Written by Pretty Stalker
Ramza goes Camping- A semi-parody of "Into the Woods"
*SCENE 1*
Narrator: Ramza, and his friends; Delita, Mustadio, Agrias, Alma, Teta, Alicia, David, Meliadoul, Rad, Algus, Beowulf, Reis and Ovelia are travelling down the road in a beat up old VW bus. They're going camping in Sweegy Woods. Since there's 14 people in that tiny bus, there's not really much space to move. Everyone is bored to death. But, it doesn't matter anyway... Let us begin with the epic adventure of a lifetime...
ONCE UPON A TIME....
(Music starts up- the first song begins.) (to the tune of "Into the Woods- prelude")
Agrias: I wish...
Narrator: In Ivalice...
Agrias: More than anything...
Narrator: ...Drived 14 people...
Agrias: More than life...
Narrator: ...A refrigerator...
Agrias: More than Swords...
Ramza: I wish... More than life...
Narrator: In a really old VW bus...
Beowulf and Agrias: I wish...
Ramza: More than anything...
Agrias, Ramza and Beowulf: More than the moon...
Ramza: I wish...
Agrias: Were going on a camping trip...
Beowulf and Reis: More than life...
Ramza: I wish...
Agrias: I want to go on the camping trip...
Beowulf and Reis: More than riches...
Ramza: I wish...My window would roll down
Agrias:...I lost the map, but...
Beowulf, Alma and Agrias:...more than anything...
Beowulf: I wish we had more room!
Ramza: Think...Think...
Reis: I want more room!
Ramza: think...fool...
Agrias: They're going to be mad at me..
Beowulf, Reis: I wish we might have some room...I wish...
(Teta, Ovelia and Meliadoul from the backseat taunting Agrias, for she seems to know where she's going without a map, and they're jealous.)
Ovelia: Do you know where we are? Agrias, do you know where we are? Do you know where we are?
Teta: You, Agrias, you know where we are? Do you know where we are?
Meliadoul: What,...you know where we are?
Teta, Meliadoul and Ovelia: You know where we are...and where we're going?
Narrator: Agrias was to look after a spoiled woman...
Ovelia: (sneering) She knows where we are!
Narrator: And she had two friends of her own...
Teta: Look where we are!
Meliadoul: Where is the map?
Ovelia: How can you know with no map?
Agrias: Nevertheless, I still know where we're going, and how to get there too!
Teta, Mel and Ovelia: She still knows where she's going and how to get there too! Hmmmph!
Narrator: All three were beautiful of face, but silly, and foolish at heart. Ramza on the other hand, had friends, but his best was his sister.
Alma: I wish...
Narrator: Well, not quite as beautiful...
Alma: I wish... I had a candy bar... I wish the window would roll down, I wish my brother didn't smell, I wish that we were home, I wish a lot of things! (Rad taps on Reis's shoulder)
Reis: What is it, Rad?
Rad: I wish...Well, we've been driving for some time you know, and I'm getting hungry...
Reis: So?
Rad: I'd like a carob cookie...please. Just to keep my hunger pains down for a bit... just a cookie...please.
(Reis reaches into her bag)
Narrator: Ovelia had a surprise for Agrias...
Ovelia: I don't think you know the way. I will blindfold you, and if you can drive for 10 miles, without getting lost, I will give you 10,000 gil!
(She blindfolds Agrias)
Rad: (continuing) And perhaps a Pecan twirl....or 10?
Agrias: (summoning chocobos to guide the car) Chocobos in the sky....Chocobos in the eaves and the leaves and the fields and the castles and ponds...
Rad: And some of that cake...please!
Agrias: Come chocobos...down from the eaves and the leaves over fields, out of castles and ponds!
(Chocobos swoop down and guide the car)
Agrias: Ahhhhh.....
Ramza: (still trying to roll down the window) no roll...
Agrias: Quick chocobos! Run by the car...run and run and swiftly, run by the car...help steer the car! (chocobos are steering the car)
Alma: Ramza...the window's not going to open!
Ramza: But it did last time! I'd swear!
Alma: Look at it! There is gum on the rim! There are holes in the glass! There's a mark on the back, big enough to be crack!
Ramza: But!
Alma: Look, there's no time to sit and wonder! Why bother whether the window won't open! There's a hole instead of a crank! Sometimes I think you're touched!
(Song ends...)
Ramza: Hey, Agrias! How much further do we have?
Agrias: (Driving the bus unblindfolded, now) I dunno. A few hours or so?
Meliadoul: (Trying to put on lipstick, but since it's so crowded, she can barely move- the lipstick goes all over her face) Uggh! Why do we have to go camping anyway? who wants to spend 3 days in the woods?
Algus: (Drinking Surge) Not me!
Beowulf: Hey! Camping builds character!
Mustadio: But...you also said that Scurvy builds character too, remember? On that Carnival cruise?
Ovelia: But...what will I eat for 3 days?
Alicia: I...Need my salad and chocolate!
Rad: (Eating the carob cookie) What?! No food?
Delita: Don't worry! I've got it all taken care of!
Teta: Hey! Does anyone want to look at photos of my new boyfriend?
Alma: Sure! I will! (looking at Teta's photo album and has a weird look on her face) But...Teta, these are all pictures of the Quaker Oats guy...
Teta: I know! Isn't he hot?
Reis: (changing the subject) Does anyone else want some of the wholesome carob-nut flax cookies I packed for the trip?
David: Uh....
Algus: (changes subject again) Does anyone want to see something really cool you can do with Surge? (Takes a big breath in the straw in the cup he's holding)
Agrias: No, not in the car! Algus! Stop! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Algus exhales harshly into the Surge. It explodes out of the cup, and flies everywhere...except on him)
Ovelia: You...cretin! You ruined my gown!
(He shrugs)
Narrator: They drove for many more hours, until finally.....
Teta: Hey! Are we there yet? It's 2:17. We should be there by now.
Agrias: Well...(Pulls into a forest parking lot) Here we are!
Everyone: Oh no! Ooops...we mean...Yay!!!! (They get out of the car except Meliadoul, Ovelia, Teta and Mustadio)
Ovelia: She...did it. Without a map!
Meliadoul: Well, we'll see how well she guides through the forest! Come on, girls! (The exit the car)
Narrator:...Leaving Mustadio to tend to their belongings....
Mustadio: Looks like I'm carrying the luggage again. God help me.
(Everyone is carrying their things except Ovelia, Teta and Meliadoul- Mustadio is carrying it all. They are moving deeper into the woods, towards a camping spot.)
(Song starts back up)
Ramza: Into the woods, who gives a flip?
Agrias: We're going on a camping trip!
Alma: Into the woods, who knows if we will make it through the journey.
Delita: Into the woods, away from here, we're well prepared, we've not to fear!
Teta: Into the woods to pitch the tent!
Mustadio: Into the woods to dump the luggage!
(song fades out...)
Narrator: The exhausted group finally settles on a camping spot. What lies ahead for this daring group of people?