'TEK'
by Courtney Friesen
It is Christmas Day, at Jin's house, and all the Tekken combatants are
getting over their differences, celebrating the season and eating chestnuts
on an open fire, discovering they can be friends. Suddenly, a strange green
person appears out of nowhere...
OGRE: I am Ogre, and I will kill you all!! (Raising arms triumphantly)
BRYAN: (Obviously surprised and clutching his chest) Help! That scared the
hell out of me and now I'm having a heart attack! Akk! Uho! Ohh!... Oh,
never mind. I'm already dead.
JULIA: Well, I am Julia Chang, and I will defeat you with the magical
pendant that my mother gave me to protect my friends! (Julia reaches in her
shirt and pulls out a crappy piece of rock, old and worthless)
PAUL: (In a baby voice) Awwe... did you mommy pack your lunch too?
Julia is horrified by the remark. Nina approaches Paul and all the other
people form a circle around Paul, Nina, and Ogre.
NINA: (Places her hands on her hips) Shut yer damn cake hole, loser. You're
only making the situation worse.
HWOARANG: Watch out Paul. The vicious slut might can you.
GON: (Makes a snarling sound that sounds strangely like a laugh)
Nina turns to face Hwoarang, her face beet red. Anna slaps Hwoarang.
ANNA: (Pointing a finger in his face) How DARE you say that to my sister!
JIN: Fighting is not the answer, you guys. (He makes eyes contact with
everyone while raising an arm slightly in the air, reminding King of
Cyclops)
JULIA: (Wipes a trickling tear from her cheek) My mother used to say that...
HEIHACHI: (Grabbing Jin by the shoulder) Shut up Jin! You're so full of it!
All your emotional crap, and your voodoo tricks...
LAW: (Gives a concerned look and starts to say something)
PAUL: (To Julia, putting a hand under her chin) Did your mummy tuck you in
every night too?
While Paul is mocking Julia, Nina steps out from the center of the circle
and Xiaoyu cautiously steps forward. All the time Ogre stands there,
bewildered.
XIAOYU: (To Paul) Stop picking on the weak and helpless!
KING: (Makes a grunting sound and slowly crossed his arms over his chest)
Xiaoyu slaps Paul square across the face and turns away, her own face red.
LAW: Uncle Paul! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
BRYAN: Shut up, kid. He's okay.
Law is offended, and kicks Bryan in the butt. Bryan doesn't even feel it.
Dr. B: (Laughs) Pansy pansy pansy!
OGRE: You humans are too emotional. (He crosses his arms and smiles)
EDDY: (Pointing and accusing finger) Just who are you and what do you want?
Ogre laughs, picks up a shivering Mokujin by the butt, and lights him on
fire. He then throws Mokujin at Eddy, but he misses. Instead it hits Dr. B
and Gon, and all three burn to a crisp.
Eddy starts to do his Caepori dance.
HEIHACHI: Stupid boy! (He crunches his face and approaches Eddy) I said no
more of that damn voodoo crap - from ANYBODY! (He kills Eddy with a single
blow)
NINA: You fool! Look what you did!
JIN: Grandfather, that wasn't very nice...
Xiaoyu holds onto Panda for protection, obviously shaken by her
surroundings. Paul is rubbing some feeling back into his face, from Xiaoyu's
slap. Julia is bawling, hands covering her face. Ogre is amused. Hwoarang
has his hands positioned close to his nuts, his face still red from Anna's
slap.
Suddenly, the bathroom door swings open and Lei stumbles out.
LEI: Sorry gang, I just had a KILLER plup! Woohoo! Don't go in there... (He
sees the burning trio, a few people crying, a dead man and an ugly green
thing)
XIAOYU: (Letting go of Panda and running to Lei's arms) Lei! Thank goodness
you're here!
LEI: (Pushes her away) EEEWWWW... Cooties...
XIAOYU: But... but... I don't have cooties....
Xiaoyu bursts into tears. Kuma, fed up with the crying, sits on Xiaoyu,
killing her instantly. Panda gets mad and sits on Kuma, killing him.
NINA AND ANNA: (Charging at Ogre) Double sister attack!
OGRE: Pathetic twins!! Ha ha!! (He grabs the two by their heads and smashes
them together, creating a coconut sound)
JULIA: (Stops crying) Oh, HA HA HA!!!! That sounded cool! (Everyone turns
and glares at her. Putting a hand to her mouth...) Oh, uh... never mind...
JIN: (Putting his hands on his hips) Julia, I'm ashamed of you.
JULIA: Oh... I'm sorry... (Realizing how dumb she is, she starts to weep)
PAUL: SHUT THE HECK UP YOU MAMA'S GIRL!
HEIHACHI: (To Julia) Stupid girl... You are not worthy of my grand-son!
HWOARANG: Now, who will help me defeat Ogre?!
Lei is rolling in a pile of plup. Panda is holding Xiaoyu's dead body. Julia
is trying to regain her composure. Bryan sneaked away, jumping out of a
window. Heihachi and Jin are arguing. Law is trying to comfort Paul.
Hwoarang notices two shimmering objects in a dark room.
HWOARANG: Excuse me one moment. (He curtsies sweetly to Ogre, at which Ogre
smiles, and walks into the room with the two shimmering objects. The room is
dark, and upon turning on the light, he discovers...) Gun Jack! Yoshi!
SICK!!!! (He runs back to the main room)
Upon returning, he discovers Ogre lounging on a bear skin rug that used to
be Panda, waving a sensual finger at Julia. King is warning Ogre to lay off
'his' girl. Law is driving Paul to the hospital, thinking Xiaoyu was
probably too strong for the old man. Lei has finished rolling in plup, and
despite color and odor, he is the only one who looks half-sane.
HWOARANG: Lei! Let's moon dust this creep!
LEI: (Nods approvingly, raising and outstretched hand to his hairline) Let's
do it!!
Hwoarang and Lei charge Ogre.
OGRE: (Holding his nose) PUTRID! You smell like plup! (He grabs Lei by the
neck and hauls the now lifeless body across the room)
Jin and Heihachi are still bickering. King is about to exit the scene.
Hwoarang stops and goes to Julia. He's about to slap her when...
BBAAMMM!!! The door flies open and in steps Kazuya and Lee! (As the door
flies open, it crushes King against the wall, killing him)
KAZUYA AND LEE: (Each raising a fist) Butt whuping time!
JIN: Daddy!
HEIHACHI: Sons!
Jin and Heihachi run with wide, Sailor Moon eyes and open arms to the two
men.
LEE: Heihachi, you were a terrible father. (He steps on Heihachi's knee,
then on his head, crushing his brain)
KAZUYA: Jin, you have been seduced by that emotional freak of nature in the
corner. For that, you must die. (He is about to kill Jin...)
JIN: No! I hate her! She's a poo poo head with no brain and she won't leave
me alone! You now have no reason to kill me!
KAZUYA: (Shurgs) I hate you anyway. (He picks Jin up by the shirt and throws
him at Julia. They ricochet off the wall, and wham into ogre. All three die,
lying in a pile of plup with Julia on the bottom)
LEE: Oh no! (Pointing at Ogre's limps body, which happens to be glowing)
Look, Kazuya! (He flicks his sexy hair)
KAZUYA: He's going to explode! A self-destruct mechanism, only Ogreians
possess! We have to get out of this house!
The two men run through the room, knowing the house would blow at any
moment. They hurdle over dead bodies and bears. They jump out the same
window Bryan did earlier just before the house explodes into a million
pieces. They are safe, but Gun Jack and Yoshi were still... busy inside.
They survive (GEE DARN)
SGAFAWTP - SEXY GUYS ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO PREVAIL
EPIOLOGUE:
The Mishima Industy was passed on jointly to Lee and Kazuya, the only
surviving members of the Mishima Industry. They learn to get along famously.
On his way out of the area, Bryan was bit by a rabid dog, causing him to act
like a doG, and he lived only three short hours (he was chasing cars).
On their way to the hospital, Law's car was struck by a meteor and exploded.
Hwoarang disappeared from the scene and hasn't been seen since. Is he alive?
Maybe, maybe not - I guess we'll never know.
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