Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest chest?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother?
A. You can negotiate with the terrorist!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mother in-laws.

Q. Why did god invent alcohol?
A: So fat women can get laid too.

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