TURN DOWN YOUR MONITOR BRIGHTNESS
(where applicable)
MiSTing: "Surrogate"
Original Story by Paul Sampson
MiSTed by Amanda Van Rhyn
[Scene: The SoL Bridge. Tom has his back to the camera as he labors
over something on center stage; we can see that a screwdriver is strapped
into one hand and a crescent wrench into the other. As he backs away from his
project to stage right, we can see that he's been working on what looks
like a third-scale model of Crow, right down to the Floraliers. Just as Tom's
surveying his handiwork, Mike enters from stage right.]
MIKE: Hidey-ho there, Cambot. As usual, it's me, Mi--
[Mike, not paying attention, walks into Tom's project. The mini-Crow
wobbles for a second and then falls to the ground with a small crash.]
TOM: Oh, Mike, you big carbon-based oaf! Look what you've done now!
I've been working on that all morning!
MIKE: Oh. Sorry, Tom. Here, I'll pick it up...
[Mike kneels down and sets the mini-Crow back upright. It, being made of
sturdy all-American plastic, doesn't look any worse for wear.]
MIKE: ... okay, I'll ask. Servo, why are you building a miniature model
Crow out here?
TOM: Oh, it's more than just a miniature model Crow! It's... the
Crow-Tron 5001! The most realistic Crow T. Robot simulator in the
universe!
MIKE: Um... but we have Crow here. Why do we need a Crow simulator?
TOM: Silly Mike, Crow simulators have many utilities beyond the obvious!
Here, I'll demonstrate. Push the button on its back.
[Mike does so, obediently. The Crow-Tron's eyes, which have until now
been 'closed', flip open with a *click*, and the Crow-Tron begins to speak.
The voice is fairly obviously synthesized, but it's a reasonable approximation
of the real Crow's. Mike stands back and starts listening.]
CROW-TRON: Bite me! It's fun!
TOM: See? Complete T. Robot-emulation technology! But there's so much
more!
CROW-TRON: You know you want me, baby!
TOM: You see, Mike, the Crow-Tron also has advanced next-generation
Artificial Intelligence -- or "Ayyye-Eyyye," as we call it 'in the
business' -- to improve your Crow experience! It can observe what its
users and the overall environment expects from their Crow interaction and
adapt accordingly!
MIKE: Well, um, I suppose that's nice and all, but I still don't think--
TOM: Oh, hush! You simply can't accept the miracles of modern technology!
CROW-TRON: Yeah, I'd interface with her input jack any day of the week...
MIKE: ... is it *supposed* to be saying that?
TOM: Er... well, yes! Isn't it the sort of thing Crow would say?
MIKE: Actually --
CROW-TRON: Sex! Sex! Sex! Teehee!
TOM: See?! It's got to be picking up excess perversion levels from its
environment, *Mike!* Nonetheless, it behaves exactly as Crow would!
You're just jealous of my science!
[Tom hovers off stage right in a huff. The Crow-Tron runs after him, in
a chorus of "It's all right, we can just cuddle! It happens to a lot of bots!
Have you ever considered Viagra?"]
MIKE: Well, then. Anyway. We'll be right back.
[Cut to commercial: we fade back in on what looks like a
dog's-eye-view camera of an insanely crowded, vaguely dystopian street scene.
The dog rushes through the crowd, and we hear a voiceover in a stereotypical
'dog' voice.
DOG: Boy, life in this overcrowded society of suffering sure is tough!
I hope I find my master soon! Besides, I smell... Soylent Green!
[The dog-cam rushes into an alleyway and towards a human figure (well, a
pair of human legs) standing near the end.]
DOG: Master! Master! Pleeeeeeease, give me some of your food! I really
WANNA eat people! Pleeeeeeeease!
MASTER: Good boy. Here you go.
[The human pulls a few strips of greenish jerky-like stuff from a pouch
labeled "Soyl'nt Strips" (conveniently at camera level, of course), which the
dog eats happily.]
DOG: Yay! Chewy, yummy, lentil-y, green, post-apocalyptic-y PEOPLE! People
people people people!
[Fade in the caption: "Soyl'nt Strips. Dogs don't know it's not
people."]
[Now, back to the SoL Bridge. Mike is still alone.]
MIKE: C'mon, Tom, stop sulking! Honestly, it's a lovely juvenile innuendo
dispenser, really it is... (He sighs.) I think it's a lost cause.
[Crow enters from stage left, carrying a plate with a sandwich on it.]
CROW: Oh, hey, Mike. We're out of peanut butter and honey. The Mads
haven't called yet, have they?
MIKE: Not yet, but you did miss --
[The Mad Light starts blinking.]
MIKE: -- oh, there they are now. Hello, sirs?
[Scene: Deep 13. Frank is seated at a card table in the foreground; he's
reading a book entitled _My Dinner With Ed Gein: A True Story_. Dr. Forrester
is standing behind the table, eagerly taking notes before looking up at the
SoL's hail.]
DR. F: Ground control to Major Malfunction? Oh, there you are. As you can
see, I'm currently a bit preoccupied with my latest evil experiment.
[SoL. Tom is back with the group now, as is his wont.]
MIKE: Um... okay, I'll take your word for it.
[Deep 13.]
DR. F: Feh. I figured you wouldn't be able to see my latest development
in subtle, understated, tasteful evil experiments. [He cups his hand to
his mouth in the universal gesture of 'shhh, big secret' and starts
whispering hoarsely.] I told Frank I was giving him a 'day off' - hehe -
and, as I predicted, he had nowhere to spend it but here. Now I'm making
observations about how someone with no life spends his free time. [He
ceases the gesture and amplifies his voice.] So, Frank! How's the true
crime book going?
FRANK: Oh, pretty good! I'm still not sure whether or not the
first-person narrator will survive her dinner with Gein, though!
DR. F: [returning to his 'whisper' gesture and voice] See? Perfect, isn't
it? Anyway, today's little chunk of nothing is precisely that; it's a
Ranma 1/2 story called "Surrogate", with a made-for-TV-movie's worth of
plot twist in a convenient spamfic package. You and the Amazing Performing
Adding Machines should waste a few hankies. Don't weep *too* loudly.
[SoL. And cue Movie Sign.]
MIKE: And that's Movie Sign, guys. Remember, ours is not to wonder why,
ours is but to riff or die...
[Door Sequence. M&tB get seated just as the fic begins to roll...]
> Paul Sampson
>
> Surrogate.
MIKE: James Surrogate. I've got a license to kill... with
Ranmafic.
> By: Paul Sampson
CROW: Ah, so when you cut off his hair, all his writing power disappears?
> Proofreader: David Azure
TOM: Boy, he must be feeling *blue*! Hoo hoo!
> Ranma and Co.
MIKE: Aw, come on! You're making it sound like a wacky '80's sitcom!
TOM: "Tonight on 'Ranma and Co.,' Kasumi decides to adopt a stray puppy!
But what happens when the adorable pooch becomes a 'paws'-ative monster?
The entire family learns something about life and love!"
> are owned by Mrs. Takahashi and other people who might have some claim to
> the series.
CROW: You know, "other people" is now a legally binding phrase in
copyright law...
TOM: Hey! I'm an "other person"! Does this mean I own Ranma 1/2 now?
> I hope they don't resent me for this. Please don't sue, you won't get much.
> I have a nice paperclip if you really want it.
MIKE: Mmm, free paper clip...
> ***
TOM: Three stars?! Geez, what was Leonard Malt -
CROW: Oh, it's been done to death.
> "As far as I'm concerned, " Akane stated, "Our engagement
> Never Happened."
TOM: Notice how I've gained the ability to Regulate my Capitals!
> She jumped up and ran, tears in her eyes.
>
> "Come on Akane, don't be this way," yelled Ranma running
> after her, "It's not what you think."
CROW: Oh, look, a generic Akane-Ranma argument. What an original way to
start a Ranma fanfic! I would have never guessed it!
TOM: Honestly, Akane, the only thing even remotely appealing
about Kodachi are her huuuuuge... tracts of land!
> Akane didn't answer. "Akane, I did _Not_ sleep with
> Shampoo," still no answer,
MIKE: The brain you are attempting to reach
is temporarily out of service. Please hang up and dial again. This is a
recording.
> "I was drugged, when I woke up she was, well _there_ nud--- next to me,"
> Akane kept running,
TOM: Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
CROW: C'mon, Ranma, use the GUN!
> "I DIDN'T SLEEP WITH HER,
MIKE: At no time were we actually sleeping! wait, that didn't
come out right.
> please stop we can talk about this?"
TOM: In the middle of the street? So the entire Nerima district
will know our private affairs within the hour? Please, honey?
> Ranma was close to catching her, so close his fingers slid
> across her arm.
MIKE: Practicing for the greased P-chan competition, are we, Ranma?
> She pulled ahead again when suddenly SMASH,
CROW: "Ness tried PSI Rockin' Beta! SMAAAASH! 358 damage to Akane!"
> Akane was swept away from Ranma by an eighteen wheel transport.
[Pause. And somewhere, a cricket chirps.]
TOM: All right, I'll say it. "And then suddenly Akane was hit by a
truck. The End."
> "NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
MIKE: Poor Ranma; he always picks the moment *after* the tragedy to kick
into Super Slo-Mo.
> Ranma ran to her side, to as she landed.
CROW: AKAAAANE, NNNOOOO *WHUMP* Ow! Hey, watch your air
speed velocity, you kawaiikune tomboy!
> "Akane don't die Akane I love you pleasedon'tdie." he jabbered.
TOM: And wockied.
MIKE: Dirty Frank! NO!
> "R..an..ma, listen, I... love you too, could you do me one
> last thing?" Akane asked weakly, life draining from her body.
CROW: I'...ve g-got some...thing... to... say! I... killed
your... baby... today!
> "Anything, just don't die, I need you!, don't die," Ranma
> was close to hysterics.
>
> "Find ... away to uni...te our families, ... please."
MIKE: Oh, that's easy! We've just gotta become star-crossed
lovers and then take our ... hey, we've got half of it already!
> ***
>
> "Whaaaaaaaaaa."
TOM: Oh, look! It's Soun!
> "I'm coming Akane,"
[Another moment of silence. Mike turns his head and coughs; the bots say
nothing.]
> Ranma got out of bed and went to his daughter's crib.
TOM: Um...?
CROW: Whoa, guys, looks like we got caught in the mother of all scene
changes there!
> He looked at his late wife's namesake and smiled.
>
> He raised the pitcher of cold water. He dumped it on his
> head and fed her daughter.
MIKE: Guys, I'm completely lost. And I don't think I wanna be found.
CROW: Oh, I *wish* I was lost...
> Smiling wistfully, she looked around
> the room. Akane's old room, now his and their daughter's.
TOM: Y'know, even if I am preserving this room as a shrine
to my late beloved, maybe I *should* get rid of the Manson posters.
> Glancing at the pictures on the desk Ranma saw the wedding
> photo, her male self at Akane's hospital bed. Akane was smiling
> just days before she died.
MIKE: Actually, she was *going* to make a full recovery from the car
accident, but Nabiki had a few Yakuza friends show up to 'maintain the
tone'...
> The baby finished and Ranma dressed herself and little
> Akane. Then they headed down stairs.
>
> "Hello Ranma, want me to hold Akane for you?"
TOM: Hey, sur-- ew, NO, Happosai!
> "Thanks Nabiki," answered Ranma, giving his sister-in-law a
> kiss on the forehead, while handing over the baby. Ranma had
> grown a (new) respect for Nabiki these last ten or so months.
CROW: Along with growing a few other new things, obviously...
> Thinking back, Ranma admitted to hi- herself that she had
> Nabiki to thank for his daughter. She paid for all the medical
> costs for little Akane, isn't modern science wonderful,
MIKE: This fanfic sponsored by Science. Science -- ask for it
wherever you live or work!
> and was a big help through it all.
TOM: Yeah, she got the, erm, samples from Kuno and everything!
> Ranma headed towards the kitchen for a snack. Passing her
> father, and father-in-law she looked over and smiled. Soun put a
> brave face on, obviously he was crying again, he's been doing it
> more and more often since the funeral.
CROW: Wait a second... you've got to be kidding! Soun crying for a
*good* reason in a Ranma story?
> Her father, human form,he just nodded approvingly. Ranma's dad was still
> proud of her decision, and he does love his granddaughter.
TOM: In fact, he'd already promised her in marriage to five baby sons of
rival schools! That wacky Genma!
> Ranma got a snack from Kasumi, reclaimed her daughter and
> went up towards the bath, stopping only slightly to look at a
> picture of her pregnant self from a few months back.
MIKE: ... um. Well, I suppose that's nice and all, story, but would you
mind explaining what you're getting at to the audience? We're about two
steps from wandering over to the other theater to see if the Disney
movie is less complicated...
TOM: Uh, Mike? We don't have another theater.
MIKE: So?
> Tofu had protested strongly and at great length against the
> fertalization. Ranma could have been seriously harmed. Even
> though her fiancess had after trying to stop them.
CROW: What, you mean you don't want me to have a child as a
symbol of peace and the joining of two families? I'll KICK your ASS, man!
> But the birth was somehow a sucess, and Ranma decided to name her new child
> after her orginal mother.
MIKE: Besides, "Kodachi Kuno Jr." didn't have a nice ring to it.
> Ranma-chan eased open the bathroom door,
> deciding to drop by Uuchan's later tomorrow with Akane. Uuchan
> just adored the kid.
TOM: Yeah, we all know how much women love babies named after the
romantic rivals that have destroyed their lives!
> Ranma smiled. It did bring out her maternal
> side. She was cute when juggling babies, food orders, and grease
> fires.
MIKE: Besides, Ranma figured he should celebrate little Akane's recovery
from her third-degree burns...
> She tickled Akane's stomace and closed the door.
>
>
> -------------
> fin
>
> How did ya like it. Please put the gun away, blood isn't a
> good thing.
CROW: C'mon! What else are we going to store our fresh brains in?
TOM: I prefer Mason jars, actually.
CROW: ... you're a very strange, strange little 'bot, Mr. Servo.
> I think the title is a little off, I wasn't sure
> what to call it so David named it. I still think it's a little off.
MIKE: Actually, the entire story is so off that it has no
concept of what 'on' is, but let's go with the 'a little off' idea.
> I've always wondered what Ranma would do if Akane was
> to ever die. I thought that he'd find a way to always remind him of
> her.
TOM: Maybe carrying her picture in his wallet, donating money
to a charity in her memory, having a child and naming it after her...
y'know, the usual.
> What better way then a child. If you want me to make it clear how Ranma
> got pregnent ask, or use you're imagination it's not that hard.
CROW: Well, I *would*, but my imagination just threatened to go on
strike. Something about conditions above and beyond the contract or
something...
> C&C will be read and some replied to, flames will be left to burn till
> they are ashes, ashes left till they are dust, and dust left for no one.
TOM: So... uh... if you wanna flame no one, forward it to him?
> "All things are simple at heart, it is in the minds of mortals that
> they are made indecipherable." -Unknown (to me at least)
CROW: Made indecipherable in the mind of mortals? So, like half the
sentences in the story?
TOM: *rimshot!*
> http://members.tripod.com/~PaulSamp/index.txt
> earthbind@usa.net
CROW: Earthbind? The author works for Giygas?
> Paul Sampson signing off
MIKE: Remember, kids, tune in next week for more Sampson! Same Sampson
Time, Same Sampson Channel!
> TTFN!!!!
>
> (A)bort
> (R)etry
> (G)rab_Hammer
TOM: ARG, indeed... [they file out of the theater.]
[Door Sequence]
[Scene: SoL Bridge. Mike is standing near stage left, carrying a plate
with two slices of bread, a nearly-empty jar of peanut butter, and a near-empty
squeeze bottle of honey. He begins to use the dregs of the peanut butter and
honey to make a sandwich when Crow enters from stage right, holding hands (er,
claws) with something that looks remarkably like the Crow-Tron 5001. However,
this version has been enameled metallic pink, and its Ping-Pong Ball eyes
are light blue.]
MIKE: Oh, hey, Crow. Turns out there's actually enough stuff left for one
more sandwi-- uh, Crow?
CROW: Oh, hi, Mike! You remember Debbie, right?
MIKE: Debbie?
[Crow gestures towards the pink Crow-Tron 5001.]
CROW: You know, Debbie! From the one time I changed my sex so I could have
a child and name it after my late wife, Debbie Senior? You remember,
right? After the forklift accident?
MIKE: Crow, we've talked about when you do this...
CROW: I'm serious! Debbie, say hi to the nice organic lifeform.
DEBBIE: Hi!
MIKE: .. hi, Debbie.
CROW: Now, what did you want to ask Uncle Mike, Debbie?
DEBBIE: Unka Mike, can you show me awound the load pan bay?
MIKE: Aw, what the heck. Sure I can, Debbie. C'mon, let's go...
[Debbie toddles over to Mike, taking his outstretched hand, and the two
exit stage left. Crow picks up Mike's half-completed sandwich and begins
finishing it before Tom enters from stage right and starts whispering to Crow.]
TOM: Did he buy it?
CROW: Basically. He was a little skeptical at first. I think
we've pulled the "me confusing movie and reality" gag on him a few too
many times.
TOM: We should lay off it for a while... but this is gonna
be worth it! Hoohoo! It should kick in any --
DEBBIE: You know you want me, baby!
MIKE: YAARGH!
TOM: -- any time now. Woohoo! High claw, man!
CROW: Woo! Buzzkill! Buzzkill! ... we should check in on the
Mads. [He pushes the Mad Light with the claw not currently occupied with
a sandwich.]
[Scene: Deep 13. Frank is still at the card table, but now he's playing
solitaire -- a very unsuccessful game of solitaire, it seems -- with what
look like Smurfs playing cards. Dr. F is standing in the background, taking
notes and mumbling to himself.]
DR. F: Subject continues to exhibit 'card-playing' behavior.
For someone who has no doubt spent so much time engaging in such pointless
activity, he certainly seems to be rather inept at it -- for example, the
subject continually neglects that he really *should* put the red five on
the black six. Further observations once he goes through the deck again.
[A few more minutes pass as Frank continues to play solitaire badly.
Suddenly, he sets his deck down on the table and stands up quickly.]
FRANK: My *God*! What if Camus was right, after all, and this is really
all life means? What if there is no essential order to the universe? I...
I have to make the most of my life as it stands, or I'll end up like
Meursault, clinging to the tiniest shreds of meaning! I've got to go out
and do something -- write a book, do charity work, love another human
being! This life is too brief for me to waste any more time!
[Frank bolts for the 'door' of Deep 13... before tripping some sort of
wire. Ominous grinding noises begin offscreen, and Frank conveniently stumbles
and falls offscreen in the noises' direction. They get louder, and we hear
a few screams from offscreen.]
DR. F: Note to self: even subtle, tasteful, understated evil
experiments need emergency Death Booby Traps. Also, don't leave "The
French Existentialist Movement's Greatest Hits" lying around the lab
anymore. End experiment. Push the Button, Fra--oh, sorry,
you're dying, No Exit Boy.
FRANK: Hell is... other mad scientists...
[Dr. F leans over and pushes the button. Cue love theme...]
THE CREDITS THAT BE
MiSTing: "Surrogate"
Original Story by Paul Sampson
MiSTed by Amanda Van Rhyn
Mystery Science Theater 3000 created by Joel Hodgson
Ranma 1/2 created by Rumiko Takahashi
This story was found on JP's Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction Reviews, a very good
webpage devoted to (surprise) reviewing Ranma 1/2 fanfiction.
It can be found at http://ayukawa.tass.org/~jcarson/reviews/index.html;
I advise those interested to check it out.
As far as I recall, this MiSTing is being done with the permission
of "Surrogate"'s author; however, I've lost my original request e-mail and
its reply, so this may not be the case. If I didn't get permission, I'm very
sorry.
This MiSTing, and the rest of my work, can be found at my modest excuse
for a MiSTing website:
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Lair/1868/MiSTings
Visit, but please don't feed the non-standard cast.
Special thanks go out to Antaeus Feldspar for prereading this thing,
telling me what works and what didn't, and generally helping "Surrogate"
actually get finished. Thanks, Feld.
Keep circulating the .txt files.
[Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all situations,
locations, characters, and other things thereof are (C) Best Brains, Inc.
Ranma « and all related characters, situations, etc, are (C)
Rumiko Takahashi etc.. All other copyrighted things are (C) their owners.
All rights reserved. Please don't sue me! "Surrogate", the original story,
is owned by Paul Sampson, and it's his to keep. No offense whatsoever is
meant to Paul or anyone else involved with the story. This MiSTing was done
in the spirit of fun and fair riffing. All characters, settings, situations,
etc. in this MiSTing are fictitious or used fictitiously. All resemblence to
reality is coincidental. Do not read this MiSTing while operating heavy
machinery.]
[Legal Stuff: This MiSTing of "Surrogate" is (C) Amanda Van Rhyn and
Fevered Little Minds Productions, 2000. This MiSTing can be freely
distributed provided you give me and Paul the credit we're due, contact me
beforehand, and don't mutilate it. Meta-MiSTing isn't mutilation if you ask
me first. Post this at any archive, anywhere; I couldn't care less about
your Web site host or ISP. Do not fold, spindle, or submerge in water.]
> Tofu had protested strongly and at great length against the
> fertalization. Ranma could have been seriously harmed. Even
> though her fiancess had after trying to stop them.
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