MiSTing: the Barney FAQ
In the not too distant future, somewhere in time & space... *theme music*
{Scene: SoL. Crow is sulking in a corner, but Tom looks as cheery as a robot
can look, as Mike enters }
Mike: Hey, guys, what's wrong? Looks like you got in a fight.
Crow: (sobbing) Tom took my lunch and he didn't even ask me! He ate my
sandwich and now I don't have anything to eat!
Mike: Calm down, Crow. It'll be OK. Tom, why did you do that?
Tom: You never told me you wanted it, Crow! All I wanted were your Double
Stuf Oreos! Barney said it was OK!
Mike: What do you mean, Barney said it was OK?
Tom: Barney the dinosaur! He's my special friend, and he can be yours too if
you just make-believe him!
Mike (to audience): I'm sorry, folks. Tom seems to be having some technical
difficulties. We'll be right back.
[Commercial Break. Mute all those annoying Psychic Network ads.]
{Scene: SoL.}
Mike: Welcome back. Tom's feeling better now that I removed the barney_luv
file from his central processor.
Tom (hazy): My head hurts...
Mike: Don't worry, you'll get over it.
[The light on the control panel starts blinking.]
Crow: Uh, Mike, Mork and Mindy are calling...
[Scene: The Ape Lab. Pearl and Bobo are on screen.]
Pearl: Couldn't help but overhear your little conversation with Tom, Nelson.
How brilliant of Tom to think that a preschool idol is his special friend!
Your robots' stupidity never ceases to amaze me.
Bobo: My thoughts exactly, Lawgiver! It's entertaining to see what a
bright-eyes can come up with on its own!
{Scene: SoL}
Crow: Bite me!
Tom: Barney! NOOOO!!!!!!!!! BAAAAAADDDDDDD!!!!!!!
[Tom collapses.]
Mike: Aw, geez. You made him pass out.
{Scene: Ape Lab.}
Pearl: (sarcastically) Oh, what a SHAME. (unsarcastically) Your post today
will be, coincidentally, the Barney FAQ file first posted to alt.tv.barney
by a rogue spongie called The Last Viking. Its grammar, style, and content
are just as putrid as you would expect from someone who thinks he's really
getting channeled by the spirit of Barney! Enjoy, Nelson.
{Scene: SoL.}
All: We've got POSTING SIGN!!!!!!!!!
{Countdown sequence. 6.... 5.... 4.... 3..... 2.... 1...}
{Scene: SoL Theater.}
> The Barney FAQ
Crow: Frequently asked by whom?
Mike: By the hopelessly spongified?
Tom: By the criminally insane?
> 1.Introduction.
> 2.Who am I, and what do I do here?
> 3.Am I evil?
> 4.Why does people say that I am evil?
> 5.What about politics?
> 6.What are my favorite hobbies?
> 7.If you had one wish come true, what would it be?
> 8.Why don't my knees bend?
> 1. Introduction
Mike: (singing, falsetto) Let's start at the very beginning, the beginning's
the best place to start.
> Many false rumors have been spread on the internet about me, this FAQ was
> written to bring up the truth about my existence.
Tom: Or lack thereof.
> As most of you know, I am a purple dinosaur and I am here to have fun
> and play with the kids.
Crow: Yes, but do they have fun when they play with you?
> The newsgroup alt.tv.dinosaurs.barney.die.die.die has spread this rumors
> together with this Jihad of theirs. Here in this FAQ lies the truth about
> me.
> 2. Who am I, and how did I get here?
> As I said I am a purple dinosaur. You might find that odd, but we were
> purple dinosaurs back in the very old days. Scientists today doesn't really
> know which color we had, but I can tell you, there were green, gray, black,
> purple, pink and yellow dinosaurs.
Tom: Newer models in chartreuse, beige, and puce.
> Our species were doomed.
Crow: Uh, how did dinosaurs like you with the combined IQ of a log figure
that out?
> There was a big comet coming and we figured it would change the earth
> temperature so dramatically that we wouldn't survive.
All: IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE!
> A group of scientist dinosaurs developed this
> time machine that moved me and my friends to the time of now.
Tom: Why didn't they just use the time machine to transport the whole species?
Why just you? WHY????? (head starts smoking)
Mike: Settle down, Servo. Remember that Barney's little peabrain can't handle
logic.
> I ended up in Disneyland (tm). Wandering around, with nothing to do. The
> kids left me alone while I was there, in the streets they would stare at me.
Crow: Tragically, they were all blinded by his self-clashing color scheme.
> One day I got to talk to a film producer, he helped
> me into making my own TV shows which I am playing in now.
Mike: Grammar Yoda-ized for your convenience.
> 3. Am I evil?
All: Well, DUH!!!!!
> Most definitely no. I am not evil. Many people on the net have said so,
> but they are all lying.
Mike: So we have the word of thousands of Netizens vs. one brain-damaged
plushy dino...
> The best way to check this out is to watch my shows. I and the kids are
> having so much fun.
Crow: Most of it off camera.
Mike: CROW!
Crow: Sheesh. What was that for?
> 4. Why does people say that I am evil?
> Some people are afraid that other people might get popular, or they dislike
> that other people are popular. What then happens is that they set out this
> rumor. Like in the presidency campaign, or with Michael Jackson, everything
> to crush one's popularity.
Mike: So you're saying all that stuff about Bubbles and the Elephant Man was
one big lie? I've been deceived! Everything I know is wrong! Wah!!! (starts
sobbing)
Tom: There there. You can always take pride in knowing the truth about Mikey
and the Pop Rocks.
> 5. What about politics?
> I am not much of an politican,
Crow: Too bad. He has the integrity and problem-solving skills of one.
> and as long as everyone is nice and good to each other I am not
> bothered. I leave politics to those who work with that. I just want
> everyone to be happy and to sing happy songs.
All: NO!!!!! NOT THE HAPPY SONGS!!!!!!!
Crow (pleading): Just give me the Comfy Chair already!!!!!!!
> Yet, I think that you mammals should get better at taking care of our
> nature. There is too much pollution in the world. If people doesn't stop to
> destroy the environment, they will be
> victims of the same fate as we did.
Mike: We should stop TO destroy the environment?
Tom (John Wayne voice): We've got to destroy this environment in order to
save it.
> 6. What are my favorite hobbies?
> I like drawing very much.
Mike: How do you draw when you only have a thumb and one big "finger"?
> I also like just playing with kids. They are much less demanding as adults.
(Mike holds Crow's beak shut)
Crow: MMPH!! MMMPHHHH!!
Mike: No, Crow. Two is enough for one post.
> 7. If you had one wish come true, what would it be?
> Peace. Most definitely. If we had peace on this planet the starvation
> problem would have been solved.
Crow: Two words: Soylent Green.
Tom (as cheesy salesman): Soylent Green. Made from the best stuff on Earth -
people!
> If everyone started to accept each other then nothing bad would have
> happened. It doesn't
> matter if one is black, white, yellow, red or purple, all people are equal.
Crow: Yes, but some animals are more equal than others.
Mike: As in, humans are more equal than nagenta freaks of nature.
> 8. Why don't my knees bend?
> Some think it's strange, but they don't bend.
Tom: So that's why he can't dance worth a damn!
> The reason is that I have always jumped around, like I
> do. I love it
All (whiny little kid voice): Are you gonna marry it then?
> and it is much more fun. I don't have to bend my knees so I don't do it.
Crow: And that's the message here: don't make any more effort moving than you
have to! Thank you for watching, kids.
{Backwards door sequence. 1.... 2... 3.... 4....5..... 6.....)
(Scene: SoL. Candy bar wrappers and empty cans of Jolt are strewn everywhere. Mike
and the bots look rather dazed.)
(Pearl and Bobo appear on the screen.)
Pearl: All right, space cadets, what did we learn from our post today?
Crow: That this is all a plot to repress my artistic freedom?
Tom: That Crow deserves to be repressed?
Crow: Heyyyyy... bite me!
Mike: That the Vikings would be ashamed that the poster of this doggerel
called himself the Last Viking?
Crow: That the makers of Jolt should be worshiped as gods, for they shall be
the saviors of civilization?
Bobo: No, no, no, silly bright-eyes. The moral of this story is... uh,
Lawgiver, what's the moral?
Pearl: There IS no moral, you dumb ape! We're just trying to drive those
cretins insane, not teach them anything!
Bobo: Oh.
(A few moments of awkward silence)
Bobo: (drops to his knees, sobbing) Oh, Lawgiver, I have angered you! I can
sense it! How must I pay penance???
Pearl: Oh, just the usual. Peanut, bring in the electroshock kit!
(The screen goes blank.)
Bobo: Unhhh.... my brain.....
(The Love Theme begins playing. Ever so often, we hear Bobo scream.)
[Legal Disclaimer Stuff: All MST3K characters, locations, situations, or
anything else associated with MST3K, is copyright Best Brains, Inc.
Everything else copyrighted is (c) its owners. All rights reserved.
This silly thing is just for the amusement of various Netizens who enjoy
this sort of thing. If you got offended by anything in this MiSTing, please
don't sue me. I can't afford it.]
> I ended up in Disneyland (tm). Wandering around, with nothing to do. The
> kids left me alone while I was there, in the streets they would stare at me.
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