157 things you dont want to hear
your apprentice say
1. "Does Enlarge work on a Sphere of Annihilation?" (Michael Sandy)
2. "You wouldn't mind if I took the carpet for a trip over a weekend, would you?"
3. "Was that rune inscribed on the cage important?"
4. "Want some help?"
5. "Could you come down here? I mean, now?" (Jason D Corley)
6. Quick !! How does one unsummon a demon lord ?
7. I wonder what this wand does ? <as he waves it around>
8. Remember that demon that you had imprisoned down in the cellar ? Well ....
9. Oooops !!
10. Was I supposed to light the candles around the pentagram ? (Jose L. Martinez)
11. "You mean those sticks (read wands) in the corner weren't kindling?"
12. "I finally shot that owl that's been folowing you around!"
13. "HHHHHHHEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!"
14. "By the way, what's the reverse of "summon"?"
15. "That fire wand only had 25 charges left on it!"
16. "How do you you control something once it gets out of the pentagram?"
(Karl Jacobs)
17. "The warding circle for this demon wasn't continuous before, was it?"
18. "What happens if I mix these two potions together?"
19. "So this wand fires a fireball if I point it at something and say Braxat'?" (Boom!)
20. "How was I supposed to know she was a succubus?"
21. "You wouldn't happen to have a banishment spell memorized... Oh, no reason...."
(The Grim Reaper)
22. "Oh-oh."
23. "Did I err?" (Sea Wasp)
24. "But you didn't tell me that I COULDN'T do that!"
25. "Hey, I bet I can do that better than you can!"
26. "Study?!? I'm too good for that?"
27. "When do I get to make things go BOOOOOMM?"
28. "Oh, that component was worth THAT much?"
29. "Work? Why? I summoned your demon to do it! ... Of course I had to erase the
pentagram! What do you think I am, an idiot?"
30. "But this was supposed to be foolproof!"
31. "I don't understand!!"
32. "I thought you said "Cone of Cold" not "Coin of Gold"!"
33. "Hey, just who do you think you are, my teacher?" (Paul Higday)
34. What kind of glue do you use to fix a DragonOrb?
35. Master, I kind of forgot to feed your familiar.
36. Those books with the blue binders do burn! (rennie@pembvax1)
37. "Uhh.. you know that nubile virgin you bought in last night? Well, we started talking
and.. uhh.. one thing led to another...."
38. "Hey look, Master! I saw this nice globe of crystal lying around, so I cut off the top
and now I can keep Mambo, my goldfish, in it!"
39. "What's in this bottle? * POP * Uhh... oh-oh..."
40. "Sorry about that, Master. I promise I won't wave your wand around again.
Hmm.. what's this frog doing here?"
41. "Master, is this pronounced 'HAStur HAStur HAStur' or 'HasTUR HasTUR
HasTUR'?'
42. "Ribbit." (He-Who-Posts-Fro (Spring Heeled Jack!!!))
43. "Oh, I threw it away."
44. "What's this scroll that says...Wish...on it do?"
45. "Catch!"
46. "This weird guy with horns and stuff came looking for you. He asked if Razzlefratz
was there. I told him no, your name was Durkin. That seemed to make him really
happy."
47. "Umm...you might not want to go in the basement."
48. "Hey, where did I put the top to this Decanter of Endless Water?"
49. "Remember how you told me not to lie anymore? Well, Elminster stopped by to
say hello. I told him you said he was a talentless bag of wind. He wants to meet
you tomorrow at the Blasted Lands."
50. "Was that your Staff of Power? That end table in the den needed a new leg, and
you told me to fix it..."
51. "I wish you'd tell me how this Luck Blade worked!" (Thanatos)
52. "Psst, Master... I forgot to mention that my cloak dragged off some chalk on the
five-pointed star that Orcus is standing in now..."
53. "Did you ever wonder what black cats tasted like? * BURP *"
54. "You know, this Erhdolt's Endurable Eraser really works! That book over there
only needed a few rubs of it before all the writing was gone."
55. "Sir, you will be pleased with what I have just done. I have sent all those old and
dusty tomes to the recycling center!"
56. "Master, was that by any chance a Reverse Gravity scroll you left lying around in
your alchemical lab?"
57. "But Master, I did my best to make you invisible during the parade! How would I
know it would just affect your robes?"
(He-Who-Posts-Fro (Spring-Heeled-JACK!))
58. "Uh, Master, why was this mirror lying face-down on your table? Master?
Master? Gee, where'd he go?" (scratches head)
59. "Hey, Master, guess what? I tidied up your scrolls. Yeah, I put them all in this bag
I found in your closet!" (Bag (of Devouring) burps.)
60. "Master, uh, you know your alchemy lab? How much do you suppose it would
cost to get a new one?"
61. "Master, what's the command to make the magic carpet go back down? You
don't know? Uh, will you be needing your familiar any time soon?"
62. "Oh, THAT was your familiar?" (Chris Meadows)
63. "Okay, I put the fire resistence potions in the red bottles, and the cold resistence
potions in the blue. Or was it the other way around." (While facing a Dragon, of
course)
64. "I thought this spell required a 5-sided star..."
65. "Okay, I put the glyph of paralyzation on the foyer door and the fire trap on the
library door. Then I set up the guards and wards spell, Then the Maze spell."
66. "The top of this iron bottle seems to be stuck..."
67. "I had the Unseen Servant put the bags of holding in the portable hole."
68. "There is an Undead Anti-Paladin to see you sir..."
69. "There was a tiny pesky flying lizard around here, but I put out poisoned meat for
it..." (Michael Sandy)
70. "You mean the meat on the table was.. ahem. Sir, please stick your last finger in
your mouth..."
71. "Uhh.. I seem to have forgotten to bring the Manual of Mighty and Marvelous
Magic on our voyage, Master. Will the Guide to Growing Great Geraniums do as
well?"
72. "Swallow goldfish? ALIVE?"
73. "Uhh.. Master, sorry to disturb your scroll-writing. You wouldn't possibly
have seen my bottle of invisible-ink, would you?"
75. (Loudly) "WHAT AN ILLUSION, MASTER! THE STORM GIANT WILL
*NEVER * FIGURE THAT OUT!"
76. "Did you ever wonder why so few wizards know the 'erase' spell, Master?"
77. "How was I to know that Summon Swarm could call up bookworms???"
78. "I managed to learn the Levitate spell, Sir. Now, without looking down, could you
tell me how to control it?"
79. "Did the scare spell work, Master? Hmm.. you're kind of pale..."
80. "I shall make sure that my shocking grasp is dissipated before touching Master..
I shall make sure that my shocking grasp is dissipated before touching Master..
I shall make sure..."
81. "Uhh.. sorry for falling asleep, Master. Now, could you do that spell ONE more
time?"
82. "Well, Master, I finally managed to learn the enlarge spell. Now, could you tell me
how one gets rid of a 50' long rat?" (Spring-Heeled-JACK!!!)
83. Master, what should I wish for?
84. Where does a teleported spellbook go?
85. Hey...where'd the left tower go? (Mike Marcelais)
86. Smell something you said? smoke? Nah,theres no smell of smoke here. No need
for you to go ito the basement either. he he he. I'll just go downstairs with this
wand of fire extinguishing for, you know, target practise.
87. Riddeeeep! Riddeeeep! Riddeeeep!* (*HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!)
88. Excuse me sir but, theoretically, what would happen if someone summoned, ohhh,
lets say a major demon from the 376 level of the Abys?
89. With this body in my possesion I shall now rule the world!! HAHAHAHHA!
90. Ah sir? You know that elemental you had in your control?
91. I was wondering sir, whats the bestway to stop a charging dragon? (Don Shaffer)
92. Dang, just woke up all 8 red dragons and the exits on the other side of the lair,
sure wish my master was here (while playing with ring he just picked up).
(craig sivils)
93. [someone's at the door:] "No, he's been alone in his room with that fancy sword for
a few days now... Sure, I'll go get him for you!" (Abdiel dks@acpub.duke)
94. "Master, I seem to have finally perfected my taunt spell. By the way, the Duke is
at the front gates with his elite guard. Could you please explain this to him?"
95. "But we are all out of candles. I used lanterns to surround the pentacle instead."
96. "Master, watch out for the pit I just covered with my Phantasmal Force!"
(Bret Indrelee)
97. You didn't have a familiar, did you?
98. That vial of mead you were makeing tasted REALLY good!
99. Why did the writing on that book disappear while I was reading it?
100. Hey look! These Dragon scales make a really neat jacket! (Eric)
101. "What happens if I read the Meteor Swarm from this scroll and points at you?"
(Brunborg)
102. "WHAT pentagram???"
103. "Sorry about the bookworms, boss."
104. "Oh, that potion! Nope, never saw it."
105. "Next time, I'll make sure to point that wand the other way."
106. "It's just coffee. A little soap, some warm water, a clean rag and that scroll will
be as good as new!"
107. "That nice wizard from across town paid me 2000 gp to deliver this box to you. It
must be some kind of clock!"
108. "Don't feel bad, boss. At least the OTHER demon didn't break free!"
109. "That moldy old cloak? I sold it to some peddler for a few coppers."
110. "Gee, boss, you kinda remind me of that other wizard, ah, what's-his-name,
-Gargamel!"
111. "I tried to stop him, boss, but he got away from me and headed straight for your
bookcase!"
112. "Well, your familiar and I got to discussin' politics, and dern if he did'nt say a few
things that got my dander up."
113. "Staff? I thought it was leftover firewood!"
114. "Hey boss, did you hear this one? There was a farmer's daughter, 3 stone giants
and a rod of many things..."
115. "A short guy from that guild downtown stopped by to borrow a cup of flour, he
said. When I turned around, he was gone!......along with most of your
spellbooks!"
116. "That damned Earth elemental just wouldn't take no for an answer, would he
boss?"
117. "The witch across the street that likes you, she left a few messages on your crystal
ball. I only read the first 12 or so..."
118. " 'Get me some water?' I thought you said 'I want belladonna!' "
119. "These spell components sure make a mean stew!" (Jason D Corley)
120. " no, you go first... I went first last time " (Andrew Jameson)
121. "Please Master, allow me to light your smoking pipe with my Burning Hand
spell." FOOOOMP ! "I'm sure you eyebrows will grow again sir !!"
122. "Listen, this scroll says 'To set up a permanent time-stop field for as far as the
eye can see, just say the word Bidlebedee.' Hmm ! Do you think it'll work ?
... Master...I'm talking to you. ... Master ? .... Master ? ..."
123. "Master, you are gonna laugh when you here dis ... I wuz practicing Fireball in da
library and guess what ?! ... It woiked !!"
124. "I'm so sorry Master, but I couldn't find any garlic, and I thought maybe broccoli
would scare the vampire just as well !"
125. "ALAS, MASTER !! I've finally done it! I've created Universal Solvent.... 'cept it
seems to be 'eating' right through the earth and I don't know how to neutralize it."
126. "Imagine that ! ha, ha ! Mistaking a potion of Irreversible Aging for salad dressing.
ha, ha ! You know ... white hair looks good on you, sir !"
127. "You did write a will, didn't you Master ??"
128. "Hey Master, listen to this neat spell: 'As you read this spell of Speech
Impediment, you and all those around you will gladually begome unabelled to
gomunigate in da unbestanbable wanblage tan bill bespeek uddel nonblends
wabba dabba yabba ...." (Jose L. Martinez)
129. you wouldn't believe the deal I got on all those scraps of paper you kept up there
in the chest...
130. Ummm, I think the dog I bought didn't like your cat that much but don't worry,
I told him not to do that to the next one you get... (tomj@nctams1.cts.com)
131. "Master, I swear the king has noooo sense of humor ! When I told him all the
jokes you've been telling about him, he didn't laugh at all !!"
132. "Sir, how come you didn't tell me the lock on your safe was broken ? That little
guy you hired couldn't get it opened, so he took it back to town to work on it."
133. "Listen, when you said you were expecting a familiar to show up, I thought you
meant your cousin Sigmund from the West. How was I supposed to know you
were expecting a chicken ?! ... I say let's forget about it and make the best of a
bad situation ... do you want the leg or the breast ?"
134. "You, stupid peasants !! Either you obey my master or he'll turn all of you into
toads !! YEAH !!! You think that just because you brought four paladins with
you that he's scared ?! NO WAY !! And as soon as he gets out of the bathroom
he'll teach all of you a lesson !"
135. "So you are out of live spiders, huh ? How about selling me some cockroaches ?
My master is so old I don't think he'll be able to tell the difference."
136. "Hey master, let me show you this neat trick ... Pick a card from this Deck ... any
card !"
137. <absolute silence, hour after hour after hour> .....
"AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGG !!!! You damned apprentice !! I know you are
up to something. I can hear your breathing !!!!!!! Where are you ?? Say
something !!!! You're driving me CRAAAAZY !"
Moral: Sometimes a silent apprentice is more terrifying than an apprentice than
open his mouth without thinking. :-) (Jose L. Martinez)
138. "Boy, that broom I animated really got out of control, but don't worry, I took an
axe and chopped it up into a million pieces." (Mike Williams)
139. "I was just in the library Master and was wondering, do you have a Xerox
machine ?"
140. "Hey, I just learnt the magic missile spell Master. Pretty accurate 'aint it. I'll be
back later...just going down to the pub for a game of darts." (Nathan Clarke)
141. "Master, I messing around with some charcoal, sulfur, and potassium nitrate in
your lab, and I guess it got too close to the fire..."
142. "Master, I have an IMPORTANT safety tip for you..."
143. "So I mixed the glycerine, nitric acid, and sulphuric acid together in that pot that
was hanging over the fire in your library..."
144. "Hypothetically, what would happen if Fluffy was at the bottom of a portable hole
when the spell expired?"
145. "Remember how you wanted me to practice my Magic Missile spell? Well,
I saw that black cat which keeps hanging around here..."
146. "You do have backup copies of your spellbooks, right?" (Chris Spencer)
147. "Please tell me another. Plleeeeaaaasssee. Oh please master. I just love your
stories. Oh goodie thank you. Wow that apprenctice sounds real funny and ...
what that sounds like something I did . Now wait a minute I did the same thing.
And the master did what to the the apprentice. If I was that apprentice I
woul... " [bright light floods the room as the Apprentice explodes.]
(David Chase
148. "I didnt mean to hit you with that web spell, boss. Let me help......darned web.....
I know! I'll BURN it off!"
149. "Hey boss! Look what I found under your bed - the Fabled Bloodstone Pendant!
Finders - Keepers!"
150. "Uh boss, the Emperor is at the door with an army of guards...looks like he's
holding that pair of boots you made for him..."
151. "The witch across the street stopped by again, boss. She says if you dont take her
to the Necromancers Ball she'll turn you into a DRESS and WEAR you there!"
(Phillip J. Geer (pjgeer@rodan.acs.syr.EDU))
152. Well I wanted to find out if it's true that cats always land on their feet!
153. We have to do this ritual on a full moon?? I go all funny on a fu.... *SNARL*....
154. Cauldron?? I thought it was the soup!!
155. Want a game of cards here? I'll deal you five..... (DoMT) (sandman@sx.ac.uk)
156. Lookit!! My own personal pit fiend!!! (steevesm@woods.ulowell.edu)
157. Priest: Shit, its a dead-end.
Acolyte: Can you resurrect it, Master?
(John M Kewley (jk@cs.man.ac.uk))
Draco.
jvw@dcs.warwick.ac.uk