MiSTed: Sonic: Season Three - "Body Double"
Original Author: Roland Lowery (aka Jim Doe)
MiSTed by: Roland Lowery (aka Roland Lowery (aka Jim Doe))
Copyright stuff located at the bottom of this file!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Once again, Mike Nelson tries to keep his sanity . . .
(With the help of his robot friends!)
Robot Roll Call:
Cambot! ("Eat text!")
Gypsy! ("Eat fuel!")
Tom Servo! ("Eat lead!")
CROOOOOOOOOOW! ("Eat me!")
It's Myster Science Theatre 3000! *bwararawwwn . . . *
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[Satellite of Love - Interior. Crow and Tom are playing a video
game to the right. Both are yelling and screaming things like "Whoa!
Gotcha! Look out! Wow! Hey!". Tom, instead of holding the controller
and pressing the buttons, is flinging his useless arms at it repeatedly.
Meanwhile, Mike is reading the instruction booklet, a confused look on his
face.]
MIKE: [looks up] Oh, hey everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of
Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and these two . . .
TOM: HAH! I beat you again! Take THAT!
CROW: I still don't understand how you can do that without being able
to use your arms . . .
TOM: It's an aquired skill.
MIKE: . . . are Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, who have recently picked
up this new game . . . [looks at the booklet's cover] . . . "Super Death
Match Battle Arena Street Killer Fighter Alpha Number Seven Evil Shadow
Destroyers." [shakes his head] I'm still trying to figure out how you
move forward.
CROW: Oh, that's EASY, Mike! You just press down, down forward,
forward, high kick, low kick, tap fierce punch, back, back, jump!
MIKE: To move FORWARD?
[Pause]
CROW: Um, yah.
TOM: Jeez, Mike, don't you know ANYthing?
MIKE: [shrugs] I guess not.
[Commercial Sign]
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[Commercial: A giant box appears on the screen, the word
"CHUNGALUNGA!" written across it in huge letters. A screaming voice says
"BUY CHUNGALUNGA! NOW!"]
[Commercial: "Hi, I'm a big celebrity. Buy Chungalunga!. 'Cause
I sure do."]
[Commercial: A small box with the word "Lungachunga." appears on
the screen. A scared voice says, "Please buy Lungachunga., the one and
only competitor fo-" Suddenly, the CHUNGALUNGA! box smashes the
Lungachunga. box. The screaming voice says "BUY CHUNGALUNGA! NOW!"]
[SOL - Interior. Mike and the robots have taken their usual
places. Mike still looks confused.]
MIKE: So, to jump, I press B, B, A, Up, Left, Left, R, Right, Left?
TOM: [irritated] No no NO, Mike! It's fierce kick, fierce kick,
high punch, jump, forward, forward, fierce punch, backward, forward!
MIKE: But . . . but isn't that what I said?
CROW: Forget it, Tom. He's just not made for the higher thinking
video games like we are.
TOM: "We"? Who beat who twenty two times in a row?
[MADs Sign]
MIKE: Enough, guys . . . Hippy, Yippy, and Yahooey are calling.
[Mike taps the MADs Sign.]
[The Widowmaker - Interior. Pearl is driving, her eyes half
closed. Observer is flipping listlessly through a magazine and Professor
Bobo is asleep in the back seat.]
PEARL: [yawns] Hey, boys. Did you miss me?
[SOL]
TOM: Umm . . . yaaah. Sure.
CROW: Like we miss a dirty diaper.
MIKE: Well, we WERE kind of wondering why you guys didn't send us any
horrible, gut wrenching, and sadistically evil movies or short stories our
way yesterday. What's up?
[TWM]
PEARL: What's up, Nelscar, is that we all stayed up late last night
trying to hack into some people's computers to see if they had anything
awful enough to give you guys. Call it "looking for fresh meat night". I
was able to pick up a delightful little piece called Sonic: Season Three
- "Body Double", an attempted continuation of the old Saturday morning
Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon show.
[SOL. Mike and the robots are looking worriedly at each other.]
TOM: [whining] Miiiiiike, I'm scared . . . they're digging up crap
from people's computers BEFORE it becomes crap on the internet!
MIKE: Wow, uh, Pearl . . . you'd do that for us?
[TWM]
PEARL: [motherly] Well, of COURSE I'd do anything for you guys! I
mean, we've been together so long, it's almost like . . . [bites her
forefinger as if hesitant to say her feelings] . . . like you guys are
FAMILY! [suddenly back to the mean old Pearl] Send 'em the crap, Brain
Guy.
OBSERVER: Right away, madam.
[Observer shakes his head momentarily. On the SOL, the Fanfic
Sign goes off, along with all the regular alarms and lights.]
MIKE: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN, GUYS!
[They run offscreen.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Mike and the Robots enter the theatre and take their regular
seats.]
MIKE: Look a the bright side, guys . . . since this hasn't really made
it to the internet yet, maybe it won't be so bad . . .
TOM: Nice try, Nelson, but I think I saw a link for it on
http://www.iwaynet.net/~moogle.
CROW: WE'RE DOOMED!
MIKE: D'oh!
> Series Title - Sonic:
MIKE: . . . In Space!
TOM: Wait, no copyright info?
CROW: Maybe he didn't have time to put it on there . . .
MIKE: Actually, guys, I think he's the same person writing our riffs,
and he just decided to put all the copyright stuff together.
CROW: Mike's getting all metaphysical again, Tom.
TOM: Don't make us sedate you, Nelson.
> Season Three
> Episode Title - "Body Double"
> Script by - Roland Lowery (aka Jim Doe)
TOM: . . . aka Mr. Big.
MIKE: . . . aka Shadow Boss.
CROW: . . . aka Connor McLeod.
>
> Notes - All directions ("camera" and otherwise) will be in [brackets].
MIKE: Funny, that's the same programming Cambot has.
>
>
TOM: This'll probably be the biggest plot point of the story.
> [Opening shot: A white screen with the paragraph below. A
> NARRATOR reads the paragraph.]
> Narrator: "During the week after Dr. Robotnik's ill-fated
CROW: . . . experiment with Cool Whip and tangerines . . .
> Doomsday
> Project was destroyed, the Mobian Freedom Fighters celebrated their good
> fortune.
MIKE: And there was much rejoicing.
ALL: [dully] Yay.
> There was no sign of the evil doctor anywhere.
TOM: His tiny blown up pieces won't fall out of orbit until NEXT
week.
MIKE: Eww!
> His army of
> SWATbots appeared to be frozen where they stood at the time of his demise.
MIKE: But they COULD have been moving around and stuff. Who knows?
> There had been no word from Snively, Robotnik's weasely assisstant."
CROW: They make fun of Snively . . .
MIKE: Yah . . .
> [Change to next sheet.]
> Narrator: "Their victory did not come without a price, however.
CROW: [Chris Rock] FIVE DOLLAH? Good LAWD, tha's a lotta money! How
'bout . . . how 'bout I give ya two dollah, and you jus' let me shoot ya
wit' a cap gun, an' you fall ovah?
> As
> time went by,
TOM: . . . Sonic went into a deep despression and, having nothing
else to do, showed all of the other Freedom Fighters his Sonic Spin, up
close and personal. End of story!
MIKE: Not quite.
> the Deep Power Stones' seemed to lose their power.
MIKE: But they COULD have kept it and stuff. Who knows?
> This
> loss, however, was of little importance to Princess Sally Acorn, who was
CROW: . . . busy trying to get that stupid stain out of her dress.
TOM: [laughs] Political humour is ALWAYS funny!
> finally ready to march into the foul Robotorpolis sprawl, reclaim it, and
> ascend her rightful place as
MIKE: . . . the first female don of the Mobian Mafia.
CROW: [Sally] I will makes you an offer youse can't refooze. Nicole,
scan some concrete boots on dem.
> Queen of Mobius."
> [Next sheet.]
TOM: The action in this is just riveting, isn't it?
MIKE: It's a page turner, all right.
> Narrator: "Suspicious of old
CROW: . . . people, Sally decided that her first order as Queen would
be to destroy Florida!
> traps that may have been left in the
> city, Sonic the Hedgehog - commander of the Knothole Freedom Fighters and
> self-proclaimed 'fastest thing alive' -
TOM: . . . aka Mr. Big.
MIKE: We did that one already.
TOM: Oh, yah.
> insisted that he and the other
> core Freedom Fighters make
CROW: . . . a cake!
TOM: [Homer] Mmm . . . cake . . .
> a preliminary run through first. As they
> approach the city limits, two glowing red eyes watch them from the shadows
> . . . "
MIKE: God . . . ?
> [Page burns away to black background with two glowing red eyes.
MIKE: Santa . . . ?
> Sound F/X: Laser, burning paper, metal "sheen", then mechanical hum.]
ALL: WHOO HOO!
[Tom "sheens" while Crow hums.]
>
> [Black out. Title screen: SONIC in big letters, with "Season
> Three" underneath. Second black out.
MIKE: Does anyone else feel dizzy?
> Episode title screen: "Body
> Double" with short credits, a small pic of Sonic running by, and heroic
CROW: [heroically] . . . people doing heroic things in heroic places!
Those were indeed heroic times!
ALL: EXCELSIOR!
> music playing in background . . . original title card and music if
> possible.]
MIKE: But it COULD be impossible and stuff. Who knows?
TOM: I think we got it, Nelson.
>
> [Black out. Establishing shot: Robotropolis.]
> Sonic's voice: "Man, you'd think at least SOME of the stink woulda
> gotten blown away by now!"
CROW: How did Sonic's voice get into Tom's bedroom?
TOM: Hey!
> [Pause]
MIKE: And his sidekick, Hesitant Boy.
> Antoine's voice: [scared] "M-m-mebbe we should not have been comeng
> here, mah Preencess?"
> [Scene change. Secondary establishing shot of Robotropolis.]
TOM: More of that thrill a minute action!
> Sally's voice: "Don't be silly, Antoine."
CROW: [Sally] Be afraid. Be VERY afraid.
> Sonic's voice: [taunting] "Whassa matter, Ant'? Afraid of . . .
MIKE: Bad writing?
CROW: Plodding scripts?
TOM: Gigantic plot holes?
> GHOSTS?!"
> [Scene change: City limits of Robotropolis. ROTOR, BUNNIE, and
> TAILS are looking up at the towering buildings while SALLY scans the area
> in front of them with NICOLE.
MIKE: [Sally] She says there are buildings here . . . but where ARE
they? I can't see them!
> SONIC and ANTOINE stand slightly apart
> from the rest.
CROW: [singing] Standing outside the fire . . .
> Antoine has his nose in
CROW: . . . Bunnie's-
MIKE: Finish that sentence and die.
> the air, arms crossed, and chest
TOM: . . . exploding! ALIENS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
CROW: Very dark.
TOM: Thanks.
> puffed out. Sonic is grinning mischeveously.]
> Antoine: [idignant] "Non, Monsieur 'Edge'og! [looks around warily]
> Just, ah, just be-eng precocious!"
ALL: Awww . . .
> Rotor: [without looking from the city] "That's 'precautious', Ant'."
> Antoine: "Zis es what I am sayeng! Precocious!"
MIKE: [Antoine] Oh, be doeng ze nevair mindengs! I am not to be
doeng ze knowledgengs of what I am sayeng eithair!
> Sonic: [laughs]
TOM: Shouldn't that be [Sonic laughs.]?
MIKE: How'd you do that?
TOM: Practice.
> Sally: "Okay, guys, I think we're in the clear. Nicole says that
> everything - booby
MIKE: Don't even.
CROW: I haven't even said anything yet!
MIKE: After that almost comment about Bunnie, I'm pre-empting you this
time.
CROW: D'oh!
> traps, factories, EVERYthing
TOM: [Sally] And just to make that clear . . . EVERYTHING!
> - has been shut down for
> at least the next ten blocks."
> Bunnie: "Why's that, Sally girl?"
MIKE: [Sally] Because it's convenient to the plot.
> Sally: "It's probably some failsafe that Robotnik had built in. If
> he died, then his generators would shut down or simply self-destruct."
TOM: Just then, the tiny bits of Robotnik came crashing back to
Mobius, the self-destruct activated, and everyone dies!
CROW: Except the robots.
TOM: Yes, except the robots.
MIKE: Hey!
> Rotor: "That way, even if someone got ahold of any equipment in the
> city, they couldn't power it."
MIKE: Sounds like my CD player.
> Sally: "Exactly. C'mon."
TOM: [drill seargant] To the LEFT, to the LEFT, to the LEFT RIGHT
LEFT . . .
> [The Freedom Fighters start to walk into the city, but Sonic zips
> in front of them and holds out a hand.]
CROW: [Sonic] Talk to the hand! C'mon, PLEASE talk to the hand? He
gets so lonely . . .
> Sonic: [points a thumb at his chest] "Allow me, Sal! I know this
> city like the back of my hand!"
> Sally: [mock sarcastically] "Neat trick for someone who wears gloves
> all the time."
TOM: ZING!
MIKE: [announcer] And Sally bashes him again! This is getting to be
a dirty fight tonight, folks!
> [Sonic, unpeturbed, races into the city. Sound F/X: Some kind of
> fast paced music
MIKE: But it COU- [stops and looks at Tom]
TOM: [sighs] Go ahead.
MIKE: But it COULD be slow paced and stuff. Who knows?
> while Sonic speeds around, checking out every nook and
> cranny
TOM: . . . and Crook and Chase . . .
MIKE: . . . and Siskel and Ebert . . .
CROW: . . . and a partridge in a pear tree.
> along the street.]
>
> [Scene change: Dimly lit computer panel in Robotnik's control
> tower. SNIVELY's hand reaches down and taps a few buttons.]
ALL: ACK!
MIKE: [Ronald Reagan] Where's the rest of me? Dear God, WHERE'S THE
REST OF ME?!
CROW: [Bruce Campbell] GIVE ME BACK MY HAND!
TOM: [singing] They're creepy and their kooky, mysterious and
spooky, they're altogether ooky . . .
> Snively's voice: "Proceed with attack, MS-01."
> Mecha-Sonic's voice: "Acknowledged."
MIKE: When Voices Collide . . . next on FOX!
>
> [Scene change: Sonic standing in the middle of a deserted
> street.]
> Sonic: [yelling] "Looks like it's clear, guys! I'm gonna go check on
> Unca Chuck!"
TOM: [Sonic] And I'm probably going to keep talking to myself, too!
>
> [Scene change: Freedom Fighters walking further into the city,
> looking about warily. Antoine is shaking in fright. Sally continues to
> scan with Nicole.
MIKE: . . . for the rest of the show.
> Tails flies up to the Princess.]
> Tails: "Can I go with Sonic, Aunt Sally?"
> Sally: [sighs] "I guess so, Tails. [smiles] Keep him out of
> trouble, okay?"
CROW: Hahaha . . . see, it's funny, 'cause-
MIKE: No it's not.
> Tails: "Okay! [yelling] Hey, Sonic, wait up!"
TOM: [Tails] And quit talking to yourself!
> [Scene change: Street deserted except for lifeless SWATbots
> standing silently on the sidewalk. Tails flys up to Sonic, who is running
> along unhurriedly.]
CROW: [Sonic] La dee dah, looking for traps . . . oh, there's one . .
. la dee dah . . .
> Sonic: [smiles] "What's up, little bro?"
> Tails: [looking around at the SWATbots] "Those things are creepy
> looking."
TOM: Yes, they are, but that's not what he asked!
> Sonic: "Ah, they're no more dangerous now than they were before!
> [laughs]"
ALL: [dully] Ha. Ha ha. Um, ha.
> [A laser beam coming from above and in front of Sonic and Tails
> hits the ground in front of them, bringing them to a halt.
MIKE: [Sonic] Stupid snipers!
> Scene
> change: MECHA-SONIC floating in the air, still aiming his arm laser at
> Sonic and Tails.]
TOM: YAY!
CROW: Shoot 'em! Kill the non-robots!
MIKE: Stop that!
> Mecha-Sonic: "Priority One: Sonic Hedgehog. Priority Two:
> Freedom Fighter, Designate: Miles 'Tails' Prower. Surrender or be
> destroyed."
MIKE: You guys think that this fight's going to be any better than any
other Sonic vs. Mecha-Sonic fight we've been subjected to so far?
TOM: No.
CROW: Yes. Oh, wait. I mean, no.
MIKE: Let's get outta here then.
[Mike and the robots leave the theatre.]
[Commercials . . . all the same commercials you saw five minutes
ago, only slightly more condensed.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[SOL - Interior. Mike is setting up a video game while the robots
look on.]
MIKE: Okay, guys, I think I've found a fighting game more my speed. I
warn you ahead of time, it's kinda old, so I don't know if you'll like it
or not.
CROW: [a little too cheerful] Um, I'm SURE we'll like it! Right,
Tom?
TOM: [doubtful] Yah, whatever.
MIKE: There, that should do it. I'll be first player, and since Tom
seems to be the better player-
CROW: Hey!
MIKE: -he can be second player.
[Mike sets a regular NES controller in front of Tom, who looks at
it, then up at Mike.]
TOM: This is it?
MIKE: Yup.
TOM: Where's all the buttons?
MIKE: [pointing] Right there.
TOM: But there's only two of them!
MIKE: That's all there's supposed to be.
TOM: What?! [sighs] Alright, alright, fine. What does the . . .
[looks at the controller] . . . A button do?
MIKE: It makes you kick.
[pause]
TOM: That's it?
MIKE: That's it.
TOM: [irritated] Just what game IS this?!
MIKE: It's called "Fighting Game".
[The two 'bots look at each other, then at Mike.]
CROW: Not Killer Mega-Death Ultimate Last Fighting Game Beta Beta
Alpha Ex Third the Fourth?
MIKE: Nope.
TOM: Not Super Explosion Evil Shadow Corporate Fighting Game the Last
Dream Fighter Eating Tofu Tournament Edition 2?
MIKE: Nope.
[Pause]
TOM: Who in their right mind would play a stupid game like this?!
[Gypsy enters from the left and looks at the TV.]
GYPSY: Oooo! Fighting Game! My favorite!
TOM: I reiterate . . . who in their right mind-
[Fanfic Sign, random chaos, alarms, bells, whistles, rubber
duckies.]
MIKE: Oops! Playtime's over! Back to the fic!
CROW: Poodletooters. *I* didn't get a turn . . .
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Mike and the 'bots file into the theatre and take their seats.]
>
> [Scene change: The Freedom Fighters, all looking off screen,
> except for Antoine, who is huddled on the ground, covering his ears and
> whimpering.]
MIKE: [Antoine] Oooo . . . waxy buildup!
> Bunnie: "Did y'all hear that?!"
TOM: Yes.
MIKE: No.
CROW: Yes.
TOM: Yes.
CROW: No.
MIKE: Yes.
CROW: Yes . . . I mean, no.
> Rotor: [points off screen] "It came from over there!"
TOM: From off screen?
> [Sally places Nicole in her boot. Rotor grabs Antoine by the
> collar as they all head towards the noise.]
MIKE: [Antoine] Take ze hands off of me, you son of a silly person!
>
> [Scene change: Sonic and Tails looking up at Mecha-Sonic.]
CROW: [Sonic] Ever thought of trimming your nose hairs, dude?
> Tails: "Sonic! He - he looks like YOU!"
MIKE: Sonic, of course, can't figure this out on his own.
TOM: Well, geez, Mike, he's just the main character, after all.
> Sonic: [to Mecha-Sonic] "I don't suppose it'd be too much to ask for
> YOU to surrender instead, huh?"
MIKE: [Mecha-Sonic] What, and miss our gratuitous fight scene?
> Mecha-Sonic: "By order of the Great Lord Snively,
CROW: [Snively] . . . but you can call me Dot.
TOM: If he tries to show them his little pet, I'm afraid I might have
to kill you for making that joke.
CROW: Bring it on, bubble boy!
> this unit orders
> you to stand down in five seconds, or be
MIKE: [Mecha-Sonic] . . . sprayed with whipped cream! Yum!
TOM: [Homer] Mmm . . . whipped cream . . .
> annihalated."
> Sonic: [sighs] "I didn't think
CROW: [Sonic] . . . that Wyoming was really a state!
> so. Alley oop, Tails!"
TOM: [Sonic] I've decided to stop talking to myself and start talking
nonsense to you instead!
> [Mecha-Sonic begins countdown as Tails airlifts
MIKE: . . . supplies to post-war Germany and a thousand crates of food
to the starving people of Africa.
CROW: Whatta guy!
> Sonic. Just as
> Mecha-Sonic fires, barely missing, Tails hurls
ALL: EWWW!!
CROW: [Garth] If you're gonna spew, spew into this!
> Sonic at him. Sonic goes
> into a Sonic Spin and knocks the mecha back. Mecha-Sonic recovers and
> prepares to fire again, this time at Tails.]
> Mecha-Sonic: "This unit's stability has been compromised by Priority
> One subject. New tactic: Eliminate secondary target to enhance this
> unit's chance for survival."
MIKE: Why don't you guys talk like that?
TOM: 'Cause we know better than to let you know our every move
seconds before we actually make them.
CROW: [droning] This unit shall make an attempt at humour.
> [Reaction shot: Tails.]
CROW: [droning] This unit believes that the organic being in question
is possibly thinking, "Oh, no, I left the iron on and sitting on the
burning oven while the water in the bathtub was left running and-"
MIKE: We get it, already!
> [Sonic lands on the ground, then shoots back up, dealing a massive
> uppercut to Mecha-Sonic.
ALL: CHA-CHING!
> The mecha is sent flying up and backwards,
> crashing through a wall. Sonic lands again.]
> Sonic: [grins] "Y'know, you talk too much!"
TOM: He's just the sort of gossipy robot good folks don't associate
with.
> [Sally, Bunnie, Rotor, and Antoine run up. Rotor - still
> dragging Antoine along - stops to check on Tails. Sally and Bunnie run up
> to Sonic.]
CROW: Sonic gets all the chicks . . .
MIKE: Technically, they're not chicks. They're a squirrel and a
rabbit.
TOM: FOX and a rabbit.
MIKE: Don't start that again!
> Rotor: "You alright?"
> Tails: [slightly shaken]
TOM: . . . not slightly stirred.
> "I think so . . . "
> Sally: "Sonic, what happened?"
> [Sonic points at the hole in the wall Mecha-Sonic made.]
> Sonic: "Snively made some kinda weird 'bot that looks like me!
MIKE: Is that self-depreceating or what?
> No
> problema, tho'. I smashed him but good!"
> [Sally, unconvinced, pulls Nicole out.]
CROW: That's just like Scully not to believe . . .
TOM: Um, that's "Sally", Crow.
CROW: Whatever.
> Sally: "Nicole, scan for the Sonic-like robot and check its energy
> readings."
> Nicole: "Scanning, Sally [pause] Scanning interrupted. Incoming
> message."
[A large, cartoon heart suddenly appears on the text viewer. It
throbs a few times, then disappears.]
CROW: What . . . the . . . hell?!
MIKE: Gypsy! We just got something weird on the screen here. Get the
nanites to run a diagnostic on it, will you?
GYPSY: [off screen] Rightio, Mike!
> [Close up of Nicole's display screen. Snively appears and grins
> evilly.]
TOM: [Snively] And welcome to EEEEvil Masterpiece Theatre!
MIKE: Creepy.
> Snively: "If you are recieving this recording, that means you must
CROW: [Snively] . . . cluck like a chicken.
> have tried to scan my MS-01 unit. A beauty, isn't he?"
MIKE: You're right. He isn't.
> [Scene Change to Reaction Shot: Sally, Sonic, and Bunnie.]
TOM: [King Arthur] So, tell me the plan again?
CROW: [Sonic] Well, when the SWATbots shut down for the night, Sally,
Bunnie, and I will leap from the rabbit-
TOM: [Arthur] Who?
CROW: [Sonic] Sally, Bunnie, . . . and . . . Um, well, maybe if we
built a giant badger . . .
TOM: [Arthur] Oooo . . .
MIKE: The Monty Python skit, ladies and gentlemen!
> Snively's voice:
CROW: Mike, I'm hearing voices again.
MIKE: [motherly] It's just the fanfic, dear. It'll be over soon.
CROW: Really?
MIKE: No. Not really.
> "I designed him some time ago, but only with the
> death of my uncle did I have
CROW: [Snively] . . . a dead uncle.
> the ability to create him. His full name
> is Mecha-Sonic 01,
CROW: [Snively] . . . but you can call him "Dot".
TOM: [whining] Miiiiiike . . . he said it agaaaaain . . .
MIKE: I'm sorry, Crow, but I'm with Tom on this one. That joke and
Snively don't sit well with my stomach.
CROW: Party poopers.
> built to be the dratted hedgehog's evil twin of
> sorts."
MIKE: "Of sorts"? He created the thing . . . wouldn't he know?
> [Reaction Shot: Sonic grimacing. Scene Change: Nicole's display
> screen.]
[The cartoon heart appears again, throbs for a second, then
disappears.]
TOM: There it goes again!
MIKE: Have you got that traced down yet, Gypsy?
GYPSY: [off screen] Almost, Mike! It's coming from one of the visual
data collectors, but we're not sure which one!
> Snively: "Oh, and if you're hearing this, hedgehog, I hope you didn't
> just try to punch your way through my creation . . . "
CROW: [Snively] . . . because then you would have won, and we'd have
nothing to do for the rest of the show.
> [Scene Change: The hole in the wall.
MIKE: Oooo . . . exciting.
> Mecha-Sonic's hand crashes
> out of the rubble, and he pulls himself up. No damage has been sustained.
BOTS: YAY!
[Mike sighs.]
> His eyes glow brighter red.]
TOM: [Terminator] Ah'll be bahck.
> Snively's voice: " . . . it would only serve to
MIKE: [Snively] . . . defeat him.
> irritate him.
CROW: Yah! Robots have feelings, too, y'know!
> End
> transmission."
> [Scene Change: The Freedom Fighters from angled bird's eye view.
> A bright spotlight appears on them and they all look up.]
CROW: [Chief Wiggum] Do not be alarmed! Continue swimming naked! .
. . . aw, c'mon! Continue!
> Mecha-Sonic's voice:
TOM: Does Elvis talk to you?
> [booming] "Threat level of Priority One
> subject and arrival of Priority Two collective designate: Freedom
> Fighters has forced this unit to enter Aggression Level 2!"
MIKE: God forbid Hanson should show up.
CROW: Or Bill Gates.
TOM: Or David Gonterman.
[All shudder.]
> [Scene Change: Close up on Mecha-Sonic's face and chest. One
> chest panel has raised up to reveal the spotlight. His eyes flash bright
> red,
MIKE: He REALLY needs some Visine . . .
> then he drops into the center of the Freedom Fighters. Two energy
> lassos fly from compartments in his arms, wrapping around Sonic and Sally.
> He then pulls the two in opposite directions and releases them, sending
> them flying away. They hit the ground, unconcious.
TOM: Who's Unconcious?
CROW: And why is it so important that he knows that they hit the
ground?
MIKE: And why isn't his name capitalized?
> Bunnie grabs the
> mecha by the back of the neck, but Mecha-Sonic elbows her in the stomach
> then flips her over his shoulder.
CROW: Kinky.
> Scene Change: Mecha-Sonic advances
> on Tails, Antoine, and Rotor, who has pulled out an energy pistol and is
> shakily aiming it at the mecha.]
> Rotor: "S-stay back!"
TOM: [Rotor] I'll wet my pants! I swear I will!
MIKE: Rotor doesn't wear any pants . . .
> [Rotor fires five shots, but all of them merely glance off the
> mecha's hull.]
BOTS: YAY!
MIKE: Enough cheering guys . . . my head is starting to hurt.
TOM: Bah! Spoil ALL our fun . . .
> Mecha-Sonic: "Designates: Rotor Walrus, Antoine DeCoolette, and
> Miles 'Tails' Prower. Threat level: Nominal. [looks at Sonic, Sally, and
> Bunnie, with scene changes for each]
MIKE: More of that mile a minute action.
> New orders recieved from Control.
> Capture program online. Execute."
CROW: "Execute"?! Boy, that's a pretty harsh capture program . . .
> [The energy lassos whip out again, snagging Rotor - who drops his
> pistol -
MIKE: Butterfingers!
> in one, Tails and Antoine in the other. Electricity arcs
TOM: . . . its eyebrow and says, "Facinating".
> through the lassos, making the Mobians go unconcious. Mecha-Sonic takes
MIKE: . . . "Inept Freedom Fighters" for $500, Alex.
> flight and heads towards the control tower.]
>
> [Scene Change: Bunnie's eyes flutter open and she sits up,
> rubbing her head.]
CROW: [Bunnie] Does any of y'all remembuh how many kegs I drank last
night?
> Bunnie: "What the hoo-hah happen- [worried expression] Sonic! Sally
> girl!"
MIKE: Squirrel!
TOM: Fox!
MIKE: Squirrel!
TOM: Fox!
CROW: Chimpanzee!
[Mike and Tom stare at Crow.]
CROW: What? You guys looked like you were having fun . . .
> [Bunnie wakes them up. They step back into the middle of the
> street to regroup.]
> Sonic: [looking around] "Hey, where's the others?!"
MIKE: Man, he's quick on the draw, ain't he?
TOM: Yup, a real sharpie, that one.
> [Sally pulls Nicole out and starts pushing buttons.]
[The cartoon heart throbs again for a moment.]
MIKE: Dangit, there it is again! Gypsy! Have you-
GYPSY: [off screen] Got it, Mike!
MIKE: Alright, guys, we're outta here.
CROW: 'Bout time.
[They exit the theatre.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[SOL - Interior. Mike and the bots are staring at a piece of
paper. Mike has an incredulous look on his face.]
CROW: What's it say?! What's it say?!
MIKE: Well, guys, it looks like . . . well, it looks like the source
of the heart is . . . CAMBOT!
[Pause.]
TOM: You're kidding, right?
GYPSY: Me and the nanites traced it directly to him, Tom.
TOM: *I* and the nanites. And this is preposterous! Why would
Cambot DO such a thing?!
MIKE: Well, let's look at this logically. When did the heart appear?
[They all think. The Jeopardy theme can be heard in the
background.]
CROW: Ummmmmm . . . there were . . . things . . . on the screen?
MIKE: But what KIND of things?!
GYPSY: It was Nicole.
TOM: Quiet, Gypsy! We're trying to think!
[More thinking. The Jeopardy theme plays to the end.]
MIKE: Maybe it was something about one of the Freedom Fighters?
GYPSY: It was Nicole!
TOM: Gypsy, please! [to Mike] But which one?
GYPSY: Nicole!
CROW: Maybe it was Rotor?
TOM: No, I don't think so . . .
MIKE: Hmm . . .
GYPSY: [booming] HEY!
[The others all jump and turn to her.]
MIKE: Oh, uh, what is it, Gy-
GYPSY: [booming] READ MY OUTPUT! IT - WAS - NI - COLE!
MIKE: Oh . . . [suddenly realizing] OH! Of COURSE! [to Cambot]
You're . . . in love with Nicole, aren't you, li'l buddy?
[The scene nods up and down and turns a little red in
embarassment.]
CROW: [mumbling] I thought *I* was his li'l buddy . . .
TOM: Impossible! Improbable! Impractical! Inconceivable! Cambot
doesn't have the programming to "love"! Joel and Dr. Forrester didn't put
it in!
MIKE: [confused] Jo . . . el? Who?
CROW: Maybe he just picked it up along the way, Tom?
[Commerical light starts blinking.]
MIKE: Well, it's gonna have to be a mystery for a little while longer,
guys. We got commercials.
[He hits the light.]
[Commericals: Another Chungalunga verse, same as the first, a
little bit louder, a little bit worse.]
[SOL - Interior. Mike is looking into the nanoscope while Tom and
Crow look through technical manuals. Mike finally looks up.]
MIKE: Well, the nanites can't find anything wrong with him. How about
you guys?
TOM: Nothing. Y'know, you'd think Joel would have kept better
records than this . . .
MIKE: Who?
[MADs light starts blinking.]
MIKE: Hey, that's funny. What's Hansel, Gretel, and the Wicked Witch
doing calling back this early?
[He hits the light.]
[TWM - Interior. The MADs have all woken up. Pearl is shouting
out the window while Bobo and Observer hold video game controllers and
smile evily. Well, Observer smiles evily and Bobo continues to look
stupid as always.]
PEARL: -YOU STUPID FREAK! WHERE'D YOU GET YOUR LISCENSE? S-MART?
FAINT VOICE: [off-screen] Come get some!
PEARL: [to SOL] Can you believe people now-a-days? That idiot tried
to hit me! He almost took the side mirrors off with that stupid chainsaw
of his, too! [suddenly brightens up] Sooooo . . . how are my boys doing
today? Enjoying your foray into the bland and tasteless?
[SOL]
TOM: Take a wild guess, Madame Buttinski.
[TWM]
PEARL: [still cheerful] Ooooo . . . aren't you the most darling
thing? You're lucky I'm in a good mood right now, or I'd go down there
and rip out your gears with my bare hands!
MIKE: [off-screen] Um, if I may be so bold, ma'am . . . why are you
so happy?
OBSERVER: Well, human, the three of us found out about your little
dillema with your robot friend quite a while before you did, and have also
been obvserving your misadventures in the fighting game world, so we
decided to make a little something for your entertainment.
BOBO: Yah! It's called "Freedom Fighter"! [proudly] I named it
myself!
TOM: [off-screen] Don't strain the other brain cell TOO much, Bobe.
You might need it someday.
BOBO: [confused] Um, what did that mean, Lawgiver?
PEARL: [still cheerful(!)] Oh, nothing, just forget it. Show them
the game, brain guy!
OBSERVER: Right away, madame.
[Observer presses the start button on his controller and does the
Observer wiggle with his head at the same time, with accompanying sound
effects.]
[SOL]
MIKE: It's coming up on the hexfield now.
TOM: I wonder wha-
[The hexfield opens to show the title screen of "Freedom Fighter".
It fades into the game. The fighting arena looks like the theater of the
SOL, complete with shillouetes of Mike and the 'bots at the bottom. On
the left is an amazingly detailed, 3-D, polygon rendering of Observer. On
the right is a clunky, hand-drawn, 2-D, sprite of Nicole. As the SOLers
watch in utter horror, Observer begins to slam Nicole around the screen
with super moves and combos that seem to never end. Finally, Nicole falls
to the ground and explodes. Mike and the 'bots continue to stare at the
screen in pure horror, even after it has closed.]
TOM: That . . . was . . . EVIL!
MIKE: Yah, um, *I* don't even know much about fighting games, but I
know that was terribly horribly and completely WRONG! And-
[Suddenly, everything turns red and the screen starts to shake
violently.]
CROW: Hey, what th-?! Oh, no! Look at Cambot, guys!
MIKE: Uh oh! Look, Cambot, calm down, li'l buddy-
CROW: [mumbling] I thought *I* was his li'l buddy . . .
MIKE: -everything's gonna be just fine! It was just a game! They
didn't mean anything by-
[There's a high pitched squealing as the screen shakes even worse
than before. Everything turns almost painfully bright, then suddenly
turns pitch black.]
MIKE: [voice over] You guys okay?
TOM: [vo] I think so. What happened?
[TWM. The MADs are laughing their heads off . . . except for
Bobo.]
BOBO: [mumbling] I can't believe I lost . . . [sniff]
PEARL: [between laughs] Why, it's very simple, Netscape! Your little
'bot overloaded!
OBSERVER: Yes, this is a very amusing turn of events, human. Not only
did our little experiment work to irritate it's fragile computer brain,
but it took out the lights as well!
[SOL?]
CROW: [vo] But doesn't that mean that we won't be able to read the
story?
PEARL: [off-screen?] Don't count on it, bird boy.
CROW: [vo] "Bird boy"?
[The fanfic sign barely illuminates the bridge.]
MIKE: [vo] Well, I guess we'll get to see in a second! WE'VE GOT
FANFIC SIGN!
[A few shady figures run around for a second and exit the bride.
There's the strange sensation of doors opening all around, then the sound
of scuffling feet.]
MIKE: [vo] Ow! Watch those arms!
TOM: [vo] What?
[*smack*]
MIKE: [vo] OW!
CROW: [vo] GAH!
[*crash*]
MIKE: [vo] You okay, Crow?
CROW: [grumbling] No.
> Bunnie: "Ah dunno, shugah. Last thing ah remember, ah was bein'
> hauled 'round by that ol' 'bot lahke a sack o' potatoes!"
ALL: [vo] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
TOM: [vo] Illuminated text?! How evil can Pearl GET?!
> Sally: "Nicole
[The lights suddenly come back on. The cartoon heart throbs on
the screen.]
MIKE: There, you see, Cambot? I TOLD you it was just a game. All
better?
[The screen shakes up and down.]
MIKE: Good.
CROW: Poodletooters. We're going to have to read the rest of it
anyway.
TOM: At least we aren't running all over each other anymore.
CROW: GAH!
[*crash*]
MIKE: [sighing] Oh, boy.
> is picking up the ion trail from Mecha-Sonic's jets.
> It's going back to
TOM: . . . Capistrano.
> the control tower."
> Sonic: "I don't get it, Sal. Why didn't the thing just off us or
> capture all of us when it had the chance?"
CROW: [Sally] Convenient plot hole. Don't knock it.
> Bunnie: "Mebbe it c'n only carry so many of us? Or, heck, it may jus'
> have not wanted t'carry y'all around, Sonic."
> Sonic: [grins] "Yah, I'm dangerous even in my sleep!"
MIKE: Sonic considers himself quite the card.
TOM: Yah, a playing card.
> Sally: "Either way, we can be sure that we'll be heading into
CROW: [Sally] . . . death by waffles!
TOM: WAFFLES!
> a trap
> if we go to the tower."
> Sonic: "Won't be the first time.
MIKE: [Sonic] I LIKE running suicide missions!
> Let's do it to it!"
TOM: Just do it.
> [Sally and Bunnie grab around Sonic. After a short bit of revving
> up, he blasts further into the city.]
MIKE: . . . as Sally and Bunnie are turned into chunky salsa due to
the laws of inertia.
>
> [Scene Change: Inside the control room of the tower. Snively is
> looking down at the only lit panel. Mehca-Sonic
TOM: "Mehca-Sonic"?
MIKE: Maybe he was hechio in Mexico?
CROW: ARRIBA ARRIBA! ANDELE ANDELE!
> flies into the room,
> still carrying the Freedom Fighters.]
> Mecha-Sonic: "Objective completed."
CROW: [Mecha-Sonic] Martha Stewart has been destroyed.
> Snively: [without looking up] "Very good, MS-01. Take them to the
> prison cells . . . the ones without electronic locks.
CROW: Why would any of the Freedom Fighters have electronic locks?
MIKE: I think he's talking about the prison cells.
> We will attend to
> roboticizing them later, if possible.
CROW: Then why is he going to roboticize the prison cells?
MIKE: Um . . .
TOM: [announcer] Remember, kids, clarify your pronouns and
antecedents. This has been a public announcement.
MIKE: The More You Know . . .
> After you have accomplished you
> task, go back out
CROW: [Snively] . . . and find my missing R.
> and keep the hedgehog and his friends busy for just a
> while longer."
> Mecha-Sonic: "Acknowledged."
> [Mecha-Sonic leaves. Snively begins to type slowly on a
> keyboard.]
CROW: [Snivley] Oh, drat. Where's the R key?
>
> [Scene Change: Robotropolis streets. Sonic and Company are
> almost to the control tower when Mecha-Sonic flies over head, shooting at
> them with lasers. Sonic dodges.]
MIKE: Wow. All the action of a Ratliff fight scene.
TOM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
CROW: With fewer of the mispellings, though.
MIKE: Give him time.
> Sonic: [annoyed] "Man, this guy just doesn't give up!"
CROW: I find it hard to believe that while being shot at by a robot
that looks like him, Sonic can only muster up slight annoyance.
> [The barrage of lasers force Sonic to turn back around. He runs
> into a back alley, trying to find another way around.]
> Sally: "I don't think this is going to work, Sonic! We need to get
> rid of Mecha-Sonic before we're going to be able to get to the tower!"
TOM: The folks at home are heartily encouraged to say "duh" out loud
at this point.
> [Sonic stops at the end of the alleyway and lets Sally and Bunnie
> off.]
MIKE: [flight attendant] Thank you for flying Sonic Air. Thank you.
Buh-bye. Buh-bye now. Buh-bye.
> Sonic: "Alright. I'll take down chuckles back there; you two get
CROW: [Sonic] . . . down with your bad selves.
> to
> the tower."
> [Sally nods as she and Bunnie run off.
ALL: [singing] Oh, everybody's Super Sonic Racing, try to keep your
feet right on the ground . . .
> Sonic turns back to face
> Mecha-Sonic, who is flying along the ground, straight at the hedgehog.
TOM: I hate that hedgehog.
MIKE: Me, too.
> Sonic blasts out of the way just before the mecha hits him.]
> Sonic: "Sorry, pal, but I thought we might need some more fightin'
> room!"
MIKE: I hear the Astrodome is lovely this time of year.
> [Sonic launches himself forward in a Sonic Spin. Spikes slide
> out of Mecha-Sonic's back as he, having already turned back around, enters
> a spin of his own.
CROW: I'm . . . gettin' . . . dizzy . . .
> The two clash and hang in midair, grinding against
> each other for a moment, then bounce back. They land a few yards away
> from each other.]
> Sonic: "Ooooh, so you CAN do more than just shoot lasers at me!"
TOM: Yah, like move and see things and talk and stuff. Go figure!
> Mecha-Sonic: "Affirmative. This unit has been programmed and built
> specially with combat against Priority One subject in mind. This unit
> believes that the quaint phrase that organics use is, 'Whatever you can
> do, I can do better.'"
MIKE: The sooner artificial intelligence starts talking, the sooner it
starts talking back.
TOM: Just what's THAT supposed to mean, Nelson?
MIKE: Um, nothing . . .
> [Sonic growls and launches himself forward again as Mecha-Sonic
> does the same.]
TOM: INTENSE! LAUNCHING! ACTION!
>
> [Scene Change: The inside of a ventilation shaft grate. The
> grate crunches outward, then is pulled away to reveal Sally and Bunnie,
> who crawl in.]
CROW: [Sally] OLLEY OLLEY OXEN FR- Hey, where are you guys? You
didn't ditch me again, did you? [sniff]
> Sally: "Alright, we're inside. I hope Sonic can hold off his twin for
> a while longer . . . "
MIKE: Don'tcha hate sibling rivalry?
CROW: [Sonic] That's MY toy car!
TOM: [Mecha-Sonic] MINE!
CROW: MINE!
TOM: MINE!
CROW: MINE!
TOM: MINE!
> Bunnie: "Aw, don't worry 'bout ol' shugah-hog. Ah'm shore he's done
> with that ol' 'bot and has done played at least a hundred games o'
> Solitare by now!"
CROW: [Sally] Oh, did he take his laptop with him?
MIKE: Actually, you can play Solitaire with cards, guys, and . . .
[Mike notices the 'bots looking at him.]
MIKE: Never mind.
> Sally: "I hope you're right, Bunnie."
> [They continue to crawl through the vents.]
>
TOM: Did that scene serve a purpose?
MIKE: Filler.
TOM: Ah.
> [Scene Change: Robotropolis street. Two blue blurs bounce
> around, into walls and into each other. After a few seconds, they drop
> to the ground and become Sonic and Mecha-Sonic. Sonic guestures
[Mike and the 'bots start coughing loudly.]
> for a
> "time out".]
ALL: Oh.
> Sonic: "TIME OUT! WHOA!"
> [Close up: Mecha-Sonic cocks his head,
TOM: [Borg] Time outs are irrelevant. Resistance is futile.
> then back to Sonic.]
> Sonic: "This ain't gettin' us anywhere, bolts. How 'bout we try
> something else?"
CROW: Let's MAMBO!
> Mecha-Sonic: "This unit is capable of several attack styles. What do
> you suggest?"
MIKE: [Sonic] You giving up.
> Sonic: [grins] "A race. First one to circle the control tower and
> get back to the edge of the city wins. If you win, I leave the city
> without a fight. If I win . . . well, we just go back to fightin' and I
MIKE: [singing] . . . fill your head with cannonballs and powder your
behind!
CROW: [singing] And when I touch the powder off, the mecha'll lose
it's MIND!
TOM: Did I miss something here?
> kick your scrap metal head in. Deal?"
> Mecha-Sonic: "Considering . . .
CROW: [Mecha-Sonic] Diet Dr. Pepper really DOES taste more like
regular Dr. Pepper!
> . . . done. Proposal is acceptable.
TOM: [Mecha-Sonic] I WILL marry you!
> Suggested starting point?"
> [Sonic draws a line in the dirt with his toe. The two Sonics toe
> up to the line.]
MIKE: Does that mean Sonic toed up to the line twice?
TOM: Three times, actually . . . I think.
> Sonic: "Oh, and one more thing. No boosters, no jets, no nuthin'.
> Just our feet and the ground, got it?"
CROW: [Mecha-Sonic] Understood. Resetting "nuthin" modules.
> Mecha-Sonic: "Affirmative. Addendum: No Power Rings."
> Sonic: "Right. Ready, set, GO!"
ALL: [singing] Oh, everybody's Super Sonic Racing . . .
MIKE: Didn't we sing this already?
TOM: Who cares?
> [The two speed off screen. Close up: Sonic, looking smug.]
ALL: [singing] When you're Super Sonic Racing, there's not time to
look around!
> Sonic: [talking to himself] "Sucker."
CROW: Lollipop.
> [Camera pulls back to show Mecha-Sonic pacing him. Sonic looks
> over and jumps in suprise.]
> Sonic: "How-?!"
MIKE: [Sonic] . . . do they cram all that grahm?
> Mecha-Sonic: "This unit has been supplied with a reconfigured speed
> system, similar to the cheetah robot unit you raced previously."
CROW: The what?
TOM: The cheetah-bot that Sonic raced in one of the earlier episo-
CROW: Fanbot test!
TOM: D'oh!
> Sonic: [frowning] "Oh. Well, looks like Snively learned some new
> tricks . . . but he probably didn't teach you THIS one!"
MIKE: [Bullwinkle] Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!
> [Sonic rares back a fist and backhands Mecha-Sonic in the face.
> The mecha falls back, rolling head over heels in the dirt.]
> Sonic: "Stupid 'bots. All moving parts and no thinking ones."
BOTS: HEY!
> [Sonic speeds ahead to the control tower.]
>
> [Scene Change: Snively standing over his control panel, typing
> away furiously.
MIKE: Lightning struck!
TOM: A shot rang out!
CROW: A maid screamed!
> Only his back can be seen. Sally slips lightly from a
> vent in the ceiling. When Bunnie slides out, her metal feet clank on the
> floor, getting Snively's attention. The human turns around and leans back
> on the panel. His eyes are wide, and he's breathing heavily.
ALL: GAH!
CROW: You may want to switch to decaf, Sniv.
TOM: Yah, you may want to go get some . . . SLEEEEEEP!
> He points
> his finger at the Mobians.]
CROW: [Snively] I want YOU for the US Army!
> Snively: [frantically] "You're too late, Princess! You can't stop me
> now!"
TOM: [Darth Vader] I have already frozen Han Solo and he's on his
way to Jabba the Hut right now!
MIKE: Wrong Princess.
TOM: Oh, yah.
> Sonic's voice: "No, but I betcha *I* can!"
TOM: Especially since you did such a great job taking Mecha-Sonic
down quickly and efficiently and all.
> [Sonic speeds in through the door and stands besides the others.]
> Sally: "What are you doing, Snively?"
CROW: [Snively] Juggling and eating ice cream at the same time.
Don't break my concentration!
> Snively: [grins evilly] "You're about to see! You're ALL about to
> see!"
MIKE: [Sonic] Well, *I* can see just fine right now . . . nothing
wrong with MY eyes. How about you guys?
BOTS: [Bunnie & Sally] Yup.
> [Snively turns back to the panel and types one more command.
TOM: FDISK C:
MIKE: DEL *.*
CROW: CD PICS\NUDIES
[Mike and Tom stare at Crow.]
CROW: What?
> The
> panel lights up fully, then so do the ones next to it. Reaction shots of
> Snively (triumphant)
ALL: Ooooo . . .
> and the Freedom Fighters (worried and awed)
ALL: Aaaah . . .
> as all
> of the lights and computers come on in the room.
MIKE: Can lights and computer really have reaction shots?
TOM: They're people, too, Nelson!
> Scene Change: Through
> the window. All the lights of Robotropolis begin to come to life and
> smoke begins to pour from the factory smokestacks. Snively presses a
> communicator on his wrist.]
CROW: [Snively] WHERE'S MY PIZZA?!
> Snively: "SWATbots to control room! [hits the communicator again]
> Computer! Activate ALL control room defensive weaponry! Target Mobian
> lifeforms!"
TOM: But . . . isn't Snively a Mobian?
MIKE: No, he's a human.
CROW: No, he's an Overlander.
TOM: Fanbot test!
CROW: Hey!
MIKE: It's fair, Crow . . . you did it to him first.
CROW: Poodletooters.
> [Guns of all description slide from the walls, ceiling, and floor,
> then aim themselves at the Freedom Fighters.]
MIKE: Snively is a proud member of the NRA.
> Bunnie: "Oh mah stars . . . "
CROW: [Bunnie] . . . and garters!
MIKE: That had better have been an X-Men reference . . .
CROW: Um, SURE, Mike! Sure . . .
> [Five SWATbots file into the control room and ready their arm
> lasers and rifles.]
TOM: They have arm rifles? Cool!
> Snively: "As you can see, I have the home advantage. I wouldn't
> suggest any of you, especially you, hedgehog, would try to move right now.
> The lasers will cut you down before you take your first step towards me!"
> [Sally reaches for Nicole.]
[The cartoon heart appears again.]
ALL: Awwww . . .
MIKE: Ain't love grand?
> Snively: "Aht!
[The 'bots open their mouths, but Mike interrupts them.]
MIKE: I . . . think we just better hope that was a mispelling, guys.
> Ah! Activation of any computer system within these
> walls will get the same response, I'm afraid."
> [Sally pulls her hand away from her computer.]
> Sonic: "What're you trying to pull here, Sniv?"
> Snively: "'Pull', hedgehog?
TOM: Who would want to pull a hedgehog?
> 'TRYING'?! I'm afraid you don't
> understand! I've already DONE it!
CROW: [Snively] *I* created Crystal Pepsi! And New Coke, too! And
the world shall TREMBLE before my might! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
> When the doctor died in the
> explosion of his Doomsday Device, all of his systems shut down, see,
MIKE: Wow. Snively is actually a gangster.
CROW: I always thought he'd look good in a pinstripe suit.
> but I was able to rewire this panel and was in the process of
MIKE: Uh oh. Exposition time, guys.
> jumpstarting all of the other computer systems when you Freedom Fighters
CROW: Yah, I'm bored of riffing expositions. It just gets tedious.
> poked your noses in! [begins to pace] I had been working constantly for
TOM: So, what do you want to do in the meantime.
> a week, and didn't want to have to start over from scratch, you
CROW: I dunno. We'll think of something, I'm sure.
> understand, so I sent Mecha-Sonic to keep you all busy until I finished
MIKE: Hey, looks like our time is about up, guys.
CROW: Nerfburgers.
> my work, which he did quite well, I might add."
CROW: [Snively] Or I might subtract. It depends on how I feel that
day.
> [Mecha-Sonic blasts in through the door and lands beside Snively.]
> Bunnie: "Speak o' th'devil."
TOM: Well, he's got pointy little horns, a long pointed tail, a
pitchfork, and-
> Sonic: "Ya got THAT right."
> [Snively grins and begins to pet his creation.]
ALL: GAH!
TOM: I'm not seeing this! I'm not seeing this!
CROW: Jeez, where did THAT come from?!
MIKE: Obssess much, Snively?
> Snively: "He is the closest to perfection in robotics that can be
> achieved with the technology level available to date. Since he was not
> hooked up to the Robotropolis computer net, he was the only 'bot not
> effected by the shutdown."
> Sally: [angrily] "Enough with your exposition, Snively.
TOM: The voice of reason!
> Why are you
> doing this? Hasn't your uncle put the planet and its people through
> enough?"
> Snively: [furiously, shouting] "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY UNCLE!
ALL: GAH!
CROW: What is up with him?
TOM: He has some SERIOUS issues to work out . . .
MIKE: [psychiatrist] Zo, Znively, vhen did Elvis ztart talking to
yoo?
> I am
> NOT like him!
CROW: [Snively] I am NOT overweight, completely bald, tall, and
partially a robot! Oh, and my hair is GRAY, not ORANGE, thank you very
much.
> I don't want to rule the world . . . I hardly care for
> much outside of Robotropolis!"
CROW: [Snively] Except the topless bars, of course!
MIKE: Crow . . .
TOM: And he was actually holding off pretty well this time around,
too.
> Sally: "Then what DO you want?!"
CROW: [Snively] Fig Newtons!
> Snively: "I want you to suffer! Suffer for all the humiliations you
> and the other Freedom Fighters put me through! You think I'm bald because
> baldness runs in the family?
MIKE: Yes!
> No!
MIKE: Oh.
> It's because of all the stress that
> you idiots have given me!
CROW: [Snively] And all that anti-freeze diluted wine I drink.
> My stomach already has at least ten ulcers,
> and I swear I'm getting shorter with every passing month!
TOM: So that would make hiiiim . . . about one foot tall now?
MIKE: Just about.
> You and your
> kind have humiliated me at every turn, especially YOU [points at Sonic],
> you dratted rodent!"
> Sonic: [shrugging] "Oh, c'mon! It wasn't all THAT bad . . . "
TOM: [Sonic] Well, except for that time I ordered fifty pizzas
delivered to your house, then had the pizza guy's car towed. Now THAT'S
comedy!
> Snively: [tugging at his few remaining hairs] "YOU TIED ME TO A CHAIR
> ONCE!"
CROW: Kinky.
> [Sonic winces and grins desperately with another shrug.]
> Sonic: "Oh . . . yah, uh . . . that . . . "
> Snively: "So, from now on, I'm dedicating my life to making all of you
> suffer in any way I can figure out. My first action in that vein is to
> expell all of you from Robotropolis, meaning-"
CROW: [Snively] Free tacos for everyone!
> Sally: [interrupting, disheartened] "Meaning that I cannot reclaim
> the throne . . ."
> Snively: "EXACTLY. But, to make you all suffer properly, I can't have
> you dead or roboticized. Meaning you and your three friends that are
> being held in the prison cells are free to go."
MIKE: Hey, waitaminute. This is starting to sound familiar . . . a
geeky scientist type is keeping a small group of people from returning to
their home and torturing them in various ways just because he doesn't like
them. Does this ring any bells with you guys?
CROW: Nope.
TOM: Me neither, Nelson. I think you're just making stuff up again.
MIKE: Okaaaaaaaay . . .
> Sonic: [jabbing a finger in Snively's direction defiantly] "If you
> think that's it, you little-"
MIKE: [Sonic] . . . so and so blankity blank!
> [Snively fixes Sonic with a steely glare, making the hedgehog
> trail off.]
TOM: SLEEEEP!
> Snively: "GET. OUT."
BOTS: YAY!
MIKE: He wasn't talking to us, guys.
BOTS: Awww . . .
> [Sonic, Sally, and Bunnie slowly walk out the door. Black out.]
TOM: SLEEEEP!
MIKE: I think you just used up your quota.
TOM: D'oh!
>
> [Scene Change: Around the campfire in Knothole. All the core
> Freedom Fighters are sitting on the logs except for Sally, who walks up
> and sits next to Sonic.]
CROW: So . . . then . . . they ARE all sitting on logs around the
fire, then.
> Sally: [dejectedly] "No luck. I just checked, and Snively has
> already changed all of the satellite codes. We can't pirate his
> broadcasts anymore."
MIKE: [soft announcer voice] This is channel IM.RU? . . .
TOM: And that was YOUR quota for obscure riffs, Nelson.
MIKE: D'oh!
> Rotor: "It'll probaby take about three months to crack the codes."
CROW: [Rotor] Give or take a year.
> Bunnie: "So what do y'all think we should do 'till then?"
> Antoine: "I am knoweng about ze rest of vous, but I am do-eng ze
> planneng to be hideng under ze bed!"
MIKE: So, Antoine is planning on talking incomprehensibly, I see.
TOM: He's going to keep going like normal, then?
> Bunnie: "Besides that, Ant'."
> [Sally massages the bridge of her nose with a thumb and
> forefinger.]
CROW: [Sally] My head hurts. I need something little. Yellow.
Different.
> Sally: "All we can do is start out from scratch. Crack Snively's
> codes, do surveillence and learn his schedules, make hacking runs on the
> computer net, find-"
MIKE: [Sally] . . . more alt.startrek.creative posts . . .
BOTS: NO!
> Sonic: [shouting, angry] "NO!"
TOM: See, Sonic agrees with US.
MIKE: It was just a joke, guys!
CROW: Some things you just don't joke about, Mike.
> [Sonic stand up and kicks some brush in the fire.]
> Sonic: "What yer saying is, we've gotta start all over again? Ten
> years down the drain? Just like that?! I don't believe it! I CAN'T
> believe it!"
MIKE: [Soinc] I can't believe it's not butter!
> Bunnie: "Shugah-hog, ya need to calm down . . . we'all have jus' had
> a bad day is all . . . "
TOM: [sarcastically] Oh, sure, you've just had your heads handed to
you by Mecha-Sonic, been locked out of Robotropolis again, lost ground to
a weak little second rate villain, and have to start your whole war over
from the beginning again is all! How could that POSSIBLY count as a bad
day?!
MIKE: [motherly] Don't worry, dear, it's almost over . . .
> Sonic: "Don't 'sugar-hog' me! I'm not gonna let that little rat
MIKE: Human!
TOM: Rat!
MIKE: Human!
TOM: Rat!
MIKE: HUMAN!
TOM: RAT!
CROW: Chimpanzee.
[Mike and Tom think for a second.]
MIKE: Okay. I can deal with that.
TOM: Yah, it really fit this time. Good answer, Crow!
CROW: Thanks.
> do
> this to us! I'm goin' after him again. Tonight. Follow me if you want
> to
CROW: [superhero] . . . live.
> help . . . but I doubt I'll need it."
> [Sonic speeds off. Sally stands up and moves to stop him a second
> too late.]
> Sally: "SONIC! Oh, for . . . [sighs] He's never going to learn, is
> he?"
MIKE: It took you three seasons to finally realize that?
> Antoine: [snorts] "Soneec larneng zometheng? Zat will be ze world
> endeng, n'est pas?"
TOM: No, the world ending will be when you finally spit out a
comprehensible sentence.
> Tails: "Aunt Sally?"
> Sally: [sighs] "Yes, Tails?"
> Tails: "I'm scared."
CROW: Us, too.
> [Sally looks at Tails sadly, sits beside him, and hugs him.]
ALL: Aww . . .
> Sally: "For the first time in a long while, Tails . . . [looks up at
> the sky] . . . I am, too."
>
> [Black Out. Roll Credits.]
MIKE: Is that it?
CROW: We can go?
TOM: Well? IS IT?!
>
> END EPISODE 1
>
ALL: YAY!
TOM: Let's get the hoo-hah outta here before Pearl decides to show us
an epilouge or something . . .
MIKE: Agreed.
[Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[SOL - Interior. Mike and Tom are playing a video game while Crow
stands a little apart, reading an instruction booklet. Much like the
first scene, really, with Crow and Mike reversed. Tom is still flailing
his arms at his controller while Mike presses the buttons and pad on his
with graceful ease.]
TOM: HOO! HAH! WAH! YAH!
CROW: [looking up] Oh, hello, everyone. I'm Crow T. Robot and
welcome to the Satellite of Lo-
MIKE: [interrupting] I already did that.
CROW: Oh. Right. Anyway, I'm taking a time out from playing our
fighting game until I read the instructions a little more. Mike,
meanwhile, has challenged Tom to a duel!
TOM: WAH! YAY! WHOO! YAH!
[Victory music starts playing. Tom leans back, breathing heavily,
while Mike sets his controller down. He looks very happy.]
MIKE: Good game, Tom. You almost had me there.
TOM: But *wheeze* how did you *huff* beat ME?! I though you *cough*
couldn't play *hack* these things?
MIKE: Oh, well, it wasn't too hard, really. I found this really neat
thing called the "option menu", and then went in and remapped all the
buttons on my controller to something more logical.
[The 'bots stare at him in shock and awe.]
CROW: Wow, Mike! That was really sneaky of you!
TOM: I take back everything I said before, Mike. Crow, we are in the
presence of a MASTER!
MIKE: [abashedly] Well, thanks, guys . . . it wasn't anything, really
. . . what do you think, ma'am?
[TWM - Interior. Observer and Bobo are still playing their
fighting game. Pearl is obviously furious.]
PEARL: I think you lucky THIS time, Nerdstone! You and your little
toaster wannabes made it through this little chore of blandness, but I
know for a fact that the SS3 scriptor isn't done YET! I have inside
information that says he's going to be writing-
[SOL]
MIKE: Oh, boy.
TOM: Miiiiiike, she's threating us again!
CROW: But, it just can't be!
[TWM]
PEARL: That's right! Sonic: Season Three - Living in Captivity! It's
EPISODE TWO! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- [looks at the others] You laugh too.
[Ovserver and Bobo look up.]
OBSERVER: Oh, um, right away, madam.
BOBO: Whatever you say, Lawgiver!
ALL: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
[FWOOSH!]
[The laughter continues as a voice over.]
OBSERVER: [vo] You filthy primate! Stop using the cheat codes!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The MST3K crew and all related people/objects are copyrighted by Best
Brains, Inc. and whoever they happen to be working with at the time you're
reading this.
Sonic the Hedgehog and all realted people/objects are copyrighted by SEGA!
Enterprises, DiC Productions, Archie Comic Publishers, Fleetway Comic
Publishers, the Taki Corporation, and whoever else wants to pull a
hedgehog.
Many thanks go out to Nintendo, Paramount Studios, The Highlander, Cool
Whip, Chris Rock, Monica Lewinsky, Florida, Matt Groeing, God, Santa, Stan
Lee, Garth Brooks, Lt. Ellen Ripley, Crook and Chase, Siskel and Ebert,
Ronald Reagan, Bruce Campbell, Sam Raimi, Renaissance Pictures, The Addams
Family, The FOX Network, The Animaniacs, Wyoming, Germany, Africa, Wayne
and Garth, The X-Files, EEEEEvil Masterpiece Theatre, Monty Python, The
Terminator, Elvis, Hanson, Bill Gates, David Gonterman, Visine,
Butterfinger, Star Trek, Jeopardy, Sharpie, The Brothers Grimm, S-Mart
(yes, there actually IS such a place), Capistrano (this one I'm not so
sure about), waffles, Nike, Stephan Ratliff (sp?), Sonic R, Traveller's
Tales, The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, the Astrodome, solitaire, the
Borg, the Mambo, Jimmy Horton, Diet Dr. Pepper and regular Dr. Pepper,
Golden Grahms, Rocky and Bullwinkle, Snoopy, decaffinated coffee, the US
Army, Star Wars, the X-Men, Crystal Pepsi and New Coke, Fig Newtons,
Nuprin, alt.startrek.creative, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, and the
French for being so non-understanding. Please don't sue!
Special thanks goes out to the creators of Super Death Match Battle Arena
Street Killer Fighter Alpha Number Seven Evil Shadow Destroyers, the
creators of Fighting Game, the makers of CHUNGALUNGA!, and anyone else
who's weird enough to actually come up with names for products so close to
these that they're barely parodies.
Many super special thanks to Kulock Lightmoogle! Visit him at
http://www.iwaynet.net/~moogle while you still can!
And double super special thanks to you, my readers.
Roland Lowery (aka Roland Lowery (aka Roland Lowery (aka
Jim Doe)))
> [Scene Change: Robotropolis streets. Sonic and Company are
> almost to the control tower when Mecha-Sonic flies over head, shooting at
> them with lasers. Sonic dodges.]
(
geocities.com/timessquare/dungeon/Dungeon) (
geocities.com/timessquare/dungeon) (
geocities.com/timessquare)