Which is better, Dungeons and Dragons or sex?

D&D requires at least two players; it's best with around six, but beyond that it gets unwieldy.
... okay, so far there's no difference. Next item.

If you buy an issue of Dungeon Magazine with a solo adventure, you can even play D&D by yourself.
Every issue of Playboy contains a solo adventure. Score one for sex.

After sex you have to wash the sheets.
After D&D you just tuck your sheet in your notebook and go home. One-all.

If you have sex in public you get arrested.
You can play D&D on the bus if you're quiet. D&D, 2-1.

If you forget to protect yourself in D&D you have to roll up a new character.
If you forget to protect yourself in sex you're six feet under. D&D, 3-1.

There are lots of movies about sex.
The "true story" Mazes and Monsters was based on actually didn't have much to do
with D&D at all. Plus the movie sucked. One point for sex.

D&D wizards use mystical incantations and bizarre powders to work miracles.
Incantations are OK, but if you use funny smelling powder to enhance sex you'll wind up in Sing Sing. One more for D&D.

Priests are the lamest character class in D&D.
Priests aren't so great at sex, either. No score.

Buying an erotic novel is humiliating.
Buying a Forgotten Realms novel is also humiliating. No score.

Marriage is an everpresent hazard of sex.
Most D&D players die virgins. D&D, 5-2.

If you need advice for your D&D campaign, you can ask on Usenet.
Mention the word "sex" on Usenet and you'll drown in spam. D&D wins.

If you scream for your deity in D&D, there's a 1% chance he'll show up.
If you scream for your deity during sex your partner will get a swelled head.
D&D, 7-2.

D&D players have to contend with Cerberus, the Dog from Hell.
So will you if you accept a blind date with your friend's sister-in-law. No score.

D&D with candles on the table is atmospheric.
Sex with candles on the bed is an accident waiting to happen. D&D.

The warm glow after sex lasts until the next morning.
The warm glow from finally slaying Bargle the Infamous lasts all week. D&D.

A date expects to be taken to an expensive restaurant.
Your gaming buddies expect you to order Little Caesar's again. D&D, 9-2.

Your parents don't want you to have sex.
Your parents are even less thrilled about D&D. Sex wins.

Some DMs can game continuously for fifteen hours.
Sting is married. D&D wins.

The Christian Coalition lobbies for ruthless persecution of homosexuals.
Most gaming groups are all men, and nobody bats an eye. D&D.

Whips only do 1d2/1 damage, so no one bothers with them.
No, I don't have a joke for this one, but sex wins anyway.

There are lots of comic books about sex, but most are really dumb.
Bone. ElfQuest. Nuff said. D&D, 11-4.

If you have sex with your professors you'll get expelled.
If you game with your professors you can kiss your social life goodbye. No score.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was awesome in the Conan movies.
Brigitte Nielsen was in those movies too. Who watched Arnie?

D&D is a creative, intellectual sport that demands cunning, foresight, and good resource management skills.
Who wants that? Score one for sex.

If you don't have miniatures, you can always use your little brother's action figures.
If you use your little brother's action figures for sex you have to buy him new ones. D&D 12, sex 6.

You can reminisce with your old gaming partners for hours.
I can never figure out what to say to my ex's. D&D.

There are lots of jerks out there who want nothing but sex.
There are lots of dorks out there who want nothing but games. No score.

If you forget your character sheet, the DM will throw dice at you.
In some countries throwing dice is foreplay. Sex.

Some gaming stores have rooms set aside where you can game all night for free.
Some nightclubs have rooms set aside, but they charge an arm and a leg. D&D.

You're never too old to fall in love.
You're never too old to hack apart an orc, either. No score.

xXxenophile unsuccessfully tried to incorporate sex into roleplaying.
Incorporating roleplaying into your sex is fun! Sex.

There are some great computer roleplaying games.
Strip poker against a computer palls very, very quickly. D&D, 14-8.

Speaking in D&D jargon can get you lots of funny looks.
Speaking in sex jargon can get you tossed out of most places. D&D.

Finally: Cindy Crawford doesn't play D&D.
Like you'll ever sleep with her ... no score.
 

Final score: Dungeons and Dragons, 15. Sex, 8.

And so ends the human race.

As told to Serena Wakefield.
This document copyright © 1998 Raistlin Serena Wakefield.
Pahn and the illustration of Pahn are copyright © 1996 by Konami Co., td.
Used without permission.