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	[Scene: SoL Bridge. A TV monitor has dropped from out of nowhere 
	and is now sitting on the bridge. Crow and Tom are in their usual 
	places, with bowls of popcorn, when Mike walks in.]

	MIKE: Whoa! What happened to the psychic hotline?
	
	CROW: We moved it to the load pan bay, and there’s a tape of me on 
	constant loop for the poor suckers. Heh... they’ll never know the 
	dif. Anyway, come watch with us!

	MIKE: Ummm... watch what?

	TOM: Well... after watching all this Disneyfication of an ancient 
	myth, we decided we wanted to see what would happen if that same 
	approach was added to our travails on the satellite! So we had Cambot 
	work up something... 

	MIKE: And let me guess... you’re just about to watch the resulting 
	clip, right?

	CROW: Ooh, you’re batting a thousand, Mike. C’mon, just watch. 
	Cambot, roll the animation clip!

	[Our attention moves to the TV monitor, which quickly takes up the 
	entire frame. The film begins rolling... we see the typical MST3K 
	planet intro, except now it’s "Happy Fun Disney Theater 3000". From 
	now on, the characters in the film will be referred to by "Disney 
	", while the actual characters watching will be "Real ".]

	[The HFDT3K scene is vaguely like the Satellite of Love, except that 
	it’s a lot brighter and more pastel. Needless to say, this is all 
	jerkily and cheesily animated. Our Disneyfied heroes enter... Crow 
	and Tom are very similar to their normal selves, albeit with 
	rounded-off edges and a pastel color scheme. Mike, however, looks 
	very much like Hercules in a jumpsuit.]

	REAL MIKE:  Now that’s something I can live with. 
	
	DISNEY MIKE: Hi, everyone! It looks like it’s gonna be another lovely 
	day on the Satellite of Love! Isn’t it, Crowie and Tommy?

	DISNEY CROW:  Oh, yes 
	indeedly doodly, Mike! I wonder what wonderful movie our friends on 
	the planet will send us today!

	DISNEY TOM:  Oh, golly yes! It’s a 
	world of laughter and fun up here, etting to watch all of those 
	wonderful Disney classics with my dear friends!

	DISNEY MIKE: Speaking of dear friends, where’s Gypsy? It can’t be a 
	nice day without Gypsy!

	[Disney Gypsy enters. She basically looks like someone mounted the 
	Gypsy head on the body of any other Disney heroine. If you’ve ever 
	seen a Disney film, you get the idea.]

	DISNEY GYPSY:  Hello there, boys! I’m sorry, I had 
	to make myself all pretty. Tee hee. Have the nice planet people 
	called us yet?

	[The Mad Light flashes. It’s pink this time. Disney Mike gets it.]

	DISNEY MIKE: Hello, planetbound friends?

	[Scene: Disney Castle Forrester. It’s scarily like the Cinderella 
	Castle. The Mads are there: Pearl looks a lot more Disney-heroine-ish, 
	Bobo most closely resembles King Louie from _The Jungle Book_, 
	and Brain Guy is... Brain Guy. Not much you can do to make him 
	Disneyfied.]

	DISNEY PEARL:  Hello, snugglebunnies! Tee hee. Is 
	everything just scrumdiddlyumptious up there? It sure is here!

	[Disney SoL]

	DISNEY MIKE: You bet, Mrs. F!

	[Disney Castle Forrester]

	DISNEY PEARL: Oh, that’s just fabulous! Anyway, we have a 
	*wonderful* all-time Disney classic for you today! It’s called 
	_Hercules_, and I’m sure you’ll just eat it up! Tee hee. Have fun!

	[Movie Sign goes off]

	DISNEY MIKE: Look! We have Disney-classic sign! Let’s go; we can’t 
	miss a minute of the wonder!

	[The Disney Door Sequence. Bright! Sparkly! Happy! Nauseating!]

	[We see DM&TB settling into their theater. The Disney castle logo is 
	already on the screen.]

	DISNEY CROW: Oh boy! Another magical movie to make thoughtful and 
	complimentary comments about! I never get sick of this!

	DISNEY TOM: Me neither, Crowie!

	REAL CROW:  All right, Cambot, we’ve seen enough. Turn it 
	off. 

	[The Disney scene stops. We return to our real heroes. They all look 
	vaguely disgusted.]

	MIKE: That was... disturbing. 

	TOM: I feel ill. 
	
	CROW: Cambot, why?

	[The Fanfic Sign goes off.]

	MIKE: Never mind, we’ve got DISNEY SIGN!!

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	(The Theater. M&TB get settled.)

> Despite his love for Meg, Herc made no effort to change her position.  
> A long lock of Katira’s hair slipped out

	TOM: Sounds like a job for Rogaine!

> and fell over his shoulder.  As he began to replace it, he discovered 
> Katira had fallen asleep.

	MIKE: So, just to add to all of the personal problems suffered by 
	this character, she’s also a narcoleptic?

>  She stirred slightly,

	CROW: Although the recipe called for frappe. 

> and put one hand on his arm, while pillowing her head

	MIKE: It happened that day she picked some strange pussy willow. 
	Her head swelled up white, and soft as a pillow!
	BOTS: Foul! Illegally geeky Tim Burton ref!
	MIKE: Awwwwwww... 

> on his shoulder.  Very carefully, so as not to disturb her very much, 
> he gently picked her up, and carried Katira over to the pile of skins 
> and the blanket, putting her down on them.  He spread the threadbare, 
> tattered blanket over her, and she smiled contentedly in her sleep once 
> she was in her rather crude bed.  After a while, he too, fell asleep.

	MIKE: Now there's a wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am for you. 

>	The next morning, Katira awoke a little earlier than usual. 

	TOM: Ah, so today she woke up *before* noon?

> She sat up, and at first was a little surprised to see Hercules sleeping 
> nearby, until she remembered the day before. She smiled at him, and then 
> climbed the tree she was under, bringing down two apples for breakfast. 

	TOM:  Oh, good. I was just about to ask if you were gonna 
	make some breakfast now... 
	CROW:  You sick, dirty-minded 
	little bot.
	TOM: Oh, look who’s taking the moral high road now that your 
	RAMchips are at stake!

> She did her usual morning rituals,

	MIKE: The Reading of the Sacred Newspaper, the Sugaring and 
	Creaming of the Venerable Coffee, the Application of Lox and Cream 
	Cheese to the Most Holy Bagel... 

> and yet, when she returned, Herc was still asleep.  She knelt down beside 
> him,

	CROW:  Don’t say *anything*, 
	you perv. 
	MIKE: Wow... are you all right, Crow? 

> and nudged him gently, saying his name.  After several efforts, he 
> finally woke up.
>	“Ah, the Sleeping Eros awakes at last,” she said, jokingly sarcastic. 

	MIKE: The real Eros, not getting the joke, impales both of them on a 
	barbed arrow. 

> Not quite fully awake, he at first thought he was back at Thebes, 
> and Meg had come in to wake him up.

	CROW:  We’re not going to say anything about that, 
	right, right??
	TOM: I worry about you, dude. 

>  Then he got a better look at his companion, and remembered he was in 
> Katira’s camp instead.  He smiled,

	CROW:  Katiiiiira... I just met a girl named 
	Katiiiiiira...  

> and Katira reached out a hand to help 
> him up.  Unfortunately, she didn’t know about his godly strength, 
> and was instead pulled to the ground.

	MIKE: Godly strength? More like godly gravity problem... 

>	“Sorry,” he apologized.

	TOM:  Oh, no! I thought that if he’d be saying 
	‘Sorry!’, he’d be laughing sarcastically or something! He apologized 
	instead; what a shock!

>	“It’s okay, but come on, it’s time for breakfast,” said Katira, 
> climbing to her feet, and brushing off her torn skirt.  She tossed Herc 
> his apple, while taking a bite out of hers.

	MIKE:  This snake got me a great deal on these... 

>  She ate quickly, and then put on her frayed cloak, also gathering up her 
> purse and flute.  
>	“What are you doing?” he asked.
>	“Getting ready to go to town.  Are you coming along?” she asked, with 
> a hint of eagerness in her voice.
>	“Sure, as long as you’ll help protect me from screaming fans,” he 
> said, teasingly.

	CROW:  Wow, all two of them? Oh, that’s better... 
	MIKE: What?
	CROW: Some circuitry the other guy programmed. It makes me act 
	over-moralizing for a certain period of time after duct tape is 
	applied/removed from my beak. There *is* a really good reason, 
	though. Please don’t ask. 
	MIKE: I won’t.

>	“Aw, cut it out!  Come on, hurry up,” she said, giggling.  In two 
> steps, about eight of Katira’s, he was at her side.  Together, they 
> walked into town, trying to stick to the back roads so as not to be too 
> obvious.  Using Katira’s usual routes, they slipped into the agora, 
> with Katira having to step quickly in order to keep up with her friend.  
> They walked by the bread stand, and as usual, Katira stole a loaf of pita.

	MIKE: I'm having flashbacks. This thing's on a continuous 
	loop.
	BOTS: Aiee!
 
>  She didn’t think anyone noticed, for the moment.

	TOM: I enjoy the challenge of trying to sympathize with a 
	recently-rich-klepto-and-completely-unashamed protagonist, 
	don't you? 
	(Mike and Crow groan)

>	“Put it back, Katira,” said Herc.  She looked up at him, and he didn’t 
> look too happy.  She tried putting on her charming smile. It didn’t 
> work on him.
>	“Oy vay,” mumbled Katira under her breath.

	CROW: I’d say something clever here, but I think all the 
	anachronistic-and-culturally-inappropriate-epithets and 
	completely-bastardized-mythology jokes have been done in this fic 
	already. 
	MIKE: I feel your pain. 

>	“Put it back, Katira.  Either that or pay for it.  I won’t have you 
> stealing anymore,” said Herc, a little more insistent.  

	TOM: Hercules portrayed by Hugh Beaumont!

>	“Okay, okay.  Fine.  I’ll pay for it.  Sheesh,” she grumbled.  
> Katira obediently paid, and put the bread in her purse.

	MIKE:  There, if we get lost in the woods again, we can 
	sprinkle a trail of bread crumbs. 

>  Unfortunately, Herc’s scolding had attracted the attention of some of 
> the nearby shoppers,

	CROW:  Attention Agora shoppers! Blue-light 
	Hercules special on Aisle 5!

> and it wasn’t long before the mob of screaming teenage girls came running 
> up to Herc.

	ALL:  JOEY!!!!!!!!!

>	“Uh-oh,” murmured the hero.
>	“Now you’ve done it!” said Katira, shaking her head at him.  The 
> throng of fanatic groupies kept coming.

	MIKE: Why, look, everyone, there’s Erato! Wave to the author!
	(They all wave)

>	“Not good,” he mumbled.  In a quick rescue attempt, Katira put her 
> hood back, and drew herself as close as she could get to Herc, much to 
> his uncertain surprise.
>	“Sorry girls,” she mock apologized in her sweetest voice, “He’s with 
> me.”
>	“What are you doing?” whispered Herc rather uncomfortably.
>	“Either play along as my boyfriend, or get massacred by them,” 
> snapped Katira, in a whisper as well, gesturing at the girls.  Herc got 
> the point.

	ALL:  Now it’s Megara’s turn to cry, Megara’s turn 
	to cry, Megara’s turn to cryyyyy!

>	“Yeah right,” sneered one of the mob.
>	“Oh no?” asked Katira indignantly.  She had to think quick.  In a 
> desperate, but luckily effective, act of rescue, she pulled Hercules 
> into a long, intimate kiss.

	TOM: Oh, noo, fanfic. *Please* don’t go there, for the love of god!

>	“What the-?” he began, very much alarmed, as Katira pressed her 
> lips to his.  After the first few seconds, he began to realize it was 
> part of Katira’s plan, and eased into the kiss, kind of enjoying it.

	CROW: I already feel profoundly dirty. 

>  After all, Katira was lovely, sweet, kind, 

	MIKE: - of skanky?
	
> and charming.

	TOM: Just another reason why we shouldn’t allow 1st-level rogues 
	to run around with wands of charm person. It creates scenes, and 
	fanfics, like this. 

>  Her mouth tasted oddly sweet,

	CROW: ... and went great with fava beans and a nice Chianti!

 > and there was a faint, but pleasant aroma of

	MIKE: Gutter crud, sewer water, and the general essence of being 
	unwashed for months?
	TOM: Foul Ole Ron? I believe we’ve found your estranged daughter! 
	And she’s carried on both the family business *and* the family stench!

> figs, pomegranates, honey, and nuts about her.  She was good at it too.
>	“Oh.  We see.  We understand,”

	CROW:  Yessss, we do, don’t we, Precioussssss? Dirty, 
	nasssty Herculesessssss.... 
	MIKE: Yes, folks, it wouldn’t be a MiSTing without the 
	Gollum reference. 

> said the apparent spokeswoman of the groupies.  They turned, and left the 
> agora disappointed.

	TOM:  Look, there’s Theseus! 
	Let’s go stalk him!

>  When they were gone, Katira released Herc.  For a few moments, all 
> he could do was stare at Katira, and gape with his mouth opening and 
> closing like a fish, trying to regain the ability to speak.

	MIKE: Hercules as Kevin Richter in _Murphy’s Boy_!

>	“Whoa,” he said, still trying to recover from the sudden shock.

	CROW: Vasogenic or anaphylactic?

>	“You said it.  Believe me, it could have been worse,” she said, 
> discreetly wiping off her mouth with her hand.

	TOM:  Ewwww, boy germs. 

>	“That was...very...unexpected,” was all poor Herc could say.

	CROW:  Sure, it was unexpected, but dang! What a party!
	MIKE: First the Gollum reference, now this. I thought your dirty 
	riffs were bad... now I have to sit through your Tolkien-fanboy 
	riffs. 
	CROW: Geez, Mike, you aren’t gonna let me have any fun, are you?

>	“Like I said.  It could have been worse. 

	TOM: Of *course* it could have been worse! You could have caused the 
	Earth to implode! Never mind, that would be better, since we wouldn’t 
	have to read this fic anymore. 

> Come on, let’s get the H-E-double-javelins outta here,” 

	CROW: Now that doesn’t even deserve a riff. 

> she said, going into another alley, dragging the stunned Hercules along 
> with her.
>	“What gave you the idea to do that?” asked Herc, once he’d fully 
> recovered his powers of speech.
>	“Let’s just say I have great ad-lib skills.  Say, honey, you kiss 
> like a pro.  Let me guess.  You’ve got yourself a girl back home, don’t 
> you?”  Herc nodded.
>	“Yeah.  Her name’s Meg,

	ALL: -ara.

 > Megara actually.”

	ALL: Thank you!

>	“Hmph.  I used to know a girl named Meg once.  You love her a lot, 
> don’t you?” asked Katira, knowingly, 

	MIKE: This is swiftly becoming a Psychic Friends Network 
	commercial...
	TOM:  Let me guess, you’re suffering from a lot of 
	on-the-job anxiety and you’re considering a change of career, right? 

> but with a hint of wist

	CROW: Wait a second... is wist even a word?
	MIKE: It is now!

> in her tone.
>	“Yeah, I do.  How’d you guess?”
>	“I didn’t guess.  I could tell.  Honey,

	ALL:  I miss yooooouuu, and I’m being goooooooood.... 

 > I can identify any man’s romantic status and feelings with just one kiss.”

	TOM: Oh, please, fanfic, don’t make this a part-immortal power or 
	anything! Please, for the love of sanity!!

>	“How?”  Herc had no idea what she was talking about.
>	“Spend enough time swimming in the dating pool, 

	MIKE: The dating pool = where the fish lives?
	CROW:  By this time my lungs were aching 
	for air!
	TOM: You live for that reference, don't you, Crow?

> and you pick up a few things,” she said, looking away at first, and then 
> right back at Herc, “Don’t ever, ever, let her go, whatever you do.  
> If you love her that much, keep her.

	MIKE: But if you love someone, you’re supposed to set them free... 
	oh, never mind. 

 > If you lose her, you’ll feel the worst pain of all.”

	TOM: Like a fire raging inside you... 

>  Her voice trailed away, and a single tear slipped down the creamy cheek. 

	CROW: Four out of five Donner party members agree: Katira is 
	nummylicious!
	MIKE: Crow, was that image strictly necessary?
	CROW: No, but it was either that or a primal scream about the fact 
	that Erato used the adjective ‘creamy’ again... 

> Again, she felt the heartbreak she’d felt too many times.  A silence fell 
> over the alley, as tear-bright eyes shone in a wooden face,

	MIKE: Pinnochio’s Secret Anguish: an After-School Special. 

> with tight, pale lips, while anguished and angry hands twisted a piece of 
> her brown cloak until blood flowed. 

	TOM: It’s really a bad sign when your clothing bleeds. 

> Herc laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.  She put her hood back on, 
> and wiped her bleeding hand on a clean place on her cloak.  She looked as 
> normal as ever, and she rejoined Herc as they reentered the agora.  
> At the time, they found nothing else of interest,

	CROW:  Dang, the Old Navy at Agora isn’t open yet. 
	And I really need some cargo pants too. 

> so they went back to Katira’s camp.  Katira bandaged her wounded hand,

	MIKE: And died of gangrene from using skanky bandages... 
	TOM: Hey, man, why all the *darkness*?

> and began fixing up lunch, which wasn’t very much food, Herc had noticed.  
> In fact, she rarely ate much more than a few meager things, since she was 
> poor, couldn’t afford it,

	CROW: No, really?! I thought the poor could afford anything!

> and had grown up forced to eat that way.  After fixing up the bread with 
> a sliver of meat inside,

	MIKE:  In my people’s tongue it is called a ‘cheese-steak’. 

> Katira eyed the apple tree.  It was past season, so there were few apples 
> left.  All the same, she decided to go and bring down a few for dessert.  
> She took off her cloak, since it limited her agility, and began climbing 
> the tree.  Her bare feet scraped painfully against the bark, but Katira 
> didn’t care.

	TOM:  Hee-hee. I can have tetanus again! Tetanus is fun!

> Instead, she kept climbing all the way to the top of the tree, where the 
> apples were left.  She took two, and dropped the to the ground,

	MIKE: Doh! That to the ground isn’t shatterproof!
	TOM: Speaking as a veteran grammarflamer, Mike, that was laaaaame. 

> where they landed, unharmed, on her cloak.  Now, she had to get back down. 

	ALL: Just jump out of the tree!!!

> She carefully began climbing back down the tree, when she felt a tugging 
> at her skirt.

	CROW: And the Ent, succeeding in pulling her off, stomped on her head. 
	The End. 

>  She’d gotten caught on a branch.  As she stopped to free herself, 
> she slipped on the branch, and started to fall.  Luckily, she got her 
> dress caught on several other branches, which was the only thing holding 
> her off the ground.  

	TOM: I can feel this scene coming from a mile away... and I’m very 
	much afraid. 

> She now had to free herself in many more places, and she struggled to 
> reach the snags.  It didn’t work too well, and she hung there, her dress 
> acting as a sling to keep her in the tree.  Katira hoped the dress 
> wouldn’t tear so that she wouldn’t fall through it to the ground, which 
> had happened before. 

	CROW: Um, Mike?
	MIKE: Yeah?
	CROW: There is a god of some sort, right?
	MIKE: Well, I think so, but that’s a major human philosophical 
	issue... 
	CROW: Mike, one question: if there truly is a benevolent deity, why 
	would he/she/it/they make this scene exist, and why would it be 
	implied that it had happened *before*? I’m never gonna get the 
	image out of my memory circuits. 
	MIKE: You’ve got me there, buddy. 

> The embarrassed Katira finally decided to ask for help.
>	“Yo, Herc, will you help me down from here?” she asked.  Hercules 
> looked up at her, and thought she looked so funny dangling there that he 
> couldn’t help but laugh.

	MIKE: All right, before I thought this scene just sucked, but 
	now I believe it’s an official crime against sentient life. 

>	“What happened to you?  You’re just-” he didn’t finish his sentence 
> because he was laughing too hard.

	TOM: He’s laughing on the outside, we’re all crying on the inside. 

>	“Yeah, I know.  I’m just hanging around up here,” said Katira, 
> annoyed.  Obviously, Herc wasn’t going to help her, so she’d have to go 
> it alone.  Using all her might, she tried to “jump” up to the snags.  
> Katira almost made it, but not quite.  When she swung back down, another 
> branch caught a rip on the back of her dress, and tore it some before 
> releasing the cloth.  Katira tried again, but was still unsuccessful.  
> Again, the branch ripped more of her dress. 

	MIKE: Yes, fanfic, you’ve informed us of this. Get on with it!

> Over and over, Katira tried to free herself, but nothing worked.  Her 
> dress was badly torn in back, and if it tore much more, the dress would 
> split completely, and she’d fall out of the cloth. 

	CROW: I hate to say it, but even if there weren’t a huge number of 
	RAMchips on the line, riffing this would 	be beneath my dignity. 

> Summoning all the strength she could, Katira gave it one last try.  She 
> didn’t get the snag, but the branch tore her dress so that it finally 
> split.  Poor Katira fell out of the tree, without her dress.

	TOM: Mike?
	MIKE: Yup?
	TOM: Unscrew my head before this scene goes on. Please.
	MIKE: Sure. I only wish it was so easy to get out of watching this 
	myself. 
	(Mike unscrews Tom’s head and sets it carefully on the theater floor.)

>  She screamed most of the way down, and Herc caught her instinctively.  
>	“Wha-?” he began when he noticed Katira was missing her clothing.

	CROW: Still much too easy and debasing. 

>	“Okay.  It’s official.  I’m totally humiliated now.  Look, the 
> sooner you put me down, the sooner I can put something on,” she said.  
> Herc dropped her, and Katira hit the ground with a thud.

	MIKE: Hi, Dalgar! Please, Dalgar, save us from the scene!

>  She flashed

	TOM:  I’d say!
	CROW: Tom?! You can still talk with your head disconnected??
	TOM: Yep! But only in really extenuating circumstances. 

> an annoyed look at Herc before she walked over to her cloak to put it on.  
> Having grown up in almost total solitude, she didn’t mind her nude body 
> so much. 

	(All, including Tom from the floor, shudder convulsively.)

> Herc, on the other hand, was not at all used to this sort of thing, and 
> was almost as embarrassed as Katira had been. She seemed to be almost a 
> walking statue,

	MIKE:  
	Galatea!
	TOM:  Galatea!
	CROW:  Galateaissimo!

> as she went to put on her cloak, white and perfect, 

	TOM: The cloak was dirty, not "white and perfect".
	MIKE: I think it means her body.
	TOM: Well, than it's bad sentence contruction then. And... just plain 
	*wrong*. 

> and missing something to wear.

	MIKE: I’ve shuddered enough already. This is just adding insult to 
	injury.

> Katira quickly dressed, and rejoined her companion for lunch.  

	TOM:  All right, Mike, please reattach my head.
	(Mike does so.)
	TOM: Now that’s more like it. 

> Apparently, the incident hadn’t changed his appetite.
>	“Are you okay?” asked Herc.
>	“Yeah, I’m fine.  Unfortunately, this means I have to make another 
> dress.  Gods, I hate when this happens!” fumed the girl.

	MIKE: We feel your pain, Katira. 
	CROW: Well, not precisely *your* pain, but it’s definitely pain... 

>	“This doesn’t happen often, does it?” queried Herc uneasily.
> 	“Naw, it’s been a few years since it happened last.  I don’t expect 
> to come down like that again for a good long time,” she answered casually, 
> laughing a little.
>	“That’s good.”

	TOM: Of *course* it’s good! That means we don’t have to endure this 
	scene again for a while!

>	“Come on, we’d better eat.  It may be the last meal of the day, but 
> if it isn’t, I hope I don’t have to work that hard to get it. 
> You won’t believe the things I go through for a simple meal,” she said, 
> shaking her head over some memories when she had previously had to scripe 
> for food.  They ate lunch, and yet Herc was surprised she didn’t have any 
> more emotion over her “incident.”

	MIKE: Sorry... at least on my end, it’s all so many brutal repressed 
	memories. 

>  Sure, she’d been annoyed at it happening, but she didn’t express much 
> embarrassment or shame over accidentally getting revealed.  He shrugged 
> and decided he may as well forget about it.  After all, Katira apparently 
> had.  Katira later went back into the Athenian agora to purchase some 
> cloth to make a new dress.  She looked and looked for something that 
> would suit her.  Finally, she saw the perfect material.  She joyfully 
> bought it, and rushed back to her makeshift home to begin work on it.  
> When she got back, night had fallen,

	(M&TB make assorted crashing noises)

> and she started sewing right away on it, totally skipping dinner, which 
> Herc wasn’t exactly pleased about.  He was used to full banquets any time 
> he wished. 

	CROW:  Servant! Pass me a Nut Goody, right now!

> Katira was used to going several days without a bite to eat, and when she 
> found a bite, it was often small.  Despite his hunger, Herc said nothing.  
> Since he was temporarily living with Katira, he decided he’d have to get 
> accustomed to her way of life, within certain boundaries, of course.  
> Katira had been a thief, and he had no intentions of stealing anything, 
> even if it meant starving.

	TOM:  Starving... but... must... obey... scout’s honor... 

> Katira worked for hours, occasionally having conversations with her guest. 

	CROW:  So, how ‘bout them Packers?

> He seemed to just want to make sure he could handle being around Kat after 
> what had happened.
> 	“So, um, Kat, you said you used to know a girl named Meg?” he asked.  
> Kat nodded, keeping her focus on her work.
>	“Mmm-hmm.  We used to be best friends back when we were kids. 

	MIKE: M-hmm. And what was this about an isolated childhood again? 
	It’s sad when a fanfic can’t even keep its inner continuity straight. 

> Haven’t seen her since, and considering what happened the last time I saw 
> her, I have a feeling she’s in no hurry to see me again,” she answered.
>	“What happened?” asked Herc gently, feeling a sort of empathy for her.

	TOM:  Well, you see, she heard I was starring in a crappy 
	fanfic... 

>	“Well, to make a long story short, Meg was dating this guy and did 
> him a rather big favor.  I happened to pass by them shortly afterward, 
> and the next thing I know, he’s ditched Meg and hitting on me! 

	CROW: As the Bastardized Mythology Turns?

> She wasn’t too happy with me for that.  I don’t know why it happened.  
> I mean, these guys just somehow seem to find me!  You know how it is: 
> you barely say ‘hello’, and before you know it he’s trying to pick out 
> curtains!,” 

	MIKE: Were the Greeks even aware of the concept of curtains, or is 
	this just another misplaced anachronism I should ignore for the sake of 
	my own sanity?

> said Kat with a dry laugh.

	ALL: Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah! (Think Krankor laughter here. 
	It’s hard to capture the spirit in text form.)

> A second later, the corners of her smile dropped so that she was just 
> drawing her lips back and showing her teeth in a sort of self-pity.  Herc 
> didn’t bother continuing on that subject.  After some time, Herc started 
> getting drowsy. 

	CROW: So am I...
	MIKE: I think the fanfic does that to you.

He didn’t exactly want to fall asleep during a 
> conversation with his friend, but it was getting late.  Katira noticed.
>	“You know, Herc, you can go to sleep any time you want.  I have total 
> freedom in my home and lifestyle, 

	CROW:  Given as my lifestyle and home involve sewer grates. 

> and so shall all my guests,” she said, never looking up.
>	“Are you sure you won’t mind?” asked Herc.
>	“Nope, won’t mind at all.  You forget, I spent the majority of my 
> life alone.

	TOM: And let me guess, everything she loved, she loved alone, right?
	CROW: I doubt Poe would have associated a perfectly good piece of 
	poetry with this loser. 

>  I won’t care.  Really,” she assured him.
>	“Y’know, Kat,” Herc said shyly, “When I’m with you, I 
> feel...well...safe.” 

	TOM:  Your protective layers of stench cause attackers to 
	flee in terror!

> Kat looked at him strangely, with one eyebrow lifted and the other in a 
> frown.
> 	“Safe?  That’s a new one.  I’ve heard things like feeling happy, 
> lucky, special, and who knows what else, but safe?  Nobody ever said they 
> felt safe with me.  After all, who can feel safe with spontaneous rogues 
> who fall out of trees?” 

	MIKE: I dunno... what about spontaneous rogues who explode out of 
	lockers, scattering shrapnel and Ping-Pong balls in their wake?
	CROW: Dweeb inside joke. For shame, Michael Nelson!

> teased Kat.  He wasn’t sure what to say.  With a shrug and a yawn, Herc 
> fell asleep.  Katira looked at the sleeping hero, and smiled at him.  
> He was so sweet and nice to her.  And handsome.  And strong.  

	CROW: And sentence-fragmenting. 

> And Katira shook her head to erase her daydream.  No way was she going to 
> fall for  another guy, especially not Hercules.  He had another girl at 
> Thebes, and she’d had her heart broken too many times already.

	TOM: Let me guess... she fixed her heart herself, using a rudimentary 
	scalpel and duct tape. 

 > The creeps mistakenly callen men

	MIKE: Erato, do you have issues you’d like to talk through?

>  just seemed to somehow find her; she didn’t go looking for them.  Still, 
> she felt a strong affection for him, and her mind kept wandering back to 
> her rescue that morning.  She felt a wonderful tingling as she remembered 
> the kiss.  

	CROW: I value my RAMchips too much to make a reference there.
	MIKE: If nothing else, this fanfic has helped your conscience 
	immensely. 

> She shook the visions out of her head again, 

	TOM: You know, I heard tinfoil keeps the aliens from talking to you 
	in your head, Katira. 

> and worked as fast as she could on her dress.  After a long time, it was 
> done, and Katira curled up in her skins, and dozed off, dreaming sweet, 
> sweet dreams.
> 	The sun rose, and Katira along with it. 

	MIKE:  Wow, 30 whole minutes of sleep last night!

> She got the last apples off the tree, and then remembered her dress.  
> Luckily, Herc was still snoozing.  She slipped it on, looked at her 
> reflection a few times in the nearby stream, and went to go wake Herc up.  
> She tried shaking him, but it didn’t work.  
>	“Gods, I’ve heard of sleeping like a log, but this is ridiculous!”  
> muttered Kat, as she attempted to wake up Herc.  Exasperated, she finally 
> decided to give him a good hard kick to get him moving. 

	CROW:  Ow! Note to self... kicking logs hurts. 

> It worked, but Katira got an aching foot for several hours.
> 	“Huh?  Oh, hi, Katira,” he began, sitting up.
>	“It’s about time.  Hurry up, or no breakfast for you,” said Katira.  
> She tossed him his apple, and casually kissed his cheek in greeting.  
> Surprised, he looked up at Katira, and for the first time that morning, 
> Herc got a good look at her, and was completely stunned.  For once, her 
> hair was brushed, and hung in shimmering dark ringlets to her waist, with 
> a single white narcissus tucked over her ear.

	MIKE:  Hey, easy, lady! I don’t come in for another 3 
	myths!

>  She was wearing her new dress, made of white satin.

	ALL:  Nerds in white satin... 

>  A belt of gold-braid rope circled her hips, and she played a little with 
> the attached cape. 

	CROW:  See, my cape has the Bat-Signal, the emblem of my 
	undying fight against evil!

> There were splits on both sides of the long skirt up to her knees, and a 
> low, flattering neckline trimmed in gold braid.  Katira was even wearing 
> a slight bit of make-up,

	TOM: She's poor but she can still afford makeup?!
	MIKE: Continuity problem again?
	TOM: No, just lack of common sense.
	MIKE: Speaking of that, how much makeup did they sell in 
	ancient Greece, anyway?

> which made her look even more lovely than ever before. Altogether, the 
> effect was breathtaking, and Herc blinked a few times to make sure he 
> wasn’t dreaming.

	TOM: Hercules pinches himself, and he accidentally hits a 
	pressure point. He dies quickly. The End!

>	“Katira, you look...wonderful!” her said.  Katira just smiled and 
> shrugged one shoulder, flattered.
>	“Thanks,” she said, “Now, are you going to eat or not?”  She sat down 
> beside him, and bit

	CROW: ... me. 

> into her apple.
>	“Oh, yeah, right.  I forgot,” he apologized.  He couldn’t seem to get 
> over Katira’s beauty that morning. Even though he knew he shouldn’t think 
> it, he thought it was too bad he had met Meg before he’d met Katira. After 
> all, Katira was a lot like Meg, and yet so much more. 

	MIKE: More scuzzy, more morally questionable, more just plain 
	*wrong*... 

> Katira was by far lovelier than Meg, as sweet and charming, better skilled, 
> part Olympic god, and just so much, well, better, that he scolded himself 
> for almost falling in love with Katira. 

	TOM:  Bad me! Almost falling in love with a perfect 
	character and a thinly-veiled author avatar!

 > He couldn’t help the strange feelings he was getting for Katira,

	CROW: Nausea?
	MIKE: Ennui?
	TOM: Deep hurting?

> and swore never to show any trace of them.  Katira, at that same moment, 
> was also resolving not to reveal any love like this to her friend. 

	CROW: Ah, that sacred friendship shared by those who have been 
	together just over a day!

> Both finished their apples, and Katira retrieved her purse and flute, 
> but not her cloak.  Together, they headed off to the marketplace.  No 
> teenagers swarmed over them, and they enjoyed the peace.  When they 
> reached an open street corner, Katira took up her flute, and started 
> playing.  Many people stopped to listen, and she received handsome tips

	MIKE: As opposed to repulsive tips oozing pus?

> from her audiences.  The gold fairly piled up at her feet, and Katira’s 
> purse was overflowing by the end of the concert.  For once, she wasn’t 
> penniless and poor.

	CROW: Gee, I could swear just a little while ago Hercules gave her 
	large amounts of gold, therefore allowing her to buy the ridiculously 
	expensive fabric for her new dress! 
	TOM: Take it from the master: thinking too much about continuity kills. 

> She went about the agora, buying whatever caught her fancy, and she was 
> so happy that she could afford it all.  Even after her shopping spree, 
> her pouch was almost bursting with the money.
>	“I don’t believe it!” she exclaimed when they got back to her camp.
>	“You did wonderfully out there,” agreed Herc, smiling proudly at her.  
> Katira smiled back, but soon looked away.  She was losing it for him 
> again, but was getting so exasperated with her own protectiveness

	(M&TB start humming the song “If You Love Them, Set Them Free”)

> that she didn’t care.  After all, she did love him.  To defeat her 
> defensive instincts, she took his hand in hers, and held it firmly.

	MIKE:  So put your hero hand in mine! There ain’t no hill or 
	mountain we can’t climb! Babe... 

>	“Thanks, but without a little support from you, I might not have been 
> able to do it,” she said, looking right into his blue eyes.  His gaze 
> softened into hers,

	CROW:  Aaahhh! My eyes are melting!!

> and despite their minds screaming “No!”, their hearts said “Yes!”, and 
> they kissed.  Not the pretended, rescue type of kiss, but the real kind, 
> filled with real, mutual love.

	TOM: Thrill as they consummate their... uh, at least an hour of 
	unbridled yearning!

> It was a perfect moment, as though they were made for each other, 

	MIKE: Not made. *Written*. Semantic difference. 

> until Katira’s past and Herc’s conscience made them pull away. 

	TOM: ... each other’s clothing...
	MIKE: Crow! No, wait, sorry, reflex. Tom!

> Both overcome with guilt, they looked opposite directions.  Katira bit 
> her lip, her mind saying “I told you so!” Herc could only picture Meg, 
> her heart breaking when she found out about Katira. 

	CROW: That’s what you get if you don’t insist on having a 100% 
	shatterproof Rubbermaid heart!

> Yet, even though they had other things to make them hide it, they didn’t 
> deny that they were in love.  All the same, they finished out the day in 
> a forced, uncomfortable casualness, barely able to look each other in the 
> eye. Katira still knew it was inevitable, and decided to make use of it.  
> She would tell the world if she had to. Herc was asleep, and Katira felt 
> so strange.

	TOM: Hmm... “Katira doesn’t look like himself anymore”?
	MIKE: And the dweeb references just keep coming!

> SONG CUE: 

	ALL: AAAAAAAHHH! HIT THE DECK!!!

> Love Isn’t Easy (original melody)
>
> Katira:
> Daughter of Erato, son of Zeus

	CROW: o/~ Together in flagrant myth abuse... o/~
	 
> There’s something between us
> And that’s the truth

	TOM: o/~ It’s a badly done plot, cheesy and uncouth o/~

> I never knew it could happen 
> Again to me

	MIKE: o/~ A gods-awful fanfic for all to see o/~

> But here I am for all of Greece to see

	CROW: o/~ Say, what’s behind Door #3 o/~
	TOM: o/~ Crow stretches his riffs for all to see o/~
	CROW: o/~ C’mon, buddy, be nice to me o/~
	TOM: o/~ Make your riffs better and then we’ll see o/~
	MIKE: o/~ Be nice or those RAMchips you’ll never see o/~
	BOTS o/~ OK, we’ve killed the joke anyway, and we don’t care if this 
	line rhymes o/~

> Oh

	TOM:  ... my God, you killed Kenny!

> No one said love was easy
> And no one called it hard

	MIKE: o/~ Love is a many-mediocritied thing... o/~

> I’m just being played with by Fate
> Another broken heart
> Another bad dream

	CROW: o/~ Maybe I should stop eating all those anchovie pizzas 
	before bedtime o/~
	TOM: That didn’t rhyme.
	CROW: Bite me. 

> Why were we brought together?

	MIKE: I dunno, did it have anything to do with covalent bonds?

> Could luck be so unkind?
> It never turns out right

	TOM: o/~ And when it does turn right, it never turns on its 
	turn signal o/~
	CROW: *Now* who’s not rhyming?
	MIKE: Remember what I said about the RAMchips, guys?
	BOTS: Yes, Human.
	MIKE: That’s better. 

> Nor any other time

	CROW: o/~ Um, Erato, ‘kind’ and ‘time’ don’t rhyme o/~

> No

	MIKE: Just say NO to bastardized mythology! 

> Love isn’t easy
> But love isn’t hard
> For some it’s soft and breezy

	TOM: *New* from RonCo: Love with Air-Cushion Padding!

> For me, it’s just another pain
> Another rain

	CROW: o/~ This story is circling the drain o/~
	MIKE: o/~ It’s hard finding comments that aren’t profane o/~
	TOM: o/~ This song is worse than being run over by a train o/~

> It’s coming again all over
> I’m losing common sense

	MIKE:  Oh, wait, I had no common sense in the first place! 
	Oopsie!

> Why would he want a poor girl?

	CROW:  
	I’m just a poor girl; nobody loves me!
	MIKE and TOM:  She’s just a poor girl without any family! 

> Why pick me?
>
> Love isn’t easy
> Love isn’t hard
> It comes out of nowhere
> Sweeps you into its arms
> So warm and sweet and strong
>
> Beauty has its curses

	MIKE: Yeah? Name *one*.

> I know it’s true
> I’ll be wanted until my wedding day
> The day I say “I do”

	TOM: Ah, those refreshing Judeo-Christian wedding ceremonies in 
	ancient Greece!

> But would love do it to me again?

	(M&TB start humming “Do It to Me One More Time” by the Captain & 
	Tennille)

> Love isn’t easy
> Love can be hard

	CROW: The moral of the story? Love sucks! Be a bitter recluse!

> Love’s tales are told
> By every single bard

	MIKE: o/~ This is more nauseating than unrefined lard o/~

> And it sounds so wonderful
> Unless you know the difference
> No, no

	TOM: "No!! No!!" My exact reaction to this song!

> Love isn’t easy
> Love never was
> I know I can’t conceal it
> It’s so obvious I feel it
> No
>
> When flowers start arriving

	CROW:  Black flowers? Let me guess, Hercules, you swiped them 
	from that funeral down the street. 
	MIKE:  Well, hey, who’s gonna notice?

> My mind begins the striving
> To keep me safe and naive
> Ha, but do I listen?
> No, of course I don’t!
> I’m such a fool

	TOM: If you’re a fool, you probably have the whole naive thing down. 
	
> Love isn’t easy
> Love’s just too hard
> But I just can’t still the frenzy
> Of my wildly beating heart

	MIKE: Ha ! Those Greeks and their wacky cardiovascular diseases!
	CROW:  Hmm... there’s that thumping again... maybe I 
	shouldn’t have killed that old man and buried him under the floor... 

> I love him!
> I love him!

	ALL:  And where he goes I’ll follow! 
	I’ll follow!

> Yes, I know it’s true

	TOM:  You really *can’t* believe it’s not butter!

> I love him!
> I love him!
> But what am I to do?

	CROW:  Whatever you do, don’t tell 
	Chico! If he hears that you are carrying on with a Jet... 

> Honey, if you’re list’nin’

	MIKE:  He misses you! And he’s being goooooood!

> Don’t think me bad
> The future’s startin’ to glisten
> Like a sparkling wishing star
> And it makes me feel so sad

	TOM:  Baaaad fanfic... always makes me cry... 

> Love isn’t easy
> I know it’s true
> And even if I know it’s wrong
> I think I’ll follow it
> Through
> ***

	CROW: o/~ And I am the walrus, koo koo chichoo o/~
	TOM: Let’s go, Mike. 

	[They leave the Theater.] 

    Source: geocities.com/timessquare/lair/1868/MiSTings

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