again, deep
down, they know it will still be there, waiting, expectant, almost
demanding a new entry, when they return..."
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1378.Professor Schumnutz: "But don't you understand? What of those who
never contribute, those who never make that leap from reading, to
adding nonsensical entries for their own edification, those people who
read, and are amused, but would never consider posting under an alias,
or even five or ten, for that matter. For those people the list is
just an amusement, an occassional chuckle to break the endless tedium
of a long day. How can the list become more than that? The fact is,
the lists are just that, simple lists of inaccurate information,
existing only to stroke the egos of those people who wish to foist
there opinions on others. Allowing a list to die is just the natural
progression for an inanimate object - it proceeds from its usefulness
to uselessness, and as with a broken hammer, is just set aside when
its task is done. Remember when Karl Jung himself stated..."
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1379.Professor Markybalarkey (angrily): "Oh you and Jung can just go frig
yourselves and your superegos..." (a pause) "Would you like to come
back to my place?"
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1380.Professor Schumnutz: "I thought you'd never ask..."
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1381.From the east, pheonixes of every element gathered: the rock pheonix
(or roc), the firey pheonix, the wind pheonix, and the river pheonix.
And westward they traveled for 90 days and 15 nights until they
alighted on the spire of nixverell.
Submitted: ChAoS
1382.Under the spire of Nixverell gathered a strange and motley crew, a
cloud of entropic decay and randomness, a enraged albino, a dragon, a
rodent, and a woman in several forms the one from the east was lovely
a stunning example of woman hood, the one from the west was a
hallucigenic cloud, the one from the north was buck toothed and ugly
and the one from the south was a ugly man. "Only one of these
perceptions you experience are real" said the woman, "the others are
all your delusions."
Submitted: ChAoS
1383.Thus met the senate of top-N, a gathering storm of weird beasts, men,
and others approached to join up in this gathering, and to join minds
in a world wide web. "LONG LIVE TOP-N!"
Submitted: ChAoS
1384.Underwater log rolling competitions do not inspire admiration or
sexual frustration in chimpanzees.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1385.Oh, now you mock me? Thou art unwise to undertake such an endeavor.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1386.Damn you, damn me, I cant leave! Top-N sucks me out of the house and
deposits me in the local library where I am forced to log on!
Submitted: The Phoenix
1387.Be quiet dangerman.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1388.By the way, Liv if you wish to communicate o'er the summer you must
take pen to paper thyself.Thy address has been lost from mine own
hand.
Submitted: The Phoenix
1389.#1313: Um, can I ask, how could Michigan sink into the sea? Since it's
about 800 miles from the Atlantic, you know. So kind of the entire
eastern third of North America would need to sink.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1390.#1314: Mein Deutschland? Ja. Or Churmany, if you prefer.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1391.But no! The time grows short. I can only let you know that I am here,
and I am watching you.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1392.Soon I shall gain the ability to e-mail you, my friends, but for now I
cannot access my account. I hope to clear this up with my provider
soon -- and very soon.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1393.I AM STILL THE GREAT LORD KALHOUN, AND I AM STILL HERE!!!!!
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1394.#1393: Excuse me sir, you seem to be mistaken. I am now the Grape Lord
Kalhoun.
Submitted: Grape Lord(grapelord@vine.com)
1395.I am large, purple and sing happy songs to children. Many know me by
another name, and my trademarked goofy laugh.
Submitted: Grape Lord(grapelord@vine.com)
1396.THE ALIEN GRFVNBVOERGFREHLDAQW3Q SAGA BEGINS HERE
Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. )
1397.Streaming through the infinite inky blackness like a caffein powered
meteorite (a very accurite description) Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q's
ship hurtled towards the earth, where it noncorporeally flew through
big ben, through jinxsters head, and through t
Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. )
1398.Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q went up to Jinxster in human form and
said. "I am alien G* (humans cannot understand my name) I am lord of
the planet Scythia, The death lord of Guzinaguelia teamed up with the
Scythian Spider death god and is trying to take o
Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. )
1399.G* then went to america where he saw An angry white male (odd how the
blue, green, and purple ones look happy) G* said, "I need your help to
fight off an invasion," AWM said "do you have a green card?" "NO!"
Replied G* "but I do have a gold card." G* fled
Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. )
1400.and vanish he did, right into the astral plane, perhaps here someone
will help him fight off, Lord Calhoun, the Death Lord of Guzinaguelia!
He went to find his old friend eternal but eternal was no more, ChAoS
and Anarchy was all that was left but neither
Submitted: ChAoS(you can add on to this story if you like. )
1401.At this very moment, millions of people sit in the dark in their
underwear, worshipping the glowing object in the corner. As they gaze
into its bluish haze, they grasp the potato-like appendage and slide
it vigorously, all the while pushing the buttons on said appendage.
Their other hand is occupied as nude images dance across the face of
the glowing object. And then, a creepy voice from the other room
breaks the reverie: "Will you turn that damn computer off and go to
bed?"
Submitted: Cinque D. Jones((onliest and one the))
1402.The ancient and eternal one sat at one end of the table facing the one
who can not die. His ancient fingers slowly moved the chess piece,
knight takes pawn and another planet dies. Pawn takes bishop and
disease spreads. Rook takes king and the universe fa
Submitted: ChAoS
1403.Sir Real Of Toppen set out on a quest to kill the dragon lady, he was
used to jousting on sunny days but today is just too shady, The
reptillain beast was eating a feast of human and brimstone stew, It
turned to the knight who cowered in fright and said "
Submitted: ChAoS
1404.To qoute homer: D'oh! my poem was snipped and now I can't remember it.
Submitted: ChAoS
1405.Jennifer painted a picture of herself, tarped and tubed; then hid it.
Submitted: Dave Reckoning
1406.Only one frog can both ask and answer The Question of the Night, but
chooses not to.
Submitted: Dave Reckoning
1407.Only one frog can both ask and answer The Question of the Night, but
chooses not to.
Submitted: Dave Reckoning
1408.Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q ran for his life, panting and thoroughly
exhausted. The dogs and lights behind him continually drawing nearer;
the whop-whop-whopping of some noisy black insect overhead, a brutal
finger of light stabbing from it, scanning and searching for the
fugitive.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1409.Ahead in the distance he could see the steady glow of civilization,
and nearer, a bizarre little building, isolated and remote. Alien
Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q pressed onward, forcing a sprint from his three
exhausted lower limbs, and starting to feel the telltale signs of
cellular collapse within his muscles.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1410.He dropped another severed hand behind him, to buy himself time. It
seemed to slow the dogs down for a minute or two each time he did it.
Losing the samples was a tragedy, but right now, survival was foremost
in his mind.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1411.The building was closer now, the guardians out front appeared to be
sleeping - their long probiscus were safely nestled in their cradles
and no attendants were around to arouse them. Alien
Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q approached slowly now, skirting the edge of the
building and into the brightly lit front door.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1412.Behind the small table in front of him stood a human. It grinned
happily and said, "Hello. My name is Hajmu. Welcome to Slefen-Elefen.
How may I be helping you?"
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1413.Enraged, Alien Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q leaped up on the counter and
shrieked a Tellurian battle cry. His segmented tail lashed over his
shoulder, the barbed spike plunging itself into the chest of the
hapless human, causing an unholy scream of agony. Paralytic venom
rushed into the victim's bloodstream, and Hajmu's eyes rolled upward.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1414.Grabbing the twitching corpse with both hands, Alien
Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q slammed the cybernetic learning spike, recently
grafted to his forehead, into the brain of Hajmu. In a delicious rush,
a lifetime of memories, experiences, joys and sorrows flooded his
nervous system. An exotic thrill filled the alien, liquid ecstacy
dripping into every pore, every synapse.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1415.Small chemical changes began throughout his body, alterations of form,
adjustments of enzymatic processes, a rewiring of his internal
systems. In a total overflow of sensation, Alien
Grfvnbvoergfrehldaqw3q lapsed from consciousness. The lights flickered
twice, and things returned to normal.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1416.The two agents burst in through the front door, 9mm pistols in hand,
and rapidly searched the aisles of products for the fugitive creature.
Covering each other, and leaving no part of the store unturned, they
checked each of the cabinets, and the bathroom. Finally, they turned
to the man behind the counter.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1417.It grinned happily and said, "Hello. My name is Hajmu. Welcome to
Slefen-Elefen. How may I be helping you?"
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1418.A hundred wise men could not determine what it was.
Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal)
1419.A thousand earthly prophets could not foresee its arrival.
Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal)
1420.A million warriors could not repel it.
Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal)
1421.In the end, it was a little girl of but seven years of age who knew it
for what it was, and as she turned her face to the sky and pointed her
hinger towards the object known to others only as the Entity,
Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal)
1422.(TO BE CONTINUED)
Submitted: Sexy Alexei(tripping.out@his.remote.terminal)
1423.Shhhh! The curtains are breathing.
Submitted: jimi(@purple.micro.dot.com)
1424.I looked to my shed. What stirred in yonder Garden Maintainence
Utility Storage Construction?
Submitted: Dangerman
1425.T'was large. Too large to be a mere mortal. Too large even for a big
f***-off cow. I ventured outside to investigate.
Submitted: Dangerman
1426.I heard a munching sound from within. The shed. I shone a torch. "What
are you??" I shouted, manfully and yet with a delicate feminine edge.
Or something. I opened the door with a hefty kick.
Submitted: Dangerman
1427.Well, f*** me with a sawn-off shotgun, if it isn't everyone's
favourite overweight dead rapper the Notorious B.I.G! He turned round
with surprise and crushed the Flymo.
Submitted: Dangerman
1428."What the blazes are you doing in my shed?" I asked. He went to speak,
and three doughnuts fell from his sixteenth chin.
Submitted: Dangerman
1429."I thought you were dead!" I ejaculated. "I am. But that doesn't mean
I can't live in your shed, does it?" "I suppose not. Hey, why the long
face?" I enquired.
Submitted: Dangerman
1430."It sags under the sheer weighht of my collection of chins" he
replied. "And anyway, I'm dead. I was quite enjoying life".
Submitted: Dangerman
1431."Well, it serves you right for being a fat sleazy gang-war-loving
talentless lard-bucket. You do realise that if you'd gone easier on
the Big Macs, you would have been less of an easy target?"
Submitted: Dangerman
1432."I know. I shouldn't be living in your shed without asking anyway,
should I? I'll get my things and go. Pass me that Shovel would you?
There's, erm, something I need to clear up.".
Submitted: Dangerman
1433."So why were you living in my shed anyway?" I asked. "I was just
hangin' with the hoes" he replied, in a rather pitiful conclusive
punchline. "By the way, don't look in the greenhouse" he said, as he
lumbered off to visit his mum Rosie Gaines.
Submitted: Dangerman
1434.I looked in the greenhouse and had the shock of my life. "BUGGER OFF,
TUPAC!!! AND GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PARSLEY!!" You wouldn't get this
trouble with Hanson, I mused.
Submitted: Dangerman
1435.Going all the way back to #231, Jinxster: is that a threat or an
invitation?
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1436.Why is Yoda eating that tarpaulin? That must taste like cardboard
slowly basted in a sauce of melted Scotch tape and roofing tar. But
perhaps he enjoys that sort of thing.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1437.And so the Four Arsemen of the Apocalypse decided that it would be
better to become the Four Arsemen of Calypso, and they moved to
Kingston, Jamaica, where they received a brutal scathing by the local
music aficionadoes.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1438.They then reconsidered that perhaps being the Four Arsemen of Calypso
was perhaps not such a good idea as they had previously thought, and
became the Four Arsemen of the Appendix. Failing medical school
because of losing their fourth companion to smallpox, the Three
Arsemen committed mass suicide as members of the Heaven's Gate.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1439.Once inside the secret flying saucer behind comet Hale-Bopp, they
decided to visit the aliens' old buddies who crashed in 1947 in
Roswell, New Mexico. Finding that it was all a big mistake involving
dummies for parachute tests and weather balloons, even though
parachute dummies weren't used until 1953, they gave up all hope of
ever having any fun.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1440.Fun, though, is a relative term; they were having much more fun the
Four Pursemen of the Appomattox, the Four Coarse Men of the Alcatraz,
and the Four Source Men of the Atlas all put together.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1441.Still, they thought, we miss our adventures with Phoenix and Kalhoun.
And what ever happened to that little Pixie, too? These unanswered
questions forced them to return to the surreal domain of Top-N, much
as its alluring call has done to me.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1442.They returned, and since in Surreality anything can happen they were
rejoined by the Fourth Arseman, who had really only been temporarily
delayed by his fatal case of smallpox. "Thanks anyway for the
cremation," he said, "but as you can see it was really all
unnecessary."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1443.After a good round of congratulations and arse-slapping, the Arsemen
were ready to begin their search for Kalhoun and the Phoenix. "But
where shall we begin?" asked the First. "Right here, of course," said
the Third, and they proceeded to wait for seven years, six months, and
thirty-eight seconds.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1444.Precisely at that moment which they had known the Phoenix would show
up, by a freak use of the Improbability Drive, Ford Prefect showed up
wearing the Phoenix's head. "My oh my," he exclaimed softly, "I seem
to be rather muddled at the moment. Be back in a jiffy." So he
vanished and the Arsemen waited another sixteen years, four months,
three days and 4.298 nanoseconds.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1445.The Second Arsman then asked the Third, "has it been a jiffy yet?"
"No," he replied, "I expect it'll be another minute or two.
Seventy-seven years and three minutes later, the Phoenix appeared in
full battle guise. "Well, what are you waiting for?" he shouted, "we
must leave NOW if we're to stop the Undulating Hybrid Goat-Panda from
destroying Ulaanbatar!"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1446.Wondering why they should care about Mongolia's capital city, they
nevertheless got up off their arses and followed the Phoenix to the
cold nation uneasily situated between China and Russia. They asked the
Phoenix if Kalhoun would be accompanying them.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1447."No," he said, "this is a solo job. Kalhoun is somewhere else at the
moment doing urgent business. Santiago, Chile, as I believe." The
Arsemen wondered what could possibly be of interest to Kalhoun in
Chile, but before the thought was put into words (which, for the
Arsemen, is not saying much) Kalhoun popped in, dropped from a height
of 30,000 feet from a Russian cargo plane without a parachute. He fell
in among the Arsemen and landed on top of their card table.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1448."Blast!" Kalhoun cried, "I can't believe I missed landing on that dime
I threw out last week!" And so it came to pass that Kalhoun, for
reasons unknown in Siberia instead of Chile, had chosen to join the
Arsemen on their mission to Mongolia. "Such a joyful day is this, and
a jolly good reunion," thought the Fourth Arseman, who didn't speak
much. "Now if only Jinxster the Pixie were here... ah, but, that is
too much to hope for."
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1449.Later, after wandering in the mountains of Mongolia for about three
decades and finding no trace of the Goat-Panda, Kalhoun asked the
First Arseman, "so what are we looking for anyway, old chap?" He was
told in reply, "The Horrible Undulating Hybrid Goat-Panda!"
"Horrible!?" shouted the Second Arseman, "you never said anything
about horrible!" And he fled into the woods and was killed by a
four-foot vampire bat.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1450.The bat, sensing that more tasty blood was to be had in the other
Arsemen and especially the Phoenix and Kalhoun, crept up behind the
party. A stirring of recognition moved the old bat to remember
something from long ago, in her less-troubled past... when she was a
carefree, loving pixie who never drank anyone's blood. Suddenly she
fully realized the centuries-old memory and shouted out, "Hey,
Phoenix! Kalhoun! Hey!" They did not hear her so she shouted more
loudly.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1451.Upon turning to see who that blasted idiot was who was yelling at them
incessantly, the Phoenix saw the bat and became afraid. "Nay, fear
not, my friend," said Kalhoun in comfort, "methinks -- yes! It is! Our
good old friend Jinxster, though horribly mutated and metamorphosed."
The Phoenix ceased weeping like a little girl and began to laugh at
his own cowardice, as the Arsemen were already doing.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1452.Jinxster the Bat caught up with them at last, and there was a happy,
if tense, celebration. Phoenix looked jittery and nearly crawled into
a fetal position several times, but each time Kalhoun had the Arsemen
kick his arse for being so silly and he recovered. They pressed
Jinxster for the story of her transformation (found in 1257-1282), and
after she had finished, Kalhoun became concerned.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1453."What kind of joy must it have been, to allow it to be contaminated by
evil? Surely the purest and highest kind of joy cannot be assaulted by
grief, else it would be lesser than the evil of the world. The joy of
true life, though it feels pain, sadness and compassion for the
suffering, cannot truly be quenched by the dark forces! How, old bat,
do you think I have survived and remained hopeful and optimistic even
in a world such as this?"
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1454.Though they never did confront the Horrible Undulating Hybrid
Goat-Panda, the little band of companions had a nice tea party and
watched some old episodes of Doctor Who to compensate for the lost
fun.
Submitted: Lord Kalhoun I
1455.Once upon a time in a sleepy fishing village lived a young man called
Pedro.
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1456.Pedro, like all the men in his village, was a fisherman, but unlike
all the men in his village, he had a slightly different attitude to
fishing in that his boat rarely entered the water. Pedro's boat was
pulled high up on the beach, turned over and propped up with a lump of
driftwood. Each day, early in the morning, all the men of the village
would go out to sea in their fishing boats. Pedro, however, would go
to the beach, attach a fishing line to his big toe, crawl underneath
his boat and sleep the day away.
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1457.Many seasons passed peacefully for Pedro, until one day the local
fishing magnate walked down to the beach to where Pedro lay sleeping
under his boat.
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1458.The rich old man shook Pedro awake. "Pedro!" he exclaimed, "Why do you
spend all day, every day, asleep here under your boat, unlike all the
other men, who go uot to sea each day?" He paused, waiting for Pedro
to offer an explanation. Pedro stayed quiet. "Pedro, I think you
should turn your boat up the right way round, put it in the water and
go fish!"
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1459."Why?" asked Pedro.
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1460."Because if you take your boat out to sea and cast your net, you will
catch some fish," he explained. "Some of the fish you catch during
your day at sea feed you, the extra fish you bring back to the market
where you can sell them. The money you make from selling the fish you
can save. Then the next day, you go out fishing again and catch more
fish. The more fish you catch, the more you can sell, and the more
money you can save."
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1461."But why?" asked Pedro.
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1462.The old man leaned forward and lowered his voice. "Once you have saved
enough money, Pedro," he whispered confidentially, "you will be able
to buy another fishing boat, then you can employ other men to crew
your new fishing boat, between your new boats you will catch twice as
many fish and make twice as much money."
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1463."Eventually" he shouted in excitement, "eventually, you will be able
to buy many boats and employ many fishermen and make lots and lots of
money!"
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1464.Pedro reflected briefly on the improbability of the concept and simply
asked "Why would I want to do that?"
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1465."Like me, you will own a magnificent fleet of fishing boats," he
exclaimed, "and the richest companies in the world will come to you,
Pedro, and beg to buy your fleet, making you very, very rich indeed."
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1466."And why would I want to be rich?" asked Pedro, completely
non-plussed.
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1467."WHY, WHY, WHY... why, then, you foolish young man, then you can spend
the rest of your life lying on a beach."
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1468.Pedro smiled, lay back and closed his eyes.
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1469.And the moral of this story is, why work for what is free?
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1470.#1435: Why, my dear, I had no idea you were into that sort of thing!
OK, what sort of bondage would you like, leather straps, cuffs or
silk? And which whip would you like, the cane, the cat, or the
bullwhip?
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1471.#1389: Oh it was nothing. We just prised the St Lawrence River open
with a crowbar and let Michigan float down it. Although that eastern
third of North America sinking is a pretty good idea too. Maybe we'll
do that as well.
Submitted: Jinxster the Leather-Clad Pixie
1472.Selma the dancing chicken spring from its perch and lewdly gyrated,
quietly clucking out a seductive sonnet. It batted its eyes at Farmer
Bob, and delicately traced a heart shape in the dirt of the farmyard.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1473.Farmer Bob grabbed the pullet by the neck, and quickly and cleanly
beheaded it on the chopping block. Dinner tonight was going to be
great!
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1474.The other forty chickens, saddened, yet somehow prepared for the
tragedy, watched the animated corpse of Selma run around the yard for
a moment, then turned to each other and started thinking. Sooner or
later, they'd find something they could do to end this slaughter.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1475.Chickens cross the road because it is written in the scriptures.
Submitted: Me(?@?)
1476.Come to think of it, there's a lot of crap written in other much more
prominent publications that doesn't get a second glance.
Submitted: Me(?@?)
1477.Did you ever hear the joke about the sky? It's way over your head.
Submitted: Me(?@?)
1478.Did you ever hear the joke about the three wells? Well, well, well.
Submitted: Me(?@?)
1479.This list is full of posts from people who have no idea what they are
talking about and they should all find some other constructive things
to do other than yank themselves and try to come up with something
funny to post.
Submitted: Me(?@?)
1480.Just me sat their with birds nests in his hair in the hollow duck from
post #874.
Submitted: anonymous
1481.1477-1478: "this isn't the rubbish jokes list" said Dangerman as he
went by planting bombs.
Submitted: anonymous
1482.#1479: Look out folks, Notorious B.I.G fan incoming!!!!
Submitted: Dangerman
1483.And so Dragonlady awakes again and realizes that Rat's birthday is
coming! What should she give him? Money? Fine gifts? A lap-dance?
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com)
1484.No, none of that will do for her fine friend Rat! Dragonlady thinks of
something better, and she's so nice she delivers it several days
before his birthday. That's how nice a person Dragonlady is.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com)
1485.Wonder what Dragonlady gave her friend Rat for his 19th birthday? I'll
tell you...
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com)
1486.She handcuffed him to the deck in his back yard, and flogged him with
her riding crop! 19 times plus one to grow on.
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com)
1487.Now wasn't that nice of her?
Submitted: Dragonlady(@dragon.dominatrix.com)
1488.Ummm, did I mention it's my birthday this week, DragonLady? I'm, erm,
473.
Submitted: Dangerman
1489.Don't forget the one for luck...
Submitted: Dangerman
1490.Look now, the Bulls are finished being the champs. The Jazz are the
only team that gave them a run for their money. When the Jazz would
win, it'd be by around 15 points. When the Bulls would win, it'd be by
only one or two. I think everybody hear is smart enough to figure this
out. The Bulls stink.
Submitted: anonymous
1491.This list is too long
Submitted: Da' Muffin Man(Lives@Dreary.Lane.com)
1492.I CAN'T FIND MY POSTS WHEN I POST THEM, WHERE ARE THEY GOING?
Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo)
1493.
``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_
Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo)
1494.
``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_
Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo)
1495.
``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_/``\_
Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo)
1496.() )) CRAYOLA )) ) () )) CRAYOLA )) ) () )) CRAYOLA )) )
Submitted: Twilight Zone(doo.doo.doo.doo)
1497.Just for those who are interested: Until this entry, 'arse' is the
514th most commonly used word on this list, and is less often used
than 'wiggle' (#509). Word #69 is "TiGar". Ironically, "DragonLady"
clocks in at #98, 2 places above "Surreal". "Evil" places at #201, and
position #666 is held by "surreality". The words "landscape",
"offers", "peas", "perform", "smooth" (amongst many others) appear
only twice. Finally, the ultimate answer to life, the universe and
everything is either #42: "What?", or the words that are used 42 times
"Head" "way" "here" "master".
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1498.Smooth peas perform landscape offers. Smooth peas perform landscape
offers. Smooth peas perform landscape offers. Smooth peas perform
landscape offers. That should shake things up a bit.
Submitted: Tec42(lost@c)
1499.Bullheads, bullheads, itty bitty bullheads, bullheads, bullheads, eat
them up. YUM!
Submitted: ChAoS demento
1500.Lord Kalhoun shot Alien NgrywhtmlRdmnJnxstrgqw3w with a decanter of
endless watermelons then the vampire stake building fell.
Submitted: ChAoS demento
1501.the pied viper stares into your soul, calling the rats to their doom.
Submitted: ChAoS demento
1502.The Sparrow Ag Knew didn't know itself.
Submitted: ChAoS demento
1503.Fly your trout!
Submitted: ChAoS demento
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