But this isn't about that part of my life.
I went from druggy super-slut to superhero when one day some woman came to me and said I was the Slayer, a legendary Chosen One who would fight the evil of the world. Sounded a lot better than being a nobody, so I went along with it. Circumstances landed me in Sunnydale, California where I met another Slayer. Buffy Summers. I later betrayed her and she nearly killed me. I lived though. Long enough to cause even more havoc eight months later when I woke from my coma and stole Buffy's body.
This isn't about that either though.
Then I met a girl named Tara. She changed my life, changed me, in just a couple of days. I loved her. We could have been happy together too, or, at least, I like to think so. But she loved someone else; wouldn't you know it, it was Buffy's best friend. The little redheaded witch. I only acted as a catalyst for their relationship. I hope they're happy, I really do, but that doesn't change where I am now. Floating in confusion, or something like that. I had tried both methods of altering reality. Neither worked, not for me.
Which brings us to the burning question:
" What now Faith?"
Willow pulled away from the kiss she had just shared with her friend-turned-lover. Tara was beautiful after a kiss, her face flushed and wonderfully glowing. Her smiles lit up any space. Willow smiled back and let her hand rest on the bare stomach beside her and her fingertip traced random patterns on the flesh. The patterns left no outer marks, but Tara could feel each one being burned into her very essence. When she could take it no more, Tara's hand shot down and clasped Willow's, stilling it. They kissed again, briefly. A kiss more of love, and less of passion. Those were the best kisses.
" I love you..." Tara mouthed to the redhead as their eyes locked.
" I love you too..." Willow mouthed back.
The redhead moved her elbow from its place propping up her head and she relaxed on her back, her face tilting towards the ceiling. Tara snuggled closer and laid her head on Willow's chest. In the silence, she was fully aware of her lover's heartbeat, of the gentle rise and fall that accompanied breath. There in the bedroom had passed two days without talk, save the occasional whisper of adoration, without food, without recess. Only lovemaking and the tender scenes afterwards and sleep. Now Willow allowed responsible thoughts to return, and her brain told her to get dressed and go back to her room. She would eat, then shower, then attempt to deal with real life again.
Damn, she would think. Reality screws up everything.
As though reading her thoughts, and Willow was sure that on some level Tara really could, the other witch pulled up, letting the redhead slip from her arms. Willow began pulling her clothes on reluctantly. Then she came back to the bed to place one last kiss on Tara's lips. Tara gave her the kiss back double and also threw in a pouty frown when the redhead reached the door.
" I wish you didn't have to," she said.
" I wish I didn't have to either," Willow replied. " But I'll come back. Shower, get ready. I'm taking you out tonight."
Tara's smile reached the 100 watt mark. " Okay," she agreed, her shyness regarding public places creeping in. " But..." she added, " I want you back here in an hour."
Willow tossed her a grin, realized everything she only had an hour to do, and raced out the door. Tara chuckled and sighed and wondered how she got so lucky.
No. She knew how she got so lucky. It was because a dark woman, who had needed her more than anything else, had loved her enough to let her go. Tara stood up and went to the window, a sheet wrapped around her naked form, and looked out to the clear and rapidly darkening sky.
" Faith..." she muttered aloud, " why did you go so soon?"
Sticking around wasn't an option. She would have thanked me, and I would have seen her happy with someone that wasn't me. And been torn apart. What now Faith? What now? God only knows. A new town, a new name, a new set of shit to deal with. Still better than Sunnydale, which so far is tied with my mom's apartment for being the number one Bearer of Bad Memories. And emtions aside, the town's just too yuppy for the likes of me. Then again, what's the alternative? Someplace like LA? Done that scene, and it didn't do shit for me either.
Another 10 points for Sunnydale. It changed me. I can't even hold the illusion that my wild life was satisfying, not mention the illusion that it can be again. I felt things in Sunnydale that I wouldn't have anywhere else. Like what it was like to have someone who understood me, even for a moment. Buffy. Like what it was like to be appreciated. That girl in the alley. Like what it was like to have someone be gentle with me. Riley. Like what it was like to be in love. Tara. Tara, Tara, Tara. Why couldn't it have been me, not Willow?
I already know the answer to that though. Willow has a future, a gift, and a head that hasn't been screwed with and isn't clouded over with so much shit. What do I have to offer? Sex, I'll give myself that, but it only comes from years of being a slut. What I wouldn't give to be pure again. To start over, and to find Tara before Willow did. Then I'd give her the world. I probably could now, but it would be tainted, because I'm at a point where it doesn't matter how I do things. And I could never present Tara with something bloodstained; could never touch her again with my bloody hands.
I shouldn't have been able to the first time, but that was an act of fate.
When Willow grabbed Tara's hand, everything felt as though it were at the peak of perfection. They shared a quick peck; kissing, it seemed, had proved to be something neither could get enough of, and they left the hall on foot. The two were headed to the home of Rupert Giles, where everyone was meeting for a small fast food dinner/hang out type of thing. Giles pretended not to like it, but they all knew he really did love having them there, and it had almost become a regular event during the week. It would be Tara's first time attending the gathering.
They arrived a few minutes after seven o-clock, and the pizza had just been delivered. Riley sat in the armchair, Buffy tastefully draped across his lap. Xander and Anya were sitting close together on the sofa watching television. Giles was at the dining table, thumbing through a book, munching on a slice, and feigning disapproval. Everyone looked up when Willow and Tara walked in, and greeting them both warmly, especially Tara. Willow was pleased to see how they all were trying to make her feel welcome, and she partically lit up when she saw Tara's shy smile and timid wave.
They took a seat on the other side of the couch and helped themselves to the pizza in the boxes on the coffee table. Small talk circled around the room for the majority of the evening, mostly shopping, TV, slaying, and witty comments, with the occasional nauseatingly blunt sexual remark from Anya. Everyone had learned to work around her at that point though, so it wasn't a very big deal. Then Buffy shot a question to Tara, who had been quiet though a great part of the conversation.
" So, how long have you and Willow known each other?"
Tara turned deep pink at being forced to speak, but replied. " Well," she said, " since that thing happened when everyone lost their voices."
" Wow, how come you kept her a secret so long Will?" That was Xander.
" Um..." Willow searched for the right words. " I guess because I was confused..." She turned and looked directly at Tara. " I didn't really understand how what I was feeling towards her. I do now though."
There was no one else around them. It was just Willow, just Tara, in each other's eyes. They kissed, completely unaware of the five pairs of eyes on them. They lost themselves in that kiss. And when they pulled apart, Buffy was clapping. Soon, everyone else joined in. Willow and Tara became redder than roses, but grinned from ear to ear dispite their embarrassment.
" I'm glad you're happy Will," the Slayer told her, smiling gently.
And Willow knew all the others felt the same way.
She took both of Tara's hands in her own and held them tightly. " Deep down I knew it would happen all along," she said.
" Yeah," Tara agreed. " It was fate."
Fate is a depressing concept. You life is predetermined, and you are powerless to stop it. To became what you want, instead of just being what you are. If there is fate, it screwed me over big time. I try not to believe in fate though, so everything I am and everything I've done is all me. I suffer some major guilt for it, especially now, but at least I can tell myself that I could change if I wanted to. Even that idea is being torn to pieces though, because I am here at a crossroads, wanting to change, and I have no clue what to do.
What now Faith?
What now?
... Go back to Sunnydale?