Ramza looked around nervously in the kitchen and checked for perfection. Everyone seemed in an orderly fashion.
Ramza: Now remember everyone, we're going to film this for Crono's Show, the Late Night Show with Crono.
Mustadio: Uh, okay! But are you sure we need this many people?
Ramza looked at the six people in the kitchen besides himself. Mustadio, Orlandu, Beowulf, Cloud, David (a generic male knight) and Algus, of all people. Ramza then noticed David laughing and juggling 3 eggs. Suddenly, one of them fell to the floor with a disgusting splat. He looked at Ramza with a sheepish grin.
Ramza: (slaps hand to forehead) Damn it! Trust me Mustadio, I think we're gonna need more people than the military at this rate!
Mustadio shrugged and proceeded to get another egg. From the camera operating spot, Agrias called out to Ramza.
Agrias: Hey Ramza, 5 seconds to air time! 5, 4, 3, 2, ........
Mustadio arrived back in time. Everyone stood still and put on thier best, fake smiles. Agrias signaled the "your on the air". Ramza began.
Ramza: Good evening out there ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the "Let's cook" segment all about baking! I am your host, Ramza Beoulve. Please meet my bakers!(turns to cast) Introduce yourselves!
Mustadio: Hi, I'm Mustadio Bunanza. Not Bananza or Banana, Bunanza.
Orlandu: And I'm Cidolfus Orlandu, T.G.Cid as they call me. And while we're at it, did you know that at age 65, people on Medicare can now receive Global Life Insurances? Take me, for example, all it takes is $1 a month to.........
Ramza: Next!
Beowulf: I am Beowulf. Er...I just wanna say hi to my family, mom and dad, cousin Vinny, Ray, of course my fiancé, Reis, cousin Matty and.........
Ramza: Next!
David: I'm David Williams, ladies, ladies, yes I'm an available man.....
Suddenly, from the back of the stage, Alicia yelled out in fury.
Alicia: DAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDD!!!! You said you were mine!
Ramza: *sigh* Next!
Algus: I'm Algus Sadalfus and----- oh my heavens, look at that dirt stain on the table! Oh, the humanity, how disgusting, why I never----
Ramza: Anyway, today, we are all gathered here--
Mustadio: (in a low voice) By force.....
Ramza eyes Mustadio evilly and Mustadio clears his throat.
Ramza:----to bake America's favorite snack--chocolate chip cookies!
Olan, who was managing the sound effects, played an audience clapping clip.
Mustadio: What what what? I thought you said we were going to make sugar cookies!
Beowulf: No,no no, no! I thought we were making peanut butter scotchies!
Algus: Shut up, you.....
The three of them begin to argue while Ramza sighed.
Ramza: SHUT THE @#$%# UP!
Everyone is quiet. Olan quickly blurred out the bad words.
Ramza: (putting on cheerful smile as if nothing happened.) Okay, now let's get started! To make these irresistable snacks, follow these simple steps. One, gather the ingredients.
Mustadio: Two, mix 1 1/4 cup of light brown sugar and 2 sticks of butter....ew, are you sure this is sugar? Looks eerily dark to me....
Ramza: Just shut up and stir it in!
Mustadio: Okay, okay! (Begins to mix it all)
David: Step three, add 1 tablespoon vanilla, and milk! (Grabs the carton of milk and takes a huge swig of the milk first, then adds it to batter) Now, put in the eggs (grabs eggs and just simply dumps them in).
Mustadio: You @#%$#$#$#%(Olan is bleeping out the bad words). You're supposed to crack the eggs open first, then dump in what's inside! (cracks open eggs and dumps insides, then throws away the shells).
David: Oh....okay! (stirs mixture)
Cloud: (looks suspiciously at the flour) Are you sure this stuff ain't cocaine or snuff? (Looks at camera.) Oh, sorry, uh, the fourth step is to mix 1 3/4 cups of flour in a separate bowl(dumps flour in another bowl), add 1 teaspoon of baking soda and----- hey, I'm not putting salt in this crap! Who wrote this @$#@#$(Olan bleeps again) recipe, anyway?
Beowulf: Yeah, what kind of moron would put salt in a cookie recipe?
Orlandu: Er...I think Crisco or Mazola Corn Oil wrote it. Anyhow, is there a variation to this recipe? I'm an old man and salt can make my blood pressure rise!
Ramza angrily gets the spoon and the salt from Cloud. Everyone quiets down as Ramza measures the salt and pours it in the flour mixture. Without a word, he goes back to his place.
Cloud: ..................
Orlandu: Now, the fifth step is to add the flour mixture to the batter, but GRADUALLY! (he grabs the bowl and just dumps it in carelessly. The flour spread a lot of dust which caused everyone to sneeze and for Ramza to get his face covered with flour.) Oops, heh heh!
Algus: Oh, dear, I've got flour on my new shirt, how dreadful! Now, I'll have to get it dry cleaned!
Orlandu: Now stir and stir until the mixture is mixed well.
Orlandu stirs and stirs but with difficulty, as the mixture was pretty hard.
Algus: The next step is to....AAAAAAAAGGGGGG!!!!
Everyone was alarmed.
Ramza: What is it? Did you hurt yourself?
Algus: No, worse! I got a cookie dough stain on my new shirt! How horrible, oh the humanity, how miserable, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH1!!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone got anime sweatdrops on the back of thier heads as Algus whined some more.
Ramza: Algus, please continue!
Algus: Fine. Now, add the chocolate chips----(reaches over and grabs empty bag of chocolate chips). Hey, now where are the @#$#$#(Olan STILL bleeping the bad words) chocolate chips!
They all turn to see a distracted Beowulf casually digging in a bag of chocolate chips. He noticed the silence and turns to them. He gets a surprised look.
Beowulf: Eh? What?
Then, Beowulf sheepishly looks at the bag of chips he had, then to the cast.
Beowulf: Oh, oh, I was, uh, just tasting thier freshness...Yeah! That other bag was fresh enough....
Algus snatched the bag of chips away.
Beowulf: Aww, just gimme some more, pwease!
Algus spanks Beowulf's hand away from the bag and makes a snooty "hmph" sound. Beowulf makes a puppy face.
Algus: Okay, now where were we? Oh,yes, (pours entire bag of chips into bowl while Beowulf whimpers). Put in the bag of chips, and then some nuts, if you desire.
Mustadio, Beowulf, and David all at once began to snicker. Algus looks around the kitchen frantically.
Algus: Where are the nuts????(he thunders)
David: I've got some right here! (Tries to pull down his pants. Olan blurrs the spot). Heh-heh.
Algus: Shut up, you!
Mustadio suddenly comes running with the jar full of nuts.
Algus: Thank you. Okay as far as PECANS (gives dirty look at David) you should add ˝ cup of shelled kinds and stir into the mixture.
Ramza: Finally, drop the dough by spoonfuls and set in the oven for 8 minutes for chewy cookies, 11 minutes for hard cookies. Now, let's wait for the cookies!
Agrias pauses the camera to wait for the cookies to bake while Olan played a clip of the audience clapping. 11 minutes later, the cookies were done. Agrias turned back on the camera.
Ramza: Welcome back everyone, and now, lets check on the cookies!
Mustadio, Beowulf, David, Cloud, Orlandu and even Algus jumped up and down excitedly.
Ramza opened the oven with a big smile, but then it dissappeared.
Mustadio: What happened?
Orlandu: Did they burn or something?
Ramza pulls out the tray of what was supposed to be cookies. Instead, they were replaced by Boco's (the chocobo) turds.
Everyone: (smelling the putrid smell)Eww, sick!!!
Cloud: What the hell happened to the cookies, Ramza? I told you all that the flour was no good!
Suddenly, a tall figure appeared by the window.
Voice: Great job, guys! Glad you could do it for me!
Ramza: Who are you and what have you done to the cookies!
Tuxedo Mask theme(japanese version)cues up and the light reveals Delita.
Delita: Mmm, I love crunchy cookies! So long suckers! (Opens window and jumps out)
Ramza: What? Hey you come back here you @$#%$^#$#$$%$#@$@%%^%#%$^%#%$^$#%$%#^^%&$#%#@$%$#%$%$#@#$%^%#%^$$^$#%^#^#^%@@$#$^%%^$%@#$#$$#$@#%#$%^#$^@#$^%#@#!#%%^&**((&$@!#$#^!@##$%%%^$#@#$%%$@@$%%^&^&&%#@^$^$^Y$^#&#^##@!#&^**(%^%*%$@(Poor Olan had to furiously bleep out everything).
Mustadio puts a comforting arm on Ramza's shoulder.
Mustadio: Don' t worry Ram-chan. We can always help you bake more!
David: Yeah, that was fun! Let's do it again, pwease?
Cloud, Beowulf, Orlandu and Algus: Yeah, yeah, cookies!!!!
Ramza looked at all of them and began to cry.
Disclaimer: All characters copyright by Square and the story is copyright by me. Please don't bother suing, I can' t even afford a used car.