Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000 - Episode 101b
"The Emperor that Wouldn't Die", or "Nietzsche as Applied to Author Avatars"
Original story by Aeolus
MiSTing by Amanda Van Rhyn
TURN DOWN YOUR STAR-GLASS
(where applicable)
In the not-so-distant future -
Several Sundays from now, A.D. -
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Were living high fantasy!
They finally got a vacation,
But Pearl and the gang had to have their fun,
So they got some guys from the planet’s face -
They bribed ‘em with some pipeweed and they shot ‘em into space!
("BAMF!")
"We’ll send them cheesy .txt files -
The worst we can find! ("Nanana!")
They’ll have to sit and read them all
And we’ll monitor their minds!" ("Nanana!")
Now keep in mind these dudes aren’t sure
What to do with posts so inane -
They may get some good riffs in,
Or they may just go insane.
(sound effect) - LOOK, MA! ROLL CALL!
CAMBOT ("PRIORITY ONE DUNADAIN...")
ROSIE ("Donna Reed, eat your heart out!")
FRODO ("Something silly this way comes.")
SAAAAAM! ("How deep was my hurting?")
If you’re wondering "Why the dumb pastiche?"
And other MiSTing facts,
Just repeat to yourself, this is just plain text,
I should really just relax...
For Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000!
[The MEST3K Door Sequence:
1 is the standard vault door with a picture of the Lidless Eye in
the center.
2 is a band of Orcs. They run away as you get closer.
3 is the Gates of Moria. They open with the magic password thingy.
4 is a cheesy pasteboard version of Smaug. One punch and it's down.
5 is a stone troll. A talc one, to be exact. It crumbles.
6 is the door of Bag End, complete with Gandalf-vandalized paint job.
7 is the standard dog-bone door (d'oh!). And we open to...]
[Scene: SoL Bridge. Strider, Sam and Frodo are all out (in costume).
Strider has a pointer in his hand. There's an easel and display board set up
near stage left; the board is essentially a line graph showing the relative
progress of various non-traditional MiSTing series (Kazei 5, MWT3K, etc.,
including MEST3K). All the lines are stable or rising except for the MEST3K
line; it's dropping like a rock. Strider looks concerned.]
STRIDER: OK, guys, I just got in our progress report. Of all the
alternate MiSTing settings, this one is dead last! Can anyone explain
this to me?
FRODO: Well, Strider, do you think it could be we've only done one
episode so far?
SAM: Or maybe that we're getting steamrolled because we're a startup
series for geeks going against established series starring wrestlers,
sex symbols, and other such mass-market attractions?
STRIDER: Let me think here. Hmm... (He thinks for a split second at
best.) No. What this means is that we need to work harder!
[The hobbits groan.]
STRIDER: To begin our trek, I've gotten us a very special fic to
practice on today! It's... um, well, you'll just have to see.
FRODO: Uh oh.
STRIDER: Into the theater with ye! We're gonna riff this thing if it
kills us!
SAM: And knowing Strider's taste in fics, it probably
*will*...
[The Fanfic Sign goes off.]
FRODO: We've got Fanfic Sign!
[Reverse Door Sequence]
[Scene: SoL Theater. S&TH get settled. For those of you who don't
remember the seating order from last episode, it has Frodo in Tom's seat,
Strider in Mike's, and Sam in Crow's.]
STRIDER: Let the target practice begin!
> <1235/1235 1088/1239 500/500 505873 532>
FRODO: And, to start out our story on a light note, a line of
meaningless gibberish!
SAM: Hey, it blends in perfectly...
> You are currently reading from the RolePlay notes box.
STRIDER: "Roleplaying" - allowing power-hungry munchkins to commit
crimes against fantasy and storytelling for over 20 years!
> [ 1] Aeolus: The War Emperor
FRODO: The War Emperor? My, he certainly thinks well of himself.
STRIDER: Actually, I picture him as more of a Caligula.
> faces the Dark Lord.
FRODO: How can he 'face' Sauron? Sauron's just one big eye!
SAM: He must have manifested in human form... with the trademark nine
fingers, no less.
FRODO: I'd say something here, but I try not to get into inter-team
fights before the fanfic gets past the title.
> Sat Dec 12 15:29:46 1998
SAM: A day that shall live in infamy, I'm sure...
> To: all
STRIDER: "CC: Theater_victims@sol.com"
> Aeolus Morningkill,
(S&TH start laughing.)
FRODO: "Morningkill"? He's a great War Emperor and the best
last name he could think up was Morningkill?
STRIDER: It sounds like he just used a random superhero name
generator...
SAM: Hey, the early bird gets the Morningkill!
FRODO: Well, it could be worse! He could be Aeolus MorningPerson...
ALL: Gah!
> Demonknight
STRIDER: No, not another nasty English demon-kniggit!
> of the First Legion,
SAM: He calls himself the War Emperor and he's only gotten one legion
together so far? Manw', talk about your slackers...
> War Emperor of the Crimson Lords,
FRODO: And wielder of the most destructive weapon in the
world: His own ego!
STRIDER: The Crimson Lords. Our motto: You can get any uniform color
you want, as long as it's red.
> was honing his skills
SAM: Hey! Should be be doing his, uh, sword-polishing on camera like
that?
STRIDER: Dammit! You cameramen should know not to come
barging in here while I'm, um, you know...
> when he heard a snap of wings and the sounds footfalls.
FRODO: Yep, those footfalls were so strong that they obliterated
several prepositions in their path!
> Standing before his mount was a Nazgul,
ALL: Dunh dunh DUNH!
> cloaked in shadows.
SAM: Luckily for us, the Nazgul was also wearing a trenchcoat...
> With the two piercing red dots he had
STRIDER: Hey, Aeolus, whaddaya think of my new laser
pointers?
> for eyes, the nazgul stared at Aeolus.
FRODO: You blinked! Now you shall die!
> 'Aeolus Morningkill,
SAM: You are hereby booted out of the forces of evil
because, dangit, your name's just too goofy...
> the dark lord himself requests your presence in his homeland.'
STRIDER: He requests that you bring a side dish for the
Annual Evil Potluck.
> So said the nazgul in a voice barely louder than a whisper that seemed to
> fill the room.
FRODO: If a Nazgul's whispering fills the room and only a Morningkill
is there to hear it, does anyone care?
SAM: Not here!
> With the hellfire gleaming off his armor
STRIDER: Ooh, looks like someone Turtle Waxed the ol' platemail.
> and reflecting in his eyes, Aeolus nodded and grimly accepted the challenge.
FRODO: I shall go where few munchkins have gone before!
> A hush fell over Mordor as Aeolus boldly entered the land of shadows.
SAM: Down in front! Down in front!
STRIDER: Did you have to barge in here with your bloody
hellfire?! Some of us were trying to get to sleep!
FRODO: Sheesh, those author avatars, no respect for an
Uruk's right to get a good night's rest...
> Orcs and southrons and even the fire beasts
SAM: ... all ganged up to squash Aeolus like a grape. The end.
> offerred him no opposition.
STRIDER: Well, one would hope that even orcs knew not to mess with
an S-I...
> Soon he was at the gate of Sauron's tower, the dreaded Barad-Dur.
FRODO: Unfortunately, the knocker was broken, so he had to use the
Barad-durbell instead. Ba-dum-boom!
> Now the challenge was to begin....
SAM: Well, you should start from the beginning. It's the very best
place to start.
> Short work
STRIDER: ... A job for hobbits?
SAM: Has anyone ever told you you're a speciesist, Strider?
> was made of the were-worm and Aeolus made his way further up the
> dark tower.
STRIDER: It was ultimately the Muzak in the express
elevator that would defeat him, however...
> Sauron's minions
FRODO: Ooh! Look! Witless minions!
SAM: They *must* be witless if they think they have a chance against
Wonder Avatar...
> attempted to stop him but he was filled with
STRIDER: ... hubris?
> a determination that did not allow for defeat.
STRIDER: Oh.
FRODO: Well, the fact that he had an author who decided to make him
all-powerful helped a little, I think.
> On and on he battled,
SAM: ... valiantly trying the patience of the readers...
> fight after fight he slowly reached the pinnacle of the tower,
FRODO: And run-on after run-on he reached the end of the grammar
flamer's fuse...
> The Iron Crown, Sauron's Chambers.
STRIDER: I'm pretty sure that's wrong...
SAM: Who cares? Watch Aeolus kill things!
> There he was... the one Red eye turned its gaze upon Aeolus.
FRODO: Are you the door-to-door Visine salesman?
> Aeolus had fought countless foes before, but never one so full of menace
STRIDER: Ah, that pesky Sauron, always playing pranks on Mr.
Wilson!
> and and utter evil, a being to more than rival the darkness of Aeolus
> himself,
SAM: Dangit, why didn't I just pay the electricity bills?
> Sauron.
>
> There was no time for thought as Sauron uttered his incantations
FRODO: Wait! If Sauron is in Lidless Eye form, how can he "utter"?
STRIDER: I think it's plot-hole magic, personally.
(Suddenly, on the word 'magic', sappy cheery music begins flooding
the theater. It's remarkably similar to, if not the same as, the music that
always played on the arrival of an elf or magical being in any of the
animated versions of Tolkien's work. Frodo and Sam freeze, then cover their
ears.)
SAM: Bad... music... my powers... weakening...
FRODO: Make it stop, Mommy! Make the bad music stop!
(As abruptly as it began, the music stops. The hobbits uncover their
ears.)
SAM: Well, *that* was surreal.
STRIDER: "Make it stop, Mommy!"?
FRODO: It's really quite a long story.
> and worked his magics on Aeolus.
STRIDER: MORDOR SCEPTER ELIMINATION!
> Working on instinct alone Aeolus wielded his weapon,
SAM: Um, is our "hero" acting on the *right* instincts here?
STRIDER: Oh my.
> The Divine Might of the Crimson Empire,
SAM: Hoo boy. I'm not even going to say anything there.
> and prepared to fight the dark lord of Mordor to the death.
FRODO: Well, seeing as he's a mortal dueling with a Maia, it could
be a long fight...
STRIDER: Yeah, he should challenge the ol' Lidless Eye to a fight
where he has a better chance of winning. Like, say, a staring
contest.
> There was only one way out, through Sauron.
SAM: Unfortunately, Sauron just had his retinas locked.
> Many times Aeolus was near death, Sauron was by far the strongest
> opponent he had ever faced.
FRODO: And he's *surprised*? Sheesh, talk about your hubris!
> The hours passed and each second seemed an eternity.
SAM: Wow! He has to read the fic too! Although, in our case, it's
more like a *sentence* being an eternity...
> Mindlessly he attacked and countered attacked,
STRIDER: Y'know, maybe I'd do better if I stopped countering
my own attacks...
> seeking for an opening in Sauron's defense.
FRODO: Try the pupil, big guy!
> Aeolus thought the duel would never end,
SAM: And we thought the *story* would never end...
> but he had advantages that Sauron did not.
STRIDER: For one, he was an author avatar, which meant he could
crush all of Middle-Earth in about a minute if he felt like it.
FRODO: Don't give Aeolus ideas...
> He had a relentless determination
SAM: Must... act... munchkiny!
> but more importantly, he had the might of the Crimson Empire in his hands.
STRIDER: He's got the whole empire in his hands...
> For a moment Sauron allowed his fatigue
FRODO: See? Not even Maiar can resist Nyquil.
> to cause him to drop his guard,
STRIDER: HELP! I lost my contact!
> it was only a moment that Aeolus needed. With a scream of fury
ALL: HIKEEBA!
> the War Emperor brought down The Divine Might of the Crimson Empire
SAM: So, basically, the might of his great empire is just a really
big beatdown stick. Suuuuuuuuuure.
STRIDER: You know, the Divine Might of the Crimson Empire is like a
storm raging inside you...
> on Sauron. Empowered by his
SAM: ... author...
> will and determination the attack brought death to Sauron.
FRODO: NO! Sauron's a powerful Maia! You can't permanently "kill"
him, damnit! It DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!
(As steam builds up in Frodo's Servo-dome, it rockets off his head
and into the ceiling.)
STRIDER: Uh oh. At least the fic's almost done so we don't need a
replacement dome...
SAM: Think of it this way, Frodo... once Sauron re-materializes,
he'll be able to put the hurting on Aeolus so deeply that he'll
never be able to write a crummy fic again!
FRODO: Ooh... that's a nice thought.
> Triumphant at last, Aeolus howled in victory.
STRIDER: Now I have his colored contact, and with it I shall
RULE... THE... WORLD! BWAHAHAHA!
> The Dark Lord challenged him,
SAM: Yeah, some 'challenge'.
STRIDER: Halt, knave! Your Murine or your life!
> and the Dark Lord paid the price of all those who opposed the
> Crimson Empire, Death.
(S&TH all start laughing.)
FRODO: Oh, no! Avatar-boy's
gonna come kill us because we taunted him! Oh, I'm *so* scared!
STRIDER: I pity the foo' who messes with the Crimson Empire!
> Glory to the Crimson Empire!
SAM: Glory and... mocking at the hands of hobbits!
FRODO: Fortunately, in "War Emperor vs. Dark Lord II: Battle Royale",
Sauron ends up wooping up on Aeolus with help from MaiarCrafters.
STRIDER: MaiarCrafters. Making your lidless eyes in about an hour.
FRODO: And, of course, the energy of... Melkor Flakes!
(S&TH exit.)
[Door Sequence]
[Scene: SoL Bridge.]
SAM: Well, that was a painful little experience.
FRODO: (nods gravely) Um, Strider...
STRIDER: What?
FRODO: ... are you a sadist?
STRIDER: No, of course not! It's just I... uh,
well, I had no idea Aeolus was that *bad*, and, uh... Look! New progress reports!
[They all look towards the easel and display board. It appears as if
the MEST3K line has crept a tiny bit up the graph.]
SAM: We IMPROVED! WOOHOO!
[S&TH begin clapping, cheering, and high (well, low) fiving each other
as the screen goes dark. Right before the credits roll. Suddenly, we hear...]
FRODO: Well, *we're* easily amused.
[And cue the credits!]
KIDS COME RUNNIN' FOR THE RICH TASTE OF CREDITS!
Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000
Episode 101b: "The War Emperor Fights the Dark Lord",
a.k.a. "The Emperor that Wouldn't Die".
Original document by Aeolus
MiSTing by Amanda Van Rhyn
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" created by Joel Hodgson
"The Hobbit", "The Lord of the Rings", "The Silmarillion", and all
other things pertaining to Middle-Earth created by
J. R. R. Tolkien
This MiSTing was done without permission from Aeolus; sadly, he's almost
a certified net.kook, so I decided it wasn't worth asking. Although I
tried not to be too offensive, I'd like to apologize if I hurt his
widdle bitty feelings.
The original document was found on a message board on Mirkwood MUD,
which is really a spiffy place. Telnet over to mirkwood.bplanet.com 4000
if you'd like to check it out.
The Fevered Little Minds site, home of the MEST3K Page, is at
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Lair/1868/MiSTings/
Special Thanks:
- Sadly, none. This was a short, painful MiSTing; I braved through it all
by my lonesome...
[Disclaimer: "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and all characters,
settings, situations, or anything thereof is (c) Best Brains, Inc. All stuff
Middle-Earthy is (c) J.R.R. Tolkien and/or his estate and/or whoever owns
the copyright now. All other copyrighted stuff is (c) its owners. All
rights reserved. No copyright infringement is intended: I don't own any of
these things and never will. Please don't sue me; you wouldn't get anything.
No offense is meant to anyone. This was done in the spirit of fun. All
characters, places, or situations mentioned anywhere in this MiSTing or the
report itself are either fictitious or used fictitiously. All resemblence to
reality is coincidental.
Do not read this MiSTing while operating heavy machinery.]
[Legal Stuff: This MiSTing of "The War Emperor Meets the Dark Lord" is
(C) Amanda Van Rhyn and Fevered Little Minds Productions, 1999. This MiSTing
can be freely distributed provided you give me and Aeolus the credit we're
due, contact me beforehand, and don't mutilate it. Meta-MiSTing isn't
mutilation if you ask me first. Post this at any archive, anywhere; I
couldn't care less about your Web site host or ISP. Do not fold, spindle, or
submerge in water.]
> Working on instinct alone Aeolus wielded his weapon, The Divine Might of
> the Crimson Empire, and prepared to fight the dark lord of Mordor to the
> death.
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