Part 3 get up...
12/7/99 - 12/16/99
Melissa. All that is left for me; I don’t kid myself by thinking that there’s someone else as good
here. Finally, though, I could want to date her without being bothered by feelings for Brandi.
But was it too late? I’m not sure if I should tell her that I don’t feel a huge need to date Brandi
anymore, or if she would believe that. Sometimes, these days, I wish she would treat me as well
as Brandi does, but that doesn’t stop me from liking being around this complex, beautiful person.
I feel that I would truly enjoy a relationship with Melissa, that she could help me forget my
troubles, and that I could help her with some of hers: the hard childhood, the repressed artistic
urges, the envy of a roommate who has worshipers, including a loyal servant of a boyfriend. I
don’t think that she wants the same thing from a boyfriend that Brandi gets from Chris, but that
she does want someone, but can’t or won’t pick. When she’s sick, I’m willing to do little errands
for her, and I can explain it...I do nice things for people I like, and the ill should be cared for by
the healthy. Melissa, though, assumes that most people don’t like her, and doesn’t know, I don’t
think, how to react towards me. I have a pretty good idea that her past boyfriends were dominant
in the relationships, rather than being equal or being in any way tilted in her direction, which is
how it might be between us, as I truly like and value her. I don’t know if I’ll be able to convince
her that I want her, only her (which is, I can say for the first time since I met her, the truth), and if
I’ll be able to find out how she feels about me. I’m fairly certain that I would like being with her,
but I don’t know how she would like being with me. I try not to let my romantic interest in her
color our friendship, but it’s difficult to feel the same way I do around people who are just
friends as I do around people I want something more with. I think that Melissa getting a
boyfriend that wasn’t me would hurt more than Brandi doing that, and, frankly, it hurts to think
about it, because I really do feel that I can offer Melissa more than anyone else can, whereas I
don’t think I could ever have given Brandi what Chris does. I wonder if Melissa wants me to do
things with her as much as I do. Could she want me to occasionally turn down her requests for
company? It seems strange, but would the best thing for me to do romantically be to spend less
time with her? I doubt I could make that sort of sacrifice...guess I’m conventional: if I like
someone, I want to spend more time with them. I’m there if she needs me. I’m hers if she wants
me. And I don’t want her to feel second in line behind Brandi--she’s not--just because she isn’t
the first person I had feelings for doesn’t mean she isn’t the only one for me now.
You might say that I came out of this with nothing to show whatsoever. I had one
girlfriend before I came to Muncie. I’ve still had only one girlfriend. I’m still not satisfied with
where I am in the romantic world. But something’s changed...I’m alone, but I’m no longer
empty.
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