Jordan Bassior (with apologies to George MacDonald Fraser)
Mr. Wells has achieved widespread acclaim with his account of the War of the Worlds, but let's not forget a certain fellow's memoirs...
The Flashman Papers have attained a certain degree of notoriety among students of history, detailing as they do the many misadventures of one of the greatest characters of the Victorian period, Sir Harry Paget Flashman VC etc. Among the collected packets of manuscript was found this fragment giving an account of Flash Harry's experiences during the Martian Invasion of 1898:
"Well, when everyone started screaming and running like mad in one direction, you can bet that I sprung into instant action. You've got to act fast, don't you know, or you'll never get ahead of the crowd. Always be in the FRONT of any rout, that's what's kept old Flashy alive for these many decades..."
[Somehow he managed - quite accidentally - to take out a Martian somewhere along the line]
"Well, I won't say I was a little scared. Truth is, I was total stark petrified. I'd like to say that playing dead was a brilliant improvisation, but it was more like the worst funk of my long career.
"This thing came out ... sort of like a wrinkly squid with big nasty eyes, and I tell you, if I hadn't been a complete and utter poltroon I'd probably have started up and run and spoiled the whole thing, and then I wouldn't be here telling the tale. It crawled over to me, and looked right into my eyes, and then it started to extend this nasty bony straw thing from this mass of tentacles where its mouth should have been.
"Well that was the straw, so to speak, that broke the camel's back. I couldn't control myself any more, just let out a yelp and picked up a lead pipe lying broken off next to me in the rubble and brained the beast! It was hooting and yelping and waving its tentacles around, but I tell you with pride that, even at my age, there ain't nothing faster than Flashy in a funk..."
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