I really like this one, it is hilarious! For those of you who like the AniTV show, turn back. This makes fun of it to the extreme. There are a few nono words, but it is basically confined to the stronger version of 'darn'. Here we go!
Cast Of Characters:
MIKE NELSON- an average cable repair man, bopped on the head in the early ’90’s and sent up into space to replace Joel, the original test subject of a mad scientist’s experiment - to test the effects of daily doses of B-movies on an ordinary man. When Joel escaped one day, poor Mike was just doing his job and... well, ended up taking up the gauntlet. The mad scientist has since... umm... I don’t know - I missed the movie, but now the scientist’s mother, Pearl, keeps his daily dose of dull dumbness coming. He enjoys normal things, but the constant exposure to Hollywood’s most damned has gotten to him, so he can be slightly strange. He has an affinity to slightly baggy jumpsuits and a slight mother-hen complex towards the robots, who in turn think he’s a little.... simple. His current location? Somewhere aboard a dog-bone shaped spaceship known as "The Satellite of Love".
TOM SERVO - Although he looks like a bubble gum dispenser that talks through its dispenser and had arms glued on.... the inability to walk on his own doesn’t get to Tom. Nor does his lack of visible eyes hinder him in any way. His stature is never considered a handicap. However, just because Tom has no problems with self-esteem doesn’t mean he’s any more normal than the others: in fact, his humor chip is perpetually a... ahem... *little* out of alignment. He often carries jokes too far, and can be somewhat deranged at times. But he’s harmless - really. He tends to react negatively to really, REALLY bad programming - at least, he reacts worse than his compatriots.
CROOOW - He’s "Crow" to his friends (and to those who hate when Spell Check forgets to ignore certain things, no matter HOW many times you tell it to...). A rod-thin (literally), golden robot with Ping-Pong-ball-like eyes, a woven, lacrosse-basket-like headpiece, a beak, and an extreme talent for the absurd, Crow is not any more reserved than Tom Servo. The difference is, Tom can sometimes be deranged, while Crow can sometimes get quite vulgar. For those who have never seen MST3K, think of Bender from FUTURAMA. If you’ve never seen FUTURAMA... nevermind, then.
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Episode Ani-1
Animorphs TV - "The Escape"
Season Premiere of the Lost Ani-Episodes - April 25, 1999
::three silhouettes enter a movie theater; MIKE (NELSON) sits in the middle, and sets TOM (SERVO) on the chair to his left. CROW sits on MIKE’s right, on the end of the aisle. The screen is blank.::
MIKE: Does anyone know what this is about?
CROW: Pearl left a message on the machine - said she had to be away
today. She just gave us something she recorded off the TV.
TOM: Ah, Pearl. She’s always thinking about us. It’s sweet.
::the screen comes to life; a diner is shown. The view suddenly changes to show a fan::
TOM: Ohh, a fan! Can we have a fan in here, Mike?
MIKE: Well, it IS kind of stuffy in here....
::View changes again, to a man mixing a milkshake, then a third time, to a booth, where a girl sits on one side and two boys sit on the other::
TOM: Suddenly, a bomb obliterates the diner! So long! Good-bye! Let’s go.
MIKE: Relax, Tom.
::TOM whines::
::the boy on the right (relatively speaking) talks::
BOY#1: I don’t see why we can’t just DO it. I mean, we get a change, we sneak in, we sneak out, and that’s it.
CROW: They change their clothes so much they have to sneak around?
GIRL: Jake’ll never go for it. He’ll say it’s too risky.
TOM: The shirt you’re wearing might get jealous and strangle you! Then whatEVER
will your mother say?
CROW: ‘I told you so?’
BOY#1: Risky? No. A little sneaky, maybe.
GIRL: Besides, we’re not supposed to change for selfish reasons. Even the opening of Planet Hollywood.
MIKE: Or school.
TOM: Or going out in public.
CROW: Or more than once a decade.
BOY#1: ::adopting the proper accent:: AH-nald will be there.
BOY#2: Who is this ‘AH-nald’? Is he from the planet of Hollywood?
CROW: No, silly, he’s from Canada!
MIKE: Who would name a planet ‘Hollywood’?
TOM: Don’t diss the movie people, Mike. They sue us, and it’s all over. Hey! Wait a minute-
::BOY#1 and GIRL trade worried glances::
BOY#1: Ax, get a clue! You know, he’s NEVER going to understand our culture.
TOM: Lucky stiff!
::waitress brings three milkshakes::
WAITRESS: Here you go.
CROW: Three Milk of Magnesias.
TOM: Hey, I want one!
CROW and MIKE: Me too! Me too! ::they bounce around in their seats for a while,
then calm down::
GIRL: Thank you.
::WAITRESS moves away. AX looks at the straw, then tries to drink the milkshake by sucking on the handle of the spoon::
CROW: Yes, he IS a higher lifeform.
TOM: Straw? Spoon? They both begin with “S” and have five letters in their names!
How can they be so different?
BOY#1: Ax, don’t blow a fuse, buddy.
TOM: Actually, do! Then they’ll have to cancel the rest of this CRAP!
MIKE: Calm down, Tom.
::Ax pulls the spoon out of the cup; begins eating the shake as if it were soup::
TOM: But Miiiiiiike! It hasn’t been five minutes and already I’m whiiiiiiiining!
::BOY#1 looks up; his expression becomes worried; the view changes to a man sitting at the counter, looking awful, eating oatmeal; times slows...::
TOM: NO! NO! It’s slowing DOWN! NOOO!!!!!!
MIKE: Are you going to make it through this?
::View returns to BOY#1’s uncertain expression, then goes back to the man at the counter, who’s sweating, with his head propped on his arm, his nose running::
CROW: Aww, he’s just being a wuss today.
TOM: Am not!
CROW: Are too!
MIKE: Hey, break it up! This movie is really getting to you guys.
TOM: ::muttering:: I am not....
::The man looks up at the WAITRESS, who looks surprised and worried::
MAN: You CAN’T be out!
TOM: You’re right there!
WAITRESS: You ate our last packet already!
CROW: You ate my dog, too, don’cha know!
::view goes to GIRL and BOY#1 looking at each other::
MIKE: Oh, no! He ate the LAST ONE!
MAN: I just need another bowl of oatmeal.
MIKE: ::confused:: Oatmeal?
::View goes to the fan::
MIKE: And what’s with the fan?
::View returns to MAN::
MAN: Instant maple.
::Another shot of the fan, then back to MAN again::
MAN: One bowl.
TOM: They show the fan whenever he mentions oatmeal!
WAITRESS: Like I said - ::voice becomes annoyed:: No Can Do.
CROW: ::mimicking the waitress:: I’m washing my hair tonight.
::zooms in on MAN; zooms in again::
TOM: Whoa!
CROW: ::using an announcer-type voice:: When Cameramen Stutter, today! - on the
Satellite of Love.
::Man starts licking the bowls clean::
MIKE: His mother would have been sooo proud...
::Camera pans around room to show the startled reaction of the other patrons before it returns to the booth with the three kids::
BOY#1: ::points:: Hey, that guy makes Ax look normal.
TOM: In a perverse, disturbing sort of way.
::GIRL peers over her shoulder, then looks back; AX glances up at MAN, then starts to copy his eating frenzy::
GIRL: Or not.
::AX is shown again, still copying the man; view changes to MAN, still scraping the bowls, now with his hands; another shot of the fan::
ALL: ::rocking back and forth:: AHH! AHH! THE FAN! THE FAN!
::MAN looks around, his mouth covered in oatmeal::
TOM: Aww, isn’t he adorable?
::MAN jumps out of his seat and starts banging into tables::
A FEMALE PATRON: Hey!
CROW: ::mimicking the patron in a valley-girl accent:: Can I, like, have your autograph? I mean, like, gawd! Oatmeal! You’re so COOL!
::various shots of people looking worried; two police officers at an end of the counter not previously seen start heading for MAN::
MAN: Please! I need more oatmeal!!!
MIKE: And some marmalade!
CROW: Mike? Don’t try.
WOMAN POLICE OFFICER (WPO): Do you want to calm down, sir?
::MAN grabs his forehead as WPO reaches for his elbow; he goes into convulsions, then starts rubbing his ear; turns to GIRL and BOY#1::
MAN: Please, please, help me!
TOM: I glued my ear on this morning an now it won’t come off!
::Police take him away::
GIRL ((voice-over)) I can forget about the Yeerks sometimes, and it feels good to do that, even if I’m only pretending.
MIKE: We can hear her thoughts now?
CROW: ::mimicking GIRL:: But nevermind that - I saw the prettiest little chiffon
number yesterday....
::There’s a shot of her face, then a flashback to the man eating and the waitress with a worried expression::
((Voiceover continues)) But then I see something like this, and I remember - we CAN’T look away. The Yeerks are everywhere.
::Another shot of the fan, then to GIRL’s worried expression::
TOM: Damn the fan! Damn the fan!
MIKE: That’s it. I don’t want to hear ANYMORE complaints out of you, Mister!
::scene fades out, to be replaced by various images with a voiceover by another boy.... names are associated with faces that cannot be seen in this RIP::
((Voiceover)) Hi, my name is Jake.
ALL: Hi, Jake!
((Voiceover)) I thought I knew who I was-
CROW: A big, curly-haired Ben Savage!
((Voiceover)) -a kid who liked to do normal things - you know, go to school, play video games, hang out with my friends...
MIKE: But then I realized that I HATED school, and became a real boy at last.
((Voiceover)) ...but the other night, my whole life changed when my friends and I were given the power to morph - you know, to change shape, to become animals!
CROW: Better known as puberty!
((Voiceover)) So now Marco (Boris Cabrera), Cassie (Nadia Nascimento)-
MIKE: ::sounding it out:: Nas-sim-men-toe?
CROW: Nask-kim-men-toe?
TOM: Nabisco?
CROW: Mentos!
TOM: Cassie’s the fresh-maker!
((Voiceover)) -Tobias (Christopher Ralph), my cousin Rachel (Brooke Nevin) and I (Shawn Ashmore) can become dogs, cats, tigers, hawks, ANYTHING!
TOM: How about GONE?
MIKE: ::warningly:: Tom...
((Voiceover)) Pretty cool, right?
ALL: No.
((Voiceover)) Not when you’re the only thing between a bunch of mind-controlling alien Yeerks and the end of the world. ::short music breakdown:: We can’t tell anybody-
TOM: Or we’d be tarred and feathered, and wouldn’t have to use cheap effects to LOOK like we’re becoming hawks...
((Voiceover)) -because you never know who’s a Yeerk and who’s not.
CROW: Although the people we showed can give you a hint.
((Voiceover)) All I know is.... ::dramatic pause::
TOM: ::during pause:: This show sucks.
((Voiceover)) Now, I’m an Animorph.
::show begins with a view inside a barn; JAKE sits on a haybale; BOY#1 (MARCO) walks out from behind a barred partition, probably a stall::
JAKE: Maybe the guy was just crazy.
MIKE: Ohh... he’s good.
MARCO: He was NOT crazy. ::Makes a gesture with his hand:: He had a Yeerk in his head, I’m sure of it.
TOM: Either that, or he just likes his oatmeal.
::MARCO walks through the barn, as the camera pans to follow him; CASSIE, holding a pitcher, appears from behind MARCO; MARCO turns to look at her as she speaks::
CASSIE: What, because he stuck his finger in his ear?
CROW: I do that ALL the time!
TOM: Crow, you don’t even have ears.
CROW: ::defensively:: And your point is...?
MARCO: Th’dude was freakin’ out!
TOM and CROW: Duuuuuuuude....
CASSIE: Yeah, but most Controllers don’t do that! ::walks back the way Marco came::
TOM: Is she really DOING anything?
CROW: ::using his announcer’s voice:: Marvel as Cassie carries a pitcher back and forth!!!
GIRL(RACHEL): ::enters barn with a hawk on her arm:: Hi you guys. ::the hawk flaps his wings and chirps:: I got some good news.
TOM: I finally got a leash for my birdie! Now he can NEVER get away.
CROW: Poor bird...
::CASSIE and JAKE look at the camera (probably “toward Rachel”)::
CROW: We’re good actors. Really.
RACHEL: You won’t believe this.
MIKE: That you’re a natural blond?
RACHEL: I found out who the guy from the diner is.
TOM: The Reincarnation of Goldilocks!
CROW and MIKE: Huh?
TOM: Y’know... oatmeal, porridge?
::CROW and MIKE groan::
::Another view of CASSIE and JAKE::
RACHEL: His name is Edleman.
MIKE: ‘Edleman’?
TOM: The Incredible, Edible Edleman!
CROW: I wonder if he tastes like oatmeal....
RACHEL: ::sits down next to MARCO, pausing as she does so:: My mom’s law firm just gave her a REALLY big case. I saw the folder, and inside was a picture of that guy, Edleman. His family’s trying to lock him up. THEY think he’s crazy.
JAKE: ::looking unconvinced:: So?
TOM: I like Jake. He’s practical and, besides the stupid intro, he’s only said seven words!
RACHEL: SO, HE told them that he has an alien living inside his head. An alien called a YEERK.
CROW: Du-uh! That’s what you GET when you advertise such a big space! Resident aliens!
::a third shot of JAKE and CASSIE::
RACHEL: They’ve got him at the psychiatric hospital.
CROW: Hey, let’s get out of this drafty barn and get ourselves committed!
JAKE: All right, let’s check on it, but ONLY a couple of us. To be safe.
MARCO: I’m in.
RACHEL: I’m in.
TOM: I’m not.
CROW: Me neither.
MIKE: What was the question again?
::JAKE looks skeptical; CASSIE grins::
MARCO: Just ONCE, I had to say “I’m in” before Rachel did.
::the shot changes to show the hawk on a perch::
BOY’S VOICE: < I’ll be there. >
MIKE: Wait a minute - was that God?
TOM: Worse. I think it was the bird.
RACHEL: ::shown again:: Then it’s settled. Let’s do it. ::hops off the haybale::
MARCO: See, I HATE when she says that. That usually means disaster’s not far away, du(de).
TOM: Did he say “dude”, or “doo”?
::view of HAWK leaping from a tree::
CROW: Cowwwwwwwabuuuuuuunga!!!!!!
TOM: Look ma! No bungie cord!
::HAWK screeches a few times, and glides to another tree::
TOM: All right, cut me my check and some mousie mignon. That’s a keeper.
::scene changes to the psychiatric hospital; an old man in a plaid robe, blue pajamas, and a leather pilot’s “cap”, complete with goggles, pretends he’s an airplane in the hallway, making “br-rere-rer” noises::
TOM: And here we see the director in a moment of pseudo-sanity.
::The old man twirls once before disappearing off-camera. Camera focuses on a door::
MARCO: We’re never going to get away with this.
CROW: We got lucky the LAST time we got out.
RACHEL: We got in, didn’t we?
::the door opens, revealing MARCO and RACHEL, dressed in blue doctor’s outfits, with matching nets over their hair and matching face masks, pulled down. They peer out into the hallway::
MARCO: Yeah, but it’s getting OUT that worries me.
MIKE: He’s worried someone will recognize him.
CROW: ::aristocratically:: Oh, yes, hello Mr. Cabrera. Your usual room?
RACHEL: ::pulling up her mask:: Pull up your mask. If this guy has a Yeerk in his head, we don’t want him seeing our faces. ::MARCO pulls up his own mask::
TOM: Why would he want to, anyway?
RACHEL: Okay. Let’s do it.
MARCO: We’re doomed. ::they get out of the closet; the airplane man is now behind them.
TOM: Wait. How did he get BEHIND them?
MIKE: Two directors?
RACHEL: Remember, we’re doctors.
MARCO: ::looks at her sharply:: That’s right! ::Rachel straightens his askew mask as the airplane man goes around them; MARCO, muttering under his breath:: The hip bone is connected to the thigh bone....
ALL: ::bouncing in their seats:: The thigh bone’s connected to the knee bone, the knee bone’s connected to the shin bone, la, la la, la la!
::A man in striped pajamas comes up to RACHEL and MARCO, starts making gibberish noises in their faces:: Na na-na na-na, na! ::the man walks away::
TOM: At last - signs of intelligent life!
MARCO: ::as they both turn to watch the guy leave:: At least we know we’re in the right place.
MIKE: :mimicking Marco:: Now, if we can just find our room...
::camera slows as they walk down the hall::
CROW: We are... ::short dramatic pause:: Doctors Without a Cause.
TOM: Doogie, we have come to replace you with modern cuteness. B’bye!
::come to a door, beside with is a plastic holder in which is a folder reading “GEORGE EDLEMAN”::
RACHEL: ::reading:: “George Edleman”. ::picks up the folder:: This is it.
MARCO: Let’s go.
::They go into the room; shot changes to show EDLEMAN, standing at the window::
EDLEMAN: ::a police siren sounds in the background:: ::gloomily:: Hello.
RACHEL: Good afternoon, Mr. Edleman.
EDLEMAN: ::turns around; looks slightly confused:: You’re not my doctors.
RACHEL: ::shares a glance with Marco:: Well, no... we’re visiting from another hospital.
CROW and TOM: ::mimicking RACHEL and MARCO in cheerful voices:: We’re transfer committals!
EDLEMAN: Aren’t you a little short for doctors? I mean, you look like kids. ::turns back to window::
MARCO: ::slightly defensively:: Interesting. He thinks we’re kids. ::takes the folder from RACHEL; pulls a pen from his pocket:: Proceed.
RACHEL: We’d like you to describe the alien in your head.
TOM: And he’s supposed to see it... how?
EDLEMAN: ::looks at them:: The Yeerk?
CROW: No - ALF.
MARCO: ::straight-faced:: What exactly is a “Yeerk”, sir?
TOM: Yellow Edible Egg Replacement from Kellogg’s?
EDLEMAN: ::snorts:: You’ll just laugh.
RACHEL: Mr. Edleman, I promise you, we won’t laugh.
MARCO: We won’t say you’re crazy.
CROW: We’ll do BOTH! BWAH HAH HAH HAH-HAH!
EDLEMAN: ::takes a deep breath, steps away from the window:: The Yeerks are parasitic slugs. They enter the brain through the ear canal. They take over every function of your conscious mind.
CROW: They take over your bladder, too.
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: Sorry.
MARCO: Well, if the Yeerks are in control, then how can you tell us these things?
EDLEMAN: ::pauses:: It’s not in control anymore. ::sits on the bed::
TOM: He got fired. His replacement is coming in three to five business days.
RACHEL: ::looks at MARCO, then steps forward:: Why not?
CROW: He lost the remote.
EDLEMAN: I was eating breakfast... and then I had control again.
TOM: God bless prune juice!
EDLEMAN: ::continued:: I think it was the oatmeal.
MARCO: ::disbelieving, to be kind:: Oatmeal?!
CROW: You’re right, it WAS the prune juice!
EDLEMAN: I KNOW how it sounds, but trust me. Instant maple. It’s the only flavor that works.
MARCO: Oatmeal!....
TOM and CROW: PRUNE JUICE!!!
EDLEMAN: They crave MORE... they... they forget to keep control of their hosts.
CROW: :mimicking EDLEMAN:: - and their hosts forget how to control their bladders!
TOM: Must... take... crap!
::MIKE shakes his head, but does not comment::
MARCO: Well, that’s a good thing, isn’t it? They can’t do anything to you anymore.
EDLEMAN: Ohh... ::goes into spasms as eerie music plays::
MIKE: Is that a ‘no’?
CROW: That’s more of a ‘I’m thinking, don’t bug me, go run along and play while I
figure this out’.
::spasms stop; EDLEMAN rubs his head so much his hair moves as if it was a wig::
TOM: Oh my gosh! His Tribble’s come loose!
RACHEL: ::panicky:: Are you okay? I thought you said-
EDLEMAN: It happens every once in a while. A reminder that the Yeerk is still in my brain.
::shot to HAWK still in the tree::
BOY’S VOICE: < You guys, hurry. Somebody’s coming. >
MIKE: There’s that voice again!
::shot back inside::
MARCO: ::to RACHEL:: Let’s go.
TOM: What’s with them and ‘go’?
RACHEL: ::to EDLEMAN:: The Yeerk... can you get rid of it?
EDLEMAN: I was hoping it was going to leave... ::to RACHEL:: The Yeerks, they need a special kind of food, called ‘Kadrona Rays’.
TOM: It’s got humans with LIIIIIITTLE marshmallows, and it turns the milk all chocolatey! Yum yum!
EDLEMAN: They can’t live without it. They keep it in the... um... Yeerk pools.
CROW: They have Yeerk pool parties where they swim in oatmeal and get majorly smashed! It’s great!
MARCO: ::to RACHEL:: Doctor... doctor!
TOM: Bo-boctor, banana-fanana-fo-foctor....
RACHEL: ::in a matter-of-factly sort of way:: Where is this Yeerk pool.
TOM: I don’t care how young I look! I want to get sma-a-shed!
EDLEMAN: Under the entire town. But it doesn’t matter. The oatmeal? It keeps him alive. FOREVER.
MIKE: The fountain of youth found at last.
TOM: Instant maple oatmeal!
MARCO: Doctor? Please? ::starts to turn away::
RACHEL: The Yeerk inside of you! Maybe there’s some way you can get rid of it...?
MIKE: Yup, it’s eviction time for them Yeerks. They’re late on their rent.
TOM: You’re gonna throw it out?
CROW: No, no! You need to RECYCLE Yeerks!
MIKE: Just be sure to sort them by... uh...
CROW: Oatmeal-y and non-oatmeal-y.
EDLEMAN: No. Only the Controllers can remove the Yeerk. And then, they’ll put another one in.
TOM: ::in sing-song:: You take the Yeer-erk out, you put another Yeerk in...
CROW: ::picking it up:: You take the Yeer-erk out, then you pickle ’em in gin!
ALL: ::raising hands with one finger pointed upward:: Then you do the Hokey-Chokey
and you spee-yew your guts out! That’s what this movie’s all about!
CROW: Actually, it’s about oatmeal.
TOM: Spew makes me think of ralphing. Speaking of which, where’s that Chris Ralph
fella?
MARCO: Come on!
::MARCO and RACHEL rush out a door; two guys in jumpsuits come in the other door, one carrying a silver thermos::
CROW: Hey, look, Mike! It’s cousins Bobby-Joe and Tommy-John!
::a shot of EDLEMAN’s terrified expression before the shot changes to one of RACHEL and MARCO on the other side of their door::
MARCO: Remember earlier, how I said we were doomed?
TOM: Remember earlier, how I said, “this movie sucks”?!
::RACHEL re-opens the door a crack; scene shows one of the “guys” opening the thermos, and the other using biiiiiiiig tweezers to pull out what looks like a big slug::
CROW: He keeps his loogie in a thermos??
::shot to RACHEL’s face, then back to EDLEMAN::
EDLEMAN: No, please.... ::Shot to one of the “guys”, but EDLEMAN continues talking:: Please. Na...
::the other “guy” pulls the curtain over; shot back to RACHEL, then changes perspective to go behind her as she closes the door::
RACHEL: They’re replacing the Yeerk.
CROW: So THAT’S what Yeerks are!
TOM: Beware the mind-controlling thermos-livin’ banana slugs!
MARCO: I think things are about to get REAL ugly.
CROW: Uup - too late.
MARCO: ::continued:: Wouldn’t you like to be somewhere else right about now?
TOM: Did anyone else BESIDES THOSE TWO NOT see what a smooth pick-up line that was?
::MARCO and RACHEL go through a doorway, glance around, but turn back around and pull up their masks as one of the “guys” comes out of the room::
::sudden location change; shows HAWK flying around; HAWK lands on a sign reading: “Tom’s Burgers, Customer Parking Only”::
MIKE: Oh, look. The fried chicken is delivered fresh!
TOM: It even delivers itself!
::HAWK’s-eye view of a white van parking, and the “guys” getting out of it; HAWK screeches; the “guys”, along with EDLEMAN in a designer suit, go to the door of the building::
::shot to HAWK’s head, as it opens its beak and screeches a few times::
TOM: ::singing in a low baritone:: My Country ‘tis of thee...
::shot to an orange-eyed, blue-skinned alien with bobbing eye-stalks on top of his (bald) head:: < Is the test ready? >
CROW: Will I know if I’m pregnant in less than a minute?
::shot to a science-type guy (SCIGUY)::
SCIGUY: Yes, we’ve removed the Yeerk from this Hork-Bajir. ::moves to stand next to a life-size puppet of an alien monster-type thing::
TOM: ‘Bashir’? Shouldn’t he be on DS9?
MIKE: Bashir got up on the wrong side of the biobed this morning.
CROW: Must’ve jabbed himself with that “Turn Into a Big Ugly Monster!” hypospray
again.
TOM: Ah, good ol’ lovable Bashir.
ORANGE-EYED ALIEN: < Good. > ::to HORK-BAJIR:: < Walk through. >
::SCIGUY leads HORK-BAJIR to a doorway in the middle of the room; the HORK-BAJIR gets scanned by a red grid; a holographic grid showing a multi-color brain appears in front of the ORANGE-EYED ALIEN; above the “brain” reads, “Scan complete: No Yeerk Detected”. HORK-BAJIR turns red and disintegrates as an alarm sounds::
TOM: Oh my god! They killed Bashir!
CROW: Those bastards! NOW who will Garek talk to at lunch?
ORANGE-EYED ALIEN: < What will it do to one of ours? >
SCIGUY: Only those with a Yeerk in their head are immune.
MIKE: These must be the bad guys.
TOM: You mean they’ve got loogies in their ears?
CROW: They’re aliens! What do you expect?
ORANGE-EYED ALIEN: < Are you certain? >
SCIGUY: Yes. ::tone becomes less certain:: Yes... uh, at least in theory.
ORANGE-EYED ALIEN: ::disgustedly:: < Everything works in theory. >
CROW: Except you, you big, beautiful, four-eyed lug, you.
::SCIGUY looks uncomfortable; then EDLEMAN walks through the door::
ORANGE-EYED ALIEN: < You! Step forward. >
::EDLEMAN walks forward, through the gate; nothing happens::
MIKE: Aww, look! Nothing happened! Bashir must’ve broke it.
CROW: Anyone seen O’Brian anywhere?
ORANGE-EYED ALIEN: < Very good. Very... > ::pauses:: < ...good. >
CROW: ::makes a “tsk” noise twice:: He forgot his line...
ORANGE-EYED ALIEN: ::continued:: < Now install these at every entrance. I want these Andalite bandits! >
ALL: ::looking around, jumping up and down:: ANDALITE BANDITS?!?! Where, WHERE?!?!
EDLEMAN: Yes, sir.
CROW: Oh, he’s a loonie, and now he’s the mechanic, too?
TOM: Low budget invasion.
::scene changes to that of the barn, then moves to show MARCO: pans out to show him, RACHEL, and AX in the hayloft::
TOM: Ohh, look! The loonies from the diner!
MIKE: That was Edleman, Tom.
CROW: No, Mike. THOSE are loonies. Edleman just had an oatmeal-crazed slug in his
brain.
::camera pans downward::
CASSIE: ::walking by, carrying a saddle:: Don’t feel bad. There was nothing you could’ve done. They would have caught you!
TOM: Does she do ANYTHING besides walk around carrying things?
JAKE: ::puts down the book in his hands:: At least we know that oatmeal is like, kriptonite for Yeerks.
ALL: Like, TOTALLY.
MARCO: Now we got to find a way to get a lot of THIS stuff into a lot of human-Controllers.
CROW: Human WHATS?
TOM: Human REMOTE Controllers.
CASSIE: I don’t know... something about this just doesn’t feel right.
CROW: Or maybe I just stepped in something....
MARCO: What? We have a secret weapon here!
::shot to the bird on a stand::
BOY’S VOICE: < No, we have a weapon that messes people up. >
CROW: Mi-ike! The bird’s doing it again!
TOM: Are they STILL talking about OATMEAL?
MARCO: People?! There’s Yeerks! They’re the enemy. They attacked US, not the other way around, remember?
MIKE: All who feel we’ve missed something, say “aye”.
TOM and Mike: “Aye”!
CROW: Aye, yeah, but, for the record, I don’t think we missed anything worth seeing.
RACHEL: Sooner or later, if the Andalites send help, if the human race rises up, we’re going to try to destroy every Yeerk on Earth - right?
TOM: Is this multiple choice?
AX: But this doesn’t DESTROY the Yeerks.
JAKE: Would I do this to my brother Tom? He’d be free!.... but he’d have a Yeerk in his brain forever. ::rubs his nose:: I couldn’t do it.
BOY’S VOICE: < Isn’t some freedom better than none? >
JAKE: ::standing up and looking upward, toward the loft:: During the Civil War, they were fighting to end slavery. How’d they do that, by killing the slaves? No! By going after the slave OWNERS. That’s what we have to do: go after the YEERKS, not the human-Controllers. ::pauses dramatically:: We have to go back to the Yeerk pool.
::shot to MARCO and AX::
CROW: ::mimicking AX:: Uh-oh... is he going to test us later?
TOM: Hey! What’s the deal, Jake? Go back to being quiet! You’re our last hope for
pulling through this bomb!
MARCO: I- I don’t know, dude. I should, like, wait thirty minutes. ::rubs his stomach:: I just ate, y’know?
AX: AEE-tah.
TOM: What was THAT?
CROW: I have no idea, but they seem to think it’s funny.
::JAKE laughs; HAWK screeches::
::change of scene to a birthday cake; someone blows out the candles. A bunch of kids off-screen yell “Yay!” The camera pans up to JAKE, coming in the door; they are in a fast-food restaurant. He and RACHEL share a glance; she is by the counter. JAKE sits next to CASSIE at a booth; MARCO is seated on the other side of the table::
JAKE: Where’s Ax?
CASSIE: At home.
ALL: ::cheer like the off-screen kids did:: Yay!
CASSIE: ::continued:: We didn’t know how long it’d take to get the password.
JAKE: We’re SURE this is the entrance?
::MARCO nods::
CASSIE: Yeah! Tobias saw Edleman come in here. He never saw him come out.
::RACHEL comes up behind CASSIE and JAKE::
RACHEL: I got it. You walk up to the counter and say, ‘I’d like a cheeseburger, hold the cheese.’ Then you walk toward the back, where a side door opens... and you’re in.
TOM: I can’t believe we’re watching this!
CASSIE: We’re not hanging out at Planet Hollywood!
MIKE: And that comment came from... where?
MARCO: ::cynically:: Don’t remind me.
TOM: What do you expect from a blonde?
GUY AT COUNTER: ::grinning:: Hi, and welcome to Tom’s Burgers, my name is Chip and I’m proud to be your server today here at Tom’s Burgers, home of the Big Tom Burger and the Tom-Tom Fries! Hi, my name is Chip, how may I help you today?
CROW: -before I go shoot myself because I’m so depressed that I was so desperate that I
had to take this part?
RACHEL: We’d like four cheeseburgers, hold the cheese.
::CHIP nods toward the back; the four head off-screen::
CHIP: ::grinning again to a faceless customer:: Hi, my name is Chip....
TOM: ... and I hate myself.
::shot changes to the four entering a back room, Marco first; they look around for an entrance. Rachel opens a door; steps through and the red grid appears, and the alarm sounds::
CROW: ::as they stand up and exit the theater:: Uh-oh... the metal plate in her head is messing with
the metal detector again....
*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*
::outside the Theater, CROW sets up an easel. TOM is sitting on the counter::
TOM: ::to CROW:: You could tell it was off the TV. We’re actually in a commercial
break that’s not OURS!
::Mike walks on-screen::
MIKE: What’cha doing, Crow?
::CROW pulls up many large white cards and puts them on the easel; the top one reads, “WHAT ANIMORPHS IS ALL ABOUT”::
CROW: Here we have the top ten things Animorphs is all about! Number Ten is.....
::CROW knocks the cover card off the easel::
TOM: ::saying what the card says:: Voiceovers that have nothing to do with anything!
::CROW knocks the top card off the easel::
TOM: Directors who think they’re airplanes.
::MIKE nods in agreement::
CROW: Nummmmmmber Eight! ::knocks the top card off the easel::
::A yellow light starts to flash on the counter; the room starts shaking back and forth::
TOM: MOVIE TIME!
*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*
::The three go back into the theater and re-take their seats as they did before::
MIKE: Give me that! ::takes the card from CROW and throws it toward the left of the screen::
::On-screen, the alarm continues to go off as RACHEL looks around dumbly::
TOM: Congratulations! You’re the 1,000,000 person I’m going to disintegrate today!
::Shot to CHIP at counter, who hears the siren and runs to the back room. When he gets there, the door is open but no one’s there. He smiles stupidly. Suddenly the shot shows huge renditions of his sneakers in an odd, purple color::
RACHEL: ::voice echo-y like ORANGE-EYED ALIEN and BOY’S VOICE usually are:: < That was WAY too close. >
::two roaches slip out the door::
TOM: Welcome to Tom’s Burgers, home of the kerrrrrrrrrrUNCHiest burgers in Minnesota!
MARCO: ::voice echo-y too:: < Way, WAY to close. >
::another shot of CHIP’s stupid grin::
CROW: ::using a “surfer”-voice:: Duuuuuuude... doorways are COOL!
::change of scene to Aximili’s head::
MIKE: Ooh... that alien’s put on some weight there.
CROW: Hey! It’s that curly-haired-kid-who-isn’t-Jake!
::shot to RACHEL and CASSIE leaning against a stall door::
CASSIE: ::crosses her arms:: Well, we snuck under the door before the light could hit us.
MIKE: They SNUCK...?
::shot to all but the blue-AX in the barn::
AX: ::still off-screen:: < You are lucky to be alive. >
MARCO: What WAS that thing?
CROW: NOW he wants to know what the blue guys are?
::shot to Ax’s head again::
AX: < A Bio-filter. Stolen Andalite technology. Visser Three must have altered it to detect anything that doesn’t have a Yeerk in its head. >
::shot to JAKE next to HAWK, then to MARCO, who is sitting next to a ferret in a cage::
MARCO: ::gesturing toward and away from himself rapidly:: That would be us.
::shot to CASSIE and RACHEL::
CASSIE: ::gesturing:: What do you mean, exactly, by ‘detect’?
TOM: When he says ‘detect’, what do you THINK he means? Luau?
::"Movie" continues - shot to AX again::
AX: < There’s a three second delay, then.... >::lowers head, then raises it again:: < Total molecular disintegration. >
TOM: ::jumping angrily up and down on his seat:: IT WOULD MEAN TOTAL
MOLEC-
::shot to RACHEL and CASSIE; RACHEL raises her eyebrows. Shot to JAKE and HAWK; JAKE looks at MARCO pointedly. Shot back to MARCO::
MARCO: ::gasps softly:: That’s what I thought.
CROW: Yup, it’s the bird.
::Shot to JAKE::
JAKE: Which means we’re cut off from the Yeerk pool.
::CROW and MIKE re-do the off-screen kids-like cheer:: Yay!
::Shot to RACHEL::
RACHEL: We’re NOT giving up!
TOM: ::still sobbing:: NO! Please, no, please, give up! Give u-u-up!
::Shot to CASSIE::
CASSIE: ::looking thoughtful:: There’s another way in.
::MIKE gives TOM a tissue; TOM blows his non-existent nose very loudly::
::Shot to JAKE::
JAKE: How?
::Shot to MARCO, looking perplexed::
CROW: Duuuuuuuuh.....
::Shot to RACHEL, JAKE, and CASSIE; CASSIE walks forward, to stand in front of the ferret’s cage::
CASSIE: Through the ground.
::shot to the ferret in the cage::
TOM: ::sobering up:: He’s asking us to shoot him... can’t you see?
::Scene changes to a field, with a sort of shed in the middle; the backs of JAKE’s, MARCO’s, and RACHEL’s heads soon appear::
MARCO: What we NEED is a jackhammer to crack open the old entrance.
TOM: ::angrily:: What we NEED is a jackhammer to SMITE THIS MOVIE!!
::camera pans backwards to show the backs of everybody’s heads::
CROW: They’re using stunt doubles for this highly dangerous take.
RACHEL: We can morph into ferrets, not jackhammers.
TOM: But jackhammers are so much CUTER!
RACHEL: ::continuing in a cheerful voice:: That looks like a good spot to start digging. ::shot changes to view their fronts; they’re sitting on the ground, RACHEL with a (hoe?), JAKE with a shovel:: Any volunteers?
ALL: ::start bouncing around and waving:: Oh! Oh! Pick me! Me! Over here!
::silence; they look at one another::
RACHEL: Marco!
ALL: ::slumping in their chairs:: Awww....
::MARCO looks at RACHEL::
RACHEL: If you’re too SCARED, I’LL go first....
::shot to RACHEL rolling her eyes; CASSIE smiles smugly::
RACHEL: I was hoping you were too macho to admit that.
TOM: Marco’s not macho. He’s mediocre.
::shot to MARCO and JAKE, smiling; change shot to a hand pulling a bag of oatmeal out of a box::
ALL: SNACKTIME!!
CASSIE: Wait! How are we going to get all this oatmeal down such a small ferret hole?
CROW: Well, if we eat all we can....
RACHEL: I have an idea. ::pans to show both CASSIE and RACHEL:: If I tell you, do I still have to go first?
::shot to JAKE and MARCO::
JAKE and MARCO: ::together:: Uh-huh.
TOM: What is WITH that guy?!
CASSIE: ::nodding:: Uh-huh.
::shot to RACHEL, looking annoyed::
::change of scene to a hold in the ground; something orange and something blue are next to it. Shot pans to include a mixing bowl with oatmeal in it, the empty plastic bag of oatmeal, and the shovel JAKE had. Pans upward to CASSIE, pacing with her hand at her throat::
CASSIE: She’s been down there a long time.
CROW: It’s time we brought out the plunger and sucked ’er outta there.
::camera pans with CASSIE, to show MARCO::
MARCO: I’m sure she’s fine. Rachel’s into it.
TOM: All this for a clogged toilet?
::camera pans past JAKE, throwing a water balloon up and down::
CROW: When I see Rachel - WHAM! Boom! Straight to the moon!
CASSIE: I don’t know - she’s claustrophobic. She HATES small places.
TOM: What’s the word for hating this movie?
::camera continues to pan, now pans past AX, holding two water balloons::
JAKE: How are we going to get the Yeerks to eat the oatmeal once we get it down there?
TOM: ::like a pirate:: Argh, ye matey, we feed it to ‘em through their belly buttons!
MARCO: We’ll have an all-you-can-eat buffet, Yeerks under 12 eat free. ::grins::
::JAKE grins::
CROW: ::lightly:: Hah hah hah! Funny! ::cruelly:: Shuddup!
::camera pans to AX::
AX: We need to drop it in the pool, where the Yeerks absorb their nutrients.
TOM: This from the guy who eats milkshakes like Mike does spaghetti....
::camera pans to CASSIE; AX smells one of the balloons::
CROW: Mmmm... nummy!
::shot to the hole; a ferret pops out::
RACHEL: ::voiceover the ferret:: < Yes! Space! I mean... we’re in! >
TOM: No, I’d say they are DEFINITELY out.
::scene changes to the Yeerk pool, a very fake “underground” cave; camera pans out to show the Animorphs passing the balloons down assembly-line style; JAKE to AX to CASSIE to RACHEL to MARCO. MARCO holds one out but no one is there::
::MIKE reaches up as if to take the balloon; he moans disappointedly when MARCO pulls it back::
::MARCO takes the next balloon offered to him. JAKE moves to the foreground, carrying three balloons. They move out. Camera pans down the hallway::
JAKE’S VOICE: If we don’t call attention to ourselves, we should be able to pass as human-Controllers.
::shot to front of line, with MARCO leading the others::
RACHEL: But it’s best if they don’t see our faces if we can help it.
TOM: Can WE not see their faces? Please? Mike?
RACHEL: Where IS everybody?
::shot to the hallway again, then to the four five going through an extremely fake archway::
JAKE: Okay, we’re on. Tobias, keep watch.
CROW: Wait!! Good ol’ Chris Ralph is the HAWK?
::a clap-like sound and a roar is heard; the camera pans across. Hork-Bajir legs are seen walking on a crosswalk::
TOM: ::singing:: She’s got LEEEEEEGs, and she knows how to uuuuuuuse ‘em....
::camera pans to RACHEL, then pans up to show TOBIAS (HAWK) on a banister::
CROW: HEY! They were so worried about the oatmeal....
TOBIAS: < It’s going well. They don’t seem to notice us. >
::camera pans to show MARCO and AX going into a corner; AX pauses to look around. MARCO pulls him behind some crates::
CROW: Come ‘ere, ya big lug! ::makes a big kissing sound::
::JAKE and CASSIE walk by; CASSIE has the balloons behind her, in plain sight, as the two of them hide::
MIKE: ::in a “which-way-did-they-go-George” voice:: Nope nope nope, nobody k’n see
‘em if I can’t see ‘em....
::shot to AX and MARCO; MARCO lets go of AX’s shirt::
MARCO: This probably isn’t the time to ask, but you can throw, can’t you?
::AX nods; MARCO turns away, getting ready::
AX: ::leaning forward; exaggerated whisper:: Marco?
MARCO: ::looking back at him:: Yeah?
TOM: ::in same exaggerated whisper:: Are you married?
AX: What is... ‘throw’?
::MARCO gets a “look” on his face; AX blinks his eyes, looking innocent; MARCO turns to look at AX::
::shot to JAKE, hurrying across the screen with his water balloons, leans casually against a metal... something::
CROW: Jake’s counting on his charm to hide those water balloons.
::shot to RACHEL as she hides behind what looks like a small sewer tank; a bunch of humans walk out of a doorway behind her::
MIKE: Yup, THAT’S the place to hide.
::a WRESTLER-like guy walks by; camera pans to CASSIE, who looks up and gasps; a HORK-BAJIR’s head, with a drunk expression on its face, is there; the HORK-BAJIR turns quickly to look as CASSIE ducks out of sight::
CROW: Even the horns can’t fool Bashir’s most dedicated fan-girls....
::TOBIAS starts screeching; the HORK-BAJIR turns to look. The HORK-BAJIR “points” with a claw (It looks as if it’s pondering something)::
MIKE: Now where DID I put that antidote-hypospray?
::WRESTLER points a flashlight with a sighting scope (known to insiders as a “Dracon Beam”) upward: a flashpot goes off in front of the hawk, then the camera shoots outward to show a very, VERY fake “hawk” falling::
RACHEL: ::looking horrified:: NO! ::”hawk” continues to fall; RACHEL runs out from her hiding place::
JAKE’S VOICE: No, don’t go!
TOM: ::chanting:: Hell, no! Let me go!
::a woman with a Dracon Beam turns around and “shoots”; a flash goes off by RACHEL’s ankles. RACHEL goes “flying” into the air; several shots of slow-motion shows RACHEL falling, falling... until finally finally FINALLY she falls into the Yeerk pool::
MIKE: Those flashlights REALLY should’ve been recalled for that glitch...
::a BALD MAN shows up, from the humans on the stairway; he moves into the foreground::
BALD MAN: No one moves. There are Andalite bandits among us.
CROW: Is that- Mike, is that bald guy impersonating the orange-eyed blue guy?
BALD MAN: ::looks around at the humans around him:: To me! ::approaches the side of the pool, where a lot of bubbles show where RACHEL fell:: You can’t escape, you know that, don’t you.
::shot to JAKE; RACHEL voiceover:: < It’s okay, Jake. >
CROW: ::cheerfully:: I can hold my breath for a whole two more seconds!
BALD MAN ::continued:: All your foolish plans for NOTHING.
::a HORK-BAJIR “roars”; BALD MAN looks up. shot to MARCO and AX::
MARCO: We gotta do something.
TOM: ::mimicking AX:: Marry me!
AX: We must use our weapon. ::MARCO nods::
::shot to BALD MAN::
AX: ::voiceover:: < Visser! We have something you fear. We have maple flavored oatmeal. >
::BALD MAN (VISSER THREE) smiles slightly::
CROW: HEY! That’s the blue-eyed blue guy talking! They’re humans!
::shot back to MARCO and AX::
MARCO:: ::ruefully:: Oh, yeah, he’s shaking now.
::shot to VISSER THREE standing up::
VISSER THREE: ::talking loudly:: Are you THREATENING me, Andalite?
::shot to CASSIE’s face, but AX talks::
AX: < Let us go, or we poison the Yeerk pool. >
MIKE: Hey, look! Andalites can throw their voiceovers.
::shot to VISSER THREE’s head::
VISSER THREE: ::laughing:: Really? There are perhaps a thousand Yeerks in this pool... a tiny fraction of our forces. YOU, however, are the LAST REMAINING ANDALITES in THIS SECTOR> Your forces are spread too thin to come to your aid before this ENTIRE PLANET is under Yeerk control.
::shot to CASSIE, looking like she’s going to cry; to JAKE, looking stiff; and to a crumpled “hawk”::
TOM: Oh, NO! CHRIS! I still love you, Chris! CHRIIIIIIIIIS!!!
::camera pans to VISSER THREE, facing the other way, with one finger in the air::
VISSER THREE: Once you’re gone, I win! ::shot to his face with an uuuuuuugly expression:: What makes you think I wouldn’t sacrifice a THOUSAND Yeerks for that?
CROW: But whatEVER would your MOTHER say, you nasty-bad naughty bald guy?
::shot to a lion just moseying through::
RACHEL (the lion): < How about a thousand and one? > ::the lion leaps into VISSER THREE, knocking him into the Yeerk pool::
JAKE: NOW! ::heaves a balloon::
::shot to MARCO and AX standing up; shot to JAKE’s balloon going into the pool::
ALL: WHEE!
::AX’s and MARCO’s balloons almost land on each other as they go into the pool::
ALL: WHEE! WHEEEE!
::JAKE throws again; (you can see a balloon bobbing on the surface as) JAKE’s second balloon goes in::
ALL: WHEEEEEE!
::Two people help VISSER THREE out of the pool; CASSIE heaves a balloon, which explodes on VISSER THREE’s face, leaving a lot of watery oatmeal dripping down his face::
VISSER THREE: ::sputtering:: GET THEMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!
TOM: ::hysterically:: I MUST have their RECIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
::Funky music plays; a bunch of people bearing flashlights run out of fake caves and start shooting; CASSIE runs down the walkway the HORK-BAJIR had been on with flashpots going off all around her; two people simultaneously jump in opposite directions, shooting::
CROW: ::in his announcer’s voice:: When Stuntpeople Get Bored...
::CASSIE continues down the ramp, gets to safety on the other side. The lion blocks two people who chased CASSIE, who run away blubbering::
JAKE’S VOICE: Tobias!
::Shot to JAKE, picking up the “hawk”::
JAKE: Tobias... oh...
CROW: Ooh, you’re dead, sorry, didn’t mean to bug you.
::JAKE looks over his shoulder, then looks toward the “hawk”, smoothing the feathers (of the EXTREMELY VERY FAKE BIRD)::
TOM: ::still hysterical:: It’ll be okay, Chris - I’ll get you a BETTER contract!
::Shot to a HORK-BAJIR raising its head; its talon brushes against JAKE’s face. Suddenly, a water balloon bursts on the HORK-BAJIR’s face, rocking its head to the side::
CROW: ::in his announcer’s voice:: Much mourning on Deep Space Nine today as
Doctor Bashir’s neck was fatally broken by a water balloon thrown by a jealous younger actor!
::JAKE bolts with “hawk”; shot to MARCO, who pumps his fist::
MARCO: YES! Nothin’ but horn. ::WRESTLER takes (wobbly) aim; a flashpot goes off by MARCO:: Whoa! ::MARCO bolts::
::gratuitous running scene until the Animorphs are all running back through the fake archway::
JAKE’S VOICE: Come on, guys, let’s go!
::the lion takes up the rear. Scene change to the ferret hole, as several ferrets pop out of it. scene to a bubbling portion of the Yeerk pool::
RACHEL ((voiceover)): Going back to the Yeerk pool frightened me.
TOM: ::calmed down:: Although it is NOTHING compared to watching this film.
::scene of Yeerk pool fades slightly for an overlapping picture of VISSER THREE’s face::
RACHEL ((voiceover)): ::continued:: It always will. NOTHING matters to Visser Three, not Earth, not us, not even the other Yeerks.
MIKE: Not even that he’s bald?
CROW: Maybe he should keep the blue stuff when he’s human. Y’know - toupee to
relieve the glare....
::scene of the Yeerk pool strengthens, making VISSER THREE’s face disappear, then fades to a picture of the Animorphs standing in a huddle::
RACHEL ((voiceover)): ::continued:: We’re not like that. We care. We’re in this for each other.
::picture of huddle fades into one of TOBIAS jumping from a branch to fly, then fades completely to just show the bubbling pool; the pool fades outs completely::
::credits start rolling::
ALL: It’s OVER?!?! ::start celebrating, their voices running together:: It’s over! Whoo-
HOO! Yay!
::credits suddenly stop; a picture of PEARL (obviously on a home video camera with a bad cameraman) comes up::
MIKE: Whoa, it’s Pearl! SHE’S in this movie?
CROW: I’m liking it better already!
PEARL: Shut your overworked trap, Nelson. Bobo! Hold that camera steady! ::composes herself:: Listen, Nelson - bots - I’m sorry I couldn’t deliver the... ahem... “movie”... personally, but see, Bobo-
::camera swivels around sharply to show a guy (BOBO) who is SUPPOSED to look just as much like a PLANET OF THE APES reject as he does::
::camera turns back around::
PEARL: BUT, as I was SAYING, me, Bobo the Brainless, there, and Brain-guy, who’s busy now - we got sucked down this sort of vortex thing... complicated, no need for an explanation... so my automatic mail service is sending you these things... “Animorphs”, it’s called... until I get back. It’s a really crappy half-hour show based on an exceptional kid’s book series-
TOM: I’LL say!
PEARL: ::smiling:: Oh, good! Well, Brain-guy thinks we should be out of here in a year or so-
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PEARL: ::smile widens:: -enjoy! B’bye losers!
::screen goes blank::
::the Three simply sit in the silent theater for a long time::
CROW: Well....
::silence continues for a while::
CROW: ::standing up:: ....we’re doomed.
*-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*~-~*
AND... WHAT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...
THE FINAL CLIP!
EDLEMAN: I just need another bowl of oatmeal.
::View goes to the fan, then returns to EDLEMAN::
EDLEMAN: Instant maple.
::Another shot of the fan, then back to EDLEMAN again::
EDLEMAN: One bowl.
::fade out... this is the END, folks! GET OUT OF HERE! RRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Click here to go back to the index>
MARCO: ::holding a french fry in his hand:: I can’t believe oatmeal’s our secret weapon.
JAKE: ::snatching the fry from MARCO:: No kidding. I mean, ANY battle involving oatmeal is NOT going to be historic. Take Gettysburg. There was no major oatmeal involved there.
MARCO: ::snatching back the french fry:: World War II? Neither side used oatmeal.
JAKE: ::snatches the french fry again:: And was it Oatmeal Storm? Don’t think so. ::bites the fry. MARCO looks disgusted::
MARCO: I can’t believe we’re going back to the Yeerk pool. WILLINGLY!
CROW: ::mimicking MARCO:: I can’t believe ANYONE would watch this.
WILLINGLY!
RACHEL: Are we ready? Let’s do it.
MARCO: You never learn, do you? ::all the actors stand and move toward the counter::
CROW: Are YOU a blond, Mike?
MIKE: I’m ignoring that.
::CHIP stops grinning:: Hold the cheese?
RACHEL: ::dead serious:: Hold The Cheese.
CROW: I know, scary, isn’t it?
TOM: Well, Mike, since we got bored during these commercials-
CROW: -not to mention throughout the beginning of this movie-
TOM: -we’ve decided to make a list, which we fondly titled, “What Animorphs is All
About”.
MIKE: True...
CROW: Number Nine!
TOM: Doogie... Howser.
MIKE: Now wait... that was a joke....
CROW: Number Seven! ::knocks the top card off the easel::
MIKE: ::muttering:: You’re picking these up later, Crow!
CROW: Am not!
TOM: ::over them both:: Where is Christopher Ralph, our favorite actor now that Jake’s
opened his mouth?
MIKE: Y’know, that’s a good point!
CROW: Number Six! ::knocks the top card off the easel harder than before; MIKE
moves out of the way to avoid being hit::
TOM: Talking hawks!
MIKE: That DOES seem to happen a lot....
CROW: Number FIVE! ::almost throws the top card at MIKE::
MIKE: Hey!
TOM: ::oblivious:: Baaaaaaaaa-nana slugs!
CROW: Four! ::DOES throw the top card at MIKE; barely misses::
TOM: Amateur cameramen!
MIKE: Hey, Crow, would you watch-
CROW: THREE! ::barely misses MIKE with the top card::
TOM: Deep... Space... Nine!
MIKE: Okay, I think that’s enough. Crow-!
CROW: No, Mike, we’re only on TWO! ::hits MIKE in the head with the top card::
MIKE: Ow!
TOM: Electric fans!
CROW: ONNNNNNNNNNE!!!!!!!!!!! ::whacks MIKE on the head, over and over again,
with the last card::
MIKE: ::while TOM reveals #1:: Ow! Hey! Quit it, Crow! Crow! Gypsy, help!
Cambot!
TOM: OATMEAL!!!!!!!! YAY! Join us next time when we reveal the Top Ten Possible
Places to Find Christopher Ralph!
CROW: Ahh! Movie time!
MIKE: Ahh! Quit it! It’s Movie time!
CROW: Aww, Mi-ike!
TOM: Gotta love the contacts though... blue eyes are DEFINITELY cuter.
AX’S VOICE: < How did you escape? >
CROW: They reverted to true form, Mike.
MIKE: Uh... what?
CROW: Roach....?
MIKE: OOOOOH...!
MIKE: Who else feels like they’ve missed something?
CROW: We already went over that, Mike.
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
MIKE: Leave her alone, Tom. She gets confused when she isn’t carrying things around.
TOM: Oh! Sort of like putting an ant in a glass jar!
CROW: Can we do that to this movie, Mike?
TOM: No! No! Let’s use a magnifying lens! Yeah!
MARCO: ::to AX:: ‘Total molecular disintegration’.... would mean what?
MIKE: ::pushes TOM back down in his seat:: Hey, save that energy. It hasn’t even been
twenty minutes yet!
::TOM starts to sob::
BOY’S VOICE: < NOW what are we going to do? They must have these bio-filters at every entrance by now. >
MIKE: I was hoping it was God. He could smite ‘em. Darn.
CROW: Well, it WOULD be a mercy killing....
MARCO: ::agreeably:: Yeah, I’m scared. ::smugly:: I learned my lesson at the hospital.
MIKE: Wish I could say that much for his acting....
MIKE: I think it only works if it ISN’T pre-digested.
CROW: Drat.
AX: ::opening his mouth wide; mechanically:: Uh-huh.
CROW: Animorphobia.
MIKE: No, THAT’S when you’re afraid these people will show up at your house....
CROW: Do banana slugs HAVE belly buttons? Isn’t that a mammal thing?
::MARCO puts his elbow on JAKE’s shoulder::
MIKE: Hey! Leave me out of this!
MIKE: They can dream, Tom. LET them dream.
TOM: Not on MY time, buddy!
MIKE: Sorry, Tom. We can’t help it. The movie is cruel.
::TOM sobs softly::
TOBIAS: ::previously BOY’S VOICE; heard, but not seen:: < Like a hawk. >
TOM: Why’d they show the guy in the beginning if all he does is talk over the hawk?
CROW: HEY! He’s stealing OUR bit!
TOM: Yeah! How did they get the HAWK down the ferret hole?!
MIKE: TOM! Don’t rile the censors!
CROW: That’s MY job.
RACHEL ::voiceover as VISSER THREE crouches down:: < I made it out. >
BALD MAN: ::continues:: Eventually, you WILL realize that there’s no point in fighting anymore.
TOM: ::muttering:: Stereotypical....
CROW: Wait... isn’t this Visser THREE an Andalite?
TOM: ::using a monotone:: Don’t try to make sense of our movie. Your primitive minds
cannot comprehend.
MIKE: Thank GOD....
MIKE: ::puts TOM in his lap:: Now, now, he’s all right... ::to CROW:: I don’t think he’s
going to survive another hour of this....
BOBO: Hiya Mike! Crow! Oh, boy!
PEARL: ::off-screen:: BOBO!
BOBO: ::cringes:: Ooh!
BOBO: ::off-screen:: I HAVE THEM ALL!
PEARL: SHUT UP, MONKEYTURD! ::BOBO whimpers; PEARL smiles with strained pleasantness:: So, I hope you enjoy, and, don’t worry, I’ll be back soon enough to resume the pleasure of sending you hand-picked movies. As it is, you’ll have to do with the half-hours of condensed horror.
CROW: That was like drinking evaporated milk without water!
MIKE: ::picking up TOM and standing as well:: I wonder if Edleman’s looking for a roommate...
Exposure.