MY ADVERNTURE WITH GREEN DAY



Dear Diary,

I still can't beleive it!! Me, Laurie L., the plainest, most boring girl at Pinhole Valley
High School, the girl that all the boys bark at when I walk by, the girl whose Mother
wouldn't even let her go to a New Kids On The Block concert because "there's often a
bad element at those rock concerts, dear," I got to go on a 4 day tour with my total
hearthrobs, GREEN DAY!!!

Little did I know that when I entered a "Win A Dream Date With Green Day" contest in
Tiger Beat magazine (my lame-o brother calls it Puberty Beat, but what does he know,
he's probably a homo anyways) that I, out of all the millions of Green Day fans in
America would get picked!!
The day that the letter arrived was the happiest day of my life. But before I could get
too excited, I realized that I had a biiiig problem....my parents!!! I knew that they'd never
let me go off with a rock band for even one night, let alone 4 days!

So for once I decided not to put up with thier crap. I wasn't sure what to do, so at
school the next day I went around to all the wierdos and asked them what THEY would
do? 

See, I figure people who have blue mohawks and come to school only when they feel
like it and make these gross magazines with naked pictures in them must have figured
out a way to handle thier parents.

So I went to this guy Eggplant (boy I feel sorry for him, his parents must have really
hated him to name him something like that), and he looked at me like, "You really
wanna go on tour with Green Day?"

And I said, "Oh yeah, I'd DIE to go on tour with Green Day." He looked at me kind of
funny and said, "Yeah, but would you KILL?"

I thought he was joking, but I wasn't sure. Then I looked at his beady little eyes piercing
deep into my soul and I KNEW he wasn't. I thought, hmmm, what the hell, you only go
around once, migh as well go for it, blah blah, blah....

So I said, kinda hoarse and everything, "Yeah, I guess I would..."

And he said, "Then the one you should talk to is Claude."

OMIGOD!!! Even I had heard of Claude. He's so evil that he's practically....SATANIC!!!
He dropped out of school in 8th grade, and all he ever does is take drugs and read wierd
books and molest little girls. I was always afraid to even look at him.

But I'd gone too far now to stop. After school, instead of going home, I went to
Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley where all the scummy people hang out, and sure enough,
there was Claude. He looked all perverted and he was smoking cigarettes and all these
girls were standing around him like they wanted him to do bad stuff to them.

But they got out of the way when they saw me coming, and Claude wasn't mean or dirty
or anything. He was actually kinda nice.

He said, "My friend Eggplant tells me YOU have a
problem."

I said, "Two problems, actually. Two really BIG ones."

"Parents, huh? This should take care of em."
He handed me a brown bottle full of pills.

"How many of these should I take?" I asked him.

He laughed, kind of heh-heh like. "No, you dont take them, THEY do. Your parents."

"Oh NO," I said, "My parents wouldnt take drugs. Their Christian Scientists."

"You look like a smart little girl. I'll bet you can figure something out." And you know
what? He was right. I DID!

That night, I offered to help my mother make dinner. Then, when she wasnt looking, I
emptied all of Claude's pills into the mashed potatoes. Then, I said I didnt feel like
eating, and went upstairs and listened to all of my Green Day records 5 or 6 times.

After awhile, I stuck my head out the door.
"YUCK!" I heard my dadsay. "These are the worst mashed potatoes I ever tasted in my
life!"

"Then cook your own goddam dinner, you lazy scumbag, I'm not your slave." I was
suprised, my mother didnt usually swear.

My dad said, "I'm not going to eat these. They taste like shit!"

But my mother yelled at him, "You eat all those potatoes, or I will dump them over
your head, and shove the dish up your ass."

"SHHHH" he said. "Laurie will hear you!"

"She's asleep, the stupid little bitch! I swear, I dont see how my daughter could be such
an idiot! I bet the babies got switched at the hospital!"

"Now, she's just a little bit slow."

"Yeah, and I wonder who she got it from. Are you gonna eat those potatoes?" My dad
always does what mom tells him. I even heard him scraping the bowl. 

After awhile, I heard a clunk and a crash, and then the whole dinning room table fell
over. I went downstairs, and they were both flopped out on the floor, like, totally dead.
It was wierd. I realized that I better do something before my brother got home, because
I didnt have enough pills to take care of him too. 

Luckily, we had a brand new garbage disposal, so I took a butcher knife and cut mom
and dad up into little pieces and put them down the garbage. It took a long time, and it
was kinda messy, but I kept singing all my favorite Green Day songs, and it made the
work easier.

The only trouble was, the bones wouldn't go down the garbage disposal, and now I was
getting nervous, because my brother would be home any minute. Then I got an idea. I
gathered up all the bones and carried them out into the backyard, and threw them over
the fence to the neighbor's pitbull. He was so happy, he didnt even bark at me.

Then my brother came home. "Where's mom and dad?" he asked.

"Uh....they went to....Utah...!"

"Utah! Why the hell would they go there?"

"Uh, I think they decided to become Mormons or
something."

He looked at me kinda wierd and went upstairs to look at his porno pictures. I went to
my room and started packing my bags!

The next morning, I was at the airport. My own private jet waiting for me there, and you
know what, it was all painted GREEN, and on the side of it it said "WELCOME
ABOARD LAURIE L., GREEN DAY TOUR '90."

So, I went on the plane, and I was the only passenger! And all the stewardesses just
waited on me! and they listened to Green Day records all the way to Arizona, where the
tour was going to start!

When I got there, there was a limo, GREEN limo, of course, waiting for me, and this
guy with a top hat opened the door for me, and when I got in the back seat, THERE
THEY WERE!!! All three of them, Billie Joe, Mike, and Tre!!! I was so excited I didn't
even know where to sit, I mean, I didnt know which one of them to sit next ot first.

So I sat between Billie Joe and Tre, and they both started talking to me, but I didnt
know which one I liked best cause they were both so nice, but then I decided I liked
Bille Joe better, because Tre kept singing these rap songs that had lots of bad words in
them. In fact, I was suprised they even let him in the band, because I didnt think
GREEN DAY ever said swear words. Well, they did on that one song, "Knowledge",
but thats only because it was written by some other band, Operation Ivy, who I heard
were a bunch of punk rockers.

Then we went to a show at this place called "Hippycore" and there were all these people
with long hair standing around eating vegatables and stuff. It was kind of icky. But the
worst thing was when I found out there were gonna be some OTHER bands playing,
too. I got really mad and said, "Why cant GREEN DAY just play for 3 hours? Why do
you have all these other stupid bands?" Everybody told me to be quiet, and that the
other bands were good too. But they werent. I mean, they weren't GREEN DAY. They
didnt even have any songs that I could sing along to. So, I kept yelling, "BOOOOO!
Your terrible! We want Green Day!!" untill some rocker bitch told me to shut up or she
would rearrange my face with her bottle opener.

I wondered if she was just trying to be friendly, but I decided she wasnt, so I went
outside to wait for my heroes, GREEN DAY. But when they finally played, it was
worth everything! Billie sang one of my favorite songs, and then, right in the middle of
"Disappearing Boy", he stopped and said, "I'd like to dedicate this song to out very
special friend Laurie L., who came down from Pinhole to be here with us today. She's
just so beautiful and nice, gosh, I know if she was my girlfriend, I'd never disappear
again."

That's when I fainted. When I woke up, the show was over, and they were packing away
all of the equipment. I said, "Billie Joe, did you really mean what you said on stage?"

And he looked at my sincere, and said, "You know it babe, but our love can never be,
because I already belong to another. Besides, your too young and innocent for the life
of a rock and roll wife. Take my advice, go back to Pinhole and finish school, and one
day you'll make some lucky guy very happy."

"But Billie, I'd do anything to be with you. I already did! I killed my parents just so I
could be here tonite."

But he just laughed and said, "Really? Killed your parents, huh? Thats pretty cool."

Then we all got in Green Day's tour bus to drive to Los Angeles. I was pretty excited,
because I never was in Hollywood before, and I had a map of all the stars' houses and
everything.

But we didnt see any movie stars, just a bunch of boys with big hairdoos and women
that Tre said were prostitutes. I never know whether to beleive him or no. 

He's kinda mean you know. I am starting to think he's my least favorite member of
Green Day, because he kept singin that horrible Ice Cube song that goes, "Bitch-killa,
bitch-killa." Besides, when I asked him for his autograph, he said I had to talk to his
agent, and when I asked who his agent was, he started to unzip his pants.

So I screamed, and Bille and Mike told Tre to behave and he did after that, even though
I said I thought they should tie him up till the next show, but Mike said alot of
drummers are like that, thier brains just get rattled around too much from all that
pounding.

Then you know what? I saw Billie and Mike drinking out of BEER BOTTLES!! I was
shocked, because they're not even 21, in fact their only 18, so I asked them what the big
idea was, but Billie took me aside and whispered, "Listen, you've got to keep this a
secret, but there isnt really beer in these bottles."

"There isnt?" I asked.

"NO, it's really milk. Everybody in Green Day likes milk best of all, but the thing is, we
drink it out of beer bottles because if we dont, people will make fun of us and think we
are sissies." Then I understood and I felt so sorry for the boys. Peer Pressure is such a
terrible thing.

At the show in Hollywood I even got to stay backstage and everything, but just as the
boys were getting ready to play, there was a knock at the dressing room door.

"It must be our deli tray." Everyone said, but it wasnt. It was the POLICE! OMIGOD!! I
jumped in front of the officers, and said, "Wait! Dont arrest Green Day. There isnt
really beer in those bottles, its really milk!"

He looked at me and said "Is it now? And your name wouldnt happen to be Laurie, now
would it little lady?"

And I said, "Thats my name, dont wear it out."
"Then we'll have to ask you to come with us."
"What do you mean?" I screamed. "Are you crazy? Green Day is going to be playing any
minute now!"

But he said, "Sorry, it cant be helped," and they took me in back of the police car and
handcuffed me and everything, and then I thought, oh god, I wonder if this has anything
to do with my parents?

Sure enough, it did. That stupid pitbull dragged one of my dad's collarbones into the
house, and its owner found it and called the cops. So I didnt get to see the rest of the
tour, and I had to go to court and everything and now I'm in jail, and I might not get out
until the year 2019.

Oh well, everyone's pretty nice here and they let me listen to my Green Day tapes. But
they all ask me, was it worth it? Killing your parents just so you could go on tour with
Green Day? And I just smile, a deep, knowing smile, because I've seen and done things
that they'll never experience, not if they live to be 100, and I say, "Of course it was.
After all, everyone gets 2 parents, but there's only one GREEN DAY."