Squall and company were seated in Zell's home one Sunday afternoon crowded in his room watching TV. The program on was the latest episode of the Laguna Loire talk show, famous around the country. This afternoon's episode was another one of those everyday issues of "Best Friend stole my boyfriend". Our heros were watching the moment when "Tina" was just about to confront her best friend "Trisha" for stealing her boyfriend.
Tina: Trisha, fuck off you stupid little whore, you took Joey from me!!
Trisha: (putting her hands on her hips) Whatever, Skank! Joey came to me because you couldn't give him any, and I could!
Laguna: (looking at his talk show host cards) So Trisha, you say that Joey has been sleeping with you for the past 3 months?
Trisha: Like hell yeah he didn't want someone like this crack-head! (Points to Tina).
Tina becomes enraged, then lunges forward at Trisha. The two begin pulling each other's hair and kicking, just like most girls do when they fight. The crowd goes into a mad chanting of "Laguna", just like in Jerry Springer show.
Crowd: Laguna! Laguna! Laguna!
The girls fight a bit longer until Kiros stands in and tries to break the two girls apart. The two of them, however, are so enraged and angry that they punch Kiros in the face. He stumbles back, holding his nose in pain.
Kiros: Damn, they 'ain't paying me enough for this crap...(walks away)
Ward notices and steps in, successfully breaking up the fight. (*Author's note: If you have watched Jerry Springer before, you'd remember the big guy "Steve" who would break up the fights. Well in the Laguna Loire Show, Ward is like Steve).
Zell: Ward, Ward, Ward!!
Laguna: (smirking) We're gonna take a commercial break, and I'll be back with today's comments.
The crowd claps and cheers as the show switches to a commercial. Zell then sits back and chuckles to himself.
Zell: Ah, damn, Squall I cannot believe your dad is a talk show host...
Rinoa: Shhh! Zell, that's a spoiler for our readers out there who haven't finished the game!
Quistis : (nodding) A Jornalist gone mad...
Selphie: Tee hee! (Giggles) But he's really cute!
Irvine: Uh-huh! Maybe I should be a talk show host myself if it will round up all the cuties!
Squall: .....whatever.
Zell: Yeah right, loser, you'd never make it in a talk show! Probably get beaten up yourself, cowboy!
Irvine: (frowns)Shut up, chicken-shit, I'll bet a million dollars that if you were talk show host, you'd chicken out and cry and scream in front of the audience, then take a shit in your pants!
Zell: Kinneas, you fucking suck, all you think about is scoring with girls you disgusting pervert!
Irvine: At least I prefer girls, you fucking gay freak!
Quistis: Guys, enough, we don't need a "Laguna Loire Show" right here!
Rinoa: Yeah chill folks!
Before anyone else could talk, the TV began to go haywire, making the screen become snowy and noisy.
Squall: (frowning) Hey!! What the hell??
Selphie: (yelling over the loudness of the "snowy" TV) Zell fix up your stupid TV!!!
Zell: Argh! Stop yelling you little brat, your making things worse!!
Rinoa: (yelling and whining as well) I wanna see what happens to Tina, now hurry up and fix that thing!!
Zell: Argh!!!
Zell gets up, rushes to the TV and begins to examine in. He frowns, then takes another look at it. Nothing. He sits and ponders.
Selphie: (yelling even louder) Come on Zell, come on! We're missing the damn show!!!!
Zell: (finally yelling) I SAID TO SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!!!
Selphie: (yelling even louder) No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not until you fix your stupid cheap ass TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quistis : (picking up her voice) EVERYONE, JUST CALM DOWN OK? Please, you are all getting very out of hand here!!
It's no use as the rest of the gang becomes involved in the shouting match. One by one, they all start yelling at each other. Zell becomes so frustrated that he starts banging the TV even harder.
Zell: (screaming now) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! SOMEONE JUST DO SOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEETTTTTTTHHHIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!
The yelling continues until finally Irvine, who had been sitting in the back relaxing, pulled out his shotgun and fired it at the TV.
Irvine: There. Problem solved. Happy?
The loud shot had brought everyone's attention to the TV, which now had a huge hole in it as well as steaming smoke coming from the back of it. Zell growled in anger.
Zell: Nice going moron! Thanks to you, now we definitely wont be watching the rest of our show! (Bangs his hand on the TV).
Irvine: (frowning) Stop whining, would ya? I at least go the stupid thing to stop messing up, didn't I?
Zell: Argh! You didn't help any, you just fucked up my TV worse!!!
Selphie: Yeah, Irvy, your such a big dummy!
Irvine: Heh, chill babe, I think that his grave little situation presents us with an opportunity that cannot be passed up.
Selphie: Huh??
Irvine: (grabs her hand in his) Let's you and I hit the movies, dear, a date, just you and me, baby...
Selphie: (blushes tomato red) But...! I...uh...the gang....
Irvine: (leaning forward to her, his eyes glued to hers) It was meant to be our destiny...please say yes...
Selphie is frozen in her tracks, her heart pounding like a sledge hammer. The entire room was quiet until Rinoa grabbed a popcorn bowl and slammed it in Irvine's face. Popcorn spilled everywhere.
Rinoa: Stop that will you? Do me and Quistis always have to rescue Selphie from this madness of yours?
Zell: Actually I kinda wanted to see her dump that loser! Ha ha ha!
Squall: ....whatever. It would have been nice if she had said "yes"...two less brats in the house...
Rinoa: Squall?
Squall: Nothing.
Zell: Yeah, well thanks to the wicked-hick-of-the-west, we've got nothing else to d do but sit here. (Slumps down)
Quistis: How about some homework? I hear you boys have plenty of essays due tomorrow.
Selphie: Eww, yuckers, homework!!
Squall: I'd rather spend the day fishing with Seifer than doing homework!
Rinoa: (giggling)Or polishing that stupid gun of Irvine's. (Rolls her eyes).
Irvine: (who had gotten up) Hey her name is Betsy! (Starts to swing his gun).
Squall: ...whatever. Hey Zell, got any board games or something like that?
Selphie: (standing up from the bed) Booya! Like Scrabble!
Zell: (folding his arms) What's the point of playing with you, Selphie, you gotta know how to spell in order to play this game, ya know, and I don't mean stupid valley girl shit like "Booya"!
Selphie: (lip quivering)....WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! (Runs quickly to Irvine).
Irvine puts one arm around a sobbing Selphie, pulls out "Betsy" and points it at Zell.
Irvine: Make fun of her again and I'll make sure you never spell again.
Zell: ....gulp....
Selphie sticks out her tongue and "blahs" at him.
Quistis: (putting down Betsy slowly from his aim) Irvine, calm down. (Turns to the Zell) So Zell, what kinds of games do you have available fop playing?
Squall: Hey, if it's "Mall Madness" then forget it! Last time we played that game, Zell went to the mall and played it for real! He ran up Ma Dincht's credit cards higher than heaven itself!
Rinoa: (gasping) Oh gosh, poor Mrs. Dincht! Hey...what the hell were you all doing playing a girl's game like "Mall Madness"?
Quistis: Yes, do tell us why you were playing such a game. Aren't you boys a little bit too old to be doing that?
Zell, Squall and Irvine blush.
Rinoa: Come on, spit!
The boys remained silent, then looked at each other. Then they nodded.
Squall: Might as well....you see...it was...kind of a dare...
Zell: (clearing his throat) ...more like blackmail....see we had to do it or else Selphie would snitch....
Irvine: (pointlessly rubbing a spot on his gun's metal) And goodness...we didn't...wanna ...get in trouble...
Quistis: (turning to Selphie) Alright, fess up girl, what did they do to prompt you to blackmail them?
Selphie: (thinking) Well a couple of nights ago, I happen to have a craving for those sweet little powder puff donuts that the snack machines sell by the cafeteria. The ones with little sprinkles of powder and cream inside them, gosh they're so good..you know which ones right?
Rinoa: Oh yeah, those that cost 5 gil a package! I love them so much!
Selphie: Booya! Those! They taste so good, especially with a tall glass of apple juice! You know, my favorite part about them is the gooey little cream filling inside, oooh, it just tastes so good--
Quistis:: Selphie, will you get to the point?
Selphie: Oh...yeah. So I was on my way to the snack machine....
(Flashback)
Selphie was walking toward the cafeteria hall skipping along, singing to herself. She stopped suddenly when she noticed in the darkness, three shadowy figures sneaking by the main entrance of the female dorms.
Shadow 1: Heh heh...betcha all those girlies look really hot in thier jammies. Can't wait to see that!
Shadow 2: Yeah, cool, but I hope some of them have hot dogs in thier refrigerators.
Shadow 3: (hissing) Will you two idiots shut up? We're going to get caught!
Selphie: (gasping) Robbers! Oh no!
Selphie quickly grabs a small bat from the side of the wall, then runs over to the figures. She lifts and smacks each one of them once. They all fall over.
Selphie: That will teach you robbers to come near us defenseless girls!
Shadow 2: (groaning) Ugh...defenseless? Your no lady, damn brat!
Selphie: Grrr! (Lifts bat) Your asking for it!
Shadow 1: (getting up) Ah...don't hit us again, Sefie!
Selphie: (stops) Sefie...? Only one person calls me Sefie....IRVINE!! What the hell are you doing here!
Shadow 1: (Irvine) Ugh.....nothing, luv, just go on with your thing, don't mind us...
Selphie stares at the rest of the shadows, then frowns.
Selphie: (folding her arms) I suppose one of these robbers is Zell the gorilla face!
Shadow 2:(Zell) Shut the hell up, you insignificant little whore!
Selphie: You shut up or else I'll report you to Mr. Kramer!
Zell: (ulp).....
Selphie: (turning to the last figure) Now....who might this third person be....Seifer?
Zell: (slaps hand to forehead) God, your so stupid!
Shadow3 tries to run away but is stopped by Selphie and her bat.
Selphie: Now....time to unmask you!
She licks off his black get-up, revealing a frowning Squall.
Squall: Ya got me, so what.
Selphie: (gasping) Oh my god it's Squall! I never thought he'd try to rob the female dorms!
Irvine: (chuckling) Silly babe, we're not here to steal things, only steal a few glimpses of some hot babes..!
Zell: (smacking Irvine) Argh! Shut up, cowboy, you just gave us away!
Irvine: (clamping a hand to his mouth) Oh yeah...
Squall: (rolling his eyes) Oh great....well that's just peachy but now since we've been busted I think I'll go back to my dorm to catch some "zzzs" . ....
Selphie: Not so fast! I don't know why you three wanna do this but I'm not gonna let you get away scott-free! In fact..(thinks hard) I think I'll have some fun with you boys..
Zell: (in horror) Oh god, no, please don't tell me you want to rape us! I'll die young!
Irvine: Hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea at all..(chuckling)
Selphie: No, no rape stuff! But I do wanna have you all do something.....
Squall: (folding his arms) Just tell us already!
Selphie: (giggling) Play Mall Madness with me!
Squall, Irvine and Zell: (gasping) WHAT??
Zell: Like hell no I'm not playing some stupid gay ass girl's game!
Irvine: Ditto! I may like girls, but not the stuff they play!
Squall: ....you'll never get us to play that game.
Selphie: (smiling evilly) Well......if you don't play, I'm afraid I'll have to report you to Mr. Kramer....*sighs* You'll be kicked out of this Garden and Squall will lose Rinoa....
Zell: Big deal, so we get kicked out, I go home!
Selphie: (giggles) Well, if you get kicked out of Balamb, I'm afraid you wont ever have the opportunity to eat another Balamb Garden Hot Dog...
Zell: Damnit, I'll play!
Squall: Same here!
Selphie: (turning to Irvine) Well, Irvy? You in or out?
Irvine: (groaning) Aw, Sefie....you wouldn't really do this to moi would you ?
Selphie: (folding her arms) Sorry, Irvy.
Irvine: Damn....
(End of flashback)
Rinoa: (folding her arms) Alright, Selphie we know what they did, but I still don't see how Mrs. Dincht's credit card was run up in all the process.
The three culprits looked at each other then grinned.
Zell: That's where we outsmarted the little rugrat!
Quistis: May I ask how?
Squall: Well....she had said that we had to play Mall Madness, but nothing further. So.....
Irvine: Zell got the idea to play the game in a REAL mall with REAL credit cards.
Squall: But I kinda feel sorry for Mrs. Dincht...
Rinoa: Hmph! I can understand Irvine pulling something stupid like being a peeping Tom, but Zell and Squall?
Squall: Well damnit, it was a dare!
Zell: Yeah, stupid cowboy's idea! I told you he was nothing but a sick-ass pervert!
Quistis: (turning to Irvine) Don't you understand how much trouble you can get into with Mr. Kramer for that kind of stupidity?
Irvine: (holding up his hands) It was just a stupid dare! I didn't think they'd actually follow me!
Rinoa: Ah-ha! (Eyes Squall) So you actually wanted to do it after all, eh Squall?
Squall: (rolling his eyes in disbelief and stuffing himself with popcorn from the floor that Rinoa had thrown at Irvine earlier) Oh yeah, I just love tagging along with two no-brained perverts at 1 in the morning playing peeping tom instead of getting some well earned sleep...
Rinoa: (folding her arms) Squall?
Squall: (stuffing himself with more popcorn) Nothing.
Zell: (looks at his designer Tweety Bird watch) Anyway, this chat has only really killed about an hour of time so far. We need to at least wait another one before Ma comes home with a new TV.
Quistis: (surprised) Your mom went out to buy a TV today?
Zell: Well, no, actually, she went to the grocery store, but you know how Ma is..she likes to stop by the pawn shop and pick up useless junk on the way home like VCRs, camcorders, radios...
Irvine: I hardly call that useless...
Squall: (picking his teeth with his fingers to remove any popcorn stuck) Well, nevertheless, we've got to find something to do before Ma Dincht comes home.
Rinoa: But what? Zell appears to have nothing good around here! One wonders what he does for fun in here.
Zell gets up, runs to his huge closet and starts to rummage though for something.
Zell: (muffled from deep within the closet) Let's see now....I know I should have something here....I know I do...
While searches the closet, Selphie decides to crawl under Zell's bed to hunt for any means of entertainment. Suddenly, dirty socks came flying out one by one from underneath the bed.
Selphie: (gasping) Oh gosh, EWWW!!!
A pair of Hanes underwear suddenly flies out from under the bed, landing right in Squall's face. Half the underwear is covering Squall's face as only his mouth was visible. His mouth turns to a frown when he realizes that the butt part of the underwear was covering his nose.
Squall: Agh!! Jesus Christ, what a sick bastard!!
He quickly pulls the underwear from his face and disgustingly flings it to his left side. The underwear lands on Irvine, the same way it had landed on Squall, with the butt part on his nose.
Irvine: (gagging) Eh? Oh damn, I think I"m gonna be sick!!!
He quickly pulls the underwear off his face, then tosses it on the floor. There it sits, in the middle of Zell's room. Everyone stares at it when Rinoa spoke up.
Rinoa: Alright, what's so disgusting about a simple pair of underwear?
Squall: (gagging) You don't wanna see...
Qusitis: (Folds her arms) It appears to be a clean pair to me.
Selphie crawls out from underneath the bed as Quistis prepares to get up from the floor and retrieve the underwear.
Irvine: No! Don't!
Quistis: Huh?
Irvine gets up from his place on the floor and quickly opens the window to Zell's room. He grabs a small , thin, long tree branch from outside, yanks it off, and brings it inside.
Selphie: Irvy? What'cha doing?
Irvine: Just watch, I'll show you.
Squall: (gagging still) I'm warning you all...
Irvine uses the tree branch to flip the underwear over, revealing dark, heavy skid marks all over the butt part. A fly approaches the skid marks and began to fester around it.
Rinoa: (looking away) Oh my gosh, that IS sick!
Quistis: (holding back vomit) Oh dear, poor Mrs. Dincht...she has to wash all that everyday..
Selphie: (almost hurling) Ugh! Someone teach him to wipe his ass correctly!
Rinoa: Oh poor Squall had to have that "shit" covering him!
Squall: I told you! God, now I've gotta wash my damn face with at least 20 different anti-bacterial cleaners!
Zell is heard from the closet.
Zell: (muffled from deep in the closet) Hey guys, I think I've found it! I'll be right there!
Selphie: (gasping) Oh damn, someone get rid of it quick! (Points to underwear)
Everyone stares at the underwear, which now had various flies around it, most of them dead.
Quistis: (hissing) Irvine, quick! Toss it out the window!
Irvine: Ugh...why me?
Quistis: (hissing) Just do it before Zell gets back!!
Irvine: (gets up from the floor) It's a dirty job..but someone's gotta do it!
He retrieves the long branch again, carefully lifts the underwear with the end of the branch, then runs to the window with it. He briefly sticks the underwear outside, hanging from the branch, which causes several birds nearby to fall over dead as well as a cat who hisses wildly then drops dead. Finally, Irvine flings the underwear out into the streets, then runs to his place on the floor. Several car horns are heard from outside honking madly, followed by the sound of car breaks screeching, and finally the crashing of the cars.
Rinoa: (giggling) Oops!
Zell comes out just then with a small box in his hands. He sets it down, runs to the window, and peers out.
Zell: Whoah, what the hell was all that noise? (Sees car pile up) Damn, I wonder what caused all that ruckus down there, there's at least a million cars piled on top of one another!
(Everyone whistles and looks away)
Rinoa: (giggling) Oh who knows. Let the police take care of that.
Zell : (shrugs as he turns away from the window and heads back to his seat on the floor) Oh yeah. (Looks at box) I found something we can all play! A board game everyone loves!
Selphie: (squealing) Ooooo, Lucky Ducks??!
Zell: (eyeing her irritated) Hell no! That stupid shit game is fucking child's play you stupid little----
He notices from the corner of his eye Irvine raising an eyebrow at him. Zell gulps as he remembers Irvine's previous threat.
Zell: (turns) Umm...I mean...No, not Lucky Ducks. (Opens the box) Monopoly!!
Squall: (slaps his hand to his forehead) God, Zell, not again!! If we're going to play with real money just like last time, then forget it! You robbed me of my previous pay check! Besides, you always cheat with your stupid little rules like "Player 1 is mugged by mad banker" or something like that!
Rinoa: Oh dear...that explains why Squall didn't take me out last week...
Quistis: Well then, what's the use of playing if you aren't going to be fair, Zell?
Zell: (sourly) Ya got a better suggestion? It's either that or just sit around here like dumbasses!
Irvine: Not that you don't already look like one...
Zell: (turning to Irvine) Grr!! I'd rather be a dumbass than a sick, perverted hick like you!
Irvine: I'd rather be a pervert than a gay hot-dog eating piece of shit like you!
Quistis: (holding up her hands) Alright, that's enough you two! (Turns to Zell) Zell, we'll all play on the condition that you don't cheat, ok?
Zell: (folding his arms) Ok geez! (Opens box and empties icon pieces on the floor) Alright, everyone, choose your pieces!
Rinoa: Let's see...I'll take the little iron piece because it looks so damn cute! (She picks it up)
Squall: Hm...think I'll take the little car..(selects the car icon)
Rinoa: Why the car one, Squall?
Squall: No reason. It could be a toilet seat for all I care...
Selphie: (Finger on her chin, looking thoughtfully at the selections left) What shall I choose....
Zell picks up the little dog icon and tosses it at Selphie.
Zell: Here, you can be the little bitch...
Selphie clenches her fists in frustration then growls at Zell.
Selphie: And you can be the big-ass smelly shoe!!
Zell: Arghh! Why you little insolent stupid ...
He gets up to try and smack her, but then stops as he hears Irvine cocking "Betsy's" trigger.
Zell: Ah...I mean...you may be the ADORABLE little puppy dog, Selphie!
Irvine: That's better...(puts "Betsy" down).
Selphie: Okay! (She picks up the dog icon).
Irvine takes the small hat while Quisits takes the Thimble, which leaves Zell with the shoe piece.
Selphie: HAHAHAH! Zell does get to be the big ugly smelly stinky shoe!
Zell: (smirking) Oh shut your face, will ya? The point is who is gonna win this game..and that will be me of course!
Quistis: Heh. We will see...
{45 minutes later....}
Irvine, Selphie and Zell stared at the dice on the board as if it were magic. Rinoa, Squall and Quistis were only spectators now, since they had lost already.
Irvine: You rolled a six, Selphie...right?
Selphie: (staring at dice) Yes I'm sure I did...(stares at Zell) Unless somehow the dice landed on his property and I owe him a million bucks...
She moves the 6 spaces carefully, then lands.
Selphie: (nervously) Alright, I didn't knock over any trees in Oriental Avenue, Zell, so you can't fine me a hundred dollars, neither did I accidentally "piss" on the owner's leg....so I guess I'm safe! (Smiles)
Zell: ....Ah-ha! Wait a minute there!
Squall: (sighing) What did she do now, Zell? Did she all of a sudden get "mugged" by the mad banker's thief son?
Zell: No, worse than that..she landed on Vermont Avenue!
Rinoa: So? What's wrong with that? Is Vermont Avenue a sacred holy place and the little "dog icon" is atheist? Or maybe a school shooting causes her to go bankrupt?
Quisits: Or maybe just another stupid rule of Zell's.
Zell: Don't you guys know about Vermont Avenue? Gosh...(slaps hand to forehead) I nearly forgot myself! It's charity week in Vermont Avenue for the local community..anyone landing there is obligated to pay a 30 percent donation fee to the communities.
Selphie: What??? Zell, there's nowhere in the rules that says you can impose a donation fee for charity in Vermont Avenue!
Zell: (in fake syrupy sweet voice) Ah, but there's nowhere in the rules that says you CAN'T impose a donation fee in Vermont Avenue for charity...so come on, pay up your 30 percent donation fee, plus 100 dollars for questioning the authority of the banker.
Selphie: (begins to count her money) Wha-- but that will leave me with absolutely nothing!!!!
Zell: (extending his hand, demanding the money) Reality sucks sometimes, don't it cutie? Now fork it over!!
Selphie: (reluctantly hands him her money) Waaahh! Now I've lost the game too, just like Rinoa, Squall and Quistis! Zell's gonna end up winning!
Irvine: (slaps 300 "dollars" in Selphie's hands suddenly) Here ya go, Sefie babe, cheer up, ok?
Selphie: (with stars in her eyes) Booya! Thank you so much Irvy! You're the best!
Zell: (frowns in disgust) Awww, that's so sweet....EXCUSE ME, but there's nowhere in the rules that says you can rescue a person from bankruptcy!!
Irvine: (giving his cat-that-ate-the-canary smile and using a syrupy sweet phoney voice) Ah, but Zell, there's nowhere in the rules that says you CAN'T rescue a person from bankruptcy!
Selphie: (sticks her tongue out at Zell) Blah!!!
Rinoa: Wonder why Irvine didn't rescue any of us except Selphie...
Squall: Well at least Irvine knows how to counter Zell's stupid "rules"!
Zell: B..bu...but...th..that's not fair!!!
Irvine: (with fake sugary sweet voice) Oh but Zell, reality sucks sometimes, doesn't it?
Zell: (growling) Alright, that does it buster, pay up the banker 50 thousand dollars for giving him lips service PLUS a hundred dollar fee for trying to play cheapskate with him!!
Quistis: Come on Zell, your not playing any cleaner.
Selphie: Yeah he's playing dirtier than that disgusting pair of underwear I found--
Before she could say anything more, Rinoa, Quistis and Squall clamp their hands over her mouth, shutting her up.
Zell: (confused) Eh?
Quistis : (grinning with hand over Selphie's mouth) Never you mind Zell, just keep playing the game...
Irvine: Yeah now, that you've got some serious competition.
Zell gets so frustrated that he tosses his play money down on the floor.
Zell: I give up!! Damn you people don't know how to play fair!
Rinoa: (beginning to pick up the pieces of the game) Oh geez, what a pity...
Selphie: (giggling) Tee-hee! And Irvine and I win! We become the richest people in the world, thanks to Monopoly!
Irvine: (taking her hand in his) You know, Sefie, we really make a wonderful team...seriously, we do...imagine us married...
Selphie: (turning beet red) Ag.......(is frozen).
Quistis : (grabs "Betsy" and smacks him behind the head) God, Irvine, leave the poor woman alone!!
Selphie begins to mumble incoherently as Irvine rubs the back of his head.
Squall: (yawning) Oh boy, only 15 minutes left...now what the hell do we do?
Rinoa: (putting the Monopoly stuff away) I don't see why we could not have gone out to the mall shopping instead of sitting here like no-life fools.
Squall: (turning to her) Are you kidding? After that last episode of "Mall Madness", there's no telling how safe it is to leave Zell loose in the malls! He might get the "urge" to play again!
Quistis: Goodness! We don't want to have him run up Mrs. Dincht's credit cards again!
Zell: Well damnit, how can I resist not having that new Jet Board to go along with my collection? And it was on sale too!
Irvine: Sale? Zell it was over 30,000 gil! Man you are stupid...not even date auctions are worth that much!
Selphie: (thinking) Hmmm..well I'm still bored! Don't you have another game, Zell?
Zell: (thinks to himself) Hmm...(runs to closet and pulls out another box) Hey how about this?
He presents a familiar colored box to the gang. Everyone groans.
Quistis: Ouija? I didn't think anyone was dumb enough to buy that game. You might as well buy yourself a stupid board with letters!
Rinoa:( puts Monopoly on the little nightstand then goes back to sit down) Yeah, Zell you're an only child here! Don't tell me...(gasps) Zell!
Zell: Alright, damnit, so what if I do? I love to play this thing at night because I believe in all the spirits and ghosts!
Irvine: (making eerie voice) Ooo, spooky spirits invade the house of Zell Dincht! They come at night, jump out of his closet and drag him to hell...
Selphie: (yelps in fear) I don't wanna play because spooks might possess me!
Zell: (laughing) Ha! Yeah Right, smurf, it's the other way around! Spirits wont come and try to take you away 'cuz you'll scare THEM off back to heaven!
Zell doubles over with laughter as Selphie stands there, her lower lip quivering.
Irvine: (cocks Betsy's trigger and points it at Zell) Wanna join them in heaven?
Zell: (staring at gun) N...no, no..that's ok...
Squall: Ugh, whatever, just count me out of that stupid Ouija game. It's more of a girl's game, so I think I'll just sit back and watch.
Zell: Fine with me, anyone else?
Irvine: Same here, I'm out of this game.
Zell: Alright. Now, let's play! (Thinks to himself) Heh heh...time to throw payback at Selphie for being such a little brat!
(10 minutes later)
Rinoa, Selphie and Zell all have their hands placed on the Ouija board ready for a question.
Zell: Oh, Selphie since I've been so mean to you, why not let the first question be about you? (Grins evilly)
Selphie: (giggling) Tee hee! Ok! I see you finally realized who's boss around here!
Zell: (thinking) Ha ha..we'll see, little brat (out loud) Anyway, ....Ouija, tell us...who is the man in Selphie's heart? Who is the man she truly desires? Squall, Irvine or me?
Selphie blushes incredibly red and completely freezes.
Selphie: ....N...No! Z...zell...d...don't ..ask that!!
Zell: Heh heh..why not? Are you hiding something, Selp? Perhaps a secret crush on me?
Selphie: (growling) Like hell no!!
Squall: (rolling his eyes) Like if that stupid board is gonna tell us...(passes a bag of cookies to Irvine)
Zell: (thinking to himself suddenly) Grr...time to pay back Squall as well for being the asshole of the year...yeah, Selphie and Squall! Killing two birds with one stone!
Zell suddenly sticks one hand under the table while no one was looking and moves around it. The little pointer suddenly begins to move in the direction of the "S".
Selphie: Booya! Look everyone, it's moving!!
Rinoa: (Gasping) Whoah, it really is! This is creepy!!
Irvine: (gets up and rushes over to the board) Lemme see, lemme see!
Quistis: Are you guys sure someone isn't moving this thing?
Rinoa, Selphie, and Zell remove their hands from the pointer as it slowly drifted toward the "S".
Rinoa: My gosh! It works, it works!
Zell: (pretending to be surprised since he is the one moving the pointer) God, I didn't know this thing worked for real...it never does this with me.
Irvine: (impatiently) Who cares about that, what is the damn thing saying? Who is Sefie's crush? Come on, come on, come on, you stupid thing!!
Selphie: Waah! That's none of your business! Stop!!
Everyone quickly gathered around the board except Squall and remained silent as the pointer slowly moved across the board, (of course moved by Zell) spelling the name "S-Q-A-U-L-L".
Irvine: (confused) Eh? "S-Q-A-U-L-L"? What the fuck, now this thing can't even spell?
Rinoa: (scratches her head) Or maybe there is a guy named "Sqaull" out there. Hey! Maybe he's that dorky kid in the library with big ass glasses! Yeah, that's got to be him!!
Irvine: WHAT??? She likes that stupid freak? B...bu...but...she can't like him, I tell ya!! She can't!!! I'm much more handsome than that freak....!!!
Quistis: Calm down, Irvine, the guy at the library is just Merwin, a student worker there like Miaka.
Rinoa: (frowning suddenly) I think the board meant to spell "Squall"...
Rinoa gives Selphie the iciest glare since Antarctica. Selphie sits there, her lower lip quivering.
Rinoa: So, you have been after my Squall all this time, haven't you?
Squall: (spitting Soda in his left direction, right at Irvine's face) What the hell? Damn, not even I suspected this!
Selphie's lip began to quiver more and more.
Squall: (turning to Irvine) Hey sorry about the soda, man!
Irvine: (frowning) Hmph, whatever, Mr. "Romeo".
Squall: (backing away from Irvine) Damn, boy you could really freeze a slice of beef with that cold shoulder of yours...
Irvine only grumbled in response. He was obviously upset over Squall being the man Selphie "loved".
Zell: (in fake surprise) Oh gosh, Selphie, we didn't know that you felt this way...I always assumed you had it in for that stupid hick Irvine!
Selphie's lip is now trembling.
Irvine: Shut up, Zell. (Grumbles)
Suddenly, Selphie finally burst out an earsplitting wail, surprising the living crap out of everyone.
Selphie: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN'''TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOV EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SSSSSSSSSSSSQQQQQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quistis: (covering her ears) Good grief, Selphie, knock it off!!
Rinoa: (covering her ears) Ahh! Stop it!!!!!!
Squall: (covering his own ears and yelling at her level) Look Selphie, you and I can still be friends!!! Just stop crying!
Selphie's crying grows louder, causing the entire room to shake.
Zell: (covering his ears and yelling) SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The tremor from Selphie's crying causes the table to shake violently. The little magnet underneath the table that Zell had been using to control the pointer suddenly fell out, right into the middle of Zell's room and in the gang's view.
Quistis: (picks up the magnet and holds it up) Well, well well...what have we here?
Selphie stops crying upon seeing the magnet.
Zell: (snatches the magnet away) Umm..nothing!
Rinoa: A magnet?? You mean that all this time--
Irvine: ----Zell's been controlling this board..with this magnet? Why that little--
Squall: (standing up as well) So..you tried to use this stupid heap of shit to try and break up me and Rinoa...why you little--
Selphie: (getting up) Stupid fat ugly gorilla Zell!! You tried to make me look like your worst smelling shit with that stupid board!
Zell: (sourly) I don't need a board to make you smell like shit, Selphie, you already do smell and look like shit!!
Selphie: AAAH!!! Why you!!!!
The entire gang is now beginning to advance toward poor Zell, ready to beat him up for his crimes.
Zell: (holding up his hands in defense) Guys calm down! You really don't understand!
Just as everyone was about to pounce on him...
Voice:(from downstairs) Zeeeeeeeeeeeeeelll!! Honey, I'm home!!
The gang immediately stepped back as Zell turned to the doorway. His mom came up the stairs, with a brand new TV in her hands.
Zell: Ma!!! Your finally home!
Mrs. Dincht: Yes I am. (Turns to gang and smiles) Oh and how nice, you brought your friends too! I just hope none of you were injured in that terrible pile-up car accident in front of our house! Goodness, that was one horrible accident! (Shakes her head and sets the TV down).
Quisits: Do you know what could have caused the accident, Mrs. Dincht?
Ma Dincht: (shakes her head) I haven't got a clue, dear....all that was found in the midst of the accident was a horrendous pair of dirty underwear...really disgusting looking too. So I'm guessing it was a drunk driver or something.
Rinoa: (giggling) Hardly...
Zell: (shrugging) Anyway...hey Ma, where'd you get the TV from? I thought you said you were going grocery shopping!
Ma Dincht: Well, honey, I was grocery shopping but then I became bored and decided to stop by the pawn shop to pick up a little something for you on the way home, hon.
Zell: (with tears in his eyes) Oh...thanks Ma! You saved us all!!
Zell gets so excited that he drops the magnet on the floor to go run and hug his mom. The magnet suddenly "shakes", then "Betsy" was attracted by the magnet, making the gun fly across the room, right in Zell's path.
Quistis: Zell, watch out!!
Too late. As Zell is running toward the TV to hug it as well, he trips over "Betsy" as it's moving toward the magnet, causing the gun to go off and shoot. Zell falls over flat on his face.
Irvine: (gets up and rushes over to "Betsy", cuddling it as if it were a newborn infant) Oh, my poor baby, are you ok? Did you get hurt? Did that big fat nasty gorilla Zell hurt your metals? (Kisses it)
Selphie: (frowning) Oh my god...whatever...
Zell: (getting himself up) And he checks if the gun is ok, and not me???
Ma Dincht: Oh heavens, honey I heard a shot fired from that gun. What or who did it hit?
Quistis: (looking around and frowning) Hmm...it was pointing in the direction of the-- (looks toward the TV)
Rinoa: --TV!! Oh no!!
Everyone turns quickly to see dense, thick smoke coming from the brand new TV as well as a huge hole in the screen.
Selphie: (gasping) ...oh no....
Ma Dincht: (nervously) Eh...if you kids can hang on for another few hours, I could get one again...(quickly leaves)
Quisits: (folding her arms) Well, isn't this rather swell??
Zell: (becoming very very pissed) GR...you know what? This is all that stupid piece of shit for metal "Betsy's" fault for all of this stupid shit! If it weren't for that stupid gun, we'd be having fun with the TV!!!
Irvine: Shut up, you stupid gimp, it's not my fault your such a fucking klutz!!
Zell: Shut the hell up!!!!!!!!! You're stupid gun "Betsy's" days are over, ya hear me, cowboy?? Cuz I'm gonna rip that gun to shreds, toss it in the city dump and watch it smash to tiny tiny little cubicle bits!! In fact I think "she" would look good on my front porch as a recycled metal decoration!!
Irvine: (holding "Betsy") You gotta get passed me first, you stupid ape-escape refugee!!
Zell: AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!
Zell suddenly jumps on Irvine in attempts to get a hold of "Betsy", but Irvine holds on to it very tightly and protectively. Soon, the two boys are on the floor, rolling around, locked in a struggle/wrestle for "Betsy".
Squall: (slapping his hand to his forehead) Oh Damn, this sucks!!
Rinoa: Ah well...but at least it will entertain us for a while...
The boys continue to wrestle for "Betsy".
Selphie: (rolling her eyes) Please pass the popcorn....