*Disclaimer*: This may come off as sounding sort of journal-y. If so, that's because I wrote it in my journal. If this type of format bothers you, please don't read the following. Over and out.
So I went to the mall yesterday and got new Hawaiian flip-flops, a Hawaiian shirt, and a Hawaiian-print bikini. Can you tell that I've bought into the whole Hawaiian trend? I can't help it though. It is all so cute. And besides, trendy is not bad. Wouldn't want to come across as one of those "I'm-so-different-and-I-hate-everything-anyone-else-likes" people. How self-delusional can you get, for crying out loud. If it's cute and comfortable, I'll wear it. Why does it have to be any more complicated than that? I think that the question of looking like everyone else or not looking like everyone else isn't a big enough issue about which to spend my every waking hour worrying. If I'm "society's child", I don't really care. I know who I am, and if I'm branded a follower or a sheep or a dead fish based on something as superficial as what style of clothing I'm wearing, so be it. I'm working on not caring as much about what others think of me. We all care to some degree what others think of us, but I'm trying to minimize it. After all, what do I care? I'm not going to go out of my way to do silly things and then patiently explain to anyone with an ear about how "independent" I am and how I don't care what anyone thinks of me. To me, that's the opposite of independence. Truly independent people are sure enough in their own identities that they don't need external reinforcement to assure them of anything. I like to think that I'm that way, but I have a ways to go yet before I can reach that total self-assured state of independence.
Sometimes I wonder if by insisting upon my normality and that no one is truly different from anyone else, I am trying to be different myself, but by being normal. I mean, everyone is on this "I'm-different" kick, and I'm sort of on an "I'm-not-different" kick. Am I trying to be different by not being different? Sometimes I wonder. Either I'm as bad as the rest of them, or I'm just being honest with myself. It's funny to think that I'm possibly trying to nonconform by conforming. I'm the antinonconformist. I like to think that I"m just the only person around here who is actually honest with herself and realizes the futility of trying to be different when, in actuality, we're all intrinsically alike. Truthfully, though, the world would be much more harmonious if we would accept our basic likeness instead of accentuating our so-called "differences". I know that sounds really Communist and neo-Nazi-ish. But it's true. What gets me is that it's always the "different" people who are all pro-peace and pro-harmony, because it fits that neo-hippie image that they're trying so diligently to fit. But by trying to be different from everyone else and openly scorning anyone who isn't a "freak" like they are, they're not promoting peace, they're discouraging it. By scorning people whose beliefs are different from theirs, even if theirs is the "right" one (e.g., people who hate Nazis), they're elevating the problem. If people, even the people who are "right", would just be like, "Our beliefs are different, but I can still accept you as a human being," wouldn't the world be a better place?
Of course, I don't follow this as well as I should. No one's perfect, damnit. But self-deluded child-people frustrate me. The things that bugs me the most is that even though their clothes/hair/actions SCREAM that they're putting on a show for the benefit of others, they still insist that they're "independent" and don't care what others think of them. If they truly didn't care, they wouldn't find it necessary to go to such extreme measures to be noticed. But they really believe that they're different. I know, because I was like them once, and I believed with all of my heart and soul that I was different from everyone else. Almost all of my heart and soul, that is. There was a fraction of them that was screaming, "QUIT IT, you ASSHOLE! You know that this isn't you and that you're just doing it for attention! Come back to your REAL self! This can't be doing you any good!" Although, now that I think about it, it did do me some good. I think that any kind of self-exploration is good for personal development. It led me to discover all that I've written - the futility of trying to be different, etc.
Seriously, though, if one person reads this and questions his or her motives for trying to be "different", I'll feel that I've done my job. If we could all just see a little of ourselves in one another, instead of putting emphasis on our minor differences, the world would be a much better place! I know that I sound like a hopeless romantic idealist, but I personally don't care, because I believe - heck, I don't believe, I KNOW that it's true!
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