Chapter 2
"Kewl, magic mead!


by Drew

Ophyllia Wymsy, the Mad Bard of Bottomburn, was making her way back to the little long-abandoned out-house in the deep woods just outside the town walls which she calls "home." She was returning from her latest gig at the Bottomburn Asylum for the Profoundly Out- to-Lunch. This had been a "command" performance at the insistence of the Old Boyz Council, who did not respond favorably to Ophyllia's most recent "episode." She had, of course, caused a near-riot while singing "La Marseilles" in full voice at 3 AM in the middle of the town square while accompanying herself on the musical saw and wearing only a g-string and a lace doily on her head... Usually even the rather dour and unimaginative Old Boyz reacted favorably to Ophyllia's undeniable charm, beauty and talent but this time she had really gone TOO far (or at least too far for the Old Girlz to whom the Boyz are married...). At any rate, her latest gig had been a triumph, as always (the other inmates had demanded 27 encores of her rendition of "Crazy"...).

Humming in harmonious counterpoint to the wind whistling down from the Windpipe Mountains and lost in her own convoluted fantasies, Ophyllia almost didn't notice the little white envelope which was stuffed into the cute little crescent cut-out in her front door... "Ooo, mail!", thought Ophyllia, "Maybe somebody has sent me a chain letter!" (Ophyllia was very fond of continuing chains - though she usually sent them back to the person who started them...) Tearing into the little envelope, Ophyllia was confused and dismayed to find that it contained nothing more than an itemized list of "services" provided at the asylum ("leg iron rental - 8gp"; "leeching - 12 GP", et al). The note ended with a pointed request ("failure to remit these sums will result in foreclosure on your outhouse") that she remit funds in the sum of 87 GP, 3 SP and 9 cp. to cover "expenses" incurred during her stay! The note was signed "M."

Finding herself even more confused than was her wont, Ophyllia decided to take the note to the Old Boyz Council to ask if they could explain its meaning to her. Upon her arrival at the Council's High Chamber, Ophyllia discovered that she was not the only townsperson to have received one of the strange little notes (which she learned were being referred to as "Bills"). Indeed, the Council Chamber was packed with citizens demanding to know the meaning of the odd little missives! The Old Boyz, however, were nowhere to be seen. In their place was a group of trendily dressed wanna-be's exhibiting major attitude. "Kewl!", thought Ophyllia, as she vogued one particularly emaciated Mod who bore an uncanny resemblance to the legendary Kurt of Cobain. However, she soon realized that these Boyz were much too self-involved to be of any help to her... Seeing that none of the citizenry had any more knowledge than she of the provenance of the "Bills," Ophyllia made her way back to her little home, amusing herself by shredding her bill into little pieces and tossing them into the wind as she went...

The next morning, Ophyllia was awakened by the sound of a rapping upon her little green door. This was a fairly uncommon occurrence, as the people of the town did not often seek her out in her little abode. "Oh, dragon-doo!", thought Ophyllia as she hastily threw on a lampshade to cover her nakedness, "not those damned Mystra's Witnesses again!" Flinging open the door, she discovered not the anticipated pair of well-scrubbed acolytes wearing sober clothing and matching black ties, but rather a lovely elven woman clad in the flowing lavender robes which designated the High Priests of the Violet Elf!

"Light laughter be yours, Ophyllia Wymsy, known as the Mad Bard of Bottomburn," said the vision in purple.

Ophyllia hastily ushered the Priestess into her odd little shack (it was rather a cramped fit) and offered her a swig of magic mead from a flask which she kept stored for just such occasions. The Priestess gratefully accepted and went on to explain to Ophyllia that her services as a bard were required to boost the morale of a group of citizens who were to be charged with finding "M," discovering the whereabouts of the Old Boyz and of 10 vats of Dwarven Lager which had reportedly been purloined by a group of orcs (this was the first Ophyllia had heard of this - not fond of Dwarven Lager herself, she still thought it a damned shame that the people of the town were being deprived of their preferred beverage). The Priestess told Ophyllia that she had been chosen for this mission because of her well-known proclivities for dance and laughter, sacred to the Violet Elf... And so, pausing only long enough to gather a few possessions and don more appropriate clothing (Ophyllia knew that lampshades were considered to be strictly for evening wear), Ophyllia joined the Priestess en route to meeting with the others with whom she would journey on this quest...