Surreal Top-X
* 1. Back by somewhat popular demand
¿ --
* 2. Very popular...
Dangerman --
* 3. So, uh...are we having fun yet?
ReedMan --
* 4. But "fun" is so relative....
Primis --
* 5. #4. but none of my relatives are fun.
ChAoS -- So a random braindump that devolves into a story,
just like the origional.
* 6. I just thought of something...Hairy, Sex, Big Unit and
Tom Jefferson; Clinton busted for having "sex" with
Monica; William JEFFERSON Clinton!
ReedMan -- I tried a braindump once, all I got was blood
and brain tissue.
* 7. #6: I can't believe noone's said that yet!
--
* 8. JEFFERSON, their I finally said it, you happy.
No One -- have you said it yet?
* 9. #6. Dragonlady had sex with Tom Jeffersons hairy big
unit.
ChAoS --
* 10. From the prismatic mists of pure pristine insanity to
the crystal clarity of reality this is the surreal
network, all surreal all the time.
ChAoS --
* 11. NEW TOY IDEA: The Salvadore Dolly. Yuck, it's melting.
And is that something sexual ... on crutches? Now it's
made of meat products. Bizzarre.
ChAoS --
* 12. A cuban cubist cubed a cue card.
ChAoS --
* 13. Get in touch with your inner psychopath. He's in their
torturing your inner child and eating select bodily
organs.
ChAoS --
* 14. A million miles away in space an asteroid hurdles
towards the earth, taking great leaps over small moons and
winning the Io olympics. It ricochets off the moon, hooks
a curve on the rings of saturn, and gets sucked into a
black hole which proptly deflates.
ChAoS -- Why do so many people drink/do drugs when
temporary insanity gives you the same results withour side
effects.
* 15. One step closer and the basement door gets opened.
Then I see what we closed off in the attic.
ChAoS -- Why do so many people drink/do drugs when
temporary insanity gives you the same results withour side
effects.
* 16. COOCOOCACHEW Mrs. Robinson. It's me, your favorite
superhero eggman with my partner the walrus.
ChAoS -- Why do so many people drink/do drugs when
temporary insanity gives you the same results withour side
effects.
* 17. Upon being bitten by a redioactive mayfly Peter Parker
discovered he had only 24 hours to live. So he had but one
mission, to breed before he dies.
ChAoS -- Why do so many people drink/do drugs when
temporary insanity gives you the same results withour side
effects.
* 18. Sarah Conner soon learned the futures true horror. By
preventing the terminator their is no war, without a war
Jon Conner doesn't go back in time to warn her. Without
Jon going back in time no one would stop the skynet
program, without the skynet program their is war and
terminators.
ChAoS -- Why do so many people drink/do drugs when
temporary insanity gives you the same results withour side
effects.
* 19. I will now set up a time traveler trap, anyone who
crosses this point in the time stream will be sucked int
the here and now.
ChAoS -- Boredom fuels the surreal list.
* 20. write the first thing that comes to your head. It's
fun, I dare you. nyah nyah nya nyah nyah!
ChAoS -- Boredom fuels the surreal list.
* 21. On the Fifth Day the great farkle spoke and he said
Let their be sporgies and lo, their were sporgies.
ChAoS -- Boredom fuels the surreal list.
* 22. Well, I'll be hornswoggled. It's the Fashion police.
Curses foiled again. My plot to make the world plaid is
defeated.
ChAoS -- Boredom fuels the surreal list.
* 23. I saw godzilla in a chiffon dress. He was dancing with
king kong.
ChAoS -- Boredom fuels the surreal list.
* 24. Mackeral mackeral who likes mackeral. Suck out their
eyes and bite off their heads.
ChAoS -- SOYLANT GREEN IS MADE FROM PEOPLE! PEOPLE!
* 25. FISH AND CHIPS ARE MADE FROM SHARK! SHARK!
ChAoS -- SOYLANT GREEN IS MADE FROM PEOPLE! PEOPLE!
* 26. Soil ain't green.
ChAoS -- SOYLANT GREEN IS MADE FROM PEOPLE! PEOPLE!
* 27. Am I mAd Or Is ThE wOrLd MaD aNd I'm SaNe?
ChAoS -- SOYLANT GREEN IS MADE FROM PEOPLE! PEOPLE!
* 28. I am a yam.
ChAoS -- SOYLANT GREEN IS MADE FROM PEOPLE! PEOPLE!
* 29. Do you hear it in their oinks, in their grunts and
squeels? The pigs are communists I tell you communists!
ChAoS- I always get my mania. -- I wonder wonder wonder
why, they didn't burn the book of love.
* 30. Mongolian hordes for sale. Fresh bloodthirsty
mongolian warriors. 50 cents a piece. $1.00 for cavalry.
ChAoS- I always get my mania. -- I wonder wonder wonder
why, they didn't burn the book of love.
* 31. MoRe FuN tHaN a BaRrAl Of SkUnKiEs.
ChAoS- I always get my mania. -- I wonder wonder wonder
why, they didn't burn the book of love.
* 32. I wonder wonder wonder who, who wrote the
necronomicon.
ChAoS- I always get my mania. -- I wonder wonder wonder
why, they didn't burn the book of love.
* 33. Mounty women always get their man.
ChAoS- I always get my mania. -- I wonder wonder wonder
why, they didn't burn the book of love.
* 34. Wookie one was our favorite son, but you had to watch
him like a hawk. Klingon barf has a dirty scarf because he
was always going BACKH!
ChAoS --
* 35. Dangerman was a dirty sod, Sacred Monkeys a demigod.
ChAoS --
* 36. Reedman has 1000 minds, Jinxster's a pagan and she's
kind.
ChAoS --
* 37. Lord Kalhoun has a hammer of god, lovely TiGar, blonde
like goldenrods.
ChAoS --
* 38. Sri Radhu his anus complete, yet for Amanda, hers
would eat.
ChAoS --
* 39. Sycho Syd was once Just Me, Dragonlady is just Kinky.
ChAoS --
* 40. ChAoS is the one who made this grimey mess. AWM and
Drewboy want liberals crimes confessed.
ChAoS --
* 41. Rat a rodent without fail, Falcon & company rule
Hilsdale.
ChAoS --
* 42. Kathylee in her basement'll demise, yet for Timm we
simply despise.
ChAoS --
* 43. Sub Commander Fnord's from outer space. Semly` mouse
has her place.
ChAoS --
* 44. Tec42 is moderator, Eternal was fed to an alligator.
ChAoS -- exhausted, yet I know I'm missing someone.
* 45. Insignificant Other was sort of fun, too bad his
return will never come. :(
ChAoS -- exhausted, yet I know I'm missing someone.
* 46. Chaos you are insane. Insane like toast. Burnt toast.
Burnt toast with butter and a slice of cheddar cheese on
the side.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 47. The cheddar cheese is moldy. That's because it's been
on the counter for 9 days. I didn't put it on the
sandwhich.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 48. Why was it not in the sandwhich you ask? Because I was
interrepted while making the sandwhich, wait that's not
true.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 49. I was in a hurry when I made the sandwhich, so it's a
sloppy sandwhich. I hate sloppy sandwhiches.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 50. When i picked it up to put it in the baggie, the
cheese fell out. I was in a hurry, I didn't pick up the
cheese.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 51. Chaos you are insane. Insane like toast. Burnt toast.
Burnt toast with butter and a slice of cheddar cheese on
the side.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 52. The cheddar cheese is moldy. That's because it's been
on the counter for 9 days. I didn't put it on the
sandwhich.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 53. Why was it not in the sandwhich you ask? Because I was
interrepted while making the sandwhich, wait that's not
true.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 54. I was in a hurry when I made the sandwhich, so it's a
sloppy sandwhich. I hate sloppy sandwhiches.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 55. When i picked it up to put it in the baggie, the
cheese fell out. I was in a hurry, I didn't pick up the
cheese.
Reedmna -- The cheese stands alone.
* 56. Oops. Why was I in a hurry? Because my ankle hurt and
I had to get to the emergency room before it closed at 6
am. I was making a sandwhich that early because my ankle
hurt.
ReedMan -- AAACk
* 57. I hurt my ankle falling off a cliff saving a little
old lady from a huge gigantic tiny bear. It was going to
eat her. Because she had candy in her left shoe.
ReedMan -- AAACk
* 58. It was in her left shoe to balance out the huge corn
in her right shoe. I dont know why she put it there. She
was old.
ReedMan -- AAACk
* 59. The bear was hungry because Bill Gates had eaten all
his food and boought out his land and taken all the caves
for himslef.
ReedMan -- AAACk
* 60. Bill Gates likes cave. I dont much care for them, but
then, I'm not bill gates and I certainly dont have his
penchant for caves and bears and berries and stuff like
that.
ReedMan -- AAACk
* 61. I'm sure that the bear would have liked to eat the
cheese, except that the cheese was still sitting on the
counter gathering mold, which isn't that hard to do, just
lick the shower with your toungue.
Reedman -- Uh, yea.
* 62. I dont lick the shower with my toungue, but I know
some people that do. Some people just have more culture
than others.
Reedman -- Uh, yea.
* 63. Speaking of Jefferson and Sex, there's still the
matter of Jefferson's illigitimate children with his
slave.
Reedman -- Uh, yea.
* 64. Even then they knew that black women make better
lovers.
Reedman -- Uh, yea.
* 65. Someplace in the distant moonlit glen a wolf howls
ominously.
ChAoS --
* 66. "Don't mind me" says the wolf, "Howling ominously is
my job, I get paid $5.00 an hour doing it."
ChAoS --
* 67. In this wooded den something evil was afoot.
ChAoS --
* 68. A foot covered with callouses, corns, blisters, and
bunions.
ChAoS --
* 69. And each Bunion was accompanied by his blue ox Babe.
ChAoS --
* 70. And we all know the hottest babes are ox babes.
ChAoS --
* 71. Hot, not as in sexy, but as in melting solid steel at
a distance of 12 feet away.
ChAoS --
* 72. And feet don't weigh much I'll tell you that.
ChAoS --
* 73. that.
ChAoS --
* 74. See, I said I'd tell you that.
ChAoS --
* 75. Someplace in the lemurian depths of the pacific, deep
in the marinara trench an ancient lovecraftian horror
awakens.
ChAoS --
* 76. It rises from its slumber, growling, angry at what has
awakened it.
ChAoS --
* 77. It hits the snooze button on it's alarm clock and
slinks back into a few more millenia of sleep.
ChAoS --
* 78. When it can sleep no longer the entity awakens and
stumbles onto shore feeling a deep hunger stirring within
it. It knew it wanted one thing, food, but what kind.
ChAoS --
* 79. The immense tentacled horror swam through the oceanic
depths surveying its options. Hmmm. Japan, naaah it ate
oriental food last time. It then swam to rome, Italian,
not it's food of choice, Italian gives ancient horrors
gas. But what could it eat. It swam to sydney. The olympic
track and field events had started already. Damn! He hated
fast food. He had but one choice. The lovecraftian horror
swam to the north Atlantic, up the St. Laurence sea way,
climbed Niagra falls, slogged through the filth of like
eerie, lake inferior, and lake OH TERRY NO! It settled
into lake Michigan. Here the monster of Lake Michigan (as
it would later be dubbed) waited for a promising meal to
show itself.
ChAoS --
* 80. The oily black gigantic tentacled monstrousity decided
on Hilsdale. It lurched out of the water. It's glistning
black flesh dripping the red sauce of the marinara trench.
It waded through the buildings of Detroit, heading towards
Hilsdale. their it will dine.
ChAoS --
* 81. Cries of panic resounded throughout the city. Weapons
were fired at the immense alien horror but only bounced
off its skin. This was fine for simple things like knives
and arrows, but for the bullets, missiles, and
thermonuclear devices it was a whole other problem. All of
the midwest was a irradiated wasteland of twisted mutant
progeny of the bomb. Not that that makes much of Michigan
and Ohio any different from what they were before.
ChAoS --
* 82. Meanwhile in Detroit rats who lived in the irradiated
filth evolved quickly without human influence and quickly
became the dominant sentient species.
ChAoS --
* 83. Somewhere in Hillsdale, Rat squeeled with delight.
ChAoS --
* 84. A squeel echoed by he rodent bretheren. After the
horror dines on the humans the rat race would rule the
earth. However on some level rat couldn't help but feel
that the rat race already had control, just not the rats.
ChAoS --
* 85. As the oily black tentacles twist through the houses
of Hillsdale, residents were thrown into the monsters
gaping ma. "But MA! Why do you have to ruin all my fun."
cried the annoyed creature. The only responce was it being
sent back home without it's supper.
ChAoS --
* 86. Needless to say all Hillsdale was eaten except the
university, the local hub of bad taste tastes bad.
ChAoS --
* 87. Meanwhile the rat race (a marathon in fact) ran from
city to city devouring the flesh of the living. Why?
Eating the flesh of the dead is so cliche`.
ChAoS --
* 88. This creature of pure horror did make its way across
the country, eating and terrorizing, terrorizing and
eating.
ReedMan -- Mould in my brain
* 89. Until it met the moldy cheese. The cheese which had
been sitting on my counter for some 5555 years and the
mold had so completely engulfed the cheese that there was
now no cheese and the mold had developed into a scary
thing of its own.
ReedMan -- Mould in my brain
* 90. This scary thing could only sit there and think about
the cheese that it had once digested, it wanted more but
couldn't do anything because it knew nothing else.
ReedMan -- Mould in my brain
* 91. Until the horrible thing and the horrible rats met the
mold and started chewing on it, because it looked like a
good thing to chew on because it smelled like cheese.
ReedMan -- Mould in my brain
* 92. This angered the mold creature.
ReedMan -- Mould in my brain
* 93. And thus angered, the mold creature became mobile and
struck back at the horrible things that were chewing upon
it, much like a mule tries to avoid the stink of its own
urine.
ReedMan --
* 94. The horrible creature, not having encountered
resistance ever in its life was instantly transformed into
another mold creature, because that's what mold does, it
transforms things into mold.
ReedMan --
* 95. So now there were two mold creatures, and both wanted
cheese. Because cheese is good. The hunk of cheese that
had started it all was, of course, Wenslydale cheese. Rat
had some in his cuboard.
ReedMan --
* 96. Some mutinous rats told the mold creatures that rat
had some cheese in his cuboard, and ignoring the
supermarkets that had huge quantities of cheese, the mold
creatures set off towards Rat's cubboard.
ReedMan --
* 97. Rats scattered like rats in front of the oncoming
onslaught of mold creatures. In the distance, Rat hears a
slight thudding sound that soon increases to a relatively
louder thudding sound.
ReedMan --
* 98. Uh oh, says rat, there must be two giant mold
creatures here after my cheese. Rat you see, was psychic,
and he had read the script. Which is more than I can say
for Wallenda Jones.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in POpaorognalg
* 99. Soon an epic battle would take place between the Rat
and his questionably sized Claymore and the two Mold
creatures hungry for tasty cheese.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in POpaorognalg
* 100. Cut to a scene of some poor sap molesting some cows
somewhere in michigan. In his hand he holds a hereditary
deed to the cows.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in POpaorognalg
* 101. In his other hand he holds a car vaccuum, being
careful not to get it stuck in his brain, which would
explode, sending brains, airplane fuel and pee everywhere.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in POpaorognalg
* 102. Rat cuts the mold creature in half with his sword.
But it just makes two mold creatures. He decides to wisely
abandon his cheese and get some more in the store, before
the creatures eat much more.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in POpaorognalg
* 103. However, others are not so smart, they attempt to
kill, maim, staple and mutilate the giant sentient mold
creatures. This only makes more of them. And it makes them
angry.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in Portland, ergon
* 104. Soon there is an army of mold creatures marching
across the earth. If they get much angrier they are going
to decide to eradicate the human race, as well as the 200M
race. And they could do it if they wanted to. If they got
angry enough.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in Portland, ergon
* 105. For you see, they are horrible things to behold, with
two heads and 8 eyes each and horrible claws.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in Portland, ergon
* 106. Their souls are pure evil with just a touch of peach
fuzz They can draw from the universal power source to feed
their infinite evil
ReedMan -- Somewhere in Portland, ergon
* 107. They decide to rest a moment, underneath a townhouse
apartment in Portland Oregon.
ReedMan -- Somewhere in Portland, ergon
* 108. ****NEW ORDERS RECIEVED**** TO:Commander Ptui of the
S.S. FUNKY CHICKEN; CC: Sub-Commanders Hrrrk & FNORd of
S.S. FUNKY CKICKEN
Sub-Commander FNORd -- I am not a cow
* 109. Stardate 867-5309. **ORDERS AS FOLLOWS** S.S. FUNKY
CHICKEN and crew to proceed directly to WILMA III to
subdue and conqure inhabitants and claim planet for the
Federation.
Sub-Commander FNORd -- I am not a cow
* 110. Odd...I thought Wilma Three was an ally of ours...and
Hrrrk and Ptui seem awfully eager to carry out this
mission.
Sub-Commander FNORd -- I am not a cow
* 111. I'll have to investigate this further...
Sub-Commander FNORd -- I am not a cow
* 112. Etimegev
Lem --
* 113. YRTNE YTTIW CIRENEG
RESU X-POT CIRENEG --
* 114. ***Stardate 420-24/7-365*** Aha! Spectral scans of
Wilma III show enormous quantities of gold ore! So...Hrrrk
and Ptui are planning to plunder the planet illicitly and
get rich! Well not if I can help it!
Sub-Commander FNORd -- Foiled!
* 115. Calling in a favor from Commander Hulabaloo of the
S.S. Janet Reno and Lieutenants Xerox, Malox, and Detox,
I'll be able to create a distraction long enough to thwart
their plans!`
Sub-Commander FNORd -- Foiled!
* 116. While Commander Ptui is distracted on the bridge by
the sudden arrival of Hulabaloo's Janet Reno, Security
Officer Bnipz has a dramatic fight with Erty
Sub-Commander FNORd -- Foiled!
* 117. Meanwhile, with the help of Xerox, Malox and Detox, I
corner Hrrrk in the shuttle bay with some cronies
preparing an away mission.
Sub-Commander FNORd -- Foiled!
* 118. After a short scuffle, we manage to get them to the
brig, where they join Erty.
Sub-Commander FNORd -- Foiled!
* 119. I confront Commander Ptui on the bridge. "You'll
never catch me alive!!" He shouts. "You're right" I say,
as I kick him out the nearest airlock.
Sub-Commander FNORd -- Ha ha!
* 120. With that little matter settled, I must now turn to
my report to Admiral Spazz.
Sub-Commander FNORd -- Ha ha!
* 121. Meanwhile, in the carboniferous period, the preacher
of fishes sat on the shore once again delivering his
rhetoric on how their species will one day walk the earth.
As usual dozens of fishes beach themselves at his feet and
die gasping for air. He eats well tonight, fish has always
been his favorite.
ChAoS --
* 122. Then he heard a knocking on the door to his time
machine. He opened it and saw a fish. Not a lobe finned
fish or a lung fish like the type that's supposed to
become the ancestor of all land vertebrates but instead a
very disgruntled carp. It filed a formal complaint against
his actions then flopped back into the water and swam off.
ChAoS --
* 123. Sub-Commander FNORd, I am here today to honor you for
your excellent deeds in stopping the plunder of Wilma III
by those degenerate shipmates of yours.
Admiral Spazz --
* 124. Also, it appears that since Commander Ptui is now
dead, the Funky Chicken is without a commander. I deem it
appropriate that you be made her new Commander.
Admiral Spazz --
* 125. Excellent! Thank you, sir!
Commander FNORd -- This little tale is done.
* 126. Stopped the bad guys and got a promotion! What a day!
Now, as long as the Admiral doesn't find out about the few
tons of gold that I have stashed in the cargo bay, I'm
home free!
Commander FNORd -- This little tale is done.
* 127. Er, right. Anyways, back to the gigantic mould
creatures terrorizing the countryside.
ReedMan -- Somewhere iN portland, Oregon
* 128. Bored of hibernating in Portland roegon, where
nothing substantiative ever happened, the mould creatures
wandered across the sea, across Asia and Europe, ending up
in England.
ReedMan -- Somewhere iN portland, Oregon
* 129. "Huh huh, Mold, heh heh" said Dangerman.
ReedMan -- Somewhere iN portland, Oregon
* 130. #129. Actually, being British he said Mould.
ChAoS -- colour, flavour, and other favourite english
spellings.
* 131. Selfish bastard, it's all about "U", isn't it?
ReedMan -- qwertyuiopasdfghjll;zxcvbnm,
Started by: ¿ (The Poster Formerly Known As Chewie)
Started on: Wed Jan 20 21:49:55 1999
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