Famous Last Words (Fantasy)
"A ballista? What's that? How many dice of damage does it do?"
[Twenty. It's like a crossbow, only MUCH larger. It is typically
used for shooting at siege engines and the like.]"So what if he calls the guard? A backwater town like this can't have
a very big militia."
[True. But they were well-trained, and _quite_ well-equipped.]"Only six inches long? Ha... Wait, you don't mean six _scale_ inches,
do you?"
[In a game with miniature figures. The character that said this
was represented by a figure about 3/4" high.]"...and then I... Uh, guys? Why are looking at me like that? Guys?"
[Ever heard of a spell called "Polymorph Other" ?]"What do you mean, `It doesn't work' ?"
[Item with no more charges left.]"Let's go in."
["Empty" room.]"Let's not go in."
["Full" room, "empty" hallway.)"Dragons give you a lot of exp..."
[New player.]"I'll open it."
[Didn't want to wait to check for traps on a door.]"I think he can be trusted."
[About an NPC.]"Those noises are probably nothing."
"Oh these, I've fought them before..."
[From a player who thought he knew the monster manual forward and
backward.]"Then I'll hit him back!"
[Spoken at the start of a bar brawl.]"I'm bored..."
[Spoken by player to GM during campaign. Player rapidly ceased to
be bored.]"Quick! What did that scroll say ?"
[PC's in trap where scroll spoke of how to get out.]"How did he dissappear like that ?"
[About a warrior with a ring of invisibility and two attacks per
round.]"I wish for <something>."
[Wishes are taken literally, always.]"I pull out my trusty <anything>."
"I'll go down."
[Character climbed down rope and left all valuables to charge of
other PCs.]"I'll try to pick his pockets."
[The pockets in question belonged to a level 30 mage.]"MONEY!"
[Spoken at large pile of gold just before inter-character riot.]"Magic is for wimps."
"Oh. He'll miss. Just look at my AC."
[Spoken to GM about an attack by a peasant with a knife.]"Maybe we should just kill him."
[About a member of an asassins guild.]"Nah, couldn't be..." [flapping of large leathery wings]
"...it is!" [dragon]
"run!" [dragon plays with them, then eats them]"I guess THAT worked"
[About a troll carelessly thrown into a fire... Said troll was
wearing a ring of fire resistance.]"Read it to me."
[Fireball scroll.]"I want to kill something..."
[Whined to GM.]"This is a push-over dungeon."
[Character later eaten by herd of rats.]"...Oops."
[Spoken by a kender after having "borrowed" treasure from a
dragon.]"I'll use my `taunt' skill."
[Kender who should have stopped while he was ahead.]"You mean there's more ?"
[Player asks disbelievingly as more undead enter.]"MAGIC ITEMS!"
[Just before another intra-party brawl.]"He looks like a sunburnt elf? Huh."
[Description of a Drow, who was present at the time.]"My God will protect me."
"I disbelieve!"
"Hey, we're out! We're safe!"
[Well, one out of two ain't bad.]"I'll try it on."
[Magic suit of shrinking. The character doesn't shrink, just the
suit.]"The guy told me <something>."
[When will players ever learn not to trust NPC's ?]"You don't look like a mage..."
"It'd be stupid to trap this!"
"I'll light a fire."
[Twice! In the woods at night (attracted bears) once, and in
the woods at night after a drought. Same campaign.]"You'd have to be a GOD to smile after that hit!"
[He was right.]"It could be dangerous."
[Last words ever heard from a guide in the jungle.]"I think he can make it."
[Rationale for not following another PC as backup.]"Here, hold this rope while I go down."
"You DID take the swimming skill?"
[Spoken by GM to player when character fell overboard.]"I'll stand guard."
[Cowardly PC didn't want to enter orc cave. Orcs were out. Orcs
came back.]"What do you mean I hear water?"
[Character was in tunnel at the time.]"I thought you brought the food!"
[Dividing up supplies, one PC forgot that he was in charge of
bringing food.]<PC1> "Well, if you didn't belch, who did?"
<PC2> [Turns around, points.] "It must have been him.""Torch flames aren't supposed to turn blue"
[One of the side effects of methane gas.]"I bar the door!"
[Door opens inward.]"I'll cover you!"
[In heat of combat. Never trust other PC's.]"Take out a Beholder's eyes, and Bingo!"
[Beholders are intelligent, and one overheard this.]"I can't possibly miss..."
"Don't worry. I've got a plan."
"They can't see me. I'm invisible!"
[Said by Bumblewood Bramble, a halfling thief, just before
attepting to pick the pocket of the leader of the dominant
religion in a foreign land.]"I wonder what's in here?"
[Said by Bumblewood Bramble just before looking down a hole out of
which a snake-like head shot and bit off a large portion of his
face.]"Don't worry, I can hit him! I can hit him!"
[Said by an Elven archer who then proceeded to miss the monster and
hit another party member in the back, dropping him.]"Stop!"
[Said by a druid during a fight between the party and a hydra. This
succeeded in stopping the ENTIRE combat (This happened during the
fighter's two-attack round) until the druid casually strolled up
to the hydra and whacked him with a staff (doing 1 point of
damage) for no apparent reason.]"Shut up, bird!"
[To a parrot who happened to be repeating the True Name of a demon
which subsequently exterminated the party.]"But he has to be our friend!"
[Said in reference to a player who we later discovered was running
a treacherous anti-paladin in a Good party.]"He wouldn't try that trick again!"
[In reference to the aforementioned anti-paladin when he joined the
NEW Good party.]"How would you like to have this sword?"
[An evil magic-user just before giving a +3 intelligent two-handed
sword to our 7th level fighter who was possessed by the sword the
first time he tried to use it. He did quite well, though. Too
bad it was against our party which was battling said mage later in
the week.]"Take this ring as a token of my esteem."
[Note: Our party no longer accepts gifts from unknown NPC's.]"I kick in the door."
[Player whose paladin was then implaled by a swinging log trap with
spike attached.]"BEGONE THINGS OF EVIL!!!"
[Said by a cleric in a tomb of greater undead. Their reply was
"Begone thing of good."]"I'll sell you this quiver of unstable, unidentifiable magic arrows for
only 6 gp apiece."
[A merchant. One of these was an arrow of slaying, backbiting;
another an arrow of web, backbiting. The rest performed similar
dangerous functions.]"DUCK! DUCK!! DUCK!!!"
[Said by our magic-user to the fighters charging a group of
marauding orcs right before he `color spray'-ed them."Oops."
[Our 6th level mage, Salon Bayard, after discovering exactly how
destructive and WIDESPREAD a fireball is when cast outdoors.]"Just because you're a dragon doesn't mean you can push ME around."
[A 1st level character who did not make 2nd.]"I'll go in and get the orb. What could the dragon possibly do to me ? I've
got the dragon-be-good stick!"
[In one game that I ran my players (all very low level) had to get
an orb from the lair of a black dragon. To make this possible they
found a staff that offered protection from black dragon breath.
They assumed that it also offered protection from his claws and
bite. They called the staff their `dragon-be-good stick'.]"I go through the door... Wait, I check for traps!"
"Oops, sorry...didn't mean to disturb you."
[To sleeping dragon.]"Come on, we haven't found any traps so far."
"You're all a bunch of wimps! I'll prove to you myself that an entire orc
stronghold is no match for your average barbarian.""All right, we're in an unexplored dungeon in total darkness with no
light sources or infravision... Hey, I know! Let's yell and scream a lot
so we can locate each other by sound!""I'm going to kill our captives anyway, and I don't give a damn whether
the other goody-good PC's like it or not.""Y'know, since our druid's been so obnoxious, it would probably serve him
right if we set his precious forest on fire.""A creature with two BABOON heads on a scaly REPTILIAN body? With
TENTACLES for arms? Hunh. Must be some stupid wizard's magical
construct. Let's kill it."
[Turns out, it was actually a very high-rankng demon.]"Yes, it's true I humiliated the DM in front of the debating team
Wednesday, but he's much too broad-minded to take it out on my character.""OK, O Mighty Odin, as long as you're not gonna answer my prayers, I'm
gonna tell ya what I REALLY think of ya!""Nonsense. This is an AD&D game, so that CAN'T be Cthulhu."
"Well, guys, I'm sorry my activities in the last town got us all tarred
and feathered, but you're not going to hold that against me, are you?""No, I'm sure there's some stipulation that says a disintegrate spell
won't work if the spellcaster casts it on himself. Here, I'll prove it.""Well, we know he's LAWFUL evil, so he should keep his word when he
promised not to betray us.""So I'm safely across the pit? Whew! For a minute there I was worried
that you might remember my encumbrance penalties.""Well, as long as I've stumbled into Princess Savitra's bedroom, I might
as well try to seduce her.""Thank God!! A hobgoblin camp up ahead! Maybe they can help heal our
wounded!""Don't worry! The chances of me blowing a climb walls roll twice, at my
level, are infinitesimal.""All right, I jump. Now on the way down, I activate my ring of feather
fall... Wait, didn't I lend it to Jim ?""Well, *I* trust our party thief, and if he says this door isn't trapped,
that's good enough for me.""Well, I didn't much like this character, anyway. Here goes nothing..."
"My first arrow MISSED the magic-user pointing at me? OK, I shoot again!"
"Where'd that thief go now?"
"Trap? What trap?"
"Stand back, you wimps. I'll kill it."
[This was said by a first time PC fighter, regarding a rust
monster.]"Well, I'll touch it again."
"I cast a fireball"
[Into a 10'x10'x10' room.]"I know if I draw a card I'll get the VOID."
Druid: "I send my summoned fire elemental down to check it out."
M-U: "I fire off three quick fireballs down the hall."
GM: "You're very lucky, you all don't know how lucky you are! Save or
take 210 points of damage."
[Brown mold, which grows explosively from heat.]"I bet that without Mjollnir you're a real wimp."
"Who's the bitch with the spiders?"
"We killed all monsters on this level."
"I've been here before. There are no traps in this section."
"They need a twenty to hit me; I'm invincible."
"Don't worry, I have a plan!"
"They're wearing blue robes? They must be Druids. Roll for initiative,
suckers."
[At which point the polymorphed Bone Devils ate him.]"I see HOW MANY wights ?"
"Don't worry, wyvern don't attack unless they're provoked."
"I'll take off my armor so I'm silent and slip past the dragon."
"Don't worry, he's probably just first level."
"This 250' wall has so many holes, it should be easy to climb."
"I'll just close my eyes and walk up to the dracolisk holding up my
mirror.""Can I eat this green slime?"
"I'll just walk up to the dragon invisibly."
[Again, the assumption that invisibility masks sound, odor and
vibration.]"Why is this man speaking in sign language?"
[Right before a spell involving a lot of handwaving.]"This type of undead can't drain levels"
"I'll open the door, sneak up on him from behind and backstab him!"
"We are in luck! The dragon is sleeping."
"That's only a statue."
"I sit on the pale lady with the funny teeth."
[Said by a novice player whose character was very large and heavy.
Unfortunately, this is as good a way as any to guarantee a
vampire's bite doesn't miss.]"Don't be silly. That kind of monster NEVER follows you."
"Mysterious shadows in the room? I'm not scared - you can't spook me!"
[Said by a novice player whose strength was quickly drained by the
Shadows.]"There's a smell of gas, huh? Well, my lantern is hooded. It ought to be safe."
"Take off my armor and try to swim? Forget it - I worked hard to get this
+3 plate mail. Besides, the DM never lets anyone die - he wouldn't let me
drown, would he?""I run up to the monster, throw my magic net over it, and try to take the
jewel from around its neck."
[Said by a thief trying to get a gemstone which hung around the
neck of a Guardian Familiar. He forgot that a net doesn't stop
creatures from biting. He was reduced to -9 hp.]"Hmmm... odd-colored walls. Well, I touch one."
[Said by the same thief. He was turned to stone. The party decided
it wasn't going to risk any more living PC's trying the other
walls of the room, so they shoved the petrified thief into another
wall. He was reduced to a six-inch-high statuette.]"Lightning bolts don't ricochet off stone walls, do they?"
[Said by a 12th level MU, casting a lightning bolt in a 20' x 20'
room.]"The inscription says 'Asmodeus was here.' Asmodeus... I haven't heard
that name before. Hey, magic-user, do you know who Asmodeus is?"
[Said by a novice player in his first game session. There wasn't a
second.]