A Married Couple
:D A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They both were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% awas probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were estatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

:D An Old Married Couple
An old couple goes to the doctor for their yearly physicals. One at a time, the doctor brings them into the examination room, starting with the husband.
"Well, Mr. Smith, you're in great shape for a man your age." says the doctor.
The man replies, "Well doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me."
"What do you mean?" asks the doctor.
The old man says, "For instance, last night in the middle of the night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom -- and the good Lord turned on the light for me so I wouldn't fall down."
"That's nice." said the doctor, confused. "Send your wife in now, please."
The wife comes in and the doc says, "Mrs. Smith, you're in great shape for a woman your age."
She then says, "Well, doc, I don't drink, I don't smoke ...."
The doctor interrupts, "And the good Lord looks after you, right?"
The woman is confused and says, "What are you talking about?"
The doctor explains, "Your husband was just telling me the same thing. He said that the good Lord looks after him. Like last night when he had to go to the bathroom, the good Lord turned the light on for him."
"Damn!" she yelled, "So he's pissing in the refrigerator again!"

:D Oh, Dad.....
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom!
I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

:D Good Looking
Q: What do you call a good looking woman in Iran.

A: Visiting.

:D Jewish Mother
Jewish mother gives her son two ties for Hanukah, a red one and a blue one. Next morning he comes downstairs wearing the blue one. "What's a matter," asks the mother, "Didn't you like the red tie?"

:D Country music
Here's one that really excites the country music fans:

Q: Do ya know what ya git if ya play a country song backwerds?
A: Ya git yer truck back, yer dog back, yer gun back, yer wife back and yer girlfriend back!