So what if I already have a little black book? You want to make something of it? The reason I got this one is so I could actually keep a journal. Although it’s probably not a bad thing that Tara read the entry in my poetry book, I’d like to be able to keep things private if I want.
At this point, it seems like my life is defined by what I didn’t have before. I didn’t have friends, and now they’re probably the most important part of my life. Nobody liked me, especially not girls, and now who knows how many girls like me for any number of reasons (although the ones who like me for my looks need glasses in my opinion). I wonder if I would have done so well in school all those years if I had friends then. It’s something to think about.
2.3.99
My train of thought was sort of interrupted. Enforced sleep tends to do that. Anyway, my parents have been on me about getting my priorities in order. For them, that means putting school before everything else. I kind of like my priorities the way they are. I’ve put school first for years, but that’s because there was nothing else on the list.
What’s really bugging me now is Tierney. I know I like her, but I don’t know how much. I don’t feel as strongly about her as I did about Nina, but that would be sort of hard. The problem is, I don’t think it goes any further than just liking her. I also don’t know if I’m going out with her because I like her, or because of the fact that I never used to have a girlfriend.
I’m depressed again. This happened to me three times so far. The first time was before the concert (in January?), well, whenever it was. I still don’t know why it happened. It could have been a combination of the situation and loneliness. Or maybe Tara’s right, and it was the music. Or it could have been being around Jacob for an extended period of time. Who knows?
The second time was that Sunday when Tara called to see how I was. Hmm… I wonder what caused it that time? I wound up curled into a little ball on my bed, listening to music, and staring at the lights moving on my walls. For hours.
This time was weird. Part way through Chemistry – I snapped, just like that. Nina’s been hugging me and trying to cheer me up all day.
I think this is really the first time I’ve really felt like screaming at her.
Julia ruined any chance I had of making it out of school without a fuss. I really didn’t feel like coming into contact with Tierney.
Thomas Covenant’s little mantra makes more sense now.
Don’t touch me.
2.5.99
Yesterday was horrible.
I got to school ok, but once I got to the 4th Floor, it hit me again. This time I know what triggered it. Ken and Katie were acting like idiots, and I suddenly felt like screaming at them both. Yesterday was characterized by wanting to scream at people. Nina. Ryan. Trishida. The eight period Joyce people in general.
I can’t see how Nina can be so adamant about how wrong I was to insult Jack all the time if she then proceeds to tell me about the camaraderie that making fun of Joyce creates. Come on Nina, you were there when Gern gave his scapegoating lesson. The guy goes through enough without us having to add to it. At least Julia agrees with me.
Tierney thinks that she’s the problem (the hand to the mouth was a little bit theatrical, though). Monica and Tara both think I hate them. I seem to have this effect on people.
I’m hoping on going to the open-mic tonight. Maybe I’ll actually read something, but someone else would have to choose what. What worries me is that in the past, either something prevented me from getting there, or I made it, and wound up horribly depressed afterwards. More depression… oh goody.
4:10 PM, February fifth… still no sight of land… the others are starting to slip from sanity. The 4th Floor is not a great place for peace and quiet. I just wish I had somewhere else to go.
Tara tried to cheer me up before, but there was nothing I could really tell her. I couldn’t even enjoy the contact.
It’s over. The strange thing is, I have Monica to thank. I was killing time on the 4th Floor, and she decided to kill it with me. It’s much easier if you have someone to hold time down for you.
Anyway, we talked about a whole bunch of things. Our parents, our friends, sex… combinations of the three… It wasn’t even an attempt to cheer me up, since I don’t even know if she knew how I was feeling. That probably helped.
We were very open with each other, which was really great. I learned another of Monica’s family’s deep, dark secrets… For some reason, all of these have something to do with sex…
There was a lot of flirting going on between us, especially when we talked about sex and biting. For a reference, biting first came up after Electra, and we were flirting then too.
Eventually, Monica had to go, which really sucked. On the other hand, just the fact that she picked up my mood considerably is enough. I’m hoping that something happens between us in the future, and I mean more than just the biting. It seems strange that Monica cheered me up just by talking to me when nobody else could.
The open-mic was pretty cool, although McDonald’s was even better. I’m just glad that I got used to Tara and Neal last time I followed her to the open-mic… Otherwise I would have felt even more awkward.
It’s weird to keep reminding myself that I feel happy for Tara and Jacob (ok, I don’t know if that’s how to spell his name, so from now on I’ll refer to him as That-Twice-Adopted-With-A-Pitchfork-By-The-Spaniards-Because-The-Italians-Didn’t-Want-Him-Because-He-Doesn’t-Have-Good-Birthing-Hips-Spaz). As long as he keeps Tara happy, he’s got my vote for World’s Greatest Person.
As a closing note, Monica reminds me a lot of Willow…