I’ve decided to start my journal again. Not because of the predicted disaster – although this trip has been upsetting, it hardly rates as a disaster. This is because of one event that occurred a short time ago.
Right now, it’s 1:47 AM, Greek time. When Ted, Teddy and I arrived back at our hotel, the Herodion, Ted and I went to the elevator while Teddy went to the bar for water. As we waited for the elevator, three girls entered the hotel and walked over. By girls, I mean about my age. They were all rather good looking. I didn’t even bother to check what language they spoke. The five of us crowded into an elevator designed to comfortably hold two people. The door closed, I joked about the architect, the girls giggled, and chattered.
I watched the numbers, they watched me.
Normally, this is the part where I freeze. But I didn’t. I looked at them and smiled. They smiled back. When we exited the elevator (2nd floor, they were going to 4) I was giddy enough that I didn’t know which way to turn. I looked back to the elevator, and as the door closed, one of them said “You have nice eyes.” Ted says they were speaking Spanish, and that the phrase “Dios Mio” kept coming up while they were talking about me. I was too busy staring into the eyes of the girl in front of me to notice. When morning comes, I’m going to look for them and see if nice eyes are enough for a kiss.
None of this explains why I wanted to put this in writing. I think its because the moment seemed so ephemeral – as if not writing it down would cause it to have never happened. Also, it seemed important somehow, like it reaffirmed some belief in myself that I never knew I was missing. What frightens me is that it seems to be a very shallow one.
But maybe that’s what I’m missing. Maybe my cure lies in a kiss. I think I’m going to try and go back to New York closer to the way I used to be – random physical contact doesn’t seem like a bad idea.
I think that’s what I really want from Nathalie – the same kind of relationship I have with Sasha. I enjoy spending time with her, and I also find her physically attractive. But I don’t think a girlfriend is what I want right now. Sasha, Nathalie, Karina, Ayla – all varying degrees of familiarity and physical contact. I want to be able to meet a girl and just kiss her, and maybe never see her again. I want to find out which of my crushes are single and kiss them just once – just so they know, and just so I know that I have. I want to watch a girl’s eyes on Acid, make love to her on Ecstasy. I want to do something with the emotion that I’ve built up every time I’ve found someone attractive. I want to feel the press of someone against me, no matter what I’m doing. I want to live.
And it starts with a kiss.