[No one will be seated during the climactic DOOR SEQUENCE!]
[Scene: SoL Bridge. Strider is nowhere in sight, but Frodo and Sam are
standing in the middle of the bridge. Sam glances around furtively.]
SAM: Say, Frodo, this whole Gollum thing has got me thinking...
FRODO: I'd say that that's rather unusual, but then you'd hit me.
SAM: Dang right I would! Anyway, I think Gollum just might be our key
off this Satellite!
FRODO: Why do I sense a bizarre and convoluted plan in my
near future?
SAM: All right, it goes a little like this. From that little scene
there, it's obvious that Gollum is still... oh, how do I put it...
*loyal* to you.
FRODO: That's putting it mildly.
SAM: And he's also impersonating that unusual Big Person with the
swollen knees...
FRODO: Who *is* that guy? And what's with the knees?
SAM: I really don't know, but I found something in the cargo hold the
other day that seems to be tied into the knee-guy... perhaps, if we
played on his loyalty *and* his new-found obsession, he would find a
way to get us down from the Satellite!
FRODO: Wait one second. If I may break the fourth wall a minute, this
is only the second or third episode of this series! We shouldn't even
be this desperate to escape yet!
SAM: OK, I'm going to make this blunt: do you *want* to see any more
Aeolus in your future?
FRODO: Admittedly, no... but, still, what are the chances of the author
actually being willing to let us escape?
SAM: All right, they're slim to none. But -
(He straightens his posture and stares directly into the camera,
pouring out the pathos.)
- aren't lost causes really the only ones worth fighting for?
FRODO: No, actually, but I'll do it just this once. It'll get us out of
Strider's stupid host segments, at least.
SAM: Agreed! To the cargo hold!
[Frodo and Sam exit stage left. The bridge is empty for a few seconds,
and then Strider enters from stage right. He's wearing fox ears on his head,
and he's carrying what looks like several furry costumes.]
STRIDER: Guys? I got this *great* idea for a host segment. I'm Tails,
and you two are... hello, guys? Guys?! Great, where are
they *now*... why do they always have to ruin my host segment ideas?!
[The Fanfic Sign goes off.]
STRIDER: (sighs) Never mind. We've got fanfic sign.
[Let's do the door sequence again! It's just a 6 to the left, a 5 to
the right...]
[SoL Theater. Strider enters as usual from right and sits down. After a
few seconds, Frodo and Sam enter from left and take their seats.]
STRIDER: Oh, there you are! Guys, where were you? We missed the host
segment!
FRODO: Uh... we were doing stuff.
SAM: And things!
STRIDER: Oh, all right. Let's get on with it.
> "Do you?" he asked.
> "No," said Tails immediately.
> "What about Sally?"
> "NO!"
SAM: What about Bunnie, Sally, Dulcy, and -
STRIDER: Sam, NO!
SAM: Nice. You're mimicking the fanfic.
> There was a pause. Tails felt bad about yelling at Rotor, but he seemed
> unaffected.
FRODO: Well, from his general demeanor, I don't think a two-by-four to
the head would affect this guy.
> Rotor scratched his chin.
STRIDER: I didn't know walruses could get fleas! You learn something
new every day!
> "You know, you've been acting kind of down lately," he offered.
SAM: Did you get a new dialogue person? That can do it...
> "Is that what you mean? You're feeling bad?"
> "Sort of."
FRODO: You see, goofy fanfics about me always get me down.
> "Well, when I was your age I had some problems like that. I didn't want
> to wake up,
SAM: Well, he certainly didn't have to on *our* account.
STRIDER: Are you sure he ever did? His brain seems to be working at the
vegetative level.
> felt bad sometimes. Not too bad, though."
SAM: Then again, I really never went through puberty, either...
> "What'd you do?"
> "Nothin'. It went away."
FRODO: My brain, that is. Pesky thing.
> "How long?"
SAM: Now there's a personal question for you!
> "Maybe a few months." He shrugged. "I don't really remember. The
> fighting was really bad,
STRIDER: There was a lot of killing and war and stuff.
FRODO: The Battle of a Couple-Three Armies...
> they was just sweeping over everything."
STRIDER: The turning point was when the coup leaders got the
vacuum cleaner! It was best in hard-to-reach places - oh, the humanity!
> He summed up months of horror as if it had been a brief rainstorm.
SAM: Thousands of Mobians die in the Brief Rainstorm
of '08...
> "So I was kind of distracted. I had to learn tech stuff real fast, so I
> didn't have time for anything else..."
FRODO: Like adverbs, Mr. 'Real Fast'?
> "I feel bad sometimes," Tails said suddenly.
> "When?"
> "Right now.
STRIDER: I dunno, Rotor... I just don't feel cut out for
Knothole After-School Specials anymore.
> I mean, most of the time."
> "I don't," said Rotor. "I never feel that bad, really. Maybe it's
> different for me. I'm a machine talent, you know.
SAM: We're all very happy for you, Rotor.
STRIDER: Computer, I'd like to register my
mutation...
FRODO: You know, I think this must be Rotor's fifth clone or so... I
mean, you *know* what they say about copies of copies...
> NICOLE says I'm abnormal," he added cheerfully.
(S&TH all burst out laughing.)
STRIDER: Talk about your goofy dialogue!
FRODO: Well, it's perfect for the character...
> "If you felt like I feel," said Tails with a heavy sigh, "you'd remember."
SAM: I mean, it's not as if you'd dedicate more memory space to
the destruction of your family, home, and complete way of life in a
military firestorm than growing pains...
> "Yeah, probably," said Rotor. "Sorry I can't help you more.
FRODO: If you can't get help at Rotor,
please - get help somewhere.
> Did you talk to Bunnie~
STRIDER: And there's that "bunny tail" again.
> about it? She's always real cheerful, real up all the time."
SAM: IfyouknowwhatImean!
> Tails just glared at him.
FRODO: Girls are icky!
> "She has midnight watch,
SAM: IfyouknowwhatI ... oh, wait, I just did that
one. Never mind.
> so she's asleep yet, but..." Rotor noticed Tails' expression.
FRODO: What was it? :-P ?
STRIDER: >;) ?
SAM: I'm thinking :-@ personally.
> "Oh. Man-to-man. Right." He tapped a tusk.
FRODO: See, I can play 'em like a xylophone!
> "Well, maybe NICOLE has a male personality interface.
SAM: Infobot! Yay!
> She's got some old psych programs I could try out on you.
STRIDER: Tails, meet Eliza...
> It'd be good research."
FRODO: Right now, Tails, you are a fox kit...
but *I* can make you a guinea pig! Bwahahahaha!
> "No, thanks." Tails got up to go.
> "Well, g'night," said Rotor, not offended. "Try Sally. She's your Mom,
> right?"
> "No, she isn't."
STRIDER: First of all, she's only like six years older than I
am, and second, there's the species barrier, genius!
SAM: Bloody fanboy.
> He shrugged again. "Close enough." And he turned back to his work.
> _Strike three_, Tails thought, and he wiped away a sudden, inexplicable
> tear.
STRIDER: Someone's throwing litter on the highway!
> It was still hot out, and he was still feeling depressed when he got into
> bed.
SAM: Talk about "hot and bothered"!
> He knew he had to be in bed before midnight, because if he didn't, Sally
> might gently "suggest" he go to bed now.
FRODO: And when Sally "suggests" something, it involves an iron
maiden...
> He couldn't bear that. No; that was wrong -- he couldn't STAND it.
> He also had an erection,
SAM: Hehehehe. He said -
(Strider *WHAP*s Sam)
STRIDER: Shut up, Samwise. Huh-huh-huh.
> and it rubbed against the sheets. It just made him mad. He willed it to
> go away, and it did.
SAM: Wow, he's good!
STRIDER: You just don't get hints, do you, Sam?
SAM: What hints?
STRIDER: I didn't think so.
> On cue, Sally walked in without knocking. She started tucking him in.
> "How about a story?" she asked brightly.
FRODO: AAAH! It's an annoying twit! Someone call Queezowl!
> He was startled at the cold wave of hatred
STRIDER: Well, hatred is a dish best served cold.
FRODO: With a nice side of pinto beans.
> that washed through him
SAM: New Angst-B-Gone washes through the depressed
adolescent psyche and leaves a high-gloss shine!
> at her patronizing words. He rolled over and gave her the evil eye.
> Sensing his anger, she retreated.
> "I just thought you looked down in the dumps, honey.
FRODO: Oh, please, not Erato...
STRIDER: What do you know about Erato?!
FRODO: Too much as is!
> Are you?"
SAM: Well, not the dumps per se... more like the Knothole
municipal landfill, really.
> "No." He rolled over again so he was facing the wall.
STRIDER: Noone will be seated during the intense rolling-over scene!
> She patted the comforter. "Don't you want to talk about it? You know you
> can talk to me about _anything_ you want."
SAM: Why does that sound like a come-on?
> Tails was silent. He knew she was right; if he came right out and told
> her what was on his mind, she'd answer all his questions.
FRODO: Well, then, why doesn't he?
STRIDER: Search me... but I know he doesn't. The fic goes on for a
while.
> But... he couldn't bring himself to. It would be like -- like thinking of
> his mother, and getting excited about it -- yuck.
SAM: No, fanfic. I *refuse* to get into Tails's Sackville-Baggins
complex!
> On cue, his erection started to come back.
ALL: GAHH!
> His heart sank.
SAM: Unlike, say, his -
FRODO and STRIDER: Shut UP, Sam!
SAM: Hey, what'd I do?!
> Whatever chance he had to pose the question that night was gone.
> "Honey?"
STRIDER: Honey, I miss you, and I'm being good!
> "I'm OK, Sally," he mumbled, feigning sleepiness.
> "You sure? Are you having growing pains again?"
STRIDER: No, and I'm not having any other dumb '80s sitcoms
either!
(There's moment of silence while Sam and Frodo stare at Strider.)
FRODO: Um, maybe it's a Big Person thing, but what in Eru's name is a
sitcom?!
STRIDER: Later, Frodo, later.
> He almost smiled. "No, Mom. I'm fine."
> If she noticed what he'd called her, she didn't mention it. She stood and
> went to the doorway. He could feel her standing there, watching him. The
> thought of her in the doorway, silhouetted in the light, made him feel
> prickly.
SAM: Is that supposed to be a pu - no, wait, I won't say it. I'm in
enough trouble for this one already.
> Then she turned out the light and closed the door.
> For a while he lay there, waiting for sleep to come. But it didn't, and
> his erection didn't go away, either. It was one of those spontaneous
> bones
STRIDER: Oh, come *on*! Has anyone ever used the phrase "bone" beyond
age 13?
FRODO: Well, we really don't know how old Tails is, you know...
> that came and went as it liked.
SAM: It was a free citizen of the earth...
> The only way to get rid of it was to ignore it, but there was nothing else
> to focus his attention on.
STRIDER: I liked it better when I was on Orcium!
> The room was deathly quiet. It was hot, too hot for
SAM: ... TV!
> blankets anyway. He kicked off the comforter and tossed and turned under
> the sheet. No way was he going to sleep for a while. He got out of bed
> and sat up. His head hurt. He had never felt so black and blue at the
> same time.
FRODO: So, he's got headaches and bruises? Why didn't you just say so,
fanfic?
> And this wasn't a rational bad feeling like when he knew his parents were
> gone forever.
SAM: Yep, everything I knew and loved is dead. Never mind; I've
got homework!
> That was a black hole in his heart.
STRIDER: It was a great disturbance in the Force - as if a million
furries cried out at once and then were silent.
> This was worse, a hard lump in his head, a dark voice in his ear,
FRODO: A little black spot on the sun today...
SAM: ... it's the same old thing as yesterday.
STRIDER: Yup, in this fanfic, Tails truly is the King of Pain.
> a burning cloud between his eyes that stopped thought.
FRODO: My brain hurts!
> He slapped at the sides of his face, as though trying to dislodge
> mud-colored glasses.
STRIDER: Wait... if an optimist sees through rose-colored glasses, and
he sees through mud-colored ones, what does that make him?
SAM: A realist?
STRIDER: Well, either that or a _Beastmaster_ audience member.
> It was just some stupid hormonal thing. Nobody had to explain _that_
> to him.
> He angrily wiped another tear from his eye. He had no right to feel angry.
> There were others, plenty others,
FRODO: ... suffering from a lack of prepositions?
> with lots more to complain about. But he didn't want to think about them
> right now.
STRIDER: SCREW Suzanne Sommers and her starving-kids ads!
> He'd never been selfish before, and that just made him madder.
FRODO: Being badly characterized just pisses me off...
> "This is all _your_ fault," he snapped at his erection, which still bobbed
> happily between his legs, ignoring his internal crisis.
SAM: I believe that line practically riffs itself.
> He got up and stood at the window, looking out at the quiet compound.
FRODO: Compound?! Knothole's a prison camp?!?
STRIDER: Noone expects the Knothole Inquisition!
> Nothing moved; even the Forest
FRODO: What happened to the obligatory 'Great'?
> was silent tonight.
STRIDER: Not a creature was stirring, not even an FXFerret.
> The moon was coming into view overhead. It was almost full.
SAM: Well, Gladys, if you insist, I can probably
have one more bar... I'm not *that* full.
> It drowned out the stars.
> He looked up at the moon for a while. Then he climbed over the sill and
> landed gently on the ground. The cool soil felt good under his bare feet.
> He ran.
STRIDER: "Prower's Run"... the exciting sequel to "Logan's Run". Hmm... that would explain why I need Sanctuary from this fic.
FRODO: Run, Tails! RUN!
SAM: Hey, if I was in this story, I'd be running for my life too...
> He headed for the forest.
FRODO: Wait a second... isn't the entire village in the middle of a
huge freakin' forest?
STRIDER: Maybe he's looking for *another* one.
> He ran fast,
FRODO: Um... sir, you dropped an adverb.
> but quietly.
SAM: Well, bare feet *do* help with noise. Trust me here.
FRODO: Better yet, ask Shelob...
SAM: Yeah! Preach it, brother!
> NICOLE registered him with a subliminal blip
STRIDER: Buy Husker Du!
> as he crossed the perimeter, and then he was in the forest and couldn't
> see the moon anymore.
FRODO: That fact must have *some* significance... I'm just not sure
what it is.
> He headed for the pond. It was a hot night, and he'd go for a swim with
> Sonic. Maybe this time he'd be more willing to talk.
SAM: After all, I have... ways... of making him talk!
> He wondered how he'd ask the question again, and what Sonic would say.
STRIDER: Well, if he uses the phrase "Way past cool!", I'll scream.
> There was a faint CRACK
SAM: ... and then a vague ORCIUM, and after that a soft, weak PIPEWEED.
> from the direction of the lake.
> Now he remembered: Bunnie~ had midnight watch tonight, not Sonic.
FRODO: Take notes; there shall be a quiz.
> He slowed to a walk, but kept going. He'd wait till the power ring
SAM: Power Ring?!? But we destroyed the One!
FRODO: And the Three are all in Valinor with their bearers, and the
Nine are long-gone... but maybe one of the Seven?
> surfaced and she took it back to the compound.
STRIDER: "The compound"?
FRODO: It sounds as if Knothole's in the middle of an Orthanc prison
block!
SAM: Or the Tower of Cirith Ungol...
FRODO: No. Sam. We. Are. *Not*. Talking. About.
That.
SAM: Manw', you're touchy today, Frodo.
> Then he'd have the pool to himself, and he'd have his swim.
> Another sound, the same one: an echoing CRACK.
> He stopped, concerned.
STRIDER: Why am I hearing so many illegal drugs?
> There was probably no danger. The Forest would know, and it would let him
> know.
SAM: Oh, don't tell me this forest has Ents...
FRODO: Maybe that's where the Entwives ended up.
> But he couldn't identify the sound.
STRIDER: Manw', Tails, it's in caps lock! How could you *not* recognize
it?
> He waited until it came again.
> CRACK...
> It was faint,
FRODO: If it's faint, why is it in caps lock?
> as if it were across the lake. It sounded like a stone falling
> from a great height.
STRIDER: Or possibly an anvil falling on his head...
SAM: Yeah! This is a cartoon, after all! We want anvils!
> Maybe the canyon wall was caving in? He resumed his walk,
FRODO: Yep, no need to concern myself with what could be a
village-destroying avalanche or cave-in. Nope, none at all.
> aware that his erection was finally going down,
SAM: Well, that's nice to know. We were all in *such* suspense.
> and grateful to have something else to occupy his attention. The sound
> kept coming: CRACK ...
STRIDER: OK, anyone have another good drug joke?
FRODO: Nope, not me.
SAM: All out here.
STRIDER: Good. This was about your last chance.
> CRACK.
> Finally he came to the edge of the trees.
FRODO: The "Great Forest" must be about the size of the Bag End gardens
if he got through it that quickly...
> The pond lay before him, empty except for the instruments float Rotor had
> moored in the middle last year. There was nothing on the float.
STRIDER: THRILL to the suspenseful "Instruments Float Scene"!
> He scanned the edge of the clearing and saw the glint of moonlight off
> burnished metal. Bunnie~
ALL: Dunh dunh DUNNNHHHH!
> was sitting with her big metal feet
FRODO: Hey, at least they're not goblin feet!
SAM: Badaching!
> dangling off the bank, looking into the water. He drew back. He
> didn't want to talk to her.
> He looked at the water. There was something wrong with it.
STRIDER: It's too watery!
> There were too many ripples. Fish jumping?
SAM: ... And jiving and wailing?
> If so, there were too many fish.
STRIDER: But... there can never be too many fish!
FRODO: This message brought to you by the Fishy Cult.
> A faint sigh came from Bunnie~. As he watched, she picked up a stone from
> a pile next to her. She put it in her big left hand, the metal one.
> Then, with a nonchalant flick of her wrist, blurred beyond vision, she
> skipped the stone. It whizzed through the air
SAM: But... shouldn't it touch the water if she's skipping it?
FRODO: Maybe it just decided to *skip* the water completely!
SAM: Oh, very funny.
> as it crossed the pond in a single skip and CRACKED
STRIDER: So, it's a rock that cracks? Would that make it a crack-rock?
SAM: Oh, behave.
> into the rocks on the opposite bank. Dust rose, faintly visible in bright
> moonlight.
> He watched, but she did nothing more. She just kept looking into the
> water.
FRODO: She's going all Mirror of Galadriel on us!
SAM: Must not touch the water...
> In a moment the faint ripples from where the rock had skipped crossed her
> view and tickled the beach. She didn't move.
> Curiosity warred briefly with privacy, and lost. He left the trees and
> approached her.
STRIDER: So, he opts for "privacy" yet decides to go on out? Is this
some Bizarro World definition of privacy that I haven't heard before?
> One of her ears moved to track him,
FRODO: She's got periscopic ears!
STRIDER: Creepy.
> and she turned to greet him.
> "Hi, sugar."
SAM: And hi, salt. Are there any other condiments that would
like greetings?
> "Hi, Bunnie~." He came up next to her and studied her face carefully in
> the moonlight. She seemed as cheerful as ever.
STRIDER: Bunnie - the official Knothole Shallow Cheerleader Type.
> "You're up late," she said.
> "I couldn't sleep."
> "Know what you mean."
FRODO: Ah learned too late that No-Doze and a good night's
sleep just don't go together!
SAM: Gee, what was her first clue?
> She patted the sand with her right hand. "Have a seat."
STRIDER: Sadly, Bunnie didn't know that Tails was a kleptomaniac...
FRODO: Thanks! Where should I take it?
> He sat down.
STRIDER: Stunning climax there, I see... our hero sits down. What
excitement will develop next?
> She picked up another rock and skimmed it out expertly; it
> hummed with speed and disappeared with a CRACK and a puff of rock dust.
SAM: Wow! Talk about casting the first stone!
FRODO: Hope she isn't without sin!
STRIDER: Frodo, think about what you're saying...
> It would have killed him if it had been aimed at him.
SAM: Or it could have put an eye out!
STRIDER: It's all fun and games until someone gets
hurt...
> He leaned forward and looked at her left arm nervously. In throwing the
> rock, it had swiveled on its own, independent of the rest of her. As if
> something else, something harsh and exacting -- not sweet, soft Bunnie~
FRODO: Complete with sweet, soft vestigial tilde.
> -- were in control.
> "Is something wrong with your arm?"
> She shook her head. "I just ain't movin' with it, sugar. Sorry if I
> scared you."
> She wasn't even looking at him, but she had divined his thoughts exactly.
STRIDER: Ooooooh, scaaaaary, boys and girls! Are you
scared? Count Floyd was scared!
> He was struck by her empathy.
FRODO: Ow! Hey, lady, watch it was that empathy! You just hit
me!
SAM: So... answer a question, and you instantly have incredible empathy.
Yeah, sure...
STRIDER: Let's get out of here.
[They leave the Theater.]
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