Signature Collection


This is my collection of witticisms that I have saved from various email messages over the years. I claim no copyright over them, so if the original author wishes me to remove a saying, I will gladly do so. Read through and enjoy. Alex


Think! It's not illegal yet.

There are times, sir, when men of good conscience cannot blindly follow orders. - Jean-Luc Picard

"I carry my adornments on my soul.
I do not dress up like a popinjay;
But inwardly, I keep my daintiness.
I do not bear with me, by any chance,
An insult not yet washed away -- a conscience
Yellow with unpurged bile -- an honor frayed
To rags, a set of scruples badly worn.
I go caparisoned in gems unseen,
Trailing white plumes of freedom, garlanded
With my good name -- no figure of a man,
But a soul clothed in shining armor, hung
With deeds for decorations, twirling -- thus --
A bristling wit, and swinging at my side
Courage, and on the stones of this old town
Making the sharp truth ring, like golden spurs!
-- Cyrano de Bergerac (Rostand)

"The church is near, but the roads are icy...... the tavern is far, but I will walk carefully." - a Ukrainian proverb

"Called my lawyer the other day and 'Can I ask you a coupla questions?' 'What's the second question?'" -Henny Youngman

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." -Bill Gates, 1981

Wine is proof that God loves us and wants to see us happy. - B. Franklin
The same is true for BEER! - Me

Oxymoron: Draft beer in bottles.
Pleonasm: Draft beer on tap.

"Theasaurus - Dinosaur with a good vocabulary"

Always remember.. where ever you go, there you are. <Buckaroo Banzai>

"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away." Tom Waits

If idiots could fly, the White House would be an airport.

Sometimes I wake up grouchy, sometimes I let her sleep.

"There are very few personal problems which cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives." -- Anon.

"What did one yeastie say to the other yeastie?"----"Hey Bud"

"Strategic withdrawal. It's running away, but with dignity." -- Tarrant

Have you heard about the new car on the market?
It's called the "Noriega," and it comes in 2 styles: Manuel, and Semi-automatic.
Also, it runs on cocaine: when it goes down the road, all the white lines disappear!

I haven't had sex in so long, I forget who get's tied up. (bumper sticker)

"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!
...I don't want to talk to you no more, so go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!" --M.Python

"Think as men/women of action, act as men/women of thought.

"To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks."

- -- We didn't inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrowed it from our descendants.

Life is a Virgin. If it were a Bitch it would be easy.

"Drain the cup while the ale is bright brief truce to remorse and sorrow!
I drink the health of my friend tonight- I may cut his throat tomorrow!" -robert e. howard

"God save you from a bad neighbor and from a beginner on the fiddle." -- Italian proverb

Selling software is like prostitution; you've got it, you sell it, you've still got it! -D. Lambert (IST)

"With one tuckus, you can't dance at two weddings." -- Yiddish proverb

Peace Through Superior Swordplay.

Is life an illusion? Or does it just seem that way?

Life is the ONE game you can NEVER win!!!

"The present would be full of all possible futures, if the past had not already projected a pattern upon it" - Andre' Gide

It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.

"Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, did you enjoy the play?"

"Blessed is the mother who gives birth to a brewer" -- Inscription on the wall of a famous Czechoslovakia tavern.

Don't try to have the last word, you might get it. - Lazarus Long

Benny's Bait Shop and Sushi Bar - "Today's Bait is Tomorrow's Plate!"

If it's good for ancient Druids, runnin' nekkid through the wuids, Drinkin' strange fermented fluids, it's good enough for me! 8-)

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors --and miss! - Lazarus Long

When cows laugh does milk come out their nose?

"Reality is for those who can't stand homebrew."

"In heaven they have no beer, that's why we drink it here..."

"In de hemel is geen bier, daarom drinken wij het hier..."

Fill with mingled cream and amber,/ I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious visions clamber/ through the chamber of my brain--
Quaintest thoughts--queerest fancies/ come to life and fade away;
What care I how time advances: I am drinking ale today. Poe

Out of life comes death and out of death life, out of the young the old,
and out of the old the young, out of waking sleep and out of sleep waking,
the stream of creation and dissolution never stops. - Heraclitus

"He that will an ale-house keep must have these things in store:

a cham-ber and a feather-bed, a chim-ney and a Hey, no-ney no-ney Hey no-ney no-ney, hey no-ney-no!
Hey no-ney-no, hey no-ney-no!." --Thomas Ravenscroft

For every wound, a balm
For every sorrow, cheer
For every storm, a calm
For every thirst, a beer ----Kwoted in Geo. Herriman's "Krazy Kat" komic strip, 1918

There are many ways of getting down a pit--- the easiest, of course, being to simply jump.
This practice is to be discouraged, however, because the jumper might injure someone below... -Roy Davis

"If we aren't supposed to play with words, then why do we have so many?"

I thought I was wrong once. But, I was mistaken.

"I like children.....they bounce!"

Everyone needs something to believe in. I believe I'll have another homebrew!

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

May your Armadillo never have a hangover,

"If Abe Lincoln were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave" -- Gerald Ford

Beer is my business and I'm late for work.

"A good word is an easy obligation, but not to speak ill, requires only our silence, which costs us nothing." Tillotson

assume that you are moderate in everything. you now have an excess of moderation, a contradiction. excessiveness is clearly the way to go...

"Self-knowledge is always bad news." -- John Barth

There are two types of people in this world: those who put everything into two different categories and those who don't.

Yes, but this one goes to 11...

"There are thoughts always abroad in the air which it takes more wit to avoid than to hit upon." -O W Holmes

Jake had a dream. It was his, the only real one he'd ever had, and he clung to it.

Seems like the more I think I know The more I find I don't Every answer opens up so many questions

"The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it - O. Wilde"

"I...take my hangovers as a consequence, not as a punishment" -Steinbeck

"You have to kill a pessimist. Optimists usually take care of themselves."

"So much time, and so little to do" -Willy Wonka

"Homebrew makes you smarter by weeding out the weak brain cells."

"Better thin beer than an empty jug" - Danish Proverb

"Goldilocks is about property rights. Little Red Riding Hood is a tale of seduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism." -Bernard J. Hibbits

"So round, so firm, so fully packed, So free and easy on the draw." Pall Mall Cig. Advert

"There are no bad brews. However, some are better than others."

"You wouldn't know a good time if it stripped naked, hopped on your face, and started wiggling!" -- C. Stanley

What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals.

"If all else fails, read the directions. If the directions don't help, ask an expert. If the expert can't help you, then you weren't so dumb after all."

One must be drunk always ... If you would not feel the horrible burden of Time that breaks your shoulders and bows you to the earth, you must intoxicate yourself unceasingly. But with what? With wine, poetry, or with virtue, your choice. But intoxicate yourself! -- Charles Baudelaire

"He who would trade a little bit of freedom for safety shall have neither." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Fermentation may have been a greater discovery than fire." --David Rains Wallace

"All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost, the old that is strong does not wither, and deep roots are not touched by the frost." J.R.R.T.

" It's a nitwit idea. Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. The rest of the time you go by the Book, which is a collection of nitwit ideas that worked at least once." from "The Mote in God's Eye" , Niven and Pournelle

I'm learnin'. When I stop, bury me.

"I have enjoyed great health at a great age because every day since I can remember I have consumed a bottle of wine except when I have not felt well. Then I have consumed two bottles." -- A Bishop of Seville

We are young, wandering the face of the earth, Wondering what are dreams might be worth, Learning that we're only immortal for a limited time. - Rush

Remember, UNIX is homophonous with the plural of eunuch

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty, if your cup is full may it be again

Disclaimer: I may be ignorant and/or apathetic. But I don't know and I don't care.

Herbivores ate well cause their food didn't never run. -- Jonathan Fishman

THE SIXTH AMENDMENT states that if you are accused of a crime, you have the right to a trial before a jury of people too stupid to get out of jury duty. -Dave Barry-

Good, better best, Never let it rest, Till your good is better, And your better's best.

"Out on the Mira the people are kind; they treat you to homebrew and help you unwind and if you come broken they see that you mend, and I wish I was with them again."--Allister MacGilivray

Thank god for women with bad taste in men

Meum est propositum in taberna mori, Uinam sit appositum sitienti ori: Ut dicant cum uenerint angelorum cori "Deus sit propitius isti potatori".

I desire to end my days in a tavern drinking, May some Christian hold for me the glass when I am shrinking;

That the Cherubim may cry, when they see me sinking, "God be merciful to a soul of this gentleman's way of thinking." - Archipoeta -

Dogs and old men thrive on monotony -- Baxter Black

"Beer is a mellow drink, but it keeps you on the run..." - The Bartender's Bounce

We have found heaven, for we have found Helle.

"What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all." - Dan Quayle speaking to the United Negro Collage Fund.

History is just a blast from the past...

Hopfen und Malz, Gott erhalts

...Simpler is better.

"This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the lord has intended a more divine form of consumption. Let us give praise to our maker and glory to His bounty by learning about BEER." --Friar Tuck, portrayed by Micheal McShea in the 1991 version of "Robin Hood"

"My son was dating a demon?" "Don't be prejudiced. He'd done a lot worse his freshman year."

"Persons intoxicated with wine pass out lying on their faces, while those drunk with beer invariably lie on their backs" --Aristotle

"In a family argument, if it turns out you are right-- apologize immediately!" Heinlein

"I have take more out of alcohol than it has taken out of me." --Churchill

"Is a fool on the throne relieved of all responsibility merely because he is a fool?" Milan Kundera

REGAL LAGER - It's not just a beer it's a palindrome!

All those moments will be lost, in time, like tears in rain -- Blade Runner

"We brewers don't make beer, we just get all the ingredients together and the beer makes itself." - Fritz Maytag

"Talent imitates, genius steals." T. S. Eliot

Science, like nature, must also be tamed with a view towards its preservation. Given the same state of integrity, it will surely serve us well. -N. Peart

BEER - "It's not just for breakfast anymore!"

"Anything is possible, if you don't care who gets the credit." -- Harry Truman

"And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad, so I had one for dessert"

"A fanatic is one who cannot change his mind, nor the subject" -- Sir Winston Churchill

"All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow." - Dave Barry

God created heaven and earth to grow barley and hops. Now he homebrews !-)

Free your mind and your ass will follow - George Clinton

Moderation, lad....moderation is the key. 8 or 10 is reasonable refreshment. After that, and it's likely to degrade into drinking.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.



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Last Updated: 04/26/00
Copyright © Alex Aaron, 1976-2000