Welcome, you little scums! Here are the letters I recieved for the month of April, so HAPPY READING, DAMNIT!
MUSTADIO
6/13/99---HEEEEEEEEEEYLO out there to all of you Mustadio Fans! It's been a while since I got some mail, but now I do! He h heh. got me some reeeeeeal mail today from---huh? Jessica Hodges again? (Notice the "S" there, Bookie!):) What now??
Dear Mustadio,
Hello sucker! I would just LOVE to say, you're mailbag is the worst I've seen
in my years online! You're ruining a good game, as well as a good mailbag,
you baka! Can't wait to see if I'll have to force-feed Akane's
jalepeno-and-nutmeg peanut butter cookies to you! See you later, sucker!
Jessica Hodge (Add a 's' and I promise, you will be eating Akane's food for a
while until Sailor Pluto lets me go back in time and start over, only this
time with a VERY nice mallet, and with a pissed off sister and Tendo Akane!)
......*SIGH*....Okay I've got one question for you, "Bookie". If my mailbag sucks so bad, why are you still writing to me? I mean, come on, I know people complain about having a sucky mail bag section, but you've already written to me twice! Oh, and if I'm the sucker, look who's talking.....I think I saw you advertising for Charms Blowpops posing as one of thier newests SUCKERS!! I'm ruining a good game? Your ruining my mailbag!! I'm "Baka?" If I'm "Baka" then you must be "Caca" (Caca means shit in spanish for all you illeterates out there). Fine, be my guest and feed me Akane's shit, see if I care. Can't be as bad as Alicia's cooking, and as for Pluto, I'll be sure to hunt her down and ram her ass down with my new Dodge Ram.
P.S. HOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDGEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS okay? And I'm not afraid of your sister and her two man army. come and get me! *puts on boxing gloves*
4/29/99
Good evening to all the losers who have no life and are out there surfing the net (boy WE should talk now..). Today I have a letter to put up from Jessica Hodge(s)!! Let's see what she has to say to me today.
Dear Mustadio,
What is your deal with making Ramza into a girl-type guy? Puh-lease, that is
so stupid. Sure, he looks like a girl in the first chapter, but trust me, he
is a guy, even if he is, well, gay.
Jessica Hodge (If you add an s, I'll go after you with Akane's cooking AND
hammer and Sailor Pluto's time staff.)
Well, if it aint the sister of Miss HOOOOOOOOODDGES. First of all, I don't make Ramza that way, he's naturally like that. But of course, morons like you are too dumb to notice that (Crono smacks Mustadio) Er, I mean, you don't have the EYES to see that. Here's another thing. Crono thought Ramza was a guy as well in chapter 1 of the story and created a love story between him and Delita!! hahahahah!!!! And how do we know Ramza really is a guy? Would you be the kind volunteer to "check" if he's a man or not?? I sure as hell don't wanna be the one to find out.
P.S. Bye bye, Jessica Hodgessssssssssssssss.
4/19/99
GOOOOOOOOD morning out there, rejects of the world! I have great news!! I've got some kleenex!!, er, letters!! 3 of them to be exact. The first one is written by that Dyne fellow. Let's see what today's whiners have for me..
Dear Mustadio,
I'm having huge trouble with my serious fiction. Basically, it sucks, my plots suck the writing sucks, everything sucks!! Is there any way I can improve those fics?
P.S. I'm still mad at you, watch for my next deathmatch fic (heh heh).
Whew. Short letters ,that's what I like, ese!!!!! Now for your response, it's quite simple and short, like your letter. I agree with you one hundred percent on your fics. They suck. But, hey you saved me the trouble of having to tell you about it!
To improve your fics, you just don't have any talent, amigo!
Hey, if you dare put me in that deathmatch fic, I'll crank call your house every night AND FLUSH THE TOILET 100'S OF TIMES! Or if not, I'll find you and ram down your ass with my '99 pick up truck! Or worse to worse, I'll go down to your house and take a shit on all your precious plants and lawn decorations.
4/19/99--Weee! More toilet paper--er, mail for me!! (HEY!! TOILET PAPER IS EXPENSIVE THESE DAYS!) This letter is from some loser with loser problems of the loser world. He left no email address but his nickname being "Stinky". Ew...
Dear Mustadio,
I'm having trouble with my girlfriend, apparently she only pays attention to me whenever other girls are talking to me but other than that, she treats me like dirt. I sort of feel like Archie Andres (copyright Archie comics). What should I do?
Stinky
OKAY STINKY....first of all I think I made myself clear before, but in case not, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM, DEAR ABBY??? I don't have time for reject problems of the world..but if you really want my opinion, I'll give it to you. If your girlfriend is treating you like dirt, MAYBE IT'S CAUSE YOU ARE DIRT!!! There would be no other reason. Girls like that only dig the hot dudes like me :) hee hee. Also, if she only talks to you when other girls are around you it's cause the BITCH WANTS A PIECE OF ATTENTION!! YEAH!! She knows your getting popular and wants to use you to her advantage, not that its gonna work, cause losers like you don't get anywhere, not even outta a paper bag, much less popular. Either that or she's green with envy about other girls, which is not likely. The third option is that she herself has got her sights on them lovelys who hang around you. could it be that....*gasp* she's after the chicks who hang out with you? She's.....using you only to get to the girls??? Oh heaven forbid!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! You poor pound of dirt and soil...being stepped all over...
4/19/99
Heh heh...and the letters just keep pourin' in!! Today we got a letter from someone who whines over the letter s. Geez..anyway, let's see what Samantha Hodge(s!!!) has to say to me.
*reaches into mailbag*
What is it with your oppestion with makeing Ramza and Delita gay? EWWW!
That's a nasty thought!
(P.S. What the hell is the oppestion with Ramza about? He is SO not cute, he
looks like a girl!)
Samantha Hodge(no S, damn you!)
ER....first of all, i'm not quite sure you used the word oppestion correctly..but then again, how would I know? :) You think your all bad-ass using them big words?? Well, Mustadio here ain't impressed at all!!! (*Crono-chan whaps Mustadio*) Er, sorry, bout that, I mean, I think that Ramza and Delita are a cute couple cause of the fact that Ramza is feminine looking. I mean, with someone who has radiant blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes, wouldn't I, er, Delita have a hard time not resisting him?What is so nasty about them being together??Considering the situation, Agrais and Ramza together would be the exact opposite...Agrais being very NON feminine and Ramza as the girl. Heh, sound better to you?? besides...GAYITY IS GOOD!!!
3/16/98
Well well well, lookie what the cat dragged in...a couple of letters for me! *sniff* I feel important...you guys really do love me :). Okay enough with the mushy shit and let's get right to the letters *reaches in mailbag*
Dear Mustadio,
For some reason I think Ramza is cool but I just love to torment him, as
a result people don't like my fanfictional character who is usually the
one who makes Ramza's life a living hell. That's what Dav lives for
though, making Yuffie and Ramza miserable. What should I do?
PS: You're not running a bad mailbag!
First of all, I think you have a crush on Ramza. I know the feeling...sometimes Ramza does tend to have that "feminine look" so don't worry about it amigo..it's okay to be gay..*evil grin*. Next thing is that you should consider ditching that jerk of a partner of yours. If you wanna score with Ramza, you gotta get rid of the barrier in your way..your partner! Love has no barriers or bounderies! Go for the gold! Your secret's safe with me about your loving Ramza..heh heh. You said you liked him :>.
HEY EVERYONE, DYNE HAS A CRUSH ON RAMZA!! HAHAHAH! Like I said pal, kill of your partner and then you can do whatever you want with Ramza and Yuffie..:>
A-ha! A second letter has arrived today and it's from some guy named John. Hehehe...some letters just deserve to be trashed! But I don't do so cause Crono will get mad.
Dear Mustadio,
I just wanted to know. Is their any particular reason that Algus is such a dick? And I probably missed something, but what is Delita's obsession with pudding?
compliments to the Chef,
John
Ah, my friend you must be getting senile. Didn't you see they part in "Reed Pipes/Delita's Anger" where Delita and Ramza were eating a pudding cup? Oh, you can only see that scene if you play the game 4 times through, use the game shark code 5685944 and play the game 1 more time through, then you should see a special scene where Ramza and Delita are chowing to pudding cups. (Crono: he's bullshitting!) Hmm..I still cannot believe you haven't seen that scene yet...I mean EVERYONE'S already seen it before...god, you must be living in a rock or something! :) Keep in touch and let me know if you get to see it. If it dosen't work, then that's too bad. You're also missing out on a Ramza/Delita/and Algus love scene. As for Algus, he is like that because as a child, he was dropped and hit on the head a couple of times. Not only that, but he developed a phobia to commoners due to the time some 5th grader commoner stole his brand new fancy lunch box on the school bus. There's your answer.
3/15/98
Hehehehe...good day out there losers! I've been sitting flat on my ass now for almost 4 months now without a letter! I was really beginning to think all of yas hated me, but not today! Because today I got a letter!! *snickers* And a reaaaaaaly long one too..this one comes from Cherden. lets see what this is about.
Letter to Mustadio
Composed in the basement of the library...
Ooooooooooohkay first of all I'm going to be blunt with you (as if I'm never blunt)...you both sound completley bonkers...I've never met anyone as cracked up as you too...hey dont look at me like that, I'm not cracked up! Maybe moody, but not crazy!! Anway, first of all, Scott, you sound gay...I mean a time mage?? God!! that has got to be one of the faggotiest jobs around!! Try something more "manly" like a knight or ninja...second of all, Ramza and Delita are gay...even though Crono says that they're not! I also appreciate your liking me scott, but I do have something for you...please do not be offended or anything..I take pride in making sure I don't offend my dear readers (Crono: Bullshit)...YOUR LETTER IS TOO DAMN LONG!! sheesh...obviously you have a lot of free time on your hands, I recommend you do something other than bug me with your letters! Like, try playing in heavy traffic. It sounds like fun to me!
11/30/98
Gooooooooooooooooood morning you now fat asses. I know you ate lots and lots of turkey and pumpkin pie, so you gotta be fat asses by now. *Burp* Well I'm back to my shitty, er, cool job! Okay...let's find the first letter of the week..mmm *reaches into his bag* okies! This one is from...Kletian???? Oh well...lets read.
Dear Mustadio,
This is from your socerer pal, Kletian
Yup, I would be the absolute best if I could move first because I have the
dragon rod and a mace of zeus the second time
The only problem is Orlandu, that freak of a lightning stab old geeze
Oh well, I just have 2 questions. Wheres the @%&!! Chirijiraden? (samuraisword)
also, I heard there was a weird esutcheon that was gold and the best shield.
I wanna find those for myself! Even though I can't use either =)
Okay....first of all you suck because I, the great Mustadio, hate AOL...it sucks. Second of all, I don't remember you being my pal...in fact, I fought your slimy ass and beat ya! Ha ha ha!
Now for your questions...WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM, GAMEPRO OR SOMETHING???? Damn you, how should I know where those thingys are? And even if I knew, I wouldn't tell you because you are an aol user...I hate Aol users!! Ha haha! Now go home before I get mad =).
11/24/98
Howdy folks out there! (now don't start taking me for a hick!) I'm getting more popular out there (gee wonder why?) =). Hope you people are ready to stuff yer'selves and become world class fat asses..HA HA HA..anyway, this is the last letter before the holidays of Thanksgiving so "HAPPY THANKSGIVING!"---...u fat asses...----.
Dear Mustadio,
First things first, I'm a girl. And I'm not gay when I say love and
admiration for Agrias, I just mean she's the greatest character in Final
Fantasy Tactics. Here's my question concerning you. When you join my
party, why the HELL is it that you are at a measily LEVEL 12 while
everyone else is at like, level 25?! Guess you really are a worthless
wimp. Go home to Besrodio, you're due in for a lotta spankings! Crazy
son of a b****!
*SIGH* FIRST OF all, I compliment you on your compliments of Agrias. She really is something eh? okay...now for the other thing...YOU SUCK. I come at level 12 because if I came any stronger, there'd be no challenge to the game..I'd be to strong! I'M NOT WORTHLESS! I'm just.....what's that I hear? Is that your mommy calling you girl? OH SORRY! Better go home and get YOUR spankings..hee hee..and if papa ever tries to spank me, I'll give him a wedgy..just like Sayion_Boy HA HA HA HA HA.
11/24/98
Heeeeeeeeeyllo everyone! I got another letter! Hee hee! This one's from someone who did't want to give his name, I suppose. Gee...it's not like I'm gonna reveal anything online =)....hey, why you looking at me like that? I promise I won't reveal anything!
Yesterday Agrias told me she doesn't like you anymore and shes going steady whit Ramza now.
No name specified(email this person please)
First of all,it's obvious you don't know anything cause YOU CAN'T SPELL FOR SHIT!!!!! ahem...anyway I think your full of it, Mr, or Ms or whatever you are! Man...now I know your definatley full of it...can't even tell what the hell u are...*shudder*
11/23/98
You crazy SOB! Heh heh! Don't ever change buddy! But settle down a
little! Advice from a friend! Just take a deep breath and come enjoy
some cold Sam Adams with me! (But if you wanna moon cars, that's your
beez-wax!) Ok, this is "Ask Mustadio" so I may as well include a
question! Does your popsy know about your behavior? And why is Delita
whining about pudding when, as a king by Ovelia's side, he can bye all
the pudding he wants? Just a thought, y'know?
ME? MOONING CARS?? WHERE THE HELL DID U GET THAT IDEA KIDDO? Ah but them Sam Adams do sound nice...gimme yer phone number and addy (NO I'M NOT GAY!) and the both of us can enjoy some of those (you paying, right?) Sam Adams. AS for your question, I think Delita is just being spoiled. He knows he can buy all the pudding cups and stuff, but he's whining just to get Ramza's attention :). Now, I shouldn't be spreading rumors and stuff, but he does alot of things to try and catch his attention ~_^.
11/01/98
I think I know why you are always so angry all the time. You are
probably trying to get back at Ramza-chan for telling worker 8 to beat
you up! Either that or you just need a lot of help (mentaly). If so, I
know a great pchyciatrist that could help you.
Hmm...it has nothing to do with that, believe me, worker 8 got his just deserts, that damn tin can with bolts for brains! I left him out in the rain for a while...WELL HE NEEDED THE SOOTHING FEEL OF SPRING RAIN!! HA HA HAHAHHA!! What? You think I need help? You say that one more time, and I'll come up behind ya, reach for your underwear AND DRIVE IT UP YER ASS, GIVING YOU A WEDGY!! HA HA HA!! I AM NOT CRAZY!! HA HA HAHAHAH!!!
10/5/98
Hey, I love you, Mustadio, I find people that condescend others constantly to be the sexiest life on the planet! Would you have my children??!?! =)
Hey, now, I don't do that gay stuff! Try Delita Hyral or Ramza BEoulve! I'm sure they'd love to have your kids! If you can't, you can make yourself straight again by calling 1-800-USA-BABES and trust me this IS a real hotline with horny chikcs. The action there is sure to get your mind off me.
9/9/98
Dear Mustadio
Why are you so cruel? You brute! I bet even that moody, double crossing, hunchbacked piece of crap Dycedarg could run a mailbag better than you! If you weren't dead and about 400,000 years old, I'd kill you you medevil scum!!
Rizzo,
*Sigh* Me cruel? You @##in asshole, what gave you that idea? Are you trying to ruin me? If you are, nice try!! And....who says I'm dead? I'm here shooting my trap and reading these piece of shit letters which could be useful to us midevilers for toilet paper and YOU SAY I'M DEAD? and by the way....AGRIAS IS MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!!! YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER YOU @#$#$%#%@$#@#@@#$#%$^%&#$^%$$$$$$$$$$$$&$%^$#@$#@#@$%#^$##%@##
7/20/98
Dear Mustadio
I'm wondering......is Rufus Shinra related to the male knights in Final Fantasy Tactics? they look almost alike! Do you think maybe one of the knights was his anscestors?
Sephiroth_18 (no email address specified)
WHY the hell are you asking me this? Does it look like I care? Do you really need to know?............(looks at an angry Ramza) Okay, okay, I'll answer you because Ram-chan said that this is his page and he expects me to do a good job of running this column. Anyway, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR DAMN EYES, MAN, THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE EACH OTHER! Rufus Shinra and the male knights are NOT related, though I do remember once Andy, one of the knights, had a REALLY wild night going on with this female knight named Alicia and....oh, well, I don't need to go into the details....
7/20/98
Dear Mustadio
WHAT ON EARTH happened to Ramza's ponytail? I played till after Chapter 1, and it never mentioned anything. how did he lose it?
Well, my dear, he ran out of toilet paper. Figure the rest out yourself.
Dear Mustadio,
I have a problem. See, I have a boyfriend and we really like each other but the other day, I just went out ONE TIME with another guy just to get him off my back and he gets all angry!
Mustadio, he's gonna break up with me what do I do?
Well, Lisa first of all WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM, DEAR ABBEY? I got better things to do, like farting and stuff! But if you insist on an answer, here it is, plain and simple.
Dear Mustadio,
Hello there. You are not Mustadio! I am MUSTADIO! You imposter. I should be the one writing to people! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU! Allen,
Alrighty, I didn't know some other couple named thier kid Mustadio. Gee, how swell. Anyway, kid, it's nice to pretend your someone else for fun, but sometimes you can get into trouble if you do it too much. But hey, at least you had good taste in choosing me to be imitated! *sigh*
Well folks, that's all the mail I recieved so far, keep sending it in! Please send your questions and comments to the Mailbag and I'll be happy to read it and answer your questions on the net! Please address the subject as Mustadio's Mail. Until next time, adios!!!
MUSTADIO
Second of all, tell your sister that if she thinks she can scare me with her 2 man army (you and her) then she's got another thing coming, sweetie!! I belong to the trenchcoat Mafia and I've got my 3 man army with me!
MUSTADIO
MUSTADIO
MUSTADIO
As for your closing remark, that was a mistake done by Crono-chan, not me. But if you insist, I SHALL CALL YOU WHAT I WANT, DAMNIT!! I'll put an S if I feel like it!! SAMANTHA HODGES, HODGES, HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODGES
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD
GGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS(*Crono whaps Mustadio*)
MUSTADIO
MUSTADIO
MUSTADIO
First of all, I totally agree with you. Ramza and Delita are too much
into each other. I mean, Ramza's only excuse for being such a girley
boy would be that "somebody has to play the part".
Hahahhaaha....ahem...
Secondly, I do not agree with you that Agrias is all that great. She
BLAMED GOD when Delita told her to "Blame [her]self, or God." Which, in
itself, isn't all that bad, but she just gets on my damned nerves! If
she thinks she's going to get away with killing off all the stinkin'
enemies before I collect every damn crystal or treasure chest, she is
just WRONG!
(Cherden...sorry, I have to interject. Scott is lying...he's completely
infatuated with Agrias! Oh by the way, Mustadio, I think you are soooo
kawaii^_^)
AHEM! Who the hell asked you to comment in my @#$$%^$%^@$%#$% letter!
I am not infatuated with her...although I admit, I do sometimes wonder
what's under all that armor! Eh heh, but now I've rambled because of
stupid Cherden. Stay out of my letter, wench! What the hell,
commenting that you think Mustadio is cute? Do you want people to think
I'm GAY?
Putting all that aside, I gotta say that I admire your attitude,
Mustadio. You gotta show those fools who's "king of the rock", and if
that means insulting their intelligence, their looks, their family, or
even their pets, then good for you!
Mustadio
MUSTADIO
MUSTADIO
Dear Mustadio,
MUSTADIO
Ha ha ha...I'm getting popular! Got a couple of letters sent to moi!! Ha ha ha...ahhh.I'm gettin ready for thanksgiving and these letters would make dandy napkins for me :) Here we go now with the first letter sent in by Citan-Uzuki
Dear Mustadio,
MUSTADIO
Hey there, punks! How'd ya all enjoy yer Halloween? I enjoyed mine! I trick or treated since 5:00 in the afternoon and stopped at 10:00! Wheee! i got lots of candy! Those shitty butterscotch candies, jawbreakers and cheap candies(like the Brach's brand Pic-a-Mix) were all given out to the little trick or treaters...easy way to get rid of the candy you don't want. Ah, hell, today I'm on my ass reading this toilet paper, er letter and munching on butterfingers..
Dear Mustadio,
MUSTADIO
Good day out there, you crabby little morons out there! I'm finally back in buisness! I got another letter, finally! You all love me so much..*sniff*! Okay, this piece of junk, er, letter is from Maker and what a strange name you have, maker!
Dear Mustadio,
MUSTADIO
Hello, hello, I'm back! What happened? Well no one wanted to send a letter to me!!!I've been sittin' on my ass for a whole month, dammit! But not today...cause today....I GOT A LETTER! AND THIS TIME, THE DUDE DOSEN'T MIND SPECIFYING HIS EMAIL ADDRESS! Anyway, Rizzo has a rather, uh, nice letter for me. Let's see what's on his mind....
with love and admiration for Agrias.
(CRONO stuffs Mustadio)MUSTADIO
Well, well well!!!! Sephiroth_18 here has sent us a letter asking a question even I wonder myself.
MUSTADIO
Hmm....a young lady by the name of Tifa has written about a VERY interesting question that I'd be more than happy to answer! +_+
MUSTADIO
7/20/98
La la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaa *fart* whoops! Heh heh, ignore that. Sorry about being so happy it's just that I'm getting mail! Okay today we've got a letter by Lisa a young lady from Texas. She asks.............
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU @#$%^!!!!
MUSTADIO
7/17/98
Okay, here first letter today. This is sent from a young man named Allen. Let's see what kinds of questions or comments he has for me today.
The One and Only, MUSTADIO!
MUSTADIO