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The Lacticians Guild was formed as a response to Battle.net's increasing population of PlayerKillers (PK) and TownKillers (TK). We consider those who engage in these activities to constitute Tristram's criminal element, and we have formed a dedicated vigilante force to fight them. We do not condemn cheating provided the player who uses the cheats does so to help others rather than hurt them. There are few players more pathetic than those who boost their stats to incredible, superhuman levels simply to prey on those newbies who are just getting on their feet. There is no excuse for this behavior, no rationale. And no mercy when a member of the Lacticians Guild finds one of these poor fools in a game situation. They'll soon find themselves missing one ear, half their gold and all their pride.

We are not bounty hunters, as we do not accept payment for these kills. Think of us as the kindly cops on the beat. We enjoy helping new players, and will do so at every turn. No member of the Lacticians Guild will ever attack another player without due provocation, and we will not settle the score any player may have with another. Settle your own scores. We understand that one player's tale of pkilling woe may be another player's story of a victorious duel. We trust no one. Trust must be earned. And when trust is betrayed, it's a fireball up the old wazoo for the player foolish enough to toy with us.

This message is not a challenge. We do not go looking for trouble. But we do not shy away from annihilating those who bring trouble our way. The only way for the Battle.net to survive is for those players with integrity, honesty and a sense of fair play to band together and make life very, very difficult for those who would destroy our fun for their own sad pleasure. It's time the good guys took control, and we hope to be part of the solution.

So there.

• Soth - Warrior
Soth came to Tristram with a band of circus performers. His specialty was sword swallowing, but he was technically employed as 'Skipper the Dog-Faced Boy'. Fired after the circus master found Soth humping his wife's leg, he took up with Farnham for nights of hard drinking, tall tales, and more sword swallowing. Conveniently out of town when the Archbishop Lazarus led his ill-fated expedition into the dungeon, Soth returned, vowing to storm the Butcher's room... and open a deli. Currently Soth lives northwest of town, where he daily tries to convince Adria the witch to learn the fine art of sword swallowing.
• Salron - Warrior
Notorious in Tristram for his extensive collection of women's clothing (his 'Underwear Through the Ages' exhibition was a smash hit with the town's intellectual elite... and transvestites), Salron is famous for accessorizing his plate armor with colorful scarves and feathered boas. Having perfected his limp-wristed style of swordplay (a double entendre if there ever was!), Salron became one of the most feared fighters in the land. It's a wise man who doesn't turn his back on Salron.
• LordNambla - Warrior
LordNambla toiled as a teacher in Tristram's lone schoolhouse until hostile rumors drove him from his job. Exiled to the edge of town, LordNambla took up with Wirt the Peg-Legged Boy, where they share what they like to call 'a progressive relationship'. LordNambla is rarely seen in town, with residents only catching sight of him as he kneels by the river to wash Wirt's wooden leg each morning.
• RavenDaneel - Warrior
Tristram's lone banker, RavenDaneel owns the mortgage on every piece of property left standing in town. While negotiating to buy the town cemetary, an uproar was caused when his plans to turn it into an amusement park came to light. Featuring such attractions as 'Tombstone Ring Toss', 'Pin the Tail on the Corpsey' and 'I Always Wanted Grandma's Diamond Ring' shovel rental, residents convinced RavenDaneel (with an assortment of farm implements and household utensils) that perhaps the time for 'Grislyland' had yet to come. RavenDaneel has set up camp behind the church, the better to keep an eye on his investment property... and continue to dig for that damn diamond ring.
• SkullSmasher - Warrior
SkullSmasher: the name alone causes fear in Tristram... with the town's gopher population. Employed as the school janitor, SkullSmasher perfected the skills of hunting rodents and cleaning up after sick children. An inventor in his spare time, SkullSmasher ('Skull' to friends, 'Stinky' to everyone else) has been working on a long tube with which one can run water from a well down into a gopher's hole, and a form of sawdust capable of sopping up even the biggest puddle of... whatever. He claims that one day these inventions will be heralded by school janitors across the land, making their jobs easier, yet without sacrificing that sadistic edge so necessary to the trade.
• Flinch - Warrior
An accountant, Flinch is known for his large spectacles which are bound together at the nose bridge with twine and spit. Forced out of a job when town banker RavenDaneel was exiled to his shanty behind the church, Flinch decided to realize his lifelong dream to become a powerful warrior. His dream was realized with the help of a powerful mage, who cast a spell giving Flinch astronomical amounts of life and mana. In return Flinch set the mage up with an IRA account and was able to get him a 2,500 gold piece tax refund the following year. Despite his great power, Flinch is still frustrated by the lack of respect afforded him by the residents of Tristram... respect that will escape him as long as he continues to wear a pocket protector with his suit of armor.
• Nomil - Warrior
Nomil was orphaned as an infant when the cart carrying his family was attacked just outside of town by a roving band of mimes. Walking against a fierce wind, the mimes trapped his parents inside an invisible box while they stole their belongings. Unfortunately the mimes left without releasing Nomil's parents from the hellish trap, and they starved to death. Luckily for Nomil, a pack of gerbils came upon the scene, adopting and raising him as one of their own. Everything went fine (except for the time Nomil inhaled his gerbil mother while suckling at her teat), and he grew to be a fine, upstanding citizen of Tristram. And he has never forgotten the debt he owes his gerbil family, providing them with a warm, comfortable home in his ass.
• LordAlexander - Warrior
LordAlexander came to Tristram with the intention of landing the prestigious post of 'Village Idiot'. To his great disappointment he was turned down for the post when town elders deemed him too clever after grading his 'V.I.A.T.' ('Village Idiot Aptitude Test'). Coming from a long line of village idiots, LordAlexander was unable to return home to face his family in disgrace. He was even ashamed that he knew what the word 'disgrace' meant. So he wanders town, unable to convince residents that he is true idiot material. He salivates when he should drool. He flatulates when he should fart. And he postulates when he should ramble incoherently. He did enjoy a minor victory when, rather than Village Idiot, the townspeople thought him stupid enough to elect mayor.
• MeatGazer - Rogue
A burly, rough-and-tumble type of gal, MeatGazer lives with Gillian the barmaid and her grandmother. There are dark rumors floating around Tristram about nightly games of 'Hide the Mace', not helped by MeatGazer's affection for studded leather armor. MeatGazer is the only person still living who has seen Diablo, claiming to have dated him in high school. She even displays a woodcut of them on their prom night, she in a plate mail evening gown with chain mail bustle, and the Lord of Terror decked out in a pink velvet tuxedo. This is thought to explain her current... preferences.
• LipShtick_Liz - Rogue
LipShtick_Liz runs Tristram's lone brothel, which operates out of the back room of Pepin's apothecary shop. Since the disappearance of King Leoric - her most favored customer - Liz has found business to be on the wane. It seems Pepin, Cain and Ogden have no interest in her services, Farnham is too drunk to perform (no matter how many resurrect scrolls are used on his private areas), and Griswold refuses to shave his back (Liz's pet peeve - that along with the blacksmith's insistence on singing the Smithy's Union theme song 'Thrust Your Mighty Sword, Boys!' at the top of his lungs during his 'business'). It's even been rumored that Liz has been seen sneaking down to the third level of the dungeon to visit her former lover Leoric for a little bone work late at night.
• Ribbed4Pleasure - Mage
Proprieter of Tristram's corner drugstore ('Ye Olde 7-11'), Ribbed4Pleasure quickly went out of business as the town has no street corners. He then opened a shop selling 'marital novelties'. This business venture was also short-lived, as his only customers proved to be LordNambla and Wirt the Peg-Legged Boy. Ribbed4Pleasure used his considerable spare time studying to become a mage, achieving a success that he never enjoyed in the arcane arts of retail merchandising. He now tries to invent new spells to suppliment his old, but to date has yet to get 'Codpiece of Doom' or 'Sphincter Wave' to work with any reliability.
• GreyBeard - Mage
The only resident of Tristram more long-winded than Cain the Elder. GreyBeard claims to have seen the future, in which a skinny man wearing spectacles and a pocket protector will rule the land. Flinch was briefly encouraged, thinking this vision to be about him, until GreyBeard revealed the name of the conquerer - Lord Gates of Seattle. GreyBeard insists that Lord Gates will one day rule the world by controlling the flow of information, reducing the population to a race of lazy, fat-bottomed pretenders who would rather play at being warriors, wizards and rogues than actually living their lives. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Unofficial History of Tristram

 

Cheater Hall of Shame

Tips and Strategies

Please report any misconduct or problems with a guild member to the addresses below, we strongly want the guild name to stay unblemished. As unblemished as possible after those character profiles, that is.

Email Addresses

Alexander Aaron

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Last Updated: 04/26/00
Copyright © Alex Aaron, 1976-2000