[Scene: SoL Bridge. Mike, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy are standing around.]
MIKE: Well, guys, the title of today's fanfic, "Black Angel", is an
excellent demonstration of how, in crummy fanfic, harmless or even
benevolent things can instantly be transformed into harbingers of evil
with one simple adjective. With this in mind, I'd like you all to
pitch me a different fanfic with a title similar to "Black Angel",
just to see if it still works. OK, Tom?
TOM: All right, Mike. My proposed fanfic revolves around the spectral
furry haunting the night in woodland areas of public parks. This
horrid supernatural being plans to use the misguided affection of
parkgoers to conquer the world, starting with pilot bread and moving
up! Nothing can stop "Black Squirrel"!
CROW: Sounds really great, Tom, but my fanfic series actually has a
happy ending. When a greedy, money-mongering preppy has a sudden
revelation about the error of his ways, he goes stark raving mad and
begins killing and cannibalizing his staff and models! However, even in
his self-destructive rage, our antihero ends up ridding the world of
his former evil and ultimately helping humanity. I call it
"Dark Hilfiger: the Tommy Saga".
GYPSY: Oh, come on, guys! It's so obvious! Somewhere in Hollywood, a
lone dark overlord rules over all the people! With his incredible
talent and charm, his plot won't be realized until it's too late!
It's...
CROW: Let me guess...
GYPSY: ... "Dark Basehart!"
MIKE: Very good, guys! I just have one thing to add. When a heroic
independent software company is assimilated by an evil collective of
stupidity and stunted connections, it finds its morals eroding and
itself swiftly becoming the agent for the collective's total
domination of life and liberty. The terrifying story is called
"Black Netscape: the Horror of AOL's Subversion".
TOM: Geez, Mike, do you always have to use these host segments to
voice your cyberpolitical views?
[The Movie Sign goes off.]
MIKE: I'll explain later, Servo. We've got FANFIC SIGN!!!
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[SoL Theater. M&TB sit down.]
CROW: And onwards with the crap!
> <>
TOM: Seventeen years passed sleepily in the Shire...
> Sally sat at her desk working on Nicole.
CROW: Sayy...
MIKE: Crow, Nicole's a robot!
CROW: I know! Rowr! Check out the semiconductors on that babe, for
Joel's sake!
MIKE: Forget I said anything.
> She had rarely gotten good sleep.All she could think about was Sonic.She
> had retired to her hut towork on Nicole.
TOM: And how do these statements relate to each other again?
> She had done that hours ago.She yawned and sipped her black
> coffee.
MIKE: The "coffee" was actually the same liquid that Sonic
had ingested. Sally, being transformed into the BlackSeraph, ruled
with an iron grip alongside the BlackAngel. The End.
CROW: No, Mike, something like that would be a clever plot development.
None of those in this story, obviously...
> She rested her hands on her chin.
TOM: Don't you usually rest your chin on your hands?
MIKE: I get it! Sally's practicing her gymnastics!
> "You have a call Sally."The computer droned.
CROW: PRIORITY ONE HEDG - er, hi, Sally!
MAGIC VOICE: Hey, be nice to computer-generated voices, OK?
ALL: Yes, Magic Voice.
> "Display Nicole."Sally said.
TOM: Why would she want to display Nicole? She's already looking at
Nicole!
> Nicole's screen widened into a holographic projection.
> "Hello Princess" A familiar voice said as the pictutre came in
> focus.
MIKE: Help us, Obi-Wan Ka-Sally! You're our only hope!
> "Dr.Quack,
CROW: Another incredibly originally-named Mobian, I see.
TOM: Well, it makes playing Guess-the-Species much easier.
> Are you calling to tell me Sonic has re-cooperated?"Sally asked.
(M&TB all snicker)
MIKE: *Please* tell me Kiki meant that as a joke!
CROW: If only we were so lucky.
> "Yes.
TOM: Sonic has completely re-cooperated, comrade. He has
again sworn his love to Big Brother!
CROW: Doubleplusgood!
> He's doing much better than I've antisapated.
MIKE: Many a proofreader and English Composition teacher has woken up
in a cold sweat after dreaming about this story...
> He's ready to go back to you."The Doctor said.
TOM: Just remember to keep the radio collar on 'im so he
doesn't rip out his stitches.
> "Great!I'll be right over!"Sally said.The projection faded.
> Sally closed Nicole and placed the computer on her boot.
CROW: Eeeeeww... computer abuse...
MIKE: Oh drat! I've got a computer stuck to the sole of my
boot!
> * * *
> Sally entered the room Sonic was in.She heard a low groan
> escape him.
TOM: Ewww, who beefed?
> He turned over to face Sally.
> "Hi Sal."He said groggily.
MIKE: The scary thing is that's deep description for Kiki, I think.
> "Why hello there Sonic...."Sally placed her hands on his.
CROW: His what?
TOM: Do you really want to know, Crow?
> "When
> Tails and Amy showed me your condition I thought you were..."Sally stopped.
MIKE: Loud stop.
> "You thought I was dead?Now why would I leave when I have an
> Angel
TOM: No, it's the <>!
MIKE: With pronounced <>s, even...
> from heaven
CROW: First "StH: Merry Christmas", now this... why are all the
Mobians Christians anyway? Especially given that they're on the planet
Mobius and all...
TOM: Please don't analyze it, Crow... save yourself while you still can.
> right here?"Sonic said. Sally had to blush,but stopped when Sonic began to
> laugh uncontrolably.
> "What it it Sonic?"Sally asked.
> "Your hair!!" Sonic sqeaked out
TOM: Hey! Hedgehogs don't squeak!
MIKE: Would you rather he yiffed, Tom?
> through laughter.Sally walked over to a mirror.
> "Ahh!"
CROW: Wait a second... why is Sally sighing?
TOM: C'mon, Crow! The A-H ratio for screams vs. sighs has already been
the butt of too many riffs.
> She said taking out her brush and smoothing her hair down.
MIKE: Wait... why am I saying my stage directions?
> She turned around to Sonic who was still laughing.
CROW: Hehe... Dr. Quack... hahahaha... forgot to turn off
the... hee hee... nitrous oxide...
> "What now?!"Sally sighed.
> "Nothing..its just that it was so funny!"Sonic said.
MIKE: So... being turned into a cannibalistic, evil entity makes you
completely, utterly, bean-curd-for-brains stupid.
CROW: Well, it explains the Mads.
> "Do I have to treat you like Tails?"Sally put her hands on
> her hips.Sonic stopped laughing.
> "No."He said looking at Sally with innocent eyes.She laughed.
TOM: As I was strolling through the gas
one day...
> "C'mon..I'll get you something to eat."Sally said.
CROW: Well, for starters, he can *bite me*!
> Sonic got out of the bed.
> "Quite a few stitches you have there."
MIKE: And we now return you to Kiki's usual stream of consciousness.
> Sally said putting her hands on Sonic's forehead.
> "Had to be,from what the doctor told me."Sonic said.
> * * *
> <>
> Sally sretched.
TOM: S-retched?
CROW: Well, you would too if you were in this fanfic! It's
enough to make a ground squirrel sick...
> She had been working on some new programs for Nicole
MIKE: IfyouknowwhatImean!
CROW: Mike, why can you do those riffs when we get grounded for them?
MIKE: Because I'm the fearless leader. Nyeh.
> for a few hours.
> "Yikes!Its 2 AM!"Sally said looking at her digital watch on her
> wrist.
TOM: Oh yeah, I buy furries in the middle of the forest in a village
without electricity, air conditioning, or indoor plumbing, but with
easy access to digital watches and AI computers. Suuuuure.
> She decided she'd continue tommorow morning.She slipped into her night
> gown and sat in bed.She un-tangled the covers and put them under her chin.
MIKE: The heck?
TOM: Watch the bizarreness be multiplied by the fact that Kiki can't
really put together a sentence!
> She snuggled up to her pillow.She almost fell asleep
CROW: Someone forgot the third-grade rule of not starting all your
sentences with the same word, didn't someone?
> when a loud bang noise came from her hut.
MIKE: ... followed by a crash noise, an oh crap noise, and a Sally I'm
really sorry I just destroyed your hut noise.
> The door broke down.These doors were not easy to break down.
CROW: I wasn't aware that the common sentence could be made this
monotonous.
> It would have to require great strength to.
TOM: Unbreakable doors on a grass hut. Suuuuuuure.
> She hid under her bed.
MIKE: Yep, Mobius's war-tested princess hides under the bed after
hearing a loud noise. The Freedom Fighters never really had a chance
in heck, did they?
> Her lips moved silently in a prayer that who ever intruded her hut would
> go away.The figure went into the room she was in.
> "SONIC?!!!What are you doing intruding my hut at this hour?!!"Sally
> yelled.
TOM: ... seeing as I can obviously see you perfectly clearly
under this bed and all!
> "Having a meal."Sonic said in a cold tone.
CROW: PRIORITY ONE GROUND SQUIRREL... oopsie.
> "What do you mean Sonic?"Sally asked.
> "The question is,what do YOU think I mean princess?"Sonic grabbed
> Sally by the arm and threw her onto her bed.
TOM: AAAAAH! This is rapidly becoming a Kefkafic!
MIKE: Well, Tom, if we suddenly see a tentacle or anything, we'll get
out...
> "Sonic!!This isn't funny!!Stop it!!"Sally yelled.
CROW: When Halloween pranks go horribly wrong...
> She gasped when she saw Sonic extract claws.
TOM: It's "Nightmare on Knothole Street"!
> He hissed
MIKE: Geez, first he squeaks and then he hisses - Sonic's doing a
complete animal impression routine tonight.
> and slashed Sally across the stomach.Sally screamed.
CROW: No, no, no, Sally! That was your cue for "Unhand me, you cad!".
> His blade like claws
MIKE: Blades or claws, fanfic... make up your mind already!
> ran over more parts of her body.
TOM: Oh, no. Please, no lemon...
> "Hold it right there Sugah!"Bunnie came in through the broken down
> door.Sonic vanished.
MIKE: Yes, all supervillains are intimidated by the great... Bunnie.
CROW: Hold it right there, sugah, or I'll start talking about
the crystals again!
> Sally limped over to Bunnie.Her night gown was covered in blood.
> "I'm sure damn glad
TOM: Princess Sally's a potty mouth!
> you came when you did Bunnie."Sally said.
> * * *
> Leanna sat up in bed reading a book.
MIKE: Wait, who's Leanna?
CROW: She wasn't mentioned in the All-Encompassing Amazing Colossal
Character Guide! I demand a refund!
> She yawned and put the bookmark in the book.Then put the book down on her
> bedside table and pulled the covers up to her chin.
TOM: Intense! Going-to-bed! Action!
> She closed her eyes,but they shot open
MIKE: Just another reason why eyelash-triggered Uzis are a bad idea.
> when she felt someone's elbows in her ribs.
CROW: Our big, bad, villain uses playground fighting tactics? I'm
impressed...
> She turned over and peered into Sonic's face.She screamed
> trying to get off her bed,but Sonic took hold of her in a tight grip.She
> screamed again when Sonic's claws extracted and shredded off her night
> gown.
TOM: Yet another lemon warning sign... kill me now, please!
> His claws ripped into her arms.She tried and tried to pull Sonic off of
> her,but failed.Then suddenly she pulled him off.
MIKE: Great 'supervillain'. TV's Frank could take him...
> It was long enough for her to run out of the hut. Sonic was following her
> and quickly gained on her as expected.
CROW: Well, at least this story isn't breaking Sonic's character too
badly.
TOM: Way past cool! Bwahahahahahahaha!
> She almost stumbled,but didn't.She pounded on Rotor's door to let her in.
> Sonic was right there.Rotor opened the door.
MIKE: Elegant, SonicFan-esque description, as always.
> Leanna quickly shot in
CROW: What is it with Mobians and pyromania, anyway?
> and slammed the door so Sonic couldn't get in.She locked it.
TOM: But before... he could break down Sally's door... aaargh! Must
not think...
> "Rotor..you will not believe what just happened."Leanna said
> catching her breath.
MIKE: Why do I see Rotor's next line having some form of
"Hyuck-hyuck-hyuck!" somewhere?
> __--{{END OF CHAPTER ONE}}--__
> ______________________________________________________________________
> <><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
CROW: And out come the festive little dividers!
> {{CHAPTER TWO}}
ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
MIKE: Ah. I still love that riff.
> Kiki Shana Danger
CROW: Dingdingding! And we have avatar!
> sat on her windowsill looking into the pitch black
> night.It was
TOM: ... a dark and stormy night, obviously.
> pouring out and when the lightning struck it outlind her figure.
CROW: But... that only makes borderline sense... wait,
remember what Servo said. *Do Not Think*!
> Her icy blue eyes were set on one solid thing.
MIKE: Don't you hate it when you leave your eyes somewhere and forget
where you put them?
> She couldn't understand what it was though.
TOM: Well, the fanfic sure has shown her general reasoning level, so
I'll believe *that* statement...
MIKE: That was low, Tom. Remember, slam the fanfic, not the author.
TOM: Awwww...
> Someone knocked on her door.Kiki emerged out of her trance
> and walked over to the door.She opened it.There stood Antoine De'coolette.
> He had been out in the rain.
MIKE: Aww, I hate the smell of wet weenie-fox!
> "Hi Twan."
TOM: Twan?
(Everyone snickers.)
> Kiki said
CROW: What, you mean Kiki identified speech using 'said'? That's a
first!
> stepping aside so he could come in.
> "Can I to be using your telephone?
TOM: Wait! That's not right! Antoine's grammar is OK, he just speaks
with a bad accent...
MIKE: I thought he actually spoke French most of the time and spoke
only broken English?
CROW: Fanboys.
> Mine went dead because of the storm-ed."Antoine said. purpose.>
MIKE: Well, thanks for clarifying that, Kiki!
TOM: Because we're so thankful, we'll flame you less for it.
> "Yeah....sure,but make it quick."She said.Another clasp of thunder
> came.Antoine jumped back.Kiki rolled her eyes.
> "Antoine get in here!You're ruining my carpet!"
CROW: Antoine's not paper-trained? Ewwwww....
> Kiki scolded.
> "Oh yes.."Antoine said whiping
TOM: Whip it! Whip it good!
> his boots on the mat outside and coming in.He hung his coat on her coat
> rack and walked past her to the telephone.
MIKE: Um, I hesitate to ask, but why would Antoine be calling someone
in the same freaking village? And when did Knothole get phone service?
> Kiki sat back on the windowsill.Now she could clearly see what she was
> staring so hard at before.It was a human woman
CROW: A human? On Mobius? Inconceivable!
TOM: Snively reproduced by mass mitosis, or what?
> looking around 20 years old.She had dark curly hair and blue green eyes.
> She wore a black cloak.
MIKE: Ah, stunning detail. Stunning like a baseball bat to the back of
the head, that is.
> "I'm done!"Antoine called after awhile.He put his coat back on and
> stepped out into the rain again.Kiki had only turned her head,but what a
> moment.When she turned back to see the woman she was gone.
TOM: ... so she didn't see her. Or something. Aaargh.
> * * *
> Kiki remembered she didn't close the window all the way and felt a few
> drops roll onto her forehead gently.
CROW: Ah, it's like a cartoon! Laws of physics don't come into effect
until you notice they should.
> She picked herself up to shut it when a
> knock came at the door. [Probably Antoine wanting to use my phone again.]
> She thought.
MIKE: So she thinks within stage-direction brackets?
> She opened the door.
> "Where were you sis?"Kiki asked when she saw it was her sister Kay.
TOM: And we have Avatar #2. Two down, one to go.
> "I..I..I..lost track of time is all."Kay smiled wryly.
CROW: Kay forgot her Knothole Standard Issue Digital Watch, I see.
> "Well thank god you're okay."Kiki said.
> "I just hope I don't catch a..catch a...ACHHOOOOOOO!!!!!"Kay
> sneezed.
> "A cold?Shouldn't have said that sis."
MIKE: Was this script written by my mother, or what? Next thing you
know she'll be telling Kay that she'll put her eye out with that
pencil...
> Kiki laughed softly and gave Kay a tissue.
> "Thanks sis.
TOM: Um, are Kay and Kiki aware that they both have proper names?
> If you need me,you know where to find me."Kay said.
> "Uh-huh."Kiki said walking back to her bed and pulling the covers
> over her head.
CROW: But everyone else has just pulled them up to their chins! Kiki's
breaking Knothole Law...
MIKE: She's an avatar, Crow. She can do that.
CROW: Oh... all right, before we go on... if she turns out to be a
human or a human that was somehow magically turned into a furry, my
head will explode.
> * * *
> Kiki heard a chilling scream.Her eyes shot open.Someone in Kay's room
> over head was running or rushing across the floor.
TOM: Running, rushing, you tell me!
> The voice was clearly Kay's.Kiki remained still as stone until she heard
> something drop on the floor.
MIKE: Well, I really didn't care that my sister was being
attacked, but if she broke the lamp...
> She practically leaped out of her own bed and ran up the stairs as fast
> as her legs could take her.
> "KAY?!!!"Kiki yelled.
CROW: ... the audience apparently not being bright enough to figure out
that CAPS LOCK with ?!!! is supposed to be emphasized...
> Kay was sprawled out on the floor.Her eyes vacant
MIKE: No, I believe that's her brain, actually...
> and her stomach torn.
TOM: Oh, what an incredible surprise. The younger
cannon-fodder avatar gets attacked. Which exciting plot twist will
happen next?
> Kiki ran to her to check her pulse.
> "Good..She's still breathing.."
CROW: She'll be good for one more cannon-fodder scene!
(Mike starts humming Duncan Sheik's "Barely Breathing")
> Kiki said running over to the phone.She dialed Sally's number imediatley.
TOM: Somehow forgetting how much quicker it would be to just run over
to her hut, seeing as it's across the street...
> The phone rang 4 times before someone picked it up.
> "Hello?"Sally's groggy voice said on the other line.
> "Its me Sally.
MIKE: No, me Sally. You Kiki Avatar Danger.
> Kay is..is..well..her stomach is completely ripped up!"
CROW: Rescue 911, Knothole edition.
> Kiki was terrified.She did not want her younger sister to die.
TOM: She has so many snuff fics yet to appear in...
> Sally let
MIKE: ... one.
TOM: Ah, the most juvenile humor is the best.
> out a gasp.
> "I'll be right over with the doctor."Sally said.Kiki hung up the
> phone and turned to Kay.Kiki just stared in disbelief as an unwanted
> visitor watched from a distance.
CROW: A Sonic/_Rear Window_ crossover?
> * * *
TOM: Shall we?
MIKE: Let's shall.
(M&TB exit the theater.)
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