[Door Sequence]
[Scene: SoL Bridge. The Bridge is empty. Odd...]
SAM: You sure you distracted him well this time, Frodo?
FRODO: Yeah, I'm sure. See, I showed him this game...
STRIDER: Dang! Why do they keep making my ship appear
right by the Lunatic base? Maybe if I find a Yummie I'll be all right...
SAM: Good. I think the coast is clear, then. You go out; I'll
keep watch.
[Frodo walks out onto the Bridge. His Servo dome is gone; instead, he's
wearing a long, black robe that looks like an identical copy of the one Joel
used during _Manos_ (although sized to fit, of course). He looks both
vaguely hopeful and vaguely disgusted at the entire plan. Frodo hits the Mad
light, even though it's not blinking... ]
[Our scene switches to Deep Under 13. Gollum is standing there,
apparently alone. Near the left wall, there is a closed door, with a sign
saying 'Quiet - Bad Story Screening in Progress!' hanging on the knob. (Hey,
how did you *think* the Mads made sure the stories were bad enough?) Gollum
looks really bored - that is, until he notices Frodo in the Viewscreen.]
GOLLUM: Master?
[SoL]
FRODO: Uh... yeah! It is I, Gollum, your
Master! And I have plans for you!
[Deep Under 13]
GOLLUM: The Master! And he has *plans* for us, yessss! Will the Master - Will the Master give us the Precioussss if we
helpssss the nice Master with his plan?
[SoL. Sam walks out in front of Frodo, wearing his normal costume. He's
holding the Ring that Strider pulled off of Frodo's finger. Sam tosses it up
and down occasionally, where it catches the light.]
SAM: Well, Slinker, I'm sure we could work something out, eh?
[Deep Under 13. Gollum's normally bulbous eyes now appear to be *this*
close to bulging completely out of his skull. Very unnerving, to say the
least. He's also grinning like a monkey.]
GOLLUM: Yesss! Yessss! What - What does the Master and the, uh, other
Hobbits want us to do for the Preciousssss?
[SoL]
FRODO: Well, Gollum - do you see the button on the control panel marked
"Caution - Obligatory Villain Easy Escape Device - Lands the Satellite
Safely - Do Not Push?"
[Deep Under 13. Indeed, we can see the aforementioned button (it's big,
red, and lacks any safety measures whatsoever) on the control panel. Gollum,
grinning like the maniac he is now, notices it as well.]
GOLLUM: Yess! Yesssss, nice Master, we sees it! Yesssssss!
[SoL]
FRODO: Good! Yes! Gollum - listen to me carefully, Gollum - push the
button!
[Deep Under 13. Gollum pushes a button. We hear a *FWOOSH!* and the
screen goes black.]
FRODO: No, Gollum! The *other* button!
[The screen returns again. We're back in Deep Under 13.]
GOLLUM: Oh... but, the other one - Master, it sayssss not to push it!
[SoL. Frodo and Sam look annoyed.]
SAM: What kind of ninny actually pays attention
to the 'Do Not Push' signs, anyway?
FRODO: Obviously the kind of ninny we're
dealing with. That - That's a sign for someone else, Gollum!
How much do you want the Precious, anyway?!
[Deep Under 13]
GOLLUM: We wants - We wants the Precious more than anything, Massssster!
Yessss! We are sorry! We will - We will do it *right*, Master! We will!
[Gollum reaches over on the control panel and prepares to press the
large red button. Suddenly, the left door opens and Lobelia comes out of the
screening room.]
LOBELIA: I swear, we're *sadistic* to even *think* of
sending that one u - (She notices Gollum.) You! What are
you doing?!
GOLLUM: Uh... ma'am, we wasn't doing nothing, no, not us,
ma'am... we just wanted to see what would happen if we pushed the
button, ma'am.
LOBELIA: Oh, you wanted to "push the button", eh?
I'll *teach* you to "push the button"!
[Without warning, Lobelia pushes Gollum's head into the control panel.
There are a few sparks, and Gollum collapses back onto the floor. Before
Lobelia has time to notice our heroes, the comm. link between the SoL and
Deep Under 13 shorts out, and we return to the SoL. Frodo and Sam looked
stunned and disgusted.]
FRODO: But... but... we were *so* close!
SAM: (takes out a small notebook and pencil and starts scribbling)
Hmm... Bill Ferny, Shagrat, Shelob, and now Lobelia!
FRODO: Um, what's that?!
SAM: My revenge list.
FRODO: Ah. Well, I should probably go change, seeing as we're going to
have -
[The Fanfic Sign cuts him off.]
HOBBITS: - Fanfic Sign!
[They rush into the theater... ]
[Door Sequence]
[Scene: SoL Theater. Sam and Frodo rush to be seated. Once they're
sitting down, Strider strolls in leisurely.]
FRODO: Hey, Strider! Where were *you*?
STRIDER: Oh, *me*? Well, I started playing this game, and I had so many
Multiblasters and Sludgers to kill that I lost track of time, and...
SAM: Save it. The fic's starting up again.
> The light dimmed as a cloud crossed the moon's disk.
FRODO: ... causing an error in A:\ and massive data loss.
> Bunnie~ turned to look at him. He couldn't see her eyes.
> "Well, sure I like you, sugar," she said softly.
STRIDER: Hmm... is that *like* like?
SAM: A lot of 12-year-olds want to know, I take it.
> He gulped. "I don't have any friends, either."
> "Not Sonic?"
> "Not lately."
FRODO: At least, not for the length of this fanfic... and the
way this thing is going, the end just isn't in sight.
> She touched his shoulder. "You and Sonic had a fight?"
STRIDER: Tails and Sonic had a fight, E-I-E-I-O!
> "No, he just... he doesn't feel like talking."
> "About what?"
> "Stuff."
FRODO: Ah, "stuff": the answer that shows that not even the people
involved with the fanfic have any clue on the plot.
> She paused, then sat back. She rubbed the metal joint of her left
> shoulder reflectively.
SAM: My shoulder's sore... should I use Icy Hot or WD-40?
> "So you been askin' the ol' prickleback some tough questions?"
FRODO: Like what the heck a prickleback is?
> "I guess, yeah. What's so funny?"
> She was smiling. "Well... maybe I know what's wrong with that.
STRIDER: Insert Viagra riff here.
> Hmmm. Did you try Antoine?"
> "Yeah, he got mad when he found out I tried Sonic first."
> She laughed. "A royal twit.
SAM: You mean Aeolus?
> And I guess you don't want t' ask Sally, huh?"
> He shook his head.
FRODO: I mean, she's an herbivore and I'm a carnivore... she
just wouldn't understand! Wait...
> "Well, my offer stands. Ask me anything."
SAM: Cool! Why is the sky blue? Where do butterflies go when it
rains? Where have all the cowboys gone? What's the meaning of life?
FRODO: What about "What's the meaning of this fanfic?"
SAM: Good one.
> He hung his head, silent. He knew what he should say, but he couldn't do
> it. He needed a clear head, and the Girl Waves
STRIDER: New from the publishers of "Seventeen" - "Girl Waves".
> coming off her were fuzzing everything up.
FRODO: But they're already furry! What harm can it do?
> "C'mon."
> "I don't know how to put it into words exactly," he mumbled.
SAM: All I can say is that it involves Antoine, Dulcy, three
llamas, and a home enema kit...
> She said nothing. He focused his eyes and realized that he was looking
> directly at her cleavage.
STRIDER: All four rows of it!
> He raised his eyes hurriedly and met her gaze. She had a merry twinkle.
FRODO: Help! The's got me! I'm thuffocating!
> "Poor little Tails," she said softly. "You ever kissed a girl?"
SAM: Oh, c'mon! Tails kisses a girl, or worse, in practically every
story where he's a main character!
STRIDER: How would you know?
SAM: Um... well... just trust me here, OK?
> That stung. "Lots of times," he said shortly.
STRIDER: Shortly? So he said it in Hobbitish?
SAM: One of these days, Strider... bam! To the moon!
> "I don't mean Sally good-night. I mean a _real_ kiss."
> "What's a _real_ kiss?"
FRODO: Well, apparently it involves underscores.
> "Maybe sometime I'll show you, big boy," she said playfully, and nudged
> him.
SAM: In Eru's name... she *is* trying to seduce him! Oh, great Iluvatar,
give me strength to keep on riffing!
> "When?" he asked bitterly. "When I'm grown up?"
> She regarded him soberly,
STRIDER: Funny. I thought the entire cast of this fanfic was stoned...
> then thoughtfully. Then she looked at where the
> path came out of the forest. He followed her gaze, but saw nothing.
> Suddenly he felt her hand at his chin, and turned back as she put her lips
> over his, with her head tilted to get under his muzzle.
SAM: Ew! Lagomorph germs!
> Too surprised, he submitted to the caressing movements of her lips. He
> almost shouted when he felt something enter his mouth.
FRODO: And, by reflex, he bites off her tongue. He *is* one of her
natural enemies, you know.
> He reflexively tried to pull away, but her left arm was holding his elbow,
> in an unshakeable iron grip. His mind breached and leapt
STRIDER: ... causing his skull to explode. The End.
> at the bizarre new sensation. Her tongue slid between
> his teeth, scraped over the ridges on the top of his mouth,
SAM: Uh, insert your own "hard and soft palate" joke here.
> toyed with his own tongue. Then, finally, it withdrew.
> It was over.
STRIDER: No, actually it has three and a half pages left. If only we
were so lucky!
> She leaned back, let go his elbow, and watched him carefully.
> He almost fell backwards and had to put out a hand to steady himself.
SAM: Uh, was it good for you too?
STRIDER: Yeah, yeah. The world moved
for everyone involved.
> He licked his lips. She tasted like cereal.
FRODO: That reminds me... as soon as we get out of here, I'm gonna have
a big bowl of Melkor Flakes.
> Not bad. Not what he had expected. His bowels felt watery. So did his
> knees.
SAM: EXTREEEEME Frenching!
> "How'd you feel?" she inquired softly.
STRIDER: With my tongue?
> "Uh--" he stuttered. "Scared."
> "How come?"
FRODO: Does this bug you? I'm not touching you!
> He didn't really know. He pointed to her left arm. "You were holding on
> so tight -- you could've crushed my arm..."
> She made a _pshaw_ gesture.
STRIDER: You know, the MiSTer almost got kicked off the school bus when
she was little because the bus monitor thought "p'shaw" was some sort
of obscenity...
(The Fourth Wall Alarms go off again.)
FRODO: Hey, Strider, remember those alarms you told me about at the
beginning? Well, guess what...
> "I can pick up an egg with those fingers.
SAM: And yet, at the same time, they're tough enough to
slice through a tin can! How much would you pay?
> That ain't what you were scared of." She kept looking at him, with
> half-lidded eyes.
STRIDER: You know you're not a babe magnet when your girlfriend falls
asleep from boredom as soon as you two stop making out.
> He gritted his teeth as he felt his erection getting bigger.
SAM: Thank you, fanfic, for giving us that, uh, status report...
> What if she saw it? She had only to look down and there it was.
> Unimaginable embarrassment.
STRIDER: Look, dude, if you're so embarrassed about it, stop telling us
its every move, OK? We really won't mind, honest.
> Finally she smiled again -- back to her old self.
> "You hot, sugar?"
SAM: Well, what do *you* think, baby? I mean, the chicks can't
resist me, but, hey...
> He was incredibly hot.
STRIDER: Why do I completely refuse to buy that?
> "Yes."
> "How 'bout a swim?"
> "Yeah!" he exclaimed, too loudly, but he wanted to end the scrutiny.
FRODO: Dang CIA agents and their hidden cameras! It's true, I
tell you!
> He immediately slid forward into the pond. He took a breath as he went
> under. The cold mountain water instantly soaked his frazzled fur and
> chilled his skin. But, more importantly,
STRIDER: ... he hit his head on a rock at the bottom of the shallow
pond and died. The End.
> his inquisitive penis
SAM: That phrase sounds too cute somehow...
FRODO: It's like a kids' movie title from Mordor!
> found it was too cold out and retreated. He breathed out a sigh of relief
> and rose in a cloud of bubbles.
STRIDER: Oh, crap! I got the bends!
> She wasn't in the water yet. She was doing something with both hands, at
> her left hip.
SAM: Hey, it's "Bunnie's Usual Morning"!
STRIDER: I'm not going to ask...
> He paddled closer and put his hand on the shore, watching her.
SAM: See? I told you he likes to watch!
> "Watcha doing?"
> "Sshh," she said, concentrating.
FRODO: Hey, Caliden was looking for that concentration! It was running
amok!
STRIDER: Let me guess... MUD joke, right, Frodo?
FRODO: Heh... why not?
> She was guiding her big left hand, exerting pressure with it on the joint
> her left leg made with her body. He couldn't see exactly what she did,
SAM: And trust me, we're all very, very grateful.
> but in a moment there was a disengaging sound, a sort of clickrunck,
FRODO: Ooh! We're finally getting sound effects! Spiffy!
ALL: Rah.
> and her leg came free.
> "Oohh," he said softly.
STRIDER: That cost the fic's entire SFX budget, didn't it?
> "Hard to float with 'em on," she noted as she went to work on her right
> leg. Her left leg lay on its side, now inert. It was disconcerting
FRODO: Yeah, it canceled three Philharmonic shows this week alone!
> to see it lying next to her. But it was sort of exciting to see what she
> had on her body there. It was a dull metal disk, slightly flanged, with a
> retracting central fixture.
SAM: I love the smell of techtalk in the morning... smells like victory.
> He paddled closer and saw, between the smallish disk and her
> bodysuit, a tuft or two of fur. It was revolting, but thrilling.
STRIDER: Um, when exactly did this fanfic start getting wrong?
> With another clickrunck,
FRODO: ... the entire sound effects budget was blown, right after the
SFX budget.
> the second leg came off. Holding herself upright with her metal arm, she
> arranged her metal legs with her right arm.
STRIDER: You know, this might be morbid, but it might be just dumb. I'm
not sure.
(A text field starts scrolling across the bottom of the Shadowrama. It
reads: "You people are insane! It's like a slaughterhouse, my god! How can
you stand to watch it?" Unfortunately, noone else notices Cambot's
contribution to the discussion, and the riffing goes on.)
> As she stretched them out next to each other, she called to him:
> "Wanna see 'em up close?"
SAM: Better take her up on the offer, Tails. If I know you, it's the
last time a female will let you anywhere near her.
> "No thanks."
> She appeared above them, upside down.
STRIDER: Hey! I thought she was a rabbit! Now she's some sort of
legless howler monkey!
> He realized she had planted her left hand in the grass and extended her
> left arm straight up, with her body, the fleshy parts of her, at the end
> of it.
FRODO: Now there's a singularly bizarre image for you.
> "Look!" she called to him. "It's me! What do you think?" And she spun
> around a few times, like a whirligig on a post.
SAM: I believe I'm quite powerless to riff that...
STRIDER: Same here. I'll just say this: Gahhh!
> "It looks gross; come down from there."
SAM: Funny, that's exactly what I was thinking!
> That was what he started to say. His tongue lost its footing
FRODO: Bizarre images and mixed metaphors - the marks of an MEST3K-bound
fanfic.
> on the second word when she reached her right hand up to her bustline
STRIDER: Brace yourselves, guys...
> and matter-of-factly stripped her bodysuit off.
SAM: Hmm... well, I'd say the character of Bunnie as caring-yet-platonic
mentor figure just got shot to Mordor.
> There was nothing to stop it; her legs were gone. She draped it over one
> of her own thighs, lying on the ground, then caught his astonished
> reaction. She laughed.
FRODO: No, it's not funny. It's more just sad, really.
> "You kid!"
STRIDER: ... and there goes all of Tails's hard-earned self-esteem.
> she snorted.
FRODO: Hey, look, that's what happened to all the CRACK-rocks...
Um, guys, it's a pun. Someone laugh, please!
I'm starting to get scared!
> "What's new? You'n Sally and Sonic've been runnin'
> round in yer birthday suits for so long, why can't I join in?"
(S&TH just sit in the theater, in stunned silence.)
SAM: Well, I believe I can say that the fanfic has officially hit its
lowest point.
STRIDER: Still, guys, we've got to keep faith! We *can* survive this
thing!
> "Well, uh," he eloquently stuttered.
FRODO: 'Eloquently stuttered'? Isn't that an oxymoron?
> Even without legs, she was beautiful against the moonlight.
STRIDER: This story has a definite "Boxing Helena" vibe to it now...
> As she spun herself a final time, ears flung about, right arm back, he
> fancied he could see her breasts moving beneath her fur,
SAM: Hey, I think she's transforming into Sailor Knothole!
> and he shivered in the warm water.
FRODO: Wait a second, wasn't the water cold a minute ago?
SAM: Ewwww... I don't wanna know how it got warmed up...
> Finally she lowered herself until she lay on her back, with her left arm
> toward shore. She reached out with her small right hand and playfully
> tugged his forelock.
FRODO: Hey, your forelock's white! You got Waardenburg's or
something?
> "About finished waitin' for me?"
> He could only nod. "Y-yes, Bunnie."
STRIDER: Even his nods stutter? Dear Eru...
> Her left arm settled against the grass, inert. She reached over with her
> right hand and began fiddling with the shoulder. She grunted with strain.
> It seemed to be harder than the legs.
FRODO: She's taking off her cybernetic limbs! We've figured it out! Get
ON with it!
> "You need help?" Tails asked.
> She shook her head. "Just catch me when it pops off. I need to be able
> to do this by myself."
SAM: Of course, the fact that I haven't learned to do this by
myself after years upon years of doing it is kind of scary...
> He was wondering what she meant when the joint let go, not with a pop but
> with a soft CHUNTing sound.
FRODO: Hey! I thought they already blew the sound effects budget! Cool!
> She lay back carefully. Then, with great simplicity, she rolled to her
> right
STRIDER: Wait! She's not a treant; how is she logrolling?
FRODO: BigTreeGuy offered lessons?
> -- rolled right into the pond, splashing him.
> He panicked and plowed into the bubbles, bumping into Mobius knew what,
STRIDER: And, with that, Eacaraxe ate him. The end.
> trying to find something recognizable to grab on to.
SAM: Insert tasteless fondling riff here... it's just too easy to
actually do.
> It was so weird, when she was missing an arm and both legs, and those
> oversize!
STRIDER: Those oversize what?
FRODO: So, her arm and legs are oversize and nonexistent at the same
time?
> And she wasn't helping; once she playfully slapped his hand away.
SAM: Hey, baby, I only go to first base on the first date!
> Finally he saw an ear before him and reached for it. His other hand found
> her neck and went around it,
STRIDER: Ah, I get it! He's going to strangle her and leave her body to
bob in the lake...
FRODO: Manw', why so dark now? We're almost done!
> just as her hand encircled his waist. He brought her
> to the surface. She had only been under a few seconds.
SAM: Ah, so that sequence was written in real time?
> "Whoo!" she sprayed water, and sneezed. She shook water from her drooping
> ears and looked at him coyly. "Nice catch."
STRIDER: Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more...
> "Sorry."
FRODO: I'm sorry I saved you! If I hadn't, the story might have
ended...
> He sneezed, too. They were sinking; she felt pretty dense,
SAM: Well, she also *is* pretty dense, for that matter.
> probably from the joints inside her.
> But he bore her up easily. He loved doing it; he could have held her up
> beside him in the water for years, if necessary,
FRODO: Hey, you know what you call a rabbit with one arm and no legs
floating in a lake, right?
STRIDER: Gee, what do they call her, Frodo?
FRODO: Bobette!
> looking at the water run between her fur, smelling the smell of her skin.
STRIDER: OK, if they start playing the Very Special Episode music, I'm
gone.
> "Let's go out to the raft," she suggested, breaking the spell.
>
> He stroked slowly, carefully,
SAM: Do I even need to say anything? This thing is doing its own hentai
riffs!
> out toward the equipment float. She kept her arm -- her right arm, her
> only arm --
STRIDER: The one-armed Bunnie? Didn't she kill Richard Kimbel's wife?
> around his chest, looking over his left
> shoulder. As they moved, he was very careful not to wash her off to one
> side or the other.
FRODO: Unfortunately, he ignored the sign on her back saying "Warning:
not for use as a flotation device..."
> It struck him how precarious her position was, with only an arm
> and a hand to stroke with.
STRIDER: Well, not to mention the fact that they're doing a furry
rendition of the classic "carrying the maiden off" scene from _Creature
From the Black Lagoon_...
> How helpless she was in water! And yet, if she wore her massive limbs now,
> she would not float.
SAM: Hmm... so she's doing something very stupid and risking her life
just because it's kinda sorta fun. Why does this not sound like a
greatly character-breaking action for Bunnie?
> That was obviously what she wanted to do. She floated just separate from
> him, her hand pressed into his midriff, her front brushing his back
> lightly
STRIDER: And I believe Tails is now at second base on the furry scale...
> as she floated as high as possible.
FRODO: In the name of Eru, she *still* hasn't come down from all that
CRACK-rock? Dang!
> The touch was driving him, he knew, absolutely mad.
STRIDER: I'm mad! I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it
anymore! They're going to take me away - ha HA!
FRODO: Witness the tragic onset of "Mad Anthropomorphic Fox Disease"...
> His erection was a burning iron between his leg.
SAM: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
> Thank Mobius she couldn't see it.
STRIDER: On that note, thank Middle-Earth this story is almost over...
> He felt her coming free to his right
FRODO: <_Star Trek_ ensign> There's a Bunnie off the starboard bow,
captain!
> and corrected for it, sweeping his arms and legs softly. He could feel
> her head back, her face to the sky. What was she looking at? What was
> she seeing?
STRIDER: Oh mah god... it's full of stars!
> Then she tilted forward again, until she was breathing past his left ear.
> Her closed eye pressed against the back of his head.
SAM: Bunnie doesn't have eyes in the back of her head, but she has eyes
in the back of *Tails's*... close enough, I guess.
> Every hair on his head stood at rapt attention to share in the
> experience. They were almost at the raft, and he knew she had already
> given him something he would never, ever forget.
STRIDER: Sam, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you riff on
that line can and will be used against you, somehow.
SAM: Hey, I didn't even have a riff... howzabout we wait for me to say
the disgusting things before you chastise me for them, eh?
> "Stop," she breathed.
STRIDER: Stop! In the name of fanfic!
> He came to a stop. They were at the instrument float; his left shoulder
> softly bumped against the corner of one of the pontoons.
> "Will it hold both of us?"
FRODO: Well, if it was holding a bunch of heavy instruments, it would
presumably have enough weight capacity to allow a few tiny woodland
creatures on board...
STRIDER: Well, that would be true if it was engineered correctly. When
it comes to Rotor, though, all bets are off.
> Again the question came as a soft breath into his ear. His heart skipped
> a beat.
FRODO: Hey, he should have that heart murmur looked at!
> "Yes."
> "I want to ... take in some sun," she said, and smiled into his ear. "Get
> me aboard."
> "Okay," he breathed back.
STRIDER: Tw... er, one and three-quarters to beam up!
> She drifted limp as seaweed
SAM: In contrast to Tails, who was... well, you know. The riffs really
are getting a little old at this point, frankly. But I might as well
keep with it.
> as he moved her around him, to the side of the raft. It was flat, wooden
> bottom, with a few low mountings to the sides.
FRODO: So, they built a float for "instruments", presumably important
electronic equipment, out of creaky wood?
STRIDER: Yep. This *is* Rotor, remember.
FRODO: Well, now I know why Bunnie was worried about the weight
capacity, at least.
> He made her lie back in the water and got his right
> hand under her back. Then he got a firm grip on the raft and pushed her
> up out of the pond.
SAM: Hey, what do you look like when the fanfic makes you pass out?
> Balanced perfectly, head back, eyes closed,
SAM: Yep, seems that way to me!
FRODO: Must you cheat and look ahead, Sam?
SAM: Well... it was a good joke, wasn't it?
> water running off her body, she looked like a goddess -- a limbless one,
> that being the only thing detracting from it.
STRIDER: So she's Venus de Milo! Get ON with it!
> Tails maneuvered her over the side of the float and lay her down on her
> left side. She came awake, then, and put her right arm down. She then
> rolled herself once left, to make room for him. He almost laughed at the
> sight,
FRODO: Haw
haw! Amputees are funny! Let's mock them!
SAM: Uh, Frodo? The fanfic isn't actually attacking you...
FRODO: How can you be *sure*?
> but bit his tongue to stop.
> "Is the sun in the right place?" she asked, softly, playfully.
STRIDER: You know, it's a nice day if it doesn't rain! No, wait... Bunnie's not bright enough to be a Delta Knight.
Sad as that is.
> The moon was full, high overhead. "Yes," he said.
SAM: But... that's not the sun! That's the moon! Who in Eru's name does
Tails think he's kidding?
> Her gesture said, come join us.
FRODO: "Us"? Is Antoine up on the float too, or something?
> He clumsily climbed onto the float, and almost cried out as his erection
> glanced off the wood.
SAM: See, it's funny, because it's a pun, and... oh, screw it.
> Quickly he got onto his back, and wormed his way over to
> be next to her.
STRIDER: Just picture Tails worming over on his back for a second...
now *there's* a bizarre mental image.
> A glance showed her eyes were closed. Good thing, because his
> stiff little prick was pointing straight up in the air. Not so little at
> all, tonight. He gasped at its presumption.
SAM: Wait a second, wasn't it doing this a few hours ago? This is like
the Erection that Wouldn't Die!
> "OK, hon?" she murmured.
> "Yeah," he murmured back, careful to give no hint of his agitation.
> They lay there, rocking gently to the dying ripples of the pond,
STRIDER: Pleath! Thomeone help me! Thonic got thick of my
acthent and had me fitted for concrete thoeth!
> for what seemed like hours.
FRODO: Ah, so it *was* written in real time...
> Tails knew that what he lay next to was incomplete; it
> lacked essential parts.
STRIDER: Don't worry about that, son! We'll just take 'er
into Big Bob's Chop Shop and get 'er fitted out in a jiff! If the paint
colors don't quite match, well...
> But when he turned his head to the left to view her,
> he saw an arm, and a head, and the curve of a shoulder. She looked
> complete to him.
SAM: Tails learned almost too late that Bunnie was a feeling
creature...
> In his mind she seemed to take on a glow beyond the moon, so she blazed
> with a feminine fire.
FRODO: Well, there's "feminine fire", and then there's Spontaneous
Furry Combustion...
> He lay peacefully, jutting toward the sky, looking up through
> the depths into the blinding glow of the moon.
STRIDER: How bright can the freaking moon be? Or did they just have a
nuclear meltdown of the lunar branch of the Springfield Power Plant?
> And when he turned from that and looked at her, and the rise and fall of
> her chest as she lay sleeping, with that glow around her,
FRODO: Ooh, she's got a white aura. That's gonna screw up their combat.
Too bad Bunnie's such a great levelling mob...
> and then back to the moon again, he could not decide which was more
> beautiful. He never went to sleep.
STRIDER: Uh oh, looks like Tails drank a little too much Jolt before
heading to the pond...
SAM: SUUUUUUURGE!
>====================================================================
> ===========
FRODO: And, with that nifty little punctuation thingy, we are *outta*
here!
ALL: Woohoo!
SAM: I thought that one was never going to die!
[S&TH exit the theater.]
[Door Sequence]
[Scene: SoL Bridge. Frodo is back into his usual costume.]
STRIDER: Well, seeing as today has been such a failure for host
segments, I'm going to try something fairly simple this time. What have
we learned from "Tail"?
FRODO: Well, *I* learned that even well-written stories, like "Tail",
have the potential to be goofy and kinda bad.
SAM: I learned that foxes and rabbits really *were* meant to kill each
other, preferably without talking.
FRODO: I learned that Tails is a troubled individual needing help
through a tumultuous part of his life - too bad he's stuck in that dumb
"Sonic" cartoon.
SAM: I learned that cybernetic limbs are evil.
FRODO: I learned that, traditional though "Manos" pastiches may be,
they're not that easy to participate in.
SAM: I learned that planning *anything* around Gollum is a really,
really bad idea.
STRIDER: Hmmm... well, I don't know what you're talking about on the
last two, but I'll keep them in mind. Anyway, let's report the damages
to Sheela Peryroyl and pals down there.
[Strider hits the Mad Light.]
[Deep Under 13. Gollum is still lying unconscious on the floor, but the
other Mads are out in their usual places.]
PEARL: Hey, little buddies! How was the hurting?
LOBELIA: Yeah! How's the view from the ninth floor of Barad-Dur, anyway?
[SoL]
STRIDER: Well, the hurt was... hurtful. Wait - weren't you guys
fighting at the beginning of the experiment?!
[Deep Undcr 13]
LOBELIA: That we were. But, once I pointed out the value of cooperation
to Pearl here -
PEARL: Wait, Emeticina, didn't *I* point out cooperation to *you*?
LOBELIA: Of *course* not! *I* pointed it out first! And "Emeticina"?
Your stupidity never fails to amuse me...
PEARL: Never fails to *amuse* you? Why don't you say that to my face,
shrimpy? Oh, wait, you *can't*...
LOBELIA: Argh... has the oxygen deprivation gotten to your brain, or
what?
[Lobelia and Pearl launch into another fight in the background. Lotho
sighs and walks towards center stage.]
LOTHO: Well, they managed to keep the peace for the length of an
experiment, at least. Anyway, we were just about to drag Gollum here
outside so we could start eating when you cal -
[Lotho is interrupted as Gollum begins to come to. He lifts his head
slowly and eventually shuffles to his feet, his disheveled look adding to
the Torgo effect. Gollum glances around, confused.]
GOLLUM: What - what has happened to uss? Lasssst thing we remember, we
were being paid for our lembassssss, yesssss....
[SoL. Frodo and Sam's faces have fallen, to Strider's general
confusion.]
FRODO: All that work... all that planning... and he gets *amnesia*? So
it was all for nothing?
SAM: I guess we've got no choice than to stick it out for a few more
experiments, then.
STRIDER: Guys... what are you talking about?
FRODO: I'll explain later.
SAM: But let me ask one question... Gollum! Do you suffer from long-term
memory loss?
[Deep Under 13. Lotho is staring at Gollum, who is still standing in
place, as if he was waiting for something.]
GOLLUM: Hmm... we can't remember! Oh well...
LOTHO: OK, Gollum, we paid you for the freaking lembas. What more do
you *want*?
GOLLUM: We wantss... we wants... all we wantsss is our tip, yessssssss.
LOTHO: (sighs in relief) Oh, is *that* all?! Here you go!
[Lotho rummages around in his pocket, brings out a handful of small
coins and lint, and gives it to Gollum.]
GOLLUM: Thank you! Enjoy your Lembassssss...
[Gollum exits.]
SARUMAN: Well, that was bizarre. Now, onto the food... oh, wait.
[Saruman walks over to the control panel and pushes the button (not the
Big Red Button, the other one). We hear a *FWOOSH*, and the screen goes
black. We hear chewing noises.]
LOTHO: Wait... are lembas *supposed* to be warm?
[The chewing sounds stop abruptly. After a short pause, we hear the
sounds of four people all doing a spit take at once. On that cheery note,
the Love Theme begins...]
CREDITS WHERE THEY'RE DUE
Middle-Earth Science Theater 3000, Episode 102: "Tail"
Original story by Lex Concord
MiSTing by Amanda Van Rhyn
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" created by Joel Hodgson
"The Hobbit", "The Lord of the Rings", "The Silmarillion", and all
other things pertaining to Middle-Earth created by
J. R. R. Tolkien
This MiSTing was done by permission of Lex Concord. Thanks a lot, Lex!
Sorry if I got a little rough on "Tail"; it wasn't really bad, but
it was good bot fodder...
The original version of "Tail" can be found at Bookshire Draftwood's
Sonic Fanfiction Archive, at http://www.acmelabs.com/~bookshir/ .
The Fevered Little Minds Web site, home to the MEST3K Page, is at
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Lair/1868/MiSTings/
Special Thanks:
- First of all, I'd like to thank the many people who were there for me
throughout the long, slow process of MiSTing "Tail", including (right
off the top of my head - there are probably others) RJ Bachler, Antaeus
Feldspar, Drew Lytle, Evan Eckstein, and William Crain. I couldn't have
done it without you, folks.
- I also need to extend my gratitude to whoever told me about
Bookshire's site as a bot fodder archive. It's been invaluable for
discovering MiST-bait, all right.
- Oh, and I'd like to thank Katie for getting me the book before
graduation. Woohoo! Although I have yet to get the thingy... (It's a
really long story.)
- And finally... I'd like to thank Austi. Why? Because.
[Disclaimer: "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and all characters,
settings, situations, or anything thereof is (c) Best Brains Inc. All stuff
Middle-Earthy is (c) J.R.R. Tolkien and/or his estate and/or whoever owns
the copyright now. Sonic the Hedgehog and all related deelybobbers is (c)
Archie Comics and SEGA. All other copyrighted stuff is (c) its owners. All
rights reserved. No copyright infringement is intended: I don't own any of
these things and never will. Please don't sue me; you wouldn't get anything.
No offense is meant to anyone. This was done in the spirit of fun. All
characters, places, or situations mentioned anywhere in this MiSTing or the
report itself are either fictitious or used fictitiously. All resemblence to
reality is coincidental.
Do not read this MiSTing while operating heavy machinery.]
[Legal Stuff: This MiSTing of "Tail" is (C) Amanda Van Rhyn and
Fevered Little Minds Productions, 1999. This MiSTing can be freely
distributed provided you give me and Lex the credit we're due, contact me
beforehand, and don't mutilate it. Meta-MiSTing isn't mutilation if you ask
me first. Post this at any archive, anywhere; I couldn't care less about
your Web site host or ISP. Do not fold, spindle, or submerge in water.]
> "This is all _your_ fault," he snapped at his erection, which still bobbed
> happily between his legs, ignoring his internal crisis.
(
geocities.com/timessquare/lair/1868) (
geocities.com/timessquare/lair) (
geocities.com/timessquare)