|
Hello, Is there such a thing as thinking too much? No, I don't believe so. I mean, it's sad that it's cliche to say people don't often think enough. Why people are unable or unwilling or afraid to put an analyzing eye into life, the people around them, or worst of all, themselves, is beyond me. What do they fear? Maybe your going to see that your scars arent so easily hidden. You think you know the ugly things in you, but you think you're pretty good at hiding them. You hide them pretty well from yourself so maybe no one else sees them. Trust me, non-thinker-these are the first things people see when they see you. Henry (Rollins) in a song says, "If you could see the way that I see, when I see you see me, you would see yourself so diffrently-believe me.." No shit. Now Henry means that to say that you're not as bad as you think, you just have a real low self-opinion, but this is a two-edged sword and I'll be getting to Henry's point soon anyway. Right now we're accentuating the negative. I just see and hear alot of people everyday it seems. Every day I watch thoes around me and once in a while peer into the cracks that inevitably show through the exteriors they try to put up. I can do this and say so and admit it because I don't want to hurt anyone. That and I know people cand o the same to me and I'm living in my cracks so who am I to judge? When I see something I hate I think. When I see something I think is pathetic I think. When I see something I wish wasnt there I think. When I see it hurts me or angers me I think. I do the same thing to myself. I'd just as soon ignore you than kill you anyway. So you go through your shit. Thats yours and yours alone. A friend of mine named Kevin Broke his back on a bale of raspberries. (Sounds funny- go ahead and laugh) many many years ago and they told him he'd never walk again. Well, he can walk now-the discs in his back are masses of scar tissue so he lives with pain every minute of every day, but che can walk and do stuff just like you or I. The other day we were talking about pain and he said "The wonderful thing about pain-is it's your and yours alone..." No shit. Sometimes I think I think too much. I look at the shit I've been through and in the past I've tried to relate it but can't. The best you can hope for is someone who can admit they will never know how tihs or that felt or how whatever affected you affected you but try to atleast live with what it did to you. There are times I look at what I've gone through, look into myself at how it's affected me and wonder if I'm too far gone. I see such a disconnection between myself and others sometimes I wonder if I'm even human anymore. I see the canyons and the stretch between what we can relate too and to what we care about and don't want anyone else around. I can't get you to see and you only see what's infront of your eyes and why should I bother? It'll just be another good story to you. And I feel like an alien here to observe. To be observed. I think I'm really damaged. I mean, RELLY damaged, like warranty expired and all that free maintenance is gone. I can admit this because it's a part of me and I accept that. I can look and see the things in me you'd rather ignore were they in you-most that do, anyway. I can see my own contradictions, bullshit, and every day I try to fight that demon. If something is glaringly the wrong I go through change-I'm not afraid to, but you want to see how fucked up I am emotionally--get close to me. You won't because I won't let you, but trust me..I'm a fucking living wreck. But I also know I've been here before. That and I'm a funny girl. There is an individual that satellites my life occasionaly that sparked all this, by the way, and I can't give too much away here because this person I don't believe could take these truths. I'll show you how I mentally slash my wrists in hopes you do it, too-or if you have then you know-this person is too afraid to even see the world around them, them alone themselves. I'll show you what's in me because I already know it's there and I'm either changing it if it's bullshit or accepting it if it's a part of me. I know you're not perfect because I am not, and I know your just as scared as me. The person that inspired this go around-fear is all they've got. Some people dont think enough. For the times you wish it were an ax.
Go Back |
|