"You need something to kill the pain of all that nothing inside."
--Dogma, KMFDM

Lee visited over the weekend, which was really cool. I don't think I've ever slept that much in a weekend before, barring sickness. Was fun. I panicked today because I couldn't find my LoD ring. That would have been bad. But it turned out to be under the laptop. O frabjous day.

In other news, gah. That's right - gah. It's a good word for summing up how I'm feeling lately. Maybe blargh would be better, but I really dislike saying that. So gah it is. A long drawn out gah, you've probably heard me use it. Eh. Anyways, the whys and wherefores are the next step here.

Feeling listless, bored, and envious lately. The first two are things that frequent visitors should be used to. I feel bored with the distractions that I have for myself, with the things that I usually look forward to. They feel more and more like ways to kill time between now and... something, than if they were actually the something I was looking forward to. I feel, for the most part, as if I should be walking through a big park (Central Park would be ideal, there's enough space for me to go around without being bored) with my hands in my pockets and just wandering until I figure it out. Or figure something out. Or have the desire to do one of the things that I usually do. Or something.

Which leads to the next part - envy. Who am I envious of? Lots of people. I don't mean lots of specific people, its just a large group. Thanks to my roommate Chris, I've been watching far too much MTv lately. They're showing all the Spring Break stuff over and over again. And as I watch, my immediate reaction is to think, "My god, those people are so stupid." But really... they're having fun. They're enjoying themselves. So what's the difference? The people that can go to frat parties and clubs and honestly enjoy themselves... I hate to say it, but they're the lucky ones. My friend Ayla once said that there were two kinds of people in the world - intelligent people, and happy people. Someone cool and famous said it first and better, but I forget who and how. There are of course, exceptions to the rule, but they're not important. The other odd thing is what exactly I'm envious of. It's not that I want to do the things that they do - it's that I want to want to. Let me try and explain. Clubs are a good example. I don't want to clubs. When I show up early for a show at a club, I feel weird just standing around and I even have a reason to be there and stand around. I'd do worse without the reason. What I want is to want to go clubbing. I want to be able to enjoy it, or for it to be able to make me happy, more than I actually want that activity. But there's a whole gigantic group of people who like nothing better than doing things like that... and I can't help but wish I was like them.

Muchos gracias to internet people right now for talking to me the last few days - Cristl and Deanna especially. And Mel, I added $1.43 to the fund. We'll have you over here in no time.

***

There was a whole 'nother subject that I wanted to write about. It didn't quite fit with the rest of the stuff, so I was going to leave it till tomorrow - but I just don't want to go to sleep yet, so here goes.

Said subject is Iris. Things didn't end well between us. As you probably know, or any of my friends can tell you, I'm really bad at the Relationship thing. Especially ending them. So its no wonder that I wound up hurting her, we haven't really talked since then, and she (being Iris) questions whether I was ever honestly her friend.

This is one of my two major problems with Iris - the fact that she allows the present to affect the past. Whenever something goes wrong, she reinterprets the past through that lens and always comes up with the conclusion that she is stupid for not having anticipated what would happen. That last bit is just an example of that. As much as it might be easier for her to think otherwise, I was her friend. As much as it might be easier for her to think otherwise, I did like her. I'm not so sure about the latter anymore, but I want to continue to be her friend.

My other major problem with Iris is that she is unforgiving of herself, and consequently of other people. We talked about her opinions about peoples' problems, and depression. The general gist was that people should work harder at things, ignore the depressed feelings, and that all the negative results that occurred from this are those peoples' faults. That was heavily paraphrased, but fairly in spirit. But then sometimes she feels the same way and of course goes on about how worthless she is and that whatever is going on is her fault. And the first thing I can think is, "It's not so easy is it? Cut them some slack - cut yourself some slack."

Think I'm pulling these two things out of thin air? Check her journal for today. See?

Message To Iris, Public As It Further Expresses My Feelings:

Fuck you, you silly bitch. Every entry you complain that no one reads what you say, and that no one cares, no one likes you or finds you attractive. Well you know what? I do. I read every fucking thing you post there, and every time I see what you're going through I get this twisty feeling in my stomach. I fucked things up between us quite majorly, enough so that its understandable if you don't ever want to talk to me again. But I'd rather that not happen. I don't know if its the hour or the way I'm feeling about everything else, but all I really want right now is to hug you. You still have to show me Hedwig, and I'm going to hold you to that. Look, you're human. Just like the rest of us. Sometimes we have problems that we can't ignore. You have to understand that. And you also have to understand that there are people there for you when that happens. I'd like to be one of them.

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