Sonic the Hedgehog #51
"Reality Bytes"
By Archie Comics
Review By Roland Lowery, aka Jim Doe
------------------------------------
At first glance, the art in this issue looks spectacular, if a
little edgy. But, when I got home and actually sat down and read the
comic, and looked at the art, I found that what I had glanced at (page 4,
where Sally is revealed to be a robot and page 19-20, where Sonic
realizes its nothing but a dream) was just about the only good art in
there. The rest of it is handed out in Sam Maxwell's normal uneven, and
occaisionaly off-model, work. It was very unfortunate, as in the few
panels I had glanced at before showed that Maxwell is capable of good
work at times, but he still falls short of that. Oh, well . . . on to the
credits.
THE GUILTY PARTIES -----------------------------------------------
I looked, as many other reviewers looked, and simply could not
find the credits for this issue. Maxwell wasn't hard to figure out, as
his style seems to be instantly recognizable. The inker (possibly Pam
Eklund, there's really no way to tell), writer, letter, etc., however,
can't be discerned. Well, if *I* were the writer or one of the artists
of this issue, *I* wouldn't have wanted my name plastered to it. Of
course, if *I* were writer/penciler/inker/whatever, I probably would have
thrown this junk out in the first place and started over again.
So, no credits in the comic, no credits in this review. Not even
the editors. =P
THE COVER -------------------------------------------------------
Pretty nice, except Sally and Bunnie look like they've been
hypnotized, and Rotor is going to start singing "Memories" or something
by the looks of it.
The scene (drawn and inked by my usually favorite team, Spaz and
Harvo) is of the Knothole victory party. Sonic, Sally (who replaced
Hershey on that dummy cover sent out as a promo), Rotor, Antoine, Tails,
Bunnie, and even li'l Amy Rose are up on a platform while Bark, Bean, and
a few other familiar characters (who obviously survived the Great War
scene from the last issue) are down in the crowd, cheering. Transparent
confetti is floating from above, and Tails has thrown his back out after
breaking the thumb on his right hand (I expected better than this from
Spaz/Harvo).
Someone decided to try out their computer skills, it would seem,
and they didn't bother to cover it up very well. Many of the lines
(especially the arc of Sonic's left eye) are blocky, and the shadows are
presice dots. I'd say that Heroic Age colored this cover, but as far as
I've seen, they don't do this kind of amatuerish thing.
And, gosh darn it, Spaz/Harvo went and put their signature down at
the corner in black and white. I'm already missing not having to search
for it in the picture.
SPLASH PAGE -----------------------------------------------------
Hey, some actually good work from Maxwell! But . . . it's covered
with useless text! What's the point of telling us all this stuff about
the past few issues? If we haven't been paying attention, we shouldn't
be buying the comic! Do they really think we have that short of an
attention span?
Urgh . . . and like I said before, it's covering up some half-way
descent stuff from Maxwell! How ironic!
Besides, this splash could have just been cut out to make room for
a main shot of the victory part going on at Knothole, instead of it
jumping directly to -
PAGES 1-2 -------------------------------------------------------
-, where we find the core Freedom Fighters having a side
celebration with Sonic. A nice pic of Sally ruined by a sea-otter
version of Antoine, an angry looking Uncle Chuck, and a
barely-visible-behind-Sonic-And-Sally Bunnie.
Sonic is trying to figure out why they've dragged him from the
main celebration when a firefly . . . with . . . HAIR zips by . . . .
With HAIR? And without a mouth! Mutant firefly's on the loose! Run!
Actually, the firefly could lend a rather strange explination . .
. but that will be saved until later.
So, Sally makes the comment that Sonic may not be so swift as he
likes to have everyone think he is, because he can't figure out the side
party. So, Chuck says: "Or maybe my nephew's been so tired after
finally defeating Robotnik . . . that he hasn't had a moment to slow
down!" Gotta love that logic, Unc. The first thing I always make sure NOT
to do when I get tired is slow down. Heck, Uncle Chuck makes
it sound like it's almost inexorable or something!
So, they decide to reveal to Sonic that they've pulled him away
from the party so that they can give him a medal (which couldn't be done
in public, I guess . . .)
PAGES 3-5 -------------------------------------------------------
Later that night, everyone's gone to bed, and we get treated to a
shot of the inside of Sonic's bedroom. Aw, lookit Sonic in his little
bitty race car bed! Jeez, man, are the Freedom Fighters really that hard
up for resources, that Sonic still has to sleep in the bed he's probably
had since he was four? "Sorry, Sonic, no bed for you this month! We
need the wood for fire kindling!"
At least Sonic took off his shoes (which are sporting shoelaces
that are never seen when they're tied up . . . I always assumed his shoes
were the pull-over kind with elastic around the ankle) and socks to go to
bed (though he still has his gloves and medal on).
Sally rushes in and attempts to wake Sonic up. Nicole announces
that he may be too tired from the party to be of any use on the Secret
Mission (tm) (which obviously isn't secret enough that Nicole can keep
from just blabbing it out where any spies (at least, any GOOD spies)
could hear them).
Sonic eventually wakes up and follows Sally into the Great Forest.
He complains that she has explained nothing about the Secret Mission (tm)
yet, and that this is nothing like how she normally acts. So, Sally
turns evil (in one of the few well drawn panels in the comic, after which
she turns into Babs Bunny for the next panel), and tells Sonic that his
Secret Mission (tm) isn't so secret after all!
Funny thing, . . . I had been under the impression that this was
SALLY'S Secret Mission (tm)! Oh, well, let's not argue over illogic,
shall we?
ComBots jump out of the foilage, and Sonic says it can't be, and
that it's not possible. Well, Sonnie-boy, just because you got rid of
Robotnik, that doesn't get rid of his 'bots right off the bat, and they
DO remember where Knothole at least USED to be. They just patrol the area
for a bit, wait for a Freedom Fighter to stick his or her head out, and
BOOM! Mobian road pizza, and the 'bots know the location of the entrance
to Knothole.
Anyways, the ComBots open fire, and Sonic escapes in a very
confusing panel. Sally, now a robot, informs Sonic that Knothole will
soon belong to Dr. Ivo Robotnik. Of course, this robo-Sally could have
just killed Sonic in his sleep and Robotnik would've had Knothole a
little earlier, but what would the fun in that be?
PAGES 6-9 -------------------------------------------------------
Tails (who appears to be having a hernia) is just in time to save
Sonic from getting blasted. They fly along for a few seconds, then a
holographic projection of a TV screen, featuring the "All Charles
Hedgehog's Head Channel" pops up in front of them. Instead of going
deeper into this, the action suddenly switches to a Buzz Bomber coming up
from behind.
Yes, this model of Buzz Bomber comes with some old afterburners, a
deep rooted hatred of hedgehogs, and "no-longer-state-of-the-art laser
cannons" (which look suspiciously like missles, instead). Meanwhile,
Crabmeat is crawling around on the ground below.
Of all the times to do so, Tails decides to pull the old red-eye
routine and becomes a robot, just like Sally. Someone needs to start
passing out the Visene.
He then drops Sonic towards the waiting crab-bot. The blue blur
somehow saves himself by somehow creating an explosion that uproots at
least five trees (the special effects people must have rigged the ground
to blow up for some reason), and then digging into the ground.
Tails, now fully a robot, demands to know where Sonic disappeared
to. To which Crabmeat can only reply "Cheeky monkey!" I'm guessing this
means that it's Coconut's (from the Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog)
fault, which makes about as much sense as anything else in this issue.
And then we get treated to a shot of Sonic digging in the ground,
along with another appearance from the Ghost of Chuck's long dead cable
TV show (aka, his holographic head on a holographic TV screen).
PAGES 11-13 ------------------------------------------------------
Sonic pops out of the ground near the "hot spring", as he called
it on the last page. Sitting there waiting for him is Bunnie, sporting a
nasty looking couple of holes in her leg.
What happened to Bunnie's leg is a mystery, since she doesn't
answer Sonic's question about it. From what it looks like, she has taken
two hits to the lower right calf. It would appear that she was shot from
behind, since the metal is bent out from the direction that the shots
went in.
Buuuuut . . . if she was shot by ComBots (or, indeed, just about
ANY of Robotnik's 'bots), then she would have been hit by lasers, which
would have simply cut right through her leg, hence no metal bending
outward because the metal would have been neatly sheared away. So, it
could have been a projectile weapon, but not many people on Mobius,
especially not 'Buttnik's 'bots, use projectile weapons. So, another
explination might be that a 'bot like Crabmeat grabbed her leg and
squeezed with their claws, and ripped the metal outward. But, in this
case, the gouges would be more like slashes rather than holes. So,
another explination might be that something or two in her leg blew up.
But, all of this is idle speculation. On with the comic.
Sonic helps Bunnie up, and she promptly gets some of her purple
mascara in her eyes, causing her to do the red eye thing that seems so
popular with traitorous Freedom Fighters these days.
Bunnie, who's accent has mysteriously disappeared, mentions that a
holographic image of Uncle Chuck appeared and shot lasers at her
(seemingly the reason behind her wounded leg, but I've already ruled out
the lasers already (see above)), to which Sonic replies that he saw the
same projection a minute ago. Obviously, he doesn't realize that two
projectors = two projections! Chuck is still bound to the rule of
physics that one object can't be in two different places, but his hologram
is not. Sonic yawns (YAWNS?) and says that Bunnie might have been
planning to get the jump on him, and she decides to do just that - jump on
him. He, however, ducks, and she, somehow, gets stuck in a boulder.
Sonic runs for the "hot spring" and finds a ring sticking out of
the water . . . and STUCK IN it, too! Bunnie bunnie-hops up behind him,
becomes a robot, then suddenly gets a "ring for a straight-jacket!" Yes,
somehow (no telling HOW), Sonic has pulled the ring out of the water and
slipped it over Bunnie.
Ah, will the wonders never cease?
PAGES 14-15 -----------------------------------------------------
Apparantly not.
Sonic makes it back to the entrance to Knothole (and for some
reason sees nothing wrong with Sally and the ComBots not being there
anymore), and slides on in. Half-way down, his Uncle's Japanese Soap
Opera pops up in front of him again. Chuck says (and I quote):
"Hikaske on hukenox am yoque!"
Sonic, who "no habla gibberish", tries to figure out what his
beloved Unc has to say. Meanwhile, Chuck babbles on, nonplussed.
"Keneg nid trembo, Sonic!"
Hey! He said Sonic! Well, that definitly means he's talking to
Sonic, for all the good it does for his nephew.
Okay, if you're on CSA's mailing list and reading this, then you
know this part already. It had been kicked around for a while that what
Chuck says is Japanese. This is simply not true. It may sound like
Japanese at some places, but some of the letters/pronunciations do not
exist in the Japanese vocabulary. What Chuck says is, in fact, gibberish
that the people at Archie made up to make it sound like what he actually
said was garbled in the transmission.
Now, with that done, on to -
PAGES 16-18 -----------------------------------------------------
"Whoops Apocalypse!" Hehe . . . doesn't make much sense, but I
like saying anyway!
Page 16 has got to be the second best panel in this entire issue,
and a true show of what Maxwell could do if he really put his mind to it.
Sonic has ran out of the oak slide and entered Knothole, where he is
surrounded by his robot-form ex-friends, as well as the king of lard
himself, Doctor Julian Ivo Robotnik (accompanied by Cluck, his
ever-faithful (if rarely shown) robotic bird).
And now for a few words from the dead doctor:
"Ah, Sonic! I've waited for this moment a long time! I finally
have Knothole . . . and now I've captured you, as well, despite your
valiant efforts! How does it feel to have egg on your face?"
Sonic, somehow, caught a pun in there somewhere, but I sure can't!
The closest thing to a pun in there is "egg on your face", but it isn't a
pun; it's a figure of speech which means you're embarassed!
Anyways, Robotnik goes into a long speech about how he's turned
Sonic's friends against him, and taken the Magic Rings, and how Sonic
should just give up and join them. The robo-version Freedom Fighters
take up this cry ("Join us! Join us! Join us!"). Very scary.
PAGES 19-20 -----------------------------------------------------
Sonic, who is about to be trashed in a most serious way, sees his
life flash before his eyes. As the memories flash by, and with the help
of the reappearance of the Big Babbling Head of Chuck, he suddenly gets
the idea that none of this seems real, and things start to de-rezz. THE
best panel in the comic is here, the one showing Robotnik up-close as he
de-rezzes! I want this in poster size so I can hang it up in my room!
Robotnik's parting words? "Hanend du Nagun?!" (Translation from
gibberish: "Jeez, am I not dead YET?!")
Then, a close up of Sonic's big beautiful brown eyes -
PAGES 21-23 -----------------------------------------------------
- and we're back to Sonic's bedroom, where Sonic and Chuck have
their heads in some weird contraption and all the core Freedom Fighters
are standing around.
Hey, waitaminute, . . . why are they still in Sonic's room?
Surely a coma-like state deserves a hospital room!
So, here's how it turns out. The medal Sonic had been presented
with at the beginning of the comic had been "booby-trapped with an
artificial virus" that placed Sonic in a "virtual reality nightmare".
Now, to paraphrase a quote from Sideshow Bob on The Simpsons, that
was a almost delightful piece of non-claptrap that never even made me
want to retch.
Whoever wrote this (and I'm strongly beginning to suspect
Gahllager) obviously doesn't know all that much about viruses, virtual
reality, or nightmares. Viruses (even artificial ones) are created to
infect a host and take over one cell at a time, not alter a beings brain
waves while they sleep to create a vivid nightmare world. Where Sonic
was was, indeed, a nightmare inside his own head, and nightmares are not
(repeat NOT) virtual reality. They are dreams, and in a class of their
own.
So, here's MY explination of what happened. That
firefly/lightning bug/whatever at the beginning of the comic was a
robotic construct created by on of the FF's enemies. It flew by, saw
opportunity, and landed on Sonic's medal. It inserted a device (or merely
pasted one on) into the medal, then flew off. The device in the medal
then read Sonic's brainwaves until it determined that he was asleep, then
started emitting waves that coincided, then subtley altered Sonic's
waves. It was able to create the nightmare world that Sonic was trapped
in. Why this next part is, I don't know, but bear with me. If Sonic had
agreed to join the robot-Freedom Fighters, the device would have caused
him to either enter a coma from which he would never wake up, or flatline
him terminally. As I said before, I don't know why this is. The device
could have just done this in the first place, but maybe its creator wanted
Sonic to suffer a little first.
So, in response to the device, Chuck "hastily whipped up" a
contraption so he could project himself into Sonnie-boy's nightmare
world. This begs the question: how long was Sonic under? It is true
that the brain cycles during the night, and dreams will abruptly stop and
start (normally picking up where they left off, leaving us with the belief
that they continue on through the night), but Sonic seemed to be in his
nightmare world for only twenty to thirty minutes, probably less. So,
that would mean he had been asleep (at a rough guess) about five to six
hours. Definitly not long enough for anyone to get worried about him,
find out that he's in a coma/trance like sleep, and simply "whip up" a
contraption the size of Chuck's!
Nevertheless, however it happened, Sonic is back among the living,
and everyone is happy, even Rotor, who was seemingly knocked cross-eyed
during last night's party.
Sonic jumps out of bed, mentioning how bad it would've been if
Robotnik had "scored from beyond the grave". Uncle Chuck says that it
wasn't Robotnik's doing at all, but apparently he sees no reason to
elaborate! Instead of sticking in an eplination, they have one panel
dedicated to a big "Duh?" from - er, I mean, a big "Huh?" from the rest
of the Freedom Fighters, and a half-page panel dedicated to everyone
standing around while Sonic ponders ". . . if 'Buttnik WASN'T behind this,
then WHO?" Again, no one decides to answer. I guess the readers don't
NEED to know what's going on anymore, since the explinations wouldn't make
any more sense than the questions do! Oh, well . . .
SONIC-GRAMS -----------------------------------------------------
I'd love to give a big congrats to the Green Gibbon! for getting
his letter printed in the letters page! You done the rest of us on the
CSA mailing list proud, man.
Except, . . . what're you doing sending them SNAIL MAIL?!?! =]
PARTING SHOTS ---------------------------------------------------
Well, that was a load of crapola. A lotta bad art + a lotta bad
writing + a lotta bad just about everything else = a lotta bad comic, and
quite a few sore readers. I don't know what Archie thinks they're doing,
but they are definitly on the fast track to getting a series of theirs
cancelled due to low sales. A few die-hard Sonic fans will probably go
with the flo until things pan out and quality goes up, but I'm sorry to
say that I'm not going to be one of them.
I'm on a limited budget, and unless Archie doesn't shape up, I'm
not going to be picking up another issue for a long time, and I feel that
a lot of other readers are going to do the same. I and they don't have
the resources, the time, or the patience to put up with this stuff (save
for the nitpicking value, but even that loses its intrest when EVERYTHING
about the comic is nitpickable). I'm going to hang in until the Brave
New World special, but if it's still crapola, I'll just keep reading the
reviews posted on the list or on webpages until they seem worth my money
again.
Hopefully, though, things will be looking up two months from now.
And, of course, we still have the Knuckles series, which is shaping up to
be a rather good piece of work.
Oh, well. It looks like I'm going to have to start getting up at
six or seven in the morning so I can catch the SatAM cartoon. And I need
to get my Sega Genesis back from a friend who's borrowing it, and find
out where I can get a subscription card to Sonic the Comic . . .
Roland Lowery, aka Jim Doe
(
geocities.com/timessquare/dungeon) (
geocities.com/timessquare)