(stagehand rolls out a coffin. The lid slides off and the reclining Vincent levitates out. Audience gasps)
Tifa: No one takes my limelight.
(Tifa breaks a thin thread and Vincent tumbles to the ground. He gets tangled up in his cape, but finally makes it upright)
Vincent: (regaining his composure) Ahem, "I can't believe they're replacing me!" But at least I'm prepared for it, vhich is more than ve can say for my sad companions here.
Host: Ah, yes. Vincent, you're at an advantage here because you're also a professional vampire. Tell me, did you anticipate this, and is that why you chose this unique if not down right abnormal lifestyle?
Vincent: Ah hah hah hah hah hah! (lightning strikes in the background. Several audience members are struck dead) Vell, I've always thought a cape vas rather stylish. But, yes, I'd planned to go into the vampiring business long before, ah, Tifa VIII was announced.
Tifa: What?! And I just thought you had a coffin fetish.
Yuffie: Actually, I just assumed he was insane. Seems I was right.
Host: Aren't you mad that he made plans for this and didn't warn you guys? Don't you want to slam his blood-sucking face into the wall?
Barrett: Yeah, but what's the point. I mean, he's already undead. Hey, why aren't we talking about how "I can't believe they're replacing me!" ?
Host: Heh, ah, well...say, your shoelaces are untied.
Barrett: (stoops down) Really?
Host: (desperately) Feeling aggressive, Tifa?
Tifa: Well, yeah, a bit, but you really should get more people up here if you want a really good brawl.
Yuffie: Call in that other insane guy. (Barrett: They look fine to me...)
Host: All right then! Sephiroth!
(curtains open to reveal stagehand still touching up Sephiroth's hair with silver spray paint.)
Sephiroth: (frowns) I told you to spray faster.
(Sephiroth shoves a sword through stagehand, then flings stagehand, sword and all, into the audience. An audience member is impaled while two others are crushed to death)
(Sephiroth strolls forth to the sound of canned laughter. Stagehand quickly corrects his mistake, but Sephiroth strangles stagehand to death anyway.)
Sephiroth: "I can't believe they're replacing me!" Especially after beholding my natural good looks.
Host: (whispering to Sephiroth) You forgot your contacts.
Sephiroth: (frowns) I knew I forgot something. Hey, stagehand! Yeah, the green ones.
(Sephiroth takes contacts from stagehand and puts them on. He stabs stagehand with a gel-saturated strand of hair and drop kicks the body into the audience)
Host: Hey, stagehand, mop up that blood, it's getting on the rug.
(stagehand mops up blood)
(Vincent snatches mop from stagehand and begins squeezing blood into his mouth.)
(Sephiroth snatches stagehand and impales stagehand with microphone stand)
Vincent: (throws mop aside) Stale. I need fresh blood!
Host: Sure, Vincent, whatever you want. Now, Sephiroth, what do you think about the new Tifa VIII?
Sephiroth: Well, Host, I was very distressed when I heard that they were planning to replace me with another villain in the new game. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I poured my heart into that game. I don't think you'll see better acting from a villain elsewhere. (looks for more stagehands)
Yuffie: (mumbles) As I recall, your role just consisted of killing things.
Tifa: (under her breath) And I don't think he was acting. He's always like that.
